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Evening everyone,
The job can start mon or next mon, up to me the boss said, as the wages have now gone through to head office. The next pay date is very end of december. Ive chosen to jump in at the deep deep end and start mon and will wait for 6wks to get pay. its too easy to delay, so child and i are watching what's in the cupboards! no eating when we are bored. We will manage.somehow. Havent told ex yet. he will possibly offer to babysit and buy food for us but ive got to say no.
Cant believe ive OFFERED to put self through this, no money and need to put petrol incar as job entails travelling miles daily.
Ive been up and down today. Down until boss rang back, then up once boss rang with plan. Also down thinking of xmas, alone. Still missing him. You are all right, im better off without him on so many levels but its the heart that keeps remembering the nice times-yes there were some!
Im getting there, slowly.
B
Wow, Bella, that feels like a really positive step, although scary. Wishing you lots of luck!!
good luck bella with the job you will get there , like louise sadi scary but positive step
Yes, good luck bella...
Many thanks for the good wishes for job on monday.xx
Bit scared but am jumping in both feet first. Think i need to.
Let you know how it goes...
Hi,
im not having very good day. not slept properly since thursday night and start work monday. Ex text then rang-im getting a reply to my solicitors letter. He wont tell me, i have to sit and wait.
He has reminded me that i have caused all this, caused us both to have great bill legal bills, there are many things but i darent say on this site. Why do i (sometimes) get upset when he rings? Why does he still hold this power over me? im so sorry to go on. you lot dont need to hear me bleating on.
If he really believes im SO bad that his life is at risk, why does he want to come back? im so much better off without him, i know this but why i keep going back to listening AND believing him or what? am i just weak?
I have to get my finances sorted so he cant keep saying that he would help me out and try to make me rely on him...i know i will manage, i dont need him. he is also moving away from the immediate area (for work) so things should be calmer. However his belongings are still here in various rooms-preventing me from accessing the rooms.
Sorry again. Ive got a busy stressful week ahead and can do without this hassle. he seems to be flying through this without any stress at all. (he threatened self harm but we know he was crying wolf).
Hopefully work will take my mind off this for a while. I just wont be able to come home and talk to him about it.
I promise i will be feeling better soon.x
Good luck for today, Bella, and come and tell us on the boards how you have got on!
AS for all his possessions, some other members have been facing this lately and I know how hard it is but really it would be good if you could bag them up or at least place them all in one space and shut the door on them and get on with things in the rest of the house
Take care
First day done. Started early by half hour as was keen to get there. Was thinking of how hazeleyes was doing whilst i was also working!
We went through some paperwork and i had to drive to various places for formalities which hadnt been sorted(30 miles in total) and was told to go home after and i will have to owe the minutes.(they DO count minutes-it goes into a time owing book and its checked but no mention of the early start !).
Anyway it seems I may have problems over finding childcare. Ive already got the next few days hours-working till around ten pm. ive managed to get him babysat elsewhere this week but he has a party too. He may have to miss it. They want me to work weekends and im ok for fridays but its saturdays-as long as its when he goes to his dads, every fortnight then its fine. Im waiting to hear that im doing xmas eve/day next!! hope not. dont mind doing eve as child away but not on THE day. Lets wait and see.
Ex text yesterday that he had rang to say good luck. OK.
Hazeleyes did you have a good day too? hope so. Did you get money sorted? im not being paid until end of dec. still got to buy petrol to do job! put £30 in today as used a lot.
Better go iron my ONE dress. think its been starched, its so stiff! its an A line too-hmmm, very unflattering haha. im wider than the corridors!
B
Oh Bella, you did so well, it all sounds stressful. especailly the working hours....but don't worry too much about Christmas Day as they won't be working then.
Hope today is a bit more straightforward!
bella, you have been in an abusive relationship, your ex is abusive, he has called you names, said you are bi polar, stupid and he has threatened suicide. He is a controller and part of his way is to ensure that he keeps you doing and believing everything he says.
You are not recognising it as he has done a good job on you. He knows what to threaten and how long to leave it before changing his tune and reeling you back in again.
WA won't hold it against you for cancelling the appointment, they are used to women in similar positions, whose heads are all over the place. You know in your heart things aren't right, however his voice is louder in your head.
You want to be seen as fair and in control of your life. He can use this to manipulate you, please contact them just for a chat.
I understand you saying that if you contact WA then you will end up hurting him. You don't want to hurt him because you don't want the blame and you are a good person. But who is more important here? Him or You??
Hi,
Louise- we work early through to 930pm (although we may not actually leave at 930, could be later..) so we are on 365 days a year. They are making me do next saturday night and sunday morning. Child is on access visit so thats okay. This time...
Anna- he text and rang today. called me a bi**h during the call, said he loves me, why didnt i contact him more (inthe early days), he can give dates and times when he has rang me and when ive said anything bad! either my memory doesnt work like this or it doesnt care that much to remember. He says im preventing him from getting his things. (he only wants to get some uniform and intends to leave all of his other stuff here-three rooms full). I have never never never prevented him from doing so-in fact thats all i have asked for! He said hes bringing the police when he comes. ive taken his mail in and his parcels-which he has thanked me for. I have given him my work hours and he scoffed and said hes been working for 20plus years, ive only done one day! this upset me. I cant refuse to work when im told to just because he MAY come to get his stuff-he has cancelled last min before. I dont want him in the house alone. He said, legally,he could move back in as he has the right. he isnt though as he is being moved through work commitiments.
Im having to say good bye to this site a bit ahead of time. He is cancelling the phone and internet conection, unless i want to take over the payments. I cant afford to. i wont get paid till end of dec, i will have two months of not paying/saving for bills. anyway, i wont be able to ring anyone-not even WA which i really need to chat with. Good job i dont have a child who may need medical attention. if i cant afford to keep the mobile running then im stuck.
I will write on here until connection is cut off. Then it will be through a public library connection.
A big big thank you to everyone. im still here for now..
Bella.xxx
Bella, contact WA now, whilst you have the connection, please read this then go and phone, it is a 24 hour FREE helpline 0808 2000 247.
He is playing games with you and head working you. His tactics are very similar to other abusive men, however when we are in love with one, we don't see it. We try to listen to what they say, we try to please or appease, we don't want to be seen as the bad guy, but trust me, whatever you do, it won't be right.
He is messing with you and its not fair, because it is confusing you and making you question yourself and probably your sanity. He is making you feel worthless and then trying to make out it is all you and nothing to do with him.
Please don't let it continue any longer.
Right, now go and call them 
I echo that. CALL THEM, what he is doing is not fair, and is an attempt to dent your confidence so that it is hard to move forward with your life. How dare he insinuate that he needs the police with him to collect his stuff? You are fab, you have been a good mum and going out to work as well!!!
Please make the call.
Hello Anna and Louise,
Yesterday he came over as i said i would be in and he could come get some stuff he really needed.It was the calmest we have been since we split-apart from when i was ill and he looked after me for the afternoon. We could talk over things which had been painful before.We hugged and it was nice. We both realised we should have talked over a LOT before time passed. We both admitted to doing/saying awful things.Anyway, neither of us wanted to go to work but had to otherwise we could have talked all night.He still says he loves me and cares. He doesnt want me to be alone at xmas. He is leaving the immediate area and this morning i got the "change of address" letter which hurt as he didnt warn me it was coming.
The phone- basically he must pay hundreds in costs for cancelling or change to a cheap package to keep it on. I cant afford it but he can. Its up to him.
Im getting confused about how i feel. I went to work yesterday feeling calm and good. I therefore had a better shift than before.(i know its early into the job anyway).
Im waiting for my solicitor to contact me with what ex's solicitor has said re selling. Ex wont tell me. Im hoping to stop my solicitor as now im working i wont be entitled to legal aid, solicitor said. The bill is astronomical up to now and he has only written one letter, which i could have done.
Im going to think about WA, i promise. I dont know why im dawdling..
Yes i do! I think its because he is ok with me and i love the idea of "being in love" and hate failing at relationships. Then he/we argue again. Im dragging this out, arent i? i need to tell him to stop saying nice things and just get on with leaving me, let us sell and go separate ways. But i still care. oh im SO angry with myself.
Sorry for long moan.
You haven't failed, but I understand it is hard to accept that it is "over". Just stop discussing things with him and make the call. I know that you can hang on to shreds of hope that he will change and things will be better (I have been in that situation myself) but they won't.
Glad your work shift was better 
Had a good shift again last night. (im ignoring any hiccups as all jobs have them). Not working till mon now. Hey, full weekend to myself-although im missing child so very much.
No news on phone connection-i need him to realise its cheaper for him to pay lowest deal. Either way he pays out.
I think things will change when solicitors start speeding up. Im desperate to see if i can take on this mortgage alone. if i rented elsewhre it would cost the same or even more! if he is going away to work then i will have breathing room.
Yes, it is hard to know what is going to happen until money is sorted out.
Hope you enjoy your weekend off....what are yoiur plans?
Morning to everyone,
Well I went out last night. I dont drink much at all although it costs the same to buy lemonade as it does beer!
No set plans for the weekend. just ironing, washing, all the household jobs which need doing and never abait. im going to make a spag bol for sunday when son returns.
Its chilly outside so i will be staying indoors. Its surprising how tired i feel and im only working part time. dont know how id manage if i did full time. My hat goes off to the parents who do full time.
Keep warm.
Glad you had a decent night out, don't overdo it on the jobs though while you are at home
Hello Bella,
have you made the phone call yet? I think it's very good advice that Anna and Louise have given you...Glad the job is going ok...but please make the most of your days off...
Phew, busy or what!
if its not delivery men, its workmen, then its me in the garden then im working and getting childcare sorted.
Getting estate agents quotes so can sell. I also wont sell at a loss. i would rather stay put till it improves in price.
We have been getting on ok, talking face to face for hours. then he brings up selfish topics. then we either argue or say lets call it a day at that point. Anyway, he wants us to sort out without solicitor as i did, however i was so concerned that i rang my solicitor up. he said it will cost him a lot and he is trying to scare you. Apparently i SHOULD come away with SOME of my money. I am not to talk about the house to him and to leave it up to our solicitors. It will cost us up to ten thousand each. How can i say i wont talk to him as he will know ive been advised. i have always said truthfully that i havent spoken legally-apart from the once which he instigated. I cannot lie. Im so soft and he knows it. It will turn nasty as i feel im the one who has suddenly changed my agreement with him.
My life seems to go ok for a few days then just as im feeling settled the ground is taken from beneath me. Ive taken too much of your time up sorry for going on yet again.
b
Dear Bella, we have all the time in the world, you can go on to us as long as you like!
What a rollercoaster of a week. It was last Tuesday that he rang and called you a b****, now it sounds as though he is playing his cool card. He is trying to get info out of you and make you play his game.
You are also aware that if you change any agreement things will turn nasty. Bella that is the plan. He needs to keep you doing everything that he wants or is happy with.
I also want to say, please be careful with those friendly chats. The last one I had with my ex went so well, we had been split for 2 years but still constantly rowing. At the end of the chat I asked him for a hug. I felt great, I thought that finally we were onto a home run, we had sorted out contact, our issues, money etc and wanted a hug to seal the deal.
We ended up chatting for hours after and then asked if he could stay and see our daughter in the morning, I said of course and gave him a duvet and expected him to stay on the sofa - how naive was I? In the middle of the night he came into my room and etc etc etc, 2 weeks later he still hadn't left. Then everything kicked off once again because of something stupid and I finally realised that the end had definately come.
We all have to come to our own conclusions in our own time and trust me Bella your time will come, but I still believe you need the support, it is not an easy thing to do and you are scared. Not only of his reaction, but also your realisation of what you have let happen.
He is constantly testing you and gauging your reaction. I think try and have some time without him, no phone calls, texts, emails etc, you are entirely within your rights to have some breathing space. This will give you some time to think about what YOU want, not what he wants you to do.
Thanks Anna,
we are agreeing to talk next week. (ive just had private advise that it will cost me too much and im trying to save money to buy own place).He doesnt know what i want-I think he wants back in but im okay with me and child. I know it would be ok for a few weeks and then real life happens so we would be arguing again. He cant see this and wants to think we can overcome all the bitterness. I cannot be two faced and get together with our families, they ALL know.
I hope it will be smooth. (oh the b***h remark was him saying that im sounding like a b***h but it still upset me). Anyway the house valuation was very good. If we sell soon then he can pay his debt off and i can buy elsewhere.
Let you know how it goes and thanks again it means a lot.
Stay strong Bella.
Be careful with the money you get from the sale of the house too...
I echo everything Anna has said, Bella, this man knows how to play you. be careful, you have yourself and your child to think of.
Hello,
Am feeling very confident today-maybe its the st.johns wort? maybe im becoming accustomed to being a single parent again.Doesn't matter. im alone again this weekend as kids staying together and, hey, im ok. got lots to do inthe house, not that it will get done. I think maybe im feeling good as im working and paying for self and son. Thinking of cancelling solicitor-had lots of people saying that it will cost far too many thousands just to get him to agree to sell. he agrees to sell and cant stop me anyway! i know this for sure. we can save money as neither can afford to pay for stupid letters. at the moment i could conquer the world. Im liking my job and am really really coping without a man in my life- apart from my baby, of course. Im suprised that ive lasted this long and not given in to him. he has been gone too long and im now too strong to bend now. girl power! haha.
Glad you're feeling strong.
Well done, Bella and stay focused, I am very proud of the way you have been these past few weeks
You need to be cautious though, and not let him lull you into a sense of security
hi bella hope you are ok glad you are feeling strong but please i would make that call to WA. my ex as hit me and i did make that call to the police and to WA who have been fab . till mine was arrested for hitting me i never called anyone or spoke when there were times when he come and call me some really horrible names but the police said that then i should have called the police but i didnt think that was enough to call them but how wrong i was .
when he was coming to us mine would be mister nice guy one min and then mr nasty . now i know its their way af pushing the blame for what they have done onto you . they go into denial and then they believe that they should blame it all on to you and then they dont feel bad . just becareful of his mind games as they can be horrible and bring you down . now that i have not seen my ex for awhile due to bail i can see that he was being mr nice and then mr nasty and even today i cant believe taht this is the same gut i fell in love with 19yrs ago
mine called me thick stupid prat etc and swear at my face and that is horrible as these are worse to get over than bruises so please make the call and just chat they are good to listen and to let off how you are feeling
Thanks sparklinglime and louise,
I DO feel better. its as if ive come through a patch of fog.i dont expect it to be wonderful from now, everyone has down days but i will try to hold onto the feelings im having now.
Ive done a little housework. it was helped by playing xmas songs! yes i know its early but it centres my mind- if i get things done now then if im working xmas day etc there will be less to worry about. Still waiting to hear about the shift pattern. Im not going to the works party so i can work lates on the day. (no one asked me to go but its ok, im new).Fingers crossed im not working THE day i cant suddenly dump child on family-they all have their own plans. see what happens.
Ive been wearing my hat and scarf indoors (as was suggested) and its amazing how hot you get, especially when doing the vaccing and stripping beds! have put heating on low as child back today.
B
Wow Bella you are doing great i wish i had some of that get up and go you have right now. Do take care and remember what Anna and Louise have been saying about your ex.
Hello,
Sally W, thanks for kind words. Im trying to manage a house with too many rooms and far too much junk so if i dont keep on top of it then it shows and gets me fed up to know it needs doing.
I have taken steps re ex and saving money and selling. Taking control of my situation. am trying to get a third confirmation on the high council tax im due to pay from two weeks ago until end of tax year. The dept are to write to me as tehy should have got my letter weeks ago and acted on it. i may get a large bill! gulp. Once i know all the incomings and outgoings then i will be in a better situation to plan ahead. i cant wait.
work will be getting harder, ive been warned. im sure i will be experiencing good and bad days. its normal.
Hazel eyes i hope your job is going well.
Hi Bella, great to read that you feel that you have turned a corner.
Just to keep us happy though, if anything goes badly with your ex, let us know and let us support you. Also keep your bullet proof vest on. If your ex tries to sweet talk you, make promises or makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway, put the brakes on and decide to continue the conversation another day.
Your weekend sounded great, a child free weekend - wonderful!! Good luck with the council tax, fingers crossed that it is their mistake.
Hi Anna,
Thanks and i wont be pushed over.
Child not helping situation as he suddenly asked if ex was coming back? I kind of said that we needed to have adult talks first. Then yesterday he asked again. I asked what he would like. Not a good idea as child said he wants him back so we can all stay as a family!!!!Child cant talk to natural father, he's too tied up with gf.
im afraid that i will not be getting a pressie from Santa this year for letting child down. I said we are okay with each other, managing with money, arent we? etc. Anyhoo, talks going ahead soon with x and me. If i need support i will be asking on here for the shoulder again.
B
Yes, we are here for you.
Almost all children want their parents to get back together again. You will just have to explain that his dad loves him but that mum and dad don't love each other any more. Be calm and firm so that he does not think there is a way back
Hi Bella. Catching up with some posts today. Hope you're okay. You seem to be staying extremely strong, good for you. It must be hard for you, juggling work, the house, and the ex, but you're doing so well. I'm sure Santa will visit you, via your son. He loves you, and as long as you're happy, then he will be also. I really hope you don't have to work on Christmas Day. Keeping fingers crossed for you.
My job is going okay thankyou. Good and bad days like you I guess. Are you working this weekend? Take care, and take it easy.
Hazeleyes, working the weekend, yes, and next too. (ive put this into other post for you also). Im working lots of nights up to end of yr. child will be wondering who i am soon! he only spent two nights at home last week!
Louise, my x is not childs dad. he sees own dad but he is preparing for thai bride to move in any day now.( thats why he has spent last few weekends with child).
Have spoken with ex. he defo wants back in. if we sell he wants complete closure, never to see me again. he cant cope with seeing me.
he has given me terms of what he wants. oddly enough i come off worse! its funny really. to see a persons true colours. sad, very sad. not me though, im okay. even better when get own place.
Hi Bella. You're right I think, once you get your own place, you'll feel much better in yourself. It'll be your own home, not his, just yours and your sons. Then you can really put the past behind you, and start afresh.
Hello, Ive had such an awful night's sleep. dreaming of my situation re not moving on as fast as need. he wants split to favour him or to come back. ooh er...what a choice i have! ha.
Ive applied for council housing in hope i can move out of here and sell asap. empty house may sell quicker? The council areas are "pants" as child says. im hoping to buy a small one in the end though in nice area. it will work out in the end.
Working weekend. child left here at 7, i will see him on sun pm!
No chance of getting xmas trees out of garage without 8foot helper who can also lean over large items! ha.
Oh sorry you had a rubbish night, it is awful when things go round and round in your head isn't it? Working weekend to get through but I was glad to read that you have Christmas off (and next year can take care of itself 
)
Hello, Louise-yes next year is next year. job may have ended by then (im on probation for 6 months), son may live with his dad and step mum. who knows?
Got bad news re bills and staying here. i cant afford to stay. not told child yet. will trry to hold back that lovely news till after xmas then at least he thinks he has a future here instead of in a poxy flat.
i had a really bad,sad night. not been that upset for months. made sure child was asleep before let self find relief by shedding tears for a bit. i felt a bit better after. im tired too so that wont help. working daily til sun. its only few hrs day but you cant really get involved in cleaning house, garage, sorting life out when work is but a few hours away and you need to sort out uniform, car, paperwork etc.
Well better go as got appointments soon then back to house and get ready for work then home to bed n it starts again tom.
Hi Bella
Is that something that is on the cards? Your son moving in with his dad and step mum?
You are right, you don't need to tell your son that you can't afford to stay where you are, he is too young and doesn't need the burden. That is adult stuff. He should have the chance to enjoy Christmas looming and being a kid.
It is completely normal to be shedding tears at the moment, you are going through a major upheaval and uncertainity about the future.
Have you received any counselling? Would you consider calling Womens Aid again?
Hi, just got back from appointment and had to wash car as motorway was filthy hence my little car ended up looking like a little smudge! Just having lunch and email catch up- multi tasking.
WA- im hoping i get my strength back again. its just that im tired and trying to calmly finalise things with ex who wants back in our lives. (he has said that if we split and sell, he never wants to see me as he cant bear the pain, butim of the same opinion. i look forward to seeing him,its nice, its easier now we arent under each others feet). its hard when he comes over once every sheffield flood and we get on really well, then have little arguemnts. he just cant sort anything fairly. i think that he has a tendency to delay settling subjects as it keeps us talking! thankfully child only been here once and ex was very nice. child had asked me things that he wanted to ask ex, (boy stuff!). i told ex so he had quick word with him. they had a nice mo and then ex left. chld got watery eyes and said again can he come back mum?
So to answer the question-there are people who really do need councelling and i feel strtongly that id be taking their slot/time from them. im not being phtsically hurt, i have a roof over my head (for now).
Im looking forward to getting house done (tidied) for xmas. i have noticed that when you work silly hours, you cant plan to do house work, it just happens spontaneously. As for sleeping- im still hopinh to go beyond 6ish on day off but no luck. Im sure i WILL be fine in the end.
You will be...
It is hard to see at times though.
xx
Im not finding it easy knowing that im better off claiming benefits.
The job gives me self worth though, my kids see me working and i feel part of human kind (dont laugh) but like giving somethnig back. it would be great to work for a decent amount and have a job i enjoy wiht a lifestyle thats just comfortable enough. I DO enjoy the job so thats part of my wish list ticked off.
if anyone has any oomph, will they loan me some please? mine has gone awol and i need to work today, wash uniform, vac entire house, pots need washing, and then its ten pm and bedtime till work in the morning!! i have got TWO days off in a row at end of month though so shouldnt complain.
Hope everyone else is getting ready for xmas easier than me.
keep warm and dry. at least we dont have the ice..yet.
Hi Bella, I am still trying to track down the oomph fairy and maybe if we find him/her we can get them to sprinke a little magic dust on us all
Some of your financial pressure comes from living in your big house, more bills in terms of council tax and heating, so maybe that will ease if/when you decide to move.
You have done well with the Xmas food, so it is just the prezzies to think about now, what are you getting your son?
Hi, son has asked for a football pump and a watch. he knows we are still trying to get used to waiting for the little wage to come through. he knows ive lost the school lunches, uniforms, job seekers and council benefit. I have managed to get a car game for less than internet prices plus a sporty item. (he has just got into a team at school and i want to encourage him., he will be blown over by it, i hope.)
Ex has openly said that he treid to come back-news to me.
He claims that he tried but i am too hard, again thats a lie.
He has offered to babysit when im working as he has left work already and doesnt return until mid january!!!(civil servant type work). I wont be asking him. ive told him this. im angry, sorry. im hoping the house sells asap OR he buys me out then im free to buy elsewhere. o i really hope he would do this but then if he know i need that, then he wont oblige.
anyway, im trying to forget this subject tonight.
Time for tea and shower, hair needs sorting whilst i have the chance.AND the little bit of oomph i have left.
Well done, Bella, the oomph fairy may be elusive but has clearly left a bit of magic dust at your house!
The Git told his Dad and step-Mum that he's babysit at anytime. I tested him once Of course, he refused...
In their heads they're perfect, sadly, Bella.
I've been open about finances with this lot here too. They're more or less able to understand.
You're not a "wuss", you are feeling very vulnerable right now. But avoiding Women's Aid "because it might hurt him" is perpetuating the pattern that has hurt you for long, protecting him at your own expense. I can't "make" you do anything, but I beg you to think of yourself and your children, rather than him