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Well, * deep breath* here goes:
I've been in my relationship for 21 years,( married for 15).
A year ago my husband went on a business trip and cheated on me with ( well you can maybe guess).
He swore it had never happened before, and asked for a second chance. I gave him that, but at the time felt totally devastated because I have never cheated on any partner( only had three),and been totally loyal and faithful.
We were due to go on holiday, and he told me he was meeting up with a woman he knew 25 years ago who was now a major player in HR and that it could be good for his business. Well, I just had a gut feeling, and said to him, that if it was for business to meet her at lunch time at least and not after work, but that I wasn't happy about it.
He reassured me that it was 25 years ago, understood my concerns, but not to worry as she had 'run off with his best mate at the time'
Last week we went on holday( him, myself and 14 year old daughter), and he seemed very distant. I read an email on his laptop to his " Sweetest Princess"
He mentioned how his Mother and family had always liked her, and her and his family now said that he had a second chance at happiness with the love of his life.
Well, you can imagine I was devastated. I slapped him round his face and asked how his 'sweetest princess' was...
He swore that nothing had happened before that meeting ( but he had asked his Mother for a photo of them both...as I had read),and from nothing to Sweetest princess is then very friendly in such a short space of time for nothing to be happening.
He's moved out of the house, but I am trying to be as reasonable or as mature as I can be...This is all so raw for me at the moment, and I am in a state of anxiety and have to write everything down, so I can focus on what I am doing, as I keep forgetting things.
I keep telling my daughter that he is still her Father and loves her very much,( but she knows everthing that has gone on because she saw him texting her on our holiday).
I am going to the C.A.B. tomorrow to try and get some advice( my head's all over the place and I'm bogged down by everything, and can't see the wood for the trees at the moment).
I don't really have family as I am 47 myself in a week or so,( yep, lovely Birthday present that eh?)
But I do have some great friends, and I have spoken to friends that we both know, telling them that I understand and don't want them to take sides, but also don't want to lose their friendship either.
It's awful because I don't know much about computers, but have been deleting messages and deleting my browsing history in case he's looking for anything...I suppose it's because I know feel so paranoid too, but I think he has deleted an email he sent to me saying that he agreed to some things, which now he's maybe changed his mind about.
Sorry this is such a long post too...I needed to get it out..
Hi Mich and welcome from me too! 
It is good that you are writing everything down, clearing your head as over the next few weeks, months there are going to be lots of changes.
You are going to need time to digest and will probably be evaluating and re-evaluating everything.
It is so horrible when your trust has been damaged. How is your daughter? Is she coping? Is he still living close by?
Hi Mich
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm wondering if that email could be in "trash"? Are you able to print things off? Do gather any documentation you have to keep it safe, birth certificates, marriage certificate, for example...
hello mich yours sounds very much the same as mine i have been married for 17 yrs he meet her through facebook , a old school friend again he was texting going distant towards the kids . my ex is clever he deleted as much as he he did on the computer swapped the bills over into my name before he went off then stopped paying them when i would drop the court cases as he hit me and broke my hand to which he is going to court friday but what sparklingtime said take the documents and keep them safe i took mine to a neighbour kids ones as well my solicator told me that but things get horrible and you cant understand why when you have known this person for ages they change overnight like mine is my house at the min im so upset over it as i cant afford it and my ex is at the mo paying for the mortage but if he losses his job what happens im so scared i have asked the dhs to help but they say why his name is on teh mortage they cant help me im now scared and it does get messy and do feel out of control i wish i had someone i could talk too about it
Please remember you can always call the Samaritans during those times that you need someone to talk to, they are excellent:
08457
90 90 90
Hello shaz5
it does sound to me as if a chat with the Citizen's Advice Bureau might help you, so you can be aware of the different scenarios.
Thank you all for your replies (Louise, Anna,shaz 5, sparklinglime). Sorry I haven't got back sooner.I have been to the C.A.B. and seen a Solicitor, who said that it really is best if we can sort out things between us first.Then the next step seems to ne Mediation. I have managed to speak to him amicably, but again I'm not sure if he is telling me one thing, but meaning another. Time will tell.
I have applied for child tax credits, and asked if I can get another hour at work to make it up to 16 hours so I can apply for working tax credits too.I have also applied for my Council Tax discount.
I will then go to the Estate agent to find out how much I can ask for the house and then start to clear things out( like the loft and garage), and then hopefully get it on the market to sell.
My daughter seems ok at the moment, because i have told her that whatever happens between me and her father, he still loves her very much..( even though he took her to dinner the other night, and just kept going on about his new woman, and texting her.)
I have to say I'm not so sure about the Samaritans, because when it first happened a year ago, I rang them, and I didn't find that it helped me,( maybe it was just that I didn't feel empathy with the person that spoke to me)...
It's actually my Birthday today, so my feelings have been very 'mixed'. I got a voucher from his Mother, and phoned to thank her but say I was surprised as to what she was supposed to have said about always liking his other woman, but she says that she didn't actually say that as such.
I will read other information you have posted here too, so thank you again for your kind support.
Mich, I do hope that you are able to enjoy your birthday.
I'm lucky in the relationship I do have with my ex-in-laws (just got off the phone with them now...), and hope that they will be a positive part in all of this.
Happy Birthday for yesterday, Mich, I imagine it felt like a strange day all round, so glad that you had that gift from your mother in law though.
You seem to have achieved so much in a very short time, well done you, and keeping busy does really help with the emotional pain in the first few weeks but once things settle down a bit, do give yourself that space. Sorry to hear your call to the Smaratians was not a positive experience but it sounds as if you were just unlucky....if that ever happens again say sorry I have to go, put the phone down, wait half an hour and phone again, you are almost certain to get a different person.
I hope you do manage to sort things out between you, strike while the iron is hot and he may actually be feeling a bit of guilt about what has happened and you may make sone progress. If you do decide to find a mediator, you can do so here
Good luck with it all and keep posting as we are always here for you
Happy Birthday for yesterday Mich. xx
Thank you again...It was actually really good to feel a bit normal again staying at my friend's house for my birthday. I had a bit of an anxiety attack in the night, but all in all it was a good time considering.
I feel now that I should make a start on clearing and sorting out my things, ready to try and move forward. I know I should do this, but I can't seem to get the energy or motivation to start this, as it seems a huge job.
I am working tomorrow and Thursday this week, and have asked my Line manager if I can get another hour to make it up to 16 so I can apply for working tax credits, and she just needs to ask the store manager now, so fingers crossed.
I haven't yet heard back from my husband about the email that he would re-send stating that i can have the proceeds of the sale of the house to buy a two-bed flat, but I will keep you upodated...
Hi Mich,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is a horrible place to be in, but it does get better! I had been married for 8 yrs and with my ex for 14 years and we had two children. I found out in April 2009 that he had been having an affair. To be honest I had suspected it for a while, he is in the forces and was working away during the wk and home at weekends. He started staying up late at night chatting to girls on the internet and we had really drifted apart.
Its a long story but basically there was a woman who lived near where he worked he was "just friends" with. He also asked if I would mind him spending a weekend with her when he took her to a job interview to where we used to live. I told him I didnt like it, but basically told him to do what he wanted, so he did and he even brought her into our house to meet me and the kids.
I found out about 2 months after this that he was seeing her, i found out by going on his facebook account and looking at her profile. He had left her lots of lovey dovey messages and it was clear they were an item.
He moved in with her straight away and they are still together now. It has been a very tough couple of years but I have just been trying to focus on me and the kids.
Hope you had a nice birthday yesterday
Sam x
Thanks Sam.....well that sounds horrible too...I think the fact that they are still together must be very tough for you too...( It's like at least you want them to be unhappy and so hopefully realise what they've lost, but that is probably just a fantasy).
I know what you mean Mich and I hate it that they play "happy families" with my children, but I just have to put up with it. I would like them to be unhappy but dont think that will happen! My ex is a bit deluded though as he seems to think we should all be best friends! x
Hi i cant believe how many people are splitting up these days its as if the worlds gone mad!!!!!.I am going through the same as u but the other way round and its hard but i am finding it a little easier by talking on here.We are all going through the same sh*t and can support each other this way
Yes, that is one of the great benefits of One Space, that you need not feel alone with what you are going through. Good to see you again paulch
Hi Sam, paulch, and Louise...I've just got in from work...It's dull and windy outside( that sort of weather is so depressing isn't it?)...anyway, I have my little siamese cat on my lap as I type, purring away, and my daughter is on Facebook in her room next door..
I agree paul...this site is great to give each other support( I haven't had a lot of time yet to look around this site completely). I wonder if any of us live near each other?
Tomorrow, I have a list to do as I am off work:
Buy another school skirt, See estate agent,ring milkman,go into town later,( a work colleague is hopefully going to come back with me to take a few pics of my daughter as he wants to start a photography portfolio, and my daughter wants to send some photo's to a modelling agency as she's tall...so we'll see how that goes)...
I'm sure I had other things to do, but can't remember them just now...
Oh well off to get my daughter some food, as shes' starving hungry'
See you guys later...hugs..
The wet and windy weather is making me feel depressed a bit today....I have been thinking of when my daughter spoke about how my husband and his B*** will live in London in the week, and down here
for the weekend...( Oh and she has a house in Spain too)...so he is thinking
longterm...and HE is happy! It is SO unfair...I am feeling stuck in the mud and
sinking.....I want to be happy and thinking ahead, so I feel very sad right now....
(
Sorry to put a downer on this post)
Oh Mich, don't go there!! I have just been reading through this thread and thinking that you have been making big strides ahead.
Ok so you had a list of things that needed to be done today, maybe you are feeling overwhelmed by it all.
What is essential on your list? What time do you have to start doing 'stuff'? Up until that time, relax and potter!
Your future is going to be great, you have what it takes to create what you want for your life. Your ex may well be travelling to London, the country and Spain, but you know in your heart that he isn't trustworthy and if that is the lifestyle you want, then you have to make it happen, whether it is changing career, or keeping working and saving until your daughter leaves home.
On the plus side you have your daughter, and I believe (having a 16yr old myself) that your relationship with her can not be beaten. I'd choose my daughter over everyone else ever!!! (Especially once she is over the grumpy moody stage!!
The weather is foul, but needs must, so call the milkman and tick that off the list, then when you go into town, treat yourself to something, perhaps a £3 DVD or new nail varnish.
You feel rotten now and you are allowed to, but you don't want to feel rotten for ever, so give yourself an hour to wallow then put on your fav clothes and get on with the rest of the day.
Anna, you are SO right...I was wallowing a bit, but this weather really doesn't help me. I phoned a couple of friends, and feel a little better now.I have phoned the milk dairy, and although I'm not going into town now, as my colleague can't make it, I am going to try and tackle a little 'bagging up' and then maybe see a friend before I pick my daughter up from school.
I do hate though how your mood can swing wildly( well from crap to not so crap)....
I am now going to ring the estate agents....to get a valuation, and I still need to think about Mediation....
Well done, keep going! Thank crunchie for friends! Good luck with the estate agent call Let us know how it goes.
It is incredible how our mood can change so dramatically from one moment to the next, however all in good time this will balance out.
Thank you so much for your support Anna, I really appreciate it...
well, I have phoned two estate agents, and one is coming round tomorrow to give me an evaluation, so it IS a start.I still don't feel up to bagging up stuff yet,so I've decided to go and get a school skirt( if it's wrong I can exchange it), then see a friend for a quick cuppa, and then pick my daughter and her friends up from school...so at least I have a small plan for the next few hours....'little steps at a time'
Ok, so I couldn't make it to my friend's as time has slipped away....but I have phoned up about Mediation, and also SPIN that Anna has kindly let me know about, oh and joined Gingerbread...
Ok, off for a cuppa now, as at least I've managed to do 'something' positive.
It all sounds good Mich, very productive. I hope your daughter had a good day at school, is your house now full of giggling girls 
?
Well Anna, I phoned the school today to let them know about the situation, and to say that she hasn't got one of her choices ( GCSE choices)and she definitely doesn't want to do ICT...so I'm waiting on what will happen next.
I just dropped the girls off home today...
I got an email reply from my husband saying that he will put aside 1st Oct to help clear the garage out and for me to get a skip for that weekend, but I've asked him if he can bring it forward, or that I can make a start myself if he can't, but I might clear out things he wants.
He says he is agreeing that I can have most of the money from the house sale, but he will need a deposit for himself,( I really had to bite my tongue and not mention that why couldn't he live in one of his B***'s mansions, but I didn't of course)...and mentioned that in the meantime it would be really helpful if he could have a chat with his bank to see if he can take the mortgage with him, or maybe ask his Mother to see if she's got any money left from buying her house outright ( he put the money for that on OUR mortgage which is still be paid off)to go towards his deposit....
He also reckons that we don't need mediation unless we have any 'issues' to sort out, so I said ok, no to that for now then...
I'm feeling a bit down again this evening...
Somehow, no matter how we try, there are those days that we don't feel we're getting anywhere.
I think you've achieved so much! I can understand where you're coming from on the property front though.
Isn't it funny how those who have chosen a new path in life, shall we say, don't see the need for mediation as they don't see any issues...
Loads of virtual hugs flying to you in this gale.
xx
i can relate to how you are feeling with the house . my ex at the min is still paying for mine but just in case i have applied to teh dhss for help just in case he stops. just so the kids can stay where we are for their sake really . i agree with sparklingtime how they can just wipe away what they had for what a new life but it will hit them one day what they have done! i know my ex has blinkers on but he will have to face what he has done so hang in there have a goo day xx
Hello Mich
I think you made loads of positive steps yesterday! I agree its is scary how our mood can vary so wildly....that is because you are going through the grieving process as if someone had died, except in some respects it is worse because he is still around to cause more upset. Anyway during this process you can have all sorts of feelings, really unexpected, and it can make you feel pysically very low and drained so it is important to spoil yourself as much as possible, I don't mean costly things, just things like a mug of hot chocolate, a snuggle on the sofa, your favourite music, a weepy film, a brisk walk (once the gales have gone!), whatever you like to do.
Hope you have a good day today.
Your support:Anna,sparklinglime,shaz 5,Louise, is so important to me now, and I really can't thank you enough....
At the moment at least it is sunny, but this morning I still feel low.
I started off quite well and busy, and now as things are slowing down, I am
feeling worse....My daughter has gone to school and I am in this house alone( except
for my cat).....I wanted this all to be one big horrible dream, but I know it's
not...I HATE this.....and it IS so bloody unfair....Unless it's karma getting me
back for being so horrible in a past life..
I think it's because it scares me
so much that someone I think I knew for all those years intimately is just so
like someone I have never known now.....like invasion of the body snatchers. I
just feel so completely gutted. People say that people do change then they say
that a leopard doesn't change it's spots...I don't know ...It's just
horrible....I know there are lots of other people going through this too right
now, but God it's bloody so awful...I really wouldn't want to wish it on
anyone....How can people DO this to others?
I have the estate Agent coming round at 2.30...and really MUST try to get on bagging stuff, but again just want to get out of this house, so I might try and go and see a friend....
I just feel a bit all over the place this morning...
Thank you all so much again, I really, really appreciate your support.
Oh P.S. I just re-read my previous post, I didn't call her a bad name I don't think, but it has starred it out...It only rhymed with 'lint' not 'itch'
You were not a horrible person in a past life and you so do not deserve this. Sometimes even one day at a time can seem too much! I understand that the betrayal is very difficult to deal with and don't expect too much of yourself. You CAN do this.
When you feel you are up to reading, there is a good book for you to get your teeth into here. Includes some very interesting visualisations as well as some common sense advice.
Sounds like your friends are a good support system for you right now. Hooray for them!
Thanks Lousie for replying...your first line made me cry...I suppose it's me just trying to make sense of all this.....I'll look at the book link....
sorry to be a bit of a whimpy mess today....
I'm going out, as I have just remembered I have had one of those cards from the postman about not enough postage paid on something, so I need to go and collect it from the depot....
I just need a list of things to do I think to try and keep focused....
Ooh I bet the thing from the postman is something annoying like a gardening catalogue I always get all excited thinking it might be a Mystery Gift (from whom I have no idea!!!)
Sorry to make you cry but I do want you to know that we are all here for you. Also meant to say don't forget to print his email out!
Now.....make your list and at the bottom put a reward for yourself for having got through another few steps along the way
Well Louise, I got half way there and realised I didn't have any I.D. on me so had to come back....it was a Birthday card from my cousin, but there just wasn't enough postage put on it...
I can't print out the email as two colour cartridges on it have run out, and I can't afford to buy any more, but I will try and forward them to a friend. Plus I have had a friend set up another email address for me, so that he can't get into them.So I will re-send them to there too.
I saw our neighbour on the way back, who gave me her well wishes, so that was nice of her too.
I'm still feeling down today, but really trying to get ontop of that feeling....
I used to sit at home and cry buckets when I first moved here, so I sort of have an idea where you're coming from. It was about two or even three years of having moved here that I found One Space! And I can't tell you how much it helps knowing there is someone there - even it it is in typing, we are here...
Clearing the lving room here ready for the damp man (well he's not damp, the wall is... Unless if rains of course and then he could well be damp). Dumping things in there for sorting as the room's unusable.
Good idea setting up the new email. Delete your history too though...
hi mich i did that too had to get a new email as he had linked it to his phone and i got all there emails too some were just like boo hello so i have kept them and sent them to the solic i hadto get a friend to help me to change the password for the computer too as he did that. even whenn i tired to change my password for fb he would have known as that was linked and when friends sent me a passage he had that too . the way i found out was my friend sent me a message about what i had rang her about and he repiled to it telling his new partner about it starting with hi baby look at this . he brought our son a phone so he can phone or text him whne he wants but that as been liknked to his phone too now but he as not been intouch by that as the poice have warned him not too. i even got the alarm code changed in the house too and only i know that . yes it is hard today is abit hard for me thought going out would help lift my mood abit but not much i know i cant and wont let him think he is getting me down .i good neighbours too that have helped me alot and keep helping specially when im stuck with someone too look after the kids well best go got to go to work joys got 27 kids too look after now for a hour and half great take care x
Thanks Sparklinglime and Shaz....yes, I am/have done that too...
Sparklinglime,it must have been really awful for you when you first moved. Was it very far away from people you knew? I hope the man can sort your damp problem out for you.
It's such a shame you are not closer Shaz, at least we could've gone out together and supported each other....still at least 'here' is something eh?
I got a tiny bit of cleaning done for when the estate agent comes round...the thing is it's a 4 bed house( converted from 3), but two of the rooms are no longer bedrooms(but offices), and they might not like that...we'll see...I managed a cup of tea and a slice of cake just now which is something....plus now I'm feeling a little calmer emotionally wise, although my heart is beating quite heavily at the moment for some reason......
Oh and Anna I bought that book off Amazon and a couple of others with the voucher my M.I.L. sent me....
Sorry, double post again!
I actually ended up withing a few minutes walk of where I grew up. I really was very, very lucky.
Hi Mich, another great read is our article called How to recover from a broken heart, good luck with the Estate Agent, you might have to stick a couple of beds in the offices!
I'll look at that link too in a bit Anna...the estate agent said not to worry about that as people could see what they were, and it would still be classed as a 4 bed house...I gave my husband the info that he gave me, but my husband needs to speak to his bank to see exactly whether he can take our mortgage with him, or if he needs a deposit for a flat too(don't know why he just doesn't move in with HER).
Anyway, it will obviously cut down what I can have to get myself and daughter a place with, and might end up having to get a 20,000 mortgage myself, which I don't know how I will be able to afford, so it's a bit at stale mate at the moment...
hi mich hope you feeling calmer now ? i was like you for the first 3 weeks i didnt eat much but do try to keep energy up as you will need strength .i know it is hard but do try there are times still that i dont eat . i have looked at that book too i was thinking of getting it. anna's link i have read that printed it out and stick it to the fridge to help me another one i was told about was moving on that is also on the fridge and when im down i look at them . hope the estate agent was ok today
Thanks Shaz,
The books I bought with my voucher are:
Out of the Darkness: From Turmoil to Transformation
Change Your Life In Seven Days (Book & CD & DVD)
I Can Mend Your Broken Heart
So that's enough to be going on with I think...
I do feel slightly calmer at the moment, thank you...and yes, I will try to have something else to eat in a while...and I hope you are feeling better today too?
Thank you for the link Anna, I read through them...
My daughter is at a friend's house and wants me to pick her up now. Tomorrow I am working..so that should keep me busy...
How does everyone else feel today?
Wow that's an inspirational booklist, Mich!
Shaz5 you are right, it is important to keep your strength up, if you can't manage a meal just have what you can. Bananas are good, or an egg on toast? (OK OK...or cake, I suppose 
)
I am tired out today, I work at a counselling place on Tuesday afternoon and evening and often take a while to wind down afterwards. Going to see two friends this evening though so that should boost me up!
Hi Mich,
Sorry to hear you are finding things tough at the minute. We all have good and bad days!! It sounds like your booklist will keep you busy!
sam
Hi mich. Let us know how you get on with the books, especially the one about changing your life in 7 days (that's what i need, hehe) Hope you've managed to eat something. Even the cake suggested by Louise lol. Have a good evening.
I think its the darker evenings - I feel its bed time at 8.30pm! Ideal for going to bed and read...
Yes, and an extra reason for early jamas!!
with you both on those ones
Evening Ladies....well, yes focusing on work did help a bit today.....and I managed to eat half a roll, and a few snack a jacks, and a couple of jaffa cakes. I also drank a 'naked' smoothie thing( the ones that look like drain cleaning fluid, but taste good...so lots of vitamins I think)
The book I can mend your broken heart was waiting for me when I got home, so I'll start that soon. My daughter just phoned and asked me to pick her up from her friend's house in about half an hour...( she has a better social life than I do!).
Now, tomorrow I have a friend popping over for a bit, and I am going to ring the Child Tax credit people as I haven't received the application form yet, and the Working Tax credit people as I now have a letter from work stating that I do 16 work a week...so n ow I can apply for that too....
How is everyone else this evening?
Oh just having a thought that I'd maybe like to train as a counsellor....I'm usually a very good listener ( before all this hapened), and people say I'm quite empathic...
I'd probably need to take GCSE's ( as funnily enough although my husband doesn't think I work enough, I actually started full time work at 16...and was given court permission not to take my 'o' levels as I had a job to go to).
Does anyone have any ideas what's needed ( education wise) to start off maybe?
Hello Mich
Welcome. I am so glad you found us. This site can give you lots of information and support.
There are a few things to consider now. Your head may be so all over the place that it is hard to do practical things but you MUST, to make things easier as time moves on. I am talking about money, housing and legal stuff.
Glad you are going to the CAB. They will probably suggest you find a solicitor. You can find one by clicking here. They will also want you to look at your financial situation. Do you work? Have you and your husband decided anything about your current home? We have several "experts" available on this board, and I will give you the links once you are a bit clearer about what you want; you are probably still in shock at the moment. It's great that you have some good friends to talk to.
Can I also suggest you read this thread? Not that it gives you a load of answers but it is written by people going through your situation and may give some reassurance.
Please keep posting, we are always here and there is lots of friendly support, get it off your chest and share what is going on and how you are feeling.