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I wish I had the answer to the snappiness, as I do it too. We do take it out on those we love, and they aren't the ones who deserve it. That's a good idea Louise to record ourselves. I know the minute something is out of my mouth, I shouldn't have said it, which is why I do apologise to C every couple of weeks!!
Your job is incredibly stressful Pinkgrapefruit, and that's without the trouble with the children you're teaching.I would be doing the same thing in your situation, which isn't any help to you whatsoever, sorry.
Thinking of you.x
Hugs from me as well.
I know for a while I went through life angry - it was after I found out about the Texan, and how involved the children had become - and work colleagues were telling me I was always angry.
It was as if I had forgotten how not to be - as I wasn't aware I was doing it. I was very careful how I spoke after that, and asked if I was 'sounding' calmer - and was told I was. I didn't feel calmer, but changed the level of my voice.
I'm sure your son, parents and boyfriend understand the pressure you're under. Hope they're giving a load of hugs - actual hugs are far better!
Hi pinkgrapefruit
If it is any help, I am exactly the same when it comes to stress, my most nearest and dearest bear the brunt of it, rather than the people that probably should! Although unfortunately in your case, you can't let rip on students!
To be honest though this really sounds as though this is getting too much. I know that nearly all your time is being taken up with other things, but have you ever considered counselling? I wonder if there is something else going on underneath all of this, that is being enhanced by the behaviour of the students?
I just keep getting the feeling that the students or your boss are not listening to you and it is soo important to feel heard.
It is great to see that your boyfriend is still around and being supportive and your son is cool too, however there is still something else that you need to get you through this phase. Do you have any suggestions?
Yes pinkgrapefruit I do this and am sure loads of others do too! Its normal to do it to the people closest to you, and is all to do with stress..cut yourself some slack, youre not wonder woman and noone should expect you to be!
Cant imagine what it must be like to try and teach and get all that grief...well I can a bit as used to work with autistic teens but not a classroom full! (and i have a 15yr old so know what their attitude is like).
You are obviously a very good teacher or you wouldnt even be worrying yourself..I really think youre boss needs to support you more, and it says more about him and the school than your teaching ability. Dont know much about teaching but I know that as in any job that help should be given especially as you are in your first year.
Sending hugs,
S x
hi - thanks for all the comments. totally shattered tonight but its friday thank goodness! Anna - i would love to have some counselling but have looked into it and its just not feasible. I did have a couple of sessions when my ex first left but it was too expensive. More recently, a few months ago, Louise sent me some addresses of places that offfered low cost counselling but the locations mean that the journey there and back will take too long to make it viable after working full time - wouldn't be workable from a childcare point of view.
sparklinglime - i know what you mean about the anger - sometimes i realise that my face has been fixed in a grumpy expression all week and i've lost my sense of humour, i take everything very seriously, its something i really need to change as thats not how i am - at least i never used to be!
Hi pink grapefruit
I know we had some chats about counselling some time ago. Another option is telephone counselling but I must admit I do not know of any low cost places offhand, I will have a root around.
I wonder if this "being serious" thing would be a good place to start, and that is something your boyfriend could help with. Maybe you could invent a code word or phrase between you and when he thinks you are getting serious/cross/bogged down, he says that to you. That means that he does not have to go into a big rigmarole and explain it, he just says the code. Make it something silly rather than critical, eg "cheer up" would not be a good one, whereas "Inky-pinky-ponky" would be!!! I bet he would love to help you. Your own part in it is not to get cross when he says it, take a deep breath and try to pull yourself round. Notice how you feel. It is a good idea to keep a journal about how you are feeling and what triggers it...then you will start to a pattern....and the next step is to look at breaking the pattern.
Hope that helps 
Have a good weekend with your son.
The friends who had the courage to tell my I was going through life angry were the ones who I was able to ask how I was reacting to things, and who would encourage me.
I hope you have a brilliant weekend.
Sorry I come into this topic late...but I'm an older mum with an 8 year old (I'm subject to mood changes)...my job can be stressful but juggling work...child...school....housework.... and everyday life does have an impact..... when I get OTT my daughter refers to me has a snappy crocodile .... being made aware of this was my step in the right direction and I started being more kind to myself ...stopped trying to superwoman..I realised that I was grumpy ...not much fun... very short fuse....and then I realised that nothing is more important than my child/family and in your case boyfriend ... be kind to yourself ...work is a means to provide a living...IF it has a negative impact on that...then re think...and remember you can change anything you want...if teaching has a negative effect on you...then resolve to make the change ...but by tiny steps so that you can handle them....
Hi Pinkgrapefruit. Wishing you a good week at school. Hope you've had a good weekend with your son, and maybe boyfriend (if you saw him). Stay strong, thinking of you. xx
hi, lovely weekend thanks, went far too quickly tho. Was pretty grumpy last night / this morning - more the thought of the new week rather than anything specific. feeling better now i'm stuck in tho and half term is just about in sight. love the idea of a code word between boyfriend and me when the grumpiness starts, need to chat to him about that when I'm feeling totally ungrumpy!!
hope you've all had good days x
Not long now.... xxx
and counting.......
Hope it goes well for you. Do you have any plans for the half term? x
oh dear. its all falling to pieces. really can't think straight. felt really down all weekend and ended up upsetting boyfriend, we then had a horrible evening last night whilst we analysed it all. This morning I felt awful and didn't have the energy for school so i finally went to see my gp. he was so lovely I could have hugged him and of course i cried and cried. he reassured me that it wasn't a surprise that my body has finally given up, what with having to cope and handle everything that I have had thrown at me for the past few years. he thinks I am a classic case and promised me that i can recover. However now I'm home I'm down again as nothing is going to happen quickly. He has referred me for counseling but of course there is a waiting list so goodness knows who long that will take to happen. I'm to go back to see my gp in a month and discuss then if we think i need tablets, I'm wondering if I should have accepted them today rather than saying i wanted to try counselling first. i want to feel normal as quickly as possible. i'm so scared i'm losing my boyfriend then it will be worse than ever. how could i introduce a new man into my son's life and run that massive risk of him disappearing and me and my son having to live with the consequences again.
not sure how i'm going to cope at work tomorrow, not sure how i'm going to cope next time i see my boyfriend as all i want to do is cry and cry and beg him to say he'll always be there - which if course he won't say as he is honest enough to know that he can't. i know by acting like this i'm pushing him away but something is making me feel so down its terrible. before i met boyfriend i was lonely but in control of everything, now i feel totally out of control and that i'm always reliant on him for happiness, approval, everything. i've stopped planning all the stuf i used to do just with son as I don;t want to miss out on doing stuff with boyfriend but then i get upset when he plans stuff without me. its really diffucult dealing with our different parenting styles. I really can't see how any blended family can ever work.
Firstly, do not despair! Secondly do not beg that of your boyfriend, that is an unfair thing to ask him. Just tell him calmly that you are going to get help, from the GP and the counsellor and ask him to bear with you while you go through the treatment. It will not happen quickly. If you broke your leg then you would not be running a marathon the following week. You would need to heal and then slowly but surely build up your strength and that is what you need to do now.
You sound absolutely exhausted, poor you. You have taken the hardest step of all, in reaching out for help. One day at a time and I know you like to plan and be in control, but this is one time in your life when you need to just go with the flow. Could you be off for the next few days, and then there is half term and you might have had a chance to have a bit of a rest and gather your thoughts?
Hi pinkgrapefruit. Wish you I could give you a big hug. You poor thing, but at last you've got things moving, regarding the counselling. If the GP offered the tablets, then perhaps you should think again, rather than waiting. Like you say, there's an awful long waiting list, so I would be inclined to start the medication, then you know sooner rather than later, you'll begin to feel like yourself. As for the boyfriend, he's been extremely supportive hasn't he? Can you give yourself a break from him for a while, so you can do fun things with your son. I know it's hard, as bf has own family, but a bit of breathing space might work.
Sending loads of hugs your way.
Love is a very emotion - having been through it with friend who is now pushing it! I don't think it matters if we're 14 or 50, it still has the same effect.
I have never had anti-d's. I did ask though, and with hindsight feel I should have had them.
Thinking of you loads.
Hi everyone, hope you're all enjoying half term. I'm managing to relax a bit altho I must admit I do get a bit down when I have time to think.....mainly dreading Monday's return to school already which I now is ridiculous. Had a call from the counselling service offering me an appointment in the middle of the day - I just can't do that regularly so need to wait til they have a free school friendly appointment, hope its not too long. my gp said it wasn't unreasonable to request an app after 3.30pm so thats what I've done. So today's dilemma.....I was waiting to see how the remainder of this year went but at the back of my mind was hoping it would get easier and was planning to stay at the same school for next year as I'm assured by everyone then I'll really see a change for the better then. However, my dream job (I think!) has just been advertised....should I go for it?? On the plus side its a great school, my son could go there too, kids are younger.....On the downside, what if the grass isn't greener? Its not so convenient for home and is it right to force a change on my son when he's quite settled where he is.... any thoughts?? need to decide pretty quickly as the closing date for applications is Monday.....
Personally, if its your dream job, I'd go for it.
This is from someone who didn't follow a dream and does sort of regret it.
xxx
Hi pinkgrapefruit. I would say follow your dream. Your son is still young, so will settle in a new school, and if you'd be working in the same school, then even better for him perhaps. Younger children do have more respect too, so if this is really what you want, I would definately say go for it. You've been so unhappy in the school where you are now, I don't think it could get any worse. Good luck with the application. Thinking of you. xx
I would encourage you to go for it, whether your son moves there as well, or not.
As for "what if the grass isn't greener?"........well it could hardly be any LESS green, with all you have been through!!
Hi pinkgrapefruit
You are having a rough time of it, hopefully the counselling will come up shortly. I agree with Louise, go for that job, there's no harm in applying for it. 
Step families are a mine field, however important your boyfriend is to you, you and your son and your life together comes first in my opinion. Your boyfriend is an added bonus. it sounds as though you are laying a lot of responsibility for your happiness on your boyfriend, which is unfair on him and I don't want to sound harsh, but not attractive. Imagine it the other way round.
When you met your new partner you were in a good place, in control of your life, moving with college and knowing which direction you wanted to go in.
However teaching is taking its toll on you at the moment and although partners shouldn't run a mile at the first sign of trouble, he has a lot of responsibility and baggage to handle too.
Boyfriends should be seen as a bonus, not a necessity. Maybe it is time to take a step back and focus on you, your career and which way you want it to go and your son. You do have the power within you to create whatever you want.
How about you making Saturdays 'your family time', so regardless of whatever is going on in the world, Saturday your son is going to get the best of you, he is not going to have to share you and you will keep your special bond?
Have you done any family activities this half term, just you and your boy?
great advice as ever everyone, thanks. The downside of going for the new job is that the way teaching jobs works is that it is a very public procedure. I'd have to give my current boss's details for a reference before i even know if I'm selected for interview. if I am invited for interview i'd have to tell school where i was going. I have seen my current school be incredibly supportive when people move on after they have been there for a few years and are ready for a new challenge but i'm not sure they would be quite so accepting if i was seen planning to leave already. of course if I wasn't successful then i'd have to remain there but maybe they wouldn't be so friendly, feeling that i was looking for an opportunity to go.
As for the counselling / gp stuff, yes I wish i could get started with that, altho i don't want it to seem like another thing that i need to squeeze into my already busy weeks and more of a burden then something helpful. Am thinking of going back to the doctors soon for those tablets - is there any disadvantage in doing that do you think?
Going away tomorrow just with son so that will be good. hoping to stay in a calm mood and not get to stressed or down as it won't be fair on him but feel pretty out of control at the moment.
I hope you have a lovely time with your son.
Perhaps a for and against list... I can see where your coming from in this post too though.
xx
I would actually still go for it, even with the risk of them not being so friendly. I think they should have been more supportive from day one. Go back to the Drs too, I can't see any disadvantage in that at all. I do think that the tablets will help you Pinkgrapefruit. Have a wonderful few days away with your son. You both deserve some time just being together. Am sure it will be great, being away from home etc. Have fun!! xx
Hi pinkgrapefruit. Have been thinking of you, and wondering how things are. Did you apply for the job? Did you see the GP with regard to the tablets? How is your son doing, and what about you? Easter hols are fast approaching. C finishes on Friday, do hope thats the same for you. Take care, hope you post soon. xx
Hi hazeleyes, thanks for thinking of me, sorry not been on here for ages, was trying a bit of burying my head in the sand rather than dwelling on my problems to see how that made me feel..
In the end I decided not to apply for the job, I eventually realised that I have experienced lots of major changes in the past few years and what I actually crave is a few years of stability and a new job wouldn't have given me that. My current job is getting much easier than it was in Sept just as I know the kids better and know the systems. I'm sure I made the right decision for me at the moment.
I've now started counselling sessions through the GPs referral - its very good and feels great to talk. got lots to go through tho as I realise I've hidden a lot of my emotions and then they come out in the wrong situations / wrong people as i bottle them up and have never addressed the anger i feel towards my ex-husband. Not on tablets, just hoping the counselling is enough, day to day i feel much better at the moment.
Son is great. I'm shattered this week, we don't finish school until Friday but not sure how i'll find the energy to reach it, got loads of marking to do before then too :( planning some nice stuff with my son for the hols so can't wait. How is C? and how is your maths?? hope everything is going well.
Things are pretty tough with the bf at the moment - we seem to have got bogged down with a couple of issues, i want to get back on track but not sure whether he does. Its made me very anxious but also am focussing more on my son.
Look forward to hearing everyones news, will have a quick look round the other boards now I'm back!
take care
pink g
Hi pinkgrapefruit. It's lovely to 'see' and hear from you. The way that you've put it regarding the job, does sound as if you've made the right decision. I'm SO pleased that things are getting better with the teaching. Counselling unleashes lots of feelings that we've buried doesn't it, which of course is good in the long run. I do hope things work out with the BF, fingers crossed for you on that one too. Am sure your son is getting excited about the Easter hols. Only a few more days to go for you, and then only a matter of weeks really before the Summer hols!!
C is great thankyou. He finished school last Friday, and already I'm shattered, not from doing much, but just listening to him constantly chatting! The Math is going ok too. We had a dummy run for the level 1, and delighted to report to you, I passed. The real one is in May I think. I don't find it easy whatsoever, but I'm still with it!!!
Hope you have a good week, take care. xx
I'm so glad you're happy with the decisions you've made regarding work. There is a lot to be said for stability.
I'm sorry things aren't so good with the b/f. Perhaps the holidays will give you time to see how things are...
I'm glad the counselling is going well
The break up here on Friday too.
I'm sure you're looking forward to having some time to enjoy your son without marking being there somewhere...
Hi pink grapefruit
I am glad to hear that things are improving and that work is better, though it still sounds hectic. I know that counselling is something that you have wanted to do for a while so that is great that it is working out for you. Maybe you could say to bf that a lot of things are coming out in the counselling and ask him to bear with you for a while (too many discussions of issues otherwise, could be too much)
Hope you have a lovely holiday with your son
Just been dumped by bf today - he called me when I finished school to say he doesn't want the relationship to carry on. Gutted and worried about what long term effect thats going to have on son. Its a single life now for me ladies! Will probably post more later.
Awww, I am so sorry.
Your son will be ok - he has you...
I find the single life far less complicated.
Loads of hugs. And once again, I'm sorry.
xxxx
pretty upset now i've had a bit of time to think. he says he doesn't trust me with other men and also he thinks i'm getting too comfortable with him (he actually used the example that I hadn't washed my hair the other morning and he thinks that means i take him for granted - for me its just that i don't wash my hair everyday and i felt close enough to him to let him see the natural me - obviously i must have looked a bit scary!) Am I wrong or isn't one part of a long term relationship and intimacy being that sometimes, just occasionally, you might have a lazy day together, get up late and lolling round the house in a t shirt and hair in a ponytail?? does everyone do that or am i more of a slob than i thought? he said it was the equivalent of him turning up one day in oily jeans....
also the trust thing - i have never, in my entire life, had any kind of affair or abused any trust in a relationship. how can i prove i'm being faithful? its pretty hard to prove as there is no evidence of anything! i just its so unjust and he has destroyed a really good relationship. I don't ever expect to hear from him again - he was so final and formal, even wished me 'all the best for the future' - how can someone who up to lunchtime was telling me how much they cared about me suddenly be so cold??
pink g
How strange. I know you said that things had been a bit difficult lately but this has clearly come as a shock to you.
If the relationship had gone on to be very long term and you had lived together then of course he would have seen you with unwashed hair or in tracky bottoms. I don't advocate NEVER making an effort but there is a time and a place. I have a dear friend who has an all-in-one sleepsuit and her barometer of if a guy is going to be a serious relationship is if she will allow him to see her in her "onesy" and he doesn't mind 
As for the question of fidelity, that sounds like it is his stuff. Maybe you have spent less time with him lately, for reasons of son, job, counselling etc and he has trust issues. I do agree that there is something more behind this, but you may never know what it is, unfortunately.
Your son will be fine, by the way, as long as you keep the same loving relationship with him that you have always had . We are all here for you as well.
Hi pinkgrapefruit
I am really sorry to hear your news xxx
Just remember if someone loves you then they love all of you, good bits, bad bits and even scary hairy bits!!!!!!!!
Your son will be fine
Thinking of you and sending you a big hug xxx
Hi pinkgrapefruit. Sending you big hugs. I'm so sorry to hear about you and BF. I agree with Louise, I think he's the one with the issues of trust. You haven't done anything, he has no prove of anything, so perhaps he was just using this as an excuse (shame on him). I think relationships are about warts and all, you've been with him a while, so I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to see you in trackies, no make up, unwashed hair, or whatever else. Again, it was a silly thing to say I think. You will be fine pinkgrapefruit, you are so strong, and your son will be ok too. I do hope you won't let this damper your Easter hols. Take lots of care, look forward not back!!
xxx
feeling rubbish today. very tearful. told my boss I'd been dumped this morning as it was all i could think about - poor bloke I'm sure he doesn't expect me to confide in him quite so much, he was great tho. Then i had to find my brave face for a full day of teaching but after my final lesson I broke down again to another female teacher - she was so kind and thats always what sets me off. Just feel so betrayed and mixed up. I really loved my boyfriend, I know it was only 10 months I've been seeing him but it took a great leap of faith for me to trust him and let him into my life that it feels terrible now he's gone just so suddenly. i hate the thought of being back to my boring and lonely life, just me and my son, we've both loved being part of a bigger unit and having big days out and holidays all together. Just don't feel ready to give all that up. So upset that he has such a low opinion of me, I'd have done anything for him but he just thought I was untrustworthy and took advantage of him :( I know I won't hear from him again - he was so final and formal in his phone call and once he makes a decision I know he sticks to it. Can't believe we were so close then it just all comes crashing down like that. Haven't faced telling son yet, waiting until I can speak without crying. Why does everyman I love leave? its just what happened with my ex husband, I thought everything was fine, I was happy, then he went. Its bringing all those crap feelings back. i want to turn back the clock just one week - i was so happy last week, whats gone wrong? x
Hi pinkgrapefruit, I`m really sorry you are feeling so sad, from what you have posted you have done nothing wrong at all, did he give you a reason at all? xxx
Can you talk to him about how you feel, do you feel you would like to have that opportunity xxx
Please don't be so down on yourself. I'm actually feeling very angry at what he's said to you, pink grapefruit.
I can well imagine how devastated you're feeling, but as you have said, he has had no reason to say what he has to you.
I'm glad your colleagues are being supportive.
Your life is very different now though. Even if he's not part of it, you now have colleagues at the school too, and a job you're starting to enjoy. Your son is getting older too - so much more fun to be had as they grow up.
Loads and loads of hugs.
Seriously though. Read back over your last couple of posts, and if I had typed that, what would you think?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ah sparkling, you have hit the nail on the head, that is a really good technique, to pretend these things were said by a close friend and what would you say to them?
Obviously I can't comment on the rights and wrongs as I do not know this chap but he does sound as if he has some trust issues (which are neither your fault or your responsibility) Do talk with your counsellor about it all; it may be that you can draw some parallels with this man and your son's dad and that will help you go forward.
You will be sad for a while, it is very hard to pick yourself up after such a blow. I am glad you have waited to tell your son; sometimes children can think it is "their fault" that a separation has occurred. I remember my eldest asking me once, after a devastating break-up that happened to me:"Is it because we are naughty boys that he didn't want us?".... so I learned from that, bigstyle.
Your life is busy and active and there is no reason why it can't stay that way, even if you are single again. I know you have felt exhausted at times, with all the demands placed on you; well now I do hope you will use the holidays to have a bit of a rest and recharge your batteries.
10 months is a long time to spend with someone, to give them your heart etc, so you've every right to feel as you do pinkgrapefruit. Of course you're going to break down too. Like Sparkling, I also feel angry at the way he has treated you. No way are you going back to a boring and lonely life either. You have moved on so much over the months, and achieved a great deal. You've been brilliant at sticking to something that has dragged you down physically and mentally since September, so if you can get through that, then of course you can get through this. I'm sure your son will be upset too, but like everything else in your life, you will also deal with that. You'll simply carry on having fun with your son, taking him on days out and trips. We're all here for you, and I know you have great friends too to support you through this. Take care. xx
still feeling terrible. when i tell people and describe what happened they, perhaps quite rightly, say i'm better off without him and that its him that has the issues. however that doesn't stop the pain - i want the man i knew, or think i knew, to re-appear but i have to realise thats not going to happen. its terribly hard. and today, with crap timing, i received a wedding invitation through the post addressed to the two of us, rubbish. female teacher at work seems to be on a mission to look after me over the holidays - telling me shes taking me on days out etc, really kind but i just want to hibernate, not feel like a charity project!
brought loads of marking home tonight in an effort not to think of him but its still sitting in my bag whilst i get miserable i can't think of anything else. have to admit i've just tried to call him, i have heard nothing since the dreaded call when he dumped me, thought we might just be able to talk about how we both felt 48 hours on - went onto his answer phone tho so i guess he's avoiding my calls, i didn't leave a message. was so hard tho just hearing his voice on the message. do you think i should try not to call at all or do you think i should try for one conversation another time? i know i should probably try to keep some dignity and not call but what if hes waiting to see if i'm missing him - or is that a ridiculous theory of a sad woman that not thinking straight right now?
xx
Awwwh I really feel for you, how about you write a letter about how you feel, even if you dont actually send it to him, it might just help for you to get it down on paper.
xxx
I feel only you know how to deal with this.
I think the teacher on a mission is being brilliant. Even if you have a couple of days it out, it will make you go out.
I've done the hibernating - although it was over wonky legs and the things that went on to lead me to our home. It doesn't sort of help really, being sad.
The biggest kick in the teeth you can give someone, I believe, is showing that you are doing fine without them, and getting on with and enjoying the life you have with your son.
Read that post pinkgrapefruit. I'm sorry to refer back to it, but what he said to you is, in my view, so mean. You and your son deserve happiness with someone you can relax with without worrying about whether or not you have mascarra on.
Loads of hugs. And loads of strength.
xxx
I've been there, and texted someone just in the hope that they are missing me, so..... In fact I haven't done it the once, I've done it several times, and I've learnt that this particular person loved the chase. It's only recent pinkgrapefruit, a guy I was ingaged to years ago, and kept in contact. He was abusive toward me, don't know why I'm still drawn to him, but I am. Anyhow, I have not answered his texts, calls etc, and it's hard. When I'm feeling down, I would call or text him, but I have deleted his number so I'm not tempted. If I can do this after years, I know you can do it, because you are stronger than me pinkgrapefruit. xx
I am sorry to hear how down you are feeling about all this. People do mean well when they say you are better off without him but I know it does not always help when you are feeling emotional pain.
My own suggestion would be NOT to contact him, but then that is easy for me to say as I am outside the situation.
Take good care
Hi pinkgrapefruit. How are you doing? Your holidays have just begun, so I do hope you manage to enjoy it with your son. Hopefully the weather will improve a bit too. Take lots of care, and get lots of rest too to re-charge your batteries. Loads of hugs for you. xx
Pinkgrapefruit, I think you are giving yourself a tough time. When a relationship ends, it isn't just the relationship that ends, it is all the dreams and hopes that go with it too. The hope that one day possibly you will settle down and live happily ever after.
You are grieving the end of a relationship and part of that natural process is finding it difficult to accept that the relationship is over. Denial is a very normal part of grief. I'm sure there is a theory of the stages of grief and mourning but I have no idea who thought of it.
Part of wanting to contact him is normal, it's just part of the cycle.
I will have to have a think about this one, pink grapefruit, as to what might help.
In the meantime, if it is any consolation, there is a saying that goes "Home is where we are treated the best and behave the worst" Certainly many people find that they are polite to those who don't matter and less polite to their loved ones.
I will get back to you with some suggestions when I have had a think. For the moment the things that come to mind are: think about the "standards" you might be setting for your loved ones, are you expecting them to be paragons with no snappiness of their own? and secondly something REALLY challenging that I did, I recorded myself, and then listened back to my tone of voice that I had used to my teenager. He had moaned at me and said "The minute I get through the door each day you are nagging me"- and he was right. I was so shocked at how hectoring I was that it made me change! Sometimes our tone of voice can make a heck of a difference.....but don't be too hard on yourself, you have a lot to cope with and maybe just counting to ten sometimes, or walking away will help. It might be good to think of an alternative stress releaser (such as exercise or even a good scream- warn people first, lol) so that the stress doesn't bounce onto your loved ones.
Will post more if I can help more, hopefully others will have suggestions too