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You are not being unreasonable headfulloffog.
If she was younger, I might say her behaviour could be about - Getting some attention is better than getting NO attention and is therefore kicking up a fuss, just to have some interaction with you. Is that likely? Do you spend any time together when you just listen and what is going on for her?
When you are having a 'better' moment with your daughter, you could ask her what she thinks is the best way forward so that you both don't have to go through this same ordeal every month.
Or you could tell her that you are not prepared to go through this same ordeal every month as it is unfair on you to have to keep prompting her and therefore expect her to set up a standing order by next month.
Do either of those options seem workable?
enjoyed the show in London but boy have i come back down to earth with a bump tonight - this is sooooooo hard going and i am floundering again but thank goodness the tablets seem to be keeping me from sobbing my heart out.
came home feeling low - was i missing my ex as i thought? or is it just missing that "someone" to share the pleasure we had had in goingh to the show? - I think that the latter is more likely now although i do still miss him over two years since hes been gone.
my eldest daughter was vile from the moment she came in (she was over an hour later than normal coming home from work and i was getting worried so i text her to say could she simply let me know if she is going to be late so that i dont worry - she has yelled at me just saying get off my back, i could be at uni and you wouldnt know where i was - ive told her i dont necessarily want to know WHERE she is, just that she is safe. am i being unresonable i ask once again to know she is safe driving home from work???
anyway, she did not even ask us if we had had a nice time and just slammed around the house n went out again so that my other daughter coommented on her bad manners.
then, i took my younger daughter (the one who has just been to london with me) to the shops and we were just chatting and she commented on another dad who left his wife for another woman. i simply said - how does it make you feel when you hear of all these men going off? i wondered if it would make her cynical about marriage? and what i wanted to say to her was "don't be" but i never got the chance.....she just went beserk, shouting at me and saying its (a split) is only a problem when the adults cant sort it out - the implication being that it is acceptable that her dad has wrecked our marriage and family by going off with someone else and that it is my fault that i cant face him.
He really must be stringing these kids a right yarn cos his line is always "break ups happen - get over it" and this is what he tells the kids "mom has to do" - she also said they have suffered as much as me to which i replied "i think we have alll suffered differently with the divorce and cant walk in each others footsteps" to which she said "you never try" but i DO try, most people say i try too hard and am not selfish for my own needs.
she also said (worryingly) that she has a life with her dad that she cant talk to me about presumably because it involves his new woman and she doesnt want to upset me - but surely i am not alone to not want to know the ins and outs of what they do when they are with their dad??? i cant be the only one who feels that way surely?? i do have feelings and i am very hurt by him going off after 27 years yet it is me that is getting all the flack off the kids and he is coming out smelling of roses saying "these things happpen" - why are the kids buying in to this??? i dont want them to despise their dad or be angry with him and i never stop them seeing him and rarely bad mouth him yet im not alowed to express any kind of negative emotion towards the man who has totally wrecked our family unit and yet they show no care at all for my feelings and the fact that i have been hurt, in fact they are horrid to me - how can this be?? her final comment was that they suffered MORE than me with the chemo because all i had to do was have it!!!
my son has spent the eveneing telling me to stop talking to the girls whenever i have done so! ive told him to butt out of my relationships with them.
i am at a loss here yet again - i feel totally outnumbered - all three are downstairs at the moment, the eldest saying i should just have total freedom to come and go without any reference at all - doesnt she realise it is just common courtesy to tell your mom if you are going to be an hour or two hours late? i told her it only takes one text and a moments thought - i have about 20 texts to her over 2 or 3 weeks that she just simply ignores. on the board money front she paid it today, threw it on the bed saying "your rent is in your room"
answers on a postcard please???
i do not think it is attention
what i forgot to say Anna are that there are no better moments with my eldest - she NEVER and i mean never is preapared to talk things in an adult way or calmly - she screams from the first moment she opens her mouth. i asked her at the outset to set up a standing order and have repeated that request on several occassions since only to be yelled at every time- "i cant do that i work fulll time"- ive told her to do it on line but she refuses - she clearly has no intention of setting one up.
Hi headfulloffog
Your children aren't going to understand your emotions, they are children and have no idea about adult pain.
However they have had to endure their own emotions, upset and turmoil as they come to terms that mum and dad are no longer together.
They don't need to understand, recognise or deal with the trouble between their parents. All they need to know is that they are loved and you adults are dealing with your fall out.
When your children grow up and have families of their own, they are more likely to understand the position you are currently faced with after years of marriage.
But I imagine in their mind at the moment they have moved on, 2 years is a long time in a young persons life and children are very resilient. They still have a relationship with their father and see that he is happy, they now want/need you to move on too.
It must be upsetting for them to see you still in pieces over your breakup, but it sounds as though their empathy is now turning into frustration.
Are you still visiting your counsellor?
I agree, so brilliant what you've been doing.
Hope things are going well.
xx
hello -hope you all doing OK? - I dont know why just kep sending me away and then ive been away overnight with the kids (two youngest and boyfirend) camping quite close to home with a couple of single friends and their kids -we had a nice time and were very lucky with the weather.
i managed to behave quite "normally" pushing the split and cancer to one side a lot of the time while i was with my friends which is positive. was really pleased to have the kids with me.
they go to their dad for 10 days next friday - it will be the longest they have been with him in over two years. they are fine about going but i am dreading it - i know i wont be alone though if i dont want to be - but i am fretting about making contact with people all the time so they dont "forget i am here" and then i end up on my own. I just wish i could be secure in my own company.
also worrying about looming mammogram which should be in septemeber, 12 months after diagnosis. What if the cancer is still there?
and, my daughter has to have a minor op on her foot and i am not working at the moment yet she is thinking of letting her dad take time off work to take her - she did have a dig saying you could both go but i just cant do it- does that make me a bad person? the same daughter was watching eastenders last night with me - one of the characters has a cancer scare and is in a muddled up realtionship with her ex. my daughter said nothing about the lady having cancer, or the way the man behaved, her only comment was "that is harsh" when one of their daughters told the man to go away and leave the mom alone after what he had done. Why do mine continue to treat me like the one who caused all this upset/split in our family when it was their dad who had an affair, behaved badly and went off.
ive tried soooo hard to hold it all together and ive dealt with cancer yet they are horrid to me a lot of the time why is that????
Hi headfulloffog. Camping sounds as if it went well. Glad the weather was good for you all too. It's great that the two youngest went with you and also enjoyed it. Being out of the home seemed to work wonders! Now back to normality. Of course you're worried about the appointment for the mammogram. Keep thinking positively, you've done so well, and all of us here, plus your friends will be a constant support for you.
Re, minor op for your daughter. I don't think it makes you a bad person for not wanting to go along with the ex. When I read that, I did however wonder if not going would be more ammunition for the children to throw at you. On the other hand, she does have her Father going, it is a minor op, and I'm guessing you'll be the one looking after her until she's on her feet again, for a few days maybe.
I don't know why they are still horrid to you despite all that you've been through, and I think you're a saint, for putting up with, and taking all that they seem to throw at you. You'll be having a longer break than normal from them soon, so just see how that goes.
I'm sorry that your children are not being understanding. I have no idea what to say.
xxx
Hi headfulloffog
Glad you enjoyed camping.
Always the next set of tests will hang over your head, I am sure the breast cancer site I recommended to you will show you that that happens to most women in your situation. Putting on my logical head now, take two women. One is 50 and goes along for her first mammogram ever, as part of the national screening programme, one in eight women will get breast cancer at some stage in their lives. The other woman is you, who has had the very best cancer-eliminating treatment over the course of the last 10 months. Which woman is more likely to have breast cancer?...I am thinking it is not you.
As for your children, I had a chat with my son about this, I had a theory about why they are behaving thus, he is 16 and is a sort of agony aunt to all his friends (wonder where he gets that from? heh heh) Anyway he agreed with my suggestion....teens are inherently selfish, it is not that they are horrid people, it is NORMAL. Yes they will cry and empathise with fictional characters such as in Eastenders but let anything threaten their own 100% self-centered focus, such as a poorly mother, then forget it!!!! It is part of their protective mechanism, they cannot cope with you being ill, or still being upset about the divorce so they deny it is happening and blame you. Let's face it, even when we are well we have a battle royal on our hands to get them to think we are anything other than their willing slaves!!! Just think of how many teens you hear about who may help in the community and people may hold them up as shining examples of the youth of today and then they are foul to their own families.
Did you ever read one of my favourite books.....here? It explains a lot. I think it would be helpful if you could separate out the fact that you have had cancer and realise they would be like this anyway and they wont change just because you are ill. If you want rules and board money, which is eminently reasonable of you, then only YOU can do it, as per all the things we have said earlier in the thread...and if you choose not to lay down the law then that also is your choice, but you have to take the consequences. So.....choose which way to jump.
Please use the time they are away to enjoy the peace, do things you want to do....as for worrying about pestering people, confide in, say, two close friends and ask them to be in touch with you every day even if just a text. You can do this!!! but the answers lie with you and ONLY you.
Hi headfulloffog, I am glad that you have had more little breaks and that they have been fun. 
I just want to remind you that young people need to feel secure. If their dad is appearing strong and being in control then it is quite human of them to veer towards him.
Any kind of illness can wobble a child, my daughter hates it even if I have a headache and go to my room for a lie down. She will sit on my bed and be all concerned and perhaps get me a tablet, however if I don't pick up in a couple of hours, she soon tires of sympathy and caring and asks whats for supper, or can she go out, or what are we doing at the weekend.
Just writing this makes me aware how draining it is to have a parent who is not well. Although we deserve empathy and care, actually it is not our childrens job and it can quite emotionally challenging for them. Everyone secretly wants their parents to know everything and powerful.
As Louise pointed out in her message, they are teenagers and will play up regardless of how well or unwell you are. You might consider changing your tack?? Get strict on them! (Although I know that if you aren't feeling well, then that is difficult)
Are you still getting counselling?
hi folks - virgin internet been down in my local area which is very frustrating - i feel very sorry for anyone who relies on it for work.
hope you are all ok - my kids have gone to their dad and i feel much better about it than i have before, far less scared - still dont like it but feel far less like sobbing all the while - progress!! ive realised that i am unlikely to be on my own all the time and that it is unlikely that i will be on my own for long and that i should try to not hate the time i spend on my own but that if i cant be on my own at a particular point in time, that it is ok to seek company and not a failing on my part.
Yes, i am still taking counselling and i do thjink it is helping me, to boost my self esteem if nothing else. ive taken such a battering over the past two years or so that i know it will take a while for me to pick mysefl up and move forward with small steps but i also know that the kids WILL get beeter if they see an improvwement in me so i am trying hard to make progress. When i feel much stronger, then maybe Anna as you say, a bit of getting strict and giving ultimatums might not hurt - we shall see. i will re read the "get out of my life" book again by way of refresher as you suggest Louise.
have made a few plans to see people for the time the kids are away which feels nice.
Hi headfulloffog
I'm glad you've had a better time. I think that does come as time passes.
I hope you're enjoying visiting your friends.
xx
Hi headfulloffog
Glad to hear that you are seeing an improvement, it won't happen overnight but you are on the right road, and I feel sure that you are right, that the children will improve as your health improves, for all the reasons in my last post.
Try and do as many nice things for yourself as possible during this time 
Oooh headfulloffog, enjoy your child free time How long have you got to yourself?
hello folks - sorry not posted, partly due to virgin internet being down here for a lot of last week but also, ive been visiting friends while the kids are away which has been nice for me - i really hadn't realised how much the chemo changed what i could do - i have felt quite liberated to be able to do normal things.
still fretting about the forthcoming anniversary mammogram - don't have a date yet but know it will be some time next month.
really missing my kids, keeping myself occupied whenever possible. got a flat pack cupboard to play with tomorrow -OMG as my kids would say!!
hope you all ok - enjoy bank hols
Hi Headfulloffog. Enjoy playing with the flat pack tomorrow, hehe. That should keep you busy. When do the children come back? Sounds like you've been keeping yourself busy too, which is good. Apart from assembling a cupboard, do you have any other plans for tomorrow?
Wow you are a brave lady wrestling with a flatpack
Glad to know you were able to visit friends and feel some of your strength returning after your gruelling treatment. It is long time for the children to be away and you are doing the right thing keeping yourself busy.
I still say what I said before about the mammogram, that you are at less risk than someone who is just coming into the screening programme. But it will be good to get it out of the way and get the all-clear, for your peace of mind, I know.
Take care and good luck with the carpentry!
I used to quite enjoy a flat pack! And one of the kitchen cupboards in the Scout hut is 'one I did'!
Thinking of you, and I'm sure the cupboard will look superb!
One of my lot even says lol now instead of laughing...
Hi headfulloffog, your post sounds very upbeat, it sounds as though you needed this bit of time for yourself
Also to be able to recognise that a lot of what you have been going through is due to the cancer, rather than it being all you!
Have fun with the flat pack! I'm with sparklinglime, I love them! Enjoy!
Love em or hate em, guess it has to be done 
Hi Headfulloffog
I have only just joined this site two days ago and I read your post and have a lot of admiration for the strength in what you are dealing with at the moment. I don't think you can see how much you have had to go through with divorce, cancer and teenagers.
Three members of my family have been effected with cancer. My mum has had such a lot going on I couldn't burden her with my own problems especially as my sisters is very serious and is brain cancer. She is going for an operation that will take over 11 hours. She could end up losing her sight.
I have two daughters who are 13 and 15 years and am finding it very hard at times and also feel alone with it all. The only
time they seem to want me is when they want money for their social lives! And I put them first and end up with nothing for myself! With out anything else to contend with teenagers will
push you to extremes and be infuriating alongside selfish.
I reckon i will be in the guinness book of records for the largest number of calls made to parentline.
Grab as much support thats on offer, whether from friends, support group, counselling, whatever it takes to get you through this difficult time. One day you can look back and remember how strong you were. Lots of fantastic support from this site and meeting others going through cancer treatment and sharing their experiences with you.
The last flat pack i did was a computer desk, i remember swearing and putting a piece in the wrong way. A real sense of achievement when i had finished though.
You are incredibly brave and you will get through this. Set yourself small targets each day and with all the therapy you will have good days and bad
Great post, suzziesuze
hello suzziesuze- you arent alone as ive found out,....please dont think that....the folk on here have been an incredible support to me since i found the strength to "talk". it is the apparent selfishness of teenagers that really hurts isnt it but the more i see and hear, it is "normal" for their age , it is just unfortunate that we would like their support when we find ourselves on our own.
i too have callled parentline and found it fantastic to just have someone there immediately to calm me down or let me just blurt it all out.
well,my flat pack putting together was a success- i felt very proud of my achievement.however, since then this week things have gone rather pear shaped. i coped remarkabley well with the time on my own and could actually say for the first time in over 2 years that i enjoyed some of it (yes i do think Anna the cancer has taken away the real "me" for a while)
the kids (the two youngest) returned from their dad and all was ok for one evening. then, my eldest kicked off big time when i dared to move (out of the room where the new flat pack is) four ornaments that had been wedding presents. i kind of subconciously knew that my eldest might react so i put the ornaments on the surgface in the kitchen for her to pick up if she wanted them. I have to say that throughout the time since their dad left over 2 years ago, i have never so much as shredded a photo as some women would, and the house is very much as it was when he left because i have realised that the kids (partic 19 year old ) cant cope with change - agian other women would have been much stronger/angry?? than me and wiped out all evidence of their ex immediatley.
so, she kicked off saying that by moving ornamwents, i was wiping out their past and all stuff that realted to dad. i was calm amazingly and just said "you can have the items if you wish" and for once i did say, i need to be able to do things, your dad has a whole new life, a new partner and a flat with new items none of which realte to our past. i can undersatnd her angst but it has taken me 2.5 years to get to the point where i feel i can move things and surely that is not unreasonable? i am not riding rough shod over their feelings at all. so she screamed about that
then, i was berated by her and the other two about the family photo albums which until about a year ago had lived in my bedroom. they are photos that i have taken from when i was 16 and first met my ex through to 2009 when he left. i found them painful and with the help of a friend we moved them to her house where they are safe in her spare room until i feel i can have them back. all of the kids have berated me since they went but i have reassured tham that all they need to know is that they are safe and will come back. had i had somewhere in the house other than my room to keep them i would have kept them but they were making me feel physically sick being in my room. i will not tell the kids where they are as i want to be in control of when the photos are fetched. they keep screaming at me - i have siad they just need to trust me that they are safe and will return but they will not rest until i have told them where they are.....
then, i had to use two sums of money that were in the kids names to reduce the amount of mortgage to a level that the bank wouild lend me. the money was money that had been put by my parents with a letter saying that they could have access to it when they were 21. my mom who as you have gathered is of no support to me with the kids has conveniently, "lost" the letter that my dad (who is in a home) wrote and will not tell the kids that it was ok for me to use the money to keep the roof over our heads after their dad left which is thr truth. instead, i have been told by my kids that i am a thief for taking their money. again, i have told both of them tha they will have their money as grandad intended when thay are 21 becuase i will sell up and give it to them. why cant they see what i have done to safeguard their home. to have my own kids branding me a thief is horrid. and having been ill, why are they so unkind? my younger daughter had a go at me whilst we weere driving to a shop for her the other day, telling me i hadnt told the eldest one that she would get her money. i must have repeated 20 times to her "i have told her" she just kept saying "you havent" which was effectively saying i was lying so i called her bluff and said if you do not trust me and keep repeating that i am lying and will not shut up whilst i am driving then i am going home and i did, without going to the shop- as soon as i turned the car round she started to say she didnt mean it and wasnt saying i was lying!!
and to add to it , we have the usual "board money" battle - the eldest is point blank refusing to pay me once agian. she put her fingers in her ears, yelled, F**k off mom, shut up mom and go away when i asked for it at the start of the month and i have asked this morning again that she go to the bank before she goes out and she has gone out without paying it. My son shook my shoulders the other day which hoorified me and told me that i should be asking her for boaard and that she is "being kind because she offered to pay board will i was on benefits!!!!! - what am i supposed to say when he honestly at 13 thinks that!!!! she was sat on the computer plannig a weekend away for her boyfriend the one time i asked her for her board. i found a piece of paper with her budget on showing that she is earining more than she told me which i already knew, but her board is £150 a month which is 15% of her salary - is that unreasonable?? she refuses to set up a standing order. i am totally at a loss again
sorry folks - i actually feel mad about this this time rather than desparate as i have felt whilst i have been ill. i am close to giving my 19 year old an ultimatum which would be to pay willingly and be civil or eles move out but bacase the other two take her side, i fear they would say "you threw her out" and that they would go to their dad. my mom who could support me with just a few sentences like - respect your mom etc. is not and for some reason i still want/need her approval even at 46. i need the strenght to stand up and be me. the cancer has sapped all my strength and i am living in fear of my mom and my kids. i dont fear my ex any more thankfully but want the approval of those closet to me even though i have realised my happiness comes from my friends who are my family too.
answers on a postcard appreciated!!!!!
Hey!
Not that it counts much, but here's my penny's worth: You are absolutely amazing and your 'childless' time has done wonders for you!
You have taken charge of so many things and not let yourself be trampled over in the process! I bet you didn't find the ornament/photo stuff easy, but you got on with it AND were able to explain calmly why you'd done it! Be proud of yourself!!!!
Stick to your guns re the board money - your son at 13 is obviously entering the phase during which he knows everything and therefore you know nothing - I've got one like that, too, it's a pain and leaves you speechless a lot, but you just have to love him through it. He'll see in time.
You are right, also, that your friends are your family, too. My family is abroad and my friends here have taken over that part - I came back from three weeks with my family family to find a tidy and clean house AND garden - organised by my friends family.
The thing is that you ARE LOVED by many and you have to realise it and enjoy that.
Sending you a very big hug!!! And hang in there, you are fantastic!!! xxx
I agree, your decisions about the photos and ornaments were emninently reasonable and you sound as if you have handled them calmly WELL DONE YOU , and as for turning the car round and starting to return home, BRILLIANT IDEA! It is typical illogical teen behaviour that on one hand your daughter has a go at you for "not moving on" emotionally from the split with their dad and yet ALSO has a go at you for daring to move something in the house which gives an indication that you are trying to do just that. What is that saying? "A mother's place is in the wrong" !!!!
As for the money, that is your affair and I can't really comment on it although I am guessing they would prefer not to be homeless 
. I once used all the money in my son's piggy bank to pay the electricity bill. It was that, or get cut off. I have given my eldest very little help to go to University, as I had to increase my mortgage significantly to pay off their dad and therefore keep our home. He did understand this, though.
Re board money, I believe the "standard" contribution is about 25%. hey everybody, hands up who would like to have a home, all bills paid and be fed for a mere £150 a month? Think you would have a lot of takers there. Sadly she is showing her immaturity by not undestanding this, the only way she will is when she is in her own flat. I guess if she goes to her dad's then she won't learn it at all.
NB sorry for poking my nose in but can I suggest you talk to your counsellor about your Mum? I feel sure that your relationship with her has a lot to do with how you feel about being a parent yourself (sorry, quickly putting my counselling hat away in the cupboard again 
)
Hi Headfulloffog
I had my target of getting out more and trying to build up my social life and after the challenging day with the galz i couldnt face going and my confidence is so low.
I have just come out of a domestic violent situation and its my third relationship thats ended like this. He seemed so nice when I bumped into him on the bus and i so want to settle down and get married. Im 44 years now and had to leave my partner due to violence over 14 years ago.
Any way this guy seemed real nice and we went on a couple of dates and he told me he had brought up his 5 children by himself and it was the wifes who had cheated on him. He was 11 years older then me but he looked young for his age and i enjoyed his company. Any way he told me at first he had been married twice when really it was 4 times. I kind of got bit worried when he kept saying he loved me and wanted to marry me after just a few months of dating. Then as we saw more of each otber he seemed to have a lot of health issues and was on 26 tablets a day. He was a diabetic, had pancreatis, arthritis, gout, depression, testes cancer 20 years ago, he had to take viagara and testerone injections, he'd had cancer removed from his neck. he had tried to take his own life few years back and used to be an alcoholic. He gradually began staying more at mine and he didnt seem to take me out very much as said it was my fault as he got most of his work at weekends and spent it with me. I forgot to mention he made out to be a successful.
businessman but he now lives in a sheltered housing flat as one of his wives rinsed him of 200k. He got very controlling and took over the household. After struggling on my own he seemed a godsend. He cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed and was a builder by trade so could do all the many diy jobs that i had. Then he offered to decorate the girls rooms which really needed doing and truthfully he worked very hard and completed the room in 2 days. I just had to buy the materials. He decorated the bathroom and also bought me a car. The only problem was the jeolousy and he seemed quite insecure. I tried to reassure him as i did genuinely feel for him with his sex problems and as he had told me about the wives cheating on him. He seemed to be convinced i was up to things and unfortunately for me a lot of my exs would ring and one turned up at my house. This didnt look good even though i was faithful i can understand him feeling insecure. Then one night my phone rang after midnight and i was nodding off. He snapped at me for not answering and said i knew who it was. He then snapped my sim to the phone and put other sim in and spent hours looking through my fone i just tried to get some sleep. I was in a new temp job and working full time and had lots to learn. He found a text from one of my friends asking to meet for lunch, they were concerned about me in this relationship. I never met them and he started hitting me asking who the fuck it is, then he tried to strangle me and threaten to kill me. My elder daughter came down and broke it up and left. I went to work next day wiv hardly any sleep and severe bruising to my upper arm. He rang me saying he wanted to see me. Later that evening he came round my house and poured petrol over himself infront of my daughters and had lighter. I rang the police and they took him to hospital as i told them he might have cancer and is on a lot of medication. I then reported him for assaulting me.
Its been a really difficult couple of weeks and i have hit an all time low. I didnt want to get up, i lost interest in everything, i also lost the temping job the next day.
So yes my confidence and self esteem are low at the moment and my daughters didnt support me. They said i was putting it on and staying in bed for no reason. Obviously they are not old enough to understand!
I do feel guilty too as i dont feel have been a good parent.
Wow suzziesuze, you feel guilty!!! You should be massively proud of yourself for escaping from this abusive and controlling relationship and moving forward. None of us can know how things will turn out when we start seeing someone, and sometimes things that have happened to us in the past influence how we see things and we can get a distorted view. I so understand what you mean about it being a relief that there was someone else to help out, in the early days Parenting alone is a very hard job and it is great to have some of the pressure taken off. When things became bad, however, you got out, that takes amazing strength and determination
You make a good point, that teens really have no idea what we go through and actually they have very little empathy, any of them, except with their friends. It is astounding to hear what they can say, sometimes!
Glad you have found us, we can support you as you rebuild your life.
And here is hoping that today finds you Ok, headfulloffog
Hello suzziesuze. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you've done nothing wrong, so please don't feel like this. You were extremely brave to walk away, plus reporting your ex to the police for assaulting you. That must have been horrific, seeing him pour petrol over himself, awful for you and your daughters. Stay strong, as you're doing great, and like everything, it'll take time. Take care. xx
headulloffog, I have just read your messages, I feel really good for you. I know that your last post sounds a little sad, but you are going through the phases. Well done for all that you have acheived, especially telling your daughter that you need to move on.
I also think that it is brilliant that you are beginning to feel angry, this is all part of the process and you are entirely entitled to feel angry, it will help you to be more assertive. Just ensure you recognise the anger, but not act on it. Have you done our free online assertiveness course? You may find it helpful
I think an ultimatum is perfectly reasonable for your eldest, 15% is not a lot, but do it when you are feeling emotionally and mentally strong. Not only will it show her that you mean business now, but also the younger two.
I get the feeling that you have been pushed around quite a lot over the years by members of your family and it sounds as though your time is coming, when you start putting people in their places and telling them how things are going to be!
Dear suzziesuze, what a horrendous experience you and your girls have encountered. Are you getting support from a professional agency?
All the tactics and personality traits you mention of your ex are very similar to all abusive men, have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Have a look at the link, there might be one near you, I learned so much from the programme and now know what to look out for in future relationships.
Interestingly, you noticed that he was being a little pushy from very early on and this often seems to be the case, however we really want to be 'in love' or this to be the 'one' we often ignore our initial warning signs.
You are a strong woman and have so much to offer others. Your daughters have been through a lot and I think you all need some TLC. Kids are resilient and very good at hiding their real feelings. Do try and keep communciation open with them.
If you are unable to find a Freedom Programme near you or at a time accessible for you then........
****BREAKING NEWS***
We will be providing it as an online learning course within the next couple of months!
You will learn about abusers tactics and how to recognise them.
You will look at your own beliefs and re evaluate them
Hopefully you will feel empowered and make some changes to your life.
We will let you know when it is available online
Hi Headfulloffog
I am so sorry, I am new to the forum and was trying to highlight my empathy in how insensitive and selfish teenagers can be. I feel real bad as this as diverted from your post.
Thank you for responses and support, please i will reply on my own post 'New Beginnings' in the new introduction section.
I can relate to what you are saying and you have to stick to your values and what makes you happy. Your happiness should take priority and if moving a few ornaments or keeping photos a way for awhile then just do it.
I often have to ignore my girls especially when they kick off and show your attention is not on them, humour helps in diffusing situations. I got an apology off my 13 year old yesterday purely as I stuck to my principals and didnt give in to her demands.
I am hoping things will improve when they go back to school. Just got some trousers to let down and alter. Ensuring they don't slip with their chores.
suzziesuze, I think your post was brilliant in highlighting your knowledge of how insensitive and selfish teenagers can be!!
I have put a link in your post to where your thread New Beginnings is, so people can visit there too.
I think we are all glad the children are going back to school!! (For different reasons!)
Headfulloffog, are is your middle daughter at 6th form now?
hope you are doing ok suzziesuze n please do not apologise for being here on this thread - you made very valued contributions and i wish you well and congratulate you on gettting away from aggression.
you have probably realised that if i disappear for a day or so, it is either because i am "up and out" or, "low and not wanting to moan" - i have to say it has unfortunately been a low for the last few days - 2 of the kids at their dads - handled that far better than usual cos they were vile before they went and i actually felt a sense of relief when they went -Progress???? but.........
my eldest has continued to treat me with contempt and i unexpectedly delivered the ultimatimum that she needs to do x y and z or make alternative living arrangements- i did not set out to deliver the ultimatum but as you know i have been close to that point for some time, a friend stayed over last night and so was here this morning when my eldest made some comment that pushed me to take action whilst i had someone with me for support.
Imy friend n i ages to firstly persuade my daughter to stay in the romm and it was an age before she sat down - she yelled the entire time- i tried deparately to keep my voice calm but have to admit after what was probably about an hour of "talking??" i did loose my temper and yell at her and that ended the discussion. i didnt swear.
She is an extremely angry person but cant see it - she said she is happy with her job/her boyfriend and life but cant seem to see that her attitude and behaviour at home is wearing me down. Amongst other things she accused me of not giving her adult responsibilities -she wants to just come and go as she pleases including staying out at night without telling me - i tried to say that all i want is a text from her to say "im staying out" if that what she chooses - i dont want or need to need to know where she is, just that she is safe so that i can sleep easy in my bed. We didnt discuss adult contribution to the houesehold practically
she said she cant set up a standing order for the board - i disagreed and my friend baccked me and i have given her until 23 rd september to set one up.
she screamed at me about me not being at work yet- she just doesnt understand. I invited her to come to my GP with me for him to explain why i am still off. Her attitude n the way we are living if it continues, is going to make it even harder for me to go back to work.
She also screamed about the small changes - ornaments and photos that i have recently made - yet on the other hand she said their dad is happier for moving on - i tried to ask her why i was on the one hand having the kids demand that i accept that dad has gone and move on, yet when i try to make even the smallest of changes after more than 2 years i am berrrateed - she couldnt answer me...
i asked that she engage with counselling - she went beserk and basically it was "no not ever."
the utimatum was basically, by 23rd september
i would like to think that she will try to do 1-5 but know there is no hope of 6. where do i go from here????
my middle daughter (yes, she is in upper sixth now) has been a bit cool with me since coming back from her dads and thankfully because my friend acted as witness, we were able to deflect the accusssation that the eldest made of being "cornered" and "told to go" which i knew were inevitable. The eldest is not home yet and i have spent the day in fear of her coming home.
far from feeling good about issuing the ultimatum, i feel lousy, physically drained and low and i am utterly convinced the cancer is still and that the kids would be better off without me if i make them so unhappy as it seems. its been a year since my dianosis and yes, i do think the realtionship with my mom plays huge part in all this -she hasnt even mentioned the cancer or acknowledged that it is 12 months since diagnosis, ops etc and when i asked her for support in asking my daughter for her board (why did i ask he to help? why do i keep trying for something that is never going to be forthcoming??), she said "no" (bear in mind she is my only adult family member) and "I am not taking sides". i am now more afraid of my moms reaction to me having given my daughter an ultimatum than my ex's.
Hi Headfulloffog. I for one think you have done the right thing in giving your daughter an ultimatum. Well done for the taking the bull by it's horns. I'm pleased your friend was there too, for moral support, plus to put the other children in the picture. As for your ex and his reaction. It isn't anything to do with him for one. He isn't the one that is being spoken to disrespectfully, he isn't the one who is fighting month after month for board money. This ultimatum will also hopefully show your younger two that you won't take any nonsense from any of them. As for your Mum, you're still trying because you really want her support. If she happens to kick off over what has happened, explain to her that you have had enough, have been patient long enough, and it is between your daughter and yourself. As for not mentioning the cancer itself, perhaps like a lot of people, she doesn't even want to admit that you have had it, and so can't bear to even think about it, let alone talk about it. When my Dad had cancer, I tried to block it out, not wanting to believe it, until our GP spoke to me at length. You have your mammogram coming up this month too don't you? Obviously you're really concerned about it, and I'm sure that is also bringing your mood down. You're dealing with so much awful stuff right now, but don't ever think your children would be better off without you. They are teenagers that's all. You will all get past this, keep remembering that. What are you doing tomorrow. Anymore cupboards to fix together?
Hi Headfulloffog
Am so tired, just sorting heaps of washing and too tired to iron galz uniforms.
I agree with Hazeleyes, you have done real well and stick to it. Phew! Its good your friend was there to give you the support you need to be strong.
When I read your post, I got quite angry, how dare she treat you this way with all you have done and with everything your going through. Then I remember not so long back when I went through my own mental breakdown. I lost interest in everything, I wouldnt get up, i didnt want to cook, watch tv or read. It went on for weeks, with friends coming and bringing me food or getting take out.
You know my daughters just said I was been lazy and one of them had a dig at me for not been able to go to work. They seem so wrapped up in their own worlds and all that matters is blackberrys, money and socialising.
I took advice from parentline and this forum which has given me the most support through this difficult time. Seriously, hang in there, you are right. My girls are helping more around the home as they should be. Admittedly I have to keep on at them as the only thing I ask is one job around the house per day, I have also decreased their pocket money as I want to make much needed improvements around my home.
Hang in there! My miracle post will make you smle. The miracles are still happening. My 13 year old tidied her room and de-cluttered all the rubbish from under her bed. Yesterday, my 15 year old cleaned and re-organised the bathroom with out me asking her to.
I hope miracles start to happen for you too. Please do stick to what you have said and be strong.
Whenever I come across situations like this in my life. I step out from the emotional turmoil and ask myself this. Would I treat that person the way they are treating me?
She will come round, Headfulloffog.
Hi headfulloffog
A quote to share
Wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from foolishness!
I saw this written on a green wheelie bin near my work place so I don't know where this is from. It just seems quite poignant with my own life experiences and am sure we can all relate to this.
Life is a journey, we never know what challenges it will bring but whatever it is we will either sink or swim. Remember, what ever it is, makes us stronger. I do not know why I have gone through what I have of late but I know it has made me wiser and stronger.
Tomorrow is another day, be strong, we never have the answers to why we go through things but one day may be when we are older we can reflect back and the puzzle falls into place.
Hi headfulloffog
No wonder you feel lousy and drained!!! what an encounter! You did really well to carry this through, and what a good idea to have your friend there. Suziesuze is right: teenagers just live in their own bubble with no empathy for the normal things of life. You will feel better when your mammogram is over and you get the result as well. Try and see this as a time-limited phase of your life. As the weeks go on you will start to feel stronger after all the treatments and if you don't, you need to chat to your doctor to monitor depression etc, how are you doing with the medication?
hello and thanks for the support once again- no not got cupboards to put togeterther today more is the pity! i enjoyed that. unfortunately got a funeral to go to, an aquaintance but someone who will be missed by a lot of people.
the "miracle" of clean ups did make me smile suzziesuze - i can live in hope eh! hope you are less tired today. i am hoping that as you say experiences of the last few years will make me stroger as you seem to suggest you have become. i still feeel so needy
Yes, i do have the mammogram this wednesday hazeleyes and then it seems i have to wait a month for the results as i have a follow up appointment then - i will be a wreck by then andit must be influencing my thinking i agree- i am so afraid and have gone to that "living in limbo feeling" again - how the heck am i ever going to get back to work?
on that score, i really dont want to go back to my old job but i do not know what would happen if i resign whilst i am off sick. can anyone help me on that? i cant manage if my ESA and child tax were to stop. would i have no benefits if i gave up a job to look for something else.?
re medication louise, i really do think it has had a positve effect, i havent just sobbed as i had done until i started taking it. i do still cry but more in response to situations- my eyes are swollen today after yesterdays "discussion" with my daughter upset me but at least the crying will at least stop now whereas it wouldnt before i took the tablets.
Hi headfulloffog,
I understand your reluctance to go back to your old job, especially if it was stressful.
I don't know anything about Employment Law but I can recommend the ACAS helpline, you have to be patient as it takes a while to get through.
Re your mammogram, of course you have the appointment coming up but I would suggest you have a chat with your Breast Care Nurse and ask how you can get the results quicker....in any case the policy seems to be that if there was any problem you would get called in quickly and they wouldn't just let it lie till your next routine appointment.
Will think of you on Wednesday!!! xxx
Well done headfulloffog for standing up to your daughter, I was very pleased to read that. I want you to repeat to yourself over and over again, I APPROVE of myself. You did what you had to do and obviously it was easier with your friend around, but much better out than in.
Do not fear your mums reaction or your ex's or your eldest daughters. You APPROVE of yourself and said what needed to be said. She is now legally an adult and has to take on board what you have said and if not, she knows her dad's address.
I wonder if you could write a list and stick it to the fridge;
I will not be shouted at in my own home
I will not be treated with disrespect in my own home
I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home
I demand to be listened to and complied with by all who live under my roof.
My home is my castle and I have the right to feel safe, secure, loved and protected by all that live here.
suzziesuze
DON'T iron your girls uniform, I know you have been having battles with them over chores recently, but they are both teenagers and maybe image conscious, if they want their uniforms ironed, they can do it themselves. This is not a job that you have to do.
I never iron, after the clothes are dry I just fold them up, if there are creases they soon drop out! My daughter will pull the ironing board out on the odd occassion, but pretty rarely. It has been such a release not doing the ironing - I highly recommend it!
Hi Anna
Lol, its the only thing I iron! I trust my elder daughter whose 15 with the iron. My younger daughter I would have to suprrvise, I wouldn't want her burning herself or worse still burning my house down, shes 13 yrs but is not as competent yet.
You never get two children the same and i love them both very much but like any individual they have their strengths and weaknesses!
Good luck for Wednesday Headfulloffog, stay positive and keep busy, too much time makes you worry more. Yes am real tired today, went to bed at 3 am and got up at 7 am, finished work at 6 pm and am feeling like a snuze for suze!
Hi suzziesuze, I hope that you managed a kip, how come you went to bed so late? Couldn't sleep or couldn't drag yourself away from the box?!
Do you sleep well once you are asleep?
Hi Anna
Yes i slept real well thank you. I have just a lot on with my newish job, just had my double glazing done after struggling for years and not able to do many jobs around my home as only been working since November 2009.
I also have this surge of energy and positivity at the moment after my mini mental breakdown. Remember when I gone through my 3rd domestic violent relationship it really did knock me down. I spent weeks in bed not interested in any thing, I was so low. I have now bounced back and today decluttered my loft and making use of the skip. I feel alive again.
May be it has helped joining this forum and realising I am not on my own and how difficult teenagers can be. Draining you financially, emotionally and exasperating ones' patience.
I thought I would end up on anti depressants and was too scared to go to my GP as alongside this I am going through my menopause which I think triggered off depression.
Awful experience I wouldn't wish on any one. I am going to mention to my GP as I am fine now but scared if I have a relapse.
That's great that you have felt some energy back, suzziesuze. Hope you got more sleep last night.
Good luck for today, headfulloffog, grit your teeth, get it over with and then after the results, you might find you feel much more positive about the future
mammogram done today!!!! it was far less painful than i anticipated thankfully - phew! i thought i was composed until i saw the first image on the screen n then i just burst in to tears n said to the lady i just want to know if i am ok - obviously she isnt allowed to say anything but we looked at the images together. i dont know what i am looking for but she pointed out scar tissue, glands and ducts etc. she was very calming and got me through it. i have to wait min two weeks for the results.
one of my lovely friends came with me for support. i am so lucky to have my friends (including my cyber friends!)
hope you have caught up on your sleeepSuzziesuze n no you are certainly not alone. i wouldnt rule out the tablets if you think they might help. i battled agasinst taking them for over 2 years from the day my husband left, through my diagnosis and with kids issues before fianlly making the decisio to start citalopram in july this year - i think it may have been louise who said something like , "see the pills as a tool to help you get better, you have to have the right tools to do a job - you wouldnt try to dig a garden without a spade so why should you try to boost your body out of a low state without the pills?" i mulled this over and over and went for it and i dont regret taking them one bit, i wish i had done it sooner cos ive stopped sobbing at last
ive been decluttering a bit too and boy does it make you feel better doesnt it? i cleaned out stuff from under the bed that had been there years. i have doen a trip to the tip and a trip to the charity shop. i hope the cat doesnt sit stil for too long she may get de- cluttered
kids been ok, one daughter had ingrowing toe nail removed so that has slowed her down for a few days. eldest seem sto be making a bit of an effort after sundays ultimatum - she has at least tried to speak /reply to me a few time this week. will see how things pan out.
PHEW got the mammogram done. I know the lady could not giove you the all-clear but it sounds as if she could not see anything worrying
Well done with the decluttering, it can be very therapeutic...and we will wait and see what happens with your daughter, fingers crossed, I definely think it was the right thing to issue her with an ultimatum
I'm glad you've had the mammogram done headfuloffog. xx
Glad you're feeling positive suzziesuze
they are little steps but ones i can take.
saw the gp yesterday and he said no way to work yet, -he thinks i need to get myself right and that it will take time-he signed me off til october. he said that people he knows who have had radiotherapy without chemo are advised to take a good time to get better and that given that ive had chemo too, going back in october (4 months after rads finished) might still be too soon. he reckoned the citalopram take a few months to get established too and ive only had them for 3 weeks.
me n my daughter are goin to see wicked - first time in london since before my dignosis/op etc and im wondering how i will cope, my energy levels are not what they were. just have to take it a bit slower. not getting much sleep at all these days again cos i am soaked from hot flushes caused by tamoxifan and cant take any hrt cos of effect on the cancer.
here we go yet again with the eldest one and her board - i just dont know what to do? her board is due at the start of each month - to suit her - ishe has been paying it for 7 months now and not once yet has she paid it wityhout being asked and asked repeatedly and this is an intelligent child who could quite simply set up a standing order and be done withv it but she wont do it!! i left it til 2nd this month before reminding her and then got yelled at again last night for asking (with my son pitching in as usual to tell me not to hassle her!!!) if this was a one off, i could understand it but IT IS NOT, it is EVERY month. despite her bad manners and lack of respect, i dont want to loose her and i know that if i gave her an ultimatum , pay or leave, my other daughter would follow and go to her dad saying something like "you made her go" but at the same time the stress every month is just not on.
its not as if she cant afford to pay it- i am only asking £150 per month - i admit she doesnt eat a lot of food and buys her own lunches and does her own washing (not ironing) but does no house work- she is talking of saving to swap her car, has a gym memebership and sailing club memebership - am i being unreasonable.?? i dont think i am but i will take you advice.