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thank you aubergina- so pleased to hear from you and great that you are back at work- i hope it is ok for you and not too tiring. are you working part time? how did you find it going back to see people that you had not seen since before diagnosis?
- i think i am feeling so pressurised by one particular friend who has been the same all the way through both with divorce (she says "get over it") and cancer (she says "be positive, get on with life, get back to normal")
i value her friendship and she is a strong character who influences my other friends too but i cant do what she is asking me to do and as you say it has to be at my pace. post rads i would use the word "floundering" to describe where i am at at the moment. no treatment, fears still all there in my head and cant find a pupose to my life
im just not strong with the kids either - ive still not had board money for june off the eldest and if i am honest, i am too afraid to ask her for it because of her reaction. she has barely spoken to me since she returned from hols on sunday - just back to how things usually are i.e we literally seem to share the same front door and nothing else in our lives. i am fed up of trying to talk to her - yes it ends up sounding like a series of questions but that is what happens isnt it when a conversation is one sided.
i am really fed up as usual.
Hi headfulloffog. Awww, sorry you're still feeling fed up. As for your friend, can you not tell her 'Yes, I'm being positive with regards to the cancer, I am trying my best to get on with life, but it is an almighty shock having cancer, and I am dealing with it as best I can.'
As for the kids, you are the only one who can start the 'rules of the house'. You are afraid to say anything to your daughter regarding the board money, I can understand this as you don't want there to be an almighty row with her, but again, it's only you that can do anything about it. Are you still cooking her dinner when she gets in from work? If so, I would definately stop this, and tell her that your house isn't a hotel. It is like being cruel to be kind, which is always hard, but to save your sanity, get your house back, the respect has to come back. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I know you're finding things hard to deal with, but you're strong, and you will get there. I really do feel for you. xx
Hi headfulloffog,
I have already posted to you about your daughter and the issues you have, but I would just like to say that it is received knowledge that it takes a full year to recover from the chemotherapy you have ahd so your friend is being very harsh when she expects you to recover so quickly. The celebs that we see having cancer...not only do they have a public image to maintain but also they have a staff around them to do all the day to day stuff, and we would all feel a lot brighter and more energetic if we had housekeepers, chefs and PAs 
Take good care of yourself
Hi headfull and others
About the job - I have gone back to it because I hit rock bottom financially and struggling with the £s big time. But I'm only doing very part-time - 3.75 hours x 3 a week at the moment because it is a stressful and emotionally demanding environment, and a job that I was trying to leave before the cancer bomb dropped - hey ho!! At least they have given me a phased return so I can build up my strength and then plan my escape - hope none of them are reading this! My job has changed while I've been away and lots of my colleagues have resigned (speaks volumes!) - so some new faces, some old - some people don't know how to talk to me and others have been great.
I had a shock when I went back though, and I really realised that I haven't been through the last year to go back to somewhere where I feel so frustrated and sad most of the time. So the conclusion I come to is that my cancer is not about getting back to normal, but that things are going to be different for me. I'm not sure how yet, still working on it! But that is where I find some hope, to make changes and take my life in a different direction. I don't know if the cancer fears go away, but I found talking about it helped.
I think Louise is right, that it takes about a year to get chemo out of your system. I am feeling much better but I know I'm not back to how I was, and it has been hard work to get here. After my rads was when I hit rock bottom. I think the floundering feeling is an experience that other people have had when treatment ends, it's not uncommon. Your friend might think she is being helpful, but only you know how you are feeling.
Little things like going for walks, looking at what you eat and drink might help too - Keep on keeping on... you will find your own way through all this I am sure.
Love Aub xxx
aubergina - i hope that you are successful in finding another job that suits you soon - i undersatnd where you are coming from cos i am thinking why do i want to go back to a job that i am no longer sure i am suited to ? but, like you, i have to go back financially so i feel as if i have no choice.
my self esteem/confidence is shot and i really question my ability to do my job
still no board money for june off my eldest. I have asked and been screamed and yelled at for asking for it.
hi everyone
its sunday morning and i am "alone" and lonleyl even though the kids are here!! - they are still in bed - i don't feel quite as bad as i hqave done some weekend mornings though.
positives - i have decided to take the citalapram that the doctor recommended - i am willing to give anything a try because i want to feel better - they are non addictive and i will see it as a "tool" to try to help me, like anything elses.
i am also trying to think of all the little things i can do to help myself (going swimming when i am able to perhaps and ive got myself some vitamin tablets and a coulour for my hair when it is long enough)
negatives- you must think i am extremely weak as my daughter has STILL not paid her board for June and i can say what i like it seems but she isn't budging - i can give her an ultimatum to leave be she can ignore it....
middle child - daughter of 17 chosen to stay at her boyfriends this weekend (and this is her weekend with me) - makes me sad and also makes me question whether i should allow the boyfriend to stay at our house so that she would stay at home (they have been together 18 months and i am not in denial about things but my eldest waited until she was 18 and had been with her boyfriend for 18 months before he stayed - my second one is at the same stage a year sooner - what should i do??)
we have no rigid pattern for chores in the house - i am not allowed to use the word "chores" and i think it is a case of old dog/new tricks so how do i get the kids to help me with things like hoovering/dishwasher when they haventy ever done it before? they might do things when it suits them but they just dont see the need to do things repeatedly or regualary.
whilst i am keen to sort myself out, i am working to a differnet timescale to the kids - i feel a long long way off going back to work yet they are hounding me just two weeks post rads to go back - and once again there is noone putting my voice forward other than me to say, No mom isnt ready/able to go back yet - so all i get is grief when they are with me - how do i stop them hoinding me - it just isn;t helping me - i KNOW and understand what is being said to me, to take my time but the kids constant chipping away at me to go back and ndermining me is not helping is it
Hi headfulloffog. Do you think you are strong enough to give your eldest an ultimatum? You have asked for the board money, and once again she hasn't delivered, and once again she has screamed at you. You don't deserve this. As for your 17 year old and her boyfriend staying over. This is entirely your call. I know you want your daughter to be at home on your weekends, but the truth is, she's a young lady and will probably be out and about anyway with friends etc, so realistically she wouldn't be at home the whole weekend. As for you going back to work, that is for you and only you to decide. It has nothing to do with anyone else, including your children. Perhaps they want you to return to work in the hope that things will start to get back to normal, I don't know. Taking the citalapram can only be a good thing too I think. Personally I think you've made the right choice there.
I do hope you have a good day today. Are you going out at all?
Hi
With your eldest, what would happen if her clothes didn't get washed, unless she did them herself, and there was none of her favourite food in?
My lot will do things when I ask. They never seem to be able to offer, or to do chores good humouredly.
Eldest has gone out with his friends, and told me he didn't have much petrol. What, not wages? Said I... Oh yes was his reply.
I'm afraid hazeleyes is right with them being out a lot. I think in time you adjust to the silence. Only two here this afternoon, and daughter is in her room and the fifteen year old on the PS.
Have you had a doctor's sick note to say you're not fit for work? Surely they shouldn't be moidering you with that. They're being awful!
Yep you can easily refer to medical advice on that one, such as "My specialist has said I won't be ready for work for quite a while yet" Chemotherapy is basically poison...even without the radiotherapy that knocks you sideways!!
I don't really know what to say about your eldest, because the solution is in your hands alone. I would suggest a strike! but in truth whatever you do will only be effective if you can see it through and you seem to feel floored by it at the moment (you might feel a great deal better in a few weeks, with recovering your strength and with the medication ) The best way re chores (when you are ready) might be a Family Contract, where each of you says what you contribute to the house on a piece of paper divided into four columns. I think this will be easier for you when you go back to work as well, as then you have the initial things to put in your column "go out to work, pay the rent, pay the electric, pay the gas etc, that should take up most of your column!!!
As for your other daughter, perhaps it would help if you stopped thinking of it as "your" weekend. Their dad has them certain times (every other weekend?) and the rest of the time she lives in her home, where you live as well. Whereas I do think it would be a good idea to lay down the law as far as chores and rules go (WHEN you feel strong enough to follow through a plan), you cannot expect that she will spend all her time with you, she would not if you and her dad had stayed together, she is grown up now and has her own life. It is one enormous thing we ALL as parents have to face, it is not nice but it is a fact of life 
as the others have said. As a parent this can feel pretty hurtful (well it was for me, anyway) but it's the way of the world.
I know you are right, ive brought the kids up to be independant capable individuals, with the confidence that i have never had. i guess i expected that as they grew and developed in to young adults and flew the nest it would leave my husband and i to have some time together having done a good job - it is the fact that he chose a different path and went off and the fact that ive been poorly that is coulouring how i am being with the kids isn't it?
at a time in their lives when i would have been thrilled to see them doing lots of things and going lots of places, I have become needy and that is just not fair on them. I know that there toings and froings are "normal" but i am finding it sooo difficult to be alone.
ive got the board money !!! i asked my daughter a couple of times over the weekend and she eventually thrust it at me yesterday - she had taken it out of the bank saturday so why she wouldn't just give it to me, i do not know.
going for counselling this morning. hope you all ok and have a good day. thanks for being there.
Well done for getting the money!!!!
Hope counselling is helpful.
It's understandable that you feel "needy", after all you have been to h*ll and not really very far back again yet. A few weeks will make a great deal of difference I am sure, it is just annoying to wait for healing when you have had to endure such a long treatment progamme already 
Hi headfulloffog.
Great news about the money!
My uncle said to me at the weekend, teenagers love to be told 'No', he doesn't have children mind you!
I disagreed with him for a while, but then he told me a story of when I was a teen, I wanted to go to a party across town and get a taxi home at 2am, my dad was out of town and I was pestering my mum to let me go and to give me the money too (I think I was about 15) Because my mum was floundering and unsure, I kept on and on and on and pulled all the tricks I could think of. It was like a battle of the wills looking back. Anyway, the evening before the party, my mum handed me the phone and my uncle asked why I was being rude to my mum. I told him she wouldn't let me go to party etc etc etc and he said. Well you are not going to go. It is too late.......you are not catching a taxi........there's no-one to pick you up as your mum isn't driving around that late.....so you are not going.
I only vaguely remember this as he mentions it, but he said that after that phone call, I said OK then and didn't bother any more about it.
I know it is not always that easy, but older children like to be taken control of. Your daughter actually has shown you this by producing the money, because as you said earlier, she didn't actually need to.
Cor I really waffled on there, how was counselling headfulloffog??
I'm really glad she's paid the board money. xx
That is fantastic headfulloffog. I know you had such a struggle to get the money, but you didn't back down, despite the rows you knew would come. Well done. Let's hope the money comes a bit more willingly next board day!!! xx
counselling was ok - she wants to do life map work and went right back to my childhood memories to see how they influence how i am behaving now. i want things to change immediately for the better but i guess i have to be patient.
have booked some time away with youngest daughter and boyfriend, my son and my mom - pleased that they all seem enthusiastic about going and i think it is what we all need after what we have been through. (eldest cant get time off work) it is quite a long car journey but i will take it easy.
felt a bit better today - still feel anxious but didnt feel as low all day.
Anna that is really intersting what you say about setting out the boundaries clearly and taking control- yes i do think that secretly the teenagers DO still want to be controlled to prevent them having to make decisons themselves.
Yes I think you're right. My son kicks against boundaries but secretly loves them, they keep him safe and "limit" the scope of the scary decisions he has to make now he is nearly 17. The other thing teens seem to want is for their parent to be boring and predictable. I have become a lot more like this with hi, in the last couple of years, whereas I was more flexible as a parent to a younger child, that seemed to fit.
Ok re counselling. As you know I am a counsellor myself and one thing I always say to clients is how long have you been feeling this way and they say "three years", for example and I say "well that is not going to be fixed in two weeks....and if it comes from a childhood pattern then it has been going on a long, long time". I understand it feels frustrating but if she is going back to basics with you then it bodes really well, that you will soon learn a heck of a lot about yourself and can start to choose any changes you want to make (to yourself) and it will eventually give you the tools to change things around you
Hi headfulloffog - yes you are going to have to be patient, but oh what a journey you are embarking on! It can only be a good thing.
Brilliant news that you are all going away - where are you going?
we are going to croyde bay in devon. it looks lovely and i am looking forward to it.
ive had a better couple of days - still felt a bit low today but better than i have done. ive been trying really hard to surpress the fear of the cancer. sometimes it is easier than others.
yes, anna and louise i guess i will have to be patient re counselling.
hope you all ok. how's work aubergina?
OOH I just had to google that, it looks lovely! Went to Torquay pre-children, but that is on the other coast of course.
I don't suppose fear of the cancer will ever go away. All you can say to yourself is that you have had the best treatment they can throw at you and that if it ever does come back, it may not be for many years and in the meantime you are going to make the most of your life and not have this fear spoil it. That is easier said than done, and is another thing the counselling will help with.
Have you started on the anti depressants now? and if so how long did the doctor reckon for them to kick in?
morning Louise and all - i wish i could shake the "heavy and anxious" feeling in a morning. my thought patterns are definately most negative in a morning, had a real "why did he go? and i wish he was here" moment today - stupid isn't it?.
ive got citalapram from the doctor - the dose 10mg a day - apparently that is the ease you in and to see if there are any side effects.
After a week, i will take the equivalent of 20mg a day. it is unlikely to have any effect while i am taking 10mg. I feel ok so far.
i am facing the weekend where the kids go to their dads - i feel a bit less anxious about it i think. i realise i can be on my own - i am on my own most of the week after all.
It is the time when they are with their dad that is most difficult for me (it is how my imagination leads me to think it is all perfect when they are with him/that they will want to stay with him/and at worst, that i want to be with them cos i feel excluded, which of course i am because he has left (my family unit) that hurts.
i recall you saying there was a lady with young children who went to piececes when her kids went to their dads. how did she overcome her distress?
Hello headful
Well there are no magic cures for that one, the lady had one little boy and she just found it unbearable when his dad had him once a week, the only way she found to cope was to keep herself massively busy that day with friends etc, she could not even bear to see other people with their little ones at that time. I know you already have this "busy" remedy up your sleeve. The mornings sound the worst for you and I am hoping that the citalapram will help you with that
i think i am wearing myself out by being busy. for the first time, this weekend i have actually wanted to stop and slow down and be at home on my own, yet when it came to it, i couldn't face it and i have kept myself as busy as ever so that now i am shattered.
yet as i say, i am alone in the week, and it is the fact that the kids are with their dad- i just cant handle it. this is just soooo horrid.
also had a text off a lady i met via hospital who had a lump removed same time as me and who has found another lump and thinks her cancer is back - i am so sad for her and it makes me so scared too.
Hi headfulloffog
I can only imagine the worry you're facing. And how upsetting for this lady too.
I have to say that the last time the children went to their Dad was only for three nights (he classed that as a week...). I just pottered. I had the radio on all the time though. Went to see some relatives who came up to see my Aunty, which was lovely.
It's not nice, yet somehow I got to like the quiet. I don't feel alive unless the children are around me, how ever much they drive me batty.
But they would come back happy from their Dad's and youngest would throw himself at me he was so pleased to be home...
The Git will phone now and it unsettles me.
I know there are no answers - I just wish there was.
We're here for you though, even if it is 'only' a message board...
my lad is back phew! (daughter gone straight to her boyfriends and eldest still out
after weekend at her boyfriends) i know being without the kids is something i am going to have to accept in the future as they grow up and away (which is already happening with the girls) but i have to get to grips with the loss of the future i had planned spending time with my husband after many years of being parents. knowing that he wanted something different is horrid and i just cant imagine having no one to share my life with.
ive spoken to a friend today - she is on her own too - she said she felt "flat" for the same reason - sundays just exacerbate the loneliness and loss of family don't they.
also, we have a mutual friend too who seems to attract the attention of men easily - my friend and i are a little more reserved and don't have the same effect!! (and i wouldn't want that anyway) but we were commenting that it does make us both sad cos we imagine being on our own all the while.
Hi headfulloffog. So sorry to hear about your friend. I can imagine how worried and scared you are at the moment too. Glad your son is home now. I loathe Sundays, don't know what it is, or why, but I always have, even growing up!
I know someone, single parent, who has had 3 different men since last year. She loves the attention, but like you I'm more reserved, and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way either.
I do hope you have a pleasant evening. Take care. xx
I'm glad your son is home.
I think as they grow up, the change to where they're out with their friends rather than home is gradual, so you sort of adjust - almost without noticing.
fell off my perch a bit this morning, was quite tearful with the counsellor but she said to let it out and i hadnt cried all week which is good.
bit worried though cos i upped the dose of citalopram yesterday, following docs instructions, n i thought that should make me feel betterr not worse.
been busy again and am feeling apprehensive about packing for hols cos i am out of practice at doing "normal" things like going away. i used to pack for 5 of us several times a year and now i am mythered by packing for just me and my son - what's happened to me?
The new dosage will take a few weeks to kick in, that is the unfortunate thing about anti depressants, that they take a little while to work. In a perverse way I am glad you had a good cry at the counsellor's, it is very therapeutic you know.
You and your son don't need much packing. One really good tip is to envisage yourself lying in bed in the morning, think to yourself "I will be wearing my jamas (put jamas on list) then go into the shower (shower gel and towel on list) then clean my teeth...." etc etc and walk yourself through a day, don't forget your phone charger and your hairdryer
Hi headfull
Not been on here for a while, it's great you're going on a hol - the change of scenery will be good I'm sure, and being with your kids in a different environment might help you all relax a bit and have some fun.
Thanks for asking about work - its same old same old there I'm afraid. Can't tell you too much about it, not trying to be mysterious but it is quite specialist and make me very identifiable if I blather on too much about it!!
I'm glad the counselling is back on track for you - I am sure it will help you unravel what has been going on and hopefully make some sense of it as well as someone being there to support you, care about you and most importantly not tell you what to do! It's good to talk, and cry - it helps to let it all out. I am just coming to the end of SIX MONTHS of counselling (psychodynamic - OMG!!). Mostly it has been very helpful to have somewhere to talk, with a few reservations due to the fact that my other job is being a counsellor, but I won't go into all that here!
Hope you have a really great time away - you deserve it.
Take care, Love Aub xxx
Hi Aubergina
Glad that things are generally looking up for you now. Even counsellors can be helped by counselling (I am a counsellor too!) but you are very brave to do all that psychodynamic work, eek.
Hello headfull
Are you on the countdown to the hol yet, do you go on Saturday?
Hi headfulloffog
I LOVE Croyde Bay, its beautiful, I have visited many times! Just remember to pack warm jumpers and waterproofs!!
Remember we all have our up days and our down days and we need to look after ourselves and be kind and forgive ourselves, for not being the superhuman that we sometimes believe we should be!
I do hope you have a lovely holiday, it might be nice to take a notebook and pen and then take yourself for a walk, pitch up with a flask of tea and sit down near the sea, breath in the air and write. Do you fancy that?
Hi folks -
im pleased your counselling seemed to work Aurb, not sure if my lady does psychodynamic but she said something about the "reach approach????" not sure what that is but we are definately "back to childhood memories" to work out my response to everything that is happening now. keep plodding with work.
ive actually felt guilty for not being at work theses past few days, i think it is me feeling the pressure from others as ive said before to go back but im nowhere near ready.
yes louise we go on hols on saturday, today is the day for me to try to pack- thanks for the tip. and yes, anna i will pack the waterproofs n jumpers - you know what teenagers are like they will not pack anything sensible so i will pack the spare waterproofs for them.
my eldest is not coming on holiday and, as i know ive said before , she seems very troubled but it is really upsetting me as i just dont know what i can do to "heal" the relationship with her. she never and i do mean NEVER says a civil word to me, she snarls. everything i say to her is wrong and we do not share lives, we simply share a front door - what should i do? i am avoiding conflict at all costs and i an afraid to speak to her but it has got to the point now where she wont even accept an offer of food from me for tea. She is in long term realtionship with a lad who doesn't engage with me either. she has always been difficult and set the tone in the house but this is getting ridiculous - i live on eggshells ALL the while with her. She does some really nice gestures for others but hates me
she took her brother n two of his mates bowling for his birthday and there was a spare seat in the car so I said shall I come n have a coffee with you while the boys bowl she was vile to me even though she was only going to sit and watch them - why is she behaving like this towards me? i feel as if i will never have a relationship with her? people say wait "it will come" but thats when i get scared of the cancer taking me away before things sort out with her (if they ever do)
Hi headfulloffog. I don't know what to suggest for your daughter. Would you consider having a real heart to heart with her, explaining how you feel about the cancer, let her know how scared you are too. She is probably just as scared but doesn't want to show it, and of course she's being a teenager!! Before or after the holiday, perhaps get the house to yourselves, and have a good long chat, or put it in a letter?
Have a lovely holiday, I'm sure it'll do you and the two kids the power of good to get away from 'normality'. Take care. xx
Headfulloffog, I have no idea what to suggest, and I'm so sorry that she's being like this.
I know I as about 25 before I got close to my Mum - and then we never looked back...
I would be inclined to leave it till after the holiday. You not being around could do her the world of good and the more conciliatory you appear, the more she thinks she has the upper hand. Myself I think she needs you to be REALLY tough, and it might take a while til you feel strong enough to do this.
packed and ready to go on holiday tomorrow. we are all looking forward to it. i will be ok once ive done the drive. it is lovely that my 17 year old wants to come with me so i am pleased. a bit apprehensive about how the dynamics will work with me alone with a 13 year old, two 17 year olds and my elderly mom but hey we will give it our best shot at having a good time.
had a message from the lady i mentioned who had found the second lump to say it was benign - phew good news.
thanks for all your support so far - not sure if i will get internet whilst away but will try
Have a fantastic holiday. Glad the lady is ok. Take care, xx
That is good news.
Have a lovely, lovely time
thank you both. night night
Wishing you a wonderful holiday, headfulloffog
Hope you have a fabulous break, you deserve it, I am sure it will do you and your family a world of good.
Fingers crossed with the weather!
Look forward to hearing all about it when you are back
hi all - hope you are all ok?-
well we did it!! a week in Devon. we had a nice week - very quiet where we were which i thought might be a problem with very little to do but, thankfully the weather was kind to us and the lads went in the sea quite a few times and played sports. my daughter seemed happy enough most of the time - just the occassional teenage drama queen moment but mainly directed at her boyfriend rather than me for a change!. i was proud of myself for driving that far too.
my mom was probably more difficult to manage than the kids - she lives alone and is NOT a conversationalist at all. She is happy to sit in silence for hours and is very set in her ways which conflicts with teenagers. Once i got over the discomfort i felt at her silences and accepted that that is what she is like, i was able to sit and read the paper etc.
i did however spend a lot of time on my own with my mom and my daughter got mad at me if i tried to leave my mom to go for a walk (but she wouldnt sit with her to give me a break!!) so i had a funnny old holiday really but depite feeling lonely at times (i wanted someone to be there for me!!) i did relax and we had a nice time. as i say it was quiet and there werent many people to talk to.
i missed my ex at times (inevitable when you are surrounded by families on holiday i guess) and i did think about the cancer but i think that on the whole i coped really well and neither my ex or the cancer dominated my thoughts all the while in the way that both things have for so long. i DO think the tablets are helping because it cannot be coincidental that i have cried so much less since i started to take them than i have for over 2 years. that has to be progress doesn't it? i hope they continue to work if that is what they are doing. i still feel low at times but dont quite seem to fall so far.
i took my wig off when we went away last saturday and havent worn it all week - i dont know what to do know ive returned whether to leave it off? most folk around me know what ive been through but there might still be some who are shocked and question my short stubbly hair.
missed you all.
Hi headfulloffog - welcome home!
Sounds like you had an interesting time away, a bit of a break, a bit of a dawning and a bit of you time too! One thing I used to feel a lot was wanting someone there for me, you are doing everything for everyone else and no oneis looking out for you, but this is another learning curve when you become a single parent. YOU have to look after you and fight your corner and you have to ensure that you do the things that you want, just as you might for one of your children.
I bet it was quite refreshing taking your wig off! You must do what YOU want! Do you like wearing it? Are you wearing it to make other people feel better? If you feel freeer not wearing it, put it away, until you want to wear it! The choice is yours :)
How does it feel to be back home?
hi Anna - yes "just someone to be there for me" is exactly it- when we came to get the luggage out/in the cars, they immediatley looked to me as the parent to do it for example!!! and i wanted another adult to talk to - just to share the day
it doesnt feel so bad being at home - i think i am getting to grips with the house and the emotions it evokes now - i canv sit in the living room which i couldn't do for ages because i wanted my ex to be there with me. i still struggle with the kitchen bizarely though as i feel ive lost my purpose as a mom at the healm of the cooker so to speak - meal times are sporadic now (mainly due to the age of the kids) and i cook meals infrequently now whereas i cooked for 5, daily for 17 years!! i need to take ownership of the kitchen again somehow but havent got the confidence to invite a female friend round for tea because it would just still feel so odd compared to the family life that ive lost.
i have appreciated not wearing my wig this week but i have to say i have been very happy to wear it throughout my treatment - unlike others, i got on really well with it. im really not sure how i feel- i am going to the supermarket in a while and really need to decide what to do????? i dont feel self concious at all without it- its just a big step
I'm so glad the holiday went well.
I do understand with the change of role too as the children get older. Last night I decided to go for a drive after feeding my friends' cat. I needed the loo so cold called on someone and had a very pleasant evening chatting.
It was rather nice as both the older two texted to make sure I was ok (lost track of time and phone was in the car - they knew I was going for a ride). I gave them both a hug and thank you for caring enough to ask...
Is it a warm day today? A friend of mine is having treatment for breast cancer, and she has never got in with a wig - her three year old daughter wears it more than she does. Somehow, after the initial first visit, its something that doesn't really get thought about.
Wishing you loads of hugs with the supermarket trip.
I hope you get something as a treat for you, you've achieved so much with this holiday.
xxx
Hi headfulloffog, maybe its time to buy some new cushions and accessories for the front room, move it around a bit.
Did you buy a new duvet cover for your bedroom? I think we talked about this before :)
I hope the decision of going out with wig or without wig wasn't too strenuous and whatever you decided you felt good!
What is your favourite dish? Maybe it is time to buy up all the ingredients and have that dinner party - not wild and busy, but cosy and friendly? It could be fun!
funny you should say that anna, i "took the bull by the horns" on both counts today. firstly, ive not worn my wig at all and i have been in a supermarket, to see friends and to visit my dad in his care home (he doesnt know ive been ill-he has dementia) and we just told him i had decided to go for a short cut in the heat.
secondly, i have spoken to my eldest about how i would like to make the front room more appealing and she was (for once) quite agreeable to my plans.
and i have resolved that i need to feed myself properly even when i am alone and to enjoy making food for myself rather than resenting being on my own as i have been doing for so long.
my son is going to his dad for a few days and i am taking my younger daughter to the theatre for a treat and then I am meeting up with some ladies who have also had breast cancer at the weekend, whilst both younger kids are with their dad.
Wow lots of decisions there, headfulloffog, and I am sure that they will move you forward positively.
What are you going to see at the theatre?
Brilliant post headfulloffog! It sounds like your holiday did you a world of good, what a lot of positives coming your way, that you have created, well done. 
Hi headfull and all you others
Sorry not been on here for a while - had computer problems and been busy getting back to work! - but have been thinking of you headfull. So glad your rads over, that is a milestone. I found I had some blistering etc a few weeks after mine finished, but kept slapping the cream on and it wasn't too bad as I remember.
It really sounds like you have been having a hard time, when you are feeling low (and physically worn out) everything else, especially dealing with your children, becomes so hard. Please don't let anyone push you into going back to work yet - you have to do it on your own terms and the worst thing in the world would be to go back too early and then get ill again. Anyone who says you should go back to work now has NO IDEA of what you've been through!
Allow yourself some time to get better and stronger, which you will - that is your 'job' now - the most important one you could do! I am only just back at work (despite trying to get back there for two frustrating months) but my rads finished in December and, looking back on it, having the time to look after myself physically, mentally and emotionally has been really important for me. We spend a lot of time running around looking after everyone else, but how about being kind to ourselves? It's not a luxury, it's essential after what you have been through and you are so worth it.
Take care and love from Aubergina xxx