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hello, i sold my house and put the entire price down as a deposit and my new partner got a mortgage for the same amount. We took out a declaration of trust expalining we are 50-50 in buying and its to be split that way, with him paying his mortgage from his 50% of final sale price. He has now decided we are over and moved out. Anyway he has had advice and been told he must pay the mortgage and I must pay the bills. I agree to pay all the bills as I have a child (not his) so we are the ones running the bills up. I am hoping to hear from benefits and have a job interview on friday.
My questions are -he has forbidden me from hanging pictures up-is this correct? also is he allowed to just enter the house when he wants?
Thanks for advice.
Hi Anna,
I have not even had the "its over" speech from him, he just lied and wouldnt own up then left during another furious row. I now know why he has never held down a relationship for more than 24months.
My son's dad (my ex hubby) and I have a good relationship and I would rather have that with the new ex but he seems unwilling to do this.
(is this too much info? sorry).
B
Hi Bella, it is always brilliant to read of single parents having good relationships with their ex's, so healthy for the children. But they are few and far between, I am sorry to hear that your current ex is not playing ball. But hey, you are better off out of it.
We are all ears (or eyes) at One Space, so no, there is never too much info for us! The only thing that we ask is that you don't identify yourself, your partner or your children. We want everything to stay anonymous.
Is your son ok about your boyfriend leaving? Does he miss him?
Hello Bella, yes you will get sympathetic ears and some great advice if you need it here.
Hi from me too Bella.
hello Bella
Hope you hear from the Housing Expert soon. In the meantime have a look around the site and join in the discsussions, you are very welcome 
Thanks to everyone on here.
I have heard from the housing expert and am now awaiting more advice. I know that I AM allowed to put mirrors and pictures up.
I cant force the sale but he wont write me a letter in order for the council to put me into a hostel then hopefully get a house. He claims Im stupid, bi-polar, tapped and should be used to hearing these things by now as "you've been told them all your life". He can enter the house whenever he wants just by texting me that he will be here in ten minutes. I cannot legally change the locks. He wont agree to sort out suitable times and days to get his stuff. The courts would not enforce a sale as he is willing to pay his mortgage payments and I must pay bills. Im stuck.
Sorry its our anniversary today too.
B
Hi Bella. Welcome along. Anniversary huh? That must be tough for you to deal with right now, but it'll soon be another day It's great that you've heard from the housing expert, and you're waiting on some more advice.
What are you up to today?
What a horrid situation to be in.
I would have been surprised had you not been able to put up mirrors etc.
Are you able to get personal things that you do not want him to be seeing or getting hold off out of the house to a safe place? My friend had a box for me in her filing cabinet.
That's a good idea, sparkling lime.
Bella you are bound to feel extra sad on your anniversary. Onwards and upwards, glad you are getting some advice
Hello,
Im so sorry for moaning. Yesterday was hard though.
He would not come to talk about how we move on as it was the anniversary and he said he felt too upset ...but Im not sure it was an excuse.
Anyway, I am trying to feel positive today. I have friends who say different things so I have to be careful which ones I speak with as to which opinion I want to hear! bless them, they do try.
Thanks for all the good thoughts you are sending.
Yes I am trying to get personal things out of house but I need transport to do this. I have copies with friends anyway so if originals go missing Im ok.
B
Ah yes, you do need to be very cautious as to who you listen to and trust. I reckon its confusing for them too, yet is can hurt.
...and perhaps not a good idea to canvas too many opinions, as it can get confusing!
Don't worry about having a moan, we are here to listen
Hi there,
Things not getting sorted. Ive had to borrow money in order to buy a car so I can take up a part time job I have found. He is now demanding any money he spent in last 4 months on the house, I am to refund! I, too, have spent money but we were a family, or so I thought. I would never ask for a refund!
Think it is solicitor time now.
It's taken the shine off getting my car tomorrow.
B
It does sound like you need to know where you stand now. I don't quite see how he can decide that after he advice to keep paying.
I hope the car collection goes well. I hope the new job does too.
Hello,
I got my car (its my first car as ive only had ones with hubby/partner previously) so Im very excited at the moment. Im not looking forward to when ex turns up "to sort belongings out"-he never actually removes anything!
I now need to find a handbook for the car (2003 Ka) as "she" never came with one.
Thanks to everyone on this site. You have kept me chipper when ive been a bit low. Let's hope things are on the up for all of us.
B
They're lovely cars.
Its surprising what information you can find on google... xx
Enjoy your very own car, Bella!
Thanks ..x.
i have seen a hayes manual on a site for £13 so i may treat myself. not sure if i will use it, but i really should learn about it to avoid unnecessary garage bills. i love seeing her parked outside.
x
Bella, it might be worth trying ebay (or any other good internet auction site 
). I got one for 99p for the Micra I've got for my older two...
Sparklinglime, thanks for the hint-I will look on auction sites.
Have decided to use the house alarm when I leave house, just in case the "mystery" person comes in again. I cant prove he came in but he left obvious signs to me. Anyway, lets hope he decides to talk nicely....
Hope everyone had a good weekend.
B
Hi Bella
Congrats on your new car, may you and she have many a happy time together!
I feel excited for you! Good luck with manual hunting
hi bella well done on getting the car and welcome to this site
hello to everyone,
Ive been very ill so unable to attempt to keep in touch,sorry.
Car is lovely. Still no manual and the prices of the haynes books are too high for me. Job should start soon but need to get well again. Got long way to go.
Personal/legal stuff still not getting sorted. I have got a bill from my solicitor. It will be paid when i sell house. He is about to come into a lot of money, ive found out. timing eh?! oh well.
Think I need a local support group but I dont think there are any here. At least I can pop onto this site so thats a life line. Many thanks for all the good vibes im being sent.
Bella.xx
Hi
Sorry if this sounds mercenary.
Did you have a clean break? If not you can still claim against his inheritance.
In the case of The Git, we didn't have a clean break, and when the time comes I will put a claim in - with my sister's help - but for the property to be split between him and the children. Just a thought...
I do hope you're feeling better, but do keep an eye out on all leading auction sites for the Haynes manual...
Hi Bella. Glad you're feeling better. Take a look here There might be a local group or something near you, or how about Netmums? Have you tried that?
Hi bella, you might also be interested in contacting our Local Services Expert! She can find out if there is anything going on in your area.
Hi Bella, hope you're feeling better, and enjoying your new car!
hi bella hope you feeling better
Good morning.
Thanks for the good wishes. LAst night was awful here. Child was unaware but during texts and calls the ex threatened to kill self then rang off abruptly. He rang me back after i text to say im calling police. He said i got what i wanted.
This morn he rang to say (shout rather) that i need to call off my solicitor.I said i had to get one after he wrote me rules over how i need to live within my home, and him refusing to sell.
I didnt want this. Why couldnt he own up and seek help for us when i asked?
(If I have put too much info in here then please remove this posting.I may have over stepped the mark, sorry).
B
Hi again,
sparkling lime-re the clean break-its not inheritence but many years of him paying many ppi's on many diferent bank accounts and he only told me this in calm moment as he planned to "help" me out later on....
Hazeleyes-net mums doesnt seem to be for me. it appears to be for young mums (im ancient!) and my children are adultsx2 and a high schooler.Thanks anyway.
Anna-local services experts- imnot sure i can actually meet up. I have backed out of contacting womens aid again and they were fab to me.
I guess i cant just walk away without making damn well sure this is dead and buried. im very weak and he knows i fall for a line everytime.
Well better get on, doctors again today.
B.x
Hello Bella
It sounds as if you are finding it difficult to move forward and considering going back to this relationship. Please read this information and tell me which of the descriptions is the accurate one (there may be more than one!)
Hello Louise,
Yes i am finding it hard. As he says, when we are good we are really good its just the arguments we keep having. He says we are both stubborn. Hesaid he cant afford to pay his mortgage on our home soon as he got lots to pay.(I understand he has to pay money to folks as he staying there. they both working so money not THAT tight!). It seems as though its all panick for him after seeing his solicitor yesterday.I think he was told get back in there whatever. He desperatly wants me to call off my sol.I would lose social money (tax credits when start job) if he moved in, even as lodger.
That info you suggested...jailer, liar and persuader.
Im weak without support and he ringing later "for chat". Althou I KNOW what I would tell a friend, I cant follow it myself.
B
hi bella it is hard inthe early days but do read the link that louise as put i did and even went and brought the book . after reading about 15 pages i had a cry as i saw my ex in there, and saw things in the book that i had not seen in our relationship . you need to think does he want you back or hi he trying to control you ?
yes at first it is hard but it will get better . i did think to myself for awhile that i would have mine back even knowing that he had hit me 3 x and i know he would have done it again but i knew him and he was like my comfort blanket but i wouldnt go there now you need time to think and listen to to your head and dont be pushed or told what to do by your ex . if he rings or texts dont reply to you have sorted yourself out and know what you want
Hi Bella
I know things are really hard for you right now. So...the jailer, the liar, the persuader...and you want to GO BACK to him? Partners should not be these things, they should value, respect and cherish us. The trouble is that our self esteem ends up so low from this bad treatment, and that is what they rely on, that we do not believe we deserve any better.
Decisions are always yours (and we will be here for you whatever) but if you go back, it will just be to repeat the pattern. It's so tempting to think "this time it will be different"...but it won't. If you find it hard to say no, just keep saying "it's too soon", to give you a bit of breathing space. It feels as if for him it is all tied up with the money question as well.
hello to everyone,
Ive had a restless night, shock, horror!! Ive text a mate what I want to happen-he wont move in, (we split) we sell, share costs etc and I buy own place with child.
(IF he wanted to see me (court me slowly) then I would consider it (at the moment) as I would have breathing space then I could return to my "safe zone" if it returned as bad as it got recently.Even writing this, I feel like a fool. He wont change and neither will I.
(I dont like the person I become in arguments. I am very slow to start fights but once he emotionally hurts me I BLOW and become nasty. Im too old to be behaving like a teenager in a strop).
Im really vulnerable as Im ill as well.
He due over soon so I will let you know how it went.
I do appreciate how suppotive you all are and I needed to hear Louise say those things about the behaviour he shows. It hit home.
B.x
Lots of hugs for you, Bella.
Look after yourself!
Hi Bella, hope you're ok. Don't rush into anything, don't agree to anything, just take things one day at a time. Definately don't back down even if he threatens to take his own life. That is his choice, and is blackmailing you. You're a strong person. Take care
Hi, as promised-an update.
We talked. I have said what i want. (We were able to chat openly).
I dont think its as awful as we tell everyone, BUT we DO hurt each other without thnking of repercussions, until its too late to turn back.
I wont back down on my needs. he has to get used to it.
It helps that I have support with you guys on this site.
I think I will have a better weekend this weekend.
Big hugs to all.
B.x
We are here for you
Hi,
well i have spent the weekend the same as the past umpteen ones- alone and lonely.
I have a few mates but they have families and i cant expect them to bother with me at weekends. My single women mates promise to call but dont. I need to make other friends! Easy to say but as i dont go out to pubs/clubs, how do i meet other people? im hoping the job im starting may introduce me to a potential social life. Im quiet and sometimes its my downfall. Thats why i was hoping for a local group of people in similar circumstances, to exist but i cant find one.
Hope you all had a better weekend. I have a weekend with child next week but he is also starting to spend weekends with family members as its too boring here!
Seeing specialist at the hospital soon so hopefully i will learn some good news in my recent illness. Plus got job to start-hopefully i will be in tiptop health.
B
Afternoon Bella, I know how you feel about weekends...they are very loney times, and I can understand that...also for me mornings are bad( I know for most people it's night times)...
Try joining Meetup.com...I have joined a group there and met a few lovely people, so you could go and have a look...I'm quiet too, and again know how you feel...but that was because for years my H was always the life and soul of the party...and it is difficult putting yourself out there and finding who you are again...at least if you teel people you are quiet or shy, they will understand you more...
It's good you have a job to start...that will help take your mind off things a bit too...
Hugs.
Hello Mich,
I have tried the site you said but theres nothing there for me in this area.(Im feeling like im in the sticks!). My ex seems to think its a matter of time till we get back tog but im stronger without him much to his distain! i need support and outside interests or else i feel i will wander back into the bad relationship. sounds weak but im very soft.
Oops getting close to moaning again, must stop self. im ok,ok,ok. ha i have to tell self off, im not crazy honest. ha.
B
Hi Bella, that is a shame about meetup, as I know Mich has been to a few things. have a look at this article, Making New Friends as it has lots of other ideas
Good luck at the hospital!
Hi Bella
You said that Womens Aid were a great help, please contact them again. At this point in your life you need to reach out to as many people as possible. Find your inner strength, I know you have it.
I know that you feel shy and weak at the mo, but that is normal and if you continue to stay this way, your ex will find a way to wheedle his way back into your life.
You know that you are stronger and happier without him, please keep striving for something more.
Its fine to moan on these boards, thats what we are here for, but you have to help yourself too. There has to be something local that you can go to, whether it is WI, yoga classes or reading club? Please have a look at your local council site and see what is going on. There are many women in your position, Womens Aid would be the best place to start as they will know what is going on in your area.
Hi Anna and everyone,
he came over -always gives a time he can stay till ie one hr- but as soon as he walked in we argued. admittedly i did wind it up but hoped we could have talked about him selling and or removing his stuff. he left n rang me in sorry state. i tried to talk to him about what he should have said to smooth things with me but he spoke and i ended up speaking over him. he thinks i have a problem-so i put the phone down-i am NOT being spoken to like that.
He text that he is here if i need help after hospital so i text just to say im ok. He intends to come to get some work stuff within the next few days. ive text that i have to be out on a certain day. i will put the alarm on and he doesnt know the code.
Im starting job mon-even though im not fully well. they think i will be fine. Im not telling him yet.
I darent get back in touch with WA. I cancelled son's councelling session with them as he said he would speak with family instead. My eldest said ive made it sound awful and WA are there for serious cases of D.A. and its not like that with us, just gets out of hand. I dont want to take time from women who really need them.
Im hoping job will fill my time. Let you know. Im looking forward ot it although i will then have legal costs to pay (at moment 2-3k) as cant get legal aid.
have cosy night in everyone, ttfn.
b
Hi Bella,
that's a shame about not having a meetup near you...you could maybe start a group yourself, if you ever feel up to it..
The new job will definitely help you...Let us know how it goes?
Hugs..
Bella, Women's Aid are not just there for women experiencing physical violence, they are there for women experiencing any sort of abuse...including emotional.....and if you find that hard to believe, then contact them and if they say it is not appropriate then you are no worse off are you, but I bet they CAN help you and then you will be better off!
Anna is right, itis important to seize some control and find a way for you to move forward without involving him.
Good morning,
Thanks for supportive words from you all.
Im not "brave" enough to start my own group, never will be. Im hoping the job keeps me busy as i will have to work (p/t) from early morns to ten at night, hours differing weekly. I will have a struggle finding where to send my child as home is in the sticks and I dont want him to be coming into empty house in the dark etc.
I dont want to get WA involved as they will support me and I feel I would end up hurting him-which sounds absolutley ludicrous after all the heartache he has put me through, but i dont hate him. I think im just an old fashioned woman who needs/wants the family around me-even with its faults. (im kicking myself as i write this as i know its wrong!).
Sorry to sound like such a wuss. i have my good days but today is not one of them.
I look forward to him coming so we can at least clear the air BUT we never do. grrrr. how long will it take till i learn to stop trying to help him express himself? he wont change. i need to tattoo this on my forehead! ha.
B
Well unfortunately Bella, we can't turn our feelings off like a tap..that's why most of us are here, to get that emotional support...it IS so hard..our heads might know the right thing, but our hearts spoil that for us..
It's all very well, for us and you to say he's no good for you...but it's not what your heart says maybe?
Hi Bella, I am unable to answer your questions, however may I suggest you copy your post and send it to our Housing Expert, who will be able to help you further.
How are you coping with splitting up? It sounds as though there is a bit of animosity?