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hi im doin this how are u tonyt, are u okxx im avin glass irish cider lolx
Good morning IDT hope you are Ok this morning. Anna's post is a really good description of the process you go through, please remember that you can move back and forward through these stages as she said.
Whilst I think it's excellent that you are now talking about and reflecting on the things in the past, I would avoid talking with HIM about them, it gets too complex with too many different points of view and he is probably in denial about a lot of it.
Thankyou for that Anna I like to understand and lern new things I think what you wrote is great and really helpful.
Louise no I agre with you that talking to him is not a good idea, he would just confuse me about things.
Im having one of those days or weeks where u constantly feel like you get over one problem or incident then someone comes along and hits you over the head again and everytime u get up it happens again, if I'm totally honest it was ' all the chaos' of him I had to rely on to get me through I didn't like the calm sometimes but slowly I'm liking it now and I'm fed up of things going wrong ;( had more shit today and non of it's small things ATM it's all big stuff to deal with sigh ... Moan over x
I feel I'm trying very hard and someone needs to give me a break
I'm allows to feel sorry for myself today x
Hi kiera how was your cider?
Hope your well, I'm ok just want things to calm down a bit jezze xx
Yes, I know those times, one thing after another....it's hard to cope but you ARE coping and you ARE doing it, deep breaths and you will get through 
Well I got through the day in the end it will calm down to MY level won't it? :)
Hi Imdoingthis, YES it will calm down to your level, absolutely! There is a lot of stuff to be dealt with at the moment by sounds of things and interestingly you noticed that perhaps in the past you may be would have 'let things go' because you were dealing with him, however 'Bring it on'!
You can hate it, be angry at it, completely ignore it or just get on and DEAL with it and I think you know which one will leave you feeling in the best place.
Keep being kind to yourself and slowly but surely things will sort themselves out.
What have you been having to deal with this week?
Thanks Anna,
I don't know it's just nothing I guess I had a benefit stopped they didn't tell me so I had no money etc for a while, I got lost driving had a panic, I think nothing has gone right but it will do it's got to! X
Oh the usual then!! It can be distressing when your benefits get stopped unannounced, it can make you feel as though you have done something wrong and it is also very demoralising as it is plain to see that you are trying to raise a family here and the last thing you need was that. It sounds as though you have got is sorted now.
Some people believe that the turmoil that an individual sees around them is actually the reality of the turmoil within them. Meaning you are at the beginning of a new journey, there are things that are going to need to be sorted, but once they are, they will be set in stone until YOU decide to change them.
These times are going to be hard, however what you can do to help yourself is remind yourself of one positive everyday. So even though you got lost (aghh, one of my worst nightmares, I would have been in pieces), benefits are messing you around, tell me a good thing?
A good thing about my life now? Seeing my kids happy and watching their development come one, now iv just got to lern to have fun with my kids.
When I had my old hv she asked me to promise that if I wanted to go back to him that I'd write a list of reasons to go back and show her, I did do it and it was long and some reasons were minor how I see things now ;)
Sorry I ment to say that together we put good reasons to 'solve' the issues or counteract things.
Hello IDT
I know your old HV was really helpful. Funny how some people touch our lives and even if they have to move on, we don't forget them or their influence 
So now you want to learn how to have fun with the kids. What could you do? I am thinking something you can join in as well such as time at the park or making something together?
Hope you are OK this morning
Hi I'm good thankyou I made myself go to a group today were mums do things and children play in the chrece it was nice everyone really friendly and we made pizza.
Iv got to overcome the little fears I have in social situations,from living in a box for years it's very strange and if it's not structured Im freaked out :) so today was an achievement x
Hope your well Kiera today x
hi hun im ok, its my little girl tht isn t well, tuk er doctors bfore, she keeps bein sick, she as gastroentritus, av i spelt it wrong, its stomach infection, she as hardly eaten al week, she as blackcurrant satches to take, she as ad sum toast, plus my son off not well, how are ux
Wow you did really well then IDT going to that group feeling fearful of being in a group setting that is a big step, many people find having something to do like making the pizza takes their mind off the fear of having to come up with something to say to others.
How did the pizza turn out?
Hi kiera! I think your post crossed with Sally's I don't think she was ignoring you! Your poor little girl, I am sorry to hear that she has a stomach infection, I hope the medicine helps her. Is your son suffering from the same thing?
IDT, It was brilliant to read that you went to the group today! Remember 'baby steps' there is no rush to acheive everything, take each day one at a time. There will be moments of panic, anxiety and/or nerves, but You Are Doing This - good for you!
Remind me of your childrens ages and sexes again, you said that you were happy watching their development, that is a great thing to focus on.
Kiera how's your daughter? Hope shes feeling a bit better My children have had a sickness bug this week.
I'm having a drink tonight as I am childless ;)
The pizza was really good we used muffins as bases I'm going to try it with my kids x
Anna I feel a desire to 'hurry up' on time iv missed is there any harm in diving in as such? Or not I feel like I need to get on and push myself to join in some mothers toddlers etc because I won't hold a fear so I have to push this one do I make sense? It's bothering me so I want to get rid of it so it don't bother me x
My kids are
Boy 15
Girl 13
Girl 11
Boy 9
Boy 6
Boy 3
Boy 21 mnths
X
Hello IDT, how are you this morning?
That was fantastic that you went to the group, wow high five. I agree trying out new things is a rally good idea, don't over do it though by going to too many(can imagine you having a mega mega full schedule....it needs a balance of activity, and time to think, if you don't give yourself anytime to think then you won't have chance to process all the emotional stuff, but I reckon it is good to have one thing per day, whether that is a group or a shopping trip or meeting with a friend)
Thanks for sharing about your children, so you have two real littlies living with you as well as three at school. Is your 11 year old at secondary or is she going next September?
I feel like things are starting to level out, iv got everything good going on 7 lovely children and it's all to live for it's been one he'll of a journey and iv had lots of help probably more than most women do tbh.
The two littleies are partners in crime they work as partner what one carnt open or do the other can!
She's at secondary already and she's made some friend I'm proud of her as she knew no one in our new area at all.
But the wisdom you have accrued, is also very great IDT. I hope you are very proud of yourself.
That is good that your daughter is settled at secondary. I have this image of you having to be on high alert all the time, rushing after your two little monkeys 
It's that time again to get my kids back, it's all fear in my head ant it,
I hate going up there though x
Yes, don't blame you for that! It WILL get easier with time, remember you have survived and are a SURVIVOR!
Hi Kira u online
Hi IDT, how did the pick up go yesterday? I've been reading through your posts, and they are sounding so positive this last week. Well done to you, especially for going to the group. Taking the initial step is the hard part isn't?
Hi hazeleyes thankyou iv felt better this week
Contact didn't go good no been thinking about it since it's upset me, nothings changed my kids have to still see his anger :(
hi hun how are u today, wasnt online last night, my son ad laptop, wots bin appendin, was handover the samex
Hi kiera he's kicked off at the kids shouted completely lost it, baby's dinner got threw on floor hes pulled him out the highchair and hurt him;( this as been told to me by the two oldest kids,
Is this something we put up with? Is it normal? Is it acceptable ?
I don't think it's right but I don't know how not right it is? Iv not written it all here but u get the idea.
What would u do?
aw hun tht is bloody awful it isnt right, it aint acceptable, it isnt normal , hurtin ur child like tht, if tht was me, i wud stop all contact, to right i wud, and tell cafcass or ss whoever u deal with, they need to no wot he is really like, mean wot next wil ur ex do, could b worse ud never forgive urself, no way wud i let him nr kdis wheter he fgot residency or not, please do summat, how dare he, x
I'm trying to think what is best to do
I know it's wrong of him my kids shouldnt have to see that and my sons not going up now he said
aw hun u cant send kids to him with him abusin um, it all may cum back on u if ss find out, they wilsay u failed to protect um, u musnt send kids to him, stand uop to him,no its not easy xx
I guess I tell my solicitor? Iv not got a social worker
Hello IDT, yes I reckon you need to tell someone, solicitor a good idea. Sorry that this has happened, just shows you that you can't predict behaviour (well, actually I think you DID predict this) As the court case was so recent then I reckon rather than just "stopping contact" get some advice from the solicitor first
hi hun how are u, yes tell ur soliciter, is she or he gud soliciter,u can trust i meanx
She is good yes I trust her, x
that is good, please spk to ur solicter, ur ex cant get away with this, xx not nice for u to hear this as wellx
hi hun how are u today, hope ur ok, av u thought bout wot ur gona doxx
Good morning IDT, have you spoken to your solicitor yet? Or made an appointment to see her?
You absolutely have to have this documented by someone, for the childrens sake. Keep in mind you are doing it to protect them rather than for any other reason.
This isn't over yet, but you ARE getting there, you have already noticed a difference in yourself and you will keep growing. Don't hide away, go to groups, enjoy them, meet new people, laugh with your children, show them a good time, so that they can learn what it feels like to be free of judgement and unpredictable behaviour.
Let us know what the solicitor says and please make sure you document every single detail that your children told you, in your notepad.
Iv emails my solicitor yesterday and doesn't think we should do anything at the moment ;(
I'm not happy iv took my kids out of that now I'm sending back
ur soliicter said tht, but its not her kids being hurt is it, id say right if sumething appens to 1 of my kids im holdin u personaly responsible,id stil stop contact, ur ex is harming ur children, thts just wot id do, x
IDT, well done for acting straight away, although this isn't what we wanted to hear, will you speak to your Womens Aid worker and see what they say...?
Don't let this lie....
Yes I didn't think of telling her thankyou Anna, I carnt let this lie as it's directed at them x
hi hun im glad, but i do no its not easy, dont forget ur ex wudnt hesitate in reportin u for anythin, glad ur not lettin it gox
Is it me blowing it out of proportion maybe? I just carnt judge these situations very well, when I think it's something it's not normally anything and when I think it's nothing it usually is something
Not sure I can call today as daughters off school again But I will call promise
X
hi ur defo not blowing it out of proportion, i no bit of wot u mean tho, like when i was maracced which is serious and when victum support cum and changed my locks and put alarms on all my windows and light in my garden, even then i said well i think its bit over the top and did i need all of this security, i said i dint thinbk my situation tht bad, lookin back and now knowin how violent ex is then yes i did need all this security,i understand wot ur sayinx
Thankyou Kiera,
You dont see it yourself the same as other people do there's been times when I though everyone around me were really overreacting I thought they were going mad! But it's was a bad situation I didn't see it.
But then I'm a bad judge anyway lol x
Hi IDT sorry to hear want happened during contact and am abit surprised too at your solicitors response, good to hear that your going to talk with your WA lady as Anna suggested.
How are you and the children today, have you been up to much?
It seems i must have missed this page, so previous post maybe slightly of current discussion.
Your not blowing things out of proportion IDT, it is normal for people that have been in abusive relationships to question weither or not they are thinking straight, you have been told for along time that your stupid or your thoughts, feeling etc are not important and have not been respected.
What was your first reaction? it was only after you had time to think things over that you started to convince yourself that could be wrong!!
Thankyou Sally,
Another thing too is that the children are used to arnt they, they were upset at little one being hurt, but not at his temper if that makes sense.
Hi IDT, of course the glass incident affected you. Your body took a trauma and your emotional well-being took a trauma too.
It is natural that in the past you wouldn't have dealt with it, you were 'under his spell', so realistically what could you have done? It did bother you back then, but you learnt to bury those feelings deep as at the time you probably felt that there was little you could have done and may be a part of you believed that he had a valid reason for behaving in this way. You will be surprised to know that actually you did do a great deal...... You were surviving the best way you knew how.
Now you are away from having to be 'on guard' at all times, any thing that rocks/knocks your safety or well being will be a shock. The reality is you have been living this day in day out for many years, however you have let your guard down a bit, you have relaxed a bit, so when you see his behaviour, which is probably no different to how it was before, it has shocked you.
There are 10 steps that we need to go through after a traumatic event to complete the cycle. However if you have experienced a trauma, then start to recover and another traumatic event happens, you will be back at the beginning with the one incidence and struggling with continuing around the cycle with the previous incident, no wonder our heads become so messy! Have a look at the cycle:
1. Shock ("I can't think straight")
2. Denial/disbelief ("I can't deal with this")
3. Anger (It's not fair, I don't deserve this")
4. Bargaining (If I do xyz, things will get better")
5. Hopelessness/Despair ("I'll never get over this")
6. Loss/grief/sadness ("I feel lost")
7. Acceptance ("This is part of my life, I know I can move forward from this")
8. Moving Forward ("Its not just me")
9. Adjustment/Recovery/Integration ("I can see light at the end of the tunnel")
10.Reflection/Learning/Strength ("I am more me, than I have ever been")
So I believe it is important to consider all the incidents that have occurred over the years and work through this healing process for every one of them. There will probably be incidents that you have completely forgotten that come to the surface now. But remind yourself, you are safe now and YOU ARE IN CONTROL.