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hi all, i need your advise. My ex and I have a 15 month old son together. He is a violent alcoholic and takes drugs. I finally had the courage to kick him out last christmas. I gave him every opportunity to see our son but it was never good enough or he just didn't show up as he was drinking. I put a stop to the floating in and out access as all i was getting was abuse. I have also suggested on a number of occasions that if he gets help that we can then discuss access but he denies having a problem and says its all my fault. I am now seeing a councillor and have had to go to the doctor as i was getting panic attacks and my hair was falling out with all the worry. Im afraid to leave the house in case i meet him and it starts all over again. I have now received a solicitors letter stating he wants access 4 times a week and an overnight stay and guardianship or else he will bring me to court. Im so frightened that if it does go to court that he will use his charm and get what he wants. I do not feel safe letting my baby into his care as he is unpredictable. Please help
seeing a solicitor on thursday so hopefully get some advise then. I know they're all pro fathers rights now though. I know he is only doing this for another fight. If it does go to court, does anyone know what type of questions i will be asked? I have months of notes on every insult abuse threat, i hope that stands for me. He is going around telling everyone that'll listen that i wont let him see his son out of spite cause i want him back which is totally ridiculous. im at a loss.
well in o my ex only takin me court cos i avnt ad him back, ive tuk him bk loads, but this tym ad enuf,ive ad to do hait strand test as he asays im coke head, test cum bk negative,and i got told my my kids at risk if av av any contact with him, hes notallowed cum nr me or kids, these men wil say anythin, x
Hi darsen
Hello and welcome to One Space. You are doing the right thing by seeing a solicitor. Please try not to worry, you have a lot of evidence to support your case. Your son is very small and even if his dad did not have all those issues going on, that amount of parenting time is very out of the ordinary.
Even if it ends up in court, it is not as scary as you might think. The Family Courts are not like you see when there is a big trial on a TV detective programme, they are much smaller. Some of the parenting cases are even heard in a room which is more like a headmaster's study than a court! Your solicitor would do the talking for you and what usually happens is a case is adjourned for CAFCASS reports. They are court family officers and they will come and speak to everyone concerned at home and at length. Ok you say he is a charmer but if you tell them about his substance abuse, however charming he is, a drugs test will prove things one way or the other. His violence is a major issue and you need to emphasise this so that any contact which is granted will be supervised so that your son is safe.
By the way, have you done The Freedom Programme, following the end of your abusive relationship? Click on the blue link to see the free online version, it is a course that helps you identify the abuse, recognise the patterns and move forward with your life
thanks so much for your comments. I will let ye know how i get on with the solicitor.
Good luck darsen, try not to worry
I just completed the freedom programme. I didn't realise there are so many of us going through the same thing and there is alot of support out there. I really thought i was going crazy but thats how they make you feel isn't it? It was a great help. Thank you
Glad that it helped, I agree, we can made to feel that things are our fault and it is only when we seek and receive support from others that we realise the reality of the situation
Went to the solicitor today and he will respond to the letter i got from ex's solicitor. Now we play the waiting game. In the mean time I got a protection order against him and have a court date on 10th October. He will be there defending himself and calling me a liar no doubt. I wish i didnt have to face him
hi hun at least u got the ball rolling, wish my ex wud disapear off face of the earth but i no he wont, he shouted in court yes judge she refused all mediation she refused everythin, even tho i dont av to do mediation cos of dom,estic violence, i no its hard but u got a soliciter and thts gudxx
Yes, I agree with kiera, you have done the right thing and have now to let the process take its course. He will probably allege that you are lying, as you say, stay calm and tell the truth and you will get through.
getting nervous now. Met my solicitor today again and he says i will have to take the stand and say why i need the safety order. I have to keep it short. Thats going to be hard. I could talk for days about it!! The main reason i want it is for my eldest son whos 10. He tences up whenever he even hears my ex's name. Poor baby. My only hope now is that the legal system can protect us!! I dont have much faith in that though.
Hi darsen
Yes I know what you mean, how about writing down briefly what you would like to say and then you can just read it out in the court?
Court tomorrow, i have no nails left!! Will post tomorrow when its over (for now)
hi aw gud luck, thinkin of u i was wreck bfore goin court, stil get shaky when i think bout it, xx
Good luck darsen, thinking of you.
Darsen, how heartbreaking for you, sounds just like my situation, please let us know how it turns out. My ex hasn't seen our son for two years and I trust CAFCASS to help out and report if he agrees to the divorce. I have just written to the legal help on here as I am a single parent and work part time, I won't get legal aid, if you don't mind, please tell me if you have had to pay and if so how much. My Ex says he won't sign the divorce papers unless I give me regular access to our son, which I won't do without safeguards in place. Please let us know how you get on. Thinkig of you.
Went to court. He had no solicitor with him so it has been adjourned until next month. I have the protection order until the hearing which isnt so bad but now i have to go back! Emmagriffin13, I got legal aid and had to pay €50 and then they pay my solicitor. Sorry about your situation, its just awful how they can buly us into gettin what they want. Stay strong. Im trying to!!
Hi darsen, that must have felt annoying that the court date has been adjourned, it takes a lot of build up of strength and courage before these things so I wouldn't be surprised if you are feeling pretty exhausted this evening.
I hope you are kind to yourself tonight and perhaps give yourself a little treat.
Oh Darsen, how annoying! I agree with Anna, I hope that you are kind to yourself tonight. xxx
Court now on the 14th November. I got another solicitors letter from the ex saying he is going for guardianship and access on the same day. I feel sick at the thought of it and the thought of him swanning in and taking our boy anywhere on his own.
hi darsen how are u, aw not right is it, my court date is 21st nov and im dreadin facin my ex again, dont no wots gona appen tho on 21st nov, hes not allowed conatct at mo,scared inn case he does tho, our littkle girl is 2,ur ex wil av to do drug test wont he and for drink, they wont just let him take ur childx
Hi darsen, you have finally got a court date hopefully the court will take everything in to account about your ex and if any access is granted it will be supervised.
Is someone going with you to court?
its tough isnt it Kiera. Dont know what to expect and what lies he is going to come out with. Thank god i wont be on my own. My mum, dad, sister and god mother were with me last time and they are coming with me again. I am going to push for supervised access and my dad has volunteered to do this so hopefully this will be allowed. I would rather he had no access at all and just left us alone. He has been drinking for the last week in a house near mine and his poor dog is just left roaming the streets. The dog was crying outside my house last night dying to get in. Poor fella.
That is wonderful that you have your supportive family close by and especially that your dad is willing to facilitate the contact
A friend of mine split up from her girls' dad, who was an alcoholic. He agreed to go into rehab to become ok to look after them and she had special kits with which she had to breathalyse him when he picked the girls up, and fair play to him, he stuck to it.
hi darsen sorry to hear your going through such a hard time , i am going through something very similar to yourself my ex wants access to our 6 month old baby and when i refused to let him and his mum take the baby out he bagan threatning me again, i am in the process of going to court and have been asked to meet with medition , im gin to see mediation alone and show them all my evidence why i dont think meditaiion is apropriate because of the dv, my ex also has a drink problem and im pretty sure he takes coke to, he isnt allowed unsupervised acess but has asked through a solicitor for this to be supervised by his mum wich i am not happy with , i just hope that he doesnt win this , he is also deying most of the dv against me especilally the dv through my pregnacy as the mediation knew nothing about it and his solicitors letter has not mentioned nothing about dv either , my heart is is my mouth and i get so upset at the thought of facing him in court accusing me of being a liar , he has threatnd to take the baby and not give her back basically kidnapping her , i am going to ask for contact to be supervised in a contact centre where i dont have to deal with him or any of his family and things can be moniterd but aagain i know that this gets progressed, he has made himself out to be the victim in all of this and makes me out to be the bad person to evryone he knows its so upsetting that people judge other people without knowing two sides of the story , one day i feel so strong and ready to fight this an the next i just feel like crying all day but know i have to stay strong for her , i beleive that i may also have to take the stand if it goes to a fact finding hearing and dont know how i will cope with that , he thinks its all a game and even his family have took his side and belive him over me ,can i ask why did you have to pay if you are entitled to legal aid? x
hey caza, i feel so bad for you. hopefully it'll work out for you if you have all the evidence. Im hoping that will stand for me too!! My exs family have disowned me too and the baby because they believe every lie he tells them, i wouldn't worry about that as long as you have support for yourself xx I had to pay a contribution of €50 and then all other legel fees will be paid no matter how many times it goes back to court.
thanks darsen , its just horrible what we have to go through its like the abuse never ends they find other ways to get to us and torment us, the family havnt disowned the baby they are all fighting me and expect the whole family to be in court , unfortunatley i dont have any support through this as i am far away from family and feel i am fighting an army on my own, let me know how it goes for you in court i to am walking on new territory and dont know wht to expect in court i just hope i can hold it together and not get emotionall while am there as iv been strong for so long and its usually when i get prodded the tears flow , he would be soooo happy to see me like that have to stay strong :), good luck with the hearing , do you have good evidence agaisnt him , i have police records and hospital records from when i was pregnat but he dint get charged and apparently in family court they only take in to consideration what has been proved , he did get charged previous to my pregancy but that was a couple of yrs before
i have a few police records but he was never charged like yours. I dont think they can just ignore the things you have against him wether he was charged or not (hopefully), its hard to know what will happen. I will let you know how it goes x
hi thanks hopefully they wont ignore them but i think thats where the fact finding hearing an dthe cross examination comes in to it, he is also asking for pr grrr does your ex have pr ? x
pr?
parental responsibility , to be put on the birth certificate , sorry lol x
hi parenting specialists how can i find my old discussions i wanted to ask little anglel how she was gettin on to but cant find them thanks :)
he is on the birth certificate
ok i as just wondering as i thought they had automatic rights when they were on the crtificate i think he just wants to be on the certificate to make my life as difficult as possible and to try an still controll me but il fight that when it comes and state my reasons for not wanting him to have pr :)
it doesnt matter if they are on the cert or not. If you are not married, the father has no automatic rights unless he goes to court
thats in ireland anyway
Hello caza good to see you. You can't automatically find all your old threads but if you click here, you will see a thread you had and click here to see little angel's update,
no we wasnt married , wish i had studied law sometimes going through this , have a solicitors appt this week so will get the ball rolling back the other way hopefully , let me know how things go for you , and thanks :)
hi louise thanks for that:)
hi caza ive got court 21st nov, dont no wots gona appen, i av go seperate parents information meeting this friday, court order, av to go, but dont mind, ive done everythin court as asked me, so im ok, but stil gona dread court, cos i no il see ex, yeah even when we split up from these menthey stil harass us thru court and cause stress for us, not right is it, xx
hi darsen i also feel sick at thought of ex getting contact, ex as very long serious violent past so ni thye wont giv him un supervised acess, mean i got told my kids at risk if i av anythin to do with him again, so dont make sense if they giv him acess,wots appenin woth u thenx
Its tough isnt it, why cant they just get out of our lives. I was talking to a domestic violence service and they said most men dont want anything to do with their children they are only doing this to get back at us. which is so so true. When my ex had the chance (after chance after chance) to see his son he didnt take it, all he wants is a fight.
hi darsen well my ex ad new baby i new nothin bout and girlfriend, so he didnt bother bout our little girl when he ws lettin us down all tym and never cumin back, now i no why, and cos i avnt ad him bk he takin me court for acess, but if it wasnt for court wud i of ever found out bout his new baby and girlfriend, and his violent criminal past, he as long crim inal record and bin jail loads tyms i didtn no, clairs law sounds gud, but im not sure, xwhen are u due bk in courtx
hi i wud love my ex disapear but i doubt he will hes told me he wontx
Hi caza, I was just wondering if you have been in touch with a domestic violence agency? You could request that someone from there go along with you?
hi every one i went to see my solicitor today and they drafted a letter to his solicitor informing them i was opsing contact and the reasons being dv, the letter has also stated i wish him to attend anger mangmentt , parenting classes and adress his alchol issues , he,s gona be so mad when he see,s this letter and no doubt things will turn nasty , i was supposed to attend mediation also but solicitor advised not to bother as dv has made it unacceptable , solicitor told me not to worrry but cant help worrying about whats gona happen, i have been rferd to a dv agency but theve not been able to get in contact with me for some reason and havnt really tried much , my solicitor said it may probably go to a fact finding hearing and may even go to the crown court other than the family court because of the extent of situation , crown court will be even worse surely
hi caza, if it goes higher than district court i would say that will be in your favour as they will be very much pro childrens safety and rights. let us know how you get on with the letter x
thanks darsen i hope so , it just terrifies me really the thought of having to stand and give evidence and him trying to dirty my name , our relationship was a very rocky one and it probably wont look that good n me that i took him back so many times after dv ,(before baby) he,s very twisted and will make him self out to be the victim as he always did , mayby it will be better if it goes higher i just should of asked my solicitor why they think it might go higher cos am puzzleing over it a bit x
im in the same boat thinking the ex will charm everyone the way he always did and make me out to be an eejit but we have to be strong and just tell the truth in court. Hopefully the judges will have seen this stuff millions of times and will see through the ex's crap. Thats all thats keeping me together right now
hi uer ex sounds a nightmare, imavin trouble with my ex hes a violent thug, very long criminal record and hes takin me court ova acess to out litle girl, we av ad on and off relationship, he as seriously assaulted me, i dont want him to see my little girl i no how u feel, think u need to get a soliciter ,i av a gud one, u need advice asap,u donbt av to do wot he wants ithink court is the only way anyway, my ex isnt allowed no contct athe moment,plus found out he ad secret life i didnt no bout, god ur ex as drink problem, u say no way hes avin contact while hes agressive and sdrinkin, u dont want ur child round tht end of, my advice please go and see a gud soliciterx