Blended life with partner

I prefer others to be blunt and straight to the point J I’ll be honest, it does get my back up a little to start with as I feel like I’m being told off so to speak, but after that, it sure does make me think about things and consider what has been said. So, not offended in anyway, and thank you for being honest..

Its true, he doesn’t make me happy, I know I am in charge of my own happiness and I don’t feel it with him anymore, it feels more like a process I am following so as not to hurt anyone, yet the one person I am hurting most is myself.

He has a controlling nature, that’s how he is. I can’t change that and he can’t, as he doesn’t see what I see. Yes. Lying to save myself from feeling his wrath. His temperament/personality has become so predictable. I never noticed it in the early years, why? because of wearing rose tinted glasses, whilst going through a divorce etc.. Had I been the person I am now, I think I would have been long gone.

I’m not getting anything out of the relationship.. Initially in the first few years, I was wrapped up in the fun of dating, of still being attractive to the opposite sex even though I had two young children, it was exciting. It was filling a void perhaps. I now know more about myself, about my past (in terms of me as a person and my relationships). But now, no, there isn’t much in it for me, I feel I’m just mothering him and meeting all his needs, whilst he grabs it with both hands, my resentment has built. I have tried hard, to find a way for this relationship to work, for us both. I have talked, I have listened, but I still feel at the same point I was 2 or 3 years ago.

My boys have been through plenty, and they still watch me cry frequently in despair at my lack of courage to call it a day.

I’m not comfortable with my partner being around both my boys and I, I feel scrutinised, I feel inferior, and always have done for as long as I can remember. I’m not entirely comfortable being around him and all the children together as I feel I am always protecting my youngest son from being blamed, left out or ignored and watching my eldest son being idolised. It hurts to watch, they are both my children and both deserved to be acknowledged equally however different they are from one another. The only time it feels ok is when I am away from home with him for a few days, where I can almost, but not quite, just be me. My partner notices the change, mentions it even and I tell him why it is, only for it all to dissolve into a mere distant memory for him upon our return to normal surroundings. I feel at my best when its just my boys and I, no big kid to pamper for, wanting far more attention than I can (or wish) to give.

So, No. Its not really a loving relationship, its hit stalemate and I’m fully aware of it, I’ve tried all I feel I can try and I’ve run out of steam. I know there’s no future in it but my mind plays to takes on this, the one where I can see what I really want – the dream, and the one which I know as reality. I guess at this moment in time its easier, less painful to play on the dream than to tackle the reality. Though saying that, this time last year I was in a similar position to this with regards to moving out, and I moved out.. So I know my decision is near, I know what it is I really want and what I know I need to do for my own sake, just as before. I just need to take that step and do it.

I have thought talking to him about taking a break, a trial separation (I know that sounds silly as we live apart) – no phone calls, no visits for a week or two. I feel the need to know what it feels like, to know if I really miss him or not. I haven’t seen him now for nearly a week, though we have spoken over the phone, and I don’t physically miss him. And I have felt annoyed when he said I’ve no time for him and that he’s missed me and that I should make the effort to see him. I see what he’s doing, that guilt trip thing, that control thing. That’s the hardest bit to break out of…

Have garbled on enough, out my system and food for thought on my part. Thanks again for listening and your support x

Many thanks, for your support, much appreciated

This weekend just gone, we (my boys and i) went to my partners for a bbq. I brought along some food, and proceeded to go along with the goings on of the afternoon. As soon as we arrived though, my eldests attitude changed completely. He was playing really nicely with his brother prior to arriving, and then as soon as we stepped through the door, he was telling his brother to get lost and that only the others could play with his toys. I did take him to one side to have a quiet word to try to establish his feelings and sudden change. Things did calm down afterwards, thankfully, until another episode later on.. When we all sat down to eat, i sat next to my partner for a natter. We exchanged our goings on of the earlier part of the day, where we'd been and what we'd been up to etc. I then mentioned that over the coming weekends, my boys have various events on and that i will be changing weekends about with their dad. Told him that next weekend was one of those. And said that seeing as their dad won't take them to their events when they are with him, then its best they are with me those weekends. My partner came out with 'oh right, so when are we actually going to get a weekend with us, just us, alone again?' I felt cross at the comment, i felt hurt, i ignored it and carried on chatting, but he began giving one or no word answers (nods and shakes) and pretty much ignoring me or talking to the children. I did at that point think, well whatever, its what i'm doing and if you don't like it tough, you have a choice. Later on he commented on coming over during the week - his weds eve visit - saying 'am i coming over on weds eve?' I said it was up to him, that my parents will be round as they are helping me out with a hospital appt for test for my youngest. He answer was, 'oh, we it'll be a bit crowded, sure you want me there' i said it was up to him and proceeded to say goodbye. Before i left, he said, 'so i'll see you weds if i'm not in the way, if you have time for me', i blanked it and went off home. He'd also had a dig at me for not giving my boys a bath in the morning, saying he'd got his lot showered in the morn so we could spend longer together in the eve... Whatever...

I was talking to my dad about it today. He said, that he knows i am alot stronger, more assertive and not afraid to stand up for myself. But he said i still have that little voice in my head saying, 'its not nice to hurt people, i don't like it when others get hurt'. He also said that these people that i don't wish to hurt, constantly hurt me. This is true..

I used to find it dificult to be assertive many a years ago, but not so much now. But with my partner, hes so controlling and he can change from pleasant to angry and not nice angry at the flick of a switch. So i find it difficult if you see when i mean. Does that make sense?

I have explained to him many a time how i feel, it registers and then all is forgotten within a week or two and returns to how it always was/is. If i say what is on my mind, i'm afraid of his response i guess, it could be tears, it could be anger neither is very pleasant.

I am now on the phone to him as i type and he is on about about having a blood test, for a rare disease, and it is only cured by lots of attention, kisses etc by a girl called midgemoo

Him and his feelings are not more important than me and mine... I'm starting to put me and my boys before him and he really doesn't like it, just as on the phone now, he has gone quiet because i have said i have my boys this weekend instead of their dad. He gone off into a strop..

Oh this is so silly... why can't i just jack it all in, and call it a day now, its pat its sell by date.. x x

Hi. I'll apologise first because i have been doing lots of thinking, prompted by messaging on here. So sorry, but this is long

 

When we first got together:

 

New, fun, etc… Clubbing, dinners out, dinners at home

 

Round one another’s – he controlled t.v. we watched what he wanted, had sex, went to bed (became the same each week, predicable however much I tried to shake it up)

 

Our weekends – no children – went out, walking, meal out, movie at home or cinema

 

Things were fun. But then once he’d grasped what I did with my time, what I liked etc, he seemed to take control of it (I know that sounds strange, but it didn’t feel like my own life anymore). The fun went out of it all. No choice. I wanted to move in to my own place in the town he lived (where I now live), he wouldn’t move, he said he had everything how he wanted it so he didn’t want to move. Anyway, ended up moving in together in the house he brought (we did look at houses together and chose in a weekend, bit quick!, but his choice). I ignored my instinct and moved in with him leaving my family, friends and life behind in my home town.

 

It was fun at first, again new. But I was also very unsure and not comfortable but also now had nowhere to go should it not be what I wanted so I tried my best and kept working at it. It was like hitting a brick wall, suddenly I’m ‘mum’ to 5 children once a week and every other weekend, wow! He lived his way, did his thing, I was trying to make a new life for myself among being mum to 5, mum to 2 the rest of the time, finding a job, making new friends and so on. STRESS… He wasn’t at all supportive however much I spoke to him about my feelings. His attitude was, never mind you’ll get used to it.

 

Cracks began to show within a year of living together, I became depressed about it. We disagreed on behaviour management and raising children. He ran me down and tried to take over the parenting role of my children at which I fought strongly back t, like I was protecting them.

 

As for finances, he looked after the house bills and his own money. I kept an eye on mine. I earnt my own money to pay for me and my boys and the shopping, I looked after the house and I cooked for everyone. He always went on at me about money, how I should cut back and save more, pay more towards the house and how it was unfair that he had to pay all the bills. Angry, yes I was, I paid my way and for my boys and I asked for nothing. He complained that frequently that he was there just to provide a roof over our heads.

 

As for my boys, he always has and always will see my youngest as a problem child and my oldest as a gem.. I say no more on that one. I was always told I should be much firmer and stricter with them and he used to try to take over and belittle me in front of them on the behaviour front.

 

So back to now. We want different things, we don’t rub along together, we collide. He is very set in his ways, traditionalistic one might say, man of the house and I’m just the little lady. He wants things to be his way or no way. I always used to be quite a free spirit, happy go lucky (prior to finding men and relationships) and I feel and felt trapped by my ex boyfriend, my ex husband and my partner. I’ve always conformed to what they want. Whenever I felt trapped and attempted to ‘free’ myself, be myself, and go off and do my thing, I was and am always seen as selfish to their needs. I and still do (though I’m realising it now), felt guilty for my actions when they had a paddy about it and I would then step back and quit to pamper their needs.

 

I think its taken until now to fully realise this. I’ve always pampered to my ‘mans’ needs. Maybe out of fear of not being liked? Maybe because I wanted praise, recognition etc from my ‘man’  - my parents and grandparents encouraged, praised, supported me – I sought that in my choice of man. But I chose men that don’t like me to be ahead of them so to speak. It means they lose control? Now I realise I don’t actually need their praise etc as it comes from within.

 

I am my own person, an adult, a woman in my own right. I am stronger than I ever used to be, confident, and bubbly, I don’t like to be held back and I have changed.. A lot. If I want to do things that I want to do, then I can. I know I have responsibilities and limits (money etc), but I do carefully take all this into consideration. These men get to do all they want, I no longer want to stand behind and let them walk over me guess that’s why I’m in the position I am now – deciding to stay or go? But see, to not do something just because it is out of my partners comfort zone and isn’t within his wishes, that’s no fun.

 

With my partner, I see no future, if I don’t want to live together again, and want my own house and to do my own things and if hes not prepared to make any compromise or accept who I am, to negotiate or anything, then whats left for us? Why am I with him?

 

If we part, what will I miss? Miss him? Miss physical contact? (strange one that. I’ve not shared the same bed with him for a few weeks, only I really want him?? But that’s because I want and need to meet one of my own needs, not because its what he wants or part of his ‘routine’). If we are not together, he will be alone and sad and unhappy, pottering about the house by himself, not knowing what to do with his weekends and evenings. He’ll literally be all alone apart from when his children visit him. Time with my friends will increase as I won’t feel under obligation to be spending time with him. Will I miss his children?? I don’t really see them anyway. My worry is though, if I split with their dad, they will feel hurt. They have watched their dad go through it before with his divorce when they were 5, 9 and 11 respectively. Though the oldest has his own on off relationship and my understand, will the girls?? Whether I’m with him or not, I feel maternal towards him, like I shouldn’t leave as he will suffer.

 

There’s been nice things throughout the relationship. I appreciate the meals out, the days out, the holidays etc. I didn’t always leave him to pay for everything, I helped here and there. The holidays were ok, but had to be to a place where he hadn’t yet been and he would plan most of it. If I wanted to do anything he’d sulk, so we mostly did what he wanted. We have laughed and had fun, but his control streak is too much for me..

x x

Hi

I'll be honest, its slowly becoming clearer as to what i want to do, i think more so after yesterday evening when my partner was sulking. My parents had been round helping with a hospital appt with my youngest, their support was much appreciated. They stayed for tea and my partner also joined us. Once my parents had gone home and we had retired to bed he asked: Am i in your way? Am i a chore? Do you want me here?  - now, at 11pm in the evening i felt this is not a time discuss or to be answering these questions with honesty. I appreciate this is maybe shallow. He then asked when we would be likely to spend a weekend alone together again so we can go out etc.. I explained that i will continue to swop weekends about with my ex husband as i am not going to let them down like their dad consistanly does, so i will take them to their footy tournaments, birthday parties etc.. He continued by saying that it is nice to spend time with all the children on one weekend, but that us both having our own children each weekend is not good. Its not normal...?? Well 2.4 children is normal so why isn't having children each weekend normal?

So, i think back to the early years of our relationship where his ex wife would frequently dump his children on him, on us and though i wasn't comfortable with it, i chose to accept it and find a way to work with or around it. This went on for a good 4 years of our relationship. Why can he not do the same for me?

Back to whether it is any clearer as to what i want? Its not resembling mud anymore, lets put it that way. I have given alot and given up alot, compromised alot, attempted to negotiate and to find a way to work together. Yes, granted, he has tried for a week or two here and there before resorting to his comfort zone, but has utimately wanted everything his way. I think me moving out was a huge shock as its the first time i stood my ground.

What is clear, is that i have changed because i wanted to, i like myself more for it, i am more comfortable with myself. I have also realised theres a whole lot more to the life i want for my boys and i and that i don't wish to hold back any longer. I realise he will always be the way he is because i guess he is comfortable with that, he knows what he wants and wants it his way, but i don't want the same as him anymore, even though once upon a time i thought i did.

Time will tell, i am responsible for making my own happiness, and my life is moving on. I think i now feel comfortable enough (after messaging so much and reading everyones replies) for the decision to come of its own accord

Thanks again x x

Hi... Still thinking... All i seem to do is think, one thing, then another all conflicting one another... crazy..

Anyways, i find myself last night and this morning thinking (yes again!), imagining its all over.. Part of me feels elated, excited, the other part, well thats the guilt part. Its like having those two little voices coming from over either shoulder. I keep thinking i will miss him, where as in fact i hardly see him now and am dragging myself to see him when i do and wishing he wasn't here when he is here with me, does that make sense? So in terms of missing him, i think i'll be missing something, but not him?? It will leave a gap.

Ok, so next i'm thinking, guiltily again i hasten to add, what about my boys, my youngest may not be too worried but will struggle with the change. My oldest may not be too happy even though he seems to understand i feel unhappy. He will prob be cross that he won't see my partners children anymore. Then there's my partners dad, his brother, his friends. Ok, so thinking straight here, i'm blowing things out of context. I guess i a) don't want to hurt anyone, b) don't want to be hated because i hurt people, i think perhaps thats what is bothering me the most.

I'm then sitting thinking, will i miss our time together? (we rarely do anything or go anywhere these days unless its what he wants to do) will i miss sex? (i keep trying to avoid it and have so far been successful. But is it me, am i avoiding it because i don't want it, am i not trying hard enough to enjoy it???) will i miss spending time together with all our children? (if i'm honest i've rarely enjoyed it, and i know that sounds so cruel).

So on it goes.. what do i want from him? just for him to be there for me as i have been for him, an emotional connection, to be heard and listened to. Am i going to get this? I guess if its not happened in the last 5 years even through trying and even if theres only been fleeting moments of what i wished for, then the answer is no.

How do i want things to be? As i mentioned in my last post, about my parents marriage, thats how i wish it to be similar to. On equal footing..

What would have to change? I'm lost on this one, probably because i've exhusted everything. I've tried to accept him for who he is, but i end up feeling so frustrated and miserable, and trapped. I've not tried to change him, though i have changed.

Could i try anything else? Anything? Could i compromise or change in anyway?

Ok, so i'm afraid.. afraid of being alone? starting again? i dont really know.

On the flipside though, in my thinkings (the dreaded thinkings!), i thought about life without my partner.. Being able to arrange my boys visits to their dads on whatever weekend i/they wished or needed, seeing more of my friends, having friends round, going out and not being afraid i'm stepping on my partners 'time with me' and his needs. My youngest would probably settle. i could relax more on the days my boys are with their dad, just chill and not be worrying about being at my partners or with my partner by a certain time. My parents can come round and i won't have to worry that my partner is cross that they are here. I can go on a girly holiday or weekend away without being judged.

So a thoughtful night and thoughtful day for me. Strange how one minute everything seems crystal clear and then its like mud the next. Maybe its that guilt thing?

Thanks for listening x x

Its long, i'm sorry...

Put thinking aside and opted for talking on Wednesday. Went to see a hypnoanalysist - have been seeing her for quite a while now on and off, for a good 3 months the first time round. She helped me to become who i am today, helped me to shift 'my emtional baggage' and to grow stonger.

Anyway i saw her the last time i was in a right pickle with my thoughts - when i was contemplating moving out last year. I spoke this time of things i have spoken about on here with you all (thank you ). Shes helped to remind me of my personality and traits. I am naturally a carer. I have a caring attitude. This can be a good thing but can hinder too. As a carer, i naturally assume responsibility for how everyone is feeling and how they will feel. I assume blame and fault - 'its all my fault, what have i done, how can i make it all better'. I am also a brooder, so i think lots and make decisions (eventually!) with difficultly. I am also very determined, so try hard, very hard at whatever i do and rarely give up.

So as you guys have kindly reminded me, i am NOT responsible for how he feels, and it is not all my fault - it takes two to tango... Thinking lots and doing little is not very productive either. And however hard i keep trying, i can't change someone else.

I then went to see a homeopath (been seeing her with my boys for a while too, with our ailments). Alot of my physical symptoms are down to stress and the most stress i am experiencing at the moment stems from the indecision of my relationship with my partner. She asked me why i am still hanging on..

As i explained to both, it feels more comfortable to hold on to what you know than to experience the pain that may follow in the future if i end it.

I mentioned that he has asked me to go on holiday with him and told them both about my partner being cross (and me being angry) when he said i don't ever compromise. They asked, if it was someone else, would you compromise - i said yes.

Back to the hypno counselling session. As we talked on it came to the point for conculsion of the session. She asked me, 'so what do you want to do? Have you decided on anything?' I answered 'I don't want to go on holiday for a full week with him and i want to go when i am free to do so (when my boys are at their dads and not a day before). I would be happy to go away for a few days with my partner and then have some time to myself for the remainder of the week. I want to plan my weekends with my boys and go about doing it and would compromise an evening out when i am child free'. So hypno lady asked if this was about taking back some control in the relationship and creating a win win situation. To which i replied yes. If this works (and i did tell her i doubt it would) then maybe we can work this out and reach mutual agreement instead of one sided control in the relaionship. Why do i doubt? Because of his personality, but you never know until you have tried it (yes, trying again ). And the session ended..

In the afternoon, my homeopath appt broched the subject of my relationship again, so i talked about what i had decided when i saw my hypno lady. She asked, why compromise on the holiday if you don't really want to go. I said it was pretty selfish of me really, i want to go because my partner and i generally have a good time. I can cope with his paddies and tantrums, i can cope with his annoying and at times childish habits, i can cope with his planning and cotrolling, but only for no more than a 4 or 5 day stretch, then i want be alone. She asked me what it was about a holiday made it all so different... Its being somewhere other than our home town with no responsibilities in sight, no cooking meals, no children to parent, just us and we function well together. Then reality rears its ugly head upon our return and i again feel the stress and resentment building again. She said, if its the holiday you like, why don't you go away alone or with a friend, whats the difference? To which i answered, your right. She asked if i see a future, i said no, i have plans of my own. The conversation continued... He wants us to move back in together when the kids fly the nest... I don't. Homeopath lady said - thats 10 years away? Are you going to carry on that long, then tell him?

Then something she said seemed to strike a cord (yep another one) 'When you first got together you were vulnerable, you both were, you had not long had a second child and a separation with impending divorce, he was on the same route with an impending divorce being not long separated from his wife. You were both in the same boat. You helped him through his rough times and helped to restore his self esteem and confidence by doing so and by caring for and about him and his children so they could all get through it. He raised your self esteem and confidence because you thought you were 'washed up' before you met him, you needed a boost and his filled the job, at that time.. You were wrapped up in helping him and dealing with your own pain that maybe you were blind to anything else, his behaviour etc and it wasn't until things settled down and you moved in together that perhaps the rose tinted glasses fell off'

I took over from here..

'I began to feel down, but my personality (as above) allowed me to think that it was all my fault and that if it was my fault then i am the one who is to make it all better. All that thinking and brooding led me to not particularly like myself, plus i hadn't really dealt with any of my past issues surrounding my separation/divorce. I then sought counselling, hypnoanalysis etc to try to rediscover me. And BAM, 3 or 4 years dowwn the line, i had rediscovered me'

Homeopathay lady finished it all off..

'So who you were then, is not who you are now, you have changed because you wanted to, but your partner has not taken that journey for himself or with you and now though you may still love him, the differences are more aparent and he no longer fits you'

Wow... what alot to take in in one day. Last night my partner came round, i was quiet, i was distant, i didn't mean to be. Though he mentioned nothing, he knows something isn't quite right. Last night my youngest was on about having his party at my partners next year because his house is bigger, my oldest was on about my partner coming to the 'dads' football match at school next year. On t.v the stand up comedians were all on about singledom and relationship break ups... a mind blowing kind of day.

This morning my partner left, he asked what i was doing Saturday evening, as that is when he is free after running his children about the place and he asked what was happening Sunday, am i coming with the boys to watch his daughter run. I reeled off the weekend and his face dropped, i hadn't said he couldn't join us its his choice after all and i said i'd be coming to watch his daughter run.

I think he is aware of something, and yes the honest thing for me to do would be to tell him i am seriously considering ending the relationship. Yes. Its going to hurt for all concerned and we will all get over it. My homeopath lady is right (as are all of you who have so kindly supported me), if i see no future, if i don't wish to move back in, if the emotional connection has gone therefore leading to a physical connection ceasing to exist, then what is left? Though i love him and care about him and always will, it isn't fair on him, I or anyone elase concerned to keep hanging on, just in case i might make the wrong decsion. Everything points (i did a 'for breaking up' and an against) towards this not being right any longer, even in my head then i can't allow my heart to keep ruling and holding everyone back fom moving on...

Its going to hurt like hell when it finally happens, but i'll get there..

x x

Hi..

Sorry, its me again.. Same old thing i'm afraid.. Still not summonded the courage to end it.

A few weeks back, i lost it completely, i honestly did feel like i was slipping back into my days of mild depression, it wasn't pleasant. I cried, alot, i snapped at my boys, i was down right miserable to be very honest and not very pleasant to be around. I felt like i had completely lost control of everything and i couldn't think straight on anything. I started to perk up a little at the start of last week and i'm kind of ok again now.

I now know for sure that i want this to end. But how does one end things when its all in a bit of a pickle and my partner is a control freak?

Prior to my 'depressing week', my partner had had a pop at me about not spending time with him, failing to compromise etc and treating him like sh*t. By the end of the telephone conversation i found myself feeling guilty, guilty because i have be a bit abupt with him, i have been avoiding him and have been doing things without him etc. I felt like i had been told off. But the difference this time although i felt this way, i was also aware that i had been manipulated and i felt it plain and simple and i realised how may times before this has happened. At the end of the call he was on about us holidaying, how my day had been, do i still love him (i did pause extremely long before answering this one because by this point the answer was 'no', however i said yes. And the conversation ended with him declaring his love for me.

I made the effort this weekend to spend some time with him, because i had taken in what he said about me not compromising etc (as above). And... He went off to play golf with his mate on 'our' weekend together. I felt angry because he had had the cheek to go on at me about not having couple time and then he runs off with his mate for the day on 'our' weekend. He went out of his way on the evening before, made us a meal, bought me some magazines coz he knows how much i like them, bought me some non alcoholic drink, bought me some of my gluten free bread and some hummous. Since i moved out last year, he has never done this, though he has cooked for us before.

The afternoon after his golf, he planned for us to meet up at a local fete. The evening we went out with his mate and partner for a meal and a movie. I felt in a daze all evening, willing myself to be interested and to make conversation, i stuggled to motivate myself, but managed, just. That eve in bed, i may as well have been a lady of the night coz thats how i felt. I had sex because he wanted it, his needs were met, its all he wanted, its all the nice things were for. Good old England i thought, i'm stupid i know, very...

The last day of 'our' weekend, my boys came home early from their dads :-) So my boys, i, my parents and my partner went for a day out with a load of my sons friends and their parents for an end of season (footy) BBQ and games etc. It was great, i spent it talking to my friends, my parents and playing with my boys/the other children.

The other thing that seems to have rocked the boat is that one of the guys at the garage who sservice my car for me, asked me out for a drink (i've known him for a while and we've always nattered away here and there on my visits). I said that would be nice and i'd love to sometime. I came away thinking 'cool' but hen got to the point of, what am i thinking, i have a partner i can't do this. But the thing is i would like to go for a drink. the first few days after him asking i was like 'what if?', but now i'm like, too much hassle, i need some time just me with friends etc, but if hes a decent guy and likes me then one day maybe, but also maybe not. See, i'm crazy thinking this way??

One last thing is that my youngest son 'hates him, hates him so much' (his words) and 'wishes we would break apart'. My oldest said he knows why i am upset, its because i'm not sure what i want to do, is that right mummy?

My dad said 'I know its alright for us outsiders to see its simply a case of breaking up, but i appreciate that its difficult as theres alot of feelings and emotions involved. I know it will hurt, but consider how much its hurting now, all you are doing is extending the hurt regardless of whatever descion you make'

Like i said, I now know for sure that i want this to end. But how does one end things when its all in a bit of a pickle and my partner is a control freak? How does one end it when i feel torn apart inside? Maybe i've begun the grieving process, maybe thats what my bad week was all about? I care about him, i'll always love him but its just not working for my boys and i.

Sorry its covering the same old ground, but thanks as always for listening

x x

My Partner has booked the holiday, he told me today, he booked it a few days back, my face dropped and i went quiet when he told me. He knows. He asked if something was wrong and i said that everything was wrong at the moment. He said 'you know whatever it is, you can talk to me, you can tell me. I love you and we've been through alot together. Do you want to talk now?' I couldn't do anything except for nod or shake my head and i couldn't look him in the eye or speak to his face for the rest of the eve. When i left to go home with my boys, he said 'Shall we go out on sunday? If you like as i won't see u weds eve, i'll come to yours on fri eve and cook a meal for us and stay over if you like, then i'll leave to meet my mates on saturday for our day out, your call' i said 'maybe, i don't know'. He then calmly said 'you don't know what you want right now do you?' i replied 'No'. He held back his tears as i left, i could see he wanted to cry. He knows. I feel like i'm preparing him, just like i did when i was moving out. I feel so mean and i feel awful. When i got home, i cried, lots, and my lil one went off in a hissy fit, hes not sure how to cope with things really so a hissy fit is his answer, so i left him to calm down. My oldest, came to comfort me bless him and asked what was wrong. I told him that i'm trying to decide what to do with regards to my partner which would mean the best outcome for us. He asked if i mean no more boyfriend and girlfriend. Then he added, 'is it ok if i can be sad too, will i see him and his children again? will he still be your friend' i said that would be nice, but i'm not sure. I told him that i don't want to keep feeling unhappy, miserable and sad and snappy at my boys. He said, i tell you what mummy, from tomorrow lets be a happy mummy and have happy times. Tears streamed down my face. Just before he went to sleep he said, try to feel the happy feelings mummy, not the sad ones.. I told my youngest once he'd calmed down and he said hes fed up with my partner and his dad too and that he sorry for saying he hated me but that he does hate me in a nice way sometimes. I hugged him and told him i love him.

First step taken, and it took me by surprise i didn't think i'd divulge anything through body language or talking, but i did.

Feel rubbish, but know now i am heading in the right direction and doing the right thing for my boys and i x x

i feel like utter rubbish. i feel awful, mean, nasty, thw worst.

He rang up this eve and asked me again, what the matter was. So i told him...

'We shared some happy times together, but something is not  working between us and i need to move on. I know this is painful, i appreciate that. Its hard for me to say it, but i've thought about this long and hard. I'm not telling you this so that you will change, or do things differently. I am telling you this because i feel that this is the end of the road for us. I have changed, i have grown apart. Its unfair of me to just string it along pretending everything is ok when i no longer feel the same about us. We have shared a great deal of joy with you, but now its time to move on'

And then i let him speak. As he spoke i felt awful...

My stomach is playing up. I've done everything i can for you. I've put you on a pedalstool, i've idolised you. I've tried hard, i changed for you. Your boys love me. My girls love you, they'll miss you. i'll miss the boys. I really tried hard to be a father figure to your boys, i know it didn't work, but i tried so hard.

Then...

Who've you been talking to, everyone i expect. Bet your dad knows, he probably said thank goodness for that you got rid of him at last. Can i ask you a question, are you seeing someone else?, when are you going to start dating again, its alright for you you'll prob find someone else just like that, how do you think it'll fee for me seeing you with another man? At least your ex can have a good laugh. I just booked a hotel for £350, what am i going to do about that, and i've booked you a restuarant for your birthday. Maybe we could go away as friends for a few days, can we still go out for your birthday?

Then...

My kids are on holiday for a week next wednesday, i'll be all on my own. I've got nobody now, nothing, i'm all alone. I wish i was dead, i wish i died on the operating table when they took my appendix out. This house reminds me of you everywhere i look, what am i going to do now? All i wanted to do was to move in and be a family together, its all i ever wanted. I just wanted to be loved. I'm besotted with you, i love you so much, i'll never love anyone else as much as i love you. Why can't we just try again?

What about when we went to bath for that week, (the week before i moved out) it was a lovely week, we had a great time (my emotions were all over the place due to my moving out as soon as we were to arrive back home). I still have your test messages from that week away, you telling me how much you love me and are in love with me etc. That was only a year ago, how can things changes that much in a year? How can you change in a year from that to this? When you moved out, you said this was to make things better, that it would help, that we could be like we were before. Was that your plan? to move out and let me down gently before finishing it off? It was your plan wasn't it?

Finally...

So i'll see you tomorrow then (i'm going to drop my key to him and his key to me sort of thing). Why don't i cook us dinner? I just want to see your eyes. Does this mean i'm never going to make love to you again? We made love the other weekend, didn't that mean anything to you, don't you feel anything? Oh, i love you so much. I better go to bed not that i'm going to get much sleep tonight. Can i just come and see you now (nearly midnight), i want to cuddle you and kiss you. Does this mean i'll never see you again or speak to you again. Is that it, are you just going to cut me out of your life.

Then he told me he loved me and said goodbye before hanging up...

I stayed calm throughout, i didn't raise my voice or argue at all. I simply remained calm, listened to all he had to say and answered calmly to his questions.

When i came off the phone, i cried, but i cried because all that he said hurt so much.

I feel terrible, i was tempted to make it all better, to give in on one occasion, but i held off and stood my ground and didn't give in.

So why do i feel like i've just ruined his life? Why do i feel like the worst person?

I'm going round tomorrow as i said, but i will have a chance to talk with my hypnotherapist/counsellor tomorrow afternoon and i won't give in or back down when i come face to face with him. It will be goodbye. Friends one day once things have settled and calmed down. But goodbye.

Oh my gosh, this hurts so much, tears have just come from nowhere now. Slow songs on radio, thoughts of the good times, thoughts of the nice cuddley loving times. All the nice stuff has come flooding back.

I really did love him, i still love him but i know he is not right for my boys and i. I am forgetting to not so nice times at this moment in time i guess, and its hiding all the disappointment.

I hurt him, and its hurting me

I'm now off to see him. At least my parents are here when i come back home, they are looking after my boys whilst i pop out.

I just need to remember that i am not responsible for the way he feels, he is choosing to feel this way and understandably too as i have just sprung this on him out of nowhere (on his part anyway).

I know i have been thinking of the nice times, but i have been thinking of the not so nice ones to and the constant unhappiness.

I have changed and i have grown up and i am honest enough to say with confidence that we no longer fit together. I know what i want, i want something like my parents have and i'll never find it by staying with him.

x x

Thank you :-)

I am (strangely) feeling good this morning and i felt ok last night when i got back home too??

I was round my (ex) partners for near on 2 hours in the end last night. I got through the door and he offered me a drink to which i said no thanks and then we sat down. At which point he burst into tears, and i wasn't too sure where to look, but i sat patiently and waited for him to talk. He apologised for crying and then cried some more. He cried the majority of the time, which was understandable and what i had expected.

He came out with pretty much what he had said over the phone. I sat and just listened to him and answered his questions when asked. He asked me when i was going to start dating again (i said that that is my business and my choice), to which he said 'do you realise how hard it is going to be for me to see you with another guy. He asked me Why i have changed, and what has changed (i said i have grown up and learnt alot about myself and am therefore different to how i was 4 or 5 years ago and with that my perspective of the future has changed), to which he said 'oh so you mean i'm childish and haven't grown up. He asked What did i do wrong (i said that these are things that have been talked about many a time over the years, its not the fault of anyone, its just that the dynamics have changed, there may be things that both of us have said or done that have hurt the other) to which he said, i don't feel that i have been anything other than kind, supportive and have loved you but i'm sorry if i have hurt you. He then added that he wishes i was butt ugly, fat and spotty so that it would be easier for him to accept??

He then went on about getting drunk, wishing he was dead, that hes never loved anyone before and that i am the first person he has really loved at all. He said that he'll be all alone and that its alright for me coz i have my boys, my parents, my friends and that he has no one hes just all alone. (he has 3 kids, a dad who lives alone, collegues and friends at work and friends he goes out with/plays golf with). He said that though i have made a desicion in not wanting him to be together, he doesn't agree with it and it is the wrong desicion for me. He asked if we could go for a day out sometime just so he can see me again (i said not a good idea as it gives false hope and no closure - i said the same when he mentioned the holiday etc). He then asked when i'm going to get all my rubbish out of the house, the house that he had bought for us to live in as a family and grow old and grey. He said he got the house for me and was doing it up for me (hes turned my boys bedroom into his eldsest daughters room??).

He said that its ok for me, that i would find someone just like that but he wouldn't and doesn't want to find anyone because he wants me. He said i'd probably go sleep around now just coz i can (talk about low opinion of me!!), he said that even if i did that, or cheated on him or hurt him so badly then he would still take me back.

And so it went on and on, and i listened to it all responding only where needed and i felt totally calm and relaxed throughout. He asked for a hug and i gave him a hug.

He went on a bit more, running himself into the ground with self critism ( i used to do that to myself once upon a time and at this point i felt sorry for him coz only he can change that). I got my shoes on to leave and said i would be back Sunday to collect my things from within the house (few of boys toys, some framed pictures and some filing). He said it would be nice if we could go out for the day too, i said no thanks, false hope, no help in moving on that way (said he didn't care coz he doesn't want to move on anyway).

So i left to go home with the proviso i would be round on Sunday to find, sort and collect my things.

I know for him this was out of the blue - the end that is as he was under the impression we (or he) could talk it round and get back to 'normal'.

All through the conversation etc, i kept in my mind - i am not responsible for the way he feels and what he chooses to do is his choice not mine, its up to him - of course i care, but its not my responsibility.

So when i got home last night, i felt... Happy?? Free i guess a huge weight has been lifted, and i feel able and free to be myself after all this time. I spoke to my boys this morning and they seem ok. I said that they can ask anything they like or tell me whats on their mind and i'll listen/respond. He can't tell his kids as yet as they are on hols with their mum for a week, i'm not sure how they'll take it. I know they'll all miss one another. My boys asked if they could see his 3 again, i said that once the dust has settled then that may be apossiblity, but that i don't know when that will be. Its the same thing i said to my (ex) partner when he asked if we can be friends. I said now is not the right time and only time will tell as evrything that is so raw will need to settle first.

Thanks for listening (again)  x

Thanks

I think here and there of the nice times and whats left behind, and i think of him alone and feel sorry for him. But i realise this happens and i also remember the not so good times, manipulation, guilt trips and my constant unhappiness and tears of sheer exhausion from trying so hard and getting nowhere.

I went out this evning with the mums from school and i'm off out on Saturday eve with some friends from where i used to work.

I plan to live a little. I'm considering a singles holiday or a few days away when my boys go away on hol with their dad. My mum and i are going to book a spa day for sometime in August. I plan to catch up with my close friends from my home town. And most importantly i'm going to have fun with my boys. I'm sure i'll find lots more things to do as time goes on.

And as for any future men in my life, i'm more cautious and certainly more prepared  x x