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littleangel, you know that you can ask to wait in a side room rather than in the main waiting area? Ask at the court reception, say that you feel intimidated by ex, especially after his behaviour around your sister last time.
caza - you have agreed to go to the family home? I would retract that. After everything you have said surely it would be better to have no contact until the court has decided? I know that you feel intimidated, but do not let yourself become victim to him once again. You have your daughter and yourself to protect now.
hi anna i spoke with ss and care line today to find out if it was safe and ok for me to to allow a supervised visit and they said this would be fine aslong as i acted appropraitley if i felt that anythting was wrong i would leave and then go down the route of the courts have you seen my comments on the other thread? the aggreemnet i sgned with ss said i could allow supervised access and i thought the courts preferd it if you sorted things out , out of court, i would not allow any unsupervised accesss now or in the future an woudent put myself or the baby in any dangerous situations
Hi Anna, I have heard about that I was gonna do it last time but we seemed (by some deliberate coincidence on his part I am sure) to arrive at the exact same time and had to report to the desk together. I didnt want to ask in front of him as I dont want him to know he still has that affect on me.
Caza, I am glad the visit went well, just be on your gaurd with them because as I am sure you know abusive men can be very manipulative and know when to turn on the charm.
Hi caza - I did read your other thread and I am really glad that it went well. Well done for finding out from SS the correct way to go about this, it will show that you are willing, however keep your bullet proof jacket on (on guard) at all times, because as you know, sometimes we can be lulled into a false sense of security. It sounds as though you are handling things really well though, I am glad that you got through it without a scrape. I definitely think having the other children around is a really good idea and makes the environment much more comfortable for you and baby.
Hi littleangel, typical that he turned up at the same time. Rather than think of it as not wanting him to know that he has an effect on you, but that you would like to sit in peace and quiet and prepare yourself 
hi littleangel and anna yes my bulletproof vest is most definatly on and is reinforced with concrete , i know this man and i know his ways and wont be led in to anything by him and also wont give him any false hope either he most definatley needs to be 100 per cent sure that there is neva ever any chance of me and him ever resuming our relationship and this arrngement it totally based on contact with his daughter and not me , i think i need to hav a talk to him about this , he has offerd to meet in town one day to buy the baby some clothes and i think this is when i should have this talk with him as it will be in a public area , if he reacts angrily to me i will kno that this arrangement ws not based on contact with his daughter but was based on me and the contact arrange ment will be off between ourselves and i will have to go down the court route but at least i would have shown him an the courts that my intentions wer fully with my daughter in mind an not him
if he calls the arrangement off after we have this talk , i will have proven to him my self and to the courts that his intentions wernt based around contact with his daugter but with an obsesion with me , i will approach the convosation gently and safetly
littleangel i think its a good idea that you ask for a private area to prepare your notes and statement for the courts as you are representing yourself then this way he wont think its about him and wont smurk x
Hi caza
Are you feeling more settled in your mind now you have done this and have a plan in place?
hi louise im feeling better that i spoke to the ss but im not counting my blessings with him i hope that his intentions are about contact wt baby and not me and am goin to have a talk with him in the next couple of days just so he is sure that i have no intention of gettin back with him , kind of set the record straight an then move on from there
Ok that sounds a really good idea. At least now you are moving forward it gives you some head space for other things! How is your little one getting on?
yes it does thanks louise little one is comin along great waking up to her smile everyday is the best gift i could wish for , we have started to attend some baby groups in childrens centre to give her a more social experiance and get myself out meeting other mums in the area , only been to one so far but am hoping it will expand my social life a bit when the groups become a bit busyer 
That's a great idea, if you can make some friends with children similar ages then it REALLY helps, because only another parent knows how you feel Glad your daughter is Ok, before long you will be waking to her chatting as well!
Hello caza, I was wondering how you and your daughter were and if things have settled down with her dad?
hi louise things are going ok he see,s her usually every week or sometimes every fornight under supervision of myself and family although i do sometimes feel like he wont leave me alone wanting to speak every day making me feel like i have to report back or court , things are calmer for us this way but a bit stressfull having to spaek with him often i think in the long run things will end up in court as he is showing interest in wanting to see her more often and im not really willing to do that , but time will tell , thanks for asking , i thought i had a comment posted yestaday but its not here was it removed? how are you little angel how did it go in court x
Hi, caza!
I want you to know that for every storm has an end. you will come out strong and victorious. Keep your spirit alive on the victory. Look beyond the circumstances and believe in the victory you desire. for you shall laugh again!
MODERATOR:
Bible passages and prayers have been edited from this post. Promotion of particular faith groups is not encouraged as we want to be inclusive of people of all, and no faith. It is wonderful that you wish caza well.
Hi caza It sounds as if you are doing really well, I did not see your post yesterday but it was my day off.
You should not have to speak to your child's father every day, make sure he is having contact with the little one rather than YOU!
Hi Caza, Im ok just posted an update under "CAFCASS visit". Court is on Monday so I will let you know what happens...
Glad things are calmfor you but I do understand the emotional trauma having to speak with him causes. I would just let it flow and see where it goes if it goes to court then so be it but dont spend too much time stressing over going to court because it might not happen and if it does it may well go the way you want anyway.
I wish you luck, stay strong, you can do it x
knew it wudent last the drama is starting again he wanted to come and pick up the baby with his mum and take her out for the day and i refused so i am not welcome to his mums house no more and him and his mum are going to see a solicitor , i beleive i was being responsible for refusing them to take the baby out as i wont know where she is and shes to young and who knows if they would try not to give her back and it could lead to unsupervised contact between him and baby without me knowing
how did you get on in court little angel x
Hi caza, well done you for being firm, it can be so hard and make us question whether we are doing the right thing, but you stuck to your guns and listened to your gut instinct.
Remember that this is his drama not yours. He and his mum could have reacted diffferently. You were just looking after your still very young baby.
Let us know if you hear from his solicitors.
thanks anna
i didnt even hesitate in my decision and i think i will definatly get a solicitors letter i cut all contact with him and his family i just cant be botherd with there drama no more and im not even gona give them the chance to try and upsett me ,he hasnt got babys best intersets at heart and strangely baby didnt seem to like him she cryed everytime she saw him and heard his voice , i think she recognised his voice cos she doesnt do it with no one else, i have said i will be asking for contact to take place in contact centre if any so that i dont have to deal with himor his family in any wy what so ever, i think they think that the courts are going to give them shared custody or allow them to take baby out , i really hope this isnt the case as i will be sick with worry x
im going through quite i simular situation as u hun stick to ur guns and offer no more than contact centers hun the judge will see ur side, my sons dad doesnt see his son cuz he refused contact centers so he doesnt see his son at all apparently he cant affored to pay 40 pounds a week to see him bering in mind i dont recive a penny from him and hes got a good job well paid. he just likes playing mind games i think
i just hpe it doesnt go against me that i allowed contact for the couple of months im hoping this will show the courts that i tried to be reasonable with him and his family and they have been unreasonable i took baby to his mums and stayed for a couple of hours with her evry 2 weeks, but my ex was pestering me all the time with phone calls and through facebook and i began talking to him less and less i tried to explain that i dont have time to sit on fb everyday talking as i have the baby to look after but he just wouldent get the message so i just began replying less to his messages and thats basically when the threats have come back this is about me not giving him the attention he wanted not the baby, but his mum is just as bad as him she doesnt get her own way and im not welcome down there no more , no skin off my nose couldnt stand going down there lol, they want the baby there without me but i really cant trust them
i didnt know you had t pay for contact centre , he lost his job over his behaviour so mayby it will get paid for him, im not happy fr them to come to my address anf im not happy for them to have baby unsupervised him or his mum , they have even said they are going to turn baby agaisnt me and tell her how i kept her away from her family and try and turn her agaisnt her sisters , this is emotional abusive i wont have it , im fuming , i wish i could cut him out of her life completly cos he,s just not right and neither is his mum, but iv got to let the cours decide my daughters future when they dont know what there like
It is incredibly difficult isn't it caza, when you want what is right for your child, but you are unsure of their safety and how healthy the relationship will be.
Contact centres can be an excellent place for an absent parent to get to know their child in a safe environment.
However this isn't a solution for the long term. It is an interim period where parent and child can get to know each other and for the situation to move forward.
What do you see happening after he has been to the contact centre for 6 months?
hi anna
i really dont know i wont trust him any more then than i do now, i know he will just play the game till he gets what he wants ( to him its a game not me), if i dont want contact with him how would that work i feel a bit more worried now, i didnt think things could progress that quickly and i really dont think it would be in babys best interests he has anger issues and they may not show in the contact centre but will show no doubt behind closed dooors as they did when i was in a relationship with him, this is what the courts need to be aware of , i dont want her to be alone with him or his mum not after things that hve been said and done in the past , she wouldent even be able to speak properly then they will most definatly try to reflect there anger against me on to my baby ie turning her against us ,teaching her hate
i am a bit more worried now, they will just cause problems after problems , the mother is no better
x
what other option would there be if not contact centre? 6 months even a year is to quick if at all
Hi caza, I am really sorry that I worried you.
Are you still representing yourself? Have you been in touch with Womens Aid on 0800 2000 247?
I am not a legal expert, I just get the feeling that you would believe 'no contact' would be preferable, but you are going down the road of supervised access as that is what he is likely to get.
Did you get the documents from the hospital about the bite marks, strangulation and bruising were recorded?
hi anna thanks for your reply its ok you didnt worry me its something i should of realised myself and no doubt would of evntually, yes at this point i will be still representing myself, i would prefer no contact but dont think il get it but i think i may ask this at the first hearing so at least there will be no interim contact arranged , i am a littl worried that because i allowed contact to take place with myself present at his parents house with his mum and other family members presnt it may go agaainst me asking for no contact but at the same point it shows i tryed to be reasonable, i havnt yet applied for the hospital records but think i will get on to that this week although i dont think this would come up in the first hearing , cant the courts ask for the hospital records? i dont fel as worried about representing my self as i did last time for some reason i feel alot stronger and confident about it, could he stop me moving out of the city? hes not on the birth certificate so has no pr
i went to visit my mum who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and had just finished radiotherapy for a couple of weeks and it was when i returned to my home town he demanded him and his mum pick the baby up for a day out ..becuase according to him if my family can have a day out with baby ( with me present) his family should be able to ( without me present) this was the first time my family met my baby and could be my mums last time but he thinks cos they have had a block period with her its unfair , i dont think this will go well agaisnt him in court as i think he is thinking about using it lol, also it was more down to the fact i wasnt givin him attention he wanted , he was pestering me so much it was almost like harresment , im glad i dont have to speak to him no more and dont have to go to his family home with baby
hi are u ok, well i dont want my ex to see our little girl. she is 2 in october,in court it cum out he as violent past plus he as seriously assaulted me once, and he lied to me and ad a secret life,he ad girlfriend and a new baby i didnt no bout,im rid of him thank god, tuk a while, hes not allowed contact at the mo, bk in court in november,but i dont weant him to av access but he will prob get acess, scared really, wot wil u do ur baby alot youngerx
my baby is 5 months he went t a solicitor the first time whem she was less than two weeks old treid to ruin such a precious time but thinks got sorted out and i agreed to take baby down to his parents house where he lives as i was scared of going throught he court prrocess , i know he will neva change and turns volitile when he doesnt get his own way i dont wnt my baby to be subjected to his abuse in any way so i think i will be asking for no contact for her sake and mine, he seriously assaulted me also keira and was on probation for the assault and then he seriously assaulted me when i was pregnant but nothing happend to him cos he denied everything
hi well he seriously assaulted me in teneriefe, he put me in hospital, he got thrown in cells 4 days, was awful, but was emotionaly abusive realationship, mind games, harassment, stalkin, thrteats, intimidation, got police quite few times, he wudnt leave me alone, yet all time e ad another family he lived with, no wonder he let me down al time, i really do hate him, and now he dragin me thru court cos i avnt ad him bk , dont want him to see our little girl,ive ad go doctors got tablets for anxiety, wish never met himxx
Hi caza, you never know what will happen in court.
We went through child contact centre for about 3 - 6 months and then the court said it had to be moved on and he got overnight contact 120 miles away just like that! This continued for about 2/3 yrs, he would turn up late, he would decide he was keeping her, he would send her out to the shop on her own at 5 yrs old etc. Anyway long story short, we had a disagreement about one of his contact days and he flipped his lid.
Then tried to take me to court again. This time I had had enough and I dug deep inside of me and said No Contact - very hard decision. CAFCASS told me that he would get contact and they even told him how to get around things. But eventually rather than admit to anything he dropped the case. All very bizarre.
What I am trying to say is when you are in court, don't try and do what you think will look favourably on you. State what you want and what you believe is right for your baby.
You tried to arrange contact, you compromised and took baby to them, but the continual harrassment with no effort on their part to allay your fears doesn't make a mother comfortable.
I don't think he can stop you moving out of the city, but remember we do have our 1-2-1 legal expert here online, so do feel free to use them too, for any legal queries you have.
hi keira i really do know how you feel i wish i had neva met my ex he was alot the same but didnt have a secret life the one thing we all have out of these horrible relationships is our children that we love and adore and keep us fighting , keep your head up keira he,s in the wrong not you
hi anna , he got overnight contact straight after contact centre? thats scary how old was you child and so far away oh i dread to think :( i believe its in my babys best interset not to have contact with them , so have decided to go down this route , i know that this can be overided by the courrts and find that worrrying, thank goodnesss your ex dropped the case i dont think mine will , he,ll just deny everything and try to blame me and my kids for his actions as he always did , an that will hopefully look bad on him xx
forgot to mention he said his mum is going to see a solicitor aswell so i think il have two court dramas n my hand :(
What a nightmare,my ex has rang ss to report I am a drunk when I am not but because I have had problems in my past ss have tols me can only see my son thru contact centre,my ex also tols them I refused to meet them at my home ,they never showed up and I have been made to look very bad,my boy is 16 months due to start potty training and devastated does not begin to describe how I feel,he will not even allow me to hear his voice on the phone.I refuse to see my son thru a contact centre as this is for parents that cannot be trusted with their child.I have no family support and my eldest daughters Dad has also refused her living with me because of my ex partners lies.I have not been to my solicitor as I feel no one will believe what I say and I have no evidence,it is all I can do to just try and get out of bed each day,they were supposed to sort out counselling for me almost 5 months ago yet it still hasnt come thru,my ex smokes cannibis every night and ss know yet let him have the residency,he has said I can see my son in secret buy I have not been able to stop sending him nasty yext,cant helpit am so hurt and betrayed,I have no evidence of his verbal attacks on me and dont feel I can fight anymore,there should be a law against verbal as well as physical abuse,never knew I could feel so much hatred for someone,I am not coping at all
Hi caza i am sorry to hear what has been happening, do try contacting our legal expert as Anna has suggested they maybe able to give you some pointers on how to proceed.
Hi Marianne42
Have just read your recent post and would like to say that contact centres are not just for people that can't be trusted, many parents use them as they do not have an amicable relationship with the other parent for whatever reason that maybe.
I would also suggest that you contact your solicitor with the latest information, they are there to help you not make judgements on weither or not they think your lying.
Do tell them that your ex has offered for you to see your son in secret, though it would not be a good idea to take him up on that offer, as it could come back to bite you.
I can also empathise with how difficult this whole situation is for you, but you have to try to not send nasty texts to your ex, he could show them to his solictors and make things look worse for you, it would probably be better to have as little contact as possible with him.
Also go back to your doctors and explain how your feeling and get them to chase up that referral for counselling, it can take along time depending on how long the waiting list is for your practice.
As i have only read your most recent post i don't know much about your circumstances do you have anyone that you can talk to or anyone that is supporting you?
hi sally yes thanks i think i will speak to the legal expert , i may even be able to apply for legal aid in the next few weeks as my income might be going down although not to sure yet, could just do without all the drama would much prefer to be spending the time on my baby, am worried he has dirt on me , before i went to meet my mum i offerd to meet him in a very public park as i was taking baby out and thought it wuld give him a chance to see baby before i went and just keep him hppy for tht time but he turned up at the house when i had arranged to meet him away from the house he then made his way in to the back garden and took a short vidoe of the baby in her walker while i sorted out her pram bag , and then left , im thinking he may try to say i invited him when i didnt and he has this short video of baby to prove he has been to my adress!!
hi marriane42 so sorry to hear what your going through , stay strong i know how hard it can be , i really hope things work out for you , i agree with the pr,s you should go and seek legal advice , good luck x
Hi caza hun x Sorry to hear that arrangement didnt work out but you had kind of prepared for it and I think court is the best option as it is final and you can then move on without the threat of court hanging over your head (like I did for 6 years). Be strong hun and you will get through it.
My court experience was a nightmare and I have been a wreck since but now have some meds from doc and feel a bit more able to concentrate on what needs to be done. I wrote the full story in my thread "Court day was a disaster" but basically my ex has insisted we have a trial in which I now have to testify against him and be cross examined in court. When it was ordered I basically had a panic attack in court in front of him and had to be excused so missed the rest of the hearing :o(. I have been in contact with Womens aid and they are gonna accompany me at the trial and are even sorting out some legal advice for me which I desperately need because it is all so overwhelming. I would strongly advise you speak with womens aid yourself as representing yourself is hard enough but when you dont have any support it is torture. I spent days being angry at myself for humiliating myself in court whilst ex sat there smirking -he was loving seeing me in that state. Now I am searching for the strength to face him at next hearing and testifying without falling apart.
The thing that drives me is I know I am doing what is right for my daughter and Cafcass and social services 100% back me up so fingers crossed it wont go his way... and that is when he is coming after me - or so he says!
Good luck hun, I know its hard but it for the right reasons so stick with it and be kind to yourself x x
Hi caza, do not beat yourself up over your ex coming, it happened and there is nothing you can do to change it. You know the truth in your heart and that is what counts.
Is it possible to talk with your manager and find out more aobut your income being reduced? Having the support of a solicitor through legal aid, would definitely be a weight off.
If you think that No Contact is the best option for your child, then you pursue it caza. The courts may decide that contact is in the best interests of the child, however you will know that you did what you think is right. Don't say Contact, because you think it is what they want to hear. You just never know which way the Judge will swing, but you need to stand firm in your decision I believe. It shows the Court that you mean what you say and for good reason, not just trying to be difficult and 'teach him a lesson'
marianne - I cant imagine how difficult it must be for you and I understand why you would send nasty texts, but you really need to stop - it will be doing you no favours. Write it down, just don't send it. Who do you have supporting you with this?
hi little angel court sounds like it was really horrible for you and yes your right this is the best option now do your ex,s parents ever get involved , i realy feel like they are singlying my baby out the grandmother demanding to take her out to her sisters house but i dont think shes demanded this off any of the other grandchildren i still have nasty texts from her from when the last time they started all of this , saying im evil and what goes around comes aroud wont look good on her i hope, baby cryed when she heard his voice and saw him , i think it was cos she recognised his voice cos she doesnt do it with absouloutly no one else, i hope things go well for you in the next hearing i will contact womens aid for some support
hi anna im waiting fr my mat leave to go down thought it was gona go down this month but it must be next month i also think my tax credits are going down due to an overpayment so iv got to wait hopefully it will get sorted soon , mad really hoping for less money when we all usally need more , i should of mentioned my back garden gate leads on to the street and i have patio windows that lead on to the garden so this is how he took the video , he didnt walk through my house but round to the back and baby wasnt in the garden she was in living room with patio doors open , i really do think he is going to use this as evidence against me as this was the last time he saw baby, they have definatly tried to manipulate me over these couple of months only arranging me go to them when he got his job seekers so he could give me back travel fares , but then throwing in my face i only go when he gets paid, and making food when i have said i dont want nothing to eat and making me feel uncomfortable if i dont it has all been a game to them and i feel like i have been really stupid and played along , i will neva trust them again, he will cause me hurt and pain forever if they get there own way and will reflect it on baby
little angel how did you get in contact with womens aid and did you ask them to support you through court , i hope the courst dont decide to give acess x
he just rang me saying thats it , he,s gona fight for custody he, s sister wants to beat me up and he,s gona get me ex husband and kids beaten up , he said when he gets my baby he wont give her back nd that im a bad mother all his family screaming in the background sayin his gona wipe the smurk off my face, calling my kids niggas , he is saying evrything is my word against his
he said that the asault on me when i was pregnant means nothing as he was not charged and theres no proof , and said he is goin to poisin my baby agaisnt me when he gets her and there is no prooof he said all of this , all because i wont let him take the baby out threats of violence and tryin his best to upsett me , and it has worked im hoping because of his violence he wnt have a chance for custody and i will deffo be asking for no contact i am a nervous wreck now ,i hate him so much
im thinking should i log this with the police or will it make the situation worse if i log it will they go and see him , how do i get a restraining order do i need legal aid for that, i sent him a message sayin yuve thretend to get me and my kids beaten up and steal my baby youll neva change ur dangerous
i logged it with the police and they sent a patrol round to see me they said they didnt think much could be done about it and going round to see him and warn him would prob just make things worse , so nothing has come of it
Hi caza,
I'm sorry to hear that the situation with your ex has flared up again. You can always ask our legal expert her point of view on what is going on at present - I've posted a link here.
You were asking about women's aid too - I've posted another link for their website here.
You're doing a great job of looking after your kids welfare - but don't forget to look after you too.
Mary
Hi Caza really glad you logge it with the police becaus I never did and am finding it so hard now to recall any dates or prove any events. Even if police dont do anything they have a 'log' which will be useful in court. Also a warning from them may shut him up. Stay strong hun.
I contact womens aid by email from their website I did it by email as wanted to give a brief history before they called me. They have said they are coming to court with me which is good, they cant act on my behalf but can give me advice outside of court. Also they say they are going to help me sort out an injunction.
Luckily for me my ex has no family he grew up in a care home but he does know a lot of dodgy people who he says are gonna 'do me in' but only one of his 'friends' has actually ever approached me and tried to cause trouble.
Hi Sally I have my best mate who I talk with daily and am seeing tomorrow,my ex would not allow me to see my boy after all today and text my elder daughter to say he is pressing charges against me for text messages,so I am even more of a wreck than I already was,I am devastated that he wouldnt let my daughter see him today either,I not eaten for three days as I feel too sick and I feel so ill,my boy is nearing potty training age and I will miss it,I get regular e mails about his development but reading them reduces me too tears,I dont even know if he remembers me it has been 15 days.I am in a state of shock,not doing housework or looking after myself,I looked after my ex when he was poorly which has been for 2 and half years and I feel so betrayed.I am also waiting for the kids money to stop as they will take it if kids not with me also I will have to find extra rent for my second bedroom which I just wont have,I am really frightened at the mo but have drafted a letter to soliciotor and seeing GP tomorrow
hi i have emaild the legal expert im thinking mayy i should inform childline as thats where all babys files are and copy of agreement , i feel a bit like the police didnt take things very seriously it was almost as if they were his freind and at the same point i realise how it could of made things worse x
hi marriane42 good luck with the gp and solicitors i hope it helps x
No it wont look bad hun, its perfectly reasonable for you to expect his mum to keep a rein on him. If you were meeting him alone that might be another matter given he has a history of violence against you.
I have had a word with my solicitor friend about cross-examining my ex (yep still stressing lol) she has given me very good instruction on what I need to do, but now its just a case of getting the courage to do it.