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Well done Chacha, at least you got it sorted. You will have to see how it goes now!
Any parenting specialists out there???
its all gone wrong again :-(
Hi Chacha
Someone in the team is on here every day even at weekends and holidays so just tell us what's been going on and we can see if we can help
It's just all we arranged last week, phone calls, visits, dealing only with each other all went out the window yesterday as he passed his phone to HER. He broke the rules what we agreed and she was really nasty in what she was texting.
im worried about my daughters little head when she visits there and I do have genuine concerns about this woman and also her dad who seems to let it all happen.
I am hopefully seeing my solicitor next week but I think it's easier if there's no contact. He has told me he will pay the basic CSA amount and it's up to me to get on with it.
im so gutted and sad, can't believe he let this woman talk to me like that.
x
Hi Chacha
It is always surprising when the other person behaves in a way we think is out of character, and then I guess we "could" think that maybe we are finally seeing them in their true colours, how sad and how disappointing. As for the new partner, please try not to engage with her, and see what your solciitor says next week. What are your weekend plans?
Hi Louise,
I had a lovely weekend which helped. Just wish I could wake up one morning and not think of "the dark side"!. But I'm sure that day will come. Hoping to see my solicitor soon so will let you know. X
Hi ChaCha, the 'dark side' WILL pass. I am so sorry to hear that after you calling him, it feels like it has all gone wrong again.
It will be good to get things sorted out through the solicitor.
So why did he pass the phone to his new girlfriend, did he feel that things weren't getting sorted out?
Hello all,
Its been a little while since I last updated you all so here goes!.....
well the situation really is unchanged, I have now cancelled my divorce as it was all becoming to much, my estranged husband has changed so much for the worse, again, he hasn't seen the kids for nearly 4 weeks, now declares he's skint and is offering a pitiful amount per month which has led me to start worrying about how me and his children will survive, all this on top of the fact he still shows no remorse for the destruction he has caused and seems to hate me. When we do communicate, normally by text he is so horrible, I still can't get my head around the fact that he has caused all of this pain and heartache but still doesn't see what he's done. He seems happy to be separated, he has posted pictures on FB of himself, his new partner and her two daughters, one big happy family....How can he sleep at night knowing that his new relationship is based on lied and deceit?.
The situation is constantly on my mind, from the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep, the ache is always there. Then I might dream of him so I never get away from it. I am trying to move on but it's so very hard when my home is surrounded by memories, every time I look at our baby son I feel so sorry for him although I know he will be ok without a full time dad in his life. Our daughter who is 5 is ok, she's happy but doesn't talk about Daddy, sometimes I just don't know what to say if he pops up. He is still reluctant to have 121 with them, I just don't get how he can't text me asking after them. It's all very weird and. I do believe his new partner is calling the shots. I think they both thought id be a pushover and simply accept the situation and immediately let him take them to his new family......no way!.
but, I really thought he'd have broken by now, again, how can an amazing dad and husband turn into a selfish, uncaring man overnight?.
I will never get my answers from him as he has shut down on everything he once loved and wanted. I feel really sad tonight.
x
Hello Chacha
Sorry that you are feeling so sad. You say you have put the divorce on hold, yet nothing will move forward or be resolved until you go through this process.
As for the money, firstly the "assets" will be sorted out by the courts after the divorce (another reason to get it moving) and secondly you can get child support paid by the Child Support Agency. They have a set formula. This does take account of the children in the new relationship if he is living with them
You might also find it helpful to have a look at this article about talking to the children about their dad.
You mention the memories around you, Of course the children themselves are very much part of that but one thing I would suggest is that you seize some control of your environment and move the furniture round, bag up things that belong to him and tell him to collect them, buy a new throw or picture, put your own stamp on the house. It feels at the moment as if things are in a rather "paralysed" place and it is for you to take charge of the situation, you will probably feel better when you do.
As for your feelings, no magic wands there, it seems that in some respects you are still in deep shock about what has happened and I am not surprised! Just go from day to day and let time do its work. You can come on here and talk about things at any time; we are here for you 
Awww, I'm sorry things are so hard.
I know it is shocking how people can change, some by choice, as your husband has done, and how you will need to down to circumstances.
Even if he were to come back, things would never be the same.
Please do as Louise suggests. Just small bits at a time to make it cope-able. Baby steps will get you there. Try to fill the house with upbeat music and laughter too. The children will benefit from that too as seeing you doing ok (well with them, at least) will make them feel life is ok too.
Delete him from your FB page and try to move him to a different role in your life - as that of Git and father to your children... 
Hi Louise, thanks for replying....
A divorce just all seems so final to me emotionally. I feel happier being separated and also I feel it makes it easier on those two horrid people. There are no assets as the home holds no equity and the mortgage at the moment is very small so it makes sense for myself and the children to stay here. All his clothes went in the first few days, but other possessions are now in the garage, he doesn't seem to want them or his paperwork, passport, birth certificate so I'll hold on to them, there out of sight so out of mind.
He is paying me the CSA recommended amount for 2 children which is £260pcm, I do feel this is peanuts, just because the person has left the property, the bills still remain!. Things will be very tight with my wages and WTC etc but i'll just have to manage. The ball is very much now in his court regarding contact with the kids, I have never stopped him seeing them, simply asking for 121 contact to reconnect with them, but he still doesn't see the problem in slotting them in to his new family, so my new way of thinking is, I will not let him or her know that I am peed off, not getting divorce gives me the control over the kids. I think they both thought I'd be a pushover and because SHE has gone through this, I feel she is advising him on what he should do. He is a very weak and easily led man, but also very very stubborn and although it must hurt him, for some reason he won't contact me about the kids.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I will be returning to work, the task ahead is immense but I do feel blessed that my kids are happy and healthy and all mine. I know he has rights to see them but I am not offering any more olive branches to this man. He has made his bed, he has to lie in it. Only his conscience will make his see sense......if he ever does.
Xxxxxxxx
Thanks sparklinglime for your kind words x
For the last three years I've had £58 a month for four children... Before that it was £32!!!
Got to laugh...
I'm not saying this flipantly, but you will be ok. Your children will get you through this. x
Hi chacha
Many of your current feelings mirror exactly what i am feeling...I totally understand what you are saying. A good friend of mine was just round here having a cuppa and she has been through similar. she has told me before I read the posts to do esxactly what Louise has advised you...sort out the financial side of things, change your living space, get rid of the rest of the ex's belongings etc.
i know that although I have reached this point where I am at (still trying to understand how things got to this stage, still in "shock" exactly as you describe, ie not sleeping and spending much of my waking time thinking about him and her, etc), i have also got "stale" and am not moving on further as much of my ex's stuff is still here (i have no garage unfortunately!). He has made no move to get these, yet I am understanding that this is so important to be able to move on.
I have decided I am going to speak to him tonight about this and also see a solicitor now to at least get the financial side agreed and written down.
i wish you lots of luck and strength, much as I know I need to do this myself.
take care x
Hi Renelle
It IS very hard but taking some action does actually help you to gain some control over what is going on.
Hi Chacha,
Child support amounts vary wildly. I have a friend with two children who receives almost £700 a month whereas for the one boy I have left at home I get £40 a month!
Hi ChaCha, I am glad to see you are back, but sorry to see that you are still not in a very good place. What activities or plans could you make to help you feel better? I liked sparklinglime's suggestion of turning up the nursery rhymes and having a dance with your children. There is a new life for you just waiting for you. When you are ready you can grasp single parenthood with both hands and really enjoy it!
Renelle, get his stuff out! It is so refreshing! Get some black bags or some boxes and start packing it up. Don't wait for him to come and do it. Then you can let him know when it is all ready! I am sorry, i keep talking to you on other threads, but I am not really sure of your circumstance. Please feel free to start a new thread telling us more about yourself, by going to the top of the page and clicking on Start a new discussion, then you can have your own individual personalised thread, as well as joining in with others. 
Hi everyone, hope your all ok...
I just need to get something off my chest!. My ex last saw our children 4 weeks ago, he took our daughter out for 6 hours and despite pleading and literally begging him not to, he did take her to his new home and to his and family.
The thing is, we are now stuck in a right hole as he refuses to tell me where he will take her, all he says is "I will take her where I like". Now I know he has rights, and I know there is nothing I can do but all I've asked if he could see her on a 121 basis, as there's no other contact (his doing). I don't feel comfortable not knowing where she is. When she came home from seeing him that last time she went be bed sad saying "Daddy said he's living there forever as he doesn't love you Mummy". That seems to have stuck as she mentions it now and then.
I have tried to make him see the damage he is doing but he has turned massively on me, he feels I have stopped him seeing them, I haven't, from day 1 all I've wanted is for his to put his new relationship to the side and be the dad he once was.
What also doesn't help is the fact he point blank refuses to come into our home, god knows how he'll ever see his baby son but I really want to stick to my guns on this one.
What do you think?
X
In theory, what he does with the children in his own time is his business, so long as he is keeping them safe.
I can understand you not feeling comfortable, but it happening is almost inevitable too. I also understand how you want him to have one to one with your daughter.
In my case I had a call to say he'd taken them to Lincoln (I live in North Wales), but I have to say that I guessed he as going to. Not a lot I could do by then, of course...
When your daughter says that 'Daddy says he doesn't love you Mummy', perhaps you can say yes, you know but Daddy loves you very much.
The Git is not welcome into our home after yelling at me in front of the children.
It's a very, very difficult thing to have to deal with when your children are with the other parent.
I'm not saying that what he's doing is right. All I can say is that to him it isn't wrong. My ex would swear that all that has gone on is my doing and that he hasn't put a foot wrong.
The fact is we have to "deal" with it while being positive about someone we'd rather not think about with our children.
Sparkling has put it in a nutshell, Cha Cha. It's tough and that is the top and bottom of it.
The best that you can do is to keep things as calm and stable as possible at home and try not to worry too much about him. It's a month since he saw her, so he is not in her life on a daily basis. He does not have to account to you for where he takes her unless you think he is taking her to a drug den, for example. Try to back off a little and let yourself off the hook, too.
Hi all,
I understand it's his right and I can't do anything about where he takes her/them but it just really gets my goat. He wants it all his way when he has caused this!. He's put me into financial doom and gloom, taken away all our dreams, yet I still have no choice but to let him slot in my kids to his new world. Well I'm sorry but it sucks. I am not having my daughter confused and made sad when she is so little and needs to concentrate at school so I'm not budging. Let him take me to court, right now I really don't care! X
I think this is one of single parents biggest frustrations, that we have to basically have to stand back and watch the non resident parent restart their life and become their own person again.
However as time goes by and we move on, we realise that we chose to have children with this person, we trusted them in the past, so we have to learn to trust them again that they will look after our most precious possessions.
We must also remember that they love our children as much as we do, even though they don't do exactly as we think they should or say the things that we know would sound much better than 'I just don't love mummy anymore'
Hi Cha Cha
I totally understand the frustration you feel with what you are going through and that you may feel "oh well, court will get it out in the open" but I do have to tell you that years of experience have shown me that unless a child is in danger then a court will almost always grant defined parenting time, commonly staying alternate weekends and one weekend evening/night. Therefore it seems to me that NOT going to court is a way for you to retain at least some control over the timings of the contact.
Hi Louise,
I do understand what your saying and I don't want to go to court, the situation just really got to me today, plus my daughter now says she hates daddy and doesn't want to see him. I, as usual speak positively of him (through gritted teeth), but I don't like too push the subject. It just winds me the Fffffff up that he didn't want to know them in the beginning when his new "adulterous!"relationship was taking off, the olive branches I offered that man were very generous considering and he threw it back in our faces. Now he swans around in a new car, enjoying 80% of his wages, plus hers whilst possibly plunging us into poverty (after we spent 5 years living in bread and jam paying off an IVA). All I ask is where they will go, he upped and left so I feel I have a right to know. My daughter says she doesn't want to go to his house again so again were at a cross roads. There's no dad to day contact from him, no hands on support or help nothing..... He is a selfish pig who right now makes my skin crawl!......x x x x x x
Yep...
The Git got married in the USA, has holidays abroad to celebrate their anniversary. Has hardly seen the children properly since he met The Gittess in 2007. The children last stayed overnight in 2007. My youngest was 8 by then. We split in 2004.
Since then contact has been a couple of hours here and there - and that was when he lived locally. He moved away 18 months ago, and I have no contact details. He saw the children twice last year...
He pays through the CSA, and I have received notice today that the amount he pays is being reduced from £13 a week to £12.
So no break from my lot (four children, my third child has special needs) and no emotional support.
The anger and frustration never leaves you. I used to frog march my daughter to his house as she didn't want to go. I have to say she came home quite happy usually... I just felt it was right to do.
My daughter is now 18 (she has an older brother and two younger brothers). They should be seeing him tomorrow, but plans are expected to change as his Dad is dying. (I'm very close to my ex-in-laws.) After all they've been put through with their father, they can't wait to see him.
Honestly, I do know the skin crawling bit.
I never know where he does take them (he has taken them across country). I just know that he can waltz in and out of their lives when he chooses...
Honestly, we're not telling you what you should or shouldn't do. My heart goes out to you that you are facing this. And I do sort of understand how you're feeling.
Sorry for rabbitting on. Essay done and stressed out waiting for THE phone call.
Sparklinglime, thanks for your words, you story will help me, and I love the words Git and Gittess!.
I am a strong person, but this man has crucified us the last 12 weeks, refused mediation and seems so strong in not asking for contact unless I give in. I know 6 hours a fortnight will not really touch the sides with my daughters little innocent brain but I just feel I'm being dictated to, yet again by this vile man.
His new partner has proven to be a vicious, angry woman who seems to control him and hates me, if she had gne about things differently, more gently gently, then things might not have got so bad.....but when she starts abusing me then I just pulled up the drawbridge.
I'll just see what happens, his mum and sister can see my point and Are trying too make him see where he is going wrong but like me, their at their wits end.
Me and the kids are happy, I am worried about their future though with the huge drop in income but I return to work in 5 weeks so it'll be good to get out the flat and be non child busy again!.
Thanks for your words.
X x x x x x x x x x x x x
Its good that his Mum and sister are on your side. Do you see much of them? Have to say my in-laws have been my rock, other than the initial sadness from my FiL (she's his step-mum).
Even after 8 years he still rattles me mind.
We lost everything - house, my Chrysler but (The Git had massive debts). Wouldn't change a thing though.
Hi ChaCha
I have every sympathy with the skin-crawling! and with the fury you feel.
Thanks for posting, sparkling, it does help to know that many of us feel the same
Morning all,
I've emailed HIM offering contact this Saturday 10-4, will see what his reply is.
X
I feel like I am going to blow a GASKET!
Surely there is someway we can sue ex partners for emotional torture!?
My ex is now blackmailing me into divorcing him (I can't re-file for 6 months I think), but even then it is my decision and he did tell me he was fine with my decision. He will not pay anything toward the mortgage, just the £260 PCM child maintenance, so he said in an email that he will sign the flat over to me known as a Transfer of Equity. Now he has retracted that saying No Divorce, No Flat. He also wrote that he will deliberately get into debt, go bankrupt so me and the kids could possibly loose our home.
I have emailed the one space legal expert but this man is trying to destroy me. He claims he cares about the kids! So why is he punishing me so much which affects them.
X
Hi Cha Cha
Unfortunately all he is obliged to pay is the child support, unless there is a court order about something else.
It is unlikely he would go bankrupt on purpose as that would affect his own life too much. That is something said in irrational anger. He is wanting you to divorce him for adultery? He could divorce you for so-called unreasonable behaviour (I'm not saying you have behaved unreasonably, by the way, just what a possible next move by him might be)
A couple of things: firstly have you got all your own finances sorted? make sure you have got everything you are entitled to as this will help enormously. Glad you have emailed our legal expert.
Secondly, it seems that what is going on just lately is creating a lot of anger in you. I am not surprised!!!! but you will just become exhausted with all that adrenalin whirling round your system, and you need to take good care of yourself right now, have a look at this article about what to do with the angry feelings.
Hi all, hope you all had a good weekend....
Well I wasn't going to write this tonight, I told myself to at least give it a week but here goes....
The book Runaway Husbands has changed my life!!!!!!.
I was recommended the book on here so I ordered it, it arrived last week and I couldn't put it down!, I was rushing the kids off to bed so I could grab another chapter and I have to admit I went without my usual evening beauty regime (more like washing my hair!) so I could read and read and read....
Turns out, my ex done what thousands of other husbands have done and The feeling I wasn't alone has made me feel euphoric. Ok it's not a medical term, but being able to say (not that I'm proud of it) that Wife Abandonement Syndrome was what happens to me has released me from the horrendous, sad, angry, desolate state of mind I have had for the last 13 weeks. Reading the stories from all those women really opened my situation up to me and for the first time it made me realise that I done nothing wrong,the reason he left was because of HIS ISSUES. The book made me see that I wasn't insane, or a crap wife, it was and still is his problems.
So for the last 3 days I have definitely felt different, I have some powerful words written on a piece of paper that is stuck on my kitchen cupboard, I repeat these words all day, both in my head and out loud and I'm sure my 5 yr old has slipped in a few!. What's important now is that sadly that chapter is over, it's not going to be easy, but it's all about my journey now. If I can make it and be happy, then so can my kids.
The overwhelming feeling of "up yours mate" has taken over my life, I feel strong and positive and all I need to do is keep looking forward. My change is attitude has improved my feelings towards my ex and our daughter, so much so, I allowed him to ring her last night and have made contact arrangements for next week. I have told my daughter Daddy left me, not you, or your brother and that he loves you both so much and can't wait to see you, which is true. It was my anger and bitterness that was in the way.
So, the plan for this week is:
1) Do not undo the last 3 days
2) Stay positive, looking ahead at my new journey
3) Try not to smoke to much!
I wanted to share this all with you as without OneSpace I just don't know where I would be, I'm not logging off forever and I hope I don't come back on tomorrow effing and blinding but I just had to share it with you all and say Thanks to you all for getting me to this happy (ish)stage.
Lots of love
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ChaCha xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Have just ordered it! Sounds like where I want to be....well done Chacha I wish you all the very best...you are definitely getting there xx
Three cheers for ChaCha - excellent post - well done you!
Good luck - do not disappear from us as we want to hear how your life progresses please
Evening all, hope you've all enjoyed the long weekend. Since my hubby left us, I've been writing a very honest journal. Last night I wrote something and I read this to my mum earlier. I have been raving to her about One Space and she said I should post it as it might help someone who is experiencing the same situation as me. It's very honest and personal but I feel I want to share it. Hope that's ok!, here goes:
My life as a 4, left my door on Sunday January 29th 2012,
My daughter lost her hero, my son lost his buddy,
My heart lost its beat, my soulmate had gone,
My home lost its shine, my garden lost its sun,
My mind lost its purpose, my body lost its keeper,
My rings lost their meaning, my role was not wanted,
My children lost their protector, I lost the love of my life.....
******************* FORWARD 13 WEEKS **********************
My life as a 3, is as happy as can be,
My daughter is my best friend, my son is my main man,
My heart aches much less, I'll always remember the good times,
My home now feels again like home, my garden is tidy,
My mind is focused, my body is shrinking!,
My rings are off, I twiddle no more,
My role is chief Mumma,
My children are surrounded by love and protection,
I WILL find the love of my life.................
Hope you liked,
ChaCha
X x x x x
Brilliant - good for you - wishing you much more happiness too
ChaCha, that's brilliant.
Thank you for sharing that with us. It's wonderful.
Nice one ChaCha, that is beautiful, methinks there is a hidden talent there 
Can I copy it and put it in the Life After Separation section of the site, accredited to you??
Thanks Anna,yes off course you can, I'd be honoured x
Thank you very much
You can find it here - 13 weeks later.
I hope you like the title and if you have any images that you think would work better, please feel free to forward them to me
Oh Anna, it's lovely, thanks so much for sharing it. I feel so chuffed x
So you should its fantastic! 
I agree
Thanks everyone x
Fantastic ChaCha
Hi Anna,
You know what you posted earlier for me, it shows my username, can any member of the public see that and then see my original Superdad post and read everything?. X
tht was brilliantxxx
Hi Anna,
i went to mediation, had a nice chat and she explained to me that I would look like the baddy for refusing contact, I said I wasn't refusing it, in fact I was always offering it but I felt he was being unreasonable. Anyway I came away thinking that again I'll be the bigger person and I made contact with him. I rang him, no answer, so I texted and asked him to ring me. I spent the next 5 minutes telling him exactly how I felt, he said he didn't get my a MD card as he wasn't seeing the kids, he also explained he gave me less maintenance as that's what the CSA recommended. Anyway to cut a long story short we came to an arrangement, he will ring our daughter 3 times a week and see her for 6-7 hours every fortnight.
We started the visit from the following day so he came here, picked her up and dropped her back an hour later than agreed, he briefly came in and had a cuddle with the baby, my daughter then went on to tell me that they had ALL gone swimming, she'd seen his new tattoo with HER name on his back, then he took her to his new house, he told her he was loving there forever and that he doesn't love mummy anymore. I was FUMING.........
For 8 weeks I'd tried to fend his confusion from her and he just didn't listen, he has told me he is part of a new family now and that our children are also part of it......OVER MY DEAD BODY.
they are not possessions that can be passed around and slotted in, no way. He is not seeing our baby son as he now refuses to come into our home, he only wants me to text regarding the kids, I told him he can text me of he wants to know.
So he is now seeing our daughter Easter Saturday and every 2 weeks thereafter. Let him stick that in his fishing rod and bloody well poke it!
x