This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Oh dear - hit an all time low
Seemed to have spent all weekend on the phone to Breathing Space
This whole soliciotors thing has hit me really hard and now the anger is coming out - have re-read my thread and clicked on the advice given earlier - nothing seems to help
My eldest is being a complete pain and pushing all my buttons and more - being really spiteful and I can't bear it
Feel worse than I did when he left
Hi lrh. Sorry you're on a low day. As well as the solicitor letter, you've also got your eldest now playing up. Is their any reason for her behaviour, I mean has something happened? How do you discipline her? Is it not working? Could you perhaps go and visit a friend today? Get you out of the house for a few hours?
Hi littleredhen
You are feeling angry, hurt and frustrated by sounds of things. Have you written it all down - expel all that hurt onto paper.
What is your eldest doing when you say being spiteful, are they finding it hard that you are feeling so blue?
Is there any way you can have a quiet day to yourself, pampering yourself, reading?
I wonder if you can talk to your eldest, let them know you are having a hard day, but it will pass. Their behaviour is unacceptable and you will be dealing with it?
Thanks hazeleyes and Anna - took youngest to see Mirror Mirror - back home now.
My eldest says things in a spiteful way that she knows will hurt me - for example I said to her to talk to her dad about a particular issue and that he could deal with it and then I said "You don't need to tell me what he says" and she said "Oh but you always want to know what dad say" as if I was quizzing her and it made me really angry. There are other things and its hard to explain as I don't really have sanctions I can impose - last night when she came back from visit with her dad I told her to go to bed because of her earlier behaviour. She goes off without batting an eyelid - I also told her that she wouldn't be coming to the film today and again she hasn't bothered.
I talked to her on Saturday about her attitude and our relationship and felt as though we were getting somewhere but the very next day it all starts again - I have just started counselling to do with our relationship as I think its in trouble! Whenever I tell my oldest i am blue she says "its all about you" when I had to have the cat put to sleep she was hateful and it wasn't because she liked the cat because she isn't interested in animals.
I'm glad you and youngest went out lrh. I'm sure it did bother your eldest, but she just wouldn't show it, so it looks like she doesn't care. Does she get pocket money? Maybe stopping that is an option if she oversteps the mark?
No she doesn't get pocket money- I really do struggle with sanctions because she doesn't do anything other than her swimming which is expensive and paid for monthly and not by me so i really wouldn't stop that but then she refused to go yesterday saying she had a headache
Does she have tv in her bedroom? Even if she doesn't, and she likes a particular programme, I would say no if she hasn't behaved. Maybe that would work. Stop her from going out with friends?
I know I take C's DS and things away from him, and it didn't bother him after a while. Once it had gone for a week, and still he didn't bat an eyelid. I was more infuriated than him!! Now, instead of sending him to his room, I send him to the living room, no tv, nothing, not even a book to read. He's there for 9 mins ( a minute for age), if he answers me back, the minutes go up. He's learning hehe
Took tv cable away at Christmas - still not given it back - she doesn't go out with friends as she swims all the time so as I say no sanctions really - she just reads in her room or plays her nintendo
I am glad that you are getting counselling regarding this. Do you and she get to spend any quality time together?
You both have a lot of emotions flying around, it would be good for her to see that actually you are in the same place.
She is confused about what is going on and needs to see that you are strong. When she said 'oh but you always want to know what dad says', why did you feel angry?
Because she is right? Because she spoke back to you? Because it was about her dad?
I didn't think she was right Anna but I thought that I was supporting her by asking her things about her chatting to her dad but she made me angry because it was as if she thought that it was because I wanted to know - if you know what i mean.
We don't spend any quality time together and I know this is an issue - because she is out 6 nights a week it is hard and I know I need to try harder - I don't know why i still feel angry with her today
Does she swim competitively?
At the end of the day, what ever you say about her Dad isn't going to be right. What ever there will be damned if you and damned if you don't, so that side you perhaps need to accept. She will 'hear' what you're saying though.
I've just taken to taking no notice of the eldest now as he winds me up so much, yet we've had a good weekend...
I'm glad you went to the pics with the youngest.
Thanks sparklinglime - yes she does swim competitively - they both do - I find it hard to walk away and not get into an argument - going to try though as well as the active listening - Parentline have suggested I give both of them the number for childline as they may need to talk to someone other than me
Hi littleredhen, sorry to hear that you are still angry with your eldest, it is so annoying when they get under our skin isn't it!
It sounds like it would be really good to get some time together so that you can tell her where you are coming from. What activities could you do together?
Manicure? Cooking? Clothes shopping? Coffee at cafe?
Could you suggest to her that you want to hang out with her for an hour or two as you miss her and want to spend some time together and if she can come up with something that you could do together?
Thanks Anna - she has told me that she finds it embarrassing being out because other girls her age are with their friends - its also really hard to find time when youngest is always around or they are both out at swimming - I never get time with just eldest. I did get round to chatting to her a little while ago while youngest was out playing and she said she was bothered that she didn't get to come to the film today - I am not making excuses but it is so hard and I am angry at the idiot because he has made it harder
mmm - I seem to be angry all the time at the moment
littleredhen, that is brilliant that she told you she was bothered about the cinema, that means she is still open to sharing her thoughts with you.
Your ex has behaved appallingly and you have been supportive of the girls even though you have been hurting. It has confused them too, but maybe they are not carrying so much anymore because you have helped them through it. However you are left with your emotions.
Is the anger all because of him? Because he left? Because you have to deal with the fall out? Because you have to manage the home alone? Because you are coping with all of the parenting? Or a mixture of all of the above?
Hi lrh. You've opened the gates, as it were, to talking, so that's a good thing. She wants to go out with her friends then, but doesn't have any spare time, is this right? How about weekends, does she do swimming then? At her age, she would be wanting to join in with her mates etc. Does she have friends over?
When you're dealing with other stuff, as you are, it's hard to deal with the kids as well, and I think everything they do seems to grate on us more. Do you have plans for the rest of the holidays?
Hi Anna - I didn't think I was angry with him anymore but since he sent the letter I think that was really underhand and I think he wants to sell the house - this is all speculation of course - I feel like he puts his own social life first and because I am parenting alone.
Hazeleyes - she is only really free on Friday afternoons and Saturdays but she seems reluctant to organise anything with her friends and it is all so last minute - I told her at the beginning of the holidays that because she was so rude to me I wouldn't give her money to do jobs so she could go out with her friends - she had told me to shut up twice and that I was deluded - I have stuck to my guns as I used to back down a lot - we were just talking and she said that she was surprised that I had stuck to my guns - so I said do you understand now and she said yes - she also said she hadn't believed everything I said on Saturday about understanding how she felt and she thought I was just trying to make her feel better
Do you watch them swim?
I used to swim competitively and my Mum and Dad watched me training once, and my Dad watched me in one gala. I was pretty good really, and I have to say that I was always sorry they didn't get more involved in the sport I did...
It sounds like you've made progress though. 
It's so hard when the ex is a Git
Hi sparklinglime - yes I do watch them swim - not training although I do go early sometimes and see them at the end but always at competitions - my youngest is the better swimmer if i am honest and i think has potential - my eldest is good but doesn't have the same competitive spirit and thinks everyone is better than her so struggles but i am encouraging her to carry on as its her life.
Next problem will be the next competition and seeing VEW and the idiot together as we are all involved in the swimming.
Definitely made progress with eldest yesterday - it helped talking to parentline and having it acknowledged that i have a lot on my plate and a lot to deal with as she also does
Hi littleredhen, glad that you feel you are making progress with your daughter, small steps.
How about a pizza out, one Friday evening? Arrange for your youngest to go to a friends then grab a voucher deal online and go and enjoy yourselves. It sounds like you both need/deserve it. It is so important to keep our bonds strong with our girls during teenage years as it sets in place our relationship as young adults and also keeps them off the streets!
Will you be taking a friend for moral support to the next swimming competition?
Oh heck!
I'm glad parentline was helpful. As daft as it sounds I never had the courage to phone them - and so wish I had at times.
Hi LRH
I am sorry you are having such a rotten time. I have been off for a couple of days so just catching up. You have had some really helpful input by everyone.
Taking a step back, which is what I am doing, it sounds to me as if a couple of things are going on. Firstly, because you have so much buried anger and resentment towards your children's father, it is ready to bubble over at any time (think of a bottle of fizzy drink shaken and shaken till it is ready to explode) and therefore when you feel "irritated" by your eldest, this explodes into more anger than you really feel towards HER, as a natural reponse...your body is desperate to get rid of these awful feelings and it all floods out. Therefore you need to find ANOTHER way to release this anger that is not towards your daughter. what could you do? Exercise is a good release as is screaming (where no-one can hear!) Dancing, loud music, very energetic cleaning. a good punch up with a cushion, all these will help.
The second thing I was thinking about was that one of the biggest facts of life is "Teenagers are totally selfish" In other words, however you and I can empathise with others, they just can't. All she will see is "Mum's mad again and taking it out on me" and "I am so fed up because my own little world has been disrupted by my parents, and the icing on the cake is that mum has the audacity to have some emotions about it" If you can accept that this is how she feels, and let her off the hook about it (in other words not be shocked at the extent of teen selfishness, they are ALL like it) then it takes the heat out of the situation....and it feels to me as if what is needed here is just that, to change down a couple of gears, and the two points I have made are intended to achieve that
Great post Louise, how does that sit with you littleredhen? How are you both doing today?
I am in a deep dark hole - don't know if I can post for the next few days - my ex is planning to take kids and VEW and her kids on holiday in the summer - I feel like I have been hit by a double decker bus - I have cried for the last 24 hours on and off - have talked to 5 different helplines but still feel the same 
can't keep picking myself up from all of this - yesterday I felt as though I didn't want to be here anymore - sorry guys just not sure what is left anymore
lrh, you will turn that corner..things will get better...i know its been really tough for you..tomorrow is another day...all here for you..sorry i can't be of much help but sending you a BIG HUG.
Good morning LRH
You are in a really rough place right now and I am sorry to hear that. In fact it sounds as if you have hit the rock bottom of everything. The good news is that things can only get better, but that is not much help right now.
Are you experiencing suicidal feelings? It is really important to get help, you can phone the Samaritans on 08457 909090 and I would also say get in touch with your GP and get some help in that department too. This is urgent if you are feeling suicidal.
You mention that you have phoned five different helplines but don't feel any better. I know helplines have heped you to feel better in the past but I am saying to you that at this stage there is no "quick fix" BUT it is part of the cure. Imagine a person with cancer....,the treatment can include some pretty unpleasant things like chemotherapy, and the person endures that because in the end it usually makes them better. Similarly, the rage, grief and despair you are going through is the process that will finally make you able to put this behind you.
Can you talk with your sister?
Hi Louise - I have phoned the Samaritans - yes I felt like I didn't want to live anymore - but not that I would do anything about it - I know there is a difference. I also felt as though I should just walk away and let him move back in with the kids and I would become the absent parent.
I can't believe he would think it is ok to go away on holiday with all of them but more importantly to think about going back to the place that we all went to last year
I really do feel like I have been hit by a bus - I do not deserve to be treated like this
I have talked to my sister - I just can't get anywhere with how I am feeling though and just feel despair
((((hugs))))
Hi lrh. Do keep posting, as we're all here for you. I know you feel you're in a dark place right now, but you will get through this, as you know when you first split from him. No, you don't deserve to be treated like this, keep talking to helplines, your sister, in fact anyone that is there for you. As for being the absent parent, you're also going through a bit of rough patch with your teenager, and again, you will get through it. Take care, don't forget we're here for you too. xx
I know that feeling so well, as if you have been run down by a bus, that is a very good description. At this stage it is not a case of a day at a time, more like ten minutes at a time.
There is no quick fix here to the awful way you feel, but time will do its work. You know that the children would NOT want to go and live with him, you just feel totally checkmated by him at the moment. OF COURSE you do not deserve to be treated like this, but we do not always get what we deserve.
We are indeed all here for you and however low you feel it is worth keeping on posting just so you know we are here to support you
Hi lrh, sorry to hear things are hitting you so hard.
To put a different slant on it, is there anyone or anything that you would really like to do/see, whilst the children are away?
You might use this time to your advantage? A weekend trip to Barcelona can cost as little as £25 each way and you can find private rooms in a hostel for as little as £12 per night. So if you just eat crisps you could do it all for £100!
There are many other breaks around the country, what about old friends that you haven't seen for a while??
I have told him I will not give him permission to take the children on holiday with her - I have emailed the legal expert and got some good advice.
I don't fly I am afraid and now we have the fluffy things I could not get away myself anyway as I will be going away with the girls myself
Still feeling dreadful
Take good care of yourself right now
How do the children feel about going/not going on the holiday?
Youngest is not happy with me and I have talked to her and explained my reasons - eldest doesn't want to go anyway and she has finally told the idiot that fact.
We will have to wait and see what happens I have told him I have nothing more to say to him - he is a complete idiot - only thinking of himself - no respect for me - the list is endless - I can't continue to try and communicate with someone like that
Hi lrh, it must be hard for your youngest, even though you've explained your reasons. Is she okay now you've given an explanation? What did ex say to eldest when she told him she didn't want to go? Hope you're okay. How are you and eldest getting on now?
It seems to have brought me and eldest closer - she informed the idiot by text as I had left a message ranting about it on his phone so he texted her and asked for the truth - the problem is now he is saying that youngest knows - feel he is going to use that as his excuse to carry out his plan - what a coward!
Youngest only found out as I didn't realise he hadn't talked to both of them at the weekend.
Youngest was very angry with me but I really believe it is not in their best interest and I explained that she deserved to have her dad to herself for their first holidays. I know I am right in this and I don't care what happens after the first year because in the long run he will lose them if he carries on putting her and her kids first.
I am not really ok - I feel so angry with him that he would even contemplate this - true to his name - an idiot
Thanks for all your support my friends - I am so tired
Good morning LRH
You have been in my thoughts and I hope you had a better night.
The reason I asked about the children is I wondered if they were upset at not getting the holiday and that had compounded the issue for you. It seems that your relationship with your eldest has benefited from your decision! It is grossly insensitive for him to have contemplated returning to the same holiday destination.
Deep breath and face the day. have you got anything nice you can do for you, today?
LRH sending you lots of hugs and strong thoughts to get you through this. You can do it.
xx
Hi LRH
Snow Patrol are fab!
How are you doing with things?
I have had the worst week since the split so far, mainly since receiving the solicitors letter followed by the idiot talking over holiday plans with eldest and implying that they were going to be going with VEW and her kids.
I haven't felt like that in a long time - wanted to die as I just didn't think I could go on with the pain anymore - horrible.
Then just when I felt as though I was backed into a corner I got in touch with the idiot and we spoke - admittedly some of it was argumentative but surprisingly he did say a few things that made me realise a few home truths - things I perhaps had ignored not only about myself but about our relationship.
I did tell him in no uncertain terms that they will NOT all be going away together.
When we finished the call I felt horrible - i felt sad, angry confused and many more things.
Then I realised that for my own health and well being I have to let things go - what does it matter when the relationship started with VEW, I realise that even if he delays them all going out together for days out, it will happen eventually and will it be any less painful in a month? - I doubt it, but I can let it go of it - I don't love him and I certainly don't want him. I dislike her and would never be friends with her again but I need to see that she only ever used me for her own ends and she wasn't interested in me or my problems.
So in conclusion - the last two mornings I have felt stronger - I know I will go backwards at some point but once again I feel able to cope and hope I am dealing with things sensibly.
Thanks to everyone who offered me their support - I am glad to say "I'm back!"
Glad you're 'back' and feeling stronger...
Hey lrh. Glad you're 'back' I'm pleased you've had a chat with him, and reading your post, you're exactly right in what you're saying. There is going to come a time when they all go away together, and no it probably won't hurt any less if it is next week, month, year. The good thing lrh is you realise it, and now you can handle it (if you know what I mean). I can't imagine how that is going to feel, but I know if it was me, I too would hurt like crazy. Like everything though, the 'first' will be the worst.
Hope you're okay. xx
Hello LRH
I am sad to hear that you had some home truths to deal with, a big shock for you.
But yes, you're right, the only person you are hurting is yourself...and you have those lovely children to think about and to spend time with and to biuld a relationship with.
It is two steps forward and one step back, it's the same for everyone I believe but hey, you are getting there. HUG for you
Thanks everyone - tonight I had my eldest cuddling in to me sat together in my chair - she is a bit too big to cuddle in - but it was a lovely moment. Youngest and I playing catch with a sponge ball in the living room - great - they are my reasons for pulling my socks up and getting on with things.
Trying to live "in the moment" and not get too ahead of myself - thanks for your words of encouragement
Awww. That sounds lovely,
That sounds like a plan, LRH