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I would be very surprised indeed if you felt on top of the world! You have been through loads of stress and that takes a long time to recover. If I were you I would feel impatient and think "hurry up, I wish I could feel better!" but it is going to take a good while yet. Day by day you are processing what has happened, it might be hard for your mind to accept what has happened, even though things were bad, you feel confused now cos it is hard to get used to the new way of life? Honestly, in six months time, you will look back at now and see how far you have come.
BIG HUG
I'm sure your right :) carnt help feeling like im drownding today x
hi im doing this, hope ur ok, like ur goin backwards again, and u seem to b doin wellx i do no how tht feels, other days i feel well, and other days i feel down, espec when court is cumin up feel all anxious again zx
Hi kiera
I'm on tablets for aniety / panic attacks they are horrible, we will get through it x it's hard to put court out your mind it's best to, but it's hard.
I just want him no were near me and already dreading contact tomorrow x
THe thing is I tried in court to change midweek contact and the judge granted to him what he wanted so stressed out today x
IDT, does he pick the children up from yours or do you drop them to him? I was going to suggest maybe it'll be easier for him to go to you, then all you have to do is open the front door, let the children out, when he's there, and close the door. You don't have to speak to him whatsoever. What are your neighbours like? Could they be at yours on contact days? He'd know then, that you weren't on your own. If you drop children to him, could you have someone else with you maybe? Again, you wouldn't be on your own.
i went doctors for anxiety, i got tablets, tuk um for 3 weeks but felt to funny on um, didnt go bk,i just cope, have to, does ur ex cum urs to pic kids upx
yes um cud u av kids ready at door and when ex cums kids go striaght out to him, u dont av to spk with him, even tho he prob wil tryx
Hi thanks
I have to take them mostly as I have the car he hasn't got enough seats to transport them, sometimes he has his neighbor with him so two vecicals x
I need to figure something.
I like your idea hazelyesys of having someone with me x
how many times does ex av kids x
Twice a week one overnight and one midweek for 1 and half hrs
id lovbe for anythin for my little girl to see er dad, but hes not safe to av er, dont trust him, ope they giv no contcat in junex
Kiera what are caffcass recommendations?
Hi imdoingthis, you are going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions and although it feels scary as hell, just know to yourself that this is normal and it will pass.
I am not a psycologist, therapist or a doctor, but it does sound as though you may be experiencing a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, often associated with soldiers returning from combat, it is now being recognised that survivors of domestic abuse can be inflicted with the same symptoms, have a look at Hidden Hurt's information on it.
Is there someone that you know and feel confident to ask to go with you for the drop offs?
hi there was a risk asssesment with ex,and there are alot risks, no contact at all with our little girl,us tht what u meanx
Hi kiera your situations a bit different to mine , I had a caffcass officer do a report on me and him and at the end of report she recomended who she thought was best for the children to live with ( and she said him)
So I think your saying that they did a risk assessment and recommend no contact with your little girl, ?
Xx
Hi Anna thanks for the links it's helpful to know how I'm feeling is ok,
My councilor said ( over a year ago) she thought I had ( is it called) trauma bonding ? I might have got this wrong x
hi well there was no question why our little girl shud live with as they seen his criminal record and it wasnt gud, i got told in court my kidd are at risk if i av anythin to do with him, yes cfacss lady did a risk assessment on my ex,and alot risk, so for last 3 hearings gave no contact at all, ex as to do another drug test, and they are lookin at what he did to me abroad when he assaulted me, my situation is bit different but same abusive men x
Ah Hun I'm with u x i think you will be fine, you just keep going xx your a strong person x
Hello IDT
How are you doing this morning?
Hazleyes has suggested having someone with you, and this sounds like a great plan to me.
The link that Anna gave you to Hidden Hurt, one of the things it explains on there is about trauma bonding. It is when someone who has been hurt/abused nevertheless feels very connected to the other person, because a.they have provided other things for them in life like food and shelter and b. becasue they are the only person who knows everything that has happened. I remember you saying a while ago about how you felt it was hard to get free from your emotional connection to him so maybe this ties in? Only you know what you are really feeling!
Hope contact will go ok today, can you rope someone in to help?
hi im doing this are u ok, is it contact today ,what are u goin to dox
Hi liera I'm fine x are u ok today x
I'm going to take them up as normal it's not like anything is going to happen on the street I'll stay near my car x
hi b safe hun, well other day i thought i saw my ex and he was walkin towards me, he looked just like him, my heart was pounding, i felt silly cos it wasnt him, he l;ives miles away, but mad how u feel x
It is surprising isn't it kiera, how your whole body feels the effects of fear. I have to admit, I would still feel it now and I haven't seen my ex for quite a few years now.
Hi Imdoingthis, I am glad that the links helped, do keep reading stuff online, it will help the healing process. I have a favourite website by a woman in New Zealand who writes really interesting stuff and has a very good insight into life during and after domestic abuse, you might like to have a look - Speak Out Loud (click!)
I hope that the handover went ok, I was thinking that before you go to drop them off or to collect them, try and put yourself into a different mindset. Rather than thinking how unfair it is, or wrong etc, think 'I am doing a job that needs doing and I won't put any emotional energy into it'. This might help?
Hi kiera, the fear they create is mad it's not us Hun it's them x
All was well tonight :) I didn't see him at all, I was holding my breath the whole time. Thanks for the link Anna I will read it as I find it helps to identify things or just the more info you have the better even if to protect ourselfs and our kids in future relationships ( I think that's why freedom p was so helpful to me to see that others have been through it to ) as when I got my shine worker she said I talked as if I was the only woman in the world to go through it, I thought she had a crystal ball in her bag as she predicted so much of what he did, she said he apply for residency etc months before he did and months before he knew himself! Lol x
Sorry double
Hello how are you doing this morning?
Morning I feel good today thankyou,I asked myself thismorning why I left ... Did I do the right thing? So I doodled my thought on paper I'm going to share it.
What she now sees
Her reflection holds her glance in the mirror,
Not a sight of horror
A pretty lady
Her face not holding sorrow
Her eyes shine
Her body feels alive
She's whole
Her sole shines through
What she feels today is real, not fake
Not felt for his sake
She smells her likes
The prison rules now lifted
Her mind runs free
This little lady is gifted with ability to now be HERSELF
So the answer I come up with is I couldn't be this person who I am today while being with him that's not an option is it? I wasn't allows to be me x
From what you've written above, it shouts out at me, that you most certainly did do the right thing by leaving, and you most certainly wouldn't be the person above if you hadn't.
Well done IDT
Thankyou Hazeleyes it's like 18 months on from leaving and I had to remind myself that how I feel now which is masses better than the state I was when I left is not someone who I could be if I was with him x
What a wonderful poem IDT and it says so much! You're right, you do have to "keep reminding yourself" as it is very easy to slip back in to those old feelings, hope you will keep this poem for those times.
We are all so very proud of you 
Goodness the feelings the guilt is overwhelming today
I keep thinking about the seven little lives effected by me leaving, I feel guilty bla de bla
But if I had one child should I still of left? Does the amount of children I have determin if I leave or not?
IDT, it wouldn't matter how many children you have, even if you'd been on your own with him, the fact is, he is an abuser, and you chose the right path. You stood firm, and left him.
I didn't have a child when I was abused, I left because of me. I know now, if I'd had a child, I would have left a lot sooner though.
I thought I could change him, maybe you thought the same. I thought it was my fault, no of course it wasn't! Maybe you thought the same, but again, no it wasn't.
Be proud of what you've done, and how far you've come. x
If I had no kids I'd of left within the first year, he was extreme violent in that year I was pregnant but after that it all calmed down for a long time x
Yes when you have children to them it can make it harder to leave, but Hazeleyes is spot on, whatever the situation, you did the right thing. Did you have a look at that Hidden Hurt link that Anna posted? On that site there are some very good explanations why it is so hard to break free.
Happy Mother's Day to you this morning! hope you were not up at 5 with your little boy again
hi im doing this how are u hun, happy mothers dayxx please dont b to hard on urself,u left ur ex which in my eyes makes u extremely strong woman xxxx
are u ok hunxx
Hi happy mothers day!
I got a 5.20 alarm call it's been a long morning x
What are you doing today kiera? I'm cooking a roast but older children have peeled the veg! And I got a coffee made for me too x
Louise there's some very good things on the site, iv not got to the part about why its hard to leave but I'm going back to it.
Thanks kiera x
im not doin chicken dinner today, lol well chicken pieces, beans and fries, and fudge icecream for desert and angel delight, took dog out for long walk, ad bath er, filthy, so windy here, it is hard to leave or end it, i tried loads times, i lost count x
Hiya IDT, I love your poem! Thanks for sharing it. Compared to the last one you wrote on here, you are definitely moving forward it shows that you are finding and feeling a bit of love for yourself and that makes me happy
The statistics show that 1 in 4 women will experience some sort of abuse during their lives, so you are not alone, I think some of what you have experienced has been extreme, however you have the right to live without it.
Domestic abuse affects children too. So whether you had one or 10, it is not fair for them to have to live with it and it can have damaging effects on their wellbeing. If you had no children as hazeleyes said, YOU shouldn't live with it either. Your ex's behaviour has been appalling and remember NO-ONE should have to stay with anyone if they are not happy, for whatever reason.
I am glad you are liking the Hidden Hurt website, there is so little on the internet about the effects of abuse on women, that is simple and easy to read, I think she goes really deeply into lots of different areas.
Sounds like you were treated like the supermum you are on Mothers Day, it shows you have done a good job with your kids, they sound lovely 
Thanks Anna, we are free of him now sure No one should live their lives being frightened every day how we lived was just so wrong.
I'm blocking him from my mind with my recent worries as if I don't then he continues to control me and I'm not allowing him that pleasure any more x
Hi kiera hope your well x
hi hun im ok, thts wot i do, block court and ex from my head, i av to do, i forget bout it all, how are u todayxx
I'm ok thanks, I feel like I can move on a bit now but just block him out and I'll be fine x
Got to do something to ignore them x
Hi IDT,i really like your poem about how your feeling now and that really shows how much progress that you have made in the last year or so.
Way to go to on blocking him from your mind, this is a major step in moving forward when we no longer allow them to control our thoughts anymore.
Hi Sally I thought I couldn't move on until he stopped, I think iv been told it but the penny finally dropped that I just block him out he's not worth the worry x
I missed a call late from my solicitor yesterday normally I'd of thought omg what is he up to now bla bla bla but no I did block it from my mind although I am wondering if/ what he's up to now thismorning appeal springs to mind but hay ho x
hi how are u today, yes best revenge is bein happy, thts it x when i saw my ex outside court in feb, adnt seen him since last july i was bit shook up but actually i wasnt tht bad, he gave me a look, i just turned my head away, i saw him and thought thts the man who made my life and my kids life a misery, i do hate himx
Morning IDT, how are you today? Let us know if the solicitor has any news
Have you had snow?
Yes we has snow not to much though but it's so sunny here too!
Not heard anything yet no.
Yes I guess ur right kiera happy and free:)
Strange I feel like I he must of effected me still with the glass as I can see that I did what I normally do and don't deal with it,it did bother me though I don't know of I used to let things bother me that much, it's like looking at yourself from a birds eye view, that's what I just did for a split second about me and him and I don't know why, it's like the tv advert isn't it, looking through the glass at yourself strange feeling x
On another subject I'm talking about things from past with him,In any ones wise experience are certain things from past best left berid and left alone do u just get over them or should you deal with it? X
I really don't know what's wrong with me, feel so mixed up I feel worried lost scared panicky all mixed up ;( I don't know why, I feel a high expectation to feel on top off the world.I don't know what I want how I want to feel.
I'm going mad, I am panicking and 'scrambling' in my head to get away from him I feel so sad today I want it to all be better and I don't know how x