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I realise it is very early days but i have this horrible feeling inside all the time - like a huge hole.
I have been keeping a diary and have written down a lot of my feelings - i think i know deep down that i don't really want to be with him anymore - he clearly doesn't want to be with me and has been unpleasant on the last occasion i tried to have a one to one conversation with him. He is fine with me when the kids are around. I want this horrible feeling to go away and i want to live my life again - i know i am being impatient. It is hard when there are kids involved cos we have to keep seeing each other.
I suppose 16 years can't be swept under the carpet. I am finding it so hard
Thank you hazeleyes - i have never been known for my patience and i started counselling last week too but i wish the thoughts going round my head would stop like what is he doing and where is he going. He could easily find out what we are up to as he could text the kids (although he hasn't asked that question yet) but i don't have a right to ask him and my imagination is running away with me and hurting me
Hi littleredhen,
I am an impatient sort of person too, and always impatient with myself. However I can tell you that it took about nine months to feel Ok after my separation. That does not mean it was nine months of misery..far from it, but certainly a few months down the line before I could begin to put it behind me but hey that is not surprising. Hazeleyes is right: baby steps.
One of our other members also bought this...don't know if it is something you would be interested in? Anna may have already sent you the link for this article but I am posting it in case we haven't suggested it to you yet.
Just imagine if you had something going on for 16 years, for example you had a limp, and then all of a sudden your foot got straightened out.....would you be able to walk straight on Day One? No.....it would take time and practice and that's the path you are on right now!
I don't know what the answer is to that one, except perhaps try to keep as busy as you can, so you're not able to give as much thought to him and what he's doing. I'm sure this is all normal though, as I used to always wonder what ex's were doing, and sure they were having a better time than me lol. How did the counselling go?
Thanks both - the counselling was great - she acknowledged my feelings and when i talked about why i suspected an affair she kind of agreed that what had happened was inappropriate if not a full blown affair and if he couldn't accept that then no wonder i was feeling as i was - i have another session booked for this coming week - funnily enough this was supposed to be for the problems within our marriage but my dh gave up on us before i could have my first appointment - ironic eh!
great article Louise - thanks - am going to print it and read it several times a day
Hello littleredhen,
I know how you feel, and it really is horrible, and I know you just want it to end as quickly as possible...but that is a great article, and it has to be what it is...It's just that it seems to give us the feelings of vulnerability which leads our minds to make us then feel 'needy' and isolated..they're the feelings I hate the most, because I know I'm not really that sort of person.
It's going to be hard because you have to find yourself again, the person you once were before them, and so it will take time, because you have spent so long as part of a team...
That's a really good point, Mich: we do indeed need to "find ourselves" again and it is about forging our new identity as a single person
hi littleredhen, how are you doing? counselling does help and mich is right we do have to find ourselves again as hard as it may seem to do
Hi littleredhen, I have just read that someone else wrote all their emotions and feelings down in a notebook and then when finally she felt she had come through to the other side, she burnt it!
I love that idea. All the times that you want to contact him, go and write it down. It does feel strange after years of knowing their every move to be left high and dry, but it does change.
Mich mentioned finding yourself again, I found this such a useful thing to do, when I split with my ex, I realised I hadn't really been on my own for longer than a few months (ha ha I was young then!) Anyway I actually went back to being 13 again for a while! Crazy huh! I felt I had missed so much of my youth and growing up because of men and how I had neglected me for them.
It was great and now I am a happier person than I have ever been. Life certainly does move on and we do grow.
I am glad you are seeing a counsellor and it is working out for you, when is your next appointment?
Thanks everyone - i still wake up and have this horrible feeling of this huge hole and today has been terrible. We met yesterday and talked over finances - he suggested i got on with tax credits etc and he needed to know if there was money for him to rent somewhere (all of which i knew was coming) I spent the day crying on the phone to tax credit staff and council tax staff and bank staff!! It was funny in one sense cos they were mostly guys so happy to ignore my sobs and get on with the job in hand
I have spent a lot of time (when not on the phone) crying realising that it is over between us (as if i didn't know!)
When we met yesterday we ended up rowing because as usual we were miscommunicating - I said / You said / I meant/ You meant type of stuff.
Eventually i called a halt to it all and burst into tears and told him we must stop arguing as we have to get on so we can sort the kids out.
So although i feel horrible today i feel as if i am coming around to the situation and dealing with it a little bit at a time.
Counselling is tomorrow night - i am still writing down my feelings - my biggest problem is that i believe there is someone else - long story which i don't want to go into - he says she is a friend - I don't believe him but unfortunately we all end up at stuff for the kids at least once a week at the moment and everytime i see her i get mad and then i get mad with him and it all starts again!
Deep breaths!!
So I am trying to tell myself why would i want someone who doesn't want me and reading the articles listed so i can turn my life around.
Hoping to get back to work on Thursday
Danced to Michael Jackson on the wii with my 10 year old - it felt good
Thanks for all your support
hui littleredhen crying is good specially as yours in the early stages and you have still got alot to sort out . deep breaths and tiny steps is what is needed to start off with . someone else told me to wriet how i was feeling and then when i felt right and stronger burn it . i do write down things that have gone on and it does help to sort things out in my own way .
i did that dance 2 on the wil with my son and my ex saw us having fun and laughter and he couldnt handle it and went out the room, this was before he did what he did but yay it still made me feeling good too
Thanks Shaz - i have also been reading the articles on self esteem and how to mend a broken heart they definitely help too
hi how are you today littleredhen ? yes the articles on here are good i read them too take each day as it comes and aloow yourself to cry its only natural
I think music and mad dancing has got me and the children so much.
I sobbed so much when claiming benefits, and I have to say everyone was so kind.
Agree about the mad dancing.
Anna, I had a time of teenager-hood as well after my separation from my boys' dad, it was fab
Little red hen, I know crying can feel exhausting but it is actually very healing, there are a lot of stress hormones in tears, just think about letting them all out. Once the first raw grief subsides, you may find that anger kicks in and BOY, anger is very energising!! Just go with it and look after yourself.
Hi littleredhen
Don't often get the chance to dance like a mad in my house i usually get laughed at or told that i can't dance ("thats how old people dance apparently").
How are you feeling today? do you have plans for the weekend?
Hi Sally - not had a good weekend - my ex turned up unannounced on Friday - we had been trying to sort out selling car and buying 2 cars - so he just arrived walked in house and said he was going to take car up to dealers to sell - this in itself was ok but the turning up without telling me and walking in the house made me annoyed. I did tell him that he was being unfair but when we took the car back to the dealer on Saturday i was really upset - the car is just a car but he is moving on with his life and i feel stuck.
Ended up having a miserable weekend - he was going out with his mates last night (or other woman - which i am still not sure if its real or not!) so he was living it up while i was having a bad time. I keep telling myself why would i be so bothered over someone who isn't bothered about me but oh if life was that simple
Well yes, and not good just to walk in like that. I presume he still has a key? in which case I would have a bolt fitted and fasten that too, so he has to knock on the door. I also think he should have asked before he came round, do you feel able to write a letter to him saying now that we have separated I need you to contact me before comning round so that I can tell you if it is convenient?
Sorry you had such a miserable weekend. You are not going to feel better overnight, and it's natural still to feel bad. If someone close to you died you would not expect yourself to be over it in a matter of weeks, would you? and really you are going through the same process.
Did you have a look at that link to the Paul McKenna book?
Hi littleredhen. Sorry you had a bad weekend. Hopefully next weekend will be a better one 
Louise is right, he can't just turn up and let himself in. He should be asking if and when it's convenient to pop round to discuss things. Hope you're okay tonight.
hi - oh i told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't acceptable - trouble was i was trying to give him the impression that it didn't matter but my anger got the better of me - he was most apologetic and when he came to pick the kids up on Saturday he rang the doorbell and waited till the kids opened the door. I think i was upset because he seemed in a desparate hurry to sell the car - we had spoken about it at the beginning of the week and then when he asked if he could have the car Sat night after bringing girls back and i said no (cos i had arrangements) he suddenly turned up and got on with selling it and when i said what is the hurry and that he could do it on wednesday when he is here for the kids he tried to deny there was a hurry but it didn't really add up and i became suspicious/angry/upset etc!
bought the Paul McKenna book - but i want it to work now!!
Not known for my patience.
I will keep my key in the door so he can't get in but i don't want to ask for his key back at moment as i am trying to keep things friendly and he is having kids on wed and will need key to get in and out. I think he is clear that he did the wrong thing but i don't think i handled it well!
hi littleredhen that is what i did keep the key in the door so they had to knock to get in. my ex didnt like it much nor did he like it wed last week when he came with the police to gather some of his things that i said no he could come in nor could he enter the garden . that soon wiped his face and he could go mad as the police were here , they had to be as my ex is on bail .
you will , i did feel like why should they live it up and you are left with the kids but deep breaths . when i did see mine he did ask if i thought he was looking good , fit i said that no not really did i think he had lost weight etc i said nope he wasnt through worry that he had lost weight through all the sex he was having has he hadnt lost the last bit of hair he had due to stress the i laughed and he didnt like it but tough like im going to sy how wonderful he is after the lying mine did !
you will breath again it takes time and im like you in away i want things done and to be over with now but these things will take time . at the min your emotions will be running high mine was but do keep the key in the door mine used to come for breakfast and even ask for his tea 3 times in the first week like a fool i did it but my emotions were high soon changed.
Hi littleredhen
Sorry to hear that your weekend did not go so good, and i know what you mean about not having a lot of patience, i am that way too
Something that works for me is to have some sort of goal or activity, last time i learnt to crochet of the internet and crocheted my four children fingerless gloves, they now have a collection of headbands, scarfs, little booties that got made in to an advent calender and my most recent project a blanket/throw made out of granny squares.
Amazing what you can learn on the internet, and i find my wool in charity shops, so cheap too. Have you anything new you want to try?
Hi littleredhen
It sounds as though your ex listened to you when you said he couldn't just walk in and he rang the doorbell.
You know your patience is quite short and I really hope you get to work on this with your counsellor, when is your next session? It sounds from your posts that in the long run, both you and your ex want to keep an amicable relationship and that is really worth working on.
It is still very early days, how are you feeling this week?
I am seeing counsellor next week as i only get 4 sessions paid through work and she was worried that it might not be long enough so she suggested we miss a week.
I am not that great to be honest - I asked ex to have girls tomorrow due to strike action and then i get home at 3pm but he has to take youngest to training at 5.30pm so i asked him if he planned to head off somewhere in between me getting home and the training and he said he didn't know. i asked him tonight if he could get youngest from Guides as someone had let me down on swimming run and he said he could now he had rearranged things. Does he not get it - i don't want to know what he is doing or what he has to rearrange - my life is busy and i have two kids to care for i can't be bothered with his stuff as well. it just makes me see red - everytime we text for something it seems to end in me being annoyed.
Unfortunately you only hurt yourself when you get angry...not that I am suggesting you hurt other people, but what I am saying is that anger won't achieve anything, and of course it stops you thinking more clearly. Have a look at this article about ways to manage this.
Of course today is extra hard with the school strike....but do have a think about your routine. if the children have a lot of activities, this will cause ongoing stress for you as you race around getting them from A to B, with your work as well. I am not saying stop all activities, I am saying cut yourself a bit of slack. Mine could choose one activity each (as that was all I can afford) but even then I had my hands full
Hi
My ex wouldn't help. I'd have "no" in reply to texts, although I did quickly learn not to ask.
Do you have set contact times?
he finally told me it was all over between us today - spent the afternoon talking bank accounts, contact and christmas - feels like day one all over again - so sad
(((hugs)))
hugs sent deep breaths yes sparklinglime i got that too 'no' if i asked for anything i even got that if i wanted to go out then i had to give him a months notice to see if he could have the kids so i found other to help .
littleredhen i get where you are coming from they seem to want to let us know what they are doing now like we are going to care when we have the kids and the pieces to pick up. yes there are times when you will feel like you have taken a step back i did and even now when i have my down days i feel like that. mine is hard as he cant see the kids at the min either and any memeber of his family are not wanting to see them either which hurts but we will get through this hugs sent x hope you are ok today stay strong it is hard x
Oh that is so hard for you, I am sorry....although in one sense it makes things slightly easier as at least you know where you stand. The reality will hit in one big bang. take the time to grieve...this is one thing where you really DO have to be patient. it is one day at a time......and actually one HOUR at a time, just in these early days.
We are here for you
Thanks Shaz and Louise - i woke up on 1st Dec and thought to myself new month new life - i know it is still very early days but i am reading my book I can mend your broken heart by Paul McKenna and i get up every morning and tell myself why would i want someone who doesn't want me (not sure i wanted him back anyway!)
The funny thing was that on Wed when he dropped the kids off i handed him a carrier bag of stuff from the bathroom and he really got the huff - the next day i emailed him and said if he was going to be rude and off hand when he brought the kids back could he please drop them at the door - to my surprise he said he was upset because i had removed two photographs of us dancing at our wedding and because i had handed him some stuff as if i wanted to erase him from my life (now let me think that one over!!!) joking apart i was astounded - i just said that i thought he might need the toiletries in the bag and i couldn't bear looking at the photos anymore - not that i need to explain myself to him. Now trying to think of way that i can really change the house - just so he is left under no illusion that i do want to erase him completely!
Have a good weekend everyone
I really think it is a good idea to put your own stamp on your living space and if you are able to, your bedroom is a good place to start. You don't have to even do anything like painting if you don't want to: rearrange the room, maybe a new duvet cover, a picture on the wall that is YOUR choice. I am not surprised to hear that you wanted to take the wedding pics down, wow, what does he expect, that your home will remaina shrine??? Try not to engage in discussion about it though, it is hard to break that habit of chatting things over with someone, I know, when you first split up, but it's important to set new boundaries now.
Well done on how you are doing!
You're doing well.
Hi littleredhen. Hope you have a good weekend.
not a good weekend - i was upset - won't go into detail - got cross with him and told him so - he came to house and collected all his stuff and i mean everything while i was out on Sunday (i had agreed to that) so sad when i came back Sunday night to find it all gone - had a huge breakdown and cried so hard it hurt. Today new day and Wed counselling - still feeling sad but know i have to move on - trying to get back into my book again and doing the exercises so i can move on - thanks again for the support everyone
Hi littleredhen, it was completely normal to have a bit of a breakdown, walking back into your home and finding 'him' removed, it is almost like starting again. But what you felt is an expression of loss and maybe a bit of a wobble about the future, which is all fine.
This isn't going to all blow over in a couple of days. You have to give your self time to readjust to the loss, the new situation and the new future.
Good luck with counselling today, it won't change things over night, but hopefully it will help having someone to share your feelings with, who can help you readjust to your new life.
How were the children seeing all his stuff gone? Are there things that you are going to need to replace?
hi littleredhen i know what you mean when you saw all his things gone it is like a smack in the face it becomes real. mine wasnt when his clothes went it was when he came the other week for some of his things and they went from the shed that got me but the weekend we went up there and had a move around and the remaining things i had stuffed into a corner. mine was a shock as due to what he as done he had to have the police here so that wasnt nice.
these thigs we cant put a time tag on it to say when we will feel ok it is a process that we have to go through and only time will tell but we will feel better and be stronger. and at this early stage you will have ups and downs and cry i still do cry now and mine as been 7months . hope the counselling goes well
Sorry I haven't been by for a while littleredhen...
But I don't know if you have been reading my thread, but I completely swear by Paul McKenna...BUT I would suggest that you put his CD onto an I-Pod, then listen to that when you go to bed. It has panning with the voices so that you will hear them in one ear, both ears, then in the middle of your head it seems. It will re-program your sub conscious to then help your conscious thoughts change, and this will have a physical effect on you as well for the better...
It is so hard just trying to let go, and at the moment your thoughts and emotions are all over the place, and so overwhelming too....You are doing the right things though...The only other things that I can say have really helped me are trying the no contact rule( which is hard with younger children involved), but it will help you get through it better, and trying to get out and about and meet new people...try meetup.com for groups in your area...They don't have to be expensive meet ups either...but you will start to meet new people and build new friendships too..
Keep chatting here to us...hugs xx
Hi littleredhen, just wanted to say i hope the counselling goes well today and let us know how it went for you?
went to counselling last night but not sure it is helping - i am lucky to have an amazing sister who does a great job of listening (every day!) so when i spoke to the counsellor last night i just felt i was repeating myself. i feel like so much has changed - different cars, he has a flat, taken all his stuff, seems to be meeting up with this 'friend' and i am just trying to keep myself together!
i have good days and bad days but it seems to be that every other day there is something that puts me right back to square one and i seem to cry even more than i did before!
littleredhen i am sorry that your couselling did not go so well, am i right in thinking this was your first session? Will you being going again? When i had couselling the first session was all about talking about why i was there! and like yourself i felt i was repeating myself, this improved at the next session.
Your sister sounds great, it's normal to feel all up and down, things are still in the early days and you were together for a long time that will take some adjusting too.
What plans do you have for the weekend?
no it was my third session - i like my counsellor but i think the problem is that i feel like i have talked about it all before - i only get one more session paid for by my work - not sure what i expected from the counselling really - she does validate my feelings etc but when i talk things over i feel a bit like i am ranting and it doesn't change anything
for weekend it is more activities which i find hard as ex will be there and other person that i am concerned he is seeing - don't want to go into detail in case they are members!
i just want a weekend where i can do stuff for myself - he is having them next Sat so i am trying to plan something for me!
That will be good if you can do some things for yourself at the weekend
With only four sessions it is hard to know what "change" you can realistically expect your counselling to achieve. The space is there for you to use as you wish and if you want a rant then go ahead. There is something about accepting that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves and how we react to the way others behave. Perhaps if the next session is to be your last you and your counsellor could think about ways that you can cope with your continuing feelings and positivr strategies you can employ
Should change the title to be "its only been a month" I am having one good day followed by 2 or 3 bad days. I am convinced he is seeing someone else and i find that really hard. i keep telling myself why would i want someone who doesn't want me but it doesn't always help. we have to have a lot of contact because of the kids but i need to try and distance myself from him. today i have cleaned out the cupboard with his stuff in - i thought he had taken everything last weekend but there were a few things so i have bagged them up and will give him them next week. it feels good to get rid of his stuff. i am dreading christmas - i asked him to join us for something to eat but then we had an argument- not sure whether he is still coming and don't really want to ask - will leave it till next week and see how the land lies. when i saw him last night he said he would be in touch with the kids making it very clear he didn't have anything to say to me - in reality i would like to be friendly with him but he has hurt me so much that it will take time. my older daughter was cross with me yesterday and told me it was all my fault that her dad left - i know she is hurting but that was like a punch in the stomach.
I have had that from my eldest and quietly took it until he was older.
Last year he asked and I told him. He was 18, and went very quiet after. I didn't elaborate, just answered his question. It has made him realise that choices were made and that I had to deal with them.
He still loves his Dad mind...
Yes, it IS awful when they blame you......mind you that might be because that is what feels "safest" to her. She does not want to believe the alternatives, which are that her dad left her or that it is her own fault. Younger children will sometimes tend to blame themselves and that can be heart-rending whereas with teenagers it is a case of anything rather than it be their fault so they wildly look for someone else to blame, and the parent with care is often the one that gets it in the neck
Seem to be having a bad few days - i have been mad that my ex has been out all weekend and i have not been able to do anything myself because i come 2nd when it comes to childcare - it seems all my responsibility - i also think he is seeing someone else and also everytime we get in touch it turns into a row - i seem to be angry all the time and i can't let things go - please help someone
MODERATOR'S NOTE: THE POST BELOW WAS ONA DIFFERENT THREAD AND i HAVE AMALGMATED THEM TO REPLY TO THE OVERALL SITUATION
I seem to be angry all the time at the moment - its only been a month
but i feel like i have been left with everything to organise.
We
have sorted out contact this Sat and another date but apart from that he
will be picking up youngest on a Wed to go out to a regular activitiy
and i asked him to do a trip every Thurs which involves a 20 min run in
the car but there will be 2 other kids in car so no opportunity for them
to talk much - other than that i feel angry that he doesn't even offer
if there is anything else he can do - he seems so busy with his own
social life i feel he is paying lip service to seeing the kids but i
have been angry all weekend and then i end up rowing with the kids -
please help me to stop this i am making us all unhappy - i want to not
care what he is doing and i want to be independent and get on with my
own life instead of asking him to do things - its kind of at odds with
what i am feeling
Oh little red hen I am sorry to hear you are so fed up and cross. Unfortunately (and this is something many of us on here get annoyed about) there is no mechanism to force the other parent to have contact or to take responsibility. The parent who is deemed to have majority care does receive the Child Benefit etc for them but it is also a case of "the buck stops here". It must be particularly infuriating if you suspect he is swanning around with a new partner while you are left with all the chores and responsibility.
Anger can be very energising but it can also be tiring, and you are not achieving anything other than making yourself unhappy with this emotion. As you feel the familiar signs of anger, learn to override them with different feelings.....see our article here on Anger Management.
I would suggest that one way to feel better about things is to have things you can do for yourself whether or not he sees the children. This means putting your own arrangements in place. Is your eldest old enough to be left for a short while if your youngest is on a sleepover? or do you need to think about babysitters? have a read of this article. Although it is about Making New friends it could also be retitled Making new contacts, and this mightbe just what you need when it comes to childcare.
Can't afford sitters? Make an arrangement with another parent to look after each other's children, or maybe you can find a sitter who would agree to be paid in a different way. For example, when my youngest was small, an older lady used to sit for me and in return I took her to the supermarket every week and helped her out with errands.
So now comes the million dollar question: what things would you like to do for yourself?
Hi littleredhen. Like your title says, it's only been a week, so what you're feeling is so new and natural. Even though you realise that you don't want to be with him anymore, a whole chunk of your life has just gone. Writing down your feelings is a good idea, as sometime later on, whether thats weeks, months, you'll read it back, and see how far you have come. Take baby steps to begin with, and you will get there. xx