This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi keira its great to see/hear that you are stronger and happier 
hi angry how are u, wot av u bin upto xx
hi angry how are u hun, well hair strand tests cum bk for ex negative , but i didnt expect anythin else, he did test 4 half months later, i did myn 2 weeks later in august, my ex did his in jan2nd, un believable, ope to god judges are not fooled, theres stil his violent criminalpast talk bout, he wil go bk drugs after court, he aoint gona change, terrified they goiv him unsupervised contact, i wil protect my dawter, if av move where he cant find me i will, ope ur ok hunxx
Hi Kiera
That's ridiculas, stupid system yes he will still take drugs, my x should be having a drinks test but? don't know when, and its so stupid i was thinking today how ridiculas it all is, when he has her round his what the hell will happen if he drops down dead or raced to hospital? then shes going to wittness it and or be on her own. and i don't know what is going on, if something does happen will i be imformed
i feel same as you if i can't protect her i would change my id and go
yes you still have his criminal past, what does you solicitor say?
Best wishes
ABT xx
well my soliciter said in court tht hes delayed doin the test to get drugs out his system, bit my ex is very high risk, and cafcass lady said if i av any type contact with ex i cud b marraceed again whcih is serious, scared they giv him chance and he get supervisecd but my concerns are after contcat centre, i dotn want see him at all, i feel anxious thinkin bout court in feb, he said i harrassed him, ha joke, he wishes,hes not allowed nr me or my area so how hell is it gona work afta contact, my family hate him,. ive never met his family he ad double life, no wonder he let me down all tym, he was abusive to my other kids, i told cafcass lady this,ive asked cud i spk in court behind screen as i dont want see him in court, its last hearing, x do u see ur ex,x
i wud love to go and disapear, my ex said he never gona disapear, he said u thi k im gona just leave u alone im not, well he asnt and he wont,x
b*****d, don't worry thats what he says but if court tell him he can only have supervised visits he wont be able to harrass u. mines same he says he will take her out the country there just stupid threats they will lose in the end and then get fedup and leave us alone just have to keep trying to get the law on our side, try get evidence of him saying that? did he tell you that on the phone or was it an email or text? try and get evidence set up traps if you need to, like get someone to meet him and record what he says, play dirty they do, anyway i know it drives you mad its on my mind all the time as well it's what will they do next and we just want to be left alone
hi well he said tht to me few times, but hes not allowed to cum nr me or my area and i dont want go anywwhere nr him ever,sowont get chance to record him, xx
no of course well do you know anyone that will help u? someone that possibly knows him and can stitch him up they can do the recording maybe by pretending there his best mate. do you see what i mean? xxx
no thing is my ex lives miles away and no1 nos him, i did not meet anyone who he nos, thts wot i mean, he ad double life, baby and he was stil livion with his girlfriend i
Hello kiera at least that means that he IS out of your life on a day to day basis, even though I appreciate you have court to face. Is it going to be possible to be behind a screen?
ABT I agree that they do tend to get fed up in the end, but it is hard to be strong in the meantime.
hi angry how do u feel today,i feel down, fed up, not bin sleepin ,heart poundin, wish i dodnt av court to face, wish it wud all disapearx louise ive asked cud i b bhind a screen, dont wanrt see the ex
Hi Kiera, sorry you feel bad, you do need sleep and your worried, try give yourself a break i know how it is you have this on your mind all the time and it will make you ill. just make some notes of what you can say or to go in your statement etc i find this helps by writing everything down on paper rather than in your head, and then go out somewhere and be amoungst some other people, be good if theres a group somewhere you can join and take you mind off all this, it really does help when you socialise and have something you are doing that is for you, maybe a class at adult education, i'm going on a art class and jewellery making and i'm always off out meeting up with old freinds and making new ones
look after yourself as well have a nice soak in the bath do your nails have a facial that will make yourself feel better, cosy up and watch a good film with a cup of drinking chocolate
hope you feel better soon
abt xx
hi angru thank u for reply, its my birthday friday so goin out for summat eat with all my kids, my eldest daughter back from uni friday, and then avin big night out friday night , goin to posh bar, where footballers go lol that shud take my mind off things lol,gona av nice bath tonyt when kids in bed, av cadburys hot chocolate, ad one everynyt this week, snd orderin a curry as ive ad no tea,share it wivb my eldest son, thanks for advice hunx ope ur okxx
Great advice abt - look after yourself, you are the most important person in all of this, you need to be well and cared for to protect your children and continue the battle.
so pleased you have something to look forward to kiera and abt, I love it that you are going to art and jewellery making, what a brilliant idea! Are you good, or is it just a hobby and space to socialise?
hi angry great u own ur company, well my ex supposledly worked alday and thru nyt yet he never ad money, thts why didnt see him cos he was workin so hard for us, yeah ryt, he adnt even go a job, he lied like he lied bout everythin else, makin out he wanted b family when he already ad a family,and my ex ad quite few vehicles, didnt no wot he was gona turn up inxwell il support ur group hunx
ive never ad no money of ex, he said i aint payin for kid i dont see,he as bought er pair expensive trainers thts it,
well my x has always seen her and even if he didn't shes still his responsibility so i contacted csa
That's discusting he aint paid nothing makes him even worse yet he wants her custody? hypocrite mind you thats what abusive man are hypocrites!!!
hi yes they are hypocrites, they are horrible vile men, il never trust anova man againx
Hi ladies, just have to jump in here. ABT is right, abusive men are hypocrites, however not ALL men.
kiera you have two sons and I think it is important that you remember your freedom training and recognise that not all men are untrustworthy, there are some loving, kind, generous men out there and they should not be tarred with the same brush as abusive ones.
Yes that is true, not all men are bad there are some decent one's it's just we haven't been that lucky, so in future we need to be very carefull. the right man will be loyal kind and nice and they will have to prove to us that they are allright when we reconise the bad one's we will be more confident that we won't let ourselves get hurt again
i'm not interested in anyone at the moment, just sorting myself out but i know i don't want to spend the rest of my days single i will look for company later at some point when i'm ready
i have 3 sons and they all love and respect their girls they will do anything for them they are all running around trying to cook, clean housework, working, buying them gifts etc ... they would walk through a mile of prickly bramble bush to get their shopping and i'm really proud of that
abt xx
That's great to hear, ABT. I think it is a real challenge for a mum to bring up sons when there has been a history of DV and the mum has to work really hard to guide the boys into being a GOOD man. There are so very many good men around and I want to shout that from the rooftops!
It's important to get a balance
well my boys have a different dad, i was married for 18 years and when we seperated i sat the boys down and told them it was nothing to do with them it was our problem and we are still freinds we never would use the children. we told them they can live with either of us what ever they wanted and if they wanted to live with dad i wouldnt be upset or anything, but they was in their teens youngest 14 and he came to live with me but my abusive x didn't like my boys think he was jelous cause he hasn't seen his 3 boys.
well she's supposed to be going to her dads this weekend and again he says he can't have her, think he's in hospital, so wander what stupid social worker is going to write on his rubbish report?
Hi abt, thanks so much for your response, your sons sounds fabulous, well done you.
You say that they would walk through a mile of prickly bramble bush to help their girlfriends. I think this is a really good marker for future relationships for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship. We want someone who would walk the earth for us twice over, not someone who wouldn't even nip to the shops for some milk, when we are poorly!
You mentioned that we haven't been lucky, I don't believe it has anything to do with luck, I didn't mean to fall in love with an aggressive and violent man, but I was naive and I did ignore the warning signs, I wanted him more than I liked/loved/respected myself. I made those choices, I stayed for longer than I should.
Since taking responsibility for staying with my ex and living some horrific times, I have met some lovely men, I have also met some 'not so nice' guys too, but I can spot them a mile off, because I am no longer wooed by sweet talk or looks!
Taking some time out for yourself, learning to love yourself and find out what truly makes you happy, what you will accept and what you won't accept, is the most valuable thing you can do for yourself. Not always easy to take that step but invaluable. It doesn't mean that you will be on your own forever, just that when you go back out into the world looking for a partner, you will know a lot more of what you want and definitely what you don't want!!
i wasn't looking for love when i met x but i fell in love with him he was charming and very good liar i beleived his crap and so do a lot of people he is very very clever at disguising the real him. i do admit i did ignore some warning signs and i thought i would be the one to change him and i wanted to nurse him, it's the way i was brought up i was abused as a child from 9 years to 14. I say that it doesn't affect me because i buried it in the back of my mind but it abviously has because i tend to fall for men that dont want responsibility and my counciler said it's because i took great responsibilty as a child keeping their relationship together and carrying that secret, and my x husband (the good one) made me laugh as he said i can't keep being nurse nightingale
and i find it difficult to know when someonce sincere or lying. when i started to realise he was lying and things he said and done were contradicting i got cross with him and smashed his wing mirrors, he said that women are weak and cant hit so i punched and broke his ribs, then he tried putting me down and i told him it's no good trying to undermind my confidence because it wont work. it was like fireworks when we got together we should have never been. and i told him he would be better off with a little women that would do anything he wants.
i saved his life as he was on deaths door weighed only 7 stone and i fed him weightgain and got him to eat, he put a stone on in 1 week and i nursed him untill better and then thats the thanks i got.... strangled, threatened to be killed by hitman etc etc ... 6 years of it!!!
hi my kids av different dad, i av 2 sons 14 and11, and 19 yr old dawter,and 2 yr old little girl with abusive ex, my ex so jealous of m,y eldest dawter, even accused me of goin with my own dawter, he called er all tym.,she left to go er dads cos of him, il always feel guilty cos of tht, there prob is nice men out there,but gona b on my own with kids for while anyway, best wayx
Hi keira, yes it is a good idea to be on your own for a while once you have come out of an abusive relationship, you need that time to heal so that your in a better place next time.
Abt it can be really difficult when someone is very charming to know if they have abusive tendencies, something that i have heard alot of women say is that "no one would believe me if i told them, because around everyone else he is so charming".
The Freedom Programme is great for helping us learn how to spot the abusive tactics early on so that we don't end up in another abusive relationship. How is your course coming along keira?
I am pleased to hear that you want to be on your own for a while, kiera, as Sally says it will help your healing
ABT you went through so much. You mentioned counselling...have you had any counselling about the abuse you went through as a child? I know not everyone wants to do this but as it can affect so many aspects of your life, it's important to think about dealing with it in one way or another....have a look at this article here.
Hi Louise
Yes i did have councelling but i did end up talking about my x abuse which was currently happening and i had blocked out most memories of childhood incedents so couldn't recall exactly what had happened, cause when i left home i tried to tell and ask freinds and they either didn't know what to say or they didn't want to hear it, and i was crying constantly so i decided to bury it and counceller said it maybe better to leave it buried. yes it effects my relationships and parenting i find that i am too soft i dont know where the boundarys are as stepdad was very strict and i'm not doing that with my children so its difficult to get a balance and i just end up being too soft. never taken drugs alcohol self harming or depressed i am very strong wouldn't let any of that happen
I wonder if the book mentioned in the article would help you, abt? It's here (click to see) Not setting boundaries is one of the most common effects on those who have suffered abuse.
Hi abt, thanks for sharing what has gone on for you. I think that you do indeed sound like a strong woman and you recognise that you find it hard to know where the boundaries are and how to keep them in place. Knowing this is a great step forward.
As for being 'nurse nightingale', I think a lot of women fall into this category where we want to 'help' or 'change' our partners - again not a good base for a relationship, we need to accept our partners exactly as they are. It is not our job to change them, we can help them in times of need, but generally they need to be able to help themselves. We should be looking for an equal, a friend, who we respect and who doesn't encroach into our lives.
You said your ex was charming.....I think the next time you meet someone who is charming, ALL your alarm bells will go off. We are all 'only' human, there are some lovely people out there, but nobody is exceptionally amazing, or if they are I would be very wary of them!
Would you consider getting some more counselling?
Hi kiera, are your boys father the same? Do they see their dad/s? Great idea to take some time out for you and your family. They are the most important people right now, to be honest, there isn't much room for another person eh!?
hi no boys father is different,no my eldest son who is 15 on monday asnt seen his dad for 14 yrs, oh he turned upfew yr ago at exmas for an hr,my youngest son who is 11 his dad isnt allowed access atall, anova abuser i met,dont av luck do i,yes my kids are most important,x
Hi kiera, thanks for sharing that. So your eldest daughter has a relationship with her dad and that isn't too bad.
Your next eldest son hasn't seen his father, does he mind? Does he talk about him? Do you know where he is if your son wanted to contact him? Does your second son talk about his father? Are you able to have open discussions or is it taboo?
Do you think the experiences you have had with your ex boyfriends has had an impact on them and how they see themselves as men?
Sorry lots of questions, but they are a massive part of your life and every member of your family has experienced the effects of those abusive men and I am wondering how they are all coping.
had ss report and he has written loads of rubbish made me look bad, hasn't seen x or said anything about him and says shes still on cp well i have had enough this man is a bully, i asked for report and he said i cant have a copy! he then said he is getting legal advice as to where she will have residence? well x is not going to get it so who does he mean? in care? this man needs the sack he is abusive just like the rest, saying she told him i smacked her legs 1 year ago. the bedroom is messy with toys, i don't use the heating, (i said who can afford to use it 24/7?) there is no way i would allow my child to get cold, then that i don't take her to health appointments when she missed one appointment which was rebooked and we were told for the second time she doesn't have a problem with her hearing, and that were never going to amicabily get on for childs sake. well exuse me how can i get on with a complete lying physcopath and i'm not in a relationship with if he don't turn up for contact how is that my fault?
i'm asking for a new sw because he trying to make me sound as bad as possible ignoring what i say and not investigating x at all. x hasn't done test as he said he would and now he cant be found. i have had enough now
Hello abt
Your post about the report reminded me of when I read a sensationalist newspaper article and a small incident is blown out of proportion and presented in a "shocking" light. No wonder you are so angry!!!! I would be furious. However, channel the energy that anger has given you into a CALM campaign to disprove this report. Are you still attending child protection conferences? Who else is there that can give a more balanced view....a health visitor? Someone from Women's Aid?
Have you had contact with The Family Rights Group? Give them a ring about what has happened with the social worker as they have lots of experience of this sort of thing.
hi angry how are u hun, u no u hear stories tht judges or sw are as bad as our exs, they are bullys and abusers themselves, u get and take it further, its ur ex tht needs to b investigated,im dreadin report dun by cafcass bout ex, god elp wot he as saysm, b a load lies and bull prob, but i no truth and u no truth hun, do u mean he asnt dun drink testxx
hi,
Had some success today feel great, got there and told ss think hes nit picking and not doing his job properly and want a different one, but chair lady was a reasonable lady and she said they will help me with my parenting issues and if he wants contact he will have to do it in a contact centre!!! brilliant thats what i wanted in the first place over a year ago, anyway x didn't turn up and not to collect her today either and ss saw x facebook with all his loads young girls on it, silly dirty s*d he has dug his own grave and made ss look tw*t for beleiving him ha ha ha ha
Hello abt
That sounds like progress!!
hi angey well im really glad tht ss realize at last, ur ex wont no what as hit him, and a contact centre is best isnt it, is it gona b supervisedx
yes i think it is going to be supervised, Well we will see if he turns up then that will
show how much he cares about her. as i told them actions speak louder than words, do they think i just made this all up?
Although i am releaved that it's finely happened i'm still angry what they have put us through and they need to sort these situations out a lot quicker than they do as he is seriously a dangerous man that lies and he could have killed me or even our child as children and women die everyday at the hands of a nutter so why do they even listen
to his s***, why don't they let him prove he is safe before giving him contact? instead of the wrong way round
i still have to make sure the ss report is correct and not putting me in a terrible light
But yes there is finally some good progress and i really hope other mothers out there get good progress and don't suffer after they have suffered enough already with these cruel evil men that cause absolute nightmere within the whole family
kiera you need to be strong and put your foot down and don't take any more s***, it's gone on too long now and your a great caring mother he needs to be out of your life for good tell them it needs to be resolved now all this time is not in the interest of your kids it's affecting your health and you cant have that when your caring for your kids
xxx
hi angry i no wot ur saying, as my ex not put me thru enuf without dragin me thru court, he isnt interested in our little girl she is 2 half now,he ad double life. he ad never left his girlfriend and he ad new baby, how bad is that, proves how he lies, his drug test negative but no wonmder he did it 4 half months later, i aint stanbdin for it, ex said he will do a contact centre joke, he asnt seen our little girl over a year now, he didnt b other with er bfore, i told cafcass woman that, but stil his criminal violent past luk at, he is dangerous man, and high risk to me , and i cud b marraced again if i cum in contact with him even if he gets supervised wot after tht, no way do i want him to b un supervised,he as bin ceriminal for years so he aint gona change, it wil all b an act in centre, hope they dont fall for his liesx
ur right he needs prove hes safe , even police did a raid last year, on his home, found rifle, 14 grams whizz, and knuckle duster, all violence, drugs weapons he is unsafe to av my little girl unsupervised x
That's great news ABT about the supervised contact.
As for the process taking the SS along time, they have to investigate bothsides properly to make sure they make the right decisons and your right that can be timely.
hi angry, ur last paragragh is so right, it is effectin my health, report cum today, found out ex pretended to b sum1 else on fb, so he now as my mobile number, cant believe ive actullay bin talkin to him thinkin its sumone else, i feel sick, ive deactivated my account,. and drug test result is negative but he put a dye on his hair, cafacss lady said to try to get out of them finding out he takes drugs, police was at his home nov just gonm and they found canabis , and he was very abusive and agressive to police, i want to no why hes not locked up,hes stil not allowed contcat, cafcass lady said he minimized wot he did to me on holiday and tht worries er, he punched me in face twice, he said once and police laffed bout it, he put me in hospital for gods sake, i hate him i cant move on, feel sick, feel hes stil controlin me, sorry angry for writin all this, dotn no wot to dox hope ur okx
Hi,
You can contact me anytime, have you blocked his number on your phone? it shows what he is like abuse and agressive to police so thats good evidence, typical of police laughing stupid tosser when people do that they are stupid so don't let that upset you
everytime he tries to get control take it away so he can't block your phone, change you facebook id or get rid as you done, thats good, keep strong and don't communicate at all, my ss told me i'm not working with him for the sake of our girl, that's absolutley ridiculas i told them i'm having nothing to do with him only text about contact and they can't expect me to and anyhow every word he says is a lie and they have even told me before to keep away from him so they don't make sense. these people just don't live in the real world they told you one thing and then another
any communication should be done with your solicitors, all you need is all the evidence you can plus keep a diary of everything that happens then you can show court what he does all the time and tell them you have had enough you just want to be left alone to look after your children and you shouldn't have to put up with any more abuse it is making you ill, see doctor and get a note from him.
keep strong and you will win in the end! try not to let all the comments and what he does upset you, you need to take your mind off sometimes and do things for you like i told you before because thats important, you need to build up your esteam and self condfidence which will help you have the strength to stand up against this evil creep
remember you are a strong women and have been through hell, i know and i'm very angry with these men and when it's over i'm going to fight for laws and attitudes to change xx
take care keira let me know how you get on
well the report is stil inb my favour, hes stil breakin law, police raided his home twice in nov just gon,found canabis, he said police in teneriefe laffed and said thts wot brits do, after he put me in hospital, he lied to cafacss lady and minimized everythin which is of concern to cafcass lady, and plus drut test which he puit colour on his hair, so she not countin tht drug test tht cum bk negative, want ti over with wil it ever b, hes dangerous man just want them to say hes not allowed contact, then ilm b scared he wil cum for me, wish never met him,x then i wudnt av my gorgous girlx
That's good advice, abt. Kiera, it is only a few days until the court hearing. Once that is over, you need to start the work we mentioned to you recently, in putting this behind you, you have a busy life, good family and friends and especially your children, who need you to do this.
hi angry how are u, is it court let me no how u went on, im thinking of uxxx
hi louise sori i swore as well. yes nest revenge is for them see we are strong and happy, we no wotever they say are lies, think my ex thought i wudnt go thru with court and he never thought everythin wud cum out bout him in court, which did me a favour,x