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I ended up speaking on the phone with the idiot - now it is clearer what he is thinking I kind of get it - he is still being an idiot though - everything is black and white with him - he wants to speak through solicitors and not face to face - what a coward!
At least you understand what he is driving at a bit more clearly now.
I don't think my ex-husband did it for a joke, he said he was "respecting the day of our marriage" 
What have you got lined up for the weekend?
Girls away tomorrow so going to do something nice for myself
Sunday is a swimming event then maybe out for tea
How about you?
Swimming again, your girls are really into it, that's great. Glad you are going to do something nice for yourself. Not much going on here...last weekend was busy with Jubilee things so am a bit behind on jobs. Am going back to that church again on Sunday and trying to help son to revise for his looming Maths GCSE (for the fourth time; he keeps getting D) he really seems to struggle with shapes and angles so that's what we're doing. And we might get a curry for tea tonight 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUMG7q642lk
my wedding anniversary today - I know the reality but it doesn't make it any less painful - wanted to share this with my friends
i know you will understand
Awww lrh, am thinking of you. Anniversaries of any kind are so hard. I hope you manage to enjoy the day with the girls, and look forward, rather than back on what you and he had. You're doing so well. xx
thinking of you.
Hello lrh
Sending you lots of special wishes today. You have taken such strides forward, hope you are very proud of yourself
Hi Lrh,
Am sending you a hug, I just played that song, I've not heard it before but boy did it hit me.
My anniversary is coming up soon, I'll be working on the day but I was thinking about this a few days ago. I know a lot of my family and friends will be worrying about me on the day and as it approaches, but I'm kinda thinking that for myself and my memories I will look back on that chapter as a happy time, I married my then soulmate, and I am proud I was a bride, I'm proud I took my vows and I know in my head and heart that I honoured every one, also without my marriage, I wouldn't have my lifetime sunshine, my children, so I'm renaming my old anniversary day as Happy Sunshine Day, that's what they are to me and I cannot ever imagine my life without them.
Lots of love
X
thank you my friends
I have cried all day - played that song most of the day
rowed with eldest
took youngest to her time trial and she got the time she needed so I was very proud of her - we went for a pizza together - feel washed out now - early night due I think
thanks for your support
Chacha I like your Happy Sunshine Day - I can't go into detail but I had so much extra in my marriage surrounding my children so although it was a happy time it also has caused me a lot of heartache - but I wish you all the best for your Happy Sunshine day - great attitude to have
I think I was really shocked how hard it has hit me
tomorrow is a new day
Yes, tomorrow is another day lrh. You've got through today, yes with tears, but perfectly understandable.
Well done to your youngest. Sorry you've argued with your eldest, but I'm sure it'll blow over. A stressful day all round maybe. Hope you get a good night's sleep. xx
thanks hazeleyes - expect you are happy to have C home - will catch up next week - off to bed now
Glad your daughter's done well in the time trials. Sorry you've not had such a good time with your eldest.
Hope you sleep ok.
thanks sparkling
got a bit of a dilemma - spoke to eldest last week and we agreed that she didn't want to know about the money situation because it worried her, so we agreed that i wouldn't talk to her and tell her money was tight but she then had to accept that if i said no to extra trips etc then i mean no and i am not going to offer her an explanation
the idiot is now only paying the mortgage, although it seems he is going to let us stay in the house (mm wonder how long that will last) and he pays their very expensive training fees but he is not giving me any other money and when i asked him if we have to come and ask for money, he said it all had to be sorted out legally and wouldn't give me a straight answer.
so back to eldest, she started saying oh well you can ask dad for money etc and i said to her that either we talk about things when she wants money or she leaves it up to me - it sounded ridiculous, but, it seems that she wants it both ways - i will, of course, go to the idiot if she needs money but i know if i have to explain it to her i will end up saying your dad said no and then it will end up in a row - she won't be mad with him she will be mad with me - she won't see that he is choosing to buy a new car or go on foreign holidays rather than buy the kids anything.
i know you lovely people will be able to help sort me out!
I didn't talk to my lot about money, as their father often did. Daughter, especially, would get very upset (she was probably about 11 when he got in a major mess again).
I do however talk about budgeting, and if there is a trip, then I show them how it is going to get paid for. Youngest got very upset when there was a trip that year 6 went on that cost £100 for a night!!! School gave plenty of notice, and I put it on the board how much we'd paid, and he could see there was plenty of time to cover it. I think its an important lesson.
Being mean, I think it also pointed out that their father didn't budget, and didn't take them into account for stuff.
I know eldest would get very angry when their Dad went away for holidays. But had Dad shut up about them, they'd never have know.
Children though are very selfish, and no matter which way you try to deal with it, it won't be the right way for your oldest 
Personally, I used to tell my lot that their Dad did pay money each month (they know its £12 a week now they're older), as I think they need to know he does help. Oldest will sometimes ask his Dad for things, but his Dad always says no. Hurts like heck, but then another lesson he has had to learn. Perhaps if your daughter needs anything, and you say you need to budget for it, or its not possible, perhaps she can approach her father.
Good post sparklinglime.
Hi littleredhen, its a difficult one, because it sounds as though you don't want your daughter to see the negative sides of her father, however you can only tell the truth.
Have you considered the CSA, as legally he is bound to pay towards the childrens upkeep? I he is paying for the girls training fees, but that is his choice. He says that he will only give you money 'legally' - so why not take the first step down that route.
You need to know where you stand
I have always kept my daughter in the know about our money situation and she had to learn to live with it, however I had a friend who would never talk to her children about money, she would never say 'We can't afford it', as I would, she would just say 'No, you can't have it'. I admired that.
I wonder if you can tell her that money is tight - she knows this already - and that you will always try to provide her with everything that you can, but things are different now and you will have to say No sometimes. If you can say this matter-of-factly, then it won't scare her. You can also let her know that Dads money situation is none of your business now and unless it is an emergency, it is not right for you to ask him for any money. Then the ball is in her court to ask him if she needs or wants to.
It sounds as though you not sure of your financial situation at the moment, so the sooner you are clear, you can respond to your daughter with more certainty. Have a look at our article Budgeting and Money Management, which has links to some useful calculators.
thanks guys - he is splitting hairs over the mortgage and says he is paying the mortgage and I am living in the house and because that is over what CSA would ask him to pay then that is it - I don't want to leave the house but I am trying to work out if we would be better off moving - I feel he is going to use this as a stick to beat me with in the future
Hi lrh, sorry if i repeat what someone else has already suggested only i have only read the last few posts, have you sought any legal advice for yourself? this would be something i would recommend if you have not already, you can contact our legal expert here.
Anna has already suggested that you contact CSA, the sooner you start the ball rolling the sooner you will have some answers, you will then know what decisions you have to make, i found that once the financial side of things were sorted, i felt more secure and in a better place to make decisions, i also was able to put some closure on that part of my life and move on.
Hope this does not drag on to long for you, have a good evening xx
h
I have contacted the legal expert but he keeps changing the goal posts - I will get legal advice as I know we have to get a separation agreement but what I object to is him trying to force me to a solicitors - he can put his proposals forward but he is now dragging his heels after I refuse to bow to his demands!
But... you would be free...
Totally know where you're coming from, truly, I do.
I worked hard and paid for a car. Chrysler grand voyager limited edition. Cost a bomb, but ideal for four young children and their friends. Long wheel base so I had a boot.
I paid for it.
Ex used this as a bargaining tool. I could have my car if I gave him a clean break car. He wanted me to have my car and be happy...
I sold the car.
It was hard, but then I was free. Honestly, he was so shocked as he thought he was being generous, but then it wasn't him who'd been working the 6 nights a week and one and a half days a week to pay for the car and bills...
Great posts, sparkling I agree with your comments about how to deal with the money issue. LRH, teenagers will ALWAYS want the best of both worlds. Try not to get cross; your calmness will give you a strength in her eyes. She is perfectly at liberty to ask her dad for money for things she wants......
Am thinking I will get another solicitors letter this morning - will wait and see.
Now getting accused of keeping information from the idiot,
I have passed that thought back to him - he has NEVER enquired about the children with me or what they are doing or healthwise but what he wants is me to spoon fed him this information. I did this when we were together but I am not prepared to do it anymore and he doesn't like it.
I see it as his responsibility to enquire after them and then maybe if something happened in between then I would inform him.
I also feel strongly that he has not contacted either of the girl's schools and asked for them to send copies of information to him - this year I have copied school reports for him but I won't be doing it next year. if he contacted the school he would know about parents evening and get newsletters sent to him - its not rocket science but he is too lazy to even contemplate it
The children used to get two copies of the reports, and I'd make sure that they took them to him with the next contact - now he doesn't see them, and I have no address to post them, they're in a drawer.
I did used to send a text if the children were unwell and off school, or even if they were at the dentist, just to keep him informed. Only a short text.
I would copy or print off and give him a copy of the school calendar at the beginning of term. I used to remind him about parents evenings and C's reviews too. Yes, he should have made the effort to do all this, but I knew he wouldn't. He never came, but it did remove one possible issue for conflict. Again, the children knew he had all the information so they couldn't turn on me...
I agree, LRH, it is up to him to be in touch with the school. As for the other things, such as health, of course I am sure you would inform him of anything major but actually he could be in touch with the girls directly as they are both old enough to get their own text messages etc. And yes he SHOULD be making that effort. You are not his mother, you are mother to the girls and he is their father.
However, you do not neccessarily have to say this to him, you could say something like "Now we have separated then it is best if you don't rely on me to relay information. I will always keep you informed about anything major but it is better that you are in touch with the school on your own account and contact the girls direct about day to day things so that you can still feel involved in their lives"
Fingers crossed for no solicitor letter 
I think it's great that Sparkling did all those things, reports, texts about dentist or doctor appointments etc, but I know I wouldn't have done it.
I'd be inclined to do what Louise is saying, tell him lrh, that he can contact the school for reports, open evenings, any events that are taking place at the school etc.
Hope you're okay today, and nothing is is the post.
thank you for all your input my friends - no solicitors letter - well that is not true actually - one from my solicitor whom I changed my will with recently so he get nothing of mine and anything I have goes to the kids - can't do that with the house unfortunately as some stupid law in Scotland but he won't get any of my other stuff
Good for you lrh, getting the will sorted out. At least there was nothing you weren't expecting in the post.
Do you have plans for the Summer hols, as they are fast approaching for you. When do the girls go away? How long will they be gone for? Can you afford to take them somewhere too?
Even though this is the first year that I'm working, I won't be able to do anything with C still. I've been looking round for cheap hols, just for a few days, but realistically this still isn't possible while I'm paying bits and pieces off.
we are very lucky - I have a friend who has a holiday home off the Scottish coast and we can rent it from them for less than £300 (although ferry is £110)so me and my girls and my sister are going for a week the second week of July - we break up on 29th June - he is taking them the last week of July but is not telling me where at the moment - I have told him though that he won't be taking them anywhere until he tells me where they are going.
Have you thought about the Sun holidays hazeleyes?
That sounds lovely lrh. I'd be the same as you, not letting the girls go, unless you knew exactly where they were going. I'm sure he'd expect the same from you.
A friend also mentioned the Sun holidays to me, so I should get cracking on that. Do you know when it first appears in the paper? Probably missed it, knowing my luck 
merci
tout le plaisir est pour moi
Hi hazeleyes, Care for the Family do some great holidays for single parents, but you have to be quick as they get booked up early, so keep this in mind for next year.
Another option for a cheapish holiday is to look on your local cheap airline, find a cheap flight, then look for hostels. Check them out on TripAdvisor, but often they are clean and cheap and central to where you are.
I am going to start a thread on holidays as I love talking about them and there are lots of deals out there. PS. Don't forget to check out our Holidays page.
hazeleyes and other single parents! Have a look at these links:
Camping & Glamping - low cost breaks
Thankyou Anna, shall take a browse through. x
Hey, I asked about holidays not so long ago and lots of people gave tips! (Obviously, my holiday idea has gone out the window a bit... sigh.)
Why don't you find that thread and have a look!
I remember that Hopeful, shall look for that thread. Everything seems so pricey, even with me working
I didn't realise it was possible to hate someone so much - I guess that means they still have a firm grip on my heart
Hi LRH
Back to your thread. I hink you're right, there is still an emotional connection there if you feel like this....but why wouldn't there be? You were married to this man for many years and he is the father of your children. No matter what he has done, you can't just switch feelings off like a light.
Putting my counsellng hat on, it feels as if you are very much in the "anger" stage of the grieving process right now and anger can do two things...it can energise you or it can eat away at you. Now you are the sort of person that usually "gets on" with things but because of the business of the house, yu have been stalling things yourself, and I so understand that, Unfortunately this has led you to feel even more frustrated and so that bitter little worm has been eating away at you.
No magic wand, LRH but just to let you know that the ferocity of your feeling is really normal and hope my explanation gives you at least some reassurance.
The way forward really is to feel empowered, rather than the disempowerment you have been feeling of late. Can you think of a way to start changing this, even a small way?
I can't believe how nasty things are getting - I don't understand why he would want to withhold where he is taking the kids on holiday in a few weeks, from me - seems completely crazy and to what benefit - I guess some secret pleasure it is giving him!
It has empowered me today and I have phoned to arrange appointments with a solicitor for the first week of school holidays - can I ask did those of you on legal aid just go with the first solicitor you came to - I have made appointments with two different ones but when I spoke to the third one and I informed him that I presumed it would be a brief half hour appointment he seemed aghast that I might want to go elsewhere - mind you he was a man
Hi lrh. Sorry you're having a rough time. I don't know where you stand on the holiday thing, but surely you're permitted to know where he is taking the children. Can you put a halt on the holiday? I understand that the girls would be disappointed, but for your sake?
hi hazeleyes - I have checked - in Scottish law i have no legal right because we both have parental responsibility but what parent would not want the other parent to know where the children are. I spoke to a very helpful lady but like she said if there was an accident somewhere I would be wondering if that was my kids until I hear from them and I can't keep texting them to see if they are ok that would also ruin their holiday
Get some advice from the solicitor lrh. Not long to wait now, or e.mail the legal expert here to start with. He is being an absolute a***. I know it's probably not a good idea, but could your daughter text you the whereabouts? I really am sorry that he is putting you through so much worry, when there's no need for it. x
The Git never told me where he was taking them either... Same as not having an address or telephone number.
I couldn't have made sure the children sent a father's day card even if I wanted to. He'll sob and say how awful it is that he didn't have one mind.
I have had advice on the phone already - I have no legal right to know
but the rest needs sorting out anyway so on we go
Was it meant to be funny Louise?