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sorry, double post...
hi i joined this site in may and i have to say i find it very good and helpful does any one know of any groups i could join in the west midlands to get me or my boys out a meet new people . i have joined the local gingerbread group but it is not all that good but i will keep going just wondering if there is anything else like that in the midlands ?
Hello shaz5
I am coping your post over to the section Local Information, I will reply to you there and you might get other members in your area, click here to get there.
Hi there everyone I am new on here, still learning my way around. I heard about Onespace through another website www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and I am currently attending a Freedom Programme course. Divorced last year, still living with ex-husband (!!) in the family home as unable to sell it at the moment - not good. Have two children (one now 21 and at Uni) but the other is 14 and living at home which is obviously difficult, hadnt thought of myself as a single parent but I am I suppose even though it doesnt yet feel like it......
Hi Lowestoft
You are welcome here, am I right in saying that there has been some abuse in the relationship? and if so, how are things between you with still living in the same house?
Yes, you are correct, not physical abuse, but everything else!! Yes, still live in the same house, as you can imagine it is intolerable but you get used to intolerable things and they become the norm. Finding out about Pat Craven and The Freedom Programme has change my life, still a long way to go but I am so much stronger and positive - thank you.
Hi Lowestoft, welcome along to One Space 
It's great that you're feeling stronger and positive since The Freedom Programme, and pleased you've now found this site. Everyone is brilliant, and really supportive.
Hi Lowestoft, I have already welcomed you in another thread, but I shall say Hi here too! I am glad you have found us! I ma glad that you found the Freedom Programme too, I agree, it is good, life changing in fact!
Fingers crossed with your house selling, intolerable does become the norm, you are so going to LOVE having a place of your own!
Have a look at our The Best Thing about being a Single Parent is? thread, it will bring some giggles hopefully and stuff to look forward to!
Are you and the ex in different rooms? Parts of the house? do you still have to see him? Do you communicate? Is he continuing the abuse or recognised that you aren't buying into it anymore? How is your 14 year old? Are they a boy or a girl?
So many questions! Sorry, just would like to get to know you more! Look forward to talking more
hi all,im new to this soplease be patient,im J, asingle parent in N*****,i live with my 15yr old boy whose mother died last yr of cancer,also im going through a very painful breakup with my partner,we both are finding things very hard at the moment,i was wondering if anyone had any ideas or tips to get through this
Hi
What a difficult time you're going through, and how sad for your son too.
With me I found that taking baby steps was a way forward. Don't try to solve too many things at once, and not to look too far ahead.
Maybe if you can have some really nice days out with your son, even if its just having a coffee and donut somewhere. Getting away from a situation can give you a break from what's happening around you.
Do you both share a hobby?
Hello spreadarone. Welcome along. Really sorry to hear about your ex. How is your son dealing with it all? I guess take one day at a time rather than lookiing too much into the future. Fill the days as much as possible, though that's easier said than done sometimes. Have you been with your partner long? Though it's of course painful for you, going through this break-up, you have to stay strong for your son. If he sees you're coping and managing well, then I'm sure it'll help him too.
Hi spreaderone
You are very welcome here, and I am sorry to hear about everything that you and your son are going through. I have replied more fully on the Introduce yourself thread (see here)
hallo there louise, i am, moving on, ha ha and taking 4 steps back every time, i have 4 children. a dog, and a husband who lives a houndred yards away and thinks every thing is my fault, he is the victim he is the only one hurting ,its all about him, we are apart now 1year 3 months,,
Hello to everyone.
I was extremely grateful to find this wonderful site. What an excellent resource this is. I'm a gatecrasher here really - because I actually live in New Zealand. But, I still "feel" British, and couldn't resist. I have been separated for only a week or so now, but I feel like I've been let out of prison. The relief is just awesome. I have a ten year old son who is gifted and wants to become a writer. He is home-schooled, and is a real joy to me.
We moved to NZ as a family three years ago, for a better life. I realised though, that I had left everything behind except for one problem - a really unhappy marriage. I went to a counsellor, and got the courage to separate.
If you've seen the film "Tangled" then I feel like Rapunzel when she leaves the tower for the first time. Euphoric, then terrified. Like a bird who has escaped from the cage, but ill prepared to live in the wild!
Today I went to a yoga class - I used to go regularly before I was in the relationship. But having 24 hour 7 day a week care for my son, and being told "we can't afford it", I couldn't go. But wow, I felt like I'd won the lottery today. I went to the class and enjoyed every moment. I felt like I was walking on air afterwards.
Both myself and my son are getting counselling and really need it because we are quite isolated here with no family or close friends for support. Also, family in the UK are Jehovah's Witnesses and don't speak to us, as I decided to leave the religion.
I'm really sorry for the sadness and hardship people on this site have experienced. But life is a journey, and sometimes we have company on the journey, and sometimes we are on our own.
But at least this site gives us all the chance to encourage and support each other through the tough times. It has certainly made a big difference to me.
Although I live in perhaps one of the most beautiful places in the world, if you are in an abusive relationship, it may as well be raining all the time. Today, I noticed the blue sky and sea, and sunshine, as if for the first time.
Best wishes to everyone on this site.
Hello moving on and Laume and welcome from me to One space
Hope that you both take a look around the site and post on the other threads if you wish too. Everyone on here are really supportive, however recent the break up.
Laume i like how you have discribed leaving your relationship to the tangled movie, you are so right. On a high one minute and low and missing them and wondering where it all went wrong the next!
I was wondering if you had any friends or other support where you are? is it possible that you could return back to the U.K?
I have put a link here to the Freedom Programme, it looks at empowering women who have been in a domestic abuse situation.
Look forward to chatting soon
Hi Laume, welcome along to One space. I know you say you aren't on speaking terms to your family, but would you consider moving back to England, or is New Zealand now your home? How is your son handling the separation? I look forward to 'chatting'. Take care, and enjoy the beautiful weather, it's damp, and cold here Yuk!
Hi moving on, how difficult to have him living so close and with all the pain HE is carrying. How are the children?
Hi Laume, welcome to One Space and thank you for your fabulous post! I read it and felt thrilled that you have felt supported by us, especially as you live on the other side of the world. Of course moving back to the UK is an option, but DON'T DO IT!!! It sounds as though you are suddenly waking up to the wonderful world that we live in and you are feeling liberated and what better place to do that in but NZ!
You were very articulate about your feelings and emotions and it sounds as though the counselling is being great for you and your boy, how is your son?
Hello to you both from me too.
Lovely post Laume.
Moving on, I know how difficult I'd find that...
Hello moving on,
I have already sent you a personal reply through the Ask the Expert feature, glad you have come on the boards as there is loads of support here from everyone.
Hi Laume,
Loved your post. I am glad that you have felt empowered to take this decision now, I know it was difficult for you but it's great that the counselling has helped. Well done to you!
Hello all = and crikey!! I've only skimmed the first page of posts on this board so far = what an amazing mix of people!! If someone compiled a book of all the experiences on this board it would be a best seller, and no doubt sae a lot of people from going crackers! I've already had the good fortune to meet some of you through another thread, but to everyone else - 'Hi" :o). I live in North Devon, and have two daughters, one 20 and at uni, the other 15 on Monday :o) I left my husband 6 years ago when I realised there was something wrong between him and my eldest daughter. We're only finally divorcing - as I always had a decent job, but raising two girls on my own and living in priately rented accommodation I couldnt afford all the fees. I was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis in 2009, and was made 'redundant' from my role within a national youth charity and wound up living in a commune :o) I was lucky enough to be offered a farm cottage on the estate of the big house we lived in when I could no longer manage all the stairs = and in terms of housing ive never been happier = tho I do feel guilty about being on Housing Benefit and Working Tax Credits (I read Tarot cards over the internet now because I can do it from home and it doesnt matter if im wobbly or looking like poo!), but then I worked my butt off for 25 years while I was healthy, so needs must and all that. I've had to attempt to go through mediation to settle the financial matters of the divorce, and am waiting to hear whether my ex will respond (we dont have contact, though he speaks to his daughter, and she visits once a year - he lives the other side of the country). If he says no then it'll have to go to court and take months. Meanwhile I'm activiely lobbying government to rethink the law on assisted dying. I dont intend doing it yet :o) but do think I should have the right to, without traveling to Switzerland, if my symptoms continue to proceed in the way they have the last 6 months. I realise its a contentious issue, and am happy to be bickered with :o)
Oh and I have a horse thats out on loan because I cant manage her any more, and she has a lovely foster home, 8 e battery hens, and 2 amazing dogs.
Anyway, you all sound amazing = have a fab long weekend. omg. xx
Hello omg, I know we have chatted lot already but this is to officially welcome you to the site
Hi Im Happy Mamma
I know Ive spoken to a few of you already but here we go for thoes of you who dont know me..................... *deep breath (i will keep it short)
mummy to 4 beautiful children (3 ladies and 1 man) my 3 ladies have provided me with 3 lil grandsons.
I was a young mum working full time 2 failed relationships both violent (married the 2nd one - how stupid)
My girls are young mummies too the 2 eldest both working and the youngest finishing her a levels.
Im in a very good relationship now. Its taken me a long time to trust again as both my exs had affairs.
The CSA is the bain of my life. I have an harrassment warning on my ex.
To top it all i suffer from panic attacks and i dont sleep - i still work full time and been with the same company over 12 yrs.
Life hasnt been easy and things still pop up and kicks me down but not for long - im a survivour and everyone on here is too.
I found this site and I love it and everyone on it.
HM x
Hi happy mamma you are already a very valued member of this site and we are here to support you and also we are glad that you can help others with your own experiences.
Sorry to hear that your sleep is still disrupted, do you think it is all the stress you have had and have you found anything that helps? My friend is not a good sleeper and she now does a meditation last thing at night and then gets into bed with her book, and although she wakes about five in the morning, she does now get six hours sleep, which is a big improvement.
Hi My name is K, I'm 44 and live in kent with my 17 year old daughter (who has aspergers) and my 15 year old son.
I'm new to all of this and an struggleing
Hi sheppeylady, thank you for introducing yourself, I look forward to chatting to you more on other threads.
In the initial stages it is usual to find ourselves struggling, but there is a process that you will go through - and we can support you through, so be kind to yourself and know that the journey ahead will throw all sorts at you, but you are not alone - you have us
Hello again.
Thanks for the good wishes. I decided I will go back to the U.K. I am leaving on 12th July. I will be moving into our home until my ex insists it is sold. He is trying to scare me by saying I will not cope, and will have to come back to NZ. He also told me today that his mother had said: "I hope she doesn't come to me for money." I felt really insulted. I would never, ever, go to her for a hand out under ANY circumstances. Between her son and her, I feel totally humiliated. I have a friend who has moved into the house and she will rent out a room, which should help with bills. My ex said today he will give me £150 a week to look after our son, but he doesn't want me to have anything. He said I had spoiled the marriage myself.
I have decided to go back because me ex comes over and hassles me for an intimate relationship...and belittles me in front of my son. My son is really looking forward to going home.
Although I am excited, I am a little concerned after my ex's fear mongering. But, hey...it will be an adventure!
Best wishes to all of you who are struggling to be free from abusive relationships.
Happyness to you all.
Laume
xx
Hi Laume, it is good to hear that you are coming back to the U.K, and Laume you will cope on your own, i can just imagine how excited your son is, but i have to ask about the reasons that you say you are coming back for, is it purely to get away from his abuse? will you have support when you get back to the U.K? is your ex likely to came back to the U.K.?
Abusive men use all manner of different tricks to control women, did you look at the link for the Freedom Programme that i gave previously, if not take a look here
Hello,
Yes, I am going back to get away from the abuse. My ex has told me I will not be able to manage and will have to come back here. I have started doing the Freedom Programme today. Before, I thought because I am not being physically abused, it wasn't really meant for me. I have been told so many times that "I wrecked the marriage." Today my ex told my son "Mum has a sharp tongue", and he told me his mum won't give me any support when I return home. I have a friend who will pay me some rent. My ex says he will support our son, but I am not to think I will get anything from him for myself as it was me that is leaving by choice. But I dont think I have a choice. I cant live like this. He tells me he doesnt love me and has harrassed me for sex...and I say NO and I tell him to leave. But he is getting so angry....we only have two weeks though....only two weeks. God, I can't wait to get away! I know I am not in danger, but it is "doing my head in." lol!
Actually, my ex says he will come back to the UK at some time to visit his relatives. He says he will come to our house if and when he wants to because it is his house and he can do what he likes.
Actually, it sort of is my fault we are separated. He is addicted to porn and I was worried because my son saw something inappropriate. We had lots of arguments and I had enough....he was also really unpredictable, and kept telling me how useless I am. And he was so angry if I needed money to visit the doctor. Well, there are lots of things really that have made life here such hell....without him, it would be a great place to live, and I have some friends...even though he tells everyone that I am socially inept and nobody likes me. I have lovely friends and they think I'm great.
I wouldn't have decided to go back to the UK myself...because I thought I HAD to stay to make sure my son was close to his father. But the counsellor interviewed my son...and talked with me, and told me that under the circumstances, she felt we would have a better life if we returned to England. My son and I discussed it, and he said it is what he wants. Although my ex cannot see it, he has manaed to alienate his son as well. I would never encourage a child to leave his father....but my son has asked me: "If you die, please make it so I don't have to live with Dad. And...make out a will because I don't want him to have control over me!" Yes...my son is a gifted child. In some ways, that helps....He is never taken in by my ex's lies...he has encouraged me to leave and start again.
Hi Laume
Sounds as if some legal advice would also be good if you have not already had this. Don't forget you can contact our Legal Expert with any queries.
hi im jayne, very newly separated and finding it quite hard going, i have 4 children but the 2 youngest are from this marrige one has special needs. so trying to explain things to him is difficult.
my ex is moving to spain with his new gf and by posting stuff on fb to get a reaction is quite hard to take.
Hi jayner.
I spoke to you on the other thread - glad the advice from our expert was useful to you.
It does feel really difficult when you first split from a partner, no matter what the circumstances.
Its good to have you on the boards - hope you'll find the support helps.
Hi Laume - reading your posts I wonder if you're thinking your thoughts (it's sort of my fault....) or thinking your ex's thoughts? I found it incredibly difficult at first to separate the two.
i wish you the best of luck with your move!! I have a file with stuff about our move, which I've named 'adventure'. I thought it was more appropriate than 'OMG I'm sooo scared!' 
I'm sure things will work out and I'm so glad we've both found this site xx
hi there
ive joined as im unsure what to do with my life at the moment. I have two small children under 3, my relationship with my partner hasnt been too good now for some month, ive said many a time over the past year, we either need to work at our relationship or you need to leave.. once a month go out do something together, sit and have a meal or wine in the kitchen, make more of an effect in the bedroom, which is him not me... but over the last few months i found his phone bills to be high, £80 - £195 - £80.. he put a lock on his phone so i couldnt see, and since i run all the bills the business everything i asked him to contact o2 so i could check his bill... it was all Premier text messages - he swore he hadnt done anything, he kept pressing stop... so like a stupid fool, i believed him and with it being so much money i thought id email o2, and Blue Steam to complain - the weekend of the 22nd july i wanted to take him away for his bday, my folks live up north so drop them off for a night then go to a seaside of somewhere - spend time together something we havent done in years. he said his mates wanted to take him to brighton for his 40th...this bday was his 42nd.. i wasnt happy as they havent been in his life for the last two years and if they wanted to take him away for his 40th then why didnt they...
so instead of spend time with me he went to brighton, blue stream called me to tell me he had activited there accounts several times, i got him on the phone to verify this, she confirmed the £137 was spend 22nd July in Brighton between 3 - 7am apparently he said he was in the toilet and didnt relise it cost money.... otherwise he wouldnt of done it..
he doesnt understand that im hurt that he would rather watch porn that be with me, make the effect with me, spend a weekend with me.. lied to me, made me look a complete fool, and says most men do it whats your problem...
im sacrifying all my wages nearly for nursery to work 25 hours, £210 aweek i pay, my family live up north.. i need to no what funding if any im entitled to, i keep calling housing benefit and get a mail box or full mail box. i said we are over he said fine but hes not moving out..
i love him but hate him, fed up of feeling like crap feel like im in a hole where i cant get out. can i afford rent on my own with the girls nursery etc, or do i have to quit my job and move home to somewhere i havent lived for over 10 years. and have hardly any friends. but family, here i have friends but no family...
i sometime just wish he would relise what he has and will lose, but i think cos ive threatened it so many times this year he thinks here we go again... but im in a no win win situation...
advice help anything would be nice
hi there
ive joined as im unsure what to do with my life at the moment. I have two small children under 3, my relationship with my partner hasnt been too good now for some month, ive said many a time over the past year, we either need to work at our relationship or you need to leave.. once a month go out do something together, sit and have a meal or wine in the kitchen, make more of an effect in the bedroom, which is him not me... but over the last few months i found his phone bills to be high, £80 - £195 - £80.. he put a lock on his phone so i couldnt see, and since i run all the bills the business everything i asked him to contact o2 so i could check his bill... it was all Premier text messages - he swore he hadnt done anything, he kept pressing stop... so like a stupid fool, i believed him and with it being so much money i thought id email o2, and Blue Steam to complain - the weekend of the 22nd july i wanted to take him away for his bday, my folks live up north so drop them off for a night then go to a seaside of somewhere - spend time together something we havent done in years. he said his mates wanted to take him to brighton for his 40th...this bday was his 42nd.. i wasnt happy as they havent been in his life for the last two years and if they wanted to take him away for his 40th then why didnt they...
so instead of spend time with me he went to brighton, blue stream called me to tell me he had activited there accounts several times, i got him on the phone to verify this, she confirmed the £137 was spend 22nd July in Brighton between 3 - 7am apparently he said he was in the toilet and didnt relise it cost money.... otherwise he wouldnt of done it..
he doesnt understand that im hurt that he would rather watch porn that be with me, make the effect with me, spend a weekend with me.. lied to me, made me look a complete fool, and says most men do it whats your problem...
im sacrifying all my wages nearly for nursery to work 25 hours, £210 aweek i pay, my family live up north.. i need to no what funding if any im entitled to, i keep calling housing benefit and get a mail box or full mail box. i said we are over he said fine but hes not moving out..
i love him but hate him, fed up of feeling like crap feel like im in a hole where i cant get out. can i afford rent on my own with the girls nursery etc, or do i have to quit my job and move home to somewhere i havent lived for over 10 years. and have hardly any friends. but family, here i have friends but no family...
i sometime just wish he would relise what he has and will lose, but i think cos ive threatened it so many times this year he thinks here we go again... but im in a no win win situation...
advice help anything would be nice
Hi grannie b, welcome to One Space, how painful for you to find this out in that way.
It sounds as though you were still prepared to keep fighting for the relationship, but this last event in Brighton has broken you.
By asking you what your problem is, is very selfish, if you are hurting, regardless for what reason, we expect our partners to listen and respect our feelings.
Does your partner work? Will he be paying for the £137?
Having 2 small children it will be tough living on your own, but you can do it
To find out which benefits you are entitled to, feel free to email our Benefits advisor or you can have a look at Turn2Us Benefits calculator.
Do you live in rented accommodation? Would you consider actually kicking him out? Ie bagging up all his stuff and taking it to a family friend?
I think you need some head space from him, is there anywhere you or he could stay for a couple of weeks?
Hello kt bell
Welcome along!
It is certainly true that all this coming and going could be confusing to the children, and above all children find conflict difficult between their parents.
As far as the house goes, you need to find out where you stand. Email our Housing Expert for advice (click here to email) Once you have that information you can have a think about what to do, and then take some legal advice, we have a Legal Expert too.
hi am not sure what to say as this sight seems to be aimed at single parents. I am still married but in an abusive relationship (Mentally mainly) and have been for 14 yrs. I want to make the break but as of yet not plucked up the courage. Too many factors keep jumping out and standong in my way. I have been told I will one day have this courage but it seems so far away.
Hello ebonie and ivorie
Yes we are a single parent site but we also support parents who are leaving (and preparing to leave) relationships. How old are your children?
Have you had any contact with Women's Aid? (click to see) Abuse is abuse, even if it does not involve physical violence. You can feel very isolated in an abusive relationship and Women's Aid understand that it is not always possible/practical to leave straightaway, you could contact your local service and talk about how you are feeling.
Remember to cover your tracks if you are looking things up on the Internet/making phone calls. See this page for guidance
Hi ebonie and ivorie and welcome from me too!
One day you will find the courage and it may well happen when you least expect it. So keep believing in yourself and knowing that you deserve better than this. Freedom is not as far away as you may believe and there is a lot of help out here if you need it.
Take care of you
womens aid put me in contact with this site and told me to do the freedom programme on line due to being unable to get the time of work. my children are no longer at home my daughter got housed because of her father she was on the verge of doing herself harm of him.. I am financially tied at the moment and do so wish i wasnt. I cant do anything about that so am stuck where i am.
thanks for that wmoens aid told me to be positive bit hard to do at times.
Hi ebonie and ivorie, your right it can be really difficult to be positive all the time when your in an abusive relationship, once you have done the Freedom Programme and with support from agencies like Womensaid you will hopefully start to feel more positive more off the time, this will take time though and hopefully it will give you the boost you need to leave.
You say your financially tied right now, do you have someone that you can stay with until you get back on your feet?
hi no not really havent told all family yet what is going on and they all have families themselves. I also have to cats which are not a yr old and they are of great importance to me never been anywhere other than breeder and home. They say bored thrm but not happy to do that. Finacially cant afford too rent and get place to take my furniture which was a 50th gift from my mum solid oak so not leaving it with him ( bitter yes but why shouldnt i be) lots of things holding me back. I have savings but that is if the car breaks down and mots etc need car for work need work for money vicious circle catch 22 situation.
Hi again
Yes the finances can be a real sticking point, especially if you have no children and therefore any benefits you may have received will be less as a result. To see the link to the Freedom Programme, click here.....let us know how you get on.
Thank you so much Anna...I didn't know about SPIN...I'll go and take a look...thanks....