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Hi ThePhoenix
It is understandable that you are feeling low, just acknowledge the feelings, they will pass. You know in your heart that this is the right way forward, not only for you but also your children too.
You are right, his relationship with his children is HIS responisiblity now. I think we spend a lot of time worrying for them, trying to make it work, but as a friend said to me a few years ago, actually it is none of your business, of couse you have to pick up the pieces, but generally there is little more that you can control.
We all fear that we are not going to do a good job with our children, raising them alone, however the fact that we worry, means that we work extra hard at the job! Remember all children whether in a 2 parent family or not go through tantrums, frustrations, downright naughty phases. It is not because of their situation it is because they have to do that to understand the world they live in.
It must be hard having 2 children at 2 extremes of emotions about your ex. Have you sat down and talked about him? You could play a game where each of you says what they like about Daddy and what they miss about Daddy, this could raise all sorts of conversations.
Hi Anna, yes we do talk abput him when they bring it up...I try to be open in talking about him. We talk about the good times (eventhough it's hard for me) and what they remember...I don't shut them up. But that's a good idea to specifically ask for good memories...I am struggling a bit this week.
Can't chill, find holidays difficult. Mainly cos I worry about the children getting in the car with him and him drinking...remembering him sneaking off for those 'half pints...' and then driving with us in the car...and me not knowing (feel stupid about not knowing) and now finding out through the AA website all those mints/bombay mix in the car/drawers were in fact to cover up the smell of alcohol-breath.....can't sleep...
Thanks for your post, Anna
Good morning Phoenix,
You had a low time yesterday, how are you doing today? You say that you were dwelling on things and wishing you handled it differently, how do you wish you had acted? We all have regrets (wise after the event, eh?) and of course we can't change things in the past BUT we can learn from the past and that's the important thing. Anyway do tell us more if you think it would help.
Hope your day goes Ok 
Morning Louise, Thanks for taliking. I'm ok, just tired. Couldn't sleep last night for worrying about kids and work.
Wish I hadn't had those horrendous fights with him, I guess. Wish I had walked away...with the kids sooner. Wish I had know about the amount of ££ money he owes. Wish I had asked questions why the first time round when I found out. Wish I'd gone on the AA website sooner...Wish I hadn't argued; just walked....yes, hindsight and all that...it 's a pointless exercise this, eh? Sorry.
Wish me luck negotiating contact for the kids...thanks Louise.
Of course, we wish you luck, always
I hope you won't mind me saying that I am "glad" those are the regrets you are having. They are ones that endorse the decisions you have taken (rather than regrets about leaving, if you see what I mean) Sorry you can't sleep, though. I know it feels very hard to be the responsible one, caring for the children, juggling all that you have to do, and staying sane to boot. Remember my motto: "HOLD YOUR NERVE" ...you will look back on this year and be astounded at what you accomplished.
Good luck from me as well Phoenix.
Sorry I've not been too good with support here.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but then so long as we learn from it...
Thinking of you.
Hi Louise,
Thanks for your post. It always make me feel less isolated when somone repsonds. I'm really grateful for all the support I am getting here. Especially now that the inital period of separation and tears have worn off; leaving the day to day reality. Friends don't call so much anymore even though things are any easier.... Hard to imagine how it'll be a year down the line........
Sparkling...you have had so much to deal with.You have had your fair share and more besides, of grief and sadness...those who are in a 'happy family' set up have no idea, do they ? When you are struggling on your own...'...valleys and mountains....' So thanks for posting and reading all the rantings and ramblings.....
Hi ThePhoenix. Are you going for the lunch tomorrow with the children, or was it today? Maybe your friends aren't calling around so much, as they might see you coping or managing a bit better, even though inside you don't feel you are. Why not invite them round? They might be shocked if you tell them that things aren't easier for you, and that you're still adjusting to everything. Use the support of your friends if you can
I'm not a lover of the bank holidays either. Don't get me wrong, I do love the time I get to spend with C, but I always think other people are having such a fantastic long weekend, and I must be the only one sitting on my own. In reality of course, this isn't true (as I've learnt from years of being on One Space).
I do hope you're okay. What are you doing this evening?
Hi Hazeleyes!
I see you are online and wanted to catch you to say thanks for your post..we went out to our friends' for lunch today and it was nice. The kids had a good time. We watched a certain reality show tonight
It was fun; we have a chill out time with dips and put our feet up. Kids gone to bed now though so bit of me time now...
Yes, I like having friends round and will do so again when I have completed this course and handed these b...assignments in. Hopefully by the end of June. Not long now.
I think you are right about people thinking that I'm coping well. And I think most of the time I do. Just when the low moments hit, I kinda panic a bit as I was really down in the early days; to the point where I couldn't do anything and needed the happy pills (which helped but made me drowsy so I couldn't work on college stuff).
I'm going to bed in a while and hope I can drop off. If not maybe I'll come and see who's hangin' around here ....
Morning Phoenix, wishing you a good day today. Tell us which reality show you watch, is it The Voice?
I think Hazeleyes is right, many of us can feel down or isolated and although it seems like hard work it IS up to us to reach out to our friends...that can be hard when we have an image as the "strong" one. One of the the things that I have found most difficult myself was letting people know I am vulnerable. In the early days I used to imagine myself with a suit of armour on but then I realised everyone else was seeing this too, so it was time to let myself be fallible and open to the emotional journey I needed.
As for a year down the line......woah, you will be amazed
Hi Louise, you're an early bird ! Yes, I'm ok to show my self to close friends...I just think they are right busy...(with 4 kids!!) . I look forward to the passing of time; to healing and moving forward...
Yes, it is The Voice we are following ! Maaann that Aleks Josh was so cute...he reminded me of a Harry Connick Jr. (not as mellow but still..)
We're really enjoying The Voice here.
He was good. So was the girl who sang the Kate Bush song. Full of emotion. (No good with their names, sorry.)
Good morning ThePhoenix. Sorry I missed you last night. Did you manage a good night's sleep? For some reason, yesterday and today, I have woken with a headache. Wouldn't mind if I'd had a few too many vinos hehe! I've not been watching The Voice, well, I did once, and to be honest, wasn't that impressed. (runs for cover from you and Louise).
Hope you have a good day. C has just woken up, and before he starts really yapping, I need a coffee
**gasp**
Haha ! To be honest I started watching it for something that me and kids could do on a non school night and to keep up with the kids' musical foray... Gotta keep up, right ? hehe...
Then I got sucked in cos some of the 'kids' aka contestants are soooo cute 
anyway, some of them are actually vocally great. I absolutely adore jazz n soul; and it's great to see some of them really go back to that genre of music. Plus I have now been able to get my kids interested in jazz and soul too.... win/win yeah !
Slept badly last night Hazeleyes...younger one not feeling well...never mind..have a nice day y'all thanks for chatting
rattled......show down at door
Oh no...
Oh I'm sorry ThePhoenix. You know where we are if you need to let off steam. I do hope you won't let it spoil your day though. Hope your youngest is feeling better. Is it the throat virus that seems to be doing it's rounds at the moment? Take care. xx
Morning Phoenix
Was that the children's dad at the door? Hope you are OK, let us know.
I am watching The Voice too. My favourite was Bo, the lady who sang the Kate Bush song.
Hi folks, thanks for your posts. Much appreciated as always. Yes Louise, it was him. Took children out but couldn't sort himself out about where to take them...forgot previous promise...told him it's crazy he has to take the kids out somewhere every time...escalated to shouts...about splitting the house and ....anyway, took off with the children, tyres screeching...later children came home right upset for various reasons...apparently he'd been moaning baout how bad life is for him with his digs etc etc...so of course that has made the children feel sad...which I think is down right stupid of him....doubt if that will get them all excited about seeing him again...I just sat in front of tv worrying rather than getting my work done.
Younger one is ok but has a childhood illness. Under the care of good paediatrician but is a source of worry. It can be exacerbated by stress. So it's not great time for this little one.
Anyway, must get on with homework, college stuff...will try to get some tv time in too. DOn't know the results for last night's VOice....recorded it as younger one too tired...will find out soon. Hope you guys have a good day....take care every one. CHat later ?
I hope you have a better day ThePhoenix, and able to concentrate on getting your work done. How are the children this morning?
They are ok apart from me schreeching at them for losing their stuff.....I'm struggling with the panic of not getting anything done.....my neighbour opposite has her iLs helping her with her spring clean and cooking and minding the kids...reminds me of what my own parents would be doing if they were here....sad today
I know, it's horrid when we don't get any help. You need to clear a time where you just get your head down and GO for it as far as the studies are concerned.
What are you worrying about, that is distracting you? You need to decide if it is something you can take positive action about. If you can, then do, and if you can't then worrying will get you NOWHERE....put your thoughts away in a box in your head and focus on the important things you are doing right now.
Hope your little one soon feels better.
The screeching is me here too. Even though there's four of them, its a rare event when anyone volunteers to help. Frustrating when there's stuff I can't do now.
Loads of hugs Phoenix.
Morning ThePhoenix, so another Bank Holiday is over and you are through it!
I have been worrying about the assignments I have to get in, but I found that if I am not in the mood, I say to myself, thats fine, I will forget about it for now and consider them this afternoon. They by rather than procrastinating, I find that I forget all about it, then a bit of spare time comes up and then I get stuck in.
How are the children this morning?
Morning ThePhoenix, so another Bank Holiday is over and you are through it!
I have been worrying about the assignments I have to get in, but I found that if I am not in the mood, I say to myself, thats fine, I will forget about it for now and consider them this afternoon. They by rather than procrastinating, I find that I forget all about it, then a bit of spare time comes up and then I get stuck in.
How are the children this morning?
Hi Anna,
Thanks for the post. I know what you mean. Normally, I can remember all the tricks to manage my time well. It's just of late, the whole assignment thing is really swamping me. Coupled with the thoughts of not being a good mum, literally incapacitates me...
I know what I need to do...just need a shoulder to nudge me along I guess.. Anyhow (sigh), I got one of my assignments nearly sorted (yeay!) Off to see the tutor this lunch time for feedback. Wish me luck. Hopefully when I come back, I'll be geared for the others...
Children tired today. Couldn't get up; couldn't drop off last night. Not great. But gotta keep going..they were both down after meeting with him...
Hope your day goes well.
Catch y'all later then...?
Hi Sparkling,
...sigh* ...it just makes me feel even worse, when I've screeched at them....some days, nothing works...I wish I was the non-shouting kind of mom. You know the type I mean...softly spoken, the kids listen and never repeats the same mistakes...she gives lots of cuddles and says exactly the right thing and never EVER gets crossed....God knows I have tried...
You must have a handful with 4...to think I wanted 6 !! Well...at least 4 ..... Chin up, Sparkling and take care...
Ooh I hope you get good feedback.
You have an awful lot going on at the moment The Phoenix, so it is understandable that you reach the end of your tether with your children. However you can learn to be a non-shouting kind of mum.
I think that once this initial period is over, you can pick up some techniques for not yelling! Otherwise you may find your children get older and end up doing more shouting than you - not cool when they are bigger than you!
When does your course finish?
Hi folks, positive vibes from the tutor today for my assignment so I've just got to "...keep on b..-ing on..." (Apparently that's a quote from Churchill himself )....got that from one of the other tutors :) too tired to to do anymore tonight though. Hurt that bad shoulder again...aaarrgh ! One thing after another over here ...bed ; more work tomorrow...
I can't wait for Friday to roll 'round again...but they've gone and changed the time for The Voice, haven't they ?! Sad isn't it, when the only entertainment I get is some reality show 
.....aaahh never mind, good to just oogle that dishy Aleks Josh...Hazeleyes, you're missing outLoL. There's Sir Tom Jones if you like 'em older ....hehe.. sorry in a silly mood now..have to laugh or I'll go mad..
A good laugh always helps, Phoenix
Great that you had positive feedback, that is encouraging. Can you set your eyes on a date when the stress will ease workwise?
realistically speaking...end June or even mid-July... got to try finish before summer hols or it will be madness..
Glad you have your tutor onside! Not tooo long now, lets aim for end of June!
Yes, defintely before the summer hols, Phoenix. So if we say the end of June then I think it might help to Make A Plan. My last few months of my counsellor qualification were sooooo stressful and busy and one thing that really helped was to block out bits of time for specific bits if work. Now I know it does not always work out like that, especially with children around but if you can concentrate your jobs on OTHER days and clear the decks as much as possible then that could be a really good technique
I'll give that a go, Louise. Thank you. Need to be 'selfish' with my time in a way...if you know what I mean. It'll help if the kids don't get any homework that parents have to do ...we seem to spend quite abit of time on them.
Come the end of SATs though, at least I have one less to worry about...
Take care Louise. How's the rest of the gang, I wonder...
...........still ploughing on over here.......how's everyone ?? Long time. Last practical assignment coming up Thursday. Exam tomorrow; another one after half term.Pass or Fail; at least I'll know.Think it will be the latter. Can't do anymore than what I'm doing now..
Last 2 days he's been hassling me for some more of his stuff. Lost entire morning getting them for him just to stop him nagging me. THis is for stuff that he wants now eventhough he is not using them this week. Tried to ask him to wait but nagging emails.
Need to know how to change email address or something...can't take any more of his mails. What does anyone do in situations like this? I still need to be in contact with him for practical arrangement purposes.
When this course is finished; I am going to remove every single one of his belonging from the house.
Mean while he is p....me off so much. I can't bear to see him; he looks even worse than ever in all the years I have known him. All from the alcohol consumption and the gorging he is well known for. How can I feel this way about the same person whom I was married to ? My head is exploding from so many unanswered questions and so many broken dreams. I can't get over the fact that we had so much but it wasn't enough for him. I hurt from the sheer waste of it all; and to top it all up, he blames ME. He drank and lied but now he accuses me of denial. I want to stop feeling this pain from the false accusations he is throwing at me.
It must be the same road that I am travelling on again..it seems never ending..I know I'm not travelling alone...Hope you all are in better place.
you can set everyone up as a group with the exception of him and then send them all an email with your new address - getting a new email address is relatively easy - if you are not sure if you tell me which email provider you are with i could let you know how to go about it but most are as easy as clicking on sign up for email and you register - hope this helps
Thank you little redhen. I'm with gmail.
Hello Phoenix
Yes get a new email address and then send him an email from your old one saying "From now on, I will only be checking this email inbox on Thursdays (or whatever day you choose) at noon( or other time) If you want any more of your stuff from the house you must have collected it by date X otherwise I will be having clear out. Please sort out a storage facility by then" AND THEN YOU MUST RESIST LOOKING AT ANY EMAILS FROM HIM UNTIL THE NOMINATED DAY. Of course you will have to continue looking at the account for a while as there night be college things coming through etc till everyone has your new address
I know that he is pressing your buttons, Phoenix, and trying to hook you into feeling guilty/responsible for his drinking. It is, unfortunately, one of the ploys of someone with an addiction to blame others. It is also normal for people who are, or who have been, the partner of these people to have developed a way of coping that involves excessive caring (almost another addiction in itself!) that is very hard to un-learn, and this is where you are at right now. It really is about focusing on your own needs and those of the children from now on.
Hello everyone! Assignments all in ! Can't believe I have done it. Now only interview to do by September (ViVa like thing). Hopefully I will get through that too. It's been crazy. Have only been sleeping for a few hours every night for the last 2 months. Feel exhausted.
But the holidays are here and I'm feeling optimistic that the weather will be ok and we will find the time to recuperate, to gather strength to file for divorce.
Hope you all been holding up well under the circumstances that you are all in..
Am sure the interview will go fine, ThePhoenix. I'm not surprised you're exhausted, it takes a lot of energy to parent & study simultaneously.
Have a well deserved rest & get your breath back - once full energy levels are restored, I'm sure you'll have all the strength you need.
Yes, ...and the weather is going to be good this week. Yipee! Thanks so much for all the support you all have given me. It's been a life line to be able to share my burden.
Away this week to see friends and be at the seaside...take care everyone. Will come back with a tan and tell you all.
ooh have fun, The Phoenix
Have a lovely time
Looking forward to hearing all about your holiday, you deserve it after all that studying
Back from a week of sunshine and tan. Lovely to be away and have the kids playing in the sun for a change. COuldn't quite get used to the idea of not having to worry about getting the dreaded assignments done.
Hope you all had a lovely week too. What's everyone been up to.?
Now to sort out the legal aid for getting the divorce rolling. Scared. Not heard from the Counselling people even though GP has referred me. Could do with someone to talk to. He keeps talking about splitting our assets and liabilities (eventhough he alone has dragged us into monumental debts.) Can't get over the pain. And he can't understand my 'anger'..lol. Why am I expected to be 'civil' to him when he has done this to the children and me?
Hey there ThePhoenix, welcome home! What a fantastic week to pick to have a holiday, such fantastic weather!
I am wondering whether you can contact your GP to find out where abouts you are on the waiting list for counselling?
Hopefully after a week away you are feeling refreshed and ready to face the upcoming divorce proceedings. Yes it will be scary, but it is what it is and it needs to be done, remember to take one day at a time. Worrying about it won't make the end result any different.
The children need you in good form over these holidays, so be kind to yourself and don't get bogged down with it all. Do you have any other fun things planned over the next 5 weeks?
Hi Anna, thanks for the reminder. The kids do need me to be myself again; so I have been resting as much as poss tho my body clock seems to have gone haywired with the 2/3 a.m bedtime when I was doing those assignments. I'm sure I'll get it back on track.
I've also contacted the Counsellors as you suggested to see where I am on the waiting list. Good idea that, as I really need to talk to someone. THis time last year I had all my family around me...now it's just me and the children. Alright at the mo but I'm dreading it when all our friends disappear for their summer hols towards the middle of Aug...
Plans for the next weeks are seeing a couple of friends and go down to London for a visit or two. Nothing concrete but hoping the sun comes out so we can get out to the woods and go swimming. Anything is do-able on sunny days.
.....it's the Bank Holiday weekend....he leaves it till this minute to ask to see the children !!!!! Said there's no point in planning anything because I might say no to him meeting up with the kids....(as I had done when he wanted to take them on a 6-hour journey for a day trip!)...For this w/end I have already left it till yesterday to arrange a play date for the children and accept an invitation for lunch ....I want to rant and rave....and scream...but managed to keep it short and told him to let me know his plan for Monday (only day left) and I will speak with the children... I also explained to him that if I cancel now it wouldn't be fair on the kids and their friends........He said he was "....very busy...." Aaaaaaaarrrghh !
I so need my folks here....so thank you all for holding me up..cos all I'm doing is trying not to go insane from it all..