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although im getting on with my life i have what he said to me and done in my head and would like to get over it, when i told him i was pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion i wouldnt, at 8 months he nearly run me over with his truck as i was pleading for him to stay, at hospital when in labour he shouted out ''now we just need to know who the father is?'' he took her to pub and told me i'm not allowed, so when i come i asked where she was and he said a couple was taking her for a drive and that i have to go home ring him from the landline then he will bring her back. we split up several times over the 6 years, he would make me feel sorry for him like when he was in hospital he sent me a picture, and one time said i he needed to see his baby and me before he dies, then he got worse started calling me names i was useless, ugly, slag etc i wouldnt have another man they would only want one thing etc, i felt like i couldnt do anything right as he would snap and i was walking on eggshells, he strangled me i called police but he told them i had strangled him and i was i drugs and drink (i was crying and histerical anyone would be if they was strangled) so they beleived him and i was arrested and locked up for the night. he is good at twisting everything. he got worse and he ended up saying that i had a fucked up face and it was only used to releive him. he told me that i could trust him i had no worries but it was all lies as he'd been with other women. he even admitted he says what i want to hear, he really mucked my head up and it still hurts a year on. i think hes evil, now he is fighting for custody of our child and using the system and even though every word is a lie i can't prove it so i could lose her. what have i done to desearve this living hell?
abt
thanks louise, i have started the freedom programme on this site and also been refered to it in my area, no i haven't spoken to a counsellor as if i had asked then the social and courts and him would say i'm emotionally unstable and therefore cant look after my child, i'm much stronger now but every now and then the thoughts upset me, and its not been easy as i need a solicitor that understands whats going on and that stands up for me as the ss wont listen and my solicitor dont understand. i have emailed the womens rights and i will ring womensaid on monday to see if i can have help, do you think i can have someone come to court with me? not sure if i can have my solicitor as my legal aid is running out and i dont have any money
Women's Aid do indeed sometimes accompany people to court. See what they say. In any case you can get a lot of support from Women's Aid and it will be great to do the Freedom Programme face to face as you will meet other women in the same situation
hiya angry we av chatted bfore on ere, how are u, was wonderin how u are, well ad victum support who was waitin for me for support, and this tym infeb wave is supporting me,wave run freedom program, u shud do it hun, ive dun it and plannin on doin it again, when are u due in courtxx and i am ere to chat, ia v contested hearin in feb,dreadin it, dont want see ex, hate himx
Hi abt, I was thinking that you might be interested in this brilliant article on Victim-Survivor-Thriver, it shows how our mental state changes as we recover and grow fromour experiences. I found it very useful to learn how I need to change my thought patterns.
Have you rung Womens Aid yet this morning? What did they say?
happened again he was supposed to have her until tuesday and take her to school, now he says she has nits and a tooth ache, why dont he just do her hair and take her to the doctors, he does it every time just bringing her back when it suits him cause hes probably got to go to work. so what would happen if he gets residence then? he will just continue bringing her to me when its unconvienient and blaiming me for it, hes prob told ss its my fault she has nits. i done her hair before she went but it needs doing again.
hi kiara
im ok but i just need this court hearing over, its not untill april anything could happen before then and i have run out of legal aid and money and i need someone on my side when i go, i come face to face every now and then because of contact with child, just look at him and imagine his face covered in s*** because thats what he's full of, i hate x as well i hate the air he breaths hes a f**** ba****d
hiya hun well no exactly how u feel, i hated my ex even more when i found out bot extent of his lies in court,he decieved me and my kids, hes evil,and hope he gets no contact in feb, i want my courtbhearin over with, i cant move on, til it is, when is ur hearin xx
oh april ur hearin, well i get legal aid, want job wait til hearin over with, ive paid solicter bfore not cheap,i av dun my statement, soliciter dun gud job with it,and its all truth,x
my mate cum court with me last tym, and victum support were there, and ad private room booked so didnt av see him,u can book room, and ring victum support, they wud meet u therex
thats good, well i am hoping its the final court hearing, its supposed to go on for 1 and half days, i'm petrified now i got that worry to look faward to, charming!! meanwhile i'm trying to get as much help as i can and if i know i can have someone on my side i will feel better as i'm up against ss and him and his solicitor. like last time i gathered evidence and statement wasnt even done so couldnt say my part. It's all wrong and he shouldn't be allowed to do what ever he likes, and hows all this in the best interest of my girl, shes being treated like a yoyo an item too and fro and all i'm trying to do is protect her and they won't let me. she addmitted to me the other day she loves me and wants to stay living with me but he and ss keep asking her and he telling her shes best with him, its ridiculas, even the guardian asked she said she wants to live with me then guardian said don't you want to live with daddy?
hi hun i no its all wrong,in my case its jsudges and cafcss can see for themselves wot type man my ex is, i didnt av to tell um,his criminal record says it all, think my ex thouight he wud sail thru court and get acess, it as back fired on him, i found everythin out bout him, and hsi double life proves wot liar he is, and a manipultive man, and cafcass said to me i av promise not let ex see my little girl cos if i do my other kdis are at risk adn im 1 step from care procedings, which as scared me, im glad i found everythi out otherwish how wud i really no wot he like,he assaulte dme abroad u c, there was trial but he never went, of course, they are lukin into tht, hes banned from teneriefe,thts where he put me in hospital, hes ahigh risk to me and my kids, cafacss av said tht, and hun way i luk at it is ive dun nothin wrong,hes one with violent past not me, ive dun everythin courts av asked he asnt, so ive nothin wori bout, i jst dont want see tht man again, how they all believe ur ex is byond me,xx
my hearing last a full day,its a contested hearing,i av stand up and say why dont want him to av contact with my little girl, she is 2,he asnt seen er for over a yr, im same hun,got hearin to luk forward to,charmin xx
Hopefully you will get some extra support abt before the hearing.
kiera
they can see that your x is violent but with mine it was emotional appart from when he strangled me but told police i'd done it to him so i was arrested, he twists everything, ss believe him he's very convincing then he texted me 'ha ha' he is having a laugh but i hope it backfires on him soon when he has alchol test, he has a past and hasnt seen his 3 other kids by his x marrage but ss wont question why and they say they cant find them!! joke.. they could if they tried. anyway its quite a complicated mess as all the lies and allegations have been said and the damage has been done
i'm going to another town tommorrow to speak to a womens right lady who hopefully can advise and get someone to help me in court, so see how that goes
take care
xx
hiya hun well my ex played alot mind games, and he ad doubnle life so very decietful to me and kids,well these men shud get awards fro their actin cos thts all it is hun, my ex very dangerouis and manipulitive, dont want him to see our little girl,his lifestyle wont change, head 5 months to do drug test he asnt, so we wil see,xx
but these people no how these men bhave aas well, how they lie, ss are involved with his kids and his girlfriend, no wonder, hope u get right infomation hun, x
Hi abt, how did it go with the womens rights lady?
hi angry how doid it go today did u spk to woman right lady ope ur okxx
hi kiara
Thanks for asking, yes went very well finally someone knows whats going on and i feel much better now got someone on my side!!! yip yip huraaah
she coming with me to a social meeting i got on thursday, its great having support and really helps by sharing on this website, it's like having a load of freinds and i really appreciate it, thanks for you support, lets hope it all works out for us
Think it will do and our stupid x's will suffer
must get some sleep i'm tired, until tommorrow take care and have a good rest night, night xx
Hi Anna, Thanks for info very interesting, yes i got on very well i rang womensaid and talked to lady who wants to meet up next week, she says she will defently help plus i talked to another lady who lives nearby and shes coming with me to ss meeting on thursday so feel better i got someone on my side that understands whats going on, i really appreciate this site and feel like your all my freinds, it's really good as it's a terrible thing to have to cope alone
Kind regards
abt
That's excellent news, abt, it is good to share on here and great to reach out and get the support in person too...I know it is not easy to ask for help, so WELL DONE YOU 
Good luck for the meeting on Thursday, remember chin up and deal with them politely but confidently, you can do this!
hi hun aw glad u are at last getin sum support, it wil elp u so much, if it wasnt for freedom programe and wave who av supported me and ad support from sure start, for last yr even when i was with ex i dont no wot id dun and also massive support of one space and talkin to people, ive bin cumin on ere best part of year, my lifeline lolx ope ur ok hun, yes our stupid exs wil sufferx xx
Great to read some good news abt! Well done you for contacting them. 
hi angry how are u hun, thinkin of u, av u plans for weekend,xx
hi, thanks for thinking of me sorry been really busy. had a ss meeting at school and he told them he has a stomach ulcar and he could drop down dead any day, plus he is on morphine patches. she told me daddy drinks lots of shandy and when i was in shop she said do u want to know which one he drinks ill show you.she pointed out hollstein pills yellow cans! lol apparently he drinks loads of them silly old fart
he said that his legal aid and her legal aid will pay for his alchol test. i dont understand i know he has been avoiding having test done but now why is he telling them about his health and if he's drinking it will show. even if it is shandy and he looked drugged up drousy hes eyes red and closing
anyway see what happens
take care
xx
Hello ABT, that does sound strange. As you say, sit tight and see what happens
hi angry how are u, well my ex ad to av hid drug test in for jan2nd,dont no if he as dun it or not, ive put court bk of my mind, ad to, want it all over with, wil it ever b, who nosxx
hi kiera
drives u crazy doesn't it? i want to put back of my mind but its making me feel ill worrying about it, if they didn't listen to his b*llsh*t i'd feel better but i think court listen to ss there defently on his side. i'm going to freedom program tommorrow so see if theres any legal help there
take care
xx
Oooh, abt, you are going to the Freedom Programme, good luck with it, I hope that you enjoy it and find it supportive.
Let us know how you got on
hi angry awfreedom pro as defiantly elped me hun, im goin again,lol, it does elp, it make me anxious, now ive ad letter off my solicter sayin my solicter as moved offices so ive got anova solicter im gutted,she was gud solicter plus i liked er , x
hi, sorry to hear about solicitor, don't panic the next one may be good or even better, and they have your records i know what its like i have had 4 different ones and each time i had to explain everything again and they all weren't that good they just dont really understand, the best ones are experienced in abuse see if womensaid can reccomend someone, i can't seem to find one near me that also does legal aid and dont think i will get any legal aid now as earning self employed but dont have any money to pay for it. just have to keep trying all what you can do untill its over, it's a nightmare i know but keep positive and strong
xx
hi angry well womans aid recomeded onefirm ive got, so soliciter understands abuse thank god, but thing is its last hearin in feb courts av said tht they dont want to mess bout, but its contested hearing s hearings, but they av got very gid solicitero my solicter isnt qualified in contested hearings but my firm as got a very gud solicter who specialises in contested hearings, ive asked in special circumstances cud i speak bhind glass where i dont av to see ex, i went to pieces last tym in nov, this tym i av stand up and spk and say why i dont want e xto av contact, well his criminal record spks for itself so they no why i dotn want him toav contact, im anxious today, sumtyms i go days without thinkin bout court then like today iget anxious cos i ad tht solicter letter today x
im same i want to put it bk my mind but makes me anxious worryin bout it,i av legal aid thank god, i dont work, i av paid soliciter bfore was 120 a month, alot reallyx
Hi abt glad to hear your trying to maintain being positive, i hope Womensaid are able to come up with someone more specialised to your situation, would you have to represent yourself abt?
Keira it's understandable that you get anxious when something has triggered your memory, it staying strong as abt has said that will get you the rest of the way, thankfully for you your court/hearing dates are pretty soon and then hopefully all this will be over and you can move on.
hi angry how are u, ope u are ok,how is ur legal aid cumin alongxx
hi,
i'm ok thanks, given up on legal aid, i'll get someone to support me later at court meanwhile keep diary of what happens and been to one of the freedom classes its good, started me off crying though, still better out than in, got ss conference meeting early feb so lady will come with me, how r you?
horried weather isn't it, can't get much done in this cold roll on spring
abt
im ok huh, aw i no crap weather, ive bin without heatin hot water and no gas,since sat, sorted now, gas man turned gas off sayin there was leak of carbon monoxide, but there wasnt, engineer cum and said new boiler and no leak, so engineer cum today to do saftey check, kids ad to go to nans jsut for a bath and nice meal, cudnt cook a swas gas cooker, apart from tht im fyn, lol, snowin bad ere, i went freedom programme last thur, this thur bout the bad father, i was upset at 1st , gud luck for the as conference,xx
Hi,
thats terrible what a time of all times to have no gas, glad your sorted now. i have had to be really carefull with the gas it costing a fortune on heating!! never mind lets keep positive, my next freedom is about bully. yes x is a bad father alway telling lies about me and i do get upset i have lies but it makes me angry as well. he is basically all of the types: bully, jailer, king of the castle, the liar!!!!! the persuader and sexual controller but most of all the Headworker!! he is a psycopathic liar, nacastic parentialiastion
night night
hi hun my ex is all same ,my ex is everythin, defo the persuader,liar.sexual controller, he ad sex with me while i was sleep twice, bully, jailer,wasnt king of castle cos he wasnt around alot, he ad double life rem,ember, a stalker, bad father, god i hate himx
Hi ladies, I am glad that you are enjoying the Freedom Programme and recognising tactics that abusive men use. Although it can be a painful experience, I find it so eye opening, I think all young people should do it.
ABT, good luck with The Bully next week.
kiera, it is understandable that you hate your ex. One thing that helps moving forward though is letting go of that hate....that might sound crazy right now, but whilst you are hating him, your emotions are still caught up in him and his actions. Could you consider feeling sadness for him, sad that he has to live that way, sad that he won't have the loving relationship with his daughter that you have, sad that he was unable to be the man that you needed and deserved him to be? Call me bonkers if you wish, but think about it first
u are bonkers lolxx
you can't let go of the hate when he has done all that to you, i can never forgive and i'm not falling for his feel sorry for me act, he want sympathy well bollock he aint get anymore from me. and until this stupid court is over we can't move on were trying but they and court let him continue and were fedup to the back teeth of waiting. unless he does what he said he could drop down dead i'm not free, we want to just get on with our poxy lives but we can't until its over. yes he is bloody sad he lost everyone now he feels sorry but he only cares about himself. you know when i used to be crying my eyes out he would say don't bring on the crocodile tears because it wont work with me!! and they were real tears .... f***ing b****
I agree you should not have to feel sorry for them (EVER!) and sorry abt I had to edit your post re language, we sort of have a PG certificate here OK 
What Anna was talking about was that while you hold that hatred,it eats away at you and you remain a vitcim. No-one suggests you forgive or excuse the perpetrator but what we would say to you is to look after YOURSELF is to say I am no longer prepared to hold all this bitterness and awful feelings inside me. Anna was saying that one way to deal with this is to say that this person has NOT got a relationship with their child and cannot hold a relationship without abusing the other person and so who is the one who will in the end come out best? it will be you, it just might seem a long way off at the moment.
hi angry well my ex said exactly same, when police cum and he wudnt leave i was shakin and upset, he txt lata sayin and crocodile tears wont wash with me or the police , so i do hate him, he made my life a miserm and my kids, and he stil is, we cant move on til court overwith, im terrified tht he wil get any sort of contact, so yes i do hate my ex xx
I do hope you will be able to deal with that once all the court stuff is finally out of the way, kiera and feel more at peace within yourself
Hi both.
Yes I had the 'the crocodile tears won't wash with me' line too!! I am a lot further away from the abuse than you both are, but I have to say, that these days it almost tickles me that they are so similar and pathetic that they can't come up with any original lines, although I also know how deeply painful it is when someone says it.
I think Louise says it better than I did, holding onto feelings of hatred, do eat away at you and will continue to do so as the years go on. We have to be the ones to let go of them, although under both your current circumstances I know it is not easy as the issues are so current.
But please keep it in mind as food for thought. One day all this will be in the past and you can be free.
well i am hoping he is going to suffer soon as the truth is coming out. they can't give residence to an alcohic liar thats serously ill and could die any day, that would be nuts
we have to be patient and hope courts see them for what they are. they will lose and they know it but they still try because they are just trying to hurt us.
Lets try and improve our lives so they see were happy and that will hurt them more
take care and it is allright to be angry and have a cry sometimes as it's going to take a little while for us the recover after all the damage these b***rds have done
hope your warm
xx
thanks for the comments ann and louise xx
hi angry ur right hun , and thery cant giv contact to a violent drug dealin thug either, he wassnt interested in our little girl bfore of course he pretends he is now, its only to hurt me, yes it is alryt to b angry and cry, we av both bin thru alot hun, but we are so strong, its true u no best revenge is b haoppy and get on with our lives, it is hard as court isnt over with yet, same for u hun, yes it wil take while , it a sbin over 6 months for me and stil hurtin, wish never met tht b*****dxx
abt said:
Lets try and improve our lives so they see were happy and that will hurt them more
Good thought, abt. There is a saying that goes "the best revenge is to live well" I would not be one to advocate revenge but it is certainly true that by coming out through the other end you can empower YOURSELF!
Hello ABT
I know from talking with you previously that what you have been through was sheer and utter hell, and there is no other word for it. It is understandable that you feel your head is all over the place and that your confidence has been shattered. The most effective thing you can do to strengthen yourself for any legal fights ahead is to start to repair that confidence. I am sorry I can't remember if you have yet done The Freedom Programme? (click to see) In any case it sounds to me as if you would benefit from one to work with a counsellor, have you done any?
We are always here for you to talk to.