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So I'm trying to do the confident parenting thing on here and it tells me to go to the forum to discuss my problems. Hm.
Here goes:
No3 son is very unhappy, doesn't know why or at least won't tell me. He was kicking doors again. He tried to get out of going to school today yesterday, but I said he had to. The problem is that I am so scared of putting down the law more or even to talk to him about his behaviour. When he's good I don't want to spoil it by starting on it and when he's bad I am afraid of what he will do to the house or even me. Generally I am afraid that he will just up and leave and totally ruin his life.
I am going to talk to No1 son again to get him to have a chat with No3 son, that usually seems to help a little. But I need to find a way of a) not being scared of him and b) being confident that he will love me even if I do/say stuff he doesn't like. How????
I think half the problem is that I don't have my husband here to help or even talk things over. Really really miss him!
Yes, I totally understand that. Getting your eldest to have a chat has worked in the past, so that sounds a good idea.Teenagers tell us that they hate us sometimes but they rarely do. We have to counter that by telling them that we love them and keeping on praising them. That's not to say that we just have to accept the foul things they might say, and at the end of the day they need to show some level of respect. Letting him know you are scared of him is probably not a good idea, you need to retain a level of authority.It's definitely all about holding your nerve.
Well, I'm running out! :-(
Hi hopeful i would have to agree with Louise, in that letting things slide with your son because you are afraid of him kicking off or upsetting him is not doing him any favours.
Children need boundaries, and though they fight against them they actually really need them to help them feel secure and loved. If you can't tackle him on his own could you not have your elder son or make it a family meeting where you discuss boundaries/rules and expectations and what the consequences are for breaching any rules that you make.
Do you think that this could work for you?
He will feel everyone is ganging up on him and walk out. :-(
I know that I should stand my ground better, but I am really fast running out of strength now. Too much else is going on at the same time and I just can't do everything all the time.
We just talked about the stricter parenting thing and he said his mate's dad has suddenly changed track from laissez-faire to strict and it's not working at all for anyone. I'm trying to find the right balance but it's so hard.
Maybe I'm just having a bad week...
Well it could be that.
Whilst I would never encourage anyone to think of their child as their opponent (!) think about how boxers look at each other at the weigh-in before a match. I imagine that at least one, if not both, are terrified but they aim to look like pretty tough cookies. I can't tell you where to find extra strength from, we just sort of DO find it, I believe. It's hard parenting on our own because there is no-one to lean on. But in truth at least we can make the choice ourselves if there is only us. I guess one way to look at it is to say well if I think I have run out of strength, what are the implications of that for my son? and maybe that will be the encouragement you need.
Hi Louise
I've lived this awful situation too. Went through it from age 12 to 16 and felt I was losing my life as well as my daughter. I can honestly say with the right support it can turn around. My daughter is now 18 and despite being a high school dropout just gained an A in psychology so don't give up.
The school should have an external support network. They get the kids out of school and allow them to train in a job a day. It's a chance to see life, you know they are going to rebel and so do the workers so don't feel down when it goes wrong. It's all a process they have to go through.
Also at this age they can't express why or who they are angry at they are just angry. It wasn't until my daughter did self preception and had to write about her life it all came out. She was worried about writing about me but I told her it' how she feels and that's ok so she went with it. To be honest it wasn't as bad as it could have been but it's been such a huge step for us.
Don't give up... there is sanity further on but basically you have to call everyone and bug the hell out of social services, local council, police etc to get to a good point and get that help you as a mum/dad deserve. Good luck xxx
Hi Hopeful. Hope today is a better day for you. You've been here before so I'm sure you'll work things out again. A good idea for son no 1 to have a chat with son no3 too. Like you said, it worked before, so fingers crossed. You've got so much on your plate, with work, exams, plus running the house, I'm not surprised you feel worn down with it all. As Louise says, don't show your son that you're scared of him, this will make things a lot worse I think. Good luck with everything. Sending you positive hugs. xxx
Thanks Hazeleyes! :-) He's at the moment turning the shed into a den with a mate (the 'bad one' has gone away for a week, hurrah!)
Flubber, what did you do with your daughter? The school thing is not going to happen with my son as he got kicked out in October and now goes to an 'Alternative Curriculum Unit'. I think girls talk more anyway. But thanks for the support! :-)
Hopefully you'll have a nice clean shed then Hopeful 
I am not sure I'll be allowed in the shed ever again! 
Sorry, rant / pity alert!
Feeling really sorry for myself. :-(
No3 son is demanding money money money - the lads apparently want to go to the next town to get stuff for 'the shed'. I've said what about the jobs I've already paid you for and you haven't done yet, and he says he'll do them soon (hahaha) and everyone else can just ask their mums for money and he never goes out (what????). It feels he is just so selfish and self centred and never takes others (at least not the family) into consideration for anything, it's just him him him.
Then, of course, I give in because a) I don't always want to be the bad one and nag all the time (I hate that) and b) it just all gets on my nerves and I want it to go away, and c) I am so scared to lose him completely - that he'll just run off or something.
Then, again of course, I feel guilty because a) I am not setting boundaries, b) the others who are more compliant and sensible miss out and it's unfair to them, c) I know exactly it's going to happen again and I'll be a pushover again, and d) I know I could do better and maybe I don't care enough to.
Now I feel sorry for myself because I am on my own in this, and not by choice - I really really miss my husband and I am thinking at least I could have someone to back me up or to share all this with and that would already make it easier.
What I need is someone to tell me it's going to be alright, and who totally understands and can show me some light at the end of the tunnel. :-(
Sorry people, am having a real down moment.
Thanks for the support!
He doesn't want loads (he wanted a tenner to go on the train into town with his mates) and he did get it. It's ok once in a while, but not every weekend/day of the holiday, etc. The other two don't ask half as much.
He still owes me jobs from the last time! Which he'll apparently do 'soon'.
What is keeping me from putting my foot down more is literally the fear of total rejection, I am quite aware of this. Just don't know how to get over it at the moment. :-(
Am not sorry for myself now (snapped out of it), but still at a loss how to change my own bad habits. :-)
Well I would like to bet that one or two of his friends DO just get money from their parents. I have seen some of my son's friends' parents give them money just to get rid of them 
It is great that you are thinking about the way things work between the two of you. One thing I want to say to you is that while I totally empathise with your fear of rejection, we do not have to be friends to our teens, we are their parents. I can also say to you that teens love boundaries, even while they are telling you that you are pants! So it's all about you making up your mind what boundaries you want to set and sticking to them. Now I don't think that means the boundaries have to be too restrictive, but they have to hold firm.
Next let's think about this "supposed to do jobs and hasn't done them" I imagine you will be expecting me to say Right,Hopeful, make him do them.....but I think this just ups the stakes and becomes a battle royal. I would be inclined to have a little chat with him at a quiet moment along the lines of "Do you know what? we have got ourselves in a bit of a pickle with all these house jobs, where you owe me jobs and then I have given you money etc. Why don't we just wipe the slate clean and say no-one owes anyone anything? BUT in exchange I want us to agree that in future, jobs MUST be done before money is given, I feel very definite about that. What you COULD do is to decide on some jobs to do for me which will start to clock up some money for when you do need it"
I bet he will say no to that, but you will have given him the chance. My boy does a load of hoovering and floor washing and then gets £25 at the end of the month, which pays for his gym sub, but he would not get a red cent out of me if he had not done the work
Good luck and yes, it WILL be ok, we have to hold our nerve!
Thank you Anna & Louise for building me up! :-)
Have talked to No3 son as Louise suggested; he was very jovial, saying he would still do undone jobs (sigh!), but agreed to me only paying up for future jobs after he'd done them. Also put the 'work during the week' thing to him and he quite likes that. Feeling tentatively optimistic about that one.
I think my fear of rejection is a bit because I've lost my husband and can't bear the thought of now losing anyone else I consider so so close. Does that make sense? I know it's not right, but hey. Working on it!
Yep I think that makes perfect sense, Hopeful. Hope today is better, although it does sound as i f things have improved with your son
Your lad sounds like a good boy hopeful, keep having little chats with him, he seems to like it
Yeah, well, he might be good in principle, but right now he's being really really horrible. (You can already sense that I'm not in a good place). Really, I want to give up and just cry right now.
As usual he is after money (remember only this week he had some?). Apparently, he needs it to go out with his friends although he won't elaborate on what for. He does not want to tidy up in the house (even though he'd get paid for clearing a mess that is mostly his). He doesn't want to ask next door for jobs (really nice neighbour would probably let him clean the car or something) because 'he's fifteen and shouldn't have to work'. HE THINKS THE WORLD OWES HIM A LIVING.
I really don't know how to get through to him without their being spouts of aggression on his side or him feeling got at.
The garden is a tip with all sorts of junk from/for his shed project. According to him 'it didn't look much better before' which basically shows he really lives in his own little bubble. The bathroom floor is covered in his clothes, the kitchen cluttered with assorted plates/cups/glasses he's used, the living room - there's not really a word for it.
When he's good he's is really really good. But right now he is absolutely unbearable and I feel like I want out.
Hugs Hopeful.
I do sort of understand with how my 20 year old is...
Sorry for throwing my rattle out the pram. No3 son sweet as pie now although the tornado's destruction is still there. Have re-iterated Louise's idea about doing jobs as he goes along in the week (he said he can't plan when he needs money) - not sure he listened properly, but hey.
Deep breaths, Hopeful. Of course he can't anticipate when he needs money, you understand that.Explain to him that doing jobs in advance is like puttin credit on his mobile phone, ready for when he DOES want to use it.
Stay as calm as you can, it is not easy!
ha, I think I've been remarkably calm today. Just don't feel very good about myself because everytime I feel I've made a tiny step forward it seems I get thrown back to the beginning. Haven't shouted or anything. Had a bit of a cry to myself though.
Problem is, I am looking at the mountain today rather than the little stones.... Will get there eventually I hope!
Hope you had a good day!
Hopeful, two steps forward one step back. We end up feeling like a broken record, but don't change your tack, have you written the jobs down on some paper, I know he is 15 but he will still get a sense of achievement when he can cross one off.
When he does one of the jobs are you able to acknowledge it and give positive feedback?
I always try to praise at every opportunity. But what he actually hears is when I point out not so good stuff. It's NOT ok for him to go through all of my room to see if there is something suitable for his shed (that's what happened last night, after I had praised him for bringing in plates from there that shouldn't be there in the first place, and for tidying up stuff of his in the bathroom that shouldn't have been there in the fist place... you get my drift). I really really try, and lots of times I don't say anything - like I took the bins out last night after he had not the previous five times I had asked. Every time I turn around there's something else. Drives me mad!
Will write jobs down, but am not too optimistic. Big big sigh.
Perhaps you could ask him to write the jobs down. Remind him of something in the future that he will want money for and say why don't you write down the jobs so neither you forget to do them and I forget to pay you.
xxx
That's good, it sounds as if he is settling down and also finding a place with the new colleagues, as if HE can be the one with advice sometimes? It will feel extra good to him if he is used to a more negative attitude from some of the people in the previous place.