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and i don want` to c`ome `back `to my own home,
Hello kiera. Of course you are scared, that is natural to do feel like that. Like Louise has said, you have a whole new life waiting for you. As long as you don't tell your ex where you are, then you'll be free of the nasty texts, constant phone calls, sitting outside your house, threats of taking the baby off you. You really have got to put your children first, and by getting right away from your ex, that is protecting them from him. They are seeing you in a state on a daily basis, and this isn't good for them, nor you. It's unfair to let it carry on to be honest. Talk again to the lady about the refuge, and do it sooner rather than later, or the alternative is stay put, contact the police, and press charges on this man for harrassment and threats. You've already said you won't contact the police because of previous times, but if you don't do something soon, you'll be saying the same thing in a month's time, and your head will still be messed up. If you go to the refuge, you'll be safe, you'll have the children with you, and you'll be much happier. Of course there will be some disruption in their lives, but in your heart you know it's for the best don't you?
but i want to come back to my own home,what then, what happens,when ex cant get hold of me, scared he will go to my parents home,and dad isnt well at all, they dont need it, worried bout tht,plus ex stil gona b around when i eventually come back home, so many questions
but i want to come back to my own home,what then, what happens,when ex cant get hold of me, scared he will go to my parents home,and dad isnt well at all, they dont need it, worried bout tht,plus ex stil gona b around when i eventually come back home, so many questions
and it sounds like heaven being free of nasty txtx,no threats,fone calls, sitting outside my house,it really does
kiera. It does sound like heaven, and it can be like heaven. Your ex might or might not go to your parent's house. If he does, then your Mum can call the police and take action against him. I understand your Dad is in poor health, but I'm sure, as a parent, he would want you to be free of this man, and to be happy. There are ways around these issues kiera, but you have to want to be free of him. It can be done, hard as it will be, then you will think you're in heaven.
hi gona wait til mi daughter in bed then ring refuge,for my own sanity i av to,just bathed my little girl nowxthank u for ur supportx
Thinking of you, kiera 
Hope you were able to have a good chat with her.
hi well spoke 2 another woman at same refuge as other woman i spoke to on sat wasnt there,im bit put off now,i explained again my situation ive been crying as ex started early this mornin, he was quiet al day sunday, he asnt stopped ring on both fones, txting he is coming down all the usual,i got all shaky and upset,then woman said why dont i get a restraining order, she didnt mention going in refuge so i feel my problem isnt so bad,whereas other woman said striaghtaway theres a place for u if u want it,i said this to the woman today she said ring refuge again if ur desperate,so im put off now back to square 1
hi is ringing now,i av knot in my stomach,i av leave my mobile on so my son can txt,as they have been away for weekend with nana,they coming bk lata,get new number tomoz,i no he will turn up or at the school, he wont leave it,i av blanked him 5 days now,ive ad enuf big time
kiera, hi sweetheart.
I think it is time to call the refuge and accept the place they have offered you.
Yes its going to be scary - but so is this.
Who knows what will happen once you get to the refuge, but things will sort themselves out, your boys will be fine. They must hate seeing you like this, if you stay in this situation, their exams will be disrupted anyway because they will be worrying about you.
You don't seem to have any other options now. Either you go to refuge and start taking control of your life
OR
continue as you are.
And YES, this situation is very serious.
hi well woman at refuge suggested i get a restraining order,this was a different woman at refuge,
Yes that was a different woman. Ring the refuge and say that you were offered a place and that you would like to take it as currently you are feeling very scared and alone and need to take up the offer.
so u wouldnt recomend a restraining order,
Yes I would recommend a restraining order if you are prepared to contact the police and make a statement.
I would also contact Womens Aid and say that you need some support.
hi mean go thru asoliciter, u no ishudnt even b going thru all this,ridiculous,all because of what, man i was with
Hi kiera, sorry my mistake, you would need to go to a solicitors, yes. You would have to make a statement to them. Do you keep a record of all the goings on?
I would still recommend that you stay in a refuge whilst you obtain the restraining order though kiera. As I have said before, this is not a simple task of just asking him to go away. Having professional intervention is often very necessary. You will be supported by people who understand what you are going through and won't judge you.
You shouldn't be going through all this I agree, however you are...and you need to deal with it.
Has he continued to call you all day today?
he as rang house fone countless times today and same with mi mobile,he rings off witheld all time,i no its him, why dont he get fed up ringing and txting,i av now turned fone off and unplugged my fone,shouldnt av 2, my dad not well,what if he takes ill my mum couldnt even ring me,no contact with any1 now, which is what he wants, ive blanked him 5 days now,im scared to even mentionb refuge to my kids,i dont keep a record of all times he rings and txts,god i woyuldnt av time do anything,im runing round after demanding 19 month old,ex isnt going away is he,u no woman at refuge said ex doesnt love me he is obsessed with me,and he sees me as his toy, i got bit upset when she says he doesnt love me,im thinking he does love me, then all vile things he as said and done he musnt do,
Hi keira what is it you are scared off? is it him and what he threatens to do or are you scared of going somewhere you don't know anyone and being on your own?
If it is him then he has you where he wants you, he has you scared and isolated in your own home. I want you to dig deep keira and find the strength to leave and if you want a reason then let it be for your child.
You have mentioned a few times that your daughter does not sleep well and keeps you up, whilst you are in this sitution she is not going to settle, she can sense your unease and fear and this makes her feel insecure.
What will you do kiera? no one said it was going to be easy, but sometimes you just have to stick your neck out and take the leap. I want you to remember that we are here to support you, whatever you decide, we are all thinking about you and care about what is going on for you. But as we keep saying to you, YOU are the one that has to make the decision no one else can do that for you.
Sending a BIG BIG hug your way.
aw thank u hun, im bit happy, city beat united lol,pleased.im big city fan, anyway im not scared of being on my own ,ive been on my own for years, use to that, this ismy 3rd failed relationship,cos i dont want leave my home or take my 2 boys out of school,thta main reason, my mobile is stil switched off and house fone unplugged,unerved tho cos on edge tht ex be angry cos he cant ring me at all, dont no what he gona do now,
Aha my son is a Man City fan too
I am pretty sure that the present situation is not doing you sons any good, either with their education or emotionally....they are also seeing an illustration of a terrible role model, in this man. They have to see that this is not how they should treat women when they grow up......they can learn this if you make the break and show that this is not acceptable. I would say that this is more important than them changing schools for a while.
Where are you at with this, keira? Are you going to ring the lady again?
hi i feel like going back to ex get bit peace for a while anyway,ringing constantly, if i unplug my house fone and turn mobile off,no contact at all, did that yesterday, all day he as rang he left a message saying why fuck am i blanking him, and stop being pathetic and he gona see me either way, i can tell hes getting angrier and angrier,see the signs,ive blanked him a week 2moz,all worked up agin
You have done so well, kiera, you should be very proud of yourself.
What can you do this evening to distract yourself a little?
i am not proud of myself,feel worthless and unhappy and ive been existing for months now,i cant seem to take control,yes ive blanked him but dont feel much better,ex geting more angrier i can tell,no when he turns up cos he will il end up going back to him,he even txt i didnt see him friday cos i spent it with my daughter,which i did,so he must been watching my house to even no that,im a wreck,cant take it no more,
Hello kiera. If you go back to this man, then you are letting him win. Deep down you know this. He is wearing you down, but DON'T give in, not now. On your mobile, you should be able to block his number, so you won't receive anything from him. If anyone needs to contact you in an emergency, then they can still ring you on your mobile. I hope you get the message from him yesterday. Ring the police now, and start taking some action. This is not going to go away by ignoring the situation. We're all advising you what to do, and we all understand how hard it'll be, but you have to do something, or live forever in fear. The children are picking up on it too, which is not fair on them. Ring the police and the refuge people, and tell them you need to get out of the house now.
how do i block his number, he as 3 numbers,not ringing police,refuse to,ive kept all messages,u no ive spoke to my 14 year old son bout going and situation but he saus he is getting irrited cos i keep going back to him, so whats the point in getting the harassment orders, my 14 year old doesnt want to leave and go to a refuge,he got upset,plus woman at refuge says alot of refuges dont accept boys from 12 year old and over, even tho 1st woman i spoke to knew age of my son and said there was a place,tht was on saturday tho,
I really don't want to be horrible, kiera, but you have to stop being the victim.
Are you maybe afraid of taking the responsibility? All the time you are letting this controlling behaviour happen, you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. Is it a little a case of 'better the devil you know'?
You need to think of what is best for your children, too. They will not benefit from seeing you worried or scared or upset all the time.
really dont need replys like that
I am sorry you feel that way. I am just trying to find out why you are so reluctant to take everybody's advice. At least five people have advised you to call the police, to see a solicitor, to take the help offered by the refuge and Women's Aid. So there must be something blocking you, and I am not saying this is deliberate or you are even conscious of it.
I promise you that I am not being judgmental: I have been there, I know what it's like with the constant phonecalls and the abuse. But you are making yourself ill, letting this go on, and I am concerned for you. x
Hello kiera, how are you this morning?
Hopeful was not being unhelpful, she was asking you to try and take a step back from the situation. We all know that it is easier to see the answer to ANY problem when you're not the one in it and so she was saying that a whole group of us (who are not in the situation) had all suggested the same thing. Obviously none of us can MAKE you do anything, it is up to you and I think that is what is so hard for you, to be the one in charge. And what all of us have been trying to say to you is that if you do not take decisive action then you are basically accepting this life of fear.
Imagine if someone you knew was really poorly and in a lot of pain. They could have an operation which would involve some tough times but it would make them better...but they did not want to have the operation because they were worried about the outcome and so they chose to continue to live in pain and fear. I think that is what people have been saying to you.
That doesn't mean it is an easy answer...if it was then you would have done it a long time ago. But we will support you through it, if you can take that step
Hi kiera, how are you doing this evening? Have you got any further with the restraining order?
I remember that feeling well, when it just seems easier to go back to them than keep struggling forward, because it is a struggle and you don't seem to have anyone other than us supporting you.
You don't want to face the fact that your boyfriend is treating you badly, you want him to go back to being the lovely man that you fell in love with and had your daughter with.
Be careful over these next few days, you are although it is scary, you are sending a clear message to him. He will now either keep being nasty - which is easier to ignore OR he will change his tactic and be nice. Because you want to see the 'nice' him, your emotions will wobble all over the place and that will be the time you have to be extra strong and keep ignoring him.
You are in a vulnerable position, you are a victim in all this, you are scared and you could be in danger. Please keep seeking help.
Someone else on the boards ended up having to flee their home at the weekend, you are not the only one going these horrible, traumatic events. Please don't feel alone, because we are here.
Have you heard from him today?
i answered my mobile this morning,he started mithering 8am, i spoke to him,we ad a good chat, and il be honest im so down but he said he would come after work and we go away at weekend,he last txt at 6pm , all harassing to be at my yet he asnt rang or txt me once, back to square one, in space of a day he as let me down, ive txt him i hate and and dont love him anymore and stay away and i dont want see him again and he doesnt deserva a family, im shaking, upset, not being a fool no more, ive tuk my sim out cos i dont want ant txts off him, gona order new fone fridaymnew number, woman at refuge said some refuges dont accept boys over age of 12,my son is 14,he is nice lad though,even tho woman at refuge new my lads age when she offered me a space, ex start tomorrow ringing house fone,rather av no house fone and keep my mobile with new number, ,making me ill, why does he harassas me for days then let me down way he does,so confusing, so upset. so alone,,so down,
he does this because he wants to control you - sorry you feel alone but we are here for you - today could be the first day of the rest of your new life if you can find the strength
so confusing why hell would he waste his time playing games like that,im agry all time,bursting in tears,fed up,lost,existing,dont even wana leave house,wish i never met him ,io keep hateing him then i dont;sick feeling like that
have you had a look at the freedom programme - that might help you to understand things a bit more but I think Louise and Anna have tried to explain a little of how its all about them wanting to control you - hope you find some strength today to get the help you deserve and stop this vicious circle
Hey keira, thinking of you x
Your ex will continue to harrass you until you give in and speak to him and then he will back off because he knows he got you where he wants you as soon as you engage in any kind of communication with him. You need to try and stay as strong as you can, I know its hard I had similar problem with my ex watching me at my mums house at all hours of the night, but whenever anyone offered for me to go and stay with them I refused because somehow I felt safer when i knew where he was and if I went to stay somewhere else I would be panicking he would knock on my mums door and cause trouble (he did do this a few times too!). Men like this make control their obsession, so they can carry on doing it and it doesnt bother them. Sometimes I would wake up at 5am it would be pouring with rain I would look outside and he would be there, and I wondered what possessed him to trek 15 miles in the pouring rain at that time of the night just to watch the house - seemed so pointless, except it wasnt pointless, it did exactly what it was intended to do - caused me sheer terror and panic to the point I did go back to him 3 times before I realised NOTHING was ever going to change. You just need to remember that everything he does is to get at you in someway, the more strange, or dramatic or violent the bigger effect it has and then you get so worn down by him you start questioning whether to go back to him, but I think you know really that going back to him is a bad idea. So what you need to do is try to control your anxiety (I have anxiety and I know how impossible this can be) because HIS behaviour is unlikely to change but YOUR reaction to it can. Have you tried Beta Blockers? My GP gave me them when I was having constant panic attacks and they worked wonders.
Anyway good luck hun, try to stay strong and look to a better future one that doesnt include a man like him x
You're asking why he does this kiera. He does it, like we've said before because of the control. He knows if he keeps calling, for a week, then eventually you will answer and speak to him. You engaged in a conversation with him, had a 'good' chat, even talked about going away for the weekend, then hey ho, he doesn't text or ring you back. This in turn upsets you, but you know exactly what he is like, so you text him saying you don't love him anymore. It's a continuous circle, and it's going to continue, because you're allowing it too. I do realise how hard it is, but you are never going to be free of him, which is what you've been saying you want, if you carry on answering the phone or texts.
My sister was in an extremely violent relationship. She had three children (not by this man). Her son, then 13 witnessed what this man was doing, kept begging her not to take him back (we all did). One night, my other sister's older son, was driving down their road, and the 13 year old was standing outside with a knife. He was waiting for the violent man. My nephew was in such a rage, wanted to protect his Mum, and I dare say he would have used the knife given the chance. He was distraught, and had all sorts of problems, resulting from the action of this nasty man, and also my sister. I feel, and still feel, she should have been the protecting her family, not letting them witness abuse, violence and mental.
I'm telling you this kiera because you also have a family. I don't think I've ever said about this on One Space. I've told about my own abuse, I didn't have children, and I kept going back, out of love, out of fear, who knows.
I'm sorry, but this man doesn't love you, someone told you this the other day. Refuge lady? Women's Aid? If he loved you, he wouldn't be treating you like this would he? His actions have nothing to do with love. You yourself know this, even your daughter at a young age knows this. He won't stop, unless you want it to stop, and take action.
Thank you to those who have shared their stories, and I do hope that you will be able to draw strength from them. kiera. This man is trying to control you and what he is doing is cruel. Ring up and find out about the refuge today and whether your son could come, at least you would know one way or another then, and let us know how you get on
thank u for replying , all of u. woke up on edge cos i no he will start with ringing the house fone, ive tuk my sim out now, dont ever want any txts of him,at least i dont have to see any txts off him, i no exactly what message he will leave , he wont even say sorry, he say am i in a better mood now, i still avnty heard off him,from 6pm last night,yet i said yest m,orning if u dont come back or contact me me tht he wont see me again, yet he as dont just that,woman at refuge said he doesnt love me he is obsessed with me, but ive spoke to my sons, they dont want to leave home and dont want to change schools,i cant do it to um,as to be another way,im so scared cos ive ad enuff, i felt like crying before when i woke up heart pounding, m,y ex and my situation is on my mind all the timem, ur the only people i speak to bout this,no1 else,dont want my parent to no, they are to un well,thuis time i am avin no contact at all, cant do it anymore,mad how a man can act way ex does,
Like Louise says, ring the refuge, and see what's what where your son is concerned. I understand completely what you're saying about him not wanting to move or change schools, but he has to know it's for your (his mum's safety). Perhaps he wouldn't have to change schools anyway. The house is just bricks at the end of the day.
hi thank u for replying god ur ex waas bad, how did u get rid of him, my ex just kinda makes out hes watching the house, or he will txt what im doing or asking why ive got hall light on, which i did,plenty times ive sat in my own house on edge, in my own house, he as followed me twice before,he followed car i was in, not normal is it, he is obsessed,he says even if we apart no man will ever go near me, and for me to watch my back, he as even said if i get acar he will put a tracker on it and i wouldnt no, or if he ever gets sent prison some 1 will still be watching me,well i think why would my ex go to trouble of following car iwas in, waste his time doing that, is he that desperate for control, ive tuk my sim out now, that is it, i dont ewven think i love him anymore, he isnt a nice man at all, way he calls my 18 year old yet he would never call er to her face, hes a coward really, how did u get rid of ex thats if u have
hi well my elder son could stil go to same school, he is 14,he as exams coming up u see, my 10 year old would have to, ex as turned up at his school bfore u c, and with his track recored of following me he would follow me to the refuge, he would find a way,
thank u for ur replys, what did ur sister do in the end to get away from her exx
so are u still with ur abuser ,if not hopw did u get rid of him, how does arestraining order work ive left an email for a soliciter , the woman at refuge recommened it,do i need to av proof, only proof is txts or messages, but they were all last week,
ur rite exactly how i feel,im refusing to go out in case he is following me, i panick,he nos where my parent live and they dont need hassle, dad not well, avnt been doctors at all, xthank u for replyingxx
hi thank u for replying, ex as just started ringing house fone,im having no contact at all now, i hate him for what he as dont to me and my family, he is a vile man, wish i never met him,how did u get rid of ur ex
how does a restraining order work, what if i go to a soliciter, and go down that route,im not working so id get legal aid wouldnt i
hi hope anna comments then bout refuge would help,well woman at refuge said i would av my own apartment and my own front door,there ere 10 apartments, sounds nice