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Hi everyone,
Having a bad night here, my youngest 2 childrens fahter called my daughter tonight to tell her he has prostate cancer, not what you want to hear at 16, my daughter came straight down to me sobbing, took a while to make any sense of what she was saying, youngest son who is just 10 overheard everything, ears like a hawk, he was quite blase at first but is now in my bed something he hasnt done for so long, he is asleep now just in case you think me odd posting,just need to write it down I guess.
He had a stroke just over 12 months ago and is 73 so I`m thinking his age is against him really but I guess thats no an exact science is it?
I just wondered if anyone else on here has been through anything similar and has any advice, they have never stayed over at their dads/step mums although did visit last year when he was poorly, my son who was then 9 thought the step mum was his fathers mum which caused a lot of laughs, can just see it all becoming very difficult particularly for my little boy and dont know whats best really. They also dont visit there, their father come shere to see them but not sure he will be up to that at least for a while?
He starts treatment asap again not sure if that a good thing or if it means there is little time, anyone have any knowledge?
Thank you for reading xxx
I'm so sorry to read about the devastating news for your children.
My father-in-law had prostrate cancer about four years back. He's now 81. He had to have a lot of radiotherapy - I'm sorry, but I can't remember the form of the treatment now, but mother-in-law drew up a temetable for all of us who were able to drive him for the treatment.
In his case the treatment started immediately.
He did get very tired.
For him, the treatment was successful, but does go for regular checks.
The children realised that their Grandad wasn't well, so youngest would have been 8. I explained things simply, and we were lucky that he made a good recovery.
Although he is their Grandad, he is someone they do see regularly, and chat with on the phone.
Hi tiredmum, so sorry to hear about your ex. As Louise said, just hearing the word Cancer is scary. I hope the children are ok today, which is daft of me to say really, as of course they won't be, but you know what I mean. Even though he is your ex, I'm sure you'll be feeling mixed emotions at this time too. Stay strong as always. Thinking of you all. xxx
Hi, thank you xxx
The children are okish this morning, eldest son came and gave 16 year old daughter a hug(not something he does)
i have spoken to ex a little while ago and he is a 7 on a scale of 2-10, he is flying to USA on Sun to see his family, will be there for 2 weeks then back to start treatment which will be surgery followed by I think radiotherapy, the treatment wouldnt have started any sooner and if he didnt go "home" now then he wouldnt be able to for quite some time. What struck me when talking to him was how fragile he sounded, I asked him if he wanted to see the children before going and yes he is coming over today at about 6pm.
I dont feel anything one way or the other about him, just sad that my children are upset, does that sound heartless, not meant to I would feel for anyone who has cancer but my feeling toward him are no different than a stranger who might have told me on a bus if that makes sense?
Thank you for being there, it really does help xxx
Tiredmum,
Sorry to hear your news. Just saw your post as I finished writing to you about benefits and work.
Take care
Laura 
Hi Laura, thank you thats very kind xxx
No, it doesn't sound heartless tiredmum. It's just the way you feel, and you're being honest. Hope the visit goes ok. xx
He didnt come over tonight, its now tomorrow morning, I am being very flexable and just hope he does turn up before he goes away.
Daughter gone out for the night to a friends barbi, little one very tired and extremely clingy with me, lots of cuddling going on here tonight xxx
Hi tiredmum
I'm so sorry to hear the news about your ex. Hope your children are ok, and hope things go ok tomorrow when he comes round. Do post how things go.
I don't have any advice on this but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.
xx
Mamaoftwo, thank you thats really kind of you xxx
I am just trying to have an hour now to unwind, little one is unsettled so in my bed again he`s a sensitive little soul, he shouted down for me just a littlw while ago, I have some of those pot dolls in my bedroom on top of the wardrobe, he had convinced himself they were smiling at him bless him he was scared, cuddled him and explained that his nanny(my ex mum in law) left those for his sisters when she died so even if they were smiling its only his nan saying hello, it seemed to work as he is settled again now xxx
Oh bless him. What a great and lovely way to tackle the dolls smiling at him. I hope he settles soon.And I hope you unwind enough to have a good sleep too. Must be worrying for you as you are worrying about the children.
xx
I dont sleep really but this wont help as you say xxx
How are you anyway xxx
I'm ok thanks tiredmum. Catching up on here - it's rather addictive this site :)
I posted something on the daytime chat board - a nice lunch out with friends ended up pear-shaped. My son helped me to clear the back end of our garden today. There were so many weeds and lots of ivy. We worked really hard. Nice to have some one to one time with him.
Look after yourself x
ha ha it is addictive but in the nicest possible way xxx
I will read your other post xxx
You take care too xxx
Hi tiredmum. I do hope that their Dad does come today. Perhaps your son will settle a little bit, once he has actually seen him. Did you manage to get much sleep?
Hi tiredmum
I don't suppose that your ex will think of how the children are feeling, not that I am saying he is selfish it is just that he probably can't think about anything else except his illness right now....and good old Mum will be left to pick up the pieces. Hope he does come today. We are all here for you
Hi Hazeleyes, Louise, Yes they both need to see him before he goes, didnt get much sleep but thats normal for me, hmmm Louise I think he`s selfish always has been always will be xxx
Oh well you know him and I don't so I bow to your judgement! 
Did he turn up? I really hope so, for the kids sake at least. How's things your end? xx
Hi, yes he came over this afternoon, have to say he looked dreadful, he has lost so much weight, little one was pleased to see him and didnt notice the change in his dad, teen daughter on the other hand was quite reserved with her dad, she isnt like that normally its usually curl up beside him and have a cuddle, he stayed for about an hour, when he left she did comment about the weight loss and got upset, this is hard!!!!!!!!
He is away for 2 weeks flying back on the 19th so back here on the 20th, 21st he sees the nurse, 23rd the doctor and asap after that surgey, he will be in hospital 4/5 days then he wasnt sure what happens after that but will be having radiotherapy at some point.
Teen daughter would have noticed weight loss, whereas your little lad wouldn't have noticed tiredmum, which is good for him, but obviously upsetting for her. How about you, did it affect you at all? It's good news too that he is having surgery very quickly. Hope the kids are ok. xx
Yes she is ok now we are having a sleepover girlie night, dvd`s pizza, popcorn, will be a late one but worth it to see her smile, eldest daughter also came down today with her partner, its my eldest sons little boys 3rd birthday tomorrow so they have arranged a pirate party, eldest son wouldnt come whilst my ex was here, he said he wouldnt know what to say, daughter was also upset as is 18 year old daughter, everyone is just sad.
I am fine, just going to take each day as it comes, and keep being honest with the children xxx
Happy Birthday to your Grandson for tomorrow tiredmum.
Enjoy the night tonight. Mixed emotions all round I'm guessing. Thinking of you all. xx
Thank you xxx
Hope your grandson has a lovely birthday.
Such a shock for your children. I am sorry you're having to deal with this.
What a strange and emotional time for you all. Yes it is hard when we can'[t solve our children's worries (that happens more as they get older, doesn't it?) Hope your little grandson will enjoy his party. DId you have a look at that RipRap website I gave you?
Hi Louise I did have a quick look but will look properly later xxx
Its off to the party in a few mins, picture the scene, sons girlfriends family are the family from hell, all big drinkers and not nice people, my ex husband he who feels sorry for himself every day, what a combination, think I will sit in a dark corner ha ha, at least its only 2 hours xxx
Don't forget to put a tablecloth over your head tiredmum, hehe. Like you say, it's only 2 hours, but in a situation like this, those 2 hours can feel like 2 days!!!! Hope it all goes well though. Enjoy. xxx
Ooh sounds very trying, tiredmum, hope you were Ok
Hi, oh yes hazeleyes I sat in the corner with cloth firmly attatched ha ha, it wasnt as bad as it could have been I guess, ex hubby was quite chilled really, I took camera and just kept taking pics, 276 of them ha ha, my little one had good time though which made it worthwhile as he relaxed and just had fun today.
Birthday boy had lovely time with all his little nursery friends xxx
I am drained though so possibly early night not sure yet xxx
Hey tiredmum
How are things with you? A pirate party for your grandson! That sounds like lots of fun for him and his friends :). Glad it passed ok for you. Sounds like you were busy taking photos so it was good to have something to help pass the time.
hope you manage to get some rest tonight!
x
Hi mamaoftwo, things are ok here realy, the childrens dad flew to the USA this morning so should be there now we think.
I am too tired to sleep if that doesnt sound silly but will try later xxx
Overtiredness is the pits tiredmum. Glad today went ok, and both your Grandson and son had a fab time. Hope you get a good night tonight. xx
No that doesn't sound silly at all. I usually come over so tired when I am reading to the children and could just go to sleep there and then, but then I tuck them in and go and tidy the kitchen or do something (or come on here :) ) and I get overtired too. I have tried lavender spray, warm drink, reading but once I am past tiredness that is it. I haven't slept well since I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. I tend to have broken sleep each night. If I do have 5 or 6 hours straight sleep I feel so groggy in the morning so I find broken sleep works better for me. I'm just strange I guess :)
Yes it is horrible, its my brain that wont switch off ha ha, it was good to see them having fun today, daughter didnt come, she didnt feel up to it but has friend over at the moment so is ok xxx I`ll be fine and thank you xxx
Glad you got through it Ok and your son enjoyed it with his little nephew.
Overtired, yes can definitely relate to that. Hope you can relax later on....
Hi tiredmum, lets see some piccy's?? Upload them to Family Quilt??
Sorry to hear about the strain on the family at the moment, must be very hard for you, but being the matriach it sounds as though you are carrying your brood through it on your wide shoulders.
Anna, you really made me chuckle with the matriach thing, thank you I needed that xxx
I will upload a few pics onto the quilt at some point.
Update on childrens father, he went to Manchester airport for his flight yest but they apparently couldnt refuel the plane for some reason so he ended up in a hotel for the night and has flown today so should be there now.
Daughter is very emotional tonight, keeps crying, have sat with her for a while she is now having a nice long bath, her birthday is coming up in July so need to get thinking about that as her father will only just be out of hospital, last year he had a stroke so I organised the limo thing and he just about managed that, really no idea what to do this year.
I've just clicked onto the link for the family quilt - (so now no excuse not to put the spider with the hair and lipstick picture my little one did hey?) :) Looking forward to seeing your pics, Tiredmum.
Sorry to hear your daughter is up and down tonight. I guess she (and your son) will have emotional periods through this. It's a tough time for you all :(
Any ideas at all what to do for your daughter's birthday?
xxx
Hi mamaoftwo, no not got a clue to be honest, last year because thier father had been very poorly with a stroke, I decided to splurge lots on a limo for my daughter, elder sister, little brother and his best friend, step sister 1 of my daughters friends and their father, coat a lot but it was worth it, this will sound terrible but we all thought he was going to die so pushed the boat out to make my daughters birthday really special, he recovered and now has cancer, so this birthday might need to be special, oh I dont know what to do really xxx
The quilt is great, I have a few pics on there my dining room and my bedroom so far, I love decorating so was letting people see the results xxx
Nice work Tiredmum. Oh another thing on the site I will have check out (and thus spend more time on here :) )
Ohhhh -if I can think of any ideas for a birthday I will let you know. Mind you my brain is frazzled is enough trying to think of things for a 5 and 10 year old! By the way, it doesn't sound terrible, planning a special birthday last year. It sounded like the most perfect idea in the circumstances.
Mamaoftwo thank you xxx
If we look at the funny side of this my daughter could have increasingly spectacular birthdays as he will probably out live us all Doubt she would complain ha ha xxx
Hi tiredmum
I really feel for your daughter, and your boy too.
Love the idea of more and more outrageous birthdays, culminating in a private jet to New York, lunch at the White House, a cruise ship with Take That to the Bahamas and a hot air balloon over the Atlantic with Richard Branson. Hmm......maybe not
Louise never say never, all of the above would definitely appeal to both my daughter and my son, as long as I get to go as chaperone
They were ok last night, I think one of the hardest things right now is that they were told and he is now so far away, hopefully over the next couple of days he will call xxx
Yes, hopefully :-) all you can do is stay calm and strong for them, tiredmum
Hi tiredmum, glad to see that you are still smiling through all of this. Has your daughter not already mentioned what she would like to do for her birthday, mine plans hers about 11months in advance!!
Hey tiredmum, I'll be your chaperone!!! I know you would love to do something special for your daughter's birthday, but think of it like this, she will always have the memory of the limo and her Dad. I can see what you're saying, but you struggle financially at the best of times. Whatever she has and does, it will be special for her
Hope she is ok today. There are going to be many up and down days, but you are great in dealing with them. xx
well thats done it you have all just made my eyes leak, thank you for all being so supportive, I really apppreciate it xxx
Oh course hazeleyes you can be my chaperone, gosh that would be fun xxx
Hi everyone, had chat with almost step daughter last night and from what she told me, their father has gone to the USA against medical advice, they wanted to start treatment straight away, I did have a feeling there was something he wasnt telling us all, now I am more convinced.
He is 73 years old and having read lots about prostate cancer over the past week, it does seem that in men over 65 they prefer to adopt a wait and see policy as many men acually outlive the cancer. To me wanting him in asap says that is is serious coupled with the fact that he was told on the Wed and by Sun was on his way to see his family, he was asked to just go for one week but insisted on two as he wanted to see everyone.
I am not sleeping at all for thinking about everything over and over, my youngest is very clingy with me although he isnt saying anything about his father at all, I do mention him in passing things like I wonder what your dads doing now, or the time difference thing, just want to keep communication open so that he feels he can talk about his dad anytime, daughter is okish, she is also being very clingy in her own way, she watched the Waterloo road programme the other night that headfullogfog mentioned and was so upset but at least it got her to talk to me which was I think a good thing.
I am really not looking forward to next week when he gets back and goes to the hospital etc, little one has 2 holidays coming up one in approx 3 weeks with his school and then one in August, I just hope that he can go on both worry free.
Hello tiredmum
I am so, so sorry to hear this news and that it is so upsetting for your children. I am going to be very frank when I say a couple of things. The first thing is that a very large percentage of men in his age group are diagnosed with this and it is not fatal for the vast majority as it tends to be slow-developing and other illnesses associated with the age group become of more concern. It is the word "cancer" that is so scary, for all involved. Of course his individual prognosis is a matter for the doctors and he is getting treatment straightaway, which is very positive.
The second thing I want to say is to ask you to think about other peoples' experiences of similar situations. On headfulloffog's thread she talks about her children's attitude to her own illness and others have contributed confirming their own experiences of this.....in other words what affects young people the most is a. whether it impinges on their day to day life and b, whether the person is likely to die. Your children's day to day life is unlikely to be affected by this news, as they live with you but what will be worrying them is "is my dad going to die?" Obviously any reassurance you can give is limited until you know the prognosis but you can talk about the high incidence of this in older men and that there are good treatments available.
Visiting him would seem to be a good idea but can I suggest not straightaway, better for him and particularly the children, to let the dust settle?
There is a fab website for young people whose parent has a cancer diagnosis, called RipRap, see what you think.
Finally how do YOU feel in all this? You may be surprised at your mix of feelings, just go with them whatever they are, and do feel free to talk to us about how you feel. I remember the strange place I was in when my boys' dad had a stroke, about four years ago.
Hope things are a bit calmer this morning. Remember we are all here for you