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Evening littleredhen,
I've just been reading your posts, I did the same thing, I hung onto every word, full stop, kept re-reading his words and in the end I thought "WHY"!,kept ow I keep all communication very brief but to the point and talked in a tone like he was a business associate that I'd never met!, although not in a friendly way, just I guess a cautious/ unemotional way. But, if I felt the urge to let rip or send abuse I wrote it out and either emailed it to my dad or texted it to my mum!, they said they'd rather read it rather than me lower myself and let him know he was getting to me. Good luck and keep your chin up.
Big hugs x x x
That's good to hear, Cha Cha 
Good morning LRH and how are you feeling? How has the week been after that horrid Monday morning?
Its the same old stuff that keeps coming back to haunt me - contact!
He sees the kids regularly but without much effort on his part - I don't want to write what happened this week for fear of being identified but i will try and explain - he was due to see one of the kids for a short time in the week as an exception to the norm - he had been offered this at least a month ago - i expected an hour contact time and he contacted me a few days before and said it would be a 15 minute contact time - outraged on my daughter's behalf. she didn't even give it a backwards glance - how sad is that - either that or she is pretending it doesn't bother her.
I can no longer sit and say nothing - whether he chooses to respond is another matter - once its said i will leave it up to him to let his relationship with his kids fizzle out because he can't be bothered
Aw, lrh, I know what that's like. You're prepared to make every effort just for the children and the 'other half' doesn't seem to be bothered at all. Really haven't got any tips - the children will know that it's not you who's stopping things from happening!
Big hug xx
I remember my ex taking them out, I went to shop, had to abandon the trolley as I had a text to say he was taking them home... He gave them 15 minutes.
All you can do is leave it to him lrh. Your lot will now you've done what you can.
How hurtful! And when I think of all the parents I have worked with over the years who did not have day to day care of the children and were longing to see them more, or to see them at all....
oh he didn't like being told that he wasn't very commited to time with the kids so now he has decided to cut the money - he is still paying more than he should but now he is controlling it - i have had advice over this and there isn't anything i can do as i will lose even more if i kick up a fuss
Aw lrh sorry to hear that, it is really difficult when others act selfishly. Have you spoken with your daughter to see if she is bothered about the lack of contact?
the problem is she dismisses it but i am not convinced that she is not bothered but now he is taking the financial tack then he can get on with organising his own contact and i will no longer put suggestions forward - he will be answerable to them from now on -
although I didn't doubt it at the beginning I am certain now that the idiot is trying to force my hand to get legal advice so he can follow a process to divorce
If he had been honest with me from the beginning and perhaps told me that he wanted me out of the house etc maybe I would have got legal advice and we would have done things in a civil manner.
Unfortunately he has behaved like a complete idiot and so selfishly that he can go and whistle for his divorce - if he thinks I am going to make this easy then he obviously doesn't know me
Why would I roll over and lie down just so he can get everything he wants
I am cross - in fact I am very cross but I don't want to be bitter and twisted and hateful about things but if he wants a divorce he can get the ball rolling
The last contact I had with him showed him in his true colours - he said that it was as if I resented him spending his free time on himself when he works full time - ooh now let me think - yeh! he got that right - his kids should come first - shouldn't they?
Hi LRH, I am not surprised you are angry! I guess for me it is not so much a case of his children "should" come first but why would he not want to spend time with them? I know that others have faced this question and been through the process and it is a very hurtful business.
Have you had some legal advice anyway? I think it is a good idea, just so you know where you are batting. The money issue: it would be good if you could eventually break free of the control he exerts over you with this aspect and live indepently, with the "regulation" amount of child support...I feel sure that some of the anger you are going through is because you do not feel in control of "what happens next" and feel cornered into starting divorce porceedings when you don't want to do this. But do find out the legal stuff anyway. Knowledge is power, as they say.
Please try to have a decent weekend and enjoy the lovely sunshine, it is only going to be this warm for a few days,
stuck indoors at competitions all weekend 
but girls are doing well so I shouldn't complain
can't believe the idiot came up to me and asked me if i was speaking to him yesterday - i asked him what did he want to speak about and he just huffed off!
i have had legal advice from emailing the experts on here and i know in the end i will need to get legal advice but i want to know what he wants - then i can have a think about what i want to do - i can't get time off during school hours to go and see a solicitor and then i have the kids to take care of so if the idiot tells me what he wants then that is a start - i know what i want (apart from him to leave me alone and go away!)
off to another competition this morning - enjoy the sunshine everyone
Hope the weekend's competitions continue to go well. That was a good answer when your girls' dad spoke to you yesterday! Does it feel to you as if he will eventually be the one to put a plan to you?
Hope the competitions go well lrh.
Hey LRH, sorry you're stuck indoors, but well done to your girls!
You say you are not going to make it easy for him - and that is fine - but don't make it harder for yourself in the process (if you know what I mean). Find out what you want and don't hang around waiting for him to tell you what he wants because what you want shouldn't really take his wants into consideration (unless, of course, it affects the children).
Big hug to you x
three gold medals and a silver
the idiot is being really unpleasant but i am not letting it get to me - i have asked him to write to me or talk to me with his proposals but he is hung up on me not having a lawyer that his lawyer can write to - weird.
oh well no doubt each letter he is sending is costing £50 so that's over £200 he has spent when one would have done with his proposals in it! must have more money than sense - oh thats right - he isn't paying me maintenance anymore so he must be using that for that
Excellent about the girls' swimming!
I think Hopeful has made a fantastic point there: yes, don't make it easy for him but don't make it any harder on yourself. It would be good if you were able to work out exactly what you want to happen from the situation as then you would have a starting point for any discussions and negotiations.
I wonder if you are wanting to stall the process, to buy more time living in your current house and worrying that any move forward will also mean a house move that you don't want? I am just remembering how scary it felt when I was at the same stage you are now. That's ok if that is where you are at...but it is good to make a plan for the future and have it ready, up your sleeve, heh heh. Then it might feel as if you have a bit more control; I know that your girls' dad has tried to be a bit of a steamroller in the past.
What do you think?
Yes Louise it is exactly that - I don't see anything to gain from having a separation agreement - if he is allowed to sell the house there will be very little money each - he will be ok to go on and get a mortgage and a nice place to live and we will end up somewhere I don't even want to think about - I can't afford to rent but probably won't be able to get a council house - I have been through all this as a child and I am so miserable thinking that my children will also have to go through this but I will have to go through it again - the reality is harsh. If we sell and we get a bit of money we will have to use that for the rent until we have nothing left and then we will have to move again
I just don't see that any of this will be in mine or the girls best interest - this is about him wanting a new life
That's really tough. I wonder if sparkling will be able to tell you more about her experiences of all this as it does sound similar. But as you say, you don't want to face it at the moment, don't blame you. Half term is coming and I hope you have some nice things planned for you and the girls, concentrate on that to start with.
we don't have half term here in Scotland - we finish school for the summer on 29th June!
Didn't they do well?? You must be feeling so proud of them.
Blimey, holidays will soon be with you.
Ooh yes I knew you finished earlier but didnt realise that there was no halfterm, wow, not long to go now
Congratulations to your daughters lrh. Can imagine how proud you are.
Thinking of moving to Scotland now, just for the lengthy summer hols
you would be very welcome but we go back on Aug 20th - so no longer than in England - we just don't get half term in May!
oh and thanks for congratulations
This comment has been moved here.
hi tinkerbell2012 - welcome to the boards - i am sorry to hear of your domestic abuse - I would start your own thread and you will get lots of helpful advice - we are a friendly bunch here
MODERATOR: new thread started for Tinkerbell2012, see above
well I think I am finally finished try to communicate with the idiot.
He plays games with me and i have had enough - I have had advice that he can only play games with me if i let him but i am not prepared for him to send snidey remarks by email and not reply - but I won't be replying anymore - i am done trying to communicate - i was so upset today that i was crying on my way to work and just before my eldest had a presentation we were attending together.
I am not going to try and ask him anything anymore - i would rather stay in every night for the rest of my life than ask anything of him - cutting my nose off to spite my face - you betcha!
Awww lrh. Hope you're okay. The advice you've had is right of course, but when it is happening to you, it is different somehow isn't it? Don't let him play games with you. Ignore the e.mails, texts whatever. Just answer when it concerns the children. Sorry it's all working out like this for you. x
thanks hazeleyes - how are you - has C gone on his trip?
He has lrh. Gone a few hours, and I'm missing him already. Have spoken to him on the journey, and once he arrived. Just got off phone to him, and he didn't sound so chirpy, maybe tired? I am such a worrywort, but have told him to text me if he wants me to ring him. Am sure he'll be okay tomorrow, once he's had a sleep.
How are you doing?
aah hazeleyes - hope you will be ok - it must be really hard for you but i know that you know you have to let him try these things - hope you manage to do something nice for yourself while he is away.
I have been having a horrible time - i read back through the emails to and from the idiot and he just can't answer a question so i give up.
I had a disagreement with eldest in the week and once again she was very hurtful but i have just realised that although she wants to be treated like a young adult she is frightened if i talk to her about being upset or that money is tight, So we had a chat on the way to her presentation and i told her that i felt it worried her when i talked about that kind of stuff and she agreed - so the next step is to take a step back and give her some space. gosh this parenting thing is so hard especially when all one parent does is take them out once a week and doesn't bother the rest of the time
It certainly is a hard job lrh, you have hit the nail on the head! I think you have been very perceptive about your eldest. She is just at the age where she swings wildly from young woman to little girl, and back again. In fact a lot of teenage behaviour is a bit like toddler behaviour as they test boundaries once again. I also think as single parents we can tend to confide things in our older children and this is definitely something I did with my eldest, of course he has grown up now and although we have always been close, looking back he says he felt too much responsibility. It's very hard for we parents to get the right balance, between protecting them and on the other hand being honest and open with them.
As for the girls' dad, he is not answering you so just ignore the snidey remarks. You can still have a social life, you can get a sitter or the youngest can go for a sleepover (eldest is old enough to be left) so don't let him control your social life!
What does the weekend hold in the lrh household?
not much at the moment Louise - kids away for the day with the idiot today
then tomorrow youngest has an afternoon out with guides and eldest off to a street party so that is two things i have to organise for myself!
mmm - need to get my thinking cap on as friends have not replied to my text to meet up!
its a bit cloudy and breezy here so may go shopping once kids are away
How about you?
Hi lrh, I was just chatting to you and Hazleyes on chit chat about what the two of you would be doing with your child free time.
Today I am on my own, which means pottering and a bit of work and a bit of TV. Tomorrow I am driving over to meet a friend who moved away when she got remarried and am having lunch with her then eldest is arriving for a couple of days here once I am back, so I will see what he wants to do. Probably just lie around being waited on 
and I need to get his room ready today.
By the way I got my embarrassing flag and bunting up at the door, to the disgust of my youngest. Try to have a decent day while they are out with their dad. Deep breaths!!
Hi lrh,
I've just caught up on your things a bit more. Here's my experience:
When fw (short for something out of Bridget Jones, was a friend's idea to call him that) left he stopped paying for EVERYTHING. We had no food, no electricity, no gas, no fuel for the car. I got emergency income support. Eventually, the house was being repossessed; luckily by the time the court hearing for the repossession was I had found a buyer and the court ordered for that to happen rather than repossession.
I had also found a job and Mr Blair was paying for childcare, I don't know how much that has changed now though. I went to the housing people telling them the date on which I'd be homeless and they said too bad, nothing we can do, turn up with your suitcases on the day and we'll send you to a b&b about 30 miles down the road (grrr). The week before this date I found a privately rented little house and my then boss put up the guarantee for the rent.
FW kept threatening stuff like social services and scaring me - I think everytime they say the word 'children' us mums (I should say other parent really) get paranoid. But then I had had enough and just stood. Told him what I was going to do in writing, including suggesting very regular and generous visits with the children. I didn't move from that at all. FW kind of shrivelled away since then and noone I know has seen him for the last 7 years or so. Children are upset about it, but they know that it's not me stopping this or their fault.
So stick to your guns, lrh, you are strong and you can do this! Big hug x
thanks Hopeful - he is paying the mortgage but by my calculations and the call I made to cm options he should be paying me at least another £100 directly - but I have emailed him and asked him who he thinks he is hurting by not paying and if he thinks that the kids will go over to him asking him for money I would rather go without food for a month myself than let that happen!
It was his choice to overpay for 7 months (guilt I think its called) but maybe he thinks that he can now not pay me anything for the next 7 months because he paid more than he should.
I have to say my sister and I have a new name for him - I told a friend of mine that he had now got a personalised number plate - he has a little car since we split and bought 2 cars in replacement for our large family car - my friend said does it say w4nker so now my sis and I call him w4!
like the fw though!
thanks for your words of support
Things getting really unpleasant now - it really is all down to money - I suppose I should be grateful that he is prepared to pay me what he should according to the CSA's website however I wonder how long he will agree to us staying in the house before it turns nasty again and he wants us to leave - wish he would get on with sending me exactly what it is he wants.
One positive thing I have done was that at the beginning of all this I wrote a letter to him never intending on sending it but as he seems to keep telling me that things were over many years ago I decided to take extracts of the letter and send them to him - it felt so good to tell him what I thought because basically instead of feeling ok about leaving me and the carry on he had with my friend he is choosing to disrespect our marriage and justify it that way - he believes his own hype.
I don't think my comments were nasty - just factual but it felt good to be able to tell him
You have to cope in the best way you can lrh and maybe the letter extracts will help
The situation at the moment is very difficult as you are very unsettled about the house and you know he holds a lot of powerful cards with the finances. In truth you cannot rely on receiving any more than the CSA regulated amount, because that is all you would get if you had to formalise things.
I think it would be great if you could do some practical work around money yourself. Only count what you would get through the CSA and add your own income to it, and look at your outgoings. I feel sure that financial autonomy is the key to stopping feeling this control by him. Yes, he has caused this by his infidelity and yet your anger about this is only making things difficult for YOU, not him.
I learnt very quickly that ex wasn't going to stick to verbal agreements over money. He had 'promised' to by coats and shoes for school and go halves with gifts.
He did neither.
Minimum CSA claiming he had children for 52 nights a year for a reduction, and hiding a second job...
As you know the house wasn't an issue with me as it had to be sold to pay off his debts. We landed on our feet with this house (housing association, so affordable rent at £84 a week) with the rubbish we went through after.
I have learnt that a house is merely bricks. We make it the home. And as for losing my inheritance (which went to improving laughingly called family home) it is only money.
I'm excellent with a budget. I don't rely on The Git for anything, although I know I would miss that £12 a week, we'd survive without it.
More than anything there's no uncertainty or worry as to whether The Git would or wouldn't pay. Huge change in life style, I'm not denying, but nothing that we haven't dealt with. And we wouldn't change a thing.
Thank God for working tax credits though...
thanks - the sad truth is the idiot knows that I would go without in order for my kids to have what they need - he knows this because I have always put all of them first before me - I would rather walk over hot coals and stick pins in my eyes than ask him for money - I guess he knows this too but as long as he can live with that then so will I.
Since I sent him the "letter" I have heard nothing which I am pleased about - the stuff I said needed to be said and I feel a sense of relief.
Its is my wedding anniversary this week - time to set fire to the letter and let it go - time to move on
I was chuffed that my date of divorce was the same as my date of marriage, as to me the 20 year thing was a complete circle - the same happened with the sale of the cottage; 20 year old circle there too...
I had some interesting advice from cm options today - so I passed on my advice to the idiot and told him that I was agreeing to his new imposed maintenance arrangements but since the letter I emailed him to it has been surprisingly quiet - maybe he is brewing something up
I hope he isn't lrh. What will you do on what would have been your anniversary? Hope you're okay. xx
aah thanks hazeleyes - how are you doing?
nothing on the actual day because youngest has to compete in a 400 f/s for swimming so day will be a bit wasted but we may go out for pizza for lunch
It would be nice to treat yourselves
After I split up from the boy's dad, the first wedding anniversary thereafter, he sent me an anniversary card!!!!!
Sorry, but that has made me laugh, Louise.
It made me laugh too! 
That was a good idea