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Hi Headfulloffog and Auberginia too - you have both been AMAZING to hold it together so well while going through cancer treatment. I'm on the other side of the coin, I guess - it was my daughter (now nearly 12) who was diagnosed (nearly 2 years ago) with cancer, so I know just how gruelling radiotherapy and chemo is having seen it up close and personal and I'm just so full of admiration that you have both managed to cope with still being mums. Yeah - I know, we carry on coping because there is no plan B!! I'm sorry MacMillan have not been more help - they were supportive to me. And ClicSargent - but I think they only get involved when the child / young person is the actual patient. Sending lots of hugs (but gentle ones, natch) Fi xxx
fic - hope your daughter is better now
hello again - been trying to be positive but can feel myself sliding- i'm on my own again - 2 of the kids are at their dads, eldest at boyfriends, i have been awake since 7am and the day seems so long- falling in to the trap of thinking "grass is green/everyone is having fun in families" kind of trap
i soooo wish i could get myself through this. i am not bored, i am just so painfully lonely and missing my family unit
Hi headfulloffog. Sorry you're feeling lonely still. I hope you managed to see friends today, or do something that helped to lift your mood. Believe me, the grass isn't greener. A friend of mine continuously moans about her partner, telling me she 'hates him'. Another has just spent 2 weeks in Jamaica, going out there with a friend, whose brother is keen on my friend. Rows took place there, (all that money spent on rows)!!!
What did you do with yourself today?
Hi Fic, how is your daughter now, a few years down the line? I really hope she is doing well, and that you all as a family coped with it. Amazing strength you all must have had. xxx
You're so right, hazeleyes 
Hello ficurnow, great to see you and have your input 
Hi headfulloffog
It sounds as if you are sort of experiencing the "empty nest" syndrome a little in advance. You mention the loss of your family unit as your girls lead more independent lives. I think this is harder for single parents as often we will have invested more in our children (of neccessity as there was only us to do stuff!) and so it is more of a wrench as we see our "role" recede and start to disappear. It is extra hard for you that it coincides with your treatment, so just at a time when I would normally be suggesting you get out and about and try new things and build a new life, what you really need is to get well before you can do that.
There are no easy answers here, I am sorry to say. One thing I CAN say however, is I think you would have felt like this even if you had not been ill and this really is a time to make plans, even if you cannot do things now then a few pipe dreams for the future are in order. As we "lose" our roles as fulltime parent, so we can gain others. Don't be cross with yourself for feeling like this, it is totally normal, I promise you.
hello folks - i have immersed myself in the company of friends - i just "bounce" from one friend to the next - i feel guilty for taking their time and angry with myself for not being able to be alone but i just don't want to be alone it is as simple as that.
i think the cancer is having an effect at the moment because i feel that it is "setting me apart" from people. even when i am with friends, i feel "different" because i am so scared of what is happening to me and i just can't enjoy myself as i should - i want to laugh and live again but i feel very sad a lot of the time.
yes i am most definately getting empty nest syndrome too - ive had divorce after 27 years, breast cancer, the kids starting to fly the nest and my dad being taken in to residential care all within the space of 18 months.
i am trying to pull myself along - i actually do not have anyone i feel i can cry to at the moment cos my friends want me to be positive so i try to hide how i feel when in reality a good cry on someones shoulder could be what i need - how do i say that to people/achieve that? as a mom on my own, as you know we spend time on our own with our feelings and don't have anyone to share them with. when i therefore do meet people, isnt it only natural for me to want to share my emotions rather than bottle them up further. i am sure some people do not think i am being positive enough but i dont think they realise just how lonely and alone i am.
Hi headfulloffog. It's perfectly natural to want to cry on someone's shoulder. Yes your friends want you to remain positive, but at the same time, you need to let out your feelings. Once my sister had her operation, she had to wait for six weeks until her chemo, she didn't like being on her own, as she had more time to think. She returned to work, because she said it kept her busy. Tell your friends exactly how you're feeling, how you feel different from them, how scared you are, and how lonely you are. Perhaps you are putting too brave a face on things.
What are you doing today?
Hi yes your friends will be trying to cheer you up, they can't know what you need if you don't tell them. My suggestion would be to pick just ONE friend you feel would be the best one for this, and if you find it hard, drop them a note or an email just saying something like
"I am writing because this is so hard to say. You have a been an amazing friend to me throughout my treatment and I really appreciate that. You always try to cheer me up and help me look at the positive. I wonder if you would mind helping me in another way now? I really need to grieve what has happened: an accumulation of my marriage break up, my cancer, my dad's illness and worries about my kids, sometimes it all gets too much and what I would really like is a chance to talk about that and have a proper weep, please can we make a time to have that talk as it would help me so much"
I think the friend will be surprised but only too ready to help
Hi folks.
Headfull, I think it's a shame you feel you have to be "positive" with your friends and you think they might not accept the way you are feeling - cancer is terrifying (maybe for them too) but more so for you. Also it's such a strain to act positive when you don't feel it - do you think that is making things harder? I know there are all sorts of arguments for thinking positive but the unfortunate truth is that is really hard sometimes, especially when you're knackered from all the treatment.
I hope you find someone to have a good cry and a hug with - I've cried so much over the last year I can't tell you, sometimes embarrasingly with people I don't know very well but once the floodgates open there's not a lot I can do about it. I hope you get through the week of radiotherapy - then you'll be half way through it. Also, does your hospital have links to a BC support group?
all the best xxx
yes, trying to be positive when i dont feel it for the sake of others is making it harder for me. i feel like i am in denial when i have to behave like that. There is one particular close friend who is very impatient with me and demands that i am positive all the while. strangely this seems to make me want her comfort all the more.
She is someone i thought would be emotionally supportive to me and i see her more often than others socially but perhaps that is just it, perhaps i have to accept that that is what that particular friendship is about, simply being sociable together, doing things rahter than talking about emotions. it is weird but with most people you know where you stand i.e whether you can let your feelings out or not but i have obviuosly got this on efriend wrong
Hope you're having a better day today. xx
I understand that many people with cancer find their friendships change, my friend said that people she did not know that well came up trumps and became close pals and others just could not cope with the upset and backed off a bit. A counsellor told her that she had to forgive those people, as it was not their fault they couldn't cope. My friend said hmm what I want around me are friends that CAN cope.
You might be surprised at who turns out to be your sympathetic listener...
How are you doign today? Is it session seven of the treatment? if so then you are more than a THIRD of the way through, hooray!
yes louise, 7 out of 20 today and that is good.
i have definately seen some people more willing to stick by me than others and there have been new people come in to my life too as a result of both divorce and cancer. maybe the new folk is one of the positives i have to look at but i am a loyal friend and feel sad at the way some friendships have wained as a result of my personal crises.
neither of my daughters have even wished me well or asked after me re my treatement for days.
wishing you all a good day
Well we are here to give you some TLC, and you might need a bit extra if your skin gets sore towards the end so let us support you through this time.
Yes, any major happening in life tends to show people who are our friends in a different light. As a loyal person that will be a shock for you, I am sure. I understand that one in nine women gets breast cancer nowadays, so there is a good chance that you will be able to support one or two of the stalwarts through their own troubles in the future...actually that reminds me of something that helps me when I am going through a rough time, I try to think remember this feeling Louise, remember this experience so that you can help other people. Of course it sits with the feeling of "B***** other people it is me that needs some TLC right now!" as well.....
We are here for you
thanks louise - yes i hope I can be of some help to people in the future.
ive woken up today feeling v low and tired - i think the rads treatment is kicking in - but everyone thinks i am fine cos i look ok.
i am fed up of feeling low but i just can't see past the yuk - i can't even look forward to the school hols with my son because i have to deal with my ex to decide when he will have the kids and i just havent got the strength to do that at the moment but i know it has to be done.
was told by the oncologist yesterday that aches and pains are most likely to be as a result of enforced menopause and that i will just have to live with them - i am physically so uncomfortable cos i ache all over.
got rads in a bit. back later
Hi headfulloffog. Really sorry you're suffering so much with all the aches and pains. I know you have to deal with the ex regarding the hols, but do it at a time when you're not feeling so yuk. How long is he having your son for? Once you finalise the details, perhaps then you can start planning some stuff of your own. Hope today goes ok. Thinking of you. Stay strong. xx
Sorry you are in so much discomfort, the aches and pains will get less once you have recovered fully from the chemo and rads but obviously some will stay with the 5 years of medication....and some you will just "get used to", strange as that may seem now.
Try to rest and sleep as much as you can, especially as the radiotherapy goes on.
Thinking of you headfulloffog. I know Louise mentioned it before, but do ring the Samaritans at your lowest points on 08457 909090, also have a look around their website. I notice that they have some volunteering opportunities, I know that you are not feeling physically very well, but it really sounds as though you could do with feeling a part of something. Maybe this is something to consider?
Hello folks
Hi Headfull, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low.
Re being pushed through the menopause and feeling achy, I went to see a nutritionist (which was free, yay!) who advised me, amongst other things, to eat oily fish twice a week, a small handful of nuts and seeds every day and take an omega 3,6,9 tablet once a day. Obviously this was advice specifically for me, but maybe it would be similar for you?? I have been doing it for about two weeks now and hadn't really thought about it but I have to say I think I am aching less, though I still get the shuffle, but my legs don't feel so bad. Also to try and drink 8 glasses of water, but try and sip throughout the day which helps you absorb it so that you aren't rushing to the loo all the time - I've tried it and it works!
Last time I saw the oncologist he said that after about a year of Tamoxifen they will test my hormone levels and if I have become post-menopausal (something to look forward to?!?) they can put me on Arimidex which does the same but job but has less side effects - might be the same for you?
Sympathise with you on the hols, they came right in the middle of my chemo last year and I was dreading it, especially it felt bad that all my children's friends seemed to be going away and there was me on no pay, bald and feeling kerrapp, but somehow we got through it - hey ho. You will find the strength I am sure, think about how far you have come already.
Lots of love, Aub xxx
Hello Headfulloffog,
I have not read the entire thread and have joined the site today so I could write here. I can see that you have been given some great advice and support here wish is so nice to see. The reason I am posting a reply is really is to give you my perspective into the way your children are being the way they are with you. What I have to say may not apply to your situation but I felt I had to write this to you because it was very close to home for me.
I am a single parent of twins who are now approaching 13. Their dad left 2 weeks before they were born and I have been on my own with them since then. I am also an only child with hardly any family so no real support. Your story touched me, as I was once the teenager that you are describing, in your opening post, and now as a parent myself can see how much hurt I caused and regret it so deeply.
I was about aged 12 when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Although my mum and dad were together, which is very different from your situation, my relationship with my dad was negligble, my mum bridged the gap. She fought cancer until I was 17 years old. My mum was very good at trying to protect me through all my life and as a child was never really aware how serious her illness was, because she made it that way. The last few years of her life were awful and as a child I can remember having the most horrendous confrontations with my dad because I would not go and see her in the hospital which is where she was the majority of the time. Looking back as an adult and as a parent I can understand and see maybe why I acted the way I did, but it does not take away the hurt that I now know my mum felt during that time. I think I was in denial that she was even ill.
From when my mum and dad first told me she was ill and 'had something poorly inside her but the doctors were going to take it away and make her better', I always believed, 'mummy will get better' On some level as I got older I must have realised how serious it was but did not acknoweledge it or allow myself to, because if I did that, it would cause me pain. Couple this with becoming a teenager and all the normal (or abnormal!) teenage emotions and behaviour, it was like I was just running away from the whole situation. I had been to the hospital one occasion and as soon as I walked into the room, my mum was lying in her bed trying to take a drink from a cup and couldn't do it, I had to get out. I could not deal with what was happening to her, that was not my mum in that bed, my mum that I knew, that was a really sick lady.
I think as a child it is easy for us as parents to forget that children do not have set ways of dealing with situations. I had no guidance or help from my dad, that I could see. In my mind I was on my own and the best way my mind knew how to deal with this was to not deal with it. It wasn't happening. I look back and also see that I think I just tried to live out my life then wanting to be normal, I haven't got a mum with cancer, I just want to be a normal teenager and do normal things and as selfish as it sounds now, I look back and see that it was my way of coping mentally with what was happening. I was trying to protect myself. My mum was the most loving person I have ever met, she would do anything for anybody and as her only daughter I always felt how strong her love was for me, and I loved her more than anything in this world. But I can look back at how I was then, and even though I know why I acted the way I did to her, I feel so regretful that I wasn't there for her.
My mum had a counseller who I know now gave her great comfort, in dealing with her issues with me, my dad and her cancer. I know she tried me to get to see a counseller I went once but I did not like it. Again, it made me deal with a situation I didn't want to acknowledge was even happening. My mum also found out exactly who her friends were at that time, many of who she thought were close friends and even family members that she had supported time and time again, abandoned her, I found out as I got older, adding to my guilt of knowing how alone she must have felt.
I also look back and feel so selfish when I remember the things my mum did for me and now know how ill she was at those times. I remember rebelling at school. I was always the grade A student and teachers loved me. But during my GCSE years just went completely off the rails, I would not go to school and would spend the day in town shopping, it was like I was trying to find anyway possible to take my mind off things and do pleasurable things. Luckily for me it came to a head before my exams and my mum, who was in so much pain, came into the school and tried to help me sort it all out. And we did. I went to sixth form after my exams but although I was there physically I wasn't there. This was the final year of my mums life and it was too much.
I do remember that it took my mum's counsellor, at my mum's request, to come and speak to me, on one of the days I went to the hospice, to get me to see my mum. I can remember the words that she said to me, "you do realise that your mum is going to die?" and that was the first time over all those years that anyone had said anything about her dying or could die. And it took that lady lady saying that to me, for me to finally come to terms with what was happening to my mum. She told me that my mum loved me so much and missed me, and just wanted her little girl, and at that moment, that 'really sick lady' became my mum. I went into her room and cuddled her for the first time in such a long time and broke down. My mum and I always used to cuddle, give kisses and tell each other everyday we loved each other.
I think that on another level as her illness got worse over those last couple of years, to me my mum had already died, the mum I knew was not there anymore. I hated my dad, we never had a great relationship, so then my dad just saw an insensitive rebellious teenager, so I spent as little time as possible at home, my mum was in hospital. It was like the reality of what it would be like when she wasn't here anymore was already happening. And to me then, feeling alone, it was horrendous, so in that respect it was like I had already started greiving for the loss of my mum before she had even died. Because to me the mum I had, had gone.
She died not long after I made amends with her and I am so grateful now for that lady who spoke those words to me, and as grateful as I am for my mum for trying to do her job of protecting me, now I am older maybe wish that someone had said those words to me a lot sooner, and made me see how serious it was, that she wasn't going to get better, she wouldn't have felt so alone for so long.
After she died I found a journal that my mum had been writing, for me. On the inside cover it said "For Dee, The Light of my Life". I know that she took comfort in writing in that journal the things that I she couldn't say to me when I wasn't there for her and her feelings and things she wanted me to know. As I have got older I become so upset, and seeing as a parent, how hurt she must have been and how alone she was, that it wasn't only me she had lost, that she had no-one to turn to. I found in her papers letters on scraps of paper that she would write to God and realised that that was who she turned to in her lonely days. (and she was not that religious to my knowledge). I know my mum tried to get close family friends to get me to talk to them too, but I didnt, as I didnt want to, again it was making we me deal with something I was denying to myself was happening.
I realise that my mums cancer and situation is different to yours at the moment. However I just wanted you to hear a child's perspective now an adult and how it affected my mum and me. I hope there is something you can take from it. I guess the one thing i have taken from it is that although I love my mum so much for protecting me all my life, I think I would have been better equipped to deal with it all if i wasn't sheltered from the truth. One of my greatest fears is that I will have cancer like my mum, and that I will leave my children alone, which is why I have chosen to always be completely honest with my children about everything. So they can learn to deal with life and death as best they can. I truely believe that your children are just dealing with the situations in their own ways too, like I did, and although it is hurtful to you and not a good way, maybe its the only way they know how. Do not give up on trying to get back a relationship with them, they love you dearly, your their mum :)
I really hope you find a way to get the support you need and comfort too. Keep strong! and I wish you well through your treatments. Much Love Dee xxx
Hello DeeJ
What a wonderful post, thank you so very much for taking the time to write it. It is fantastic to hear about things from the point of view of a young person who has experienced these things, thank you for your honesty and it is refreshing to be reminded that when teenagers grown up they (almost always) appreciate what their parents have done.
Your own parenting style has been very much informed by your memories and experiences and has prompted you to be open with your children.
headfulloffog, I hope this post has been helpful to you, too.
Wow DeeJ, wonderful post, it brought tears to my eyes, thank you for sharing it, I hope that it brings insight to headfulloffog and also a sense of relief for yourself too. It must be difficult to recognise how you were with your mum, but it sounds from your eloquent post that you crossed your bridges and healed a wounded relationship before it was too late.
Thankyou Louise and Anna :)
I just hope that headfulloffog is able to take something away from it to help her with her children xx
Hi DeeJ. That was a wonderful post, actually got a lump in my throat. Straight from the heart. I'm sure it will help headfulloffog no end. xx
ive just logged on and have immediately read the post from Dee which is so perceptive and it is so good and kind of of you to put down your thoughts on here Dee. I am really crying because it is just how i imagine my kids to be feeling and i feel helpless to help them.
i am so vulnerable and evething seems to be going wrong no matter how hard i try. I am scared that i will never have the opportunity to have any sort of relationship with my girls, post teenage years, should I not get better.
Hi headfulloffog
Yes everything does seem to be going wrong at once, I think life can be like that! No-one can guarantee what the future holds but the treatment you are getting is giving you the very best chance of recovery. I do believe that once you feel stronger (which might not be for a few months, to be honest) you will be able to do some work on things with your girls, and they will start to feel easier as they see you gain strength
well, i had unpleasant evening with my younger daughter last night - she insisted on watching waterloo road - i couldn't watch it because of the story line about teenage girl with cancer - so my daughter was nasty too me and took offence because i wouldnt watch it with her even though i explained why. i got pretty upset last night - everything just got on top of me and i cried a lot.
ive tried to pick myself up again today - ive had 10th of 20 radiotherapy today - half way - i feel weary but ok
i have made a couple of steps towards trying to get myself back on my feet - i went to a local cancer support centre (i had thought i couldnt go because it was outside my borough but i decided to try it anyway) and they were lovely there - i have been offered counselling and some complimnetary therapies and it seems such a pleasant place - the people were tactile - i know it may sound daft but living alone and feeling so sad, it was lovely to have a hug from someone albeit a stranger.
I also went to gp surgery for pre planned chat with community nurse - she wants me to consider taking either citalopram or fluoxetine antidepressants to "lift my mood" - she says my serotonin?? levels are extremely low and affecting my mood and need a boost. i am really uncertain what to do - ive got through the last two years and more with everything that has happened wwithout the help of antidepressants and i just dont know what to do but i desparately want to feel better (for the sake of my kids too who must be fed up of me being low). i also need to speak to my oncologist to see if he thinks such drugs are acceptable. anyone got any thoughts on what to do???
the nhs couselling service i called has a three month waiting list so have put my self on list for cancellation.
Good idea to get yourself on the list!!
That's fantastic that you have found the cancer centre with some TLC
Oh dear the Waterloo Rd programme sounds really excruciating. Poor you, especlally when she would not understand why it was so upsetting for you.
See what the oncologist says about the anti-depressants, I do know of some ladies with breast cancer that take them but obviously there are different types etc. If the oncologist says Ok then how would you feel about taking them? In deciding, please just consider YOU and not the kids......there is no shame or "failure" about taking them. You could look on them as a short term prop, I know during the lead up to my marriage break up I took them for about five months, it was just to help me cope with what was going on (ironically felt better once he had gone, lol) But the decision is yours and it is also Ok to say no.
Anyway I am getting my flag out here and saying WOO-HOO you are halfway through!!
Hi headfulloffog, I am SO pleased to read that you visited the local cancer support centre, big pat on the back for you 
It sounds as though they are going to be your strength, I know that feeling when you get a hug from an 'adult' it is so important and I bet it is exactly what you need right now.
Fingers crossed for the NHS waiting list cancellation.
Louise has shared her experience of anti depressants, I have never taken them, however I have friends that have and it has really helped them. It does not have to be forever, just to get you through this extremely difficult phase. when will you see the oncologist?
hi all, thanks for your ongoing support
woke up feeling like a black cloud was with me yet again but ive been out and about all day, (including rads. ) and i find my mood definately improves once i get out of the house.
very unsure what to do re anti depressants cos i feel i have got this far, am coming to the end of my "active treatment" and should really try to keep going to try to see how i feel when i am not going to hospital as much. but at the same time i am so fed up of feeling soooo low a lot of the while.
I have however as you know identified that it is not so much "being alone" that bothers me - i can be alone in week days and weekday evenings without any trouble but i feel panicky about being alone
a) when the kids are around and don't want me at weekends and ive not planned anything for me because i have them
b) i feel awful pain being alone when they are with their dad - this is excruciating and this is when i can't do friday and saturday nights alone and literally panic on the run up to those nights until i have some company sorted
and so to this weekend....kids with me, .....bits planned , what about you? i hope you all have nice weekend and i appreciate your kind words.
Hi headfulloffog
How are you this morning? A couple of days off treatment over the weekend, hooray.
It sounds as if you have identified quite clearly what triggers your feelings, and the panic that can accompany them. I wonder if you are able to say what it is about the children being with their dad that is so hard for you, eg is it that they are betraying you by continung to love him? is it that you feel envious that they can all "have a good time" (or seem to) without you? is it that they seem not to need you? (whether they are with their dad or just doing their own thing) The reason I ask you all this is that if you can pinpoint the FEELING behind it all then it is the first step to helping you to feel better
Only you can decide about the anti depressants, as I say you could think of it as a six month thing if you decide to go ahead, many are not addictive these days and you could make sure you were given a type that isn't.
You have some plans for the weekend? I was out with some friends for a short time last night, nothing planned today. It seems quite sunny, which is all to the good if you want to get out and about.
Take care
hello - nice sunny morning here too. interesting, yes i do know the triggers but the the feelings around them??
well i would say, firstly, i don't feel that the kids are betraying by continung to love their dad and i accept that they will need me (and him) less as they grow up. i can't say i don't want them to need me and i have needed them in recent years but this is not an over riding issue.
above everything however I do feel very bothered by the thought of them all "having a good time" (or seem to as you say) without me. i spend a lot of the time when i am on my own thinking about them all together, sharing meals and doing things together. as a family unit, that is what we did (and i thought very successfully for many years) and it is the loss of this FAMILY UNIT and the family time that is most painful for me at the weekends when they are with their dad. the silence in the house just makes that feel worse.
I think the loss of the family unit is more real and painful to me at present as i am getting to grips with the loss of the relationship with my husband.
also, there is distinct difference in his weekends with the kids and my weekends with them. When the kids are with me for the weekend, they do not want to spend time with me cos that is the "norm", they do that all week, but when their dad has them, he extracts them from "norm" and has a captive audience for the time they are with him. i cant even get them to share mealtimes with me let alone anything else yet he has them attentive for the whole weekend so they can do things.
incidentaly my kids do not talk about anything they do when they are at their dads and i do not ask- i just find out bits and pieces along the way as things are said - I never ask what they have done -i don't know how to ask or whether i should so i don't ask. i know they don't tell me things because they worry about upsetting me especially if they have spent time with dads new woman,
It is like their is a big black hole into which my kids go when they go to their dads. there is a big part of their lives that i know nothing about and as a mom that really hurts me.
I have to say I hated it when my lot when to their Dad's for the very same reasons.
I always felt it was The Git's choice not to return the childrens phone calls or not phone them. Yet when they were with him, they weren't allowed to contact me, which I know upset them.
Yes I understand... and I hope that sparkling lime sharing how she felt has helped. I just wanted to ask to totally "get" where you are at, I do see exactly now, about the black hole.
I wouldn't want to know about what they had done either! although if you could bear to ask and seem Ok with the answers, actually that might make thing feel easier for them, they must feel awkward. What you say about them being a captive audience with him is very perceptive.
Yes, the family unit included him so that is another side to the loss. The reason I asked about betrayal was that I felt my eldest in particular was being disloyal to me by still loving his dad after everything I had been through.Nowadays I am glad he has another interested adult in his life, but it took me a while to get there.
I spose what I want to say to you is "It's Ok to feel sad and it would be worrying if you WEREN'T sad in this situation" Not that that helps you to be less sad but sometimes, as with a bereavement, we HAVE to go through the mourning process to have any chance of moving on. It is harder for you as it coincides with treatment but the one positive is that the illness has propelled you into seeking counselling now, and then you can address everything all at once.
Hi headfulloffog. I really hope you've had a good day, and hoping for a good evening for you too. Take lots of care. xx
hoping you have all had a good day. i have quite enjoyed today (i can and do enjoy things but then i fall down again) Ive had two out of three kids with me (very unusual) and we have been to a friends house. home now and going to try to have a saturday night in just me and the kids. i usually invite friends round or we go to them on saturday nights with or without kids so being in alone with them on saturday nights is still unusual for us - i have to tell myself it is no different to any other day or night.
yes, i can see this is a process and things that hurt me/made me sad when he first went (thinking where he was at certain times of day/week) no longer hurt but then other things crop up that replace that hurt/sadness (such as loss of the family unit in my case)
fallen off my perch again today - i think im getting tired from the rads and i am craving a bit of physical support (just a meal cooked for me would be nice) but i know it wont happen so i have to stop expecting it.
and, my eldest (19) had a real go last night - over her board money again - she started work sixth months ago and has not yet once paid her board willingly or without being asked/reminded..She refuses to set up a diredct debit to take away conflict This time, she screamed at me (and i mean screamed and yelled as she does) because she TOLD ME that she should not pay her board because she is going on holiday. My son (12) threatened to tell his dad i am being unreasonable because i am expecting board from her whilst she is on holiday. I am so weak and vulnerable at the moment and still afraid of their dad and his influence (he can HURT me financially if he chooses as well as by what he says to the kids)
I had intended to give my daughter a gift of some spending money for her hols if she paid her board. stupidly (and i know it is because my son threatend to tell dad) i gave her the money in a card that i put in her rooom yesterday(she hasnt paid board)
She came in last night and stood in front of me saying "thankyou for the money, i'm sorry i yelled but.......and then went on to tell me how wrong i was to ask for board again!! - this completely took away the apology -i got upset, told her to go away and to stop screaming at me. She didn't, she never does, she only ever screams and yells - she does not know how to talk/discuss things (dad only ever screamed at stuff) - she said some really horrid things including yet aggain - i am only living here because you are ill - i have repaetedly told her that she should not be doing this and that she is free to leave. it's not as if she cares for me or loves me 9she barely even speaks to me) so it makes no difference her being in the house if i am unwell - all it does is reinforce the fact that she wont do anything to help me at all.
i feel really low - she has convinced me that i am a bad person - my husband going has shattered my confidence and i am convinced that his going is all my falut and that i am a bad mom and a bad person. i even think the kids would be better off with their dad.
headfulloffog.
Stop, just stop. You must stop saying all this negative stuff to yourself, your daughter was rude, out of order and wrong and you know this, but somehow you have managed to turn this round to you being a bad person. STOP right now.
I am sitting here thinking, when I go on holiday, I still have to pay rent and I don't get given spending money. Our role as parents is to teach our children what adult life is like, so I think you were absolutely right to ask for board, regardless of what they or their father says.
When you say that you are convinced that your ex leaving the relationship was all your fault and that you are a bad mum and a bad person, it makes me think that your ex may have spent a very long time drumming that in to you, many many years and the children have heard it too and now believe the same.
This is all wrong and until you see it differently, then things will stay the same. It takes two for a relationship to work, yes you probably have your faults, don't we all, that is normal human nature, but it sounds as though you gave everything for your family and you don't deserve to be treated like this. It sounds like bullying.
I know I have asked before, but do you have a good friend or sibling that your daughter respects?
Oh poor you, teens really can be a pain can't they? You have enough on your plate with rads, and all the fatigue that comes with that. I feel really cross on your behalf!
I can only tell you what I did with my eldest. I listed all expenses to do with the house on a monthly basis, including rent/mortgage, water bill, electricity and gas, things like Internet connection, Council tax, and my guesstimate for the monthly food bill. Then I divided it between the number of people in the house, in your case four, and said "that quarter is your responsibility" (it came to more than he was paying) I also listed underneath, the money that I had lost when he left college, and amounts ie Child Benefit, and Child Tax Credit and any maintenance in respect of him (none in his case, as his dad did not pay at that time) so he could see quite clearly what cut I had had in income and yet was still paying the same bills and feeding him.
ooh...and don't forget to include the fact that you now pay more Council tax, if you have lost your single adult rebate now
It is not your son's business what you agree with his sister and when things are calmer you can tell her that if she wants to be treated in an adult way then she must behave like one and approach you with a reasonable request such as "Mum as I am going on holiday this month you won't be feeding me and so I was wondering if I could keep some of my board money for spending". If she was renting a flat elsewhere, the landlord would not "let her off" the rent because she was away and things like the Council Tax and Water rates are still payable!!!! What I am saying is that as parents we need to show them what real life is like, tough though that may be. I know this sounds draconian but if she thinks she can get a better deal elsewhere then let her; my son really changed his tune once he started living independently heh heh.
I feel concerned that you say the children's father could withold money from you. Do you not have an agreement through the CSA?
Hi headfulloffog. I also feel very angry on your behalf. You shouldn't be having to deal with this as well as going through rads etc. Your daughter is old enough to know better, and to show you respect. You are not doing anything wrong in asking for board. Like others have said, if she lived on her own, she would be paying much much more.
The conflicts in the home aren't helping you whatsoever. Please take care. xxx
thank you folks once again - i know in my heart that i am not wrong - i just feel so weak and wihout a voice in the house and sooooo much yelling at me. They would say "you start it mom" but that is in response to me saying anything!! could i have some help with......., (note, not could you do totally by yourself) starts a whole barrage of yelling at me in my house so its hardly surprising that the board issue prompts world war 3. the ledest is not home from work yet and i intend to keep clear of her to avoid conflict. She is going away for 2 weeks on saturday and i will have to save the board issue for when she returns - it is horrid knowing and anticipating conflict.
so far as my ex witholding money from me-no we don't have a csa agreement -we did reach an agreement albeit for a good earning man, he "chose" to give me CSA minimum - i though that was just it - a minimum guidleine - i now realise it is the minimum they can get away with. The way he will take money off me is to take my son and daughter on separate nights!!! to stay each week and then reduce maintenance accordinlgy, even though each time he does that i still have 2 at home including the eldest who doesnt go to him and who is the biggest source of conflict - he is on to a win win - he is very nuch in control and knows i need his money.
On a positive i went today to the cancer support centre to meet the lady who will be doing some counselling with me. She was lovley and i pured out everything that has gone on in the last two years. I told her as much as i could and how i felt as if i was failing folk by not being totally positive. She said that any one of the losses i have experienced in the past two years (relationship of 27 years, dad going in to a home, cancer, freindship changes) was enuff to wobble anyone not to mention living with three teenagers. She said that i should should be allowed to validate these losses (i think she means allow myself to admit to them happening). she said as i know that my self esteem and confidence is rock bottom and that she wants to work on that first to enable me to have any chance of being strong enough to deal with the kids.
i am hopeful about the counselling. 14 rads done, 6 to go
thanks for being there.
I think that is great headfulloffog. The counsellor working on your self esteem etc first, I'm sure that will certainly help you in dealing with the children. Hopefully, once your daughter has gone on Saturday, then the house will be free of rows for a while. Hope you have a good evening. Rads nearly over, thats terrific news too. Well done on getting through everything, despite how you're feeling. xx
Yes, only six to go now, and although the effects last for a while afterwards at least you will not have that journey every day. The time following the end of treatment can be a low time, though, so it is great that you have started work with the counsellor. I agree with what she has said about the losses, they have compounded, no wonder you feel knocked for six! If you explore the losses, and know that she truly understands, you will be able to grieve them properly, which is the first step to feeling better about things. Work on your confidence sounds great too!
I was just thinking that although it is preferable to have an private agreement with your children's father, if he does use the threat of withdrawal of money to have some power then there is the CSA to use, to get it written in stone
Hi headfulloffog
I'm sorry your children are being so very unfair to you.
Hope you have a peaceful day today.
Hi headfulloffog, I am so glad that you have found that Cancer support group, it sounds as though you are going to work through an awful lot.
I bet you can't wait until Saturday! How about planning something fun, yet gentle to do with the other two?
Hi headfulloffog, how are you feeling do hope you are ok xxx
gosh where do i start - eldest gone on holiday - didnt leave on a happy note - ranting and yelling at me still not happy about board and she wouldn't even tell me if she was staying at home the night before she went on hols so that i knew whether to say goodbye to her before i went to bed or not!! a friend got me out of the house and away from her shouting at me.
other two been with their dad - found them going very very painful - made worse by the fact that he was taking them to the seas ide and i just felt like i wanted to go too - i wanted to just get in the car with my husband and my kids and go with them - i felt totally excluded and left out which of course i am!!!
i have realised that i just havent got to grips with them going to be with their dad and i find it so hard to accept them all being together without me. he has been left 2 years now but has only been having the kids at weekends since last may. i was iagnosed in september so really i hadnt even begun to "feel" what it was like to have the weekends without the kids without all the emotions surrounding cancer. i wonder if i'd be better able to cope with them being away by now had i not had cancer diagnosis? it all still feels so raw and i am soooo needy. i hate being like this.
awwwh I`m so sorry you havent had a good weekend xxx
It must be really hard letting them go to their dads, I guess in many ways I have been so fortunate in that although 2 of my childrens dads have been around the only one who has ever taken his son out is my ex husband and I have always had the other children here with me.
I`m going through a sort of reverse of your problems in many ways, my 2 youngest dad has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and they are devastated, he is going to the hospital on Tues and they want to operate asap so its all up in the air here at the moment, I have no idea what to expect but he is 73 and had a stroke last year so he isnt in the best of health.
I do hope you have a better day tomorrow
xxx
Hi Headfulloffog,
You can't really tell how you would have felt about them going to their dads if you had not been ill. The main thing is that you are acknowledging it NOW and can start to look at the feelings this gies you with the counsellor you have seen. A lot of other parents will be able to identify with you re the feeling as they all go off together, I remember working with a mum a few years ago who had a very young child and she just became prostrate with grief each week and had to learn to cope with it all.
Am I right in sayin there are four more rads to go????
tiredmum - hope the kids are able to handle their dad diagnosis - it is so difficult in a split situation.
yes louise, 4 rads to go - i am feeling so low again today - just cant seem to see a way out of this lot - nothing is going right.
Hi headfulloffog, do hope you are ok today, can identify with what you are saying about craving time alone then when you get it it is boring lonely etc, a happy medium would be nice wouldnt it xxx
Aubergine, hope you are having a good day too xxx
Thinking of you both xxx