This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi ThePhoenix, well its pouring down here today, so I guess there won't be any playing in the woods or swimming for you today 
good for you contacting the counsellors, how long did they say? My friend once said to me, having counselling is the best present you can give yourself. And I have to say that I agree. I hope your appointments come up soon and that you feel heard.
So what are you going to have planned for when your friends head out in the middle of August?
Haven't got back to me yet, still waiting to hear. Shouldn't be long; maybe in 2-3 weeks?
I know that it would be good for me and a burden lifted from the shoulders of friends who have been supporting me. It's hard to keep it bottled up inside. Kids are lovely but can't really...
It's raining down here too but we are watching the Olympics and just resting having had a busy social week. Then having friends over for lunch on Thurs and out to friends' again on Friday with a whole bunch of others.
There's one or two other folks around mid Aug but I think we'll head into London after the Olympics have ended and do a few sight seeing. Going to see if we can build a den in the garden; ...
What about you, Anna? I don't really fancy going to the museums in the summer but maybe the cinema. Ordered a few DVDs that are cheaper than renting so we'll be watcing those when the sun is hiding.
Might try to do a bit of cooking with the kids, they love that. It's company we wish we have... Guess now is the time to build on our relationship. Reading, chatting..things we always seem to have no time for when school is back on and we are rushing around.
Heard from counsellors - 5 to 10 weeks
Was told it would only be a few weeks.
Don't really want to call the Sams. Tried that once. Beginning of the year he wanted '...at least a week..' for the summer hols with the children. Contacted him in July for hols plans but so far no definite dates; just lots of emails accusing me of 'denying him access'. At wits' end. Can't take anymore. Finding this hard - accused of being 'obstructive'. Can't wait for divorce. Sign the papers. Close this chapter of my life.
How did you all cope? I am by nature a loner so don't mind my own company but this is driving me insane. Help. Sorry. Hope I'm not posting in the wrong thread. Can't think. Was ok till now
Hi The Phoenix
Yes the grim realities are hard. We have seen in the past that your children's dad thrives on making you out to be the baddie, so although you are happy for him to see the children, he "wants" to think of you as obstructive, and I don't know about you but there is nothing worse than being accused of something you have not done!
You ask how people cope and my answer is a cliche...one day at a time. That is because the whole process can throw up challenges you never anticipated and your emotions can be all over the place. So it is worth hanging on to that "what do I need to do to get through TODAY?" question, rather than worry about all the what ifs.
Shame that there are still several weeks to wait for counselling...do you get 6 sessions?
Hi Louise,
You are absolutely right. It hurts real bad to be accused unjustly but I guess that why we are at this point in our lives. Wish there was a pill I can take to stop the hurting.
It's made worse everytime I have to see him or be in contact with him. That's why I keep it all to the absolute minimum and the practicalities. Makes me want to scream when people tell me I should be 'civil' with him. Dreading the day when we have to make the trip to an upcoming Olympic event which we have tickets for...for the sake of the kids, I will have to keep my cool. Think I will need to take something for that day.
I think I get 6 sessions but who knows..
ThePhoenix, Louise is absolutely right - One day at a time and remember you don't have to be a wondermum either. Spend a little time reading whilst the children are doing something else. Find a bit of time just for you, have you considered writing a journal?
It sounds as though you have some fun things coming up with friends. I know that on quiet days, it can feel as though they are going to drag on forever, but they don't tomorrow is a new day.
I know it is easier said than done, but it sounds as though when your ex accuses you of stuff, you allow it to play on your mind and that in turn is making you feel rubbish. Can you say to yourself. This is how he behaves and this is why we are not together, so I am going to put it in a box and not think about it until xx:xx time.
You say that you don't really want to call the Samaritans, but just remember that is what they are there for, when we are at our lowest.
So you have no dates for the weeks hols for the children?
I know..I'll try to. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Tomorrow is a new day. We say that to each other - coincidentally :)
No, no dates from him. He has plans for himself socially but he has given me no plans; just "I'm free on this day or that'. I'm not going to jump up and down about it. If he wants to see the kids he can say when and what. I will try to accomodate but when he leaves it till Thurs/Fri for a weekend date, I'm not going to cancel the kids' planned activities. It's not fair on them, is it? Anyway, I have had the kids since day one. My plans always involve them and I know that he's not going to change. This is the way he lives. I'm ok with having the kids. These times with them are short in the grand scheme of things anyway. Soon they'll be doing their own thing :)
What gets me is the accusations he throws at me. If I can access counselling, I could cope better. I'll remember the box idea..
We always have time to respond to you ThePhoenix, you are a valued member. You have been through a lot and we want to support you through to the other side!
It sounds as though most of the time you feel pretty in control of the situation until he throws something negative your way. I think in time, this will sting less as your resiliance grows.
I think that we listen to our ex's and then believe/or question what they have said - because we are used to doing that. Once we regrow our own self love and belief in ourselves again, then we can move on.
You have friends coming over today, what food are you going to prepare?
Ooh and I just want to stick my nose in here and say two things:
1. Great idea about the journal, Phoenix, did you know that you write very well?
2. The thing about putting negativity in a box, could you get an ACTUAL box? and with every accusation or negative reaction, quickly write it down, and put it in the box. Put a label on it saying something like "I am in charge of this box and here is where these bad things stay"?
Just saying...
Hi Anna and Louise,
Thanks very much for your posts. Yes, today was a busy day with activities for the children which they enjoyed and we had friends over for lunch and stayed for most of the afternoon. Had 10 children in total. I did pasta bake and friends brought choc eclairs and strawberries. Us grown up even managed some Pimms! Trampoline was put to work and big kids even did a spot of baking. Major clean up after but we had a fab time 
Next week we'll be trotting off to London to have a wander 'round; might see a famous athlete or two
You're right Anna. That's exactly how I am; in control until he throws a few emails my way. And yes, it won't last forever..but I do struggle as I'm witout my family around to support me. That's when I turn into the grumpy troll lady. But I have decided not to check my mail in the mornings so he won't ruin my day. I'll only check them when the kids have gone to bed. At least I can try to begin the day on a positive note. I think I give the impression that I am ultra strong but sometimes I'm just a mess inside. Guess that's the same with most of us who walk this path, huh?
I have thought about a 'real time' box...I'm waiting for that box of chocs that are being devoured and use it to box up the accusations. It'll be good to do that. It helps tons to be able to write this down and have your support. You've been a lifeline. Thanks so much.
You can stick your nose in anytime Louise. I always look forward to reading your posts. Made me smile what you said about my writing 'very well'...hehe. Many thanks for the lovely compliment.
Anyway, to bed so we can have fun tomorrow. Going swimming with some friends,hope the weather doesn't let us down. But I guess it doesn't matter so much as it's a heated pool apparently..we also seem to be living on picnic food at the moment. And you guys..?
Hi The Phoenix
You had chocolate eclairs and you didn't invite us round? TUT TUT
Yes, I think none of us can be strong all the time. So it can be helpful to garner that strength and to think of an outlet for the non-strong times, something you do to smooth your feathers down and tell yourself you're doing OK. Great idea to leave reading his emails till later in the day..and you might even manage alternate days as time goes on.
Glad you are having some lovely days with the children 
I also beleive that once we remember to recognise that everything he does is to wind us up, then that gives us a shield too.
If we know that our ex is not going to be reasonable and expect something ridiculous to be requested or said, then it won't affect us so much.
Sounds like you had a good time last week and you are off to London this week, any other plans?
Yes, I can see that. It still hurts though; that's why I'm trying to access the couselling that is taking a daunting '8-10 weeks'.
I also try to keep emails incredibly short unless I'm updating him on kids/finance etc.
We did have a godd 2 weeks and though we went down to the Olympics together as a foursome, it was an amazing night at the Olympic Stadium to see Jessica Ennis take that gold and Mo Farrah winning the 10000ms. As well as GBR take the men's long jump gold medal. Historical night.
London again this week with friends, thankfully. Then maybe a camp out in the garden? and the kids will have a day with him. Leaving the kids scratching their heads for ideas about where to go as he has none himself apart from taking them to London eventhough he has the car. Yet he has his August social diary planned. Sad for the kids.
Aaah, at least the kids are catered for when they are with me, eh? We're ok. Went to the woods yesterday with some friends and the kids climbed trees and built dens and then had tea with our friends. Was a good day
What are you guys up to? Anyone doing anything fun ? I'm beginning to think when we need to just laze about at home!
Wow ThePhoenix, you were there on the day of all those golds! How fantastic! Glad to hear that it all went well.
It sounds like you are doing lots of great things with the children, but you are right, a day at home, can be just as fun and relaxing too!
Just wondering if your children are into Harry Potter? Hazeleyes was talking on another thread about the Harry Potter Studio Tour, perhaps he could take them to that!!
Yeah !! Talk about history..still getting goosebumps..
Harry Potter would be great and my older is re-reading for the umpteenth time but younger one isn't yet. I hear it's really pricey - he's really rather broke.
Still it'll be an option for another day. Have you done anything for yourselves? I watched Casino Royale again last night.
Ahh, I love casino royale, great film! My daughter and I went to spain and did a two week intensive spanish course, which was brilliant, but now I am back at work and she is at home surfing the internet desperate to find a job, either paid or voluntary. She is completely broke at the moment and it seems that she and her friends only meet up if they have money. They generally spend all day at home talking to each other on the internet instead!
When I was younger I would scrape together the money to get the bus to a friends hours and stay there for as long as possible. Oh these modern teens, they have all their creature comforts and don't want to go anywhere!
Hello The Phoenix
I sometimes reflect that as parents we think we have to provide all-singng, all-dacncing entertainment for our children but often just hanging around and chilling are good. I know I can be a bit of a tartar (!) but how about having a little job up your sleeve, mine is "painting the fence" this year, anyway at the first cry of "I'm bored", you say "Oooh good I have been waiting for you to be fully rested enough to feel bored, now that you are no longer tired, the job is to paint the fence" They will soon "need more rest"
Lol ...I love that. In fact I was thinking of a 'job' or two this evening...
It has been nice though to have fun these 2 weeks too. God knows I have needed to just do some fun stuff and not have to say ' oh, but I can't ...got to do those dreaded assignments..'
Yes ThePhoenix, this is you time and oh so important.
Actually one of the fab things about being a single parent is that you can do exactly as you wish!! 
Just wandered over, as 'smelt' the words Harry Potter, hehe. YesThePhoenix, sounds like you have loads going on, so busy, which is a good thing sometimes isn't it? I haven't done a thing with C, although we are visiting someone tomorrow, (if I can find where she lives) We're going to Harry Potter studio next week. Taking a school friend of C's. Part of his birthday treat, which isn't until the 5th September, but.... I'm gearing myself up for the studio, and shall plaster a really interesting look across my face (I'm not in to it at all!) One adult, 2 kids, cost of £70, so yes, it is expensive, but hopefully worth it to see C's face of wonder at it all!
Hello Hazeleyes,
...nice to know that there's a OneSpace-er...living over this side of the country..
Yeah, looked at Harry Potter Studio and I confess to being a fan but I think you'll be suitably impressed (I hope )..It is pricey although for a birthday treat you aren't doing too badly...
Yes, right again, I was just thinking in the shower (where I do most of my thinking) that we have seen so many friends whom we seldom met up with in our previous chapter! And it's nice.. but I ought to pencil in some days of the week when we start going through some elementary maths and literacy before school starts again. Hehe
I think there's at least one more trip to London though and maybe an adventure in the forest is on the cards in the next few days. Some friends have asked us to come along and check out a stream in the woods...that's definitely my kind of activity!! Woods and stream..best of the best..
I'm hardly getting anytime to read in the evenings ! Late night readings though - bought a four pack of some nice microbrew..hehehe goes well with a quiet midnight read..Later y'all
Hi everyone,
Met up with solicitor last week to enquire about legal aid. Unfortunately, I don't qualify as I am joint owner of house. So have to proceed alone. Have asked him to share expenses to pay fees including Mediation fees. On advice from solicitor, have written to him stating reason why I would consider not proceeding with divorce. However, eventhough he claims 'responsibility' he is still not retracting his blaming me for debts. Saying it is not my business to know what is between him and his 'therapist' (if indeed there is one).Point is I don't even know what/if he is etting treatment for his alcohol abuse. I don't even know where he lives as he won't take the children there ( same town).
I do know he is not neglecting his social life as he has had his 'only holiday this year' and his plans for social activities is known to me when he says he can't have the kids because of this. So he is still incurring debts left, right and centre.
I believe our marriage is lost completely. Was trawling through emails last night to check for dates of certain emails and noticed that the same issues are still ongoing. So I am proceeding. It hurts so much.
Also had family news from home abroad which makes me not want to be here. All friends are away till school begins and this is making me feel awfully isolated. Even if they were around I really don't want to go crying to them anymore. Spoke to my dad yesterday, it was hard...
He's harping on about my not 'letting the children see his parents'. The in-laws who have never ever changed a nappy, feed a spoonful of food to the kids when they were babies. They have not helped whatsoever in this saga apart from to ask me if '... he ..drunk all the time..' and emailed me to say that they were going away (in the UK) for 10 days and that they were 'out of circulation' for that time. ( This was when all the crap blew up 10 months ago). So I don't have any loyalty to them and the kids definitely don't have any liason with them.(Even their own daughter has an estranged relationship with them). He emails me vehemently for 'meetings' to discuss this.
Yet, when I asked him to honour his commitment to send the kids back to my folks he said he won't have the finances (despite the fact that we were going ONCE every four years!). Can he force me to send the kids to meet with his parents?? ANyone had similar experience?
Can feel myself sliding downwards again. Can't sleep, can't concentrate. Just trying to concentrate on one activity to the next. Trying to hold on till I get appointment for counselling, hopefully when school begins.
Hello The Phoenix
I have to say that ALL my friends with younger children are just about at "tearing their hair out stage" by this time in the long summer holidays, and that is without all you have going on.
We are always here for you to talk to
Sorry to hear you had some news that made you homesick. Big HUG for you.
No, he cannot force you to send the children to his parents. He would either need to take the children there himself during his parenting time or the grandparents would have to take out a court action for set contact (lots of time, lots of expense and only a small chance of success)
Do talk to your solicitor about protecting your share of the house if he is running up debts. Is there any postive action you can take about this?
One day at a time and it is nearly school time again and you can get a bit of breathing space
Oh Louise,
I love the childen and I don't mind having them at all. I don't mind having them everyday all the time. It's him I can't stand...being hurt by his constant allegations. I know I should be able to ignore it...
Thanks for being here and talking to me. I miss my folks so much. All I can think of is being home with them and all that we did this time last year. Miss my parents. I'm the only girl and have a close relationship with my mom. I miss her dreadfully. We have a new addition to our family and I so want to go home and see the little one. But I don't even know when and if I'll ever make it home.
Aw, The Phoenix, I know you love your children, it is just that all the other stuff can mar the good bits
Do you have Skype so you can chat to your mum and see the new baby?
No, I don't Louise. But I should try again. DIdn't work the last time I tried. Women and technology, eh ?
Oh Skype would be such a good thing for you, do have another go. I think you just download it free then you email people you want to talk to, telling them your user name and they add you to their contact list. You can use a web cam to see each other or just use microphone and speakers to chat
Hi y'all at One Space.
This has been a long time coming but I am posting this to say a really big 'Thank You' for all the support that you have given me in the time that I have spent on here. It has been a crazy year and it has been really hard at times.(The Queen has no idea what my annus horribilis has been compared to hers :).....) I have finally finished that course I was doing and received the much-longed for certificate.! Hopefully I will be able to find some work with it now. Thanks y'all!!
Things are much the same with the ex. I had some respite as he has not been in touch with the kids and me to arrange visits or even call them for the last 8 weeks. I have had to contact him regarding this (for the sake of the kids, apparently..) and to tell him that my younger is not well at all. Not surprisingly, he has come back with a truck-load of .... and not at any point asked how my child is or even ring her. I feel I have done the wrong thing in contacting him but took up the idea when a friend said it might be good for the kids. I have opened myself up to being shot with his accusations again; that I haven't arrange contact and got the kids to see his parents...Won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Meanwhile I am sure you have all struggled bravely on..And again, thank you.
Hi The Phoenix, lovely to hear from you and fatastic news about your qualification, WELL DONE!!!!!! As for the children's father, well you tried and you gave him a chance.
How is your youngest?
What sort of work will you be looking for?
Thanks Louise,
My youngest is ok for the mo but I don't know if her illness is completely gone until she has had some tests. Just hoping the consultant will hurry up with getting us a date for them. Meantime, I go from day to day praying she will be ok. It's hard to explain it and I'm trying to not disclose too much for their privacy. I'm sure you'll understand. But her illness means that she might have an episode at any random time including in her sleep. This means I am not getting a good night's kip usually but I'm ok with that for the moment.
I'm now looking for a teaching job with adults who want to learn English. Hoping I can find any foreign speakers really - to fit in with the kids being at school. Anthing online or teaching from home. There's a few leads which I am trying to follow up but trying to get the divorce off the ground at the same time...I seem to be running around doing all the chores and homework, networking and scouring the internet jobs scene. But still not getting anything done...although I have put my name down for a voluntary position at the college I trained and applied for a post at a nearby school (they had 28 applicants !). Anyways, onwards and upwards,eh?
Hiya ThePhoenix (waves cheerily!) Great to see you and congrats on your certificate - high five to you!
I am sorry to read that your youngest has not been well, fingers crossed that you get a date for the tests soon.
It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate - divorce, job hunting, household stuff, but your post sounds as though you are in a good place, so that is great to see.
I hope you hear back from the voluntary position you applied for, always a good way in.
Keep us updated won't you
Hi Anna,
High 5 back to ya! Thanks very much. You guys were such a lifeline...Yes, I am in a good place. Better when I didn't have to contact him about seeing his children. I don't want to do that again. I am so happy getting on with my life without him; new things to create, people to love and the world to embrace....I want to look forward and not be swamped by his abusive accusations. One day..
What do you do when life gets you down...? 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...!' (Finding Nemo)
Hey ThePhoenix!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
How was your Christmas? Are the children back at school? Have you managed to get over and see you folks?
Happy New Year, Anna and to all at One Space !
Christmas was quiet; I was poorly and just about managed to cook Christmas meal. Kids are back at school and normal routine.
No, can't afford to go back home to see my family for the forseeable future. Trying to get a job but not much luck so far. Can't afford to divorce him either. So in limbo land at the moment. Financially drained as I think he is not paying the actually amount. So it's not a good start to the year so far. Hope it gets better.
How's everyone been ? Are you all holding up ?
Hi ThePhoenix, what a pain being unwell over the holidays, hope your recovered now! Sorry to hear you feel stuck in limbo at the moment, you could contact our Money Expert to see if your getting the right amount from your ex.
Christmas was quietish for me too (only one day of total madness, where i had family over), was nice to have sometime off to recharge.
Have you been looking for work for very long?
Hi sally W,
Thanks for your post. Just glad Christmas is over...all that hype is such a burden.
I got my teaching cert in Oct last year and has been looking since. I know things are usually quiet around Christmas. I have rung up a couple of leads some folks have given me but no joy. I have a last one to chase. Just did my CV today, I will need to work on it a bit more and hope to get it out before the end of the week. If this one doesn't turn up with anything, I won't know where to go next. Cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.
Thanks for the tip with Money Expert. I sent a mail off with some questions so hope it'll answer some questions.
I ought to start buying the lottery; maybe win the jackpot. That will give me the cash to divorce the so-called man I'm still married to.
I ought to go before the doom sets in; the gloom is already here.. Thanks again Sally W.
Hello The Phoenix,nice to see you, we have missed you
I was poorly over Christmas too so you have my sympathy. Good luck with the jobhunt, you have done so well to get your qualifications. Have you had some help from the Job Centre with the CV? To be honest, I would not have rated this but my friend had one done by their expert and although she is a person with no real qualifications and experience of only one job, he made her sound like some sort of Rockerfeller!!
Hi Louise,
Hope you have recovered now.
That's interesting...I'll check it out. Do you mean Job Centre Plus ?
Yes I do. Ours has an agency that comes in once a week and has appointments with people.
And yes I am better now, thank you, and hope you are too
Thanks Louise
Hi ThePhoenix, from my understanding Job Centre Plus can refer people to do a CV writing workshop, they also do other types of workshops that can aid people back into work, such as help with interviewing techniques, work trials etc.
Something that i found really helpful was doing some voluntary work.
Hi Sally W,
Thankfully a friend has offered to look at my CV and help me polish it up bit. Don't know what I'd do without friends in the last year.
I 've also managed to get myself 2 voluntary slots in the college I got my qualififcation from. I am basically a classroom assistant in these classes, gaining experience albeit unpaid. Just need the right jobs to pop up now.
Had a couple of leads this week but they came to nothing ...just got to keep trying, I guess.
Yes keep going ThePhoenix, persistence, persistence, persistence! Its not easy and you have to be kind to yourself all the while.
It is great to read that you have some voluntary work, it always looks good on your CV and makes you better prepared. Fingers crossed that something comes your way soon.
....so how's everyone..? Hi to Louise and Anna and all the who come on..
It's been a while. Things are on an even keel, I guess but then again, I'm not making any headway. Which is frustrating.
I'm just so weighed down by the nitty gritty of life - voluntary work (which is not paying of course), housework, kids, sickness, money worries.. I can't even do much than just emotionally keeping my head above water at the moment. Need to see a solicitor to activate divorce proceedings but can't afford to. Got stung with a £450 bill the first time. That's a source of despondency too.
Kids noticed my blues this weekend. It's been a weekend of homework and kids activities which I have had very little energy for, to be honest.
Holidays coming up but can't afford to go away and no friends/relatives anywhere in this country. Feel so sorry for kids. Really need to get away somewhere. It's been a long while since we left town. I know we can do day trips and all that; which we did last year and sometimes anyway.
Anyone feeling the same ??
Hi ThePhoenix! Lovely to 'see' you!
It is good to read that things are on an even keel, that is a good place to be, however you still feel like you are struggling with the monotony of it all as well as needing to activate your divorce.
Where is there time for The Phoenix? Time for you to do a bit of what YOU want to do? This is so important to help us through the mundane things in life.
We all have down days/weekends, so don't worry too much about that, it has passed. Why not contact one of your friends and see what they are up to next weekend?
hi hun how are u, im same really, i feel bogged down by nitty gritty life, im on my olwn 3 kids, my little girl is very demanding, she is 2 half, i want to take them away to this year, last year i took them to my mates caravan for a week in august, was nice break,this year hopein to stay in thier caravan again, she as bought new one on better site,she is fully booked up, so hopein she gets cancellation, ive bin down this week, my little girl gets to much for me, she paddys etc, always glad when she in nursery. i feel same as u hunx plus in middle of court case
Hey Anna and Kiera,
Thanks for posts. Yeah, long weekend coming up - so I really want to organise something. But how does one afford these away breaks when money is so tight especially this is a 5 week month. I also need to spend money on much needed shoes and clothes. (I'm so angry that He has money to buy himself new things but doesn't think about the kids). Oh well, maybe I can find a friend who has a caravan somewhere ... Lucky you, Kiera.
However, sounds like you have your hands full with your 2 year old, Kiera. These days don't last forever (thankfully). I'm fortunate enough that my two are a bit older now. Hang in there, I guess. Court case sounds horrid though...
I have a busy week (same again..) but am able to access some local counselling which went really well and I'm looking forward to it again this week. I really need to know how to cope with allowing access to an alcoholic.
Crazy how we feel better when the sun's out....Looking forward to a long weekend
Take care everyone.
That's true, The Phoenix and I am glad you had a lovely break.
Don't forget that The Samaritans are there if you need to talk to someone..they have helped me a few times 08457 909090.
Your solicitor will be able to guide you on what to expect with splitting up who gets what.