This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hope you are enjoying your time with your daughter, Symonds1234. Can I ask whether you receive Disability Living Allowance?
How dreadful to be accused like that! That sounds like a "friend" to give a wide berth to!
Hi Symonds1234,
What an awful experience for you, lousie is right you certainly don't need friends like that.
Hope you're enjoying being with your daughter
hi, just completed the programme and couldnt get to the page where i could request the book?
found the course useful and empowering and though my childs father wasnt violent, i have been able to understand how his abusive outbursts are linked to his loss of power such as when i've challenged his behaviour.
he is a counsellor, and very good at lieing and being manipulative. since his last outburst on xmas eve when he was shouting at me that i should of had an abortion (child is 2!) i have communicated to him via email only.
he lives a 90 min train journey away and says this limits when he sees our child. so insists on skyping him, this was on an ad hoc basis, on his terms.
a week ago he came to the conclusion k needs consisistancy, not in having actual contact, but by seeing his dad on skype, and that he wants to skype every morning.
i felt this is about power and control by him, so responded to his email with no, 2 days a week is sufficient. i got a call from him telling me my email was passive aggressive and that i need to take responsibilty, and that he has no control.
i wanted to point out that i have never stopped him having contact with his son, it is him that chooses to only see him a weekend every couple of months, that skyping isnt fatherhood, and i take full responsibilty for my son in every way as he wont pay maintence.
the freedom programme has given me the ability to see what he is doing is manipulative, yet i still felt weak, find myself questionning if it is me and not able to say what i wanted to say as i knew it would lead to yet another outburst.
i did however calmly say the convesation is going nowhere and hung up the phone, mildly empowering i guess.
Well done, that was an assertive thing to do! 
I will mention to Anna that you had trouble requesting the book, ok?
Skype every morning does sound like a big thing for you to have to organise with a two year old. Pretty unrealistic, thinking about how two year olds are!!!! Don't let your son's dad give you a load of counselling-speak. I agree consistency is paramount but far better as you say to actually have human contact, I am sure this would be possible more than every eight weeks.
Just a side note: he refuses to pay maintenance? Have you thought about involving the Child Support Agency? Have a look here (click the link)
Hi Chocolate eclair (yummy name by the way)
I also found the freedom programme empowering. My ex wasn't violent either, but he was very manipulative and emotionally abusive, this continued after we divorced. I got the courage to be more assertive as I was able to see his behaviour for what it was and distance myself from it.
Well done you for for not agreeing to the every day skype thing and for putting the phone down when the conversation was going now where. Sometimes you are better off not saying the things you want to say, especially if it is likey to cause an outburst from him, leave him with his anger, if you don't respond he will have to deal with it. I know its hard as I struggle with that too, but I find telling my friends what I wanted to say, or coming on here and letting off steam helps.
chocolate eclair
Well done for reckonising the emotional malipulation. The phone call wasn't an accident, it works in so many ways. First nothing is written down, so your word against his.Second is that he knows it will uspet you and he has probably managed to get all he wants in the past doing this.
It is only natural to question what you are doing. It will and does feel strange as new understanding of what is good adult behavour is and what is control. I still go to complete pot when my ex still uses the tactics he has, always in a slight different way. But as my solicitor said, you are a good bloody good mother and you won't let anything bad happen to your children and as such he will use that. He continues to do so, I continue to learn and to grow and hurt like mad.
There are also the smoke screens and mirrors, that are used. The accuations made towards you anything to throw off anyone looking at thier behavour, especailly you.
As far as Skype is concerned. If you are comfortable offer to try it out for a period.
Write it like a business plan.
Offer times that suit you. You have to take into account his ability to be able to meet those times. This way you are being reasonable.
Suggest that these should only be supplimentary to that of actually spending time with his child.
Expect back the response of a teenager who does not get their own way and feels like they are being picked on.
Next bit make sure everything is being put in writting. If he calls you up, keep a diary of that phone call.
If you agree something send it to him in writing.
The moment he calls you and demands an answer, response calmly say I will concider the pionts you have made and I will get back to you in writiing by (and give a date). Then terminate the phone call.
CSA. I had one of those, took a hell of a lot of courage to contact the CSA to go and get him. The one thing I found out from that was he had always been lying to me about not having any money. Just because they pay doesn't mean they are being responsible. Responsiblity is done on actions that they chose not actions that they are made to do.
Remember just think stroppy teeanger who things the world owes them a living. Helps me deal with mine x
Suneagle,
That is a fab idea for future phone calls: "I will consider the points you have put to me and will get back to you in writing by X date, thank you, goodbye" I LOVE IT!! 
I like the idea of thinking about your ex as a stroppy teenager 
i will have to store that one for future reference.
My ex displays very teenagerish (if thats a word?) behaviour, its great advice.
I think it could be a word PQ.
If we say it often enough it could be added to the dictionary....
Hi everyone, nice to see this thread being used, making up new words and all!
chocolate eclair, log in and go to Freedom Programme (click) then Resume course, this will take you to the final page, where we request you complete an evaluation form and then you can request your book!
Any more problems, let us know, glad that you have found it useful, will you find a face to face group locally?
I miss my freedom program group :( I think they should extend it in future :) just in case we miss something .... :-)
X
Are you in touch with any of the women, IDT? I was thinking you could have a monthly coffee meet.
12 out of 16 women had their children returned from care after doing the Freedom Programme, see this article: http://twitdoc.com/27EX
It is always good to read a positive story
What a positive outcome.
The one thing that really gets to me is the way abusers can throw these accusations around and when the abused ask for help, they are the ones who are punished though the system.
If it wasn't for volunteer support groups, solicitors, judges etc who are clued in (all of mine weren't) and online resources. Think how many more people these abusers still hurt.
Mine is still trying and will I believe until one of us isn't around anymore, the difference is how I amd my support network react.
You are absolutely right suneagle (nice to see you again by the way! ), there are far too many uneducated professionals working with domestic violence cases, which exasperate the situation rather than help vulnerable people.
Hello,
I am new to this site.
I have just completed the online freedom programme. I have been divorced for 5years now and my ex has been taken me to court over custody of children every 1-2years. It has been an exhausting process especially as I always had to prepare and represent myself in court (scary as well!). Although I already received some brilliant help from women's aid when we split, this programme has even more opened my eyes, especially why he takes me to court again and again. What I really really miss though is a "tool for a way out". Everytime I try to become independent and start my teacher training (3rd time this time), he takes me to court and I ultimately can't keep up with the work/stress load and have (!) to give up. I really feel I do not get enough understanding from my training provider either so ultimately I get no choice but to give in. It feels frustrating when all I do is work so hard and such long hours for it to get destroyed again- he wins and gets control each time and I do not find a way out! I so want a career to be able to become independent and look after my kids!
Each time we have to go to court, it is damaging to the children as they have to go through hell!
Am I not at the end of the journey yet, is there still some more for me to learn? Plus the question why me...still?
Hello Gabs you are very welcome here
As far as I am aware, there is very little you can do to prevent your ex going to court. It is pretty unlikely that a judge would rule that he would "never" have to right to take this to law again.The one good thing is that Legal Aid will not be available to him...although if he has plenty of money then I guess that won't be a major obstacle to him. whilst I understand you want to represent yourself, it is worth getting a professional "take" on it to see if there is anything preventative you CAN do. You can get some free legal advice from our own expert on here, click here to email him privately.
I feel sad that your plans keep being thwarted. Does their dad see the children at all? Is it possible to have a different approach to the training and do some modules individually, or through Home Learning or the Open Uni, so that you are still making progress towards your goal? As the children get older it will also be easier to do more things for you, despite the behaviour of their dad, and the other good news is that the childrens' views about contact with their dad/where they want to live will be taken into account more and more. Let us know what the legal expert says
Hi I am just about to start session six and to be perfectly honest am really scared about doing it as I know it will be painful, I hadn't realised just how abusive my ex had been, I thought our relationship was normal as he was my first love and my first relationship. I know I can finish this course but it is painful as it is reminding me of all the things that he had done that I thought was OK but now realise it isn't. I feel like a fool. And I don't understand why he has had such a hold on me.
Hello pigginkidz
Your feelings about this are completely understandable, and many women have the experience of being shocked at what they discover about their past relationship. I remember going on a Women's Aid training many years ago when I first started doing this type of work, and my sudden realisation on that course that my husband had been sexually abusive was deeply shocking to me and I just wanted to be sick.
However, I do want to assure you that these feelings are all part of the process. After all, if we did NOT have these feelings, it would be much more difficult to sustain our resolution never to be involved with that person again, and never to have another abusive relationship.
You are certainly not a fool. As to why he had such a hold on you, well that is part of what happens. if it didn't then we would have found the strength to walk away long before we did.
Keep up the good work, don't be afraid of the emotional process you are going through, it is actually very healing (though I understand it does not feel that way at the moment) and also please be assured that there are many, many good and non-abuisive men out there
Hello pigginkidz
I was also surprised looking back over my marriage to discover that things I had just accepted were infact abusive. I found it very hard at the time. Keep going and chat on here if you are finding things difficult.
hi well i have done freedom programme twice now, it has been of great help to me, the judge even praised me in court for seeking out freedom programe off my own back, i hope my ex doesnt take me back court, i no he as to do alot work bfore he can even take me back to court, plus i cant see him even affordin to take me back, so we wil see, i dotn think i cud go thru stress of goin thru court again
Hello. Just registered on the site as want to do the freedom programme online but can't access it for some reason. Left my violent and manipulative husband just over 2 years ago when my kids were 3 and 5 and he used to leave them alone when the was supposed to take care of them while I was working. Back to court next week. He is on dom violence perpetrators programme after admitting abuse (except multiple rapes) when cps decided not in public interest to prosecute him for abh. Apparently if he completes this course he gets a second chance and the slate is wiped clean! All the lies he has told to court and the fact he us a drug dealer and drug taker who threatened me with a sawn off shotgun is irrelevant. Cafcass decided my daughter wants to see him and she was very keen when I wasn't there so I must be coaching them. Both in tears tonight when I said they might have to see him again after 2 years. They don't even want the presents he has sent but cafcass insist they do. Feel so worn down. He is still manipulating my life after everything.
Hello Jfen72
Welcome along, and sorry to hear you have been having trouble with the online Freedom Programme. Try clicking here and if that does not work, let us know!
Your situation sounds so difficult, we have seen on here quite a few people who have had the epxerience of the abuse not being properly dealt with byu the authorities and despite abuse, contact with the children being facilitated. Where are you at in terms of court, eg has contact been "ordered"?
Back at court on Wednesday. Indirect contact been ordered so far. Have to give children presents he's sent but they don't want them. Cafcass saying I am telling kids what to say. They are just waiting for him to complete dvpp then he has a clean slate and direct contact will be ordered. Absolutely devastated. After last court date someone tampered with my car taking cover off gearbox and causing lots of damage and possible serious accident. Can't prove it was him so nothing anyone can do. Feels like police can't get him for anything and court giving him more chances even after he was in prison for fraud last year so is proven liar as well as lying to court. The system is awful.
Yes I agree it is awful. No-one seems to listen. We are here for you to talk to. Do you have support from a solicitor?
Solicitor very overworked so don't speak much. She was the one who told me yesterday about how completing dvpp gives him a blank slate and allows him direct contact. He is very clever and manipulative and is determined to stay in my life and control me. Has nothing to do with the kids as he didn't care about them before. I am also trying to hold down a high stress job to pay off all the debt he left me in and he has promised to bankrupt me through court, that's when he isn't sending creepy letters to kids pointing out he knows where I have been and what I've been doing.
Make sure you keep the letters and date them, and keep a record of all contact. I wonder if he will go through with the perpetrator programme? you say he is not bothered about the kids and so it seems that he is doing all this just to upset and worry you. Make sure you get some debt advice to see if things can ge rescheduled/interest frozen etc in the circumstances. The Citizen's Adivce Bureau are great at heliing with this but you may have to wait a while for an appointment.
I have gone into an IVA to get debt sorted for now. He is almost finished dvpp but as he has no real job and is an expert manipulator I'm not surprised but apparently that means he has definitely addressed his issues and will be a good father. He will manipulate and destroy the kids staying under the radar the whole time bcos that's what he does. No one listens to me us what it feels like.
Yes the whole point about a manipulative person is that they also manage to "manipulate" the authorities. However,I do think you need to start to buid a case with thatever you have..letters to the children, a dated record of calls and what was said. It may feel like small fry now but it's pretty likely he will slip up at some stage and you will be able to show a pattern of behaviour. I did this (different situation to yours) even though I was certain I would remember everything and in the right sequence but when the situation came to a head I looked back and had not remembered of half the stuff I had written (stress)
Well done for the IVA, that should keep things under control.
You may like to read our article about going to court with your abusive ex, click here to see it
Thanks louise but I did all that initially and even had a harassment warning issued by the police. He got wise to that and stopped sending letters and texting after he went to jail for fraud last year. He has only text me when he sent christmas presents (in January!) for the kids. He is wanting access so he can start contact with me again and keep tabs on e and get back in my head. Of that I have no doubt. Unfortunately he is manipulating Cafcass into believing he is a great genuine guy. For instance, tell them he is a drug dealer and user and their report says he denies ever having taken drugs in his life! I am starting to come across as paranoid and controlling while he looks like the poor hard done by nice guy who just wants to see his kids. I have to keep him away from them as they don't want to be anywhere near him but that's not what Cafcass believe.
Hi Jfen72, welcome to One Space and thank you for sharing some of your story. Unfortunately you are not alone with your situation and although right now there aren't any solutions, we are and will be here to support you through this.
Who else do you have supporting you? A local DV organisation? Do you have crime reports from any DV incidents? If so I believe you are entitled to Legal Aid.
Have you heard of Rights of Women? They can offer some really good relevant DVA legal advice. Scroll down this page on Legal Information and on the right there are very informative resources. They also have a Helpline, which can be really hard to get through to, but worth it if you have the patience.
Keep in touch, we are here for you and your children.
Hi anna. Thanks for the support. An am working with harbour in hartlepool and they have been great, even though I am now on my third different key worker as it's been ongoing for 2 years now. Although I hold down a quite high level job I find court really intimidating and am really scared each time I go both of seeing my ex again and the actual process and now Cafcass as well. I am getting some counselling through harbour but am only allowed another couple of sessions so the freedom programme is really helpful. Still feel about 10years old rather than 40 when I am in court though and shake and want to cry and can't say the things I know I need to. Dreading Wednesday again.
Hi Jfen72,
I know about the feeling 10. I'm just back from the courts again. This time he was taking me to REDUCE the amount of time he has with them because it was too much.
Last time a few years ago he managed to convince the social workers that I was mentailly unstable to get full custody along with other things.
And though he couldn't get full custody, he got joint with almost a 50/50 split. Just over two year later with me sending the kids (hardest thing I have had to do) we are just back out of court.
I kept my evidence, I stayed consistant and worked on getting me as healthy as I could when they were with him. So I could be strong for them.
Freedom program helped me so much.
Last time he had charmed everyone onto his side.
I was warned of the tricks where he would make sure he would be able to get legal aid and drag me through the courts etc.
I learnt about tricks he would do where he would suddenly be ill, not avaible when it was his weekend, but suddenly okay fro the weekdays so he looked good when it came to the school gates. All would take a toll on my working arrangements as well as any life I was trying to get back on me.
Share custody meant I would have to ask his permission if I moved back home, I do not live in driving distance to any of my family and I was isolated off when we were together.
I used to shake like a leaf most of the time and hate that I had to send my children off to my abuser. I worked on the only thing I could do, that was me. And I kept notes and emails and text, even when he became wise, until he forgot I would send him out emails and put them in a business way always asking for his suggestions. With the if I don't hear from you by x you are happy with what I have proposed. I could show that he was ignoring me and what I was doing was resonable and how parents are expected to behave with regards to sharing care of thier children.
And I made him where I could, this was normally when handover was through school have his children. I even turned up at contact time and had to ask his family where was he because I couldn't raise him. When they told me that he had said I knew he wasn't there I let slip that he had taken me to court to have his children for this and legally I'm not responsible for them at this time. he is someone who needs to look good, or the victim, so keeping his family slightly aware I think was an eye opener to them.
I could not have him turn around and say I refused to send them, refused him contact etc. For the only one who would be punished would be me and therefore my children even more.
Move on to now, he went back to court to REDUCED the amount of time with his children. Had I had the support I needed in place I would have taken everything he said to reduce that to supervised contact only. His poor me, I'm not well, no family support, she makes me feel like a second class parent, she forced my child to have an operation I did not agree to.... looked at first like a very resonable argument.And I can't have the kids for Saturday nights anymore or for holidays...blah,blah, blah. Still wanted joint custody though because that kept control over me.
Until I produced my evidence we started challengning him on it. Then he started to slip up. So he brought the courts social services in because after all the Social services last time were fully behind what a wonderful person he was. ! While none of the evidence was worth anything in real terms, it showed him to be inconsistant, a lier and not really caring about his children.
Which lifted the weight off me from the social workers and the courts adn the judge for the first time believe me. Didn't change a thing, but not having them on my back and being believed was huge. Seeing him and letting me know they see him for what he is and keeping things on file so if he ever wants to try to stope me moing or suddenly wants them back again for more has put him on a slim hope to nowhere.
I now have full custody, my children still see thier dad, or more to the piont the other people he has to look after them, which for me and them is far better.
He thought by only having them on week days would mess me up and he would be back in control. His legal team offer for him to consider having them at weekend if I paid him....He also thought he could keep joint custody and he thought he had the times where he could get all of the credit and not do any of the actual looking after.
Only a few weeks in and he is already telling me how hard things are for him and that he can't afford to buy new clothes for his children and that is why they come back to me in ones too small for them. Funny how he keeps all the ones I send them in...
So we are in the middle stage of extracting this man out of our lives. I expect give it a less than a year and he will bow out almost completely.
I wish you strenght and good luck on Wednesday.
It sounds like you have had a horrendous time! why do the courts have this idea that an abuser is just someone who is a thug? It's the charming manipulative ones that are the real danger- to us and kids. I will take your advice and stay consistent because he will mess up. That was the advice from the police as well when "someone" tampered with the gearbox on my car and almost killed me -he will mess up eventually. The kids are my while world and I wouldn't change having met him because I adore them so much. Always interesting though how the abuser moves on to another woman and personally I cant even think I will ever want another relationship over 2 years after leaving. As a mother all I want to do is keep my kids safe and well and they are - doing really well at school, very happy, lots of friends. I juts don't get why the court thinks they are missing out when they don't see their father as they are so happy! have also started applying for jobs abroad to get way from the whole situation.
Make sure when you get a job else where you have everything in place.
ie that he has the chance to see his children on, he didn't turn up. Keep them keep emailing him with things. learn to talk about thier father in the 3rd sence as though it is a father of another child you talk to and don't really know this man.
Teach them about good and bad lies. I told mine that a good lie was something they wanted to keep, like a suprise present but a bad lie was something that someone else wanted them to keep. You can't deviate from this so have to be prepared not to tell them, don't tell daddy, even if it is for their own good.
When you find a new life for yourself and your children, have everything ready to show that this is the best for the children and that you are perpared for them to have skype time with him, the odd holiday and look you haven't kept his children from him, he chose not to see them.
I've been lucky I mine is scared of the law and likes to look like the sunshines out of his ass or the victim.
My goal is to get him into the place where I think of him as a non identiy, not quite there yet because when he tells them he has no money for them or they come home saying they made daddy cry because he can't give them a child friendly upbringing, yet he can go on holidays, party and buy himself new stuff. It drives me mad. Working on that one.
Sounds like you have both had an awful time of it, but it also sounds like your both really strong women. The Rights of Women do offer really good advice.
I hope all goes well on Wednesday Jfen72.
Good luck tomorrow Jfen72, will be thinking of you.
I remember that feeling when going to court, as soon as you wake up in the morning keep saying to yourself I love and approve of myself, I deserve and will fight for the right to be happy.
A word of advice that helped me many years ago, direct all your answers to the judge, not to the person asking the questions.
I hope you have someone going with you? Let us know how you get on :)
Jfen72 I have been in a similar situation where my ex was very controlling, manipulative and abusive. He abused mentally and then physically much later on. With us it has been a nightmare for nearly 3 years but the case is closed now and I do have full custody.
Although the Cafcass officer believed the children were abused the judge wouldn't have it and fired and replaced her. This next Cafcass officer became guardian and 'believed' my ex despite a lot of evidence and my children were not to be heard in Court 'as it would be traumatising' . I have had a harrassment warning against him which was discarded in Court, family being assessed by psychologist with deliberate lies and my own solicitors helping the judge move the case forward rather than helping my children. My children have done 6 months of a visiting centre every week (what biased reports) and I was very naive thinking the truth would come out by psychologist reports and these visits at the centre. The guardian would side with my ex and therefore it would be always 2 against 1 In Court. It was very traumatising in Court especially as my solicitors and barrister were alway 'busy' and a lot of info on my case was not communicated to me. Of course everything was communicated to him. I did seek a lot of help on this site, women's rights, websites (including the other side) and books of Lundy Bancroft were very helpful to try to understand what was happening to me. It is awful what you are going through, but please hang in there as they will keep making mistakes as over time they show who they are even if protected at first in Court, as judges want children to visit no matter what. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and please communicate on here because we might be able to recognise patterns and help you. Sending you light xx
Thank you sky flower. Has all been a nightmare to be honest. At court the judge made me go in and face ex which has not happened before and my barrister says that in 15years they have not known it because it wasn't an actual court it was just sitting round a large table. I was a mess and I had a last minute replacement barrister who didn't know me and didn't know case well. The judge is obsesses end with just getting this out of court because it has taken 3years which is all due to my ex holding things up but the judge blamed us both and my barrister didn't know enough to speak up. Judge awarded fortnightly indirect contact for 8 weeks the. Back to court to check he has completed dvpp then 6 weeks of weekly supervised contact then back for final hearing, all as per Cafcass report which was written the night before court and 2 months after seeing kids. Devastated doesn't cover it! Now find that indirect contact was to be CafcaSs forward letters or cards but the officer is so concerned about me lying and saying kids had them or don't want them that she is going to come round and hand deliver them and speak to the children. She came last night and felt unwanted and in the way in my own home. Have filled out caf form with school to get counselling for kids as they are very upset especially because the contact will be supervised by core assets but will be for 2hours on a Saturday for 6 weeks from nothing. Also they have activities most of Saturday so that should colour how they feel about seeing him as well if they have to give up one of those. He is seen as reformed by the court and a lovely man while I am a controlling ex with a grudge. Frustrated.
Sorry to hear that things did not go so well in court Jfen72, how annoying that there was a barrister change at the last minute, at least this was not a final hearing.
Suneagle it sounds to me that the authorities have him pegged to, maybe in his head he will always be the victim etc, but those are his choices not yours, it sounds like you have made some changes to your thought patterns which are helping you, just a shame for the childrens sake that he has been unable to do the same.
So very sorry you have to go through this, and Suneagle has written so well about her own case to show you examples that you can use. So glad she is of help.
There are times it is just a small room and you will be sitting at the same table, which is when it is just an update essentially. It is the more important hearings (Fact Of Find Hearing, Urgent Hearing) that will be held in normal Court rooms. At least in my case.
I know they make you feel bad and humiliated and they do this to hope you submit to what they want you to do, which is to be happy to bring your children to their dad for all the visits that he wants and talk very positively about him, ignoring your children's feelings completely.
The visiting will be a hard thing to do for you and at all times you will have to show how willing you are for your children to visit and to be seen to be talking very positively to your children about seeing dad. Sometimes there are cameras. The reports about the visits might be accurate, or reflect what the guardian wants. Although the guardian is to be there for the best interest of the children and uses the children's solicitor, barrister, she can just follow what the judge wants her to write. It is handy to bring a toy that they like with you.
When my children went to the visiting centre after they had not been seeing him for 1 year and had only indirect contact, they had to go every Saturday for 2 hours and were very distraught afterwards, terrible behaviour screaming shouting and unable to sleep, nightmares, did not dare to sleep by themselves anymore. Our weekends were destroyed for 6 months.
I have had that the guardians report was not on time. Twice we had to read it whilst in Court, the guardian stating that the line manager had not approved the report yet but she had been on time. I think it is so you can not prepare properly and there is always something pointed out in there to which then you cannot properly reply. And then it becomes a fact, when your barrister has not objected to it. To whatever you don't agree with, have your barrister object to it and you can later always appeal to it. Otherwise it becomes fact.
I was later accused of alienating the children, factitious illness, 4 mental illnesses. I now have full custody after 3 years of Court, and my children who are now 13 and 10 do not have to visit thanks to what he said to the Social Workers in the end. Courses or not and very clever in manipulating, perpetrators always make mistakes and over the years the professionals do get fed up with their behaviour.
Big hug to you xx
Thank you all. I am trying to stay positive but really can't be all happy and smiling about their father as I am still terrified of him. Dreading august when the access will start. My 6year old boy has wet the bed any time he talks about him and won't be alone in a room in the house now because he is so scared. I made a bad choice of husband and father but wouldn't swap having my kids for anything but the law seems to be against the survivors of domestice abuse. I have told the kids that the court will get to know how they are on the supervised access to work out if they do really want to see him so they can just be honest and I will support them no matter what. Its all I can do for now.
Jfen72 Been there, still there with some of the things, good advice from Skyflower.
Get woman's aid on board, I found saying that womens aid do not advice any mediation with an abuser and while I am happy to negotate I won't do it in the same room as him but I am happy for shuttle mediation.
Work on you, work on your health, your sleep, learning to have good people around you. That way you become better at dealing with the emotions of your children.
And its okay to cry in front of them, the same way as it is okay to laugh.
Hugs
it is so very hard as you just want to take their pain away and protect them, your children. but there is no way around it you have to go through this, however awful.
Suneagle is right with all advice given, would like to add that you should never ever say that YOU don't like something because of safety or other issues but always talk from the perspective of the children
((((((Hug))))))
After all these years I am still scared of him and it is so awful these little rooms, them sometimes holding the door open for you or waiting outside the building.
The problem with not being positive to your children, about visiting their father, is that then professionals can blame you for alienation and your children can then be awarded to the other side.
you must show that it is only the children and not you not wanting them to visit. You must show you are not influencing them in any way negatively.
I feel for you Carla as there is concern over the emotional abuse given to my son by his father when they have contact but we have been unable to completely stop contact, he sees him for 3 hours, once a month.
I hope it gets sorted quickly for you.