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thanks Dexter
I keep telling myself that he can't do anything else to surprise me and then he does!
I won't go into details as I realise that a lot of what I write could easily identify me if either of them came on the boards but it is to do with how our finances are and who controls what.
I was raging when I found out and phoned him and we argued.
Then when I hung up I realised that it is all about control and he is trying to control me
I emailed the legal expert as I think he may have made a blunder - he is now reducing maintenance because of the financial changes he has made and whereas it doesn't really change the overall situation, it does now look very different, almost controlling what I spend the money on.
This was his response to me not agreeing to contact exactly the way he wanted it and also not agreeing to him taking the kids on holiday with VEW.
When things like this happen I realise how it makes my heart beat faster and the adrenalin starts pumping - fight or flight and of course I fight. But now I refuse to let him control me and have given myself a good talking to. The next time something happens I will remind myself that giving him a reaction isn't going to change the situation - deep breaths!!
Should change this thread to "what an idiot!"
Hello LRH, maybe you could change the title of the thread to "my massive journey" because that is what you are doing right now.
I know you can't go into details about your finances on here, but don't forget that the bottom line is that you can go through the Child Support Agency and receive a percentage of his income, which is paid in cash and therefore for you to choose how it is spent. If he says "I will pay the mortgage" or "I will pay for X but not for Y" then yes, he is choosing. However, being canny, you could have a think about whether what he is paying now is more than you would get through the CSA (in which case it might be worth a bit of compromise to get the extra 
)
BUT I do believe that the most important thing of all is how you are learning to handle the infuriating things that your ex does.......
Felt very low yesterday - exhausted with all the hatred I feel towards the idiot - trying to pull myself back up - it is so hard to keep getting back up from being knocked down
Hi littleredhen, it is exhausting isn't it. Two steps forward one step back all the time, but you are definitely moving forward.
We always advise married people who have split up to seek legal advice as soon as possible so that things do not get murky. I know that you have briefly seen a solicitor, but would you reconsider and start dealing with divorce proceedings? this would help you feel more in control of the situation and also help you with moving forward with your future, rather than have to continue dealing with the past. Things would be set in stone and you would know where you stand.
Its a tricky one Anna - I don't want him to control me but I can't afford a solicitor and really have no inclination to start off the process - he has been married before albeit for 4 months and she walked out on him and divorced him so I am going to let him have his day!
At least that way he will have to pay for it - I doubt he can do very much else to hurt me except if she ended up getting pregnant - I wouldn't be held responsible if that happened - for lots of reasons which I can't go into but our own route to parenthood and then her attitude towards her kids but also her ex had the snip so if she is grasping at straws maybe they will try!
But anyway, can't think about that now - think he has done all he can now so probably won't be surprised by anything else
How are you feeling today littleredhen, despite not being able to post messages too easily. I hope you have had a better day than yesterday 
Heres an emoticon, just in case you were missing them!
There is a message in the Chit Chat regarding your issues posting, I am suggesting Google Chrome, might help solve the issue.
Just downloaded Google chrome - my its fast
I can't say its fast, but I couldn't open the email address I use for scouts on ie. Daughter came into the room, looked at the screen and said use google chrome - I've downloaded it before, but don't notice a difference...
However, it opens my Scouts email account!!
Hooray! Are the posts working better for you then lrh? I see you emoticons are 
Sam (our whizz kid will be pleased)
Glad you can get your Scoutmail sparkling :)
Hi littleredhen,
I have spent the last hour or so reading though all your posts and just wanted to say thank you. I am currently three weeks into my separation and have felt everything you posted on here and just cant see light at the end of the tunnel. After reading this I now have a little bit of hope for the future. I think you have come so far since your first post and hope that in time I can also feel like that.
Thank you xxxx
Hi A1ana, welcome to One Space
Another inspiring post is A bit of a pep talk from someone who is 8 months down the road.
Do feel free to start your own discussion and share what is going on for you. Or join in anywhere you like :)
struggling today - this time last year I had my operation to remove pre cancerous cells in a delicate place - the idiot is going away for a few days with VEW - now I have got it in my head that they started this relationship this time last year and that is why they are going away to celebrate their anniversary. These thoughts are turning me into a horrible person
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day, just wanted to send you hugs and hope you are feeling better soon. I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts knowing he is with her, lets hope they have a horrendous time hun. Hope you feel better soon :( xx
thanks - I keep saying "get this weekend over with" but next weekend we will all be at a swimming competition together so not sure which is the lesser of two evils - I keep thinking they will up the anti next week and perhaps sit holding hands in front of the other parents and kids - they wouldn't would they? nothing would surprise me anymore
Hi lrh. Sitting here praying for extremely bad weather for those two hehe. Try not to guess about why they are going away, your head will be spinning at the end of it all. As for the swimming competition, look the other way, but keep your head held high. Remember you've done nothing wrong. You're there for the girls, and for them only. Chin up, hope you're okay.
thanks hazeleyes
Hello LRH
I know this is hard to do but it is important to start seeing yourself as completely separate from him, in other words what HE does is unimportant. Who cares if he is away for the weekend or is at the swimming gala? It is what YOU do that matters. Just let him get on with it and focus on yourself and your own nice plans
I know Louise- he is like a headache - its in my head and I can't get rid of these stupid thoughts - I am rowing with the kids and its not their fault
I always have a permenant stash paracetamol...
You will get over the not so good bits with the children. It does take time
Good point Louise.
I seem to be back going down hill again sadly. I know I shouldn't care what he is up to but I have found it awful this weekend gone, just thinking that they are having a great time with no responsibilities and here I am doing everything as usual.
I have been on the phone to the helplines twice a day for the last three days
Had a terrible row with eldest and I told her that I hated her dad
omg I can't believe I said that.
Feeling so rotten and terrible just don't know how to pick myself up again
It's hard for you to make the adjustment, LRH. You know that whatever he does you have your own life to lead but the emotional transition is not so easy. If we think of the grief curve then at the moment you are swinging backwards and forwards between two extremes, feeling terrible and feeling quite feisty and confident.The pendulum WILL settle down, it is just exhausting while it does so.
You can't take the words back that you said to your daughter but we have all said things we regret, just move forward. When you feel calmer, talk to her and explain that you did not mean you hated HIM, but you do hate what he has done to the family.
Take care of yourself
thanks for your words of advice Louise
Thinking of you, LRH
I used to feel the same lrh.
xx
Oh, you poor thing, lrh - sorry I didn't read this yesterday!
I had the same problem with my first husband when he was still seeing them. But it turned into something else soon, when I found out that he didn't actually spend any real time with them even when he had them. They'd go to a soft play centre (so they'd run around and he'd sit and read the paper) and then to the clown restaurant (not a very healthy option).
My No3 son blames himself that the ejit doesn't see them anymore as he says he called him by my second husband's name once.
You will get used to the situation. Just think that at least your children's dad is taking an interest and trying to be a dad. I know that doesn't really help you at the moment. Try to find something for YOU to do when they're away and think of him as your babysitter. Maybe that will work. Sending you a huge hug x
thanks for all your lovely messages - I guess I do feel a little selfish posting when really it is about self pity when people like sparkling are dealing with so much sadness.
However, you have all convinced me to post anyway.
I can't really put my finger on how I feel - I seem to have started waking in the middle of the night again with a huge hollow feeling in my stomach just like I used to when he first left. I also have that horrible feeling of loss just like I did when he first left.
I am dreading this weekend and the swimming competition as I know they will both be there and I haven't seen them together for a while so I don't know how they will be around each other.
I just don't seem to know how to behave - I want to just get on with it but I can't somehow.
I did sit down with eldest yesterday and apologised and said as someone on here had said - it is your dad's behaviour that I am angry at and hate - she seemed to accept it and she too apologised so it very peaceful on the homefront.
I just seem to feel completely bewildered by my feelings as if I am back at the begining again.
I have a hospital check up tomorrow for my pre-cancerous cells op that I had this time last year - my last check up was 6 months ago so I guess things are still ok but I also have to have a scan on my liver next week as previous blood tests showed up high liver function so could be a problem - I hardly drink and used to be very overweight - I have lost a lot of weight and this may mean scan is ok so don't feel too worried about appointments.
Had a good day at school - teacher had to go to a meeting so I was dealing with the class myself on 3 occasions and they were great and listened so I was really proud of myself cos they can be a difficult class.
Just seem to be all over the place and don't know why - early days I guess - thanks for listening!
Morning LRH
Thanks for explaining where you are at the moment. It does sound as if you are feeling very much "back to square one" emotionally.
There are some other worries on the horizon too, with your health although it sounds as if these WILL be resolvable, I do know what you mean though, that they can hang over your head until you get the definite all clear, and there is no-one to support you and sympathise with your feelings. Also there is the swimming gala to face, which feels pretty daunting.
It's good that you cleared things up with your daughter.
LRH have you been getting any anti-depressant treatment from your doctor? If yes then go and talk to them again, if no then go and talk to them in the first place...the waking at night is not good and it may be that you are stuck in a depressive phase. In the very beginning, when you joined us, I said that it took me about nine months to start feeling Ok-ish. You are six months down the line now and I would exepct that you would be starting to come up for air.....you did seem to have felt a lot better recently but now things have changed, Of course everyone will have bad days and groups of days but if this feeling has lasted more than two weeks or so, then it is time to get some help from your doctor. You also need to tell them about the anxiety you have had at times, when you need to phone the Helplines to calm you and that feeling you talked about "I want to get on with it but I can't somehow" I am not one for taking pills and potions but had six months on anti depressants when it was all going on for me. Later in the process I developed severe anxiety but managed that on my own.
Can you go and have a chat to your GP?
thanks Louise - I didn't take the anti d's offered to me previously but took St Johns Wort - the doctor told me I need to be not taking it prior to my liver scan but I think I will get some today ready to take after Tues.
I did think about asking for anti d's because I fee,l a little, as though I may be depressed.
I think my frustration is how low I feel and my inability to move on - its just not like me - I usually, and even in the early days, could talk myself into pulling myself together but now it feels as if it is going to overwhelm me
Thanks for all your words of wisdom - they really help
We are all here for you. The "lack of motivation" you mention is a really significant feature of depression so I am glad you will get checked out.
Thanks again.
Its a beautiful day here and we are going shopping then out for a late lunch - I woke over an hour ago so am going to read my book for a while - got the dreaded competition tomorrow but trying to enjoy today before thinking about that.
Hope everyone has a good day
Hello LRH, been thinking of you.
That was an early morning! Did you have some early morning snow like us? I went to the loo at 6am and was really amazed when I peeped out the curtains.
Glad you have a nice day planned, I think that is a good thought, not to let the inevitable diffcult times encorach on the nice ones.
Just received another solicitors letter to ruin my Saturday (if I let it!)
TUT, how typical. I think you're right though....IF you let it. Try not to let it spoil things
Don't let it spoil your weekend.
I have tried not to let up but it didn't take much to get me annoyed - had a disagreement with eldest and then I felt terrible - I know I am so angry at him but I end up rowing with the kids - its not fair.
Got the competition today and can't sleep that is why up early again - got the Rescue Remedy in bag but feeling dreadful - don't even know if VEW will be there but I am guessing she will be. People tell me to leave him to it and not go but there is no way I could not go and see my girls swim - I would feel worse sitting at home and not being there for them so its not an option really.
Hope everyone else has a good day
Yes, it is all about the least worse option....Not much I can say to help you get through the day except one method I use (and you may think I am bonkers). In a difficult situation, I sometimes pretend I am a character in a film. That enables me to "detach" from my strongest emotions (of course once I get home then it all comes flooding out but I have coped with the stuation I needed to face) You can be your own scriptwriter so you could be anything from a romantic heroine to a spy, sent to detect the saboteur at the pool.
The issue of your anger is something that you have now identified clearly as being anger at your children's dad and yet somehow it comes out with the kids. I think one of the keys to helping this will be finding another outlet for your anger so that you have let off enough steam to help you cope. What do you think that might be?
There are some tools on the site that could help you. There's a Anger Management article and also an assertiveness course. Both worth having a look at
In the meantime, chin up for today and hope you get through Ok
Hi lrh. Sorry you've been feeling so 'down' recently. I've not been going through all the threads for the past few days, so really sorry that I have missed yours. How did the check-up go for the pre-cancer? They are brilliant at keeping a check on us aren't they, but of course it is still a huge worry, especially when there's no one really to talk to about it.
Really hope the swimming goes okay today. You have every right to be there for the girls, so don't let the fact that she might be there put you off. xx
I do hope you'll be ok today.
Thanks everyone - I survived - VEW kept a low profile (must have something to be ashamed of methinks!)
It wasn't easy and I have a stinking headache but all my friends there were very supportive
I have bought a book called Getting past your breakup - very interesting reading
Hoping for an early night
Thanks again for your support
Glad it went okay lrh, and especially pleased to hear that she kept a low profile. In fact, she probably felt more out of place than you did to be honest. At least you were supported by your friends, so you weren't totally on your own either. Hope the headache clears, I would say it's a tension one. Go carefully, and have a good relaxing sleep, now today is over with. x
Glad you got through it
check up went fine - all clear - to be seen again in 6 months
now onto my liver scan which is Tues - will let you know when I get the results
got to remember not to eat or drink anything tomorrow morning!
That's good news lrh. Best of luck for tomorrow
Well done LRH, you have overcome a really big hurdle Hope your head feels better this morning.
Good luck for your scan tomorrow. I had one a while ago and they are not painful. Glad you got the all clear on the other test
Thanks
I have just done something for myself for a change - as a child I used to be mad about horses - I have just emailed a local riding stables to see if I can go riding again - wow - so excited - hope they don't say I am too fat!
Very brave...
I rode a few horses when I was young, and think there was only one I didn't fall off!! Mind you, I always got back on.
Nowadays I like it when they're the other side of a gate.
Have a lovely time
Woo hoo littleredhen, three cheers for you - you have done something for yourself, that you love! I hope that you hear back from the stables soon, that will be fantastic!
You will be able to escape from all what is going on in your head and be free for an hour or two a week.
Great job!
lrh, glad your back and feeling more positive.