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I know Jfen, I know. I really feel for you, and it is a very good step that you are getting them councelling before the court appoints one psychologist that is maybe not in favour of you and then that can be used against you. You are very brave, if you follow threads on here you will find more people have gone through this very ordeal, you are not alone in this.
But they will get fed up with him, because when he sees all this in Court and the judge is backing him up and the guardian is backing him up, he will think that in Court they are in favour of him he thinks he is winning and it is then that he will start to make many mistakes in his overconfidence, as he believes it was approved what he did, or when he will get very angry when all of a sudden the balance shifts and they ask something that he won't like.
Cafcass probably knows what is going on, they have seen it all, but says this to try to get you to submit to what they want. Try however hard it is, (it is your life and your kids are at stake) to be an observer rather then living it and look exactly how they play it. Keep calm no matter what. If all of a sudden they come up with something and want an answer, say you were not aware of it but will pay attention, or that you do not know the answer to it yet, take your time before answering and remain very calm and stable.
Louise will be on here tomorrow, and she will have such very good advice
Hello Jfen it feels as if he is continuing the abuse via the authorities now!
The others have given you such sound information. I particularly liked Skyflower's comment about being an observer. This is massively difficult to do but a very effective technique. Looking at this objectively means taking the emotion out of it...and how can you take the emotion out of it when it involves the people you love best in all the world, your children? Nevertheless, if you want to know what would help then this is one of the most helpful things I can tell you, and the undertaking of it is down to you.
Did you read the article (I gave you a link) about going to court with your ex? (click) In that there are examples of how to present things about the children to CAFCASS. I would suggest as well as reading this and applying it to your situation, you could keep a journal of things like when your son wets the bed.
You must also get some ongoing support from Women's Aid.
All these things are very hard and challenging, jfen, but only you can take these actions. I do realise it's tough, and I sympathise greatly and will cheer you on from the sidelines!
hi i have bin thru court. my thread on ere on edge its called u can read it but it is long lol, anyway i had a good outcomer in court i was lucky, caffcass was brilliant and the judges were, my ex isnt allowed to see our 3 year old daughter at all, im sop glad they all saw thru my abusive ex, i have heard bad stories bout cafcass but they were brilliant with me thank god ,
Kiera has written 'it's on edge' which you can find under 'relationships and you'
Thanks Kiera. Read your posts and sounds like you had a terrible time with your ex. I had the same problem accepting I had been abused and went back to him after he smashed my face up and perforated my eardrum. Worked with local domestice abuse charity and reported him to police for this and the multiple rapes but cps decided not to prosecute as not in public interest and only then did he agree to admit to it all I. Court and go in perpetrators programme. He is now playing the reformed dad who just lives his children card. Cafcass believe him as does the judge. My 6 year old wet the bed again last night and now my 8 year old daughter is saying she probably doesn't want to see him but since court says she has to she will just go with it anyway. Her eczema bad though bcos of stress. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. He is mixed race of Sicilian and afghan and pointed out to me that this means he can hold a grudge forever and will never let me go. Scary thought when I have reported hi. To police for being a drug dealer who collects knives and has a sawn off shotgun and no one is totally sure where he actually lives.
hi yes i cant beleiev i took my ex back after he punched me in the face twic eand spat on me while we was on holiday abroad, holiday wot i paid for, i took him back alot times and called poilce alot, it cum out in court by cafcass tht he ws livin with his girlfriend and also ad 6 month old baby i new nothin bout, he let me down alot as well, he ade threats, harasse dme, he ad 2 harssment orders agianst him, ye sin court he lied alway thru, even denyin putin me in hospital abroad, cafacss did checks tho, he even used hair dye for hair strand test, he ad to do perpertartors course 26weeks, which he as done, as b drug free and crime free and ad no domestic violence, and go to counselling, he cant get legal aid so cant see him bein able to afford apply again, hes not allowed near me at all, he lives miles away thank god, im stil bit on edge now, incase i do see him, he wa sin club last sept and cum ryt upto me gave me eveil look, i avnt bin back to club incase, i dotn wnat see him, he also did fake profiles on facebook, my eldest dawter left cos of him,she hated him but i took him back, stil feel guilty bout tht, he ad indirect contact but thru 3rd party, but no1 as recieved anythin, hoepin he leave us alone now, so glad tho he got no contact
my ex as to b squeky clean bfore he can apply to courts again, he as to do alot work 1st, cant see him bein drug free at all, he cudnt even b drug free goin thru court, it cost thousands to go thru familyu court, he aint got tht sort money
Unfortunately for me my ex has got legal aid as has no job and was even in jail for fraud for half of last year. It's costing me thousands and he sent me a text before we went to court saying he would have every penny off me. When this ends he will just go back to drug dealing to have enough to keep dragging me back and stop me from trying to save some money and move on. He also has a kid with someone else but that was a one night stand when my littlest was a few months old. May even have more so why can't he just go and hassle them instead? His take on it is that our kids need him and deserve a relationship with their loving father. My take is he's living on a different planet if he thinks any of that is true!
my ex asnt got ajob but i stil got told legal aid as stopped in family cases and no way he b allowed legal aid, i wud b allowed legal aid cos of the violence i got told, thye all offerein mediation now, but in domestic violence cases u dont av to do mediation, i av indefiante non molestation order agianst my ex, and i av full residency of my little girl, i dotn undretsand ur ex getin legal aid whne it as stopped
my ex as long criminal record it all cum out in court, even did 6 years for wounding with intent, i didnt no bout it at all i got todl as well if i av anythin to do with ex again my kids at risk, i av 3 other children, hate him
I hated him at first but realised that was still giving him power over me. I am not going to waste my time or energy hating him just want him to go way so don't even have to think about him at all. He is irrelevant. I hate this situation and what he is doing now with his games so that I can never escape him but no matter what he can't win as I won't ever have him back and I am stronger now and have seen him for what he is. Hating him gives him power back. I am still trying to forgive myself for staying with him and not getting me and kids away sooner but hate is destructive so won't go there. It actually is probably the simplest and most effective way too retaliate against abusive men. Hate the situation but deal with it and keep moving forward but leave emotions about them behind (apart from the odd slip up) wherever possible. Is harder at the moment because trying to protect the kids but he is nothing to me now. The fear is harder to get away from but that's because it is also justified when they are unpredictable and unstable, no matter what anyone else may think.
ur right why shud i waste my energy hatein him, he did make my life hell and my kdis so i do hate him for tht, i dotn want to see him again, feel for woman hes with now, i stil do av tht fear if i ever wud see him, tht never really goes away x
I agree Kiera. The fear will never go away and the state of high alert you have to be in, like extra watchful. But like grief am guessing it will fade given time. We gave been through something very traumatic and I certainly can't see me ever trusting anyone again. Focused on doing the best for my kids and building a career. Both are positives and will hopefully cancel out all the negatives he keeps on bringing. All sounds good and often have days where I am a complete mess but am working towards being like that all the time. Move forward one step at a time x
Morning, both, it is good to support and encourage each other. Onwards and upwards for both of you!
Hi everyone! I am baby number 5! But you can call me bn5 
I have just started the Freedom Programme and wanted to come and introduce myself. We just did the headworker, I didn't really recognise the tactics in my ex but it was interesting anyway.
Look forward to chatting
Hi bn5 and welcome to One Space!
The headworker likes to make us feel unattractive, makes us feel like we are going mad ie: keeps asking us to explain ourselves as if we don't make any sense. He is sexist and can make us not like ourselves very much.
Every one is different, so it may be that your ex used other tactics to try and control you.
I am glad you found it interesting. Just looking at the Dominator image, which characters do you recognise?
Hello bn5 and welcome along to One Space from me too
Anna is right, everyone is different, i was in two abusive relationships, both used different tactics which is why i did not recognise it the second time, having now done the Freedom programme i can spot the traits early on.
Thank you Sally for saying that....I always felt so stupid for having done it twice
You are definitely not stupid skyflower because you also left them twice. It can be really hard to see the abuse when you are in the relationship and even after you leave. I am still finding new things even 2 years later that I hadn't recognised. Problem is I don't think I could ever trust anyone again to have a relationship as I am too scared of ending up with some sort of abuser again and gradually being pulled downwards like before. I think for bn5 it could take some time to realise the behaviour your abuser showed as often you have normalised so much of the emotional abuse during the relationship it takes time to realise that it wasn't normal and you deserve better.
Good luck
god i took my ex back countless times so i must b extremly stupid lol, and after he put me in hospital, he begged and pleaded, flowers, letters, txtx fonecalls, i fell for it and he worn me down, very silly
Not stupid at all. They are very clever and know all the right buttons to press. It takes a lot of courage to walk away and the courts etc make it even harder.
yes after all hassle of getin rid of him he then took me court, 7 hearing s and oen contested hearing very very stressfull, plus avin to see him in court, but he didnt get what he wnated which is very good, no access to our daughter, so yes we are very strong to go thru that
I believe we are all very strong women to have managed an abusive relationship, courage to leave and cope with the aftermath.
Jfen72, you mention that you don't think you can ever trust anyone again to have a relationship with. The first person the we need to trust is ourselves. When you look back do you recognise the times at the beginning of the relationship when you listened to him rather than yourself? The warning signs?
I remember my ex having an absolutely vile shouting match with one of his friends, I was really shocked but afterwards he explained how his friend had let him down, that my ex had been really hard done by and it wasn't his fault etc etc. Instead of running a mile from someone who would talk to one of their friends in such an abusive manner, I consoled him and despised his friend.
Now I trust myself, I listen to myself all the time, if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't - well not for me anyway!
O Kiera you made me laugh and I think you are so incredibly courageous
thank you JFen72 for explaining it like that, and you are so right Anna we have done all that which was a very hard thing to do and we did win in the end against all ods, just by sheer determination and wanting to protect.
You are right there are always signs you then justify and shouldn't I will run very hard when meeting other people like that....
tonight my son and a friend of his are matchmakers and are setting up a date between me and her father.....haven't been on a date since ages they make me smile for wanting to try :)
JFen72 they always behave very immaturely and not like a friend would, you might be able to recognise it now and we will help you with it xx
Your right Anna you do have to trust and listen to yourself, I can't count how many times i have ignored those inner feelings in the past, it mostly never ended well.
I think Skyflower makes an excellent point - we should be sharing our lives with a friend. Not our other half, our soul mate, just someone who is our friend, someone who's has our backs, who picks us up when we are down and also allows us to pick them up when they are down.
...and I would also like to say that when you have been in an abusive relationship it is natural to think "oh all men/women are like that" and shut yourself off from future possibilities. As Anna says, learn to trust yourself, but then know that there are plenty of good people out there and lots of possible happiness. Of course a new relationship might feel very different, as abusive relationships often start out very hearts and flowers and intense (otherwise how would we be drawn in?) whereas others may take longer to grow.
Week 8 I think of freedom today and it was truly destroying just gutted listens to about 10 mins and jeeze I feel drained sick numb and hurt wounded just hate me today my secret little box was chipped into today by staff talking my personal feeling trap was snagged I don't like it feeling angry and annoyed how dare she ..
Came out and didn't continue
so sorry you feel so bad today, big hug as here we are all your friends xx
Thanks honey how do I approach staff here about how I feel she came to see I was ok I didn't want to talk then
she did wrong and she knows it because she came to see if you were ok. Do you now feel you can talk about it with her or do you rather speak about it with another member of staff ? She had absolutely no right to do that particularly as you are in such vulnerable situation. Xx
You have the right to be respected and officially complain about this xx
I think you have done so well by leaving a terrible situation and you have brought yourself and your children into safety, is it because they suggest rehousing ? Xx
I want to talk to her about it she said I could just dont know how to start conversatioshes
she was talking about a situation and its close to what he did then it sparked off the other stuff I just couldn't handle it didn't expect it
They are supposed to know it can spark off all that he did as it has been so recent for you. Just let her know how much it has hurt you and that she has to be more careful as how she talks to you in future. She needs to know how sensitive this is, for you and also others as all of you have had similar experiences
It sounds like she has hit a sensitive spot, the anger is not at her it is all that happened that your angry with, your upset at her for making you look into the box that your protecting your feelings in, that is what the programme is designed to do, it can be very painful to deal with what you have in your box.
If your ready to talk to her you could just start by saying that the things they were talking about was upsetting for you, you may find that things kind of snowball from there and whatever you want to say will just come out. They will understand that you may not have been ready to talk when she first came to see you after the session.
Hi She Ra, Sally and I have run many Freedom Programmes together and separately. We have seen women share your reaction, it is often hard to hear things that we have manage to keep hidden so deep down, be talked about openly or written about on a piece of paper.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to the support worker. Be honest with yourself and also be honest with her if you can be. You are Safe now. It will be better to face this now full on whilst you have the support workers, rather than something being triggered 5 years down the line.
The Freedom Programme is difficult, harsh, it makes us look at ourselves and our relationship, our beliefs and our actions. But deal with this now, don't squash it down, its not going to go away. Isn't it better to let it go free than back into your box?
the freedom p is hard but great at the same time it has made me open up but that's a good thing I think
Hi She Ra, it is difficult, but it is good that you have opened up, it really shows how much progress you are making! What bit are you on at the moment?
It's king of the castle next week 9, I abadend least one and we missed one this Monday as staff shortage,
anna I'm ready to talk now just about
I read your post on the other thread, She Ra, hopefully now you have written things down that will help you.
Did you manage to speak with the staff you gave your letter to She Ra?
Hi She Ra
How was King of the Castle, did you recognise any of the tactics?
I really enjoyed working on becoming QUEEN of my castle, I still do!
hello i have just started doing the online freedom programme. well, i started it last year but i don't think my head was in the right place to do it. so, today i have started again from the beginning.
i found the section on the headworker the most difficult so far. this was my ex's main method. the one he used on a daily basis.
i realised doing this section that my self esteem is rock bottom. it's strange, professionally i know i'm good 
, personally i think i'm worthless. hmmmm. having a go at the assertiveness course too.
Hi seahorsey, welcome back to OneSpace and the FP. Let us know how you get on with it, we are having a few technical problems on the course at the moment, if you get stuck get in touch.
Funny you should struggle with the Headworker, I was just reading another post this morning that looks like a case study for how some people will go to such trouble to change others and 'make' them do things. And it all brought back nasty memories of a personal relationship with somebody who was never happy unless she felt she had 'made' me do it.
Hope you finish it it this time, it's such a good course, but don't worry if you have to come back to it later,it can take time to build a life back up....
Hiya
Im very new to this, so not to sure how it works or if im doing the right thing. I attended the freedom programme this year and have mixed reviews on it. Somedays it made me feel empowered and sometimes it made me upset - to think that what i had been through was actually real. Met some really nice ladies there though and would recommend it to anyone dealing with DV. It reassures you that you are not alone and makes you look at the bigger picture when it comes to your relationship and your life. Stay strong and safe ladies xx
alice6, hellooo and welcome to One Space Lovely to have you along, really pleased that you decided to post a review.
Yes I agree that some sessions of the Freedom Programme can be really upsetting, usually that is when something said has hit a nerve. That is what I love about it so much. That there is no more hiding, no more pretending the FP says it as it is and we can finally admit to stuff or realise that it isn't just us.
Knowledge is Power!
So alice6, now you have done the Freedom Pogramme what will you do next?
help!!!: freedom programme - Breaking the Rules, i dont understand it
Hi Vickie30, many people find this session confusing anyway, but I have just gone to look at the session and realise that it hasn't been written very well, so we will need to edit this. Thanks for pointing it out!
In a face to face group you would be given 'the rule' ie Women should stay at home and not have a life beyond the family', then as a group you would decide which persona would hold that belief ie: The Jailer, then you would give examples from your own experience or made up. With this online exercise you have been given the Rule and also which persona would use it, all you need to do is to think about how we might behave to therefore break that rule. eg: I joined a swimming club with an old school friend.
Does this help?
I am trying but Cafcass already believe I am influencing them negatively. I am trying to get them counselling for the violence And abuse they witnessed yet I am still supposed to be positive about them seeing him. The law is crazy!!