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I agree that they shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Surely it would have been better for you, your son, the teacher involved, and the Head to have a meeting, before the suspension took place. Like you say, what happened to 'innocent until proven guilty'. If you believe your son, then yes, you should support him.
Hi Hopeful
Dealing with schools can be difficult especially secondaries, where they have different rules and expectations.
It does seem unfair that your son was not given the opportunity to discuss, his side of the story. If it were my son at the meeting i would want for my son to have the opportunity for him to have his say.
One thing to bear in mind is that if you feel your son is right and things don't go well at this meeting you could write to the board of Governors at the school, who will investigate any concerns you express.
Let us know how the meeting goes, Good luck 
Woah! Poor you, a double whammy! Ok so the work at home, you can cope with that? And your son will be able to understand that that is fair enough.
As for the confrontation with the teacher, well I was not present but I can well imagine that she may have been using her physical presence to try to intimidate him? I would also like to comment that I feel it is unlikely that if he had said "Please may I get past?" that she would have said "certainly!" and stood to one side!!!!!
Now, assault is unacceptable whoever perpetrates it...and it sounds like one of those situations where neither party assaulted the other deliberately but that the teacher decided to get the upper hand and so she MAY have alleged this to cover her own back. Of course you cannot accuse her of this, and there is no proof...and my (limited) experience is that the teacher will tend to be believed rather than the pupil.
So, where does this leave you at the meeting? The first thing I would say is take someone else with you. After all, many pupils have two parents in attendance at such a meeting. Secondly accusing the teacher of things will get you nowhere, however true and justified you may feel this is. The thing I always think about teacher meetings is that the teachers can often envisage them as a chance to "tell off" the parent as well the child. Try to be dignified (not easy when upset)and this is where having a supporter there can help.
You could say that you are concerned at the allegation and you have spoken to your son and you understand that his reaction was because he felt he had been treated unfairly and one of the things he has been working on is leaving when he feels angry rather than showing his anger, and that was all he was trying to do, and that he now feels punished for what he intended to be self-control...and that the physical contact with the teacher was accidental. What do you think?
Just a thought, but I've been told before that our local secondary school have cameras in the classroom.
Thanks for all your tips! My big grudge is that he's already missed two days now, the sports btec thing on Thursday and whatever they do on a Friday which he tells me is GCSE English stuff that he shouldn't really miss.
The teacher in question is quite tall and sturdy and can come across as intimidating, and I doubt that my son would dare just push her out of the way.
On the letter from the head teacher's office that arrived today it states he's been excluded for a) assaulting a teacher and b) consistent disobedience. Now I know there is a procedure for the latter which takes a lot of steps, i.e. reporting to every teacher after each class, detentions, isolation etc. - this did not happen. And the first one I really really don't believe.
The letter also says I can appeal agains the decision - fat chance when he was excluded on Thursday and I only got the letter late on today and the damage is already done.
Having dealt with stuff at the school before I know they will give him the opportunity to tell his side, but that doesn't mean they'll listen.
I like the idea of taking someone with me, but I really wouldn't know who. Will have to have a think about that one...
Am really really worried about this. 
Had post on Friday (AFTER school would have been over) telling me I could appeal against this exclusion. Ha ha ha. Am even more fuming now.
I think I will write a letter to the head mistress. I do understand that No3 son is behaving unacceptably, but he has been missing two important days for his education and that is counterproductive.
Still don't know how to handle this. Yes, I am going to support him, but as it stands I am going to lose my rag in this meeting big time and that won't help either.
===
He missed his orthodontist appointment yesterday - had arranged for him to go on the train to meet No1 son who was going to take him as I was working. Had text at work from No1 son saying No3 son hadn't turned up and he'd wait for the next train, but he still didn't turn up. When I finished work, No3 son rang me to say he'd gone, but the train had been late and he'd not found No1 son and couldn't find the place on his own (in this case I don't believe him, but I have no idea what to do about it).
===
No3 son seems to be very down at the moment, really sad. But he says nothing's wrong. Don't know how to get him to talk.
Really really worried.
I'm not surprised you're worried Hopeful.
I really hope today turns out ok...
xxx
Hi Hopeful, I think writing to the Headmistress is a good idea and copy the Governors in too.
Have you found someone who can go to the meeting with you? It really would help, not only to have the support but also to remind you not to lose your rag 
Your son sounds like his self esteem isn't very high at the moment, have you been able to keep spending quality time with him? Have you been fishing with him again recently? If not, I would really recommend that you set aside a couple of hours that is 'Your' time. Perhaps Saturday mornings 10-12. He then knows that you want to hang out with him and he has your undivided attention and you have it timetabled in to your diary so that it happens on a regular basis.
This could be one of the best ways to get him to talk, it won't necessarily happen straight away, but once he trusts that this is a regular occurrence, he will open up a bit.
It would be so good for him to get involved in something that he can achieve in. You said that he quite liked football, I think in a previous post, can you encourage him to get back into that?
Did you read our article on Dealing with Disrespectful Teens? It might not be that your boy is being disrespectful necessary, but it has some good points to note.
Is there anything more that you think you could do to help him through this?
Thinking of you Hopeful.
Just a quick heads up - am shattered after another long day in a&e...
Not really spending any one on one time with anyone. No3 son is always out and doesn't want to be home. He leaves a mess wherever he goes and I am really sick and tired of nagging him. Or not nagging him for fear of upsetting him. He's not done any of the work set by the school for during his exclusion because he says it is nothing to do with what he is doing there.
Have asked him how he expects me to fight his corner, if he doesn't do his bit. But he's far to aloof to let this bother him. Part of me wants him to have a real hard come down, but then I'd be stressing, too, and I really haven't got the time.
Am really struggling with setting boundaries. A) I can't police consequences due to work B) he will be 'cooperative' and say yes to whatever and nothing happens and if I say I mean NOW he gets stroppy, kicking stuff again etc. Then he just leaves. Again.
Have not had time to even look at writing that letter - will do this at the weekend. Was busy sorting radiator out that had come off the wall, curtesy of daughter.
Sorry for just sounding off.
P.s.: read article ages ago, Anna, it was what led me to this site....
Work is tiring you out at the moment, Hopeful, and then you come home to more tiring things! We are always here for you to sound off to. Whilst I know you feel frustrated that you are not around to enforce consequences, there is something about your son HAVING to learn the lesson that his behaviour will also have consequences elsewhere and you are not able to protect him from that.....harsh though it sounds, it is one of their big lessons in life. And that is a hard lesson for parents of teens to learn too, at least I have found it so, myself 
Hi hopeful, have you heard Louise and others talking about this fabulous book about teenagers?
I am not sure if it has been recommeded to you yet but I have finally bought it for myself and wow! what an eye opener. I have been running parenting programmes for 5 years and this is something new to me!
I really want you to get it and read it, I have only read about 1/8 of it, but what your last messages reads here is exactly what it says in the book, go get it - Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town.
You will get an understanding as to why your son is behaving as he is, which in turn will help you deal with him.
Awww Hopfeful. I'm so sorry things are hard going.
xxxx
Anna, I bought the book ages ago - when Louise first recommended it - I just have to read it and with having to read about Pharmacology and Pathophysiology and and and I've just not had the time! But it is on my to do list.
Thanks everyone for your support though. Am just getting thoughts together to write that letter to bring to the meeting on Tuesday (teacher training on monday). Dreading Tuesday: got uni in the morning, then the horrid meeting, and nightshift from 7:45.
Son No3 came home late last night, injured again (big sigh) after he fell off his bike. He's still not done all the work he was supposed to do during the week and has gone out again. I really feel like giving up (but of course I can't, can I?).
Hi Hopeful. A lot going on for you right now. Well done on getting started on the letter. As for your son's school work, unless you physically tie him to a chair, then I guess if he's not doing it, for whatever reason, then he'll have to take the punishment from school. You've done the best you can, and it's stressing you out more.
As I said, he has to learn to have responsibility for himself so don't feel too bad.
The book is a VERY easy read and you could even read it in the bath
...and i have time for a bath...when???
Awwwww. Hope you're ok Hopeful.
Aww Hopeful...
xxx
Went out for dinner and cinema with the girls last night. Had text from SonNo2 saying one of my friends had phoned the house saying he'd seen Son No3 smoking weed.
Great friend, huh, getting Son No2 involved - it's not like he couldn't have sent me a text - and not calling the police instead which would have been a wake up call for Son No3. Also thinking, did he actually see him DO this or did he see him with others doing it which is not the same thing and what son No3 will say.
Plus got this wretched meeting today - how can I defend him when he's obviously disregarding everything I tell him anyway. It's just that I need him to stay at that school because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
Just want to cry, really. Looking for the parentline number (which I will hopefully ring between uni this morning, the meeting this afternoon and a meeting with someone else later in the afternoon and nightshift - have given up the thought of sleeping before that already).
I know what you mean with needing him to be at school.
Not defending him, but could he have been smoking a roll your own type cigarette? Eldest smokes them - and I do hate it, I have to say...
I do hope the meeting is constructive. Perhaps the school can help in some way.
I know I only worked nights in Tesco, but there were times I didn't sleep but got through ok. I do hope you can fit in a snooze, and catch up tomorrow.
I wish I knew what to suggest hopeful, that was even vaguely helpfu. Thinking of you.
xx
Good luck for today, I know everything is piling up. Just one thing at a time. Easy to say and hard to do! Remember to stay calm at the meeting and see if it can be a plan for the way forward rather than a witch hunt.
Parentline is now called Family Lives and their number is 0808 800 2222
Good luck Hopeful.
Thank you!
Sparklinglime, it's definitely weed, and yes, he's tried it before, and I don't think it's peer pressure, but boredom. I need to find something that he'll be really passionate about to channel his energies into, then he'll loose interest. Which is easier said then done. I'll be ok without the sleep, but no proper catching up tomorrow! Never mind.
Thanks for the number Louise! I was trying to read through all the posts before I went to uni this morning and just couldn't find it! Will phone them after this meeting now, maybe they'll have good ideas!
To end on a positive: I got really good feedback for an essay that I just hammered out in a couple of hours yesterday.... :-)
Talk later, when I'm back from the meeting! xxx
Meeting done, and apart from accepting that the teacher probably exagerated the incident the school was quite constructive. And Son No3 seemed to pay attention and to offer some feedback, too. He's even agreed to go to an appointment with Connexions! Let's just hope he sticks to what he said. There's a parents evening in three weeks, so we have a kind of measuring point then.
Haven't raised the smoking pot issue yet.
My other meeting about something else has been cancelled, so I'll try and get some sleep in before they all come back from school! Then I'll ring that number.
Ok so the meeting wasn't too bad, of course you could have done without it! Hope you get some sleep before the next thing, and you can then think about what you want to do re the pot-smoking.One step at a time.
Well done on the essay!!!!
Glad the meeting went ok, and wasn't too bad for you Hopeful. Hope you managed a catnap before they all came home.
Brilliant with the essay. I had one of my best marks with one I hammered out in a hurry having hardly read a thing!
Hope you did fit in a snooze.
You take care.
Hi hopeful, please read that book that Louise recommended, it is really good and I think even if you only manage to read the first few chapters, you will be able to see that some arguments are worth fighting over and others are completely pointless and will not necessarily make any difference to how our children grow up anyway!
Hopefully it might make you feel more empowered and feel less stress! The issues you are having with your son, are very normal for a child of the 21st Century, so don't wear yourself out worrying about it! Just read the book!!
Deep Breath...
The meeting went really well. But
On Tuesday evening No3 son came home to tell me there had been a fight between two boys. One of them got into a frenzy and even adults couldn't pull him off the other one. So Son No3 took it upon himself to kick the boy in the head. Apparently that stopped the fighting. (I got really cross about the kicking, it's so dangerous)
Yesterday he came home from school crying and saying he felt like killing himself. He wouldn't tell me what had happened, so I rang the school: The boy who got kicked has a broken jaw bone (at least) and may require surgery in East Grinstead. So far police are not involved, but they may be later. The school has again excluded my son and are looking at permanent this time. They are also acusing him of taking drugs on a permanent basis, saying he was showing symptoms when they questioned him yesterday.
Son No3 is really really shaken and upset by this. He said he thought after the meeting he felt really positive and that he could sort things out now. Now he feels everybody hates him, he's messed up school forever and he might as well end it all. He really wants to stay at school. He also says he's not taking drugs regularly and has not done anything other than smoke weed. (He also says everyone only ever talks about the bad stuff about drugs and not about the good). He says he'd taken nothing yesterday.
He said about the drugs that this wasn't due to his (bad) friend, but it had been his decision. Have said he should ring Frank and think he's thinking about that, too.
The good thing is that he's agreed to see the GP today. This was because then the school counsellor rang and threatened social services on me unless we went. Maybe its the means to an end.
I've told him that the school will probably only let him back (if at all), if he agrees to some counselling. I think he's thinking about that.
I've also told him that whatever happens, we'll sort it somehow and I'll help him. He apologised to me a million times yesterday (I was in bed after nightshift and with a migraine which is better today, but still there, and I couldn't even get up for it all) and he was really grateful that I said I'd help him.
I finally managed to ring parentline today and found them no help at all. The lady listened and was nice enough, but that was the end of it. No advice, just sympathy. Made me cry that. At least on here you all try to give me your ideas of what to do.
Should be at work today, but have rung in sick (I never do that, unless I'm half dead), so feeling guilty about that, too. Am also about to ring my personal tutor to ask for an extension on the 'big' assignment. And I've taken all the headache tablets I had and have only codeine left which I can't take now because I need to stay alert.
Any ideas very welcome from everyone!
Update: he's just got up and doesn't want to go to the GP anymore. I hope I'll convince him.
Does anyone know what happens now?
Can he be physically made to do anything?
If he gets expelled from school, what then? With all the schools here changing to academy status they can choose to take who they want. What can I do?
Hi Hopeful. Gosh, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I cannot suggest anything, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. You must be going through hell and tearing your hair out. No wonder you have a migraine. Don't feel bad about calling in sick either. You and your son are number one at the moment.
Your son knows that he should be seeing the GP, and has chosen not too, despite realising from you, that it could help him with the school in the long run. Perhaps, hopefully he'll change his mind later on in the day.
Don't know if this is useful to you or not, but take a look here In the event of permanant exclusion.
Keep talking to him. Take care of you too. xxx
Thanks for the support Hazeleyes, I'll read all that in a bit - I'm sure it will be helpful!
He went to the GP, hurrah! He's also agreed, albeit reluctantly, to go to counselling and to try antidepressants (which the GP can't prescribe, but he can refer to the people dealing with mental health for under 18s), if that's what is needed to stay at school.
He's also said he knows that his dad going off and abandoning the children and his stepdad dying has something to do with his current state of mind.
So hopefully, we are on the way to recovery.
I am still hoping that because all this happened outside of school and not even in uniform there is something that can be done here.
xxx
That's great that your son spoke to the GP. At least you're one step nearer than you were earlier. Who knows what goes on in youngsters minds, but with everything he has experienced, the death of step father, his dad bogging off, it's no wonder really that he's met with some problems, but hopefully with counselling, talking about it all will help him to deal with it.
Surely if the fighting occured outside of school, no uniform on etc, then that can't be an exclusion. I don't know to be honest, but I'm thinking the same as you. xx
Glad your son saw the GP. He will probably refer him to CAMHS....child and adolescent mental health service, they will assess him and THEN you must ask how long a wait there may be, and if neccessary (ie if a long wait) get some counselling from somewhere else. If he is still talking about suicide then you must pass this info to CAMHS, even if he has not done so himself. Relate offer a great service for young people if the wait is long.
School: do they have a Pupil Support Service? they are officers who work with schools and young people who are troubled.They usually work for the Education Authority.
You have to get tough with your son. I do not mean shout. I do not mean cry. I mean be firm, be unshakeable, be calm. He has to understand that if he is excluded it could mean going to a part time school with other excluded children as there is no guarantee that another school will take him. At the same time tell him (as you have already done) that you love him, that you want to help him and you will be there for him no matter what. The book Anna and I are talking about will help you a great deal with this situation. Reading it is one of the most effective things you can do at the present time, to regain control and feel more confident about the way forward.
My son has been excluded from school.
I am really at the bottom now.
Reading some book is not what I want to do at the moment, I need something practical to do. Relate charge - I can't afford that. Also I don't feel there is a way forward right now.
Hopeful, I am so sorry. There will be a way forward, but just hard for you to see right now. You're a positive person, and both you and your son will get through this. Can you ring the Education Authority tomorrow to see if they can help as Louise suggests? How about Board of Governors to help you fight in son's corner? I wish I could be of more help. Thinking of you. xx
I am sorry to hear your news.
There are no magic wands here but:
I have given you the practical suggestion of seeing about Pupil Support
You have already taken the practical step of going to the GP and he is referring your son on.
I know that Relate charge for adult counselling but thought that the young peoples' service was income-related so affordable. I apologise if this is wrong! It was right the last time I dealt with them.
If you log on to Your profile, click on the Edit tab and fill in your postcode (no-one can see that except you and One Space staff) I will gladly look in your area to try my best to find a counselling service that is free.
Did you look at Young Minds? They have a Helpline too (daytime)
I have to log off for the evening now but there IS a way forward, we just have to look very hard to find it
Thanks Louise. Done the postcode thing.
My next door neighbour used to be a governor at a school (not this one) and has offered to help, too.
My son is very upset. He's also asked me loads of times, if this is ruining my course, too. I've told him we'll sort it any which way.
Hi Hopeful
The news isn't very good about the counselling but I will send you a private email explaining what I have found out.
In the meantime here is the information you need about exclusion in general and here is some local info for your Education Authority area.
Hi Hopeful, you are going through it aren't you.
Did you notice that there is a helpline number on the ACE website? You might find it helpful, to talk to someone on the phone.
OK, so you are not keen on reading the book, which is a real shame as i think you would gain so much from it, it would be a practical step forward and you could start using the information straight away.
Have you been keeping up with spending quality time with your son recently, whether it is fishing or just having an uninterrupted informal chat? They need to know that they are likeable and wanted. It is hard as single parents because we spend all our time worrying about them, but actually little time 'playing' with them.
We have talked about parenting programmes before, i think, would you reconsider this?
The bottom line in all of this is you feeling strong. Our kids throw all sorts of stuff at us, especially during their teenage years. If we feel in control of our lives it is easier for us to deal with them. As Louise says, we need to be unshakeable and show them they can't rattle us. They need us to be their rock and it sounds as though your son's behaviour is wobbling you.
What else is going on for you at the moment?
Been back to my neighbour and he knows the headteacher of the school, so he'll ring her. He'll also ring some other schools and someone else he knows in education - he is being very helpful.
The last few days I've talked quite a bit with my son. He's been honest about the drug thing and he's taken responsibility for it.
What else - aside from my son - is going on? Big important assignment due on 21st (will ask for an extension and I think I'll get it), another one on 14th December and then a huge one and a presentation in January. For the next two weeks also placement which is 12 1/2 hour shifts, some night (also have to make up yesterday's). My daughter is very time consuming - she makes sure she gets her share of me. Son no2 has been staying at friends after school and out of the way, haven't really been able to talk to him at all; when I ask him he says he's ok. House is a tip. Mother not disapproving of 'new man', 'new man' being supportive but still demanding at the same time.
I don't feel like doing anything and would love to just go to sleep. The only other time I've felt like this was during the divorce from my first husband - I slept for 3 months and then just got up and on with stuff. Will try to read you book, but don't know if I have the energy.
I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because you are all helping loads, and I am not usually this negative and I know this will get sorted eventually, I just feel really drained. Sorry everyone! xxx
Have started reading your link, Hazeleyes, and this sounds like it could help. Am going to a friend's to print it all off, plus two others of their booklets and will ring them, too, like Louise / Anna suggested. x
Don't ever apologise Hopeful, we all understand what an extremely hard time of it you're having. You're under pressure with all that is going on with your son, plus all the studying and assignments, so there is no need to say sorry. That is what this site is for, (we'll just buy earplugs, lol) That's fantastic what your neighbour is doing, and also good that you're getting support from someone living so near. As for your new man, you have enough on your plate, without his demanding too. Good on his support, but thumbs down from me (sorry) for his demands. You don't need that right now either.
Glad you found the link useful.
Hi Hopeful
You're really going through the ringer at the moment aren't you, It's no wonder you don't have any energy!
I have been reading the others replies and i don't really have anything else to add, other than to ask if you had thought about doing a parenting class? i did want to ask what sort of consequences there are for your son when he does not do as he should?
Maybe you need to set some houserules? This worked wonders with my teens as they helped make them, so could not question the consequences as it was their idea!
I also want to mention, as i think someone else has already, that your son has to be responsible for his own actions, maybe telling him how much his behaviour is affecting you might help?
Good luck
Hi Sally,
it's not that I am against a parenting class, I just don't know when I would do anything like that, too. :-(
My son knows how this is affecting me, he's even asked whether he's now ruined my course as well.
Tried the houserules thing, but admittedly let it slip so will start this up again.
My heart is breaking for you.
xxxxxxxxx
Hi Hopeful. Just wondering how you are. Really hope you've had some positive feedback from your neighbour.
Hi,
thanks for all your support.
Neighbour was unable to get hold of the right people yesterday, but will try on Monday.
Came home from my 12 hour shift to find No3 son with a broken nose - someone has played judge and jury. He won't tell me who and he is refusing to come to the hospital to have it straightened, so will have a face like Mike Tyndal. He's just gone up to bed with frozen peas and paracetamol.
Letter from school came with as little information about what I can do as possible. Having homicidal thoughts towards headteacher who was very condescending already.
OR I could just go and hibernate and wake up in March and everything is ok.
Louise/Anna you are going to be so pleased: I took the book to work and got 20 minutes break, so I've started reading...
If you believe your son, it is right to support him.
I do think that they're wrong to jump to conclusion too. This was done with my youngest in primary school, which has resulted in him being called names (wrongly accused in years 5, he is now in year 8), and that was by the headmistress. She apologised, but the damage has been done.
Personally, I would attend and be saying that in this instance I do believe my son. You can also point out that you don't have a problem with the maths, so they can see that you do support the school when you know your son is in the wrong.
Sorry you're facing this though.