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Hello Sparklinglime,
Louise came back 1 hour late, asked if she could tell me in future as the kids stay up for her. She begrudgingly said yes.
She wants to split right now and can't go on me and her living like this "for the sake of the children".
She wants me to look at "mortgage rescue scheme" from CAB ?_ i'm so stressed - she says I've been trying to be "goody two shoes" doing all the new things i have done. I said, it is just because it may be the last time for many things. If i had done these things 2 and a half years ago we wouldn't be here. I said was scared to do some things and prioritised for work. She's so angry - and she did not thank me for covering her and taking kids in Friday.
I'm so confused, maybe lawyers will end it all. Huge bills and bad feelings.
I've taken a full sleeping tablet tonight, but they must be quite weak.
Has anyone been through this stage?
Some of things she said i did not understand - about her part of the mortgage, she doesn't have to keep to or something.
I'm so bewildered - .
I'm glad your son came back happy. My children are 5 and 10.
Are you revising for something?
I cannot play computer games at the moment - i have a character in World of Warcaft which is a very social game. Only been on to let couple of ppl know what is happening to me.
Why can i not remember conversations at the moment? - she says things to me and i don't understand or remember.
Goig to try sleapp now.
I can see things from her view point when she's commenting on you doing more with the children. You sort of get used to doing things alone...
I'm not saying that to hurt.
She won't see that there's a reason for thanking you for taking the children on Friday - as you're their dad. That means that it's part of your responsibilities.
Again, I'm not saying that to hurt, just trying to show the other side.
With ex's debts there was no way of doing anything with the mortgage. Our house had to be sold. My sister is a mortgage broker, and she put a proposal together for me to keep the house, but it just wasn't an option. We were married though, and so all debts were considred joint.
I've got an OU Sociology exam on Tuesday. The way things are going, a big F will be the result! Life seems to get in the way. :) So long as I complete it though, that's the main thing in my eyes.
Have a notebook handy. Jot things down - clearly enough so you know what you're writing down (going by my notes here!)
hi sparklinglime,
i always loved my children and they know that.
I have not always been able to do the things other dads can do, Louise is poor teacher for me and assumes much.
I have always been really nervous of things i've not done before and i leaned on Louise for many household things, as she did on me for getting money in - to the point of my exhaustion.
I'm sorry if i seem to fit into the "bad ex" category, i probably do.
Non of my dad's ever did the parenting things louise was after. I have nothing 1st hand to follow.
When i took them to school, i just felt really nervous, i did not have joy, or great happiness - i was proud of them for helping get together quickly in the morning.
You are amazing doing the OU course. I know a big F would be hurtful result, but think of all that you have learned. you can take it again? Complete it if you can.
I am very tired now - i must sleep - with fear. She says there are courses of action she is resisting, which is like a threat i suppose.
bye
gaawd my heart is beating so hard this morning.
My ex is not working all day, but she is leaving the house to get away from me this morning.
i really don't know what to do. I hope the kids don't play up.
i don't know how u guys got through all this.
I never been hated before. It's frightening me.
I'm not sleeping again, tablet not working.
how i going to survive to day, my heart is beating so hard.
sy
Hi Sadsy
you will survive today because u have to! I have had many days I didnt think I would get through but I'm still here! My ex hates me too although he has no reason to, when he first left I wasn't very nice to him as he destroyed my whole world and my daughters however even when I bend over backwards to be nice to him he still hates me, I think maybe he has to so he can live with what he has done, the alternative would be for him to take the blame himself ! I think it is probably the same in your situation..It is a horrible feeling especially from someone who u still love ..I'm not used to being hated either as I go through life trying to help people certainly not making enemies but I guess all you can do is be true to yourself and do your best ..nobody can do more than that... some people seem to be capable of causing much pain and suffering to others and I'm sure I will never understand that...some people seem to be the ones continually getting hurt because they trust others but I still know which I would rather be! A big sunday hug x
thank you mousie,
i fear a terrible choice coming.
Give louise everything for the sake of the children and i get oblivion.
I change day by day from feeling like bad partner to i did nothing terribly wrong, she just fell out of love with me and lived with it too long.
It was so hard to communicate with her about anything that mattered.
I'll explain more later - big huuuug to you
I hope you will start feeling a bit less panicky as the day goes on. Don't forget your deep breathing!
gaawd my heart is beating so hard this morning.
My ex is not working all day, but she is leaving the house to get away from me this morning.
i really don't know what to do. I hope the kids don't play up.
i don't know how u guys got through all this.
I never been hated before. It's frightening me.
I'm not sleeping again, tablet not working.
how i going to survive to day, my heart is beating so hard.
sy
It is horrid being hated. I know that. I never quite understood what I did to deserve it, but clearly he does.
Am I being horrid here? If I am tell me to shut up. I promise not to be offended, and I promise to listen.
Your children do need to have boundaries. You will need to try and come up with strategies to deal with things. When my lot started to have a wobbler, I'd point to the sky and say 'did you see that'? They stopped yelling and would look up trying to see what ever... I'd just say 'oh no, its gone. It might be back in a minute'.
Nothing there, of course!
Easiest thing to do on a nice dry day is have a picnic. The children can help decide what they want to have - you can guide them to make sure it's sensible. If you feel too tired to go far, just have it in the garden. I feel the fresh air might help a little.
http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills.aspx
Might be some light reading at some point to give you some direction - it might not.
You do need some legal advice though Sy. Being informed means that you know where you stand, and you may feel less threatened by the statements that Louise throws at you.
She's happy leaving the children in your care, which shows she has every confidence in you as a dad.
I know you love your children. You've just been chucked in the deep end here. I also know that earning the money is equally important within a family.
Hope you find a load of positives in today.
hello sparklinglime,
always love to see your posts and value your words. I'm sorry if i remind anyone of their ex's traits.
i am getting a little legal advice tomorrow.
I was pressured to get out house today by mediator and louise.
I'm tempted just to use solicitor, but i don't have the money.
She thinks i should leave because we have cross words sometimes and effect on kids. (They don't seem too affected though?)
I remember my mum and dad fighting, and it didn't worry me as a child too much, even his suicide attempt was just a bit puzzling to a 5 year old. What really hurt me, was dad leaving.
I am a bit in at the deepend on the parenting side, louise has done most of it, though i have always given love, though not always my time. i can improve a bit, and find more joy in sharing time with our children - i feel guilty about that not coming naturally.
Louise is telling me i'm doing these changes just for effect. It's not true, though i can see how she might see that. I'm not as nervous now to do some things, as it has been so terrible last 10 days, a little embarrassment holds less fear for me now.
may post tonight when i'm lonely, so more meandering, self obsessed nonsense to come.
huuugs sy
I'm glad you're going for some legal advice tomorrow. It will at least give you an idea where you stand with things.
"Louise is telling me i'm doing these changes just for effect. It's not true, though i can see how she might see that. I'm not as nervous now to do some things, as it has been so terrible last 10 days, a little embarrassment holds less fear for me now".
I'm guessing that only time will show Louise that being more hands on now is a new way of life. It's brilliant that you're enjoying it too. I'm not sure how much of parenting is natural. I think it's all a learning curve, to be honest.
With the children - try to keep the arguments away from them. If they hear, be honest and say that mum and dad are cross with each other and that you're not cross with them in anyway.
Personally, I can't quite agree with you there.
My mum and dad had awful rows, and my dad would sometimes hit my mum. I hated it. I used to tidy my room - even under my bed - and ask them to stop fighting because my room was tidy now. It's not good for children. I always blamed me.
Well done for dealing with the school. I hope Luke will be ok about things in the morning.
Looking forward to "more meandering, self obsessed nonsense". I add some of mine to it too!
I find it quite therepeutic 'chatting'.
Take care
Hi sparklinglime,
it's ok for you and I to disagree on some things, it wouldn't be natural to agree on everything. It's OK : )
Louise and I actually have very few arguments, and they are not violent in any way. Juts slightly heated words.
The children are not showing any major distress signs at the moment.
I'm sorry you saw violence as a child, I don't remember any direct violence, I'll ask my mum today.
I'm hoping to be a bit better parent, i need time though, to learn things.
Yes, I find the chatting therapeutic too, though I do not have much i can help people with through lack of experience.
Big huuugs for you sparklinglime
sy
How did it go today?
I'll see if you've posted in another thread....
Hi sparklinglime,
will post legal visit info when louise goes out.
I am about to give her Parental responsibility agreement form, as we are not married. It came from solicitor.
It just means I can get medical and school information legally. Hope she does not flip out again. + recognbises me as father.
Be back later.
sy
Oh I am glad you are getting that in motion....
Hello,
she would not take parental responsibility form. It is on table on top of biscuits where she said to leave it. She would not touch it.
When she gets back, if she is angry, that would be better than if she smug. Smug means something terrible going to happen.
When she take children away, she say in next 3 days, children will not understand. Could be my lowest moment coming. I cannot stop her. She will grab clothes and teddies, if i'm lucky, she will tell me where she going. Then there will be silence after children stop crying. and car drives off.
I'm sure many of you been there from other side of situation.
Even through anti depressants - i feel the horror of it coming.
Counsellor tells me not to picture these scenarios.
1.5 hrs to go till she gets back from school collection.
sy
Sy, this means a new course of action.
Don't panic, but focus on the next step.
There are things that can be done.
sparklinglime,
i waited till 6.30 looking at every car and child sound that passed.
Louise phoned and said she was at Romford - there's no way. It is bogus. Romford is miles and miles away.
Little Arwen told me she was at Paul's house - I know he is not far. Still in Tunbridge wells.
I asked the police in Romford to check at that address, but they refused after a while.
Louise say she coming back for clothes tomorrow morning at 10.
I will ask for car keys back and inform her she is off insurance. Srry - but i'm cross.
Then - desolation. Check my bank account - see what i can do with solicitor?
Phone work and ask for next week off.
Wish I was someone else.
sy
Take care and hang on in there : )
In a few years time you will be able to look back on all this in better light.
Sorry if anything I said sounds crass but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and wishing good things for you.
Take care : )
later.
have woken.
feel sick.
ears are ringing.
silence in house.
sy
Good decision for taking next week off, it sounds as though you need a little longer to get over this initial shock.
What are you up to today?
hello lovely people,
i have spent all day on phone. work, police, social services, school, court house, solicitors, my mum, glazing guy, child protection and louise called once. i also called new boyfriend to meet up - at police station if he worried - to talk about next few weeks, now he is part of our lives. His phone is off so i texted him and left voicemail.
want my car back too if louise be irresponsible and rush across country in it. have asked her to return it.
Louise said the kids be back tonight to stay with me for weekend. We'll see if she shows.
just want to sleep now.
too much in one day. day not over.
no pain when sleeping.
sy
thank you bubblegum,
my daughter would not stay with me this weekend, she is too small. yesterday when they collect luke, she not recognise me much.
Feel turned inside out afterwoods. Hurting now, even through antidepressants.
Have doctor's in few mins. Don't think she will sign me off much longer.
They don't want me back at work yet...
thank you for your words bubblegum, i know you have survived much.
sy
Good luck for today, sy, let us know how you get on at the doctor's
Hi Louise,
doctor doubled my dose and signed me off for 2 weeks more.
Also a blood test for cholesterol (and other things) today. Been on double dose Anti Ds since Monday night.
Feel quite lonely at the moment. Hope the school isn't mean to me tomorrow. I am looking for info on Luke's ADHD assessment and generally to get dual paths of info now ex-Louise has split. I have meeting at 11am.
tired now - night night
sy
The school have no reason to be mean (always something I worry about with who ever I'm seeing).
You are Luke's dad and as you say, you'd just like to be updated with the plans for the next school year. Give them your contact details and include your email (primary here does loads of letters by email), so they can forward information to you.
You will probably need to let them know that you have now split up which is why you need the information seperately - as this should be kept confidential anyway.
Any problems - and their shouldn't be, be polite and tell them you will have to take the matter further an then write to the Chair of Governors.
I informed both primary and High school of the fact that the children's parent had split up, and while I always copied stuff from the primary school to give to their dad (still do with the school calendar, although I'm guessing they have his email for other information- he won't discuss anything with me), the children always come home with two copeis of their end of year reports - one addressed to me and one to him - which actuall impressed me, as while I do copy everything else, I had been trying to work out how to copy out a thick school report!
While I have absolutely nothing to say to my ex anymore, when it comes to information, I have always sent copies with the children. You could request the same from Louise in your list of how you'd like things to be.
hello sparklinglime,
yes the school lady was fine. She said she noticed luke was pale and i said it was because they had been going to bed late, like 9 oclock, which is when, if i'm lucky, i get a night night call.
I will get dual streams of info. Though I have just a couple of words to track down the assessment doctor. Task for tomorrow.
Arwens bed is ready for her if she does stay tomorrow.
Elsewhere you might have read about the police who turned up with louise this morning.
Louise took all the children's medicines today, even though there were duplicates. She said i have to get my own (?).
is your leg any better today?
sy
Well done for sorting things with the school. It's right that they know the situation so they can understand what's going on with Luke.
Medicnes for the children - is it Calpol and things? Or do they have prescribed medicines? Something to add to your list for tomorrow to make sure you have some in - no excuses for the children not staying...
My leg is a niusance - can't spell either! My knee is now playing up big time (joy - old car crash injury going back to 1980) - possibly as I over did the weight thing this morning! It feels like it wants to dislocate - not nice... And it hasn't before...
I'm so glad that you have the bedrooms are ready. That's lovely.
You have achieved so much today Sy.
hi sparklinglime,
srry to post in night, i guess i do need the sleeping tablet after all. Tried to do without.
yes the children's medicines, were calpol and nurofen for children, and piriton (like a antihistamine?). Nothing prescribed.
you sound like you're in a lot of pain, knee sound horrible. Maybe because of your ligament pain you are walking awkwardly and putting strain on your car crash damaged knee joint? Be careful getting out of car, that twisting motion I found can be trouble on right knee.
I fell off horse 2 years ago and get nervous about my back sometimes. Injuries stay with us longer as we get older.
Hope the police don't come again this morning. Still a bit shocked.
well, i got half a sleeping tablet I'm going to have now.
night night
sy
Good morning Sy
Hope you got at least some sleep and can face the day. As sparkling says, good to have some medicines in so it can't be used as an excuse for them not coming. Pace yourself today and big pat on the back for yesterday!
thank you Louise,
your notes are a lifeline for me at the moment.
Children's bedroom is much tidier than I've seen it for a long time. Lot of fluff revealed too.
I need to go get some food for them from tescos. My cooking bit basic, so I thought chicken goujons or nugget type things, in case arwen does stay. She like plain food, no sauces. I need pharmacy for children's medicines I think?
I can't keep all the plants alive in pots, it has been roasting hot and they not survived. I not watered enough. Hanging baskets seem to not have any soil in? I juts don't have time at moment.
I have tracked down the Dr for Luke's assessment, or her secretary. Hoping she will call back. I explained circumstances to secretary. Just checking kids are in school in a mo.
Feel a bit stressed. Not good to be in house too long.
sy
Don't worry about the plants, just keep you and the kids fed and watered for the moment.....
Good plan re the food and it will freeze if not used today. You will probably find Calpol etc on the Health shelves of the main supermarket.
Fingers crossed for later
Morning sadsy
I also want to say well done for everything you have been doing this week, when you are at the supermarket, treat yourself to something too.
Don't worry about the plants, I am rubbish at keeping green things alive, my thoughts would be get rid of them, might sound harsh, but no plants is always better than dead ones, they can make you feel blue!
thank you both so much,
I know i go on a bit. But I have never lived on my own till now. Feel quite lonely.
I really look forward to your posts.
Will go to Tunbridge Wells big sainsbury's supermarket by car they have more choice - I hope Louise and lover not there. feel a bit fragile for that kind of thing today.
Wish I had someone to love me. All in time I guess.
Best make a list now.
huuug
sy
Hi sadsy
I know things are rotten at the moment, but as a discussion on another thread has been saying, you have two children who DO love you and the next thing you need to do is learn to LOVE YOURSELF.
Not as easy as it sounds, but very therapeutic, once you can do this, you will find you can deal with anything. :)
I think if you read through your last few posts you'll see how many baby steps you've taken - and I feel there's been many.
Sainsbury's have meal cards, I think (no Sainsbury's by me) that might give you some meal ideas. I'm sure you'll be shopping by now, but maybe for next time - and the children could choose a meal they fancy.
yes they are those feed your family for a fiver ones...or have a look at our Food glorious food thread in the general interest section, Sy
Yes! Especially the trifle recipe it looks so much fun to make with little children and SO easy!
hey there,
only luke with me, louise would not let arwen stay as she was asleep in boyfriends car.
My cooking is veeeery basic, just heating things really.
Luke has mentioned something which chills me to the bone. Louise is thinking about moving to the coast, far away.
I cannot bare thought. Cold dread. It could break me, finally, to not see children. It would be the thing that would break me. Spent no time with arwen for 2 weeks.
Yes, i don't love myself. Then none will love me?
Gonna sit with luke for a bit, he sleep on sofa cushions on floor with me - pirates of the caribbean - take my tablets.
thank you - you have skills i don't have at moment, cooking needs time to learn, and i have none at moment.
you guys are great. sorry i go on so. Must phone mum see how stepdad is. he breathing laboured now.
sy
hmmm, not sleeping again.
dare i take sleeping tablet with luke in house?
I may have to.
I'm quite frightened - louise looking to take children completely away - is part of her history, up roots and completely disappear from a past life. Luke not keen. Luke say louise has solicitor ready in case i initiate. she would get legal aid, i don't.
Mum is waiting up with stepdad tonight i think. So he don't die alone. I can't phone her in case she sleeping. Her sister has come from norfolk to change shifts in night. Louise receive much help from him over 14 years, she never ask how he is...
Also, i awoke realising i would never be able to get the house ready for sale on my own. feel bit despairing. not sure when to contact mortgage company.
Turns out luke's assessment, boyfriend went with louise and luke, louise not tell me where it is - wonder if he posed as dad? Still hard coming to terms with whole situation at times, especially now luke back with me. Doctor for luke not phone me today. have to chase monday. Boyfriend not as friendly when dropping off luke, he did not have his daughter with him, maybe why. he always wear shades, wonder if he on drugs - if dilated pupils mean he need shades?
well, best get half one of those bitter sleeping tablets. They stick in throat.
school say luke tired in class - -luke say - it is because louise have him up too late at night - they say night night at 9 o clock. Then 1.5 hr drive to school.
will arwen miss her dad's love - little children soon forget and they adapt to their new life? Louise would not let me wake her in boyfriend's car.
Oh ppl. Louise is such strange person. She really was living a lie.
sy
I hope things are going better for you this morning when you wake Sy. You need to talk to someone about where you stand in all of this. Maybe go to CAB as they may be able to advise you on what to do if your ex is planning on taking the children further away than where you are now.
Hope everyone else is having a good day tday. Sorry to rob the post but thought i'd pop my info down.
There is just me (25) and the boy who is two in 4 weeks! I am so excited and as many of you already know from the food topic i am looking forward to making (messing up) his Thomas the Tank birthday cake!!
We live in Cornwall and we have been on our own since i was pregnant :)
Meandtheboy,
really happy you posted for me. You are real inspiration. I happy to see all different views.
Because I am still distressed, sometimes I cannot take on board advice easily. You have to forgive me. It's only 3 weeks since ex say she not love me, plus met someone etc. I having to learn a lot of new things and now partner hates me and has someone to help her and children gone during week, it so quiet in house. We been together for 14 yrs.
Your CAB advice is very good and I will try and get there next week. My local one has already advised my ex, so they will not speak with me.
Thomas the tank engine cake will be cool. Maybe a way of taking a pic of it? I guess it need be made day before, as home cakes not have preservatives (thank goodness).
Do you have any support locally, mum or dad or brothers and sisters - or any support from group of mums etc?
It is scorchingly hot here this morning. I bet even hotter in cornwall.
huuug for you meandtheboy.
sy
Hello sy
Shame that you have not got the time with Arwen you were hoping for, but nice that you have Luke there. What are you doing together today?
Re the possible move, there really is very little you can do to stop this, it would only be if she wanted to take them to another country and then she would need your permission as you have Parental Responsibility (well, for Arwen anyway), or if you had been awarded majority care for the children by a court. The only other side to this is that if you have a lot of travelling costs to see your children then this can be taken into consideration when the CSA set child support levels. I know that is totally not the point you are saying about, but I have to put that as it is a piece of info about this subject and other people may be reading this for whom it IS relevant.
Enjoy time with your boy and try not to ask himn too many things, he's possibly a bit unsure of things right now and needs you to be solid for him
Hi me and the boy
WOW I did not realise the birthday was quite so close. Nearly time for "floury arms" then! :D
sorry ppl,
stepfather has died this afternoon and I feel really odd.
He helped Louise for 14 years, she knew he was ill and hasn't asked about him once in 4 weeks.
This is the "real louise" the counsellor unleashed. Hope she happy being her real self.
Pure selfishness.
sorry
sy
Sorry to hear about your step father! Hope everything is okay. Just remember that he will be in no pain now. And he'll watch over you and the kids and see that everything comes good :)
Louise - His birthday is the end of July so we are right in the middle of the preperations for a big family bbq at my mums and Thomas cake. Going to make marble cake but the normal white marble will be blue! See how this goes. Luckily i have a week to practice hehe :lol: The worst part will be getting the cake out of the tin! Luckily my nan is an expert in cookig so she'll advise me 100%
sorry ppl,
stepfather has died this afternoon and I feel really odd.
He helped Louise for 14 years, she knew he was ill and hasn't asked about him once in 4 weeks.
This is the "real louise" the counsellor unleashed. Hope she happy being her real self.
Pure selfishness.
sorry
sy
I'm so sorry.
Very sorry about your beareavement, Sy
Me and the boy, we want full details and PICTURES!
Hi
With a letter, you need to stick to facts. Emotion could be a thing that won't move the situation forward. I did that with my ex, as I needed some questions answered. He never answered them, and the letter was screwed up. He read it though!
My son has arrived safely home. I've managed to give myself a headache! He was happy as larry though, as he had a really good time - he was wearing the helmet, as I happened to see him arrive back.
I tend to cook a lot of stuff in the oven. It goes back to when my daughter was a baby. She screamed so much that I did everything with one hand - waffles and fishfingers onto a cooking tray and shove them in the oven (they take the same amount of time to cook).
I feel its a bit healthier too as I use that non-stick foil, so no fat!
How old are your children Sy? They'll be picking up on how you feel too.
Somehow, if you can not dwell on how the past has been with them, learn from that and be positive about how quick you're learning now, and how much you're doing with them, and most importantly, how much you enjoy being with them. Let them know how good it is to be spending so much time with them.
Bananas are always good with children when they're flagging. A bit of energy that won't get them wound up.
You've done well getting the estimates in for work to be done to the house.
Feet up and watch some tele or listen to some music until she comes back. Or a game of Taipei on the computer - a great way of passing the time!
I'm calmer now. Another day gone and very little revising done!
Tut.