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hello, my violent ex partner is taking me to court over access to our 11 week old baby he wnats to have the baby at his mothers house but his mother is just as bad as him in some context, i will asking the judge for supervisd access in a contact centre and im waiting for the summons to come through , does any one know if i will i be able to send in any evidence of violence and other things before the first hearing and can i oppose interim contact as i am representing myself which is also making me nervous , my ex was violent to me when i was pregnant but is denieying it but also has a history of being violent to me and received an 18 month susupended sentance probation and domestic violence programme
Hi caza and welcome to One Space. I am so sorry to read what is going on for you.
Any questions that you have around legal aspects, please contact our Legal Expert, as they will be able to advise you in the best possible way.
You may be interested in the Facebook page Stop women being forced to access to abusive men page, for further support from women who are currently dealing with this too.
I can see that you have not denied access completely considering what your ex has previously done. Do you feel that he would be a good father?
Have a look at our article Good father and the Bad father.
Do you have any support from family and friends or Womens Aid workers at the moment?
Hi caza, Welcome to site. Sorry you are in this situation.
I am in similar situation with my ex and have had myfirst court hearing, I am no legal expert but in my case although I took my evidence along but was told that I didnt need it and that if ex denies/disputes my allegation of violence it is at that point that evidence is looked at by a CAFCASS. My ex of course denied all my claims and now CAFCASS are doing a "fact finding mission" and will be coming to see me to look at eveidence etc and prepare a report for next court hearing.
I hope things go ok for you on your first hearing, I was terrified but was only actually in the court room for 5 mins. Most the time I spoke to cafcass just to state my objections to contact then I went in to court room where the judge basically asked if I agree with ex's request I said I didnt. They asked him does he accept the allegations I made he said he didnt and then judge ordered cafcass report and that was it. my interim contact order is for phone contact as that is all I would agree to, I think as long as you offer something court will accept it.
Good luck hun,I know how hard and awful it is especially when representing yourself, it so stressfull.
hi thanks for replying , i am really nervous about the whole self representation thing and thought when i recieved the summons i would be able to send in my eveidence such as my aggremnet i signed with children services aggreeing i would not resume the relationship or allow any unsupervised access , the problem is he is asking for supervisd access by his family, and the baby is only 11 weeks old atm so i couldent offer indirect contact over the phone and have come to beleive that courts will give dads the contact even if they have a violent and abusive history, when he was arrested while i was pregnant he denied everything because i didnt press charges which i deeply regret but i was in such a mess emotionally and think i was in a bit of shock so he got to walk away although he has a history of being violent to me in 2010 which is when he was on probation and had to attend a domestic violence course , i did attend accident an emergency where my injuries such as a bite mark, strangulation and bruising wereecorded and baby was scaned to make sure she was ok, he is calling me a liar and sayin i cant be trusted , there must be some way of getting these documents in to the court before the hearing i just dont feel like i have the strenght to face him in there , he has a solicitor and i dont, did you have to write a statement when you recieved the summons?
hi and thanks for the reply i have sent the legal expert some questions but didnt have an email confirming my sent questions, yes i did look at good father bad fater link and he definatly fits the bad father description and is usng court to harras me he has been doing this since my daughter was 5 days old trying to ruin such a precuios time , iv been advised not to go to court and deny all access because they will overide it any way , i wish i could but i kno they do give access to violent ex,s regardless of the mothers disputes, i am handing my notice in to work next week so then i can be eligeble for legal aid , he has turned his whole family agaisnt me and it just feels like they all just want to snatch my baby , they wont talk to me so dont kno anyhting about her , he has tried to make me look like a liar
Hi caza. No one is going to snatch your baby, so please don't worry about that. If you can, could you check out legal aid tomorrow? I don't know what will happen in court caza as I've never been through this, but all cases are different. Get expert advice. Don't worry either about his family. They aren't important at this time. For now, concentrate on you and the baby, and don't let them ruin it for you.
thanks hazeleyes i have checked out legal aid and dont qualify because im on maternity leave , i also cant afford to pay privatley and am having to give up work cos of finacial hardship, i ahve had letters from his solicitor informing me that the application for legal aid has been made, i dont think theyll actually snatch her off me but it feels like they want to take her away he has said he,s going to turn my baby against me and the mother has said to me what goes around comes around meaning there goin to try an keep her away from me or possibly fight for custody , fortunatly the case with social services has been closed because they have no concerns about me, im just so anxious over the court hearing and dont kno what to expect , i kno he gets to see anything i write to which also makes me anxious
caza, with his past history, he wouldn't be granted custody. He's a violent man, and has received a suspended sentence etc. As soon as you've given notice at work, then do seek legal aid, so someone can represent you. It's easy for me to say try not to worry, but for now, just enjoy being with your baby, and don't let anything his family or the ex say get to you. Apart from through the solicitor, you aren't having any contact with him are you? Texts, phone calls? If you are, and any are threatening, please keep all the evidence, as these can be used in the courts.
Hi hun,
In my case I just received a call from Cafcass asking for a brief (and I mean brief) history over the phone about why I didnt want contact to take place (I am actually trying to fight for NO contact as have already tried supervised). When I arrived at court the cafcass officer asked me to confirm I still felt the same and then got his side of it. I was told they didnt want evidence at that stage as it was only an initial hearing. I am now waiting for cafcass to come and see my statement (which is 8 pages long) as they wouldnt read it at court.
I know how you feel about the anxiety and fear that you will lose your child I was terrible (I have posts on her expressing my panic) and had to have tranquilizers for weeks up to and including the court hearing. I too, dont qualify for legal aid and have no choice but to represent myself but solicitors do give you a consultation of up to 1 hour for free so I saw two seperate solicitors for free prior to going as well as going CAB, contacting legal advice on here and contacting Mackenzie Friends they may be able to help you in court but I dont have a link for them.
I am also hearing and solicitor advised me that contact is usually awarded to violent fathers, however it is more than likely supervised contact that is awarded, so if you ok with that you may be ok. All in all, it is just a very confusing and draining time, especially when we have already summoned up so much energy to get away from these men and then they drag us through the court!
I hope you can sort out you legal aid hun, big hugs x x
Hello caza
Welcome along. You have already been given links to the Legal Expert and so wait to get a reply from them. As the others have said, the first court time will only be a initial hearing so you have time to get the legal advice you need.
In the meantime you need to think about looking after yourself and your baby. Have you been in touch with Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247? You can talk through your concerns with them about his violence. We also have an online Freedom Programme which you can have a look at when you feel the dust has settled a little
We are here for you to talk to, and as you have already seen, there is plenty of friendly support here 
Hi caza, can I ask who advised you to agree to access? It is true that a lot of abusive fathers do get granted access, however this does not mean that you have to be in agreement. If you say to the Court that you are not happy for it, they will have to take that on board (just know that it may well get overturned). This also shows your ex that you are not happy and will no longer play his games.
Please contact womens aid and find your local centre to see if they can provide you support from an IDVA locally (Independant Domestic Violence Adviser).
I completely understand and remember that feeling that 'they' are going to snatch and run off with your baby. It feels like you are battling an army and you can feel very much alone. Do you have family or friends that are supporting you?
We are definitely here to support you as much as we can. Your baby is still so very very young, this will be taken into consideration. Are you breastfeeding?
hello and thankyou all for your replys it does feel so much like your the only one goin through this and no one knows how you feel but your support is much appreciated, i did have contact with my ex partner over the phone and through the internet but each time it ended in arguments as he realised he wasnt getting what he wanted and i hadnt changed my mind, some of the converstaions became threatning but had no way of recording them but he has been carefull not to make that mistake through texts and messages he has called me an unfit mum and evil and called my other children whom arnt his racialiy abusive names but i have retaliated back to these messges defending my self and my children so am worried that this may make me look bad for responding, it has been a cycle i stop contact and then get a random phone call asking me to unblock him an asking if we can sort this out , he knows im frightend of the whole court experiance so thinks i am goin to change my mind , but then realises he is wrong and it blows up again resulting in me blocking him,this has gone on for 3 months an messages accumulate to around 30000 so would be difficult to use in court i think, i am very isolated as i moved away from freinds and family so we could make a fresh start only to find that isolating me was his plan and the abuse started again litarally the first night we moved in as he knew there was no one around for me i then found out i was pregnant within a couple of weeks and the abuse escalated, i am now stuck in an area with no freinds or family and cannot move back to the area where they are because i feel in to rent arrers which was also down to my ex as he was also so finacialy controlling and everything was in my name , i ahve no way of gettin back home, it has been people that have been to family courts that have told me the courts will look at me as an unreasonable mother if i say no contact, and in the risk assesmnet it says i want my daughter to kno her father but at this time i was pregnant and hormonal
it all just feels like such as mess and his family and him have tried to manipulate me to get what they wanted , they came to the hospital and brought me home from hospital but then turned on me a few days later when they didnt get what they wanted , he has painted a bad picture of me and has treid to make him self out to be the victim
thanks again for all your support and advice x
i also forot to mention apparently violent ex,s will usually get supervisd contact centre visits but he his asking to be supervised by his family at hiis home address!
and even if it goes to contact centre this gets reviewd and he will eventually get to have the baby at home , and theres nothing i can do to stop this , is this true
Hi caza. Did you write all these questions down for the legal expert? They are by far the best ones to advise you on this. I'm so sorry I can't be of any help, but like I said before, I've never been down the road of access or courts etc. I didn't just want to read your post though and not answer. Sit tight and wait on the expert getting back to you.
It does sound like your ex is expecting you to back down regarding the court stuff. Of course it's scary, but you're standing up for yourself and your daughter, and it's fantastic that he isn't putting you off. Well done.
Could your family possibly help you with regards to the rent arrears, and maybe pay them back once you get back on your feet? Are they in a position to do this? Do they know what you are going through with the ex? How old are your other children? As for making you look bad by retaliating by what he said about your children, no, it doesn't. I would have done exactly the same thing in your shoes. It is our natural instinct to protect our children. Don't worry about that one either.
Hope you're okay this weekend. Do you have any plans? Perhaps if you go to the park (weather permitting of course), you could strike up a conversation with other parents.
Good morning caza
The Legal Expert will reply to your questions, hope you asked them what you need to know.
Did you ring Women's Aid as we suggested?
hi thanks for replying ,i have tried to ring womens aid in the past but can neva get through and only have a mobile phone that i top up, unfortunatly my family arnt in a position to help,can i ask you littleangel when you wrote your statement for court did you start right from the beginning of the relationship or did you just write things that were recorded with police etc, it is starting to get me down and i nothiced you said you was on tranqulisers im worried about going to the doctors about the way this is makin me feel as iv neva been on any kind of antidepressents and am worried this could make me look weak in court and give him something else to use agaisnt me, i am going to try and ask for indirect contact during the interim period mayby send him pictures and things cos i cant offer it over the phone bacause of the baby being so young but im not happy to allow contact till all reports have been recieved by caffcass and the courts, littleangel have you got to cross examine your ex partner your self seeing as it is goin to a fact finding hearing i beleive thats what i will have to do, and have you called any witneses, i hope your doing ok , i know exactly what your going through and vica verca , i hope to hear from you soon
take care
and thanks x
sorry forgot to mention my other children are 13 and just turned 18 so it has been a big gap for me lol starting all over again , but i love everyminute of her , shes such a special gift something good that came out of something so bad, i am 40 yrs old now and she will be my last os i cherish every moment :) x
Hi caza. That is a gap, but like you say, something good that came out of something bad. You are blessed to have her. I'm sure the older ones help out with her too.
Hopefully littleangel will be online at some point today, so keep looking out for her posts
I had good intentions of going out to cut the grass, but my good intentions are going out the window right now hehe. Not great weather is it? Keep telling myself that we are bound to have super weather come the Summer hols. (hope I'm right)!!
Hi Caza,
Sorry for delay been at uni libarary all day.
My statement is 8 pages long and it starts from the very second that me and ex got together. I have split it in to 3 parts incase court doesnt want to know the ins and outs they can skip to the bit they want to know.
- The first section details our relationship and all the incidents of violenec or inappropriate behaviour that took place in presence of littleangel or his other child (this is my way of showing he is capable of such behaviour in front of his own children - therefore posing a risk)
- the second part details all the events that happened since I left him (mostly my way of trying to highlight his obsession with me not his daughter as there was no contact with him and angel for 4 years)
- the last two pages cover all the reasons why I dont want contact to take place. For every reason i give i explain how/why this poses a risk to angel or prevent angel from acheiving as best she could. I have only included one point that includes the impact it has on me but only to explain that when I am stressed/anxious/depressed it has a direct effect on angel.
I think the main thing I am trying to point out (from what legal advice I have had) is that your statement isnt just about the things done to you but more importantly demonstrating the potential risk you ex behaviour had/or could have on your child.
I am not expecting to have to cross examine my ex to be honest, if that was expected of me I wont be happy. Obviously given our history it would not be appropriate for me to try and challenge my ex, surely courts will recognise this?! I hope so anyway. My ex only had to hear the judge say I objected to his request and he slammed his glass on the table in the court room so he would probably erupt if I tried to question him.
Caza I sympathise so much with you. It is just so awful what we are being made to go through. My second courtn date is in Aug (tremble) so i can give you heads up on what to expect x
Hi caza. Here is a link for mckenzie friend. They would be able to give advice on how you represent yourself in court. mckenzie friend
Cheers for putting that on I didnt know how to do it x
hi hazel eyes an little angel thankyou so much for telling how you wrote out your statement i can have a good think about how to write mine and yes will start form the beggining now and probably separate parts like you have, i have spoken to a mckenzie freind but they also need to be paid but he gave me some good avice they cannot speak for you in court but can be there to support you , quietly direct you in court (ie pass notes) and help with paper work , little angel it was the mckenzie freind that informed me that if it goes to a fact finding hearing i would have to cross examine my ex my self as i would be representing my self and this is part of the fact finding hearing process , i think this is awfull that women who have been abused by these men have to do such a thing as it is most definatly putting us in a vunerable position and angering our ex,s and obviously not a safe game, the mckenzie freind also told me if i was to use his service i could write in to the court to ask if he could do this for me considering the dv, they were really helpfull to talk to and would recomend them even if it is fo informal advice
hope all is well
speak soon x
also there was definatly things that took place in front of my two daughters and things that happend while i was carrying the baby and how he has proved to some point that yes his obsesion has also been with me and not the baby although he plays the game as if it wer the baby , i have some thinking to do , i think i was on the wrong lines and would of concentrated on things that were happning to me i can now see i have to oncentrate on the effect he could have indirectly to the baby and how he treated me in front of my oher two children that will show he is unstable and unsafe
thankyou x
Hello caza I am glad that you found us and I hope that talking it through has been some help and reassurance to you. I was really pleased to hear about your positive experience of the Mackenzie Friend.
It is disappointing not to be able to get through to Women's Aid. Did you ring the main number or your local one? Look here for a weboage where you can find your local service.
How are you today?
hi i only tried the main number and i hv had some really good advice on here from everyone im so glad i found this site , today is a bit of a difficult one , i just wish things were differant and he hadnt been the way he was cos unfortunatly i did love him and did want to build a future with him and i cant help still feeling a sense of loss after everything he has done , i wish i could take this feeling away but i suppose time is a healer , x
Hi Caza, So sorry today is an awful day. It is normal to mourn the loss of "what could have been" and to also still have feelings for your ex. I am six years down the line from the split so pretty much all the love has gone but he does still manage to make me feel guilty and sorry for him a lot. The fact is he wasnt awful all the time and I do have good memories of him so sometimes I feel bad for the way I treat him but I have to work through it for my own sanity.
I am outraged at the prospect of having to cross examine him! I suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and he can provoke a panic attack in me in an instant, it just wont be possible for me to cross examine him - he would love that! I have spent past 3 years trying to show him I am no longer scared of him but that would completely come apart in court. When I contacted Mackenzie friends it was only a week before my hearing and they couldnt help because it was too short notice but they did give me a little advice.
Unlike yourself I have no police reports because I never called the police on him (in his eyes that would have been the ultimate sin and I would have had to pay big time). I do have a threat he made on police record but that was after I left and police didnt do anything about it. So I guess all my evidence is just my word against his and will therefore need to be cross examined 
Its times like this where I just think of giving up the fight but then my maternal instinct kicks in and says no i have to do it for angel.
hello little angel
im so sorry if i have made you worry about the fact of cross examining but that is what i have been told, seeing as your next court hearing isnt till august could you contact mckenzie freind again , because they told me i could write in to court to ask if they could do this for me , has your ex got a solicitor or is he representing him self, i suppose you could refuse to cross examine because of the impact it will have on you , but will he cross examine you, my ex doesnt know about this yet i dont think and im hoping i will have legal help by this time , i am the same he can really wind me up and i suffer from anxiety to and anxious about the fact of having to just face him in court dont give up your stronger than you think if you have already come this far, hope you and little angel are well and stay strong xx
Cheers Caza, My ex has a solicitor so he wont be cross examining me but his solicitor will even giving evidence in front of ex will be hard. You are right to tell me but I hadnt thought of that, I think the solicitor who I spoke to said cross examining happens if it goes to a contested hearing and then a trial but not during the fact finding bit which is where we are up to. If it goes to trial then I will have to get some kind of representation because I just would not be able to question my ex, he is so smarmy he would cause me to have a full breakdown in the court house. I think I may have to contact mackenzie friends again x
At least now we have each other in a similar situation to give each other courage to get through it 
hi littleangel
hope your well our situations are so similar and yes it would be good for us to both stay in contact to help each other through this my ex is very smarmy and full of himself to even when he knows he,s wrong he,s makin out he,s right i dont kno how much imfomation we can give over on here , but if you can tell me where are you from and whaat are you studieying in uni hun x
p.s i hope it is later the they cross examine but mayby double check to be sure x
Hey Caza,
I am from sunny Manchester I wont put where I am studying hun just because I dont know my ex could come looking on sites like this, he did find me a few years ago on a forum for DV.
I am taking my current partner with me to court next time for support I took my sis last time but she felt very intimidated by my ex who deliberately stood in front of her on the phone slagging me off! When he sees my partner he will flip but I am hoping that this will allow for the judge to see just what he is like because he puts on such a front and everyone thinks he is harmless - so frustrating!
I think if I do have to cross examine himI will just do it, I cant let him get in the way of my life forever (although I will probably need lots of meds lol). It frustrates me he still has that power 6 years on, grrrr!
Where you from hun? How is baby? and your other children?
hi littleangel
im from liverpool, its nice to hear youve moved on an have found a new partner i have to admit it feels like i neva will i think you go through a stage where you feel ruined by them and i dont think il ever trust another man because i trusted him and brought him in to my home and intruduced him to my older kids which is something i didnt do lighly but i thought i could trust him , i suppose its the charm could charm a snake that man lol, i gota admit i felt a bit uneasy when the convosation was on the home page cos he could of seen it but feel a bit better now its more hidden
the girls are good thanks hun , how many do you have ? x
Only one child so far. Im broody as hell but the stress ex has put me through for past 6 years has prevented me from even considering having another.
Its crazy how paranoid these men can make us. For first 3 years of split I was a wreck was too scared to use the phone incase he had put a bug on my line - it was madness.
I do have an amzing partner of 5 years and he been through hell with me (i want him, i dont want him, I trust him, I dont trust him etc) and I know why that is but luckily my partner is great with me. I am sure you will find someone eventually, dont worry. I didnt meet my partner till about 14 months after I left ex but tbh I think that was too soon, so dont rush to find anyone, heal yourself first.
P.s. I love the scouse accent!!
how old are you hun if you dont mind me asking, i was really confused throughout my pregancy i had planned my pregnancy and had to have major surgery to be able to carry her an then when i find out i was pregant he turned in to a monster it just got worse an wosre untill i went in to work and broke down and my manager called the police because of the severity of what he was doing to me , he at this time worked in the same building as me but in a diferant department and the police went down and arrested him in work! i was a mess didnt kno what i wanted and pleaded with them to leave him alone but can now see it was the right thing , i didnt put a statement in so he wlked out of the police station with no charges cos he denied everything but.....lost his job , i then had social services come round and they had been involved a bit cos i had attended a dv drop in centre who made a referal to children services because of what i had told them , thy wer happy that my ex had left my home but made me sign a aggreement stating i had no intention of ever resuming my relationship with him and would not allow any unsupervised contact with the baby when born and would not allow him in the house unless again supervised , i signed the aggrement and they closed the case as they had no concerns about my ability to be a good mother, the problem was after that is that they left me to pick up all the peices and the aggrement was very vague , i have adherd to the aggrement without any support from them and this is why my ex is taking me to court, i was 6 months pregnat when i signed and an emotional wreck and had a c section because of the stich that was in place but also unfortunatly decided to be sterilised at the same time , i really regret doin this and think i done it cos i was in such a mess , i havnt got a partner but would of liked to have hoped they mite have been a future for me with some one an perhaps another baby but dont have that chioce any more , if your broody go with your gut feeling i would have another one tommorow if i could she was worth everthing i went through and its amazing she survived everything we went through together , i would love another and i was so unsure of how i was going to feel after the birth because he tried his hardest to make it a living nightmare an stop me from bonding with my pregancy but it had the complete opisite effect when i met her, i have such a strong bond with her and am perhaps a little overprotective lol , dont let the past stop you from having somthing so special i made that mistake an now she is definatley my last because of him and what he put me through, if i had known how i was going to feel when i met her i would neva had been strerilised x
Aw, Sorry to hear of your experience Caza. Is the sterilization reversable?
I am 31 now 23 when I got pregnant. My pregnancy wasnt planned and I was basically forced in to getting pregnant. I had been with ex 10 weeks when I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. It was exactly as he intended and from the very day my pregnancy was confirmed the violence began. I had some history with my ex, we went to the same school and he always used to ask me out and I would always tell him no and I guess I was one of the popular girls but he was known as a 'weirdo'. From the day I was pregnant I was 'his' and he was determined to make me pay for all those times I 'dissed' him at school.
Unfortunately his behaviour did prevent me bonding, firstly with my unborn child as I often went to GP demanding they remove the child from me or I will throw myself down the stairs and then when she was born it took two weeks before I got any emotion for her (I still have guilt for this now). I feel angry at the professionals I dealt with as they never seemed to pick up on my distress I was just diagnosed with ante-natel depression and then post natel depression and further along the line severe depression. I was severely underweight during our relationship and taking tablets to control my out of control blood pressure but no one ever asked what was going on, and of course ex came in to all my gp appointments and would convince the docs I was crazy.
This is what he is now using in court as a reason that angel is at risk with me. My medical records back up what he says because I have been prescribed a million pills in my time but mostly because of him. He acts so calmall the time and will work me in to a frenzy and then call 'witnesses' to see how crazy I am and I assume this is what he hopes to do in court. Luckily my new GP is brilliant and is preparing a report that illustrates most my issues are a direct result of him.
I am so glad your emplyer helped you back then. It was my employers who helped me and I will be forever thankful to them for that.
I will have another few babies but not just yet I need to focus on my current situation and then it will be baby heaven
thats realy horrible for you , i know what you mean about the your his part to , i got a message off my ex a couple of weeks back saying im still his, surely they can prove that all the distress and medication was down to him and yes my ex is also trying to say im an unfit mum and im a loon cos of the way he gets me and is going to try and use his family as witnesses i think but surley family members are looked upon as biast, at the end of the day youve brought your dauaghter up withput him and by the sounds of it shes a healthy well developed child so he,s got no proof of you being a unfit mum cos youve done fine so far, iv just been tryin to work out how to do this dopple me thing lol god wat a palava lol
it sounds like he,s goig to show the courts exactly what he,s made of he doesnt sound like a nice person and iv only spoke to you through a few emails , thell see right through him x
Thanks Caza, I hope so. I was very worried about the courts believing I was insane and unable to cope but I spoke with a solicitor about it and she said his behaviour is a 'blue print' for abusive men and the courts will see through it as the claims of an 'unstable mum' are common. Plus my doc assures me there is nothing in my medical records that can make a judge believe I cant cope so I just have to have faith. It will be hard though to hear my ex rip my mental state apart.
Your ex sounds like an idiot too and even worse he seems to have his family on his side. That cant be easy to take on. How is your family with you? are they supportive? You need someone on your side if he got his family. (my ex has no family so I only have to deal with him) I do hope the courts give us a fair deal because what are ex's are doing is just trying to continue their abuse of us by using the courts.
I struggled with the dopple thing too lol I am not technical at all
unfortunatley i dont have any family neihter but have freinds and ye its horrible that all of his family are on his side its like thev condoned what he done to me, he,s called me a lar an they eihter belive him or are just as bad as him ( i think jst as bad to be honest ) i spoke to him today an he has asked me if i could go up t his mums with the baby and that he willl ask his mum as this will be supervised im not sure if i should go ahaed with it as it would mayby cancel out the court thing or i dont kno if ther tryin to set a trap so they can then say look she came up with the baby we cant be that bad , feel so confused about the whole thing
i cant find the doppleme key to uplaod my group 
Hi caza and littleangel, it is really good that you have found each other and can support each other through this.
caza, I would actually dispute the fact that the court would see that you are a 'difficult' mum because you say 'no'contact', it does all depend on the judge on the day, but you really have to seek into your heart about what you think is best for the baby, NOT what you think others want to hear. In my eyes a responsible mother takes control of the situation.
I think it is fair for you to say that you are not going to agree to supervised contact at his mothers house as you don't trust her or what game is being played. You can say that you are not doing anything until things have gone through court and you are doing this for your daughter. And whatever is thrown back at you, just repeat that nothing will happen until the courts decide. Whenever you have contact with your ex, keep it factual and just keep stating one sentence. Do not get into conversation or dispute, it gets you nowhere and you really don't need to engage with him anymore.
littleangel, my ex cross examined me in court, it was horrible, but I was given really good advice to direct all my answers to the Judge, not my ex. I didn't look at my ex the whole way through, I couldn't otherwise I would have crumbled.
caza, keep trying with womens aid, either locally or the national number, as you are going through such a difficult time and it is important that you have professional support on your side. This will also show the court that you are serious.
Aw Caza, thats awful you have no support. At least you found this site!
When littleangel used to see her dad in a contact centre her dad put me in an awkward situation by asking her if she wanted to go Mcdonalds (which was about 4 doors away from the contact centre) she ran up to me and asked if she could go with him out the centre to Mcdonalds for half hour. I immediately rang my solicitor (I had one back then) and he told me if I allow her to go that one time I will be setting a precedent and my ex could reasonably argue that its ok for him to have her unsupervised as I let him take her out of the centre, so I refused. I think if you are not comfortable with his mum supervising the contact then hold your ground untilit goes to court or they will argue that you have allowed it in the past. The pressure they put on us is awful!
Anna, I am getting worried now lol I hadnt really thought about this cross examining thing. I know my ex is going to get his solicitor to question me about how I didnt bond with angel when she was first born and how I repeatedly wished she would die when I was pregnant - I WILL FALL APART if this is brought up. Its something I still cant bear to think about. I dont know what to do now I am getting panicky! He knows exactly how I will react if this is brought up.... panic!!!!
i think it was a mistake to say i would think about this now to him , but faced with the pressure of court i thought it might have been tking a weight off my shoulders if i was stayin at my little ones side , i think they can us this against me now ,shouldent of spoke to him but i felt guilty with it being fathers day x
Dont worry that you said you will think about it. Just say you thought about it an think its best if you dont do it. If they bring it up in court say you felt pressured. Personally I think now it has gone to court then you may as well stick with it. I have spent six years trying to prevent it going court and he still taking me now so I wish I would have just let him take me 6 years ago as it would all be sorted and done with by now, instead it all happeneing whilst anel is old enough to be aware of whats going on.
The court isnt going to take your child away or anything drastic it is just going to be a case of working out how much access he can have with your daughter so there is more riding on it for him than you and I am pretty sure the courts wouldnt allow unsupervised contact to someone with a history of violence. So just try an stay positive because you are offering contact (albeit supervised) so the court wont be getting on at you - you are being reasonable.
hello little angel , i hope so , and i hope it doesnt go against me that we have spoke and argued over the months over the internet and on the phone , i wwont accept any thing other than supevised , how do we keep in contact if we dont keep this thread going , or do we just keep this thread going x
hello little angel , i hope so , and i hope it doesnt go against me that we have spoke and argued over the months over the internet and on the phone , i wwont accept any thing other than supevised , how do we keep in contact if we dont keep this thread going , or do we just keep this thread going x
Hi caza, just keep coming on here to talk to us and to to little angel so that you can support each other.
I agree with the others for you not to facilitat contact just at the moment, until things are resloved in court.
Little angel, you are such a star and I KNOW you can do whatever it takes. if anyone should be hanging their head and feeling intimidated by the court then it is him! and of course he won't, but you are better than that!!!!
Aw thank you Louise, I do hope I can do it without making myself look crazy. It just seems so unfair that he will be able to use my mental health against me when he is the root of most of it and especially when I have continued to bring up his daughter despite what he still puts me through. I dont even think the fact he was violent to me while I was pregnant with his child will go against him because the court seem more interested in how he is now and I am sure he portrays a model citizen, yet I am still having mental health issues that need looking at.
Caza, we will have to keep the thread going as we are not allowed to pass details over here, its a shame really. But at least we can reassure each other and support each other on here. I absolutely agree you should not agree to anything but supervised and you have very valid reasons for doing so.
Hi littleangel, I am sorry that the thought of being cross examined by your ex has sent you off on a spiral. As he has a solicitor, it will be them that ask you the questions not him, so that is one thing to tick off the list of worries. If the solicitor raises anything about your mental health, you can say exactly what you have said on here, that:
When you were pregnant you were on the receiving end of violence from the one person you least expected, so of course you were confused.
You had been bullied and emotionally tormented.
You were pregnant, so your hormones were all over the place.
You wanted to protect your baby from a violent and aggressive person, that is why you were questioning the sensibility of continuing the pregnancy.
littleangel, it is good that this has been raised as it will prepare you better. If it does come up, have a few stock phrases that you can use and repeat. You are a good mother and are always looking out for the best for littleangel, so do not think otherwise.
caza, don't beat yourself up for contacting your ex, it is normal human behaviour to go 2 steps forward and one step back, the key is whether you persevere after slipping up and I think you are. Life is all about learning lessons. You are well within your rights to change you mind and not have to explain yourself. Have a look at this article on the Basic Rights of Assertiveness (the formatting looks a bit odd, but the information is all there!)
Thanks Anna, I know your right and I am glad that this has been raised in advance otherwise I would probably have ran out of the court in shock lol I wish I could take a family member or friend in with me for support but they wont let me. My boyf is coming next time so he will keep my spirits up before I go in and my gp is going to write me a report on my mental health and that explains exactly why/how I got how I am so hopefully I can use that to back up what I say, tbh it the mental health bit is the main thing that worries me because my ex has a way of convincing people I am crazy. I know he cant say anything about my parenting.
Caza have you attempted to write your statement yet? Have you actually been summoned yet? It may be your ex is all talk and doesnt go ahead, my ex threatened me for years before he actually did it.
thanks guys i hope agreeing to go to the family home isnt taking 3 steps back , like i said in the other thread i will feel so much more intimidated in court than at there family home , i hope it doesnt make me look like im not protecting my babay and family as he was violent towards me but im not goin to have any unsupervised contact with him attall so will keep the safety net up this way x
Hi Caza. Welcome along to One Space. Sorry to hear you've been in a violent relationship, but delighted to hear that you're not out of it. I would imagine that any evidence to prove he was violent would be great for you, and definately not so great for him.
The site is having a re vamp, but I'll try and find the link for the legal expert. It's totally confidential, and you should hear back within a few days I think. In the meantime, please keep posting as others will be along, that can offer you support and advice.