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Hi SamW, the thing that frustrates me is that he TOLD you he was having them, rather than him discussing/requesting it.
xmas just gone you stayed at his g'mothers house xmas eve, how did that go? If it went well, could that not be repeated?
You do not have to 'give in' to him, you might have to compromise, or he may have to take you to court for the access, either way, please do not see yourself as 'giving in' as it makes you feel worse and you don't have to.
I think one of the most important things we can do as a single parent is learn to enjoy parenting alone. If we don't then we are always looking for someone else to provide fun, entertainment, loving and support. It is essential that we can do this on our own, then anyone else that comes along, adds to our life rather than becomes it. It also means that we make wise choices when it comes to new partners as we don't need them. We also have to learn to trust and heal after a failed relationship. We need to do this on our own, not whilst in another relationship otherwise that is doomed.
It is always lovely to have someone come and take us out, treat us etc and I think we should date, it boosts our confidence and gets us out of the house!! But it sounds as though your recent boyfriend took more than added, so although you might be missing him, it may well just be the company that you miss not the dent in your bank balance and all the driving!
Someone posted on here a saying that I love:
"Being single doesn't mean you're weak. It means your're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve!"
And I get a feeling that you know you deserve more than your recent boyfriend??
Hi Sam.W
What contact arrangements do you have in place? is your ex is being difficult with contact the rest of the time?
It is also annoying when well intentioned others want to tell you what you should and should not do, this can often add to our stress and as you have already said you are the one who has to deal with him.
As for finding a new relationship, you will know when the time is right and when the right one comes along, in the mean time be good to yourself and enjoy. Do you have friends that you can get together with?
Hi folks,
Thanks for all your comments out there. It is encouraging for me to read them and see that it is possible to carry on inspite of being on your own and being under all that strain.
I'm finding it really hard as I have no family at all in this country and am just getting by on the kindness of friends I have come to know since having children. It's scary to think how strong I need to be when family support isn't available...
Anyone with any survival tips for a weakling..?
hi thephoenix welcome to this site here you will get loads of support and help. i would have to say when my ex left me i was like how on earth am i going to carry on but you do and how i dont know but some how you do and you find that inner strength and you do get through things. for me i went to over drive and thought how was i going to cope with things like sons schooling seniors etc i was looking to far into the furture so i was given the advice of taking each day as it comes dont think of tomorrow only of today . do tiny steps , allow yourself time to grieve and to cry and allow yourseof time to be you again . is there friends that you could go and have a coffee with or even go for a drink out on the night with ? give yourseof a treat if you can as well even if it is a bar of chocolate or a nice bubble bath .
see if there is any support groups near you that you can join . at first i didnt have my mom around or sister but i had friends and here that i cried out for help too . i never blieved that i would be saying when it happened to me that i would see the light at teh end of the tunnel but you do and im just getting there and i have become stronger and wiser into knowing what i would like in my furture so stay here and the support will get you through . hugs sending to you
Thank you Shaz. Good to know there are others who have been throught the same...
Here's my thoughts - don't you folks find it so much easier to be on your own and unattached; to be without all the hassle of the previous relationship? Aren't you worried that it would happen all over again?
I'm intrigued...I'm too scared to even contemplate starting over with anyone. Maybe because I've been told that I am the cause of His drinking and His getting us into astronomical amount of debts..and the cause of his depression....I am petrified that I would drive another person to such dpeths of despair again.
Hi The Phoenix
Well I would not recommend anyone rushing into a new relationship too soon. But people do eventually move on and find happiness, Ok it does not always work out but it CAN do. It is important that as individuals we reflect honestly on what happened in the failed relationship and what part we played so that we can do things better next time. However, from what you say, it sounds as if your former partner has heaped unfair blame on you.Did you force the alcohol down his throat? Did you force him to spend money left, right and centre? I am guessing the answer is NO...and that in this case it is him not taking responsibilithy for his own actions.
Have a look at our Freedom Programme online and see if any of it rings a bell 
Hi Louise,
Thank you for your thoughts. Had a quick look at the Freedom Programme but will need to get back to it when I have a bit more time. Things are full-on at the mo. I'm juggling the children, housework,college and fending off the in-laws and Him. I would love to be left alone by them so I can get on with my life. It takes up precious time having to keep him at a distance. I don't mind being in touch to sort out the practical issues but he texts and mails me with a lot of "...you kicked me out, I'm not an alcoholic...just depressed and you didn't care..."
How does one cope without going insane? I have tried anti-deps but they only make me sleepy and I have to keep up with college work as well as looking after the children; so I stopped taking them. What do you all do when it all gets overwhelming? You can only rely on friends that much. Friends have their own lives too. Weekends are the worst; when everyone else are doing the family thing. I try to concentrate on the children but my head often feels like it will explode with so many questions re: why He ruined it all.
Help. Sorry for sounding so negative. Have no family here - I'm still a foreigner after 25 years.
Hello The Phoenix
The first thing to say is that this intensity will not last. The practical things will be sorted, you will start to heal emotionally, you will learn to cope with the stuff he is doing and saying (and he won't still be harping on quite so much) You will look back on this time and think "HOW did I ever cope?" but you can and will cope 
There is no obligation to reply to texts or emails and you could even send a message saying "I am only prepared to respond to messages about practical things that need to be sorted. If you want to talk about your feelings please go and see a counsellor" There is no obligation to answer the phone either and if he or his family get difficult, get a new SIM card and unplug the landline,. It's all about taking control.
You have enough on your plate with the children and housework and college. Do the children ask a lot of questions? How old are they?
Keep posting and we can support you through
Hi The Phoenix - I coped by phoning Breathing Space everyday - I am lucky that I have a sister, although not close by, that I also talked to on the phone, but I was conscious that I needed to give her a break and sometimes I just wanted to say the same things over and over again
I would agree with Louise regarding the phone and just ignore - I would also ask the inlaws to give you a bit of time and space if you feel you can - if not just get used to saying I am just on my way out when they phone or don't answer the phone!
I was offered help by my friends but didn't take it up but how about saying to your friends the weekends are the toughest - would you mind if I rang you for a quick chat at some point - I am sure they won't mind - we always think our friends are leading happy family lives but they may be able to help so don't discount them
Sending you a hug and keep posting we are here to support each other
Thank you Louise and Littleredhen,
Your posts mean so much to me. I have extremely kind friends who have been so supportive but I am trying not to burden them any further. I know if I ask for help they will be there; weekends or not..but your posts make me feel there are people who understand totally where I am at. I don't think most folks know how it feels to be in a place where your main responsibility is to look after your kids when your ex-partner has lost his senses (seemingly). When you want peace and calm for your kids but their father is screaming for his access rights even though he wasn't too bothered when he was still at home.
Louise, my children are 11 and 7; both bright and sensitive souls. They are fantastic but they unfortunately have seen how weepy and often times, monstrous I have become...yet my 7 year old said to me the other day, "...I just want you to know I am here for you..." My 11 year old doesn't want to meet up with Him. I want to protect them and yet do the best by them. Some folks have been "...but you have to be firm and tell them they must go and see their dad..., you are the boss..." These folks haven't seen how badly affected the kids were affected when we were still together. Things are so much better for the kids now. They are in a more peaceful and definitely calmer environment. They are in good routine during term time and they get more of my time which funnily, they didn't when He was still at home. That is not to say that they aren't feeling deeply hurt and sad....but I am dealing with that...
Thank you for the hugs and encouragements...you are a lifeline I am relying on at this really tough time. I hope you don't mind the ramblings ...
Hi Phoenix
You are welcome here anytime, and you're not rambling!
As for the children, it's a hard job to balance out being in touch with your emotions and them taking care of you. I don't know how you responded when your little one said that but it feels like it would be a good idea to say something like "Thanks my darling but don't worry, I will take care of you" if it is said again.
I have to say that I have seen the situation you describe quite often.....a parent who is not involved much with children but when they think they are being deprived of something, oh-oh, all of a sudden there is a lot of demanding "rights" (a bit like someone who occasionally eats chocolate and then goes on a diet and wants chocolate overwhelmingly, every day) Of course, not all parents realise that the "rights" are the child's....ie the child has a right to a relationship with both parents provided it is safe and approrpriate for them to do so. Now it may well be that there will eventually be a legal ruling about parenting time for the children's dad and yes, you do have to abide by that. However, before anything like that, you and the children would be able to give your views, and one of the things you could highlight is the drinking so try not to worry.
You're right, it is hard for people to appreciate what this situation feels like unless you have been there yourself!
Hi Louise,
Thank you for taking the time to respond...and on a Sunday morning!!!! Thank you thank you thank you...! It's good to know you are there; God bless you all
It is good to "ramble" though (I frequently write essays on here...). It helps to get it out of your system and to have input from other on this site. Every one has been through different things, but sometimes has an experience that can help simply becuase its shared...
I hope you're having a peaceful Sunday.
Hi Pheonix. Just wanted to welcome you along. Hope you're okay, and enjoying the sunshine, (if you have it). Take care.
Hello again Phoenix, there is someone on here EVERY day so always someone to talk to
You guys are amazing. Thank you sparklinglime, hazeleyes and Louise ! I might get addicted to this site ! It has been a peaceful Sunday apart from the brief moment when he appeared at my doorstep to get some stuff from our home office...It freaks me out when he does that. I feel an immediate impact on my blood pressure and pulse rate...and I don't mean in a nice way..ha ha. It was lovely here and I am glad I took the children out for a quick chips and drinks at the pub and a run in the park..Funny how when the sun shines, things don't seem so bleak.
I hope you guys had a good day too.
Yes, sharing my thoughts with you who have been through similar experiences seem to have made me feel less lonely. Not having anyone to talk to is the hardest....Knowing there are others who understand...my friends, kind though they have been, all have the perfect partners and families...But maybe it's just an illusion.
Trouble is, no one wants or dare to talk about the troubles they are going through...then when things crack, it's at crisis point...I am trying to teach my kids to be open and honest with themselves and sort problems out rather than keep it all inside. Think I'm on the right path ??
Hi Louise,
Jus going back on your previous posts re: children's right to be heard whether they want to see dad or not. Not many people recognise that the child should be our most important priorty and generally folks tend to have this thing that both partners should have 'equal rights'...So thanks for remembering that and for empathising the little ones...
I try to be as accomodating as possible with Him and I try very hard to keep my feelings about Him separate from what the children need. I don't get any thanks for it though...never mind. So long as I know I am doing the right thing by the kids, and very often by Him too.
....sleep tight
Hi Pheonix. I don't think anyone's life is perfect, so you're right, it's an illusion hehe. I have a friend that occassionally rants about her partner. He is a control freak, and she sits here sometimes in tears, only staying with him until her son is older. The next time she's here, apparantely her life is all roses. Utter tosh, but it's her life I guess. I for one am glad I'm on my own, have been since I was pregnant with my son, and I don't actually miss male company whatsoever.
What are you up to today? Hope He doesn't show up for any more stuff!! Did he tell you beforehand that he would be coming round? If not, perhaps you could ask for notice the next time.
Hello Hazeleyes,
Yes, I am enjoying my own company very much. Not having to worry how much money is being wasted without my knowing and not having to keep him on the right track.. It is hard not being able to converse with another adult about the issues that are a worry now but I quite like the solitude too..I hope it lasts..
He said he would let me know before he comes round but on the occasions he came round I didn't get his calls. He should have waited until he got through to me...but I guess he is exercising his 'rights' by using his house keys as the divorce papers are still in progress...It isn't too bad whene the children are not here but yesterday was a Sunday and the kids were at home...I guess the sooner I give him everything he wants, the sooner he will have less reasons to be in contact with me. I'm working on it ..albeit slowly..things takes time.
I do feel great when I manage to cut the ties. Taking over the uitilities accounts for instance; scary because of the financial implications but once I did them, I felt stronger in a way as I know I am in charge now.
He is furious when I don't answer his calls ...it puzzles me sometimes that he seems oblivious to the fact that he was ringing when I would be cooking/feeding or settling my younger one...eventhough I reminded him of the kids' schedule which hasn't changed...
Today we are going to our friend's to decorate some Easter eggs...and the sun is out again..wish it was warm too..but then it's never warm enough for a tropical flower like me
Take care Hazeleyes. Have a good day what ever you are up to. Come back and tell us ..
Hi ThePhoenix, welcome from me :) Its great to 'meet' you!
It sounds as though you are in really early stages of your breakup, but things are not going too badly other than the constant questioning of how you ended up right here right now.
As your ex still has the keys to the house, one thing that you could do, is put your key in the lock on the inside, then your ex can't use his, without you removing it.
You mention that it is hard not having someone to share the adult stuff with. In time, you do get used to this and you will also find that you meet new people and create a support network around you and those will be the people that you can share stuff with and bounce ideas off.
Taking care of the utilities is such an empowering moment, thats great that that is out of the way.
I hope that you are having a fun day egg decorating and fingers crossed the sun keeps shining
Have you come to a conclusion on how you will handle his calls?
Hi Anna
Yes, I asked him to leave in October last year when things got to crisis point. I asked for a divorce in January having waited to hear from him as to how he will tackle his drinking, incurring thousands of pounds of debts as well as lying about the these. I have had no answers as to how he will adress these.
Instead I am told to this day, that I am the reason why he 'self-medicated' with alcohol. That I spent too much money, that I refused to go out to work (we had agreed that I will stay at home for the family as his job requires him to travel widely and for long preiods of time). (I have been been actively looking for work - as the children got older and I got my driving license 3 years ago).
I am sad to say that I didnt cope well with these difficulties (especially as I have no family here) and as I was told that I should stop talking about it with close friends and to stop 'slagging' him off...I feel ashamed that I have acted badly to the point that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. So I decided that to ensure his happiness and mental well being as well as to regain my self respect, the best course of action is to go separate ways.So here I am, at a place that I had tried hard and worked hard not to be...but obviously not tried hard enough..
I have put a latch on the door so I feel safer when I am in the house with the children.He threatened to force his way in on New Year's Eve at 10:30 pm...I was petrifeid that we would end up arguing with the children being woken up. But he won't listen to my pleading and I had to call the Samaritan and then the police. I must say I can sleep better having put the latch on after that. But I understand that it is not legal to lock him out...
I am just coping with the phone calls as best I can. I try not to speak on the phone as I can hear the hysteria in his voice rising by the second and he always ends up screaming at me and I end up not wanting to argue then putting the phone down. Or I just don't answer. If it is kids' dinner time or I'm cooking or settling the kids, I just ignore it completely. But it's not easy as I know then the texts and the emails will start coming in...
Yes it isn't so bad today. I feel encouraged and supported with you folks to 'talk' to..Thanks for taking the time to post.
Hi ThePhoenix, it sounds that first and foremost he is an alcoholic and with that in mind he will blame everyone and everything around him for his drinking and his behaviour.
You are not to blame.
Have you ever considered attending an Al-Anon for family and friends of alcoholics group in your area? (Click on the link) Even though you have split up from him, you may find by attending these meetings you learn that his behaviour is normal for an alcoholic and nothing to do with you.
You think that you split with him for his wellbeing, but actually you have done it for yourself and your family's wellbeing and GOOD FOR YOU.
By putting the latch on the door, you are not locking him out, you are ensuring your family's safety, there is nothing wrong with that. Did you know that you are also allowed to turn your phone off as and when you feel like it? There is no law against that.
I went out with an alcoholic for a while and I soon learnt that it was best not to mention the dreaded word 'alcohol' as it would really wind him up, so instead I just talked about his behaviour and let him figure the rest out. It is not easy to support someone who insists on abusing themselves and in turn abuses us and our children.
You are doing the right thing. Now is the time for you to start believing in yourself and rebuilding your life. You can and will do it. You have probably found that already you feel freer and don't have to tamper your behaviour whilst at home.
As for meeting someone else, enjoy this time for finding out who you are. Once you are strong and have learnt to trust yourself again, then is the time to consider another relationship - if you want one.
How long were you and your husband together for?
Hi Anna
Thank you for your post. We were together 18 years with 2 beautiful children. Our very first argument was over him drinking and throwing the bottle away, then lying about it...I had a gut feel even then that it was a significant event. But couldn't quite put my finger on why it was...My mother in law at that time told me that I was '...making a mountain out of a mole hill...' Turns out that mole hill is bigger than anything I could possibly imagine..
I attended Al-Anon and wept for the entire time I was there. The women there were so kind. However, I haven't been able to attend any further sessions as I am car-less and college has taken any spare time I have left after the home/children/GP/solicitors/Relate and all that...I still hear him saying that I am the reason for his drinking and depression.
I can't shake it - if only I had not fought or argued or had let him have those nights out or let him buy more stuff...or not asked him to stay in when I had needed him because the kids were ill or when I was exhausted and needed his company. In short, if only I hadn't been selfish and wanted my own way...But I have been. So it is for him, that I call it a day. But yes, it is also for me. I don't want to live the way he wants us to. I don't want the fighting and the arguing. I don't want the children to live this terrible family-life and see their parents like this. I want to regain my self respect. I want calm and peace for the kids..
It is terrifying to make that decision !!! But for all our sakes...I think it is the best thing to do. When the dust has settled, I hope that we can both look back and say that it was the right decision...( I can but hope ).
Today, as I looked at the kids and see how they are doing, I know it's the right thing to do..I am filled with hope that we can get through this and stand up tall. We are strong and we will laugh again..(Aaarghhh!! You guys heard of Turrette's Syndrome ? What do you call someone who rambles instead of swearing ????)
I'm sorry for such a short post here, but I'm just eating rice krispies before going to work...
If he is able to enter the house, have you moved birth certificates (yours and the childrens), passports etc to a safe place? If you can, to a friend's house? It might sound dramatic, but it was the first thing I was adviced to do...
I think we do change to be a good "wife" or "partner". I do think it can take a while to be content with being on your own (or accepting it is actually so much easier and peaceful).
Don't get down about how you feel you dealt with things. In a way (and I still blame my self at times, but know it wasn't just me...) the behaviour has been controlled and you are made to feel that way, when really, the person who is saying rubbish to you should actually look in the mirror (I handed a mirror to my ex once when he was criticising me - he walked away from that conversation!).
I was married for 20 years. At one point I said that 14 of those were good. However, I actually think only the first two years were good. It takes a while to see things.
Great idea there, sparkling, with the birth certificates and passports.
Good mornong The Phoenix and how are you today? Did you get a chance to look at The Freedom Programme?
Hi Sparklinglime and Louise,
Yes had a look at the Freedom Programme; will go through it when I get a mo. Hands full trying to complete 18 assignments for college!! Help!
I did have them with a friend when things were crazy but I have them in the house now. You are right, I should move them away to a safe place...I shall do that again today. Thanks; I was thinking that just this week.
Exhausted today...couldn't sleep till about 1 this morning..couldn't find any thing to read either...couldn't be bothered to watch tv too...had a late night muchies instead...lucky I lost so much weight the last six months..I'm now lighter than I was pre-pregnancy ....!! So bring on those cakes..
Going to the cinema with the children today..hope you guys have a good day...thanks for posting
Hiya ThePhoenix, did I tell you that I love your name! Rising out of the ashes! Love it!
Every time you feel you should have done something different remind yourself that you were trying to protect him, you and your children. You didn't put anyone in danger or at risk. You were the strong one. Unfortunately your ex, unless he addresses his addiction, is going to continue to mess up his life and blame everyone else. Probably you for leaving him, the children for not being in his life. His housing circumstances, the bank, the man at the bus stop etc etc. You know inside out the workings of an alcoholic, but don't yet recognise them.
If you met someone who was living with a partner who was drinking you would see it so clearly.
Its funny that those things that happen so early on in our relationship is the thing that explodes into the biggest thing. We must learn this when we meet new people, see the warning signs and listen to our hearts/thoughts.
I hope you have had a good day at the cinema, now what about those assignments? Have you set yourself a timetable to start getting though them?
Hi Anna,
Yes, from the ashes something beautiful will arise! That is now my vision..for me and the children.
And yes, I do see the signs now in some folks that I am friends with...it's sad. But that is the statistics in a recent news documentary. The victims of alcoholism today are in their 40s, mainly males and professionals....Having given this issue much thought, I think the causes are much more complexed and deep rooted than people think...just speaking from experience. I feel such sadness for Him. I wish he would get help and recognise it himself. To make it worse, even his parents won't admit there's a problem with his drinking /debts/lying...But there is such stigma attached though isn't there. I started out asking people to respect my confidence but as someone said, maybe if we are more open to the subject of alcoholism, we would find the 'cure' quicker...It is strange how we get lots of sympathy if we carry a brokem limb with us but if we are psychologically or mentally ill (which is so much less obvious), we are thought to be 'weirdos', 'psychos' and other names...but we can be just as ill....
Yep, throwing the kids into bed at usual time so I can get on with my assignments tonight!
Movie was great !! Loved the homage to Bollywood dance sequence..
Yes the issues with alcohol in this country are so hidden, it is such a dangerous drug. I still find it incredible that it is legal!
It causes so much harm not only to the user but the family and friends around them too. I am not surprised his family are in denial, maybe they find it easier to deal with that way?
What film did you see? I love bollywood style dancing, it is so upbeat and uplifting.
Good luck with your assignments - 18 - aaagghhh I would be quaking in my boots!
Hi All,
Yes the assignments are weighing heavy on my mind...more so because the tutor lost all 3 that I handed in...! Then blame me for giving them to him...! I felt really upset as I spent days over them and also one of them was the 1st in a series of 4...Anyway, coupled with all the emotional stuff and the money worries meant that some nights I have just been staring at my laptop blankly without a word being written...still I keep trying...it is all I can do.
Got an email form Him when we got home from movies saying that he doesn't want this life and that I threw him out (yes, that one again..) and that he misses us...blah blah blah....all the things I warned him would happen over the last 5 years, would happen if he doesn't sort himself out. Now he blames me constantly for throwing him out ! I told you he said I was the cause of his depression and 'self medicating' ..? I don't know why he isn't jumping around for joy cos I'm out of his life...Days and hours I have spent trying to figure this out...SOmetimes I feel like I'm about to crack...Aaaaagh there I go again. Sorry sorry sorry
Movie was Mirror MIrror....it was funny, just don't go expecting the traditional fairy tale...amazing costumes which we enjoyed oogling over..
Btw, tutor guy mailed me to say he finally found them....after 4 months!!!
Hi Phoenix,
Welcome to the forum. I havent been around for a while but will try and catch up with the posts!
All I can say is it does get easier with time, i split from my ex 3 yrs ago on the 6th April, it was really tough at the beginning but things have gradually got easier. I do still have my down days but I guess that most people do!
I find it hard as my ex is in the forces so it can be difficult to have regular contact weekends in place and he likes to expect me to change things at the last minute!
Sam
Hello Sam.W
Thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry you are finding things tough on your down days. Guess we have to keep hoping those good days keep coming , huh ?
Hang in there !! As someone said to me once '...just take one thing at a time...' and it does work; when I remember to. SOmetimes it is easier to go back to the little but precious things eg just chilling, watching a funny programme with the kids and having crisps ...(forget healthy eating for a change!!)..or just reading the papers in the park whilst the kids go check out the ice cream situation...
It's difficult some days to even get out of bed ...but we make ourselves don't we ? And before you know it, you're settling the kids down at bedtime again..! Aaaannd another day bites the dust...this site has been a lifeline for me too. Especially when it's weekends and hols; when the regular folks have all gone away for their family visits/trips and whatnots...keep posting as they say...there's always a reply here to keep us sane...
Take care Sam.W keep that chin up. You sound like you're further along the tunnel than some of us; keep paddling...
Hello Sam W lovely to see you, how are the Easter hols going?
Hi Phoenix, the film sounds fab! "self-medicating" hmm well that is a very skewed way of looking at alcohol abuse. He needs to take responsibility for HIMSELF and if he really wants to reunite with you, he could prove it by stopping drinking and going into a rehab programme! Glad your tutor found the assignements. When I was doing my counselling studies I bought one of those memory sticks, think it was about £8, and saved all my work on there as it was such a nightmare scenario that stuff would get lost or my computer would crash. What's on the agenda today?
Hi Louise,
Thanks for your post. I know that now... normally data would be saved on the Hard Drive but then the old laptop (courtesy of Himself) was on the blink and then finally corrupted...(had to pay out £200 for a new Hard Drive ) SO all lost.. but hopefully I can collect my assignments ...He bought himself a spanking new iPad by the way !!! Heartache indescribable...
I said the same to him about the drinking. I thought by asking him to leave and he has some away time out and get the feel of what it is like to be on his own doing his own thing, he might realise that the alcohol is not worth it...but that was 6 months ago...when we finally met up at Relate and I asked him why he's still drinking...he said '...because I want to....' I rest my case. It makes me angry though that he also tried to blame me by saying that his drinkinbg is due to being married to me. That doesn't add up. He's drinking because "he wants to" and he 'self-medicated'...it's one or the other...surely ? It just hurts me whatever...THe friends he has spoken to aren't told the truth and they blame me too...
Deep breath..new day...friends coming for a play and visit. Hope your day goes well. What are you up to Louise ? Sam.W, hope the sun shines your way to brighten your day a little...and not the freaky snow and sleet...
Have you had a decent day, Phoenix? Hope all the children behaved. I had a stack of paperwork to get through and that is what I have done, boring but neccessary and now I feel very virtuous (haha, it won't last)
It is my book club tomorrow, which I am looking forward to, although the book this month was dire
Hi Louise,
I had a so-so day; got mail from him...it makes me miss my family a lot. I wiah I can talk to my mom but I don't want to worry her. She's overseas with the rest of my family..I know that if they were here, he won't have dared behave this way...
Got mail from in-laws too...don't know why they are offended that I don't want to have anything to do with them. I have had very little support from them in the last 6 months. When our Joint Acc hit the Overdraft limit and I couldn't get anymore money out ...they never ever asked if I am managing to feed the children...now they want to see the children..and I'm supposed to be nice to them...I feel like poking them in the eyes..I was told by Himself that even their own daughter (my sis in law) didn't want her parents to have her phone number...
Aaaarrgghh Louise ! I want to pack up and take the children and go home to my folks..
Hi Phoenix, it is sometimes very hard to be nice to in-laws, I had a similar situation, mine kept phoning up but helped very little. Oh, hang on, they paid for the senior school uniform for eldest, three years later, when I had to send a LIST of each item and what it had cost 
In your situation, they are probably in denial about how their son has been and it therefore suits them to make you "the baddie" HOWEVER (oh you knew there was one of those didn't you?) it really might be a good idea for your children to continue to see their grandparents so don't rule it out altogether.
I have always thought that as single parents we deserve a medal but if we have all the in-law business to deal with as well, then canonisation could be on the cards!!
How are you feeling today?
Hey Louise,
...not great this morning ...but thank you so much for your post. Can't tell you how much it means to have someone ask...bad night..not worried about the medal, just want to get on with my life...and stop hearing the "...I don't behave like one should of my culture and have taken on the worst of British culture..." ....
...just want to be left alone...
On the positive side..managed to transfer all the data (including all the baby photos !) from His External Hard Drive to my laptop !!!! On such a steep learning curve with technologies but I am getting there ...without His help. Feeling good about that....
Like a ....roller coaster I am; down one moment, then up the next...thanks for talking to me.Hope everyone have a good day...
Hi the Phoenix - you are bound to feel up and down and I have been there too (and still do sometimes!) we are here to support you and listen - please don't listen to or pay any attention to negative stuff - it is not worth it - they are just trying to feel better about themselves by putting us down - remember you are worth more than that - sending you a morning hug
Hiya ThePhoenix, I am sorry to hear that you have had a bad start to your morning.
I wrote you a long message yesterday, but the computer swallowed it up and I was unable to post again. In brief it said that rather than thinking that you split with him for his mental health and to help him. How about taking ownership of the situation - you split with him because he lied, he got your family into debt, you were losing your self respect, his behaviour was ocassionally foul, you weren't happy, the list goes on.
So you can hold your head up high and know you have done a good thing for you and your family. You have spent a lot of years worrying about him and looking after him, now it is his turn.
Where do your family live, are you due a visit?
Hi Littleredhen and Anna,
Thanks for posting. Thanks too for the hug I'm sorry the beastly computer swallowed your message
You are right Anna about taking ownership. Sometimes I know it in my head...then all the hurting takes over and I can't 'see'...I am glad that I have called it...but it still is a source of pain..
I know I have been the stronger one ... to call time..for me, for the children..I know it's all the harder because he is back in town for the last month in his new accomodation....all the harder from all his emails and texts..but it'll get less intense and easier..
So thanks for the support and the talking..I don't know how I'd get by without your posts to look forward to each day..
Anna, my folks are on the other side of the world and they can't come as it is really expensive and they are struggling financially due to the economic recession ...I try to talk to them on the phone but don't want to worry them too much. My Dad has heart problems..I will give them a ring though at Easter...that will be good (kinda)..
Thanks a million
Good morning Phoenix
How are you doing? I liked what you said about knowing it is the right thing in your head and yet the hurting makes it hard to see. Anna is right, taking that ownership will give you the focus you need to move foreward with things.
It's funny, isn't it, that as our parents get older we want to "protect" them from things the way they must have protected us as children. When we have children ourselves we are then left as the rather stressed bit of "ham" in the middle of the sandwich as we protect all those around us and have little time for ourselves! So are you going to manage a treat for yourself over this Easter weekend?
Good morning ThePhoenix. How are you doing today? I hope you manage to enjoy the Easter weekend with the children. Sorry your Dad isn't too good with his heart problem. Speaking to them over the weekend will lift your spirits and theirs I'm sure Take care.
Hi Louise and Hazeleyes,
I'm ok this morning; just tired..couldn't sleep till about 1:30..had to work out the computer stuff before it dies on me again..it's hard muddlin through...not really my cuppa tea. JUst need to find a Hard Drive to backup data...you guys have any pointers? I have trawled some help sites and reviews for suggestions...still boggled..
He is picking up one of the children today...hope he hasn't been drinking before he picks her up..scared he might have another car accident...I'll be worried till she gets home..
What are you both up to this Good Friday ? The sun is out....always makes me feel a bit better...
Thanks for your posts...
Hi ThePhoenix. Sorry no help whatsoever with computer stuff. I think Louise is a dabhand though The sun is out here too, but feels cold indoors. I've resorted to putting the heating on Am not doing anything today (that I know of), though I love holidays, my son and I normally end up on our own really. I'm thinking of inviting a 'friend' round from school, but nine times out of ten, it ends up in rows!! However I haven't had this particular child round for a while, so maybe things will be okay. His Mum has a few problems at the moment, with family members, so I thought I'd give her a break (I don't mind helping out, but it's normally one sided unfortunately!!
If your ex has been drinking or you get an inkling of it, refuse to let your daughter in the car. You have every right to do so. If she goes, I hope she has a good time with him.
Hi Hazeleyes,
...I will make sure she doesn't. Thank you. A friend said that he won't...I don't know why she is so certain...if it's one thing I am sure about, it's his inability to stop drinking even when his family and his marriage was at stake..I don't think anything will stop him.
Thanks for posting We r getting the bikes out and get some rays...hope the boys behave and have a good time!
Hi Phoenix, hope you had a good bike ride and blew away some of the cobwebs.
The computer stuff, you can easily buy an external hard drive which plugs into your USB point on the main computer. Ebay sells them fairly cheaply and there is a site called ebuyer that I have used a few times too. Then you just plug it in and save a copy of all precious things onto it then can unplug it and keep it somewhere safe. If it is only a few files then a memory stick will suffice (cheaper) but I ended up with the external hard drive because I wanted to save a large amoun of downloaded music.
Thanks Louise,
I'll check it out. You're not a Mac user by any chance are you ..?
No sorry Phoenix, is that what you are using?
Yes I agree with that, we always had Christmas on Boxing Day when the boys were small, as they went to their dad's on Christmas Day.
As for dating, totally understand where you are coming from with the driving thing. Dating is for fun, especially just at first and it is nice to get out and about and be treated a bit (although I think it is nice for the woman to offer to drive "sometimes" so that the chap feels he can have a couple of beers for a change) I would not worry too much about whether to get involve with someone on a long term basis, just ebjoy getting out and about, dating and meeting different people.