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Its done... Application completed. Money paid. If checks go through i move in from 24th August.
So why do i feel so rubbish, i feel unhappy, but not happy. Now i have to tell my partner and thats the worst bit..
thinking of you midgeymoo - I have to say that I think it was only to be expected you would feel rubbish - that is because you care and you have thought long and hard about what it is you want.
I hope you will feel better in a day or so when it has sunk in - sending you a hug
It is great that you have such supportive parents midgeymoo, how are you feeling this evening?
Your not a horrible person for not telling him what you have been up to this past week, from all that you have said before, you have mentioned to him about moving out so your not exactly going behind his back.
It is funny how some children embrace change and others shy away from it, i am sure that once you have moved and things have settled your son will be fine.
Will be thinking of you 
I feel really out of sorts this evening. My dad has stayed for the day, hes still here bless him.
I'm going between feeling that its the best idea, to doubts about what i'm doing. I'm thinking that yes it will all work out one way or another and i'm thinking i love my partner.
I don't feel overly emotional, but i feel tearful and feel i want to cry, but then i'm ok again. I don't have that end of the world feeling like i have done in the past.
I feel i need to tell my partner sooner rather than later, but my dad says 'do you need to tell him yet?' Its somewhat a confusing feeling.
My eldest has always been pretty laid back and takes things in his stride. My youngest finds change really difficult.
I'm getting myself all worked up about how my partner will react, how his children and his family will react. My partners brother wanted (and still wants to) knock off my partners ex wife head and give her a mouthful. Am also looking around the house and garden and thinking i'll miss it, what if he sells it etc, i'm getting nostalgic, i think thats the word i'm looking for.
So kinda bit down this eve. To be expected really.
Oh god. My partner is being so nice, he can be when he wants to. Its my birthday tomorrow and hes been out and got presents etc from my boys to me because their dad never bothers.
My youngest is now asking me, 'so when the 6 weeks holidays is over, will we be in a new house'. It won't be long before he says something to my partner before i do.
Was going to say something this eve, but couldn't.. Get there soon i guess..
Everything you are going through is normal - happy birthday for tomorrow
I think if the kids know it would probably be better to tell him
I think it would be hurtful coming from them
I have a similar situation and my ex is probably going to move in with my ex best friend - she has told the kids and they could well end up telling mine - I will never forgive him if he doesn't tell them himself for this if it happens
I think you owe it to him to tell him yourself but go easy on yourself - you have been through a lot
I thought i would feel ok this morning. Feel naff though. I'm now thinking of silly things too, like where am i going to put the tumble dryer and i don't have a lawnmower, will there be enough space for boys toys. Keep thinking i should have waited for something more roomy, but know that wouldn't happen as costs would be much higher. I'm cursing myself for having spoken to my boys about things, i haven't said we are actually going to move though but all the same i'm afraid they'll say something before i do.
Was not a good nights sleep, things rolling round my mind, much the same as in my post yesterday. Have i really done the right thing? Could i make it work living here? But i know deep down i'm just kidding myself. I know i'd feel much happier living together apart, i just got to get my head round it, its the 21st centry for goodness sakes, anything goes these days and i know i don't have to be in whats classed as a 'normal relationship' to be happy.
Going stir crazy again...
Why is it that now i've made a descion, made a move to meet my needs, why is it that i feel i have made the wrong decision? Why do i feel that i want my partner more than ever? His love and his touch that is? It makes no sense...
I'm having huge swings between, 'i can make it work apart' and 'i can make it work if i stay'. I'm viewing every scenario in my head, questions and more questions.
Feel like i'm going crazy... Texted my dad and he said he understands how i'm feeling, but that when i'm in my own place i will be able to do what i want without someone looking over my shoulder or questioning why all the time.
Very tearful...
Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday dear brave, bold, strong, intelligent, fabulous Midgeymoooooo oooooo
Happy Birthday to You!
(As my daughter would say - Cheers - To the first day of the rest of your life)
Midgeymoo, I actually stood up and clapped with pleasure when you said you have signed the contract. You have actually done something for you, well done
Whether it is right or wrong - who knows? And does it matter? If it is right, perfect, you have a place to be yourself with your boys, if it isn't right, you reflect and give your notice to the landlord and be back with your partner.
I think we spend so much time as mothers / girlfriends that doing something for ourselves feels selfish.
Sally is right - this isn't behind your partners back. You told him this is what you were doing. Tell yourself that the right time will show itself to tell your partner - and it will.
Today will be hard, because no doubt your partner will shower you with love and affection and gifts. A mistake that I have made in the past is think that I have to be in control of everyones emotions. If you suddenly feel a huge rush of love for your partner - give him a hug. (He might think that means that everythings ok now, but you don't mean that, it would be his misinterpretation, however it does mean that you are being yourself).
Worrying about stuff never helped anything or anyone, so please give yourself a break. You have made a decision and everyone who loves you has to respect it. You are not doing any of this maliciously, you are just loving yourself.
I hope that you can enjoy today as it really is the first day to your future 
Thanks for the birthday wishes, thats just so nice, thank you
I have done something for me haven't i? Thats the strangest thing simply because its for me, i always put everyone and everything else first, so i guess its going to appear difficult when i do something for myself and for me to feel i'm being selfish. As you all have said, so kindly, I should be proud of myself for having made a difficult desicion. I've never really seen myself as bold, brave, and intellegent but i do know i'm made of pretty tough stuff these days.
The bit where you mentioned:
"Whether it is right or wrong - who knows? And does it matter? If it is right, perfect, you have a place to be yourself with your boys, if it isn't right, you reflect and give your notice to the landlord and be back with your partner."
Thats the most difficult part, not regarding me or my partner, but my boys, when we move thats a big change and if we suddenly move back then thats another change. I don't want to mess my boys about, i try so hard to keep a stable life for them. Though i do understand what you are saying.
I understand what you are saying about feeling that 'I have to be in control of everyones emotions' a mistake i make many a time. I feel that i have to feel for everyone else as well as myself - does that make sense?
And so true, i've not set out to hurt anyone in any way, i've not behaved out of anger or spite etc..
I kinda feel ok again at the moment probably because i've been posting on here, texting my dad and my best friend and listening to / learning from the replies.
I want to feel free to be me, enjoy my children, and hopefully work on my relationship (if thats what my partner wants too) its that simple really.
I'll probably be back later on with lots of messy thoughts and questions, maybe not. But for now, i feel ok.
Thanks for being there x x
Hi midgeymoo
I think our children can handle a lot of change especially if it is for the better. It sounds definitely better that you move out for a while AND if you decide to move, that can only be for the good too!
Relationships are very difficult aren't they. They certainly aren't as clear as black and white. We just have to listen to our inner voice that is telling us - get out OR - I want to work at this but I need space OR - I love you sometimes and sometimes you infuriate me. By listening we get closer to answers, by denying our true thoughts and feelings, we are denying ourselves as humans.
Have a look at this Basic Assertiveness Rights - I still have to remind myself of them sometimes!!
I hope you have a lovely evening and get spoiled rotten, are you going out for supper? 
Sending peaceful and happy birthday wishes your way...
Thanks for the birthday wishes
I spent my day at work where my students all sang happy birthday to me and gave me a card which all of my students and the other classes had written in it. I work with adults with learning disabilities, they are a lovely bunch and a joy to work with...
When i got home, my ex hubbys dad had come over to see me and gave me a prezzie. We conjured up a birthday tea for my parents (they looked after my boys today), my ex FIL and my neighbour/friend and her lad.
My friend got chatting bout all this moving etc with me, shes in counselling with her hubby and urged me to go as she says she has noticed a huge difference in her hubby. I explained things to her and she then said, well you need to do whats best for you and i'll be here to support you.
My partner was at a works conference this morning with buffet dinner, and played golf this afternoon with his work collegues (part of the conference). He arrived home just after 8.30pm and asked if i want to go to the pub for some tea.
I'm in deep now... I had a call from the letting agents to tell me that the credit checks were all okay and i now need to confirm a moving in date. Said i'd call tomorrow.
Spoke to my dad about it, told him how i feel. I find it easy to talk to him, he listens, he allows me to talk. I told him that i will miss things like the amount of space in the house my partner and i share, the trampoline - where will i put it? (dad purchased it for my boys and doesn't want it left here), i'll miss the spacious garden and the peacefulness, i'll miss my neighbour/friend. Its all so materialistic... And i told him how i'm afraid that if/when i move, I'm afraid of how my partner will handle it, how will he cope, how will he tell his three children and how will they feel. I told my dad that i just want my boys to feel happy and i don't want to keep being a pain in the rear end constantly having a whinge and a moan at him and mum about everything.
Its all happening so fast... and i'm in conflict of emotions. I am thinking that when we move we will be able to do it a bit at a time as we don't have to be out at a set time from where we are now. When i drove home from work i was thinking about what would fit where in the bedrooms and lounge etc and things i would need to buy. I'm thinking, oh god, i don't want to do it, i don't want to move. I'm thinking i don't want to go counselling, whats the point, but also thinking it may work.. i'm thinking of what my dad said 'how much have you got left in you to keep trying?'.
I seem to have reached a point of no return (unless i bottle out, and trust me that thought is there) and its very very scary..
Tomorrow is another day, big final desicion day.
Have to go now, too many tears....
What a perfect end to my birthday. Am feeling so tired. Didn't get much sleep. I got into bed and thanked my partner for the present that he got me and he then asked me why my parents seemed so off with him in the morning (yesterday when they came to look after my boys so my partner could go off to his conference etc). He said they were hard to get converstion out of. I said it was prob coz they had an early start (8am or before) to get here and were't awake (they get up round 9am as both early retired). He then asked me, "whats going on, is there anything you want to tell me? I was going to get your birthday out of the way and ask on Weds, so sorry i'm asking now, i didn't want to, i didn't want to spoil your day"
So i told him. "I've still been looking for houses, as you know. I've found one. I've put in an application for one and i'm waiting for the checks to go through". He got choked up and had a few tears.
I tried to explain that i feel its what i need to do. I need to take a step back to move forward. I said that i've always felt a bit uneasy having moved in together so quickly and that i've spent many years trying to sort my own head out, my own probs alongside trying to have a relationship, run a house, work etc etc here. I told him i need space to get things straight.
He told me that i always see the bad things in the past and never remember any of the good times when we had fun together. I reeled off a couple of good times, i do remember them, and well too. He said he always looks back on the good stuff and forgets the bad things that have happened. He told me that there is no contact between us, that i have been cold towards him, that i've shut him out, theres no clossness and i don't talk to him about anything, not even about moving and what i'm doing at the moment, so how can me moving out make that any of it any better. He asked me that if i move out, does that mean i'll talk to him more, communicate and stop shutting him out? He said that he just wants to be close to me, to hold me in his arms and hug me, to kiss me, to be with me. I cried around this point. I told him that all i'm trying to do is meet my needs for a change and i'm not being malicious or trying to hurt anyone, lest of all him.
He then went on to say that he'll prob end up selling the house as its our house and he doesn't fancy kicking around in it on his own as it won't feel right. He said that when i made the comment to him about it 'not feeling like home, like our house but just his' and when i mentioned about 'him not letting me move stuff and change things about', that he felt cross and angry, he said it doesn't feel like our or his home either coz i have all my boys toys cluttered everywhere etc, but that he accepts this as this house is ours. He said hes always seen it as ours.
So as the converstion drew to a close, he started to ask about the house whilst hugging me and kissing me, and i hugged and kissed back too. I told him i'd been thinking about everyones reactions, to which he said it would be ok coz we'd just tell them what we'd discussed a month or so back when this first came to light. I said no coz i want to tell them the truth, i need space..
Last night i spent tossing and turning. Thinking. Maybe i am running away, away from commitment? Maybe i'm scared that if i commit in any way, if we see a counsellor together that everything i say and everything i've done will be wrong, that i will have to give in, that if he becomes a father figure to my boys, i'll be lost in the distance as my partner takes charge. I'm choosing to opt out of counselling because i'm afraid that my partner will be right and me wrong. I'm afraid that it will solve problems and i'll be all wrong. Just like my partner said "when my ex and i went counselling, i was the one that called up and arranged it. The counsellor was all for me and my ex didn't like that". I'll be honest, i'm afraid/scared of all that as much as i am of moving out..
I'm in two minds again now, with a call to make today re: moving in date. My partner is hurt and upset, i miss him just being here, i'll miss the house and garden, the short walk to school, all the materialistic stuff. Maybe my partner is right, maybe i do look at the past and see all the bad stuff, but its all i can see when i feel so muddled and angry, i don't forget the good stuff, i'm just blinded by emotion at the moment.
My partner is up now. Hes chatting away like nothings been said. Prob hes forgotten the bad stuff like hes says he does. Anyway hes chatty.
So here i am sitting here, tearful and sad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling guilty for hurting my partner, guilty for having feelings...
Hello midgymoo
What a horrid end to your birthday! and many happy returns from me too, belatedly.
I can do no better than to ask you to read Anna's post again, particularly where she says:
" Midgeymoo, I actually stood up and clapped with pleasure when you said you have signed the contract. You have actually done something for you, well done
Whether it is right or wrong - who knows? And does it matter? If it is right, perfect, you have a place to be yourself with your boys, if it isn't right, you reflect and give your notice to the landlord and be back with your partner.
I think we spend so much time as mothers / girlfriends that doing something for ourselves feels selfish."
Hold your nerve, midgymoo. The bit about him selling the house, that was meant to tug at your heart strings. Moving out does not mean you don't love your partner. It just means you want some space.
Mmm... wasn't the best end to my birthday, wasn't expecting it.
My little boy asked me this morning 'when we move mummy, will we be taking our toy shelfs'... bless his little cotton socks. He hasn't even dropped a word to my partner about anything we have chatted about with regards to moving.
My partner and i will probably talk again this evening, well, we might unless hes popped it in its box for now and is all chatty about everything but us.
I know he is upset and i hate to see that but i know most of what he says is usually something that will pull at my heart strings, and i in turn allow myself to feel guilty, selfish and whatever other feeling or emotion arrives at that time that makes me question myself.
He said hes fed up with how long this - me being the way i am - has been going on. He said he just wants the happy 'midgeymoo' he met 7 years ago. And i'm fed up with allowing myself to feel guilty following every conversation we have and giving in. So although i feel like giving in, i'm fighting it and fighting it hard and it hurts like hell.. I don't think i've ever felt this torn about a decision i've made, possibly because deep down somewhere in side i know its the right one at this moment in time, for me.
Ok. So I've kept my nerve. Yesterday was a funny kind of day. I felt a bit bad for having not spent much time with my boys, though we did go out for a couple of hours to a lovely sandy playpark for a picnic and an ice cream and later on in the day spent a good hour having a water fight in the garden. The remainder of the day i spent texting a friend/client (i'm a massage therapist too), my best mate from my school days 9i remember she went through similar to what i'm experiencing now and i was there supporting her at the time) and my dad. I had another natter with my boys about a possible move, and them seem totally okay with it all. My client/friend posed a question to me which after then talking to her when she got my reply really helped alot. She asked me: step back and look at the whole relationship from above. Does he feel as you do, do you both contribute to the relationship, are you both giving to each other and, are the boys involved as they should be?
My answer to this was: My partner loves me a huge amount. I love him, but I don't feel head over heels with him. He will help if I ask and an I'll do the same. I do the bulk of looking after the house, and daily tidying up and arranging any maintainance - calling plumber, electrician etc. He pays for maintenance if he's about. I sort out all the food shopping and cook from scratch for us and my boys 6 days a week and a Sunday when his kids are round. He cooks on a Sunday for us, loads and unloads the dishwasher and washes up. I bath my boys and put them to bed, He has offered but the boys don't like him to. He will look after the boys for a few hours if I ask e.g. When I'm at urs. I pay for all my own bills, all my boys stuff and clubs, the tv licence and the weekly shop plus any top ups. Andrew pays the mortgage and household bills. I care for my boys 80% of the time they are here. My partner integrates wiv his three and the boys during the weekends we hav all the kids. He plays and spends slot of time wiv my eldest as he shares his interests, he always attends my eldests footy matches. He spends very little time with my youngest and doesn't attend any of his clubs to watch. He plays golf every other week, plays footy once a week, goes out wiv his mates every other week. I attend book club and the occasional eve out when my boys are at their dad's. We go out as a couple, probably once a month. He prefers to watch tv in the eve so I read or sit on my laptop. If I arrange a surprise eve in as oppose to watching tv he'll be up for it but he doesn't do the same for me. He does ask if I'd like a bath run on the odd occasion. I guess I really do look after him but I don't feel looked after.
She said that it doesn't seem very balanced alot of give from me and not much in return. She said he sounds manipulative. She said a relationship needs to be very much more balanced than how my partner and i are, she mentioned that it seems pretty unbalanced with my boys too, and so on... We chatted for around an hour.
Come the evening, my boys sat comfortably watching a movie and i sat down in the kitchen to eat dinner with my partner and we talked for the whole time my boys watched the movie.
You see my youngest had said to my partner "after the 6 weeks A******, we might be in a new house, but you can come visit and sleep over". My partner was shocked and it sparked the conversation.
He agreed that me moving out is probably a good thing but he can't quite get his head around the concept. He told me that after our last 'heated' conversation where he disappeared for the day, that he did so because he would say things he didn't want to say because he was so angry. He is cross because he says i don't like his son and says that he treats his children all the same. He told me that we cannot really be a family or he a father figure until i (as in me) changes?? He said that he feels the same as me, though he sees the house as ours, he feels its not his.. this is because its filled with mostly my stuff (when we moved in i provided all the white goods and furniture because i had been living alone). He said he feels he has let me do alot around the house (i fought for a year to get my computer cupboard/desk errected and for 4 years to get some pets which had to be outdoor coz he doesn't like pets). He told me that he feels my dad undermines him and takes over when hes here (my boys love seeing my dad, especially my youngest because he just gets stuck in with what the boys want to do), he told me that its like havin a 3 way relationship and hes always fighting for attention from me because i'm close to my dad (my dad simply listens and never judges). So anyways, i let him talk. He continued by saying that theres no clossness and all he wants is some attention and contact with me, he wants to feel loved and wants to make love, says he finds it difficult not being close and its what he needs. He also mentioned that i need to talk more and asked if i move out will i then talk more and make love?? Come the end of the converstion i simply said 'thank you fro talking to me, i'm really sorry, i know this is difficult, the decision has not been an easy one. This is what i need for me right now and i would really appreciate it if you can support me. If you really do love me like you say you do, then i hope you will and given the space we can work on our relationship without causing any further hurt'.
So after deep converation, we ended up (well my partner ended up) discussing things to leave and take etc.. We then moved on to what he is going to say to his kids, seeing as my boys may now mention something to them (they come round for the weekend as of today). I told him to say that it is because we are not getting on, that we need some space to get back on track and that we will still be seeing each other, kids and all'. He said hes not sure and will think about it, said he may still say its to do with having so many children to look after. Personally i rather tell the truth, i have told my boys the truth. I also said that if his 3 want to ask any questions regarding it then i will be happy to answer any. My partner then mentioned that its going to be a great day as he is going to be telling his 3 that their grandad (his dad) has cancer and is going through treatment... Great..
After all that, its like a huge weight has been lifted, my partner and i are hugging, kissing and chatting. Its not all better by no means, but it feels alot better. As i said before and to my partner. Its not the end, space is needed to take a step back in order to move forward, this is not for everyone, its not traditional, but its what i want and need to do.
So, i am going to ring the letting agents to arrange the moving in date today...
That's good to know, midgymoo and it sounds as if the chat with your friend helped a lot, too. Deep breaths again!
Well done you. Having that discussion and feeling like a weight has been lifted, definitely says that you are doing the right thing for you at this time.
Do you now have a moving in date??
Evening..
Yes. I now have a moving in date of 24th August. Its all very surreal round here. My partner has now told his 3 and they all seem ok. My partner seems pretty relaxed, though he has started to revert to old ways now that we are rubbing along together again. Me, i'm ok, its very strangely going better than i expected things too 
.
I've started looking into the benefits side of things - housing benefit, council tax and JSA (as i'll be out of work, hopefully only for a short while, as of next week), etc... I've also started looking around for furniture and the like.
Feel very tired today, but feel ok too...
Thank you all so very much for listening and offering your support and advice. Its all very much appreciated x x
You are very welcome, it is such a lonely time when you are making these kind of decisions.
Isn't it funny when something that we have been dreading turns out to be better than previously thought!
Its funny isn't it how your partner has reverted back, now that he knows how the land lies, does this help or hinder the situation for you?
To be honest, it helps. I now realise or remember why i need my space. He assked me about at 11.30pm last night if i could look after his two girls today (along with my boys). His eldest was off to his grandads to paint and my partner was off to work, both at 8am and they returned home at 6.30pm.
We've had a nice day, making olympic decorations - bunting, posters, flags. We popped to the shop for supplies - flags, cups and plates etc and face paints and buffet foods. We grabbed lunch and did some more posters etc. This afternoon we headed off to the golf driving range and returned home to chill out and paint our nails and faces with GB colours. I then sorted out tea, lasagne, pizza, garlic bread, cakes, fruit etc and when my partner and his son arrived home we all tucked in. We're now going to watch the build up to the opening ceremony and the actual ceremony, so late night ahead. Its so much nicer when my partner and his eldest are not around, because we are free to do what 'we' want to do, as oppose to what my partner wants to and wants us to do. So much nicer..
So, my partners comment the other eve, which i didn't tell you about, he told me that i would be more stressed and not able to cope alone with my children as he feels he does quite a bit to help me with my boys - he wakes them up in the morning, he drops at school one morning a week and picks them up one afternoon and he plays with them when hes up for it. Anyway, i'm at the end of the day, totally chilled though a little tired having managed to entertain 4 children of varying ages. I'm not useless, i can cope, and i don't really know why he made the comment in the first place.
My partner is totally back to normal today, its like nothing has happened, its just like it always is. He was telling me last night what i should and shouldn't have at my new house and he was telling me that i can have most of the stuff in the house because he will replace it with new stuff. I don't think so...
Although i love him, wish to still have a relationship with him and don't mind spending time with all the children, I definately have made the right decision and moving away from the manipluation and control is a good thing. I have rights, wants and needs to and i'm sure as hell going to meet them.
It may be a smaller house we are moving to, but it will feel free. Roll on the 24th Aug, i can't wait!
I am glad you feel that the decision has been the right one.
Your Olympic day sounded FAB! Hope the children are not too tired after theit late night, I had to slope off to bed at about 11.
Hi there!
So things are moving along (fast!), its just over a week until my boys and i move into our new home. Lots has been happening, me - many tears and frustrations, nostalgia too maybe. I've been snappy with my boys much to my disgust, but we had a few days stay at my parents and i felt so much better and have been less snappy upon our return home.
My boys seem to kind of understand, i have explained everything as simply and honestly as i can. My eldest seems quite laid back about it but my youngest is a little aprehensive, but then so am i. All i can do is to keep talking with them and answer their questions. I have also taken them to view the house we will be moving into and they seem ok with that. I know there will be a few wobbles initially, but i know we'll be ok in the long run.
As for my partner, its like nothing is going to happen. He is behaving as he always has done, somethings said, it blows over and he buries his head in the sand. Hes told his family, and they are ok with things, so thats that really. On our weekends together without the children, we have been getting on fine. With everything else back in the equasion though its not so grand, well for me anyway. I'm still running around like a headless chicken doing everything and looking after everyone, his children are still treating the house like a hotel when they come to stay, my partner is still favouring my eldest (more so now) and ignoring my youngest etc etc... You think things would have changed even just a little??
My partner and i talk, but if i feel like talking about how to deal with a particular situation regarding my children seeing their dad, or about my study or work, well in fact anything to do with me, its not interesting enough and he switches off, so no change there. He keeps pestering me for sex, coming on strong and saying hes sexually frustrated. Bliss... Can't wait to gain some space..
As for me, i'm very up and down, stuggling to sort out the benefits side of things, find some work, complete paperwork for uni, loans etc.. and on top of it all the tax credits guys want me to repay them a fair sum in overpayments to us (my partner and i, our couple claim) - partner not interested in helping to pay this, as its my responsibility, charming! - so lots going on, i'm surprised i'm still sane!!
I have managed to find furniture on ebay, have used up my Tesco clubcard vouchers on stuff for the household and have a selection of things to take from the house i share with my partner. All i need now is a lorry to transport it all.
I really don't know what i would do without my parents as they have as always been a tremendous support, i just feel so bad for dragging them through this with me when they should be enjoying their retirement. But all the same i love them to bits, i hope i will be (or am) as supportive a parent to my two as they have always been to me.
So thats it really, i've muddled my way through the first 3 weeks of the school weeks and aside from all the above have managed to have some nice days out and good times with my boys and my family. Few weeks to go and we'll be in our new home with a few new challenges to face although happier ones i hope 
x x
You've been so busy.
Blooming WTC when I got divorced there was an overpayment, ex said he'd pay and then defaulted - have you told that them that you'll be moving shortly to be a single parent rather than a couple? (I disagreed with the overpayment, and MP took it up with them, and I never heard again...).
I'm so glad you have your parents supporting you. More than anything I wanted my Mum and Dad there for me. I'm also certain that they wouldn't have things any other way either, than to be there for you.
I hope you can organise transport and that the new life that lies ahead will be smooth, peaceful and happy.
I'm not sure what to say about the way your partner is dealing with things. Time will sort that one out, I guess.
Stay strong and be proud of all you have worked through and achieved.
Hear, hear sparkling!
It does all sound really busy, but in a positive way I am wondering if your partner's attitude is in fact confirming that your decision to move out is correct. You will love having a place all to yourself!!
Re Working Tax Credit, if you do have to pay it then make sure it is in instalments, I had to pay £30 a month for a year for mine. But definitely worth appealing, especially if it seems to be their fault for not actioning something or being slow off the mark.
Hi there. Its been a few weeks, but my boys and i have almost moved into our new home. Its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride though. My boys went to their dad's for 5 nights then i collected them to go camping with some of our friends. We camped a few nights (one of which i spent at the emergency doctors due to my hands, wrists and fingers seizing up on me followed by my other joints, very strange..). Folloing camping i dropped my boys off at their dads for their next 5 night stay and joined my partner for a trip to Bath for 3 nights. The strange thing is, we had a great time, it was just like being in our dating days again with fun, laughter etc...
We arrived home and i went straight to my new house to meet the inventory guy to collect my keys and inspect the house. Over the last 4 days i have been moving in to my new home. My partner has been helping, his children have helped, my parents and my boys rejoined me today. Its been manic as i have been trying to sort out all my benefits (still!) and change of address, sorting out utility connections and so on.
So, it looks like tonight will be my last night of living with my partner at his house. The crazy thing is, i feel so very sad, after all is said and done and all the pain/joy etc over the years and though i know its the right decision i've made, i miss him already (and i'm not even gone as yet!). I feel so mixed up and am hurling lots of questions at myself, i'm feeling all sorts of emotions, and the thing i am most asking myself is - what am i doing?
Now in tears, so gonna stop the typing and go get some sleep, thanks for listening x
Good morning midgeymoo!
Welcome to a new adventure! Today will be full of mixed emotions, but reading your post made me feel really positive.
Your partner could have been really difficult and awkward, but he is playing along and being supportive by sounds of things. You are doing this for you and peace of mind. No-one know what the future holds, but right now, you are going to have a bit of space and not have to constantly worry about the boys and your partner. You are not going to feel put upon and isolated.
You are taking life into your own hands and creating it how you want it.
It sounds as though you and your partner do work well together, without the children in the mix. Right now you both have children and responsibilities towards them, maybe you can enjoy date nights together and when the children have grown up and moved on, you may find yourselves back together under the same roof.
No relationship is perfect and there is no perfect way to have a relationship, you can only do what suits the two people in the relationship.
I am excited for you and the future and I hope that over the next couple of days, when you are in your new home and you and your boys sit around for supper together and there is no stress, you can smile to yourself and know that this is perfect!!
Now is the time for you to find yourself again, set up your boundaries and listen to what midgeymoo wants first and foremost.
Good luck with the move, thinking of you
Hi
Its been a good few weeks since i last posted and alot has happened. The first week in our new home was awful to be very honest, lots of mixed emotions from not just myself but from my children and my partner too.
My youngest who hates change at the best of times, has done his best to cope amid a monsterous mummy, with me swinging between tears, laughter and anger. He's hated me numerous times, told me i'm mean plenty and hurled everything hes got at me. It was pretty upsetting for us all, but he too was trying to cope with the move, new home and a new year at school... Thankfully things have calmed somewhat and both he and i have mellowed this last week (bedtimes are still a nightmare with him though). My eldest seems to have sailed through everything, hes so chilled its unbelievable... Though saying that the squabbles and fights between my boys has also calmed this week, thankfully, and they are the best of buds again.
My parents have been absolutely wonderful and so supportive. They have been over practically every day since we first moved, helping to sort and fix etc, and calm us all down. They are just the best parents and i feel so very lucky.
My partner too has had his ups and downs, being tearful, snappy, grumpy etc, but also helpful and still here..
Alot of the time during the first week i wondered what i'd done and kept thinking i'd made the worst mistake ever (emotions taking hold, big time). This last couple of weeks though i've realised why i wanted to move out.. My partner is playing dumb re the tax credits overpayment (repayment of), claiming he doesn't understand it and can't pay anything anyway coz hes skint (well me too!). I thought, what kind of partner is he if he won't even attempt to share the repayment. Money, its all about him... So thats one reason i remember - finance. he broke down in tears last week, he began by saying it was work getting him down, his son going off to Uni, everything has gone wrong and his life is shit. Said its alright for me coz i got the boys but its like a morg when he gets home. He complained bout not having time to tidy up, clean, work etc etc. I thought, 'welcome to my world'. He then moved on to say that the previous eve when he came to stay that he was expecting a nice cooked meal, us two, time to chat, coz i wouldn't be distracted by TV or computer (as none conected at that point) and that when he arrived and saw my dad, he felt like my chaperone was here and felt like a spare part. He was also bit peed off coz my dad had cut the grass and bought me a mower and that he'd wanted to do it for me with his mower. All my fault as usual i thought, how nice to be able to go back to my own home away from it all. Anyways, he was ok this week, i made sure it was just us, meal cooked, my dad not here etc.. Partner waltzs in bosses my boys about and makes an attempt at control which i put a stop to there and then. When my boys were in bed we ate... and he switched on the TV and was glued to it. Can you believe it.
All in all, aside from the benefits side of things (still trying to sort things out), the job front (not having one as yet), this move was a good idea. Our relationship works better, my partner gets the attention he wants (as i'm not there all the time its easier to give him attention), our love life has returned (no demands placed on me, no presure), i spend more quality time with my boys which is bliss, i do what i want, when i want, how i want, this is the bit that feels strange as i'm doing things coz i want to, not coz i have to, i feel calmer, more relaxed. As for baad points, thats prob the financial side and relying heavily on my parents help with money (though i've vowed to repay what i can when i am able to).
Happy? YES!
Might not seem like it quite at the moment, but i can feel MY life and ME are slowly returning and its nice, very nice :-)
x x
Glad things have settled down and now the dust has settled you can see that this has been the right decision. Your youngest will have found it a bit of an upheaval. You say bedtimes are still a nightmare, how old is he?
Thanks
My youngest is 7 (8 in March next year). Hes always be very unsettled at bedtimes from a young age. I'm hoping that now we are living alone that i can focus more on it and help him towards a restful nights sleep as oppose to him not being able to switch off at night and pushing a final sleep time of around 9,30/10pm and later on occasions!
Hey midgeymoo! Great to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing just this morning!
I am glad that you have gotten over the first week and you are beginning to see the benefits of the move.
Over the next few weeks is a great time to sort your youngest sleeping pattern out. New house, new rules, new boundaries.
What is his evening routine?
Hi midgymoo
I was thinking that age is perfect for a star chart (the object not being to get to sleep but to stay in his room quietly reading or thinking)
Hope you will have a good weekend, any plans?
Hi
I had a lovely weekend. My partner and i went to Warner Bros Studios for the Harry Potter tour, it was my belated birthday gift from him. Sad to say it, but i'm a big Harry Potter fan. On Sunday we went to visit my partners eldest at Uni, hes just moved into his student digs down there and we took some more of his belongings to him. He showed us around the area and we went out to lunch.
I was pretty tired this morning after all the driving/travelling. My boys had a nice weekend with their Dad, they had him all to themselves which is a rarity but nice for them all the same. They still say that they don't want to go anymore, for various reasons but mostly to do with how much he smokes, swears and the state of his (and his wifes) house. I've been trying for ages to sort things out without denying him access to the boys, but its getting to that stage i'm afraid. Hes stopped paying me maintainance too, since June. So much for voluntary payments..
Feel like once i get over one hurdle, the next comes right at me..
As for my youngest and bedtime. i feel that i am as much to blame. I have a routine of giving them a warning that bedtime is approaching and then we get upstairs, i ask them to put on pyjamas and brush teeth, i put on their eczema creams and sort out medications. I read them a story each on their bed cuddled up to them, to which my older son listens and cuddles up, but my youngest plays with his figures and sometimes listens or will play so loud i end up raising my voice to complete the story. I get them settled down and pop on the story tape, oldest settles fine, cuddle, kiss, snuggles down for the night. Youngest, i give a kiss and a cuddle and then... he has 101 questions, has just got to do this, tat and the other, needs this, needs that. Gets stroppy when i refuse the 100th request. Some nights settles other nights out of bed 2 - 3 times with needing something, or lies in his bed chattering away until 10/10.30pm. He just can't switch off. And so it goes on.. I used to feel quite angry and end up engaging in a battle. That tends to only happen on the odd occasion when i'm really tired now, mostly i am able to stay calm although inside i am feeling really frustrated.
So, am okay, but just a few things to iron out 
x x
Hi midgeymoo, sounds like a great weekend.
You are in a period of change, so all of these different things are going to raise their heads - this is ok, because although stressful you can deal with them one at a time, to make a clearer path for the future.
You say that the boys had a nice weekend, so that is good, however it is not nice for them to hear him swearing, or to be around the smoking. Is this something you could put in an email? Would he acknowledge his faults?
As for the child maintenance, how about contacting CMoptions? It is his duty to pay maintenance for the children and it is their right.
OK, bedtimes, it sounds as though your eldest enjoys the listening and cuddles and it suits him to curl up listen and then go to sleep. Your youngest has a different temperament and needs something different. What do you think he needs? 20mins 1-2-1 chattertime before storytime? Do you read to your eldest first or second? Does your eldest fall asleep whilst your youngest is nattering away to himself?
It sounds as though something needs to change, whether it is his evening routine or you being firmer with your boundaries, only you can tell. What do you think?
Hi there
It is a period of change and at times stressful too. Finally settled my youngest down this evening after a barrage of 'i hate you', 'your mean', 'i don't have to' etc etc... Hes a pretty angry little man, hates change of any kind and i guess i'm the safest outlet for that anger.
The boys always say they don't want to go to their dads, oldest one says it, youngest chips in, but when they get there they run up to their dad with the biggest of hugs. I did have a meeting with my ex husband about 6 months ago to discuss things as he was leaving me to do all the dropping off and collecting, not paying maintenance etc.. i also mentioned the fact that the boys were not liking staying at his for reasons i mentioned. Nothing has changed, just 4 weeks ago, i visited the same ground as did my dad but to no avail. Its mostly to do with his missus more than him, she says jump and he says how high kind of thing. I told him that if things do not improve then i would need to find an alternative way for him to see the boys so they don't have to stay at his house. My oldest is also ivolved a lot with football now and has matches each weekend as well as training. His dad says he can't go and has to come to his for the weekend. I think this makes my oldest feel angry alongside the smoking, messy house etc. Both my boys have eczema too and each weekend they come home from their dads it flared up and it takes me the two weeks until their next visit to get it back under control.
As for the money side of things, i contacted the CSA and have asked them to now take the money directly from him. When my ex gets wind of this, his wife will have a bash at me and call me all names under the sun and the ex when then follow with his bit. Sad really, the money is to support his children, not me...
My youngest has a very different temperament to my oldest. He finds it hard to switch off, wants to know all thats going on and why, hates change and wants everything his way :-) My oldest is pretty laid back, takes things in his stride, doesn't mind change and kind of just gets on with things. Me, i find change hard, but cope, i find it hard to switch off and relax, when i know what i'm doing i get on with it and i wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not really sure what my youngest needs. He loves it when it is just he and i, though he is very demanding of my attention, when his brother is about, he says that i don't love him as much and then starts annoying and teasing his brother which in turn gains my attention. This is worst at bedtimes. I try to sit and chat/spend some time with my youngest, but he tells me to go away or to go sit on his brothers bed and readd to him but not watch him play with his figures. To be honest i can't seem to do anything right. My oldest drifts off whilst my younget chatters away to himself, his head hits the pillow and hes off to dreamland! I think both the routine and i need to change for bedtimes, i need to be firmer with my boundries and he needs the routine. Its difficult some days, obviously because they go to their dads every other weekend and he lets them stay up to goodness knows what time so when they arrive home they are shattered. They also have clubs during the week. I wish i knew where i was going wrong? I know i'm not helping the situation.. I realise what i should be aiming for but I find it hard to focus on one thing and i always have many things on the go and many things unfinished too. Or i start on something and then forget i'm doing it and it goes by the wayside until i'm like, 'oh yeah..'
My little one has settled and is snoring at last x x
Hi midgymoo, of course some of your youngest's behaviour may be around the upheaval anyway.
I would be inclined to have a chat with him, on his own, NOT at bedtime and say that you want to talk to him about bedtime and you have noticed he finds it hard to settle. Say that it is very important to get lots of sleep to be healthy and to grow and also it is a rule of the house that boys need to settle down nicely to sleep. Ask him what would help him do this. Make sure in all your dealings with him at bedtime and around the subject of bedtime, you stay very calm and show no emotion (even when you are exhausted, frustrated and angry)
If he messes about when you ask him this and says "nothing" or runs away etc then say something along the lines of OK I am trying to help you here, if we can't find a way to help you then...(negative consequence such as no club or no tv...again NOT angry but in a sad resigned sort of way, as in oh dear you won't have the energy to be able to do X then) Eventually he will come round and you can start the POSITIVE consequences of star charts etc. But you're right,once you decide on a system then you have to stick to it. And you sound very emotionally caught up in his behaviour (that is not a criticism, we are ALL emotionally caught up with our children, of course we are) I am just saying that taking a step or two back could be a canny way to go with this situation.
As for the eczema, your oldest is big enough to make sure both boys have their cream on at bedtime at their dad's. Shame that this is the case, but needs must
Thanks. Will have a go.
Bad day today though. My youngest and i seem to be locked in a love/don't like battle with one another on a regular basis. If i'm honest its always been this way. He persitantly tells me he hates me, that i'm mean, that i don't do anything for him. He shouts, throws a wobbley here and there and can be very mean with his words. And me.. well i'm the one that set the example, i don't say i hate him or that hes mean, but i mention that i don't like his behaviour and that hes not being fair and i may throw a wobbley on occasions. And i'm supposed to be the grown up??!! On the flip side, once the anger and frustration has built within us, been bottled, thrown about a bit and finally dispersed by both of us, then the air is clear.. he is very loving, cuddly, the complete opposite. When it is just he and i alone, he is very demanding, wanting to do this and that, wants to play, wants me to be in same room, sit with him. If i go to do something else after spending time doing things together (and i don't mean a quick 5 mins) then he plays for attention by messing about or with awkward behaviour. When his brother is about, he then may get on ok for a bit, but then teases, annoys my eldest, eventually my eldest retaliates and then they end up hurting one or other.
I know i should have boundries, rules, routines etc. The morning school routine seems to be the only one i have at the moment which is adhered to. As for homework, reading practice, bedtime, helping about the house etc, i have nothing except disorder. I'll be honest, i don't know where to begin, its all getting me pretty down and was just the same when i was living with my partner. I know its been and a rough ride, its still a bit shakey, and i know as i make changes, introduce boundries etc, it'll prob get worse before things improve because behaviour etc have become habit and its the present habit (for me too) that i have to break.
I want to make changes, i want to change as a parent for the better, to enjoy my children more and i want my boys to have a mum who they remember as one who spent time with them, who was firm but fair (and had the confidence to be so), and smiled (more than i do). I'm an ok mum in the managing behaviour stakes, but i could be a damn site better.
Whinge over now, off to wallow in self pity in the bath. New day tomorrow :-) x
WOW getting the morning routine going is good! And yes, it is a different day today
You're right, we DO set the example for them and if we can manage not to lose our rag then that is one of the most effective parenting techniques I can recommend. I was thinking about when your boy is disrespectful and says mean things. I would recommend the When...then method (click here for full explanation) Your catchphrase on this occasion can be "When you can speak respectfully to me, then I will listen to you" You would need to say this several (hundred!) times in a calm way but it is one of my absolute favourite techniques. IT WORKS...but you have to stay calm and be the legendary broken record. it feels like now you have got your own space, it may be easier to tackle things?
Hi there
It’s been a while… about 6 months now since I last posted. I won’t say that its all been plain sailing, but it’s a damn sight better than it was J I’m posting, I guess, for someone to talk to after a pretty pants kind of week L
I’m still with my partner and I’m still living alone (happily) with my two boys J The naff bit is that my partner came to stay for a whole weekend at mine, which is the first time it’s happened, normally he only stays once a week on a Wednesday, but last weekend I had done a swop with my ex husband so my boys could attend parties, footy etc. So, my partner stayed over, and it was like I had been transported straight back to that which I moved away from to live alone. My partner just took over, telling my boys what to do etc just like the old days. My boys didn’t think much of this and the whole weekend were at one another’s throats as well as telling my partner that we do things are way which wound my partner up, and which in turn, the whole situation wound me up to the point of tears mixed with anger… To top it off, my partner still has his ‘I’ll do nothing, you do everything’ attitude. I hated the weekend, I really did.. I was in tears most of the time either that or highly strung and very snappy. And this last week I’ve felt naff. I think I just about managed to return everything to normal by Friday before my boys went to their dads for the weekend. I am most definitely NOT having my partner stay again for the weekend, not whilst my boys are in the house.. He still favours and has plenty of time for my eldest son, but same old with my youngest whom he sees as a pain in the rear end and has very little time or interest in. That hurts my youngest and it hurts and angers me to see it.
Aside from that, I am feeling very hit and miss over my partner. Kind of love/hate. Instinct says call it a day, head sometimes agrees and says, good idea this isn’t right and shows very little signs of change. Heart says, mmm.. I don’t know, not sure if I can take it…I know I don’t wish to move back in with my partner, I just don’t see it in my future. I like spending the odd weekend with him, but I have to take breaks from him even then through frustration. So I know head is right in saying call it a day, but heart doesn’t feel strong enough to take it at present.
Aside from all that hullabaloo things in general have improved for the better. I’m generally calmer and happier (aside from the recent blip). This in turn has had an effect on my boys, youngest especially. He is more settled and I’m having less (if any) battle with him now. He settles in the evening even though he still finds it hard to switch off much before 10pm, but we’re working on it, at least he stays in his bed and his room now. Behaviour in general has improved too. My boys seem to look forward to seeing their dad, they’re not so fret up about it, though the ex’s house hasn’t improved much, but the boys are not afraid to let him know these days. I have involvement of the CSA and they are sorting out regular maintenance directly from his employer along with backdated missed payments. Its funny really because now he’s offered to pay regularly off his own back. I wrote him a letter to say thanx for his concern about his missed payments and his offer to pay regularly, but that based on previous ‘promises’ I’ll be sticking with the CSA..
So all in all, in the last 6 months, a lot has changed, including my feelings about my relationship with my partner. I know in my head what I need/want to do, its just convincing my heart that it’s the best thing to do for me. My partner will never change, its how he is, he’ll never like my youngest for who he is and he will always have oodles of time for my eldest. I have two children, who have different personalities and temperaments, but I love them equally and neither is my most favourite, though they can both be a pain in the rear end (as can i!). I won’t allow my partner to treat them the way he does. I see our future, much the same as I see it now, I live alone with my boys and we see each other as and when, he wants more, I don’t. I see no more than that really. I love (is it love though?) and I loathe him, but I struggle to make a break/decision of any kind… Has anyone ideas on this frustratingly strange line of thinking that I’m experiencing?
So anyways, that’s me. Happy, but confused.. confused about my relationship with my partner that is. Everything else seems pretty clear and straightforward these days J
Hi midgymoo and nice to hear from you, glad things are generally feeling calmer. It sounds like it was a real shock to the system when your partner stayed for the weekend. That is not neccessarily a reason to finish the relationship, if you are happy with things on your terms then that's fine, I guess the crunch would come if your partner issued some sort of ultimatum, when you would have to decide.
Good news that the boys are more settled, I know you thought that would be the case and the proof of the pudding etc....
Hi midgeymoo, from me too! It is always lovely to hear from forum users who have gone away and done their thing and then come back to share what is going on
I am so pleased that the move has been the right thing for you and your boys, it sounds as though life is pretty good right now and you are feeling so much more in control.
I think Louise's response was spot on, so I won't add to it, just wanted to say Hi!
I'm glad live is happier Sometimes I think we do things as we believe things will be ok...
Take care, and I hope you and your sons enjoy the holidays.
Thank you
Mmm.. yes, the weekend that my partner stayed was a shock to the system.. i think a good one, as i realised how much life has improved for both my boys and i in the short space of time we've been in our new place. But you're right, its not a reason to end the relationship, i guess it just highlights that i function better this way, as a mother, partner and person in my own right, for me it works.. feeling much more in control not of anyone but just of my life and what i'd like out of it..
Tis true also, if issued an ultimatum then that would be the time for a decision to be made.. But for now, i feel free enough to be with him and be without him if that makes any sense. As in spend time with him and enjoy having us time alone, but also to spend time nuturing myself and my children as and when i please to without feeling frowned upon etc..
Thanks again for listening x
It all sounds good! Keep your boundaries up and don't let anyone step on them!
As you say, this life is about you and ensuring that you do what is right for you primarily.
Great that you have had the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, by having that weekend happen!
Hey again , i'm having a rather large wobble... 
Things seemed to be ticking along as they do, and now i feel like i've hit a wall.. It doesn't rain, it pours as they say.
My youngest seems to be going through a rough patch, coming out with hurtful comments, has an answer for everything, tearful, behaviour at bedtime has deteriated and apparently i'm the worst mum and everything is my fault, and so on.. He just seems so angry with me and with anything i do, and he is teasing his brother who then retaliates and they end up in a fight.. I do my best to calm things down, but i end up in tears and the next minute its as though everything is fine and nothing has happened. Bedtimes as i said, not good, youngest (8) just can't switch off and just has to do this or that before bed, or is up and down 3 or 4 times before he'll finally settle. Routine has gone out the window and he's not getting to sleep until 10pm at least.
Me.. I've just started a new job and even though its only 16 hours a week (12-3pm each day as a nursery asst.) i'm struggling to fit everything in and stay sane. I'm cycling 3 miles to work and back each day, so i feel physically tired too. Job is fine, nice people and i enjoy it. Thing is i'm all anxious before i get there but fine once i'm working. As for my relationship, i'll be very honest, i'm bored and fed up, its that simple. I can't be bothered to see my partner on the one day a week he comes round, but i do anyway, he bores me when i see him - we just do what he wants which is generally watch tv then hit the sack. i've lost the motivation to even try to suggest things to do to liven things up a bit. I tell him i love him when we speak over the phone each night, but i don't feel in love with him. I keep thinking that if was without him then i'd feel guilty for not being with him, which then makes me think that i love him, its all so confusing, i don't really know what i want. I know i want to feel happy, but its only me who can create that.
My ex is being a pain. Keeps promising the boys things and not following through, letting them down. They seem to enjoy their weekend with their dad, more so when their step mum is no there. They come home fine, but my youngest plays up for a few days until he settles back in at home.
Paperwork coming out of my ears - benefits etc due to starting work..
How do you manage to fit everything in and stay sane? I know i can do it but with so many things happening, how? I know i'm not helping myself by getting so worked up and tearful all the time, but i'm struggling to figure just any one thing out at the moment..
Just needed to talk, as i burden my poor parents with enough (too much! - another guilt trip i go on)..
Thanks for listening
x x
hi mm, i dont know if this will help, but i write a lsit of things to do then prioritise what i need to do everyday.
can u not get to work by bus etc? cycling for 3 miles seems too much but then again ive never cycled anywhere!!
maybe sit down and draw up/write up a bed time routine with your youngest? negotiate a bedtime for school nights and weekends, and if he can stick to it for a week he can decide on a treat? after a few weeks he might get into a better routine?
Good idea chocolate81, a contract/agreement might be just the thing.
Midgymoo, your 8 year old is just that..he is EIGHT. You are the parent and you are in charge. Yes, do use the technique that chocolate has suggested but remember that you are the boss so don't be too keen to placate and dont make the rewards too big, after all you are not asking him to do two hours of chores a night, you are expecting him to behave normally at bedtime!
I wonder if he feels a bit confused with the different set ups at his dad's and at yours? Setting out a clear and calm expectation will help. He may say "I don't have to do that at dad's house" and the answer is "That's up to your dad, these are the rules in MY house" Boys actually love boundaries, no matter how hard they kick against them. it is tempting when parenting alone to be their friend, but they need a parent.
Glad you enjoy your job. Yes there is some paperwork in the beginning but bite the bullet and do it and then it will be over with. I have a friend who hates money paperwork and she finds it scary and then she finally does it and says woah that took me 20 minutes and I have spent 6 weeks worrying about it.
As for your partner, can't tell you what to do there but I do remember that you have had a lot of guilty feelings towards him in the past and I wonder if that has been a major feature in your relationship?
Hey again
So things are plodding on as they say.. Not confused any more, more undecided. Its the partner thing again i'm afraid. I feel guilty, i think would be fair to say. This week, my boys have gone to their dads and though i did mention this to my partner a few weeks ago, hes forgotten. So, i never brought it up again and have told him that my boys and i have been pottering about at home and out and about. I told him last night on the phone that my boys are going to their dads today until Saturday morning and that i will be sleeping at my parents Friday evening. Whereas actually, my boys went tuesday morning and i'll be at home friday evening ready to go collect them on saturday morning. So, i'm lying. I don't like myself for this, but the alternative to me saying i want some time to myself is him calling and texting me, telling me how lonely he is, how bored he is, that i should have told hom sooner that my boys were at their dads, why don't i come to his and why don't i want to see him, along with the 101 questions on what i would be doing on my own... got 101 questions as usual when i chose to go out for a night with my friend on what was meant to be our weekend without our children. But thing is he was going out with his mates. He expected me to be staying in at his, waiting for him and i said no, hence the questioning. He then askedd if i could leave my friend in town, pick him and his mate up from the station, drop them home and then resume my evening with my friend stating, when i said no, that he would have done the same for me and that i'm being unfair! Sorry, i strayed away from the origional part of the message..
So anyway, i feel guilty for not saying what i'm really doing this week - spending time alone, childfree and partner free for a few days, which i have craved since i moved out nearly a year ago.
Also, i must confess, the last weekend we spent together, i really didn't want to be there. We were going to be heading to a local show, until he said the £10 entry fee (per person) would be too expensive - hes just repainted his lounge, taken his eldest daughter and 2 of her friends to alton towers and going to lords with his dad this week, a little more than a tenner spent there i think - and i was going to pay anyway. So we ended up going to antique shops and for a walk, which was ok, until after the 4th antique shop... Aside from that, the evening was spent with him flicking through the t.v. channels and then wanting to 'make love'. I didn't want to, i didn't feel any attachment, but i did it, and yes, i know i could have said no.. But when no rings in his ears, i'm taken on the guilt trip - i don't see you all week, and so on. Then weds eve arrives, he comes round every weds eve without fail, plays/annoys/ignores the boys depending on how tired he is, eats tea that i cooked, watches t.v. flicking the channels and heads early to bed. In the morning he waits for his morning cuppa, eats his toast and goes back home. Well anyway, the weekend after thsi weds i was going camping. He said, i'm not gonna see you for another week or get any for at least a week and a half, i left it at that, made no comment and kept my eyes on the telly. We went to bed and he was all over me, guilt seeps from me again, i feel bad, i feel sorry, so i let him and then he goes off to sleep. It all felt so mechanical, i switched off. I know that sounds bad, i know i have a choice in the matter.
Now i'm not sure if i'm sustaining this relationship for him or i? I like his company, just not as often as he likes mine. I feel like i want to kiss him sometimes and i do, but thats it, theres no connection anymore on my part. I keep thinking, what if i was no longer with him - i'd feel sad, i'd feel guilty for letting his children down because i've upset/hurt their dad, my oldest boy likes him, my youngest loathes him more guilt? i'd feel free but terrible, doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. We are capable, i am capable of having a nice time with him, with no children around, away from home. When at home though, everything is the way he wants it, he does everything he wants and expects me to fit in. When children are about, my youngest is left out, my partner shares no interests with him, he is quick to lose his temper with him and place fault/blame his way. We have to do everything together, he has no space or time for accomodating their differing needs unless it meets with his own.
And as for long term, no i don't want engagement or marriage whereas i think he still does. I don't want to move back in when the children are all grown up and flown the nest. But i'm getting so good at what i don't want. I just don't know what i DO want..
Whats good then, i don't know, maybe thats because i focus so much on what isn't good? I've just lost track of whats good or what was.
Anyways, thanks for listening (again 
) x
Well done midgymoo and a round of applause for your dad
You are NOT a baddie. Kids always cling to what they are used to, you are not taking them to live on a Siberian iceberg, you are just moving out, that is ALL. And you have the right to do what is best for you. As for your partner, you have spent years fitting in with his wishes and now it is time to focus on yourself