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Iv texted wa lady,
Yes she's back at school today x
Why carnt he just be normal? And I don't know anyone that's constantly angry either, he's got issues he wakes up angry used to come from work angry is was always angry x
X
Hi imdoingthis, I am glad that you have made contact with WA. Are you due to meet up with her some point soon?
Nobody is constantly angry, however your children are used to that behaviour from him, so it doesn't shock them.
kiera, it is good to read the point you made about when victim support came and put all the extra locks on and you were thinking that they were over doing it, but now you can see that it made perfect sense and that you could have been in real danger. Thanks for sharing that.
IDT, your ex, unfortunately will never be 'normal' as you wish it to be, i'm afraid. So it is time to let that 'wish' go and face up and acknowledge and accept the reality. Not easy to do and you have to give yourself time to grieve what you have lost... but never forget.....
Its better to have loved and lost....than live with the psycho for the rest of your life!
Ha yes Anna better to lose the phyco!
Today it's been a bit conflicting the advice But I think I understand it well I do
hi how are u tonytxx
Hi IDT, I hope you had a good evening? Happy first day of Spring! New beginnings! 
You mention that you feel like you are being given conflicting advice? By us? What have you found conflicting?
Anna not on one space no, Its sorted out now it was my solicitor said we should do nothing then I talked to wa lady and she wasn't happy took the complete opasit view but them they both talked and understood each other so it's been delt with.
My wa lady is closing the case now iv got my exit forms today from marac x
hiya hun how are u, u av bin marracced bfore then, i have as well, said in recent report if i av contac t with ex again i possible b marraced again, so wots appenin with ur ex then hunx
Morning IDT, how are you? in one sense it is good that WA are closing their file but are you able to ring the lady if you need some support?
Yes she said I can call if I need to
Marac workers ment to support for 12 weeks iv had her two years it closed once then went back to marac again.
Good to know that you CAN call if you need to, my own opinion is that the aftermath (which is what you are experiencing now) is one of the times you need the most support!
Hope you are braced for the snow tomorrow? It is forecast for your neck of the woods (and mine in the evening) eek
No way! Not more snow jeeze
Iv just lost two new babie bunnies to the cold :( and another's nesting now
Well in two years we have got to know each other and she's said I don't absorb her time so yes if I need her I got her number x
In court the huge wanted us to text as to communicate for the children
I am finding it hard as I text him and he doesn't reply
So I'm today trying to explain a medical think for babies fits but no reply, iv politely asked him it's important he answers but nothing it's all one way, unless he wants something
It's hard for me to put fear out the way for the sake of the kids
I carnt forsce him to answer but its stupid as it's our sons health we are talking about!
Rant over x
Hi IDT, I am really surprised that WA are signing you off right now, I think you are in a very vulnerable stage. Could you ask where you can get some ongoing support from? I think that your ex behaved really badly with the children and I am surprised everyone is so happy to sign you off their books, with that kind of behaviour going on in your childrens lives, they are the ones that are going to be affected now.
Did you write down in your book what happened with the baby and the highchair incident and what the children told you and date it?
Also write in your diary/book that you have tried to communcate via text with your ex regarding your little ones medical health.
In other words write everything down.!
With regards to information for your ex regarding your baby's fits, can you write donw instructions and give it to your eldest to give to him. Not the ideal way to communicate, but at least you know that he has it then. OR, if you feel that your baby is not safe, would you feel strong enough or supported enough to say that you won't allow access until he acknowledges how to deal with your son's health?
What did the WA and solicitor actually agree in the end IDT? If they were at odds I am not surprised that you were feeling confused. Are you happy with their decision and reasons?
Hi Anna
Wa lady said she thought we had to take it back to court she said she had child protection issues and she was not happy she wanted me to contact ss and yes log everything
It's a bit the same problem as I had before with reporting things against him, the judge hates me, and I kept my kids by the skin of my teeth, my socitor says he wants me to not involve police or agencies, it's all very messy I carnt afford to involve police etc
I have logged it yes
I have no agencies involved now, now he's not on his best behavior for court I don't like it and he knows my hands are tied that's why I kept glass incident to myself I do t know if this is maki g sense
Remember I admitted exajurating aligations against him well that's why I'm on bail
So I carnt tell police anything
Hi Imdoingthis, I understand your fear of the police, you did exaggerate stuff, but for one moment, can you stop, take a step away from the situation and give yourself a break?
Why did you exaggerate? I am presuming to protect yourself and your children.
Would a mother who was living in fear, do almost ANYTHING within her power to protect herself and her babies? YES
Does a person who feels trapped and can see no way out, do things that are out of character? YES
So, please stop beating yourself up, I am wondering whether you could find a female pc and lay everything on the line, make friends with her, get her to understand where you are coming from.
I am in agreement with the WA lady. She says that she has child protection issues, so I do not understand why she is signing you off?
Yes I did it as I had:
Tried to get help to get us out it failed
No refuge space for 7 kids and oldest a boy 15
I had tried to reach out even to wa but no luck in the end he was getting worse I didn't understand at the time why I do now, I was so desperate I wanted to end my life
But in fact it was bad enough I didn't need to exajurate but because no one would help me and I'd tried to leve the only thing left to do was get him removed,he was asalting me but not bad enough.
I think I know who to go to if I'm concerned for my kids I have had so much help I know who to go back to even if it is ss or whatever if there's a problem their not going to turn me away :)
I had a good female dv officer but I didn't tell her the truth my fault I messed that one up.
How do I deal with my sons angry outburst? He's a loving kind sensitive side most of the time I get coments from people about him but for little reason when he flys he's flys no reason tonight he takes it out on the house tonight stair gate off wall clock on floor screemi g shouting
He told me yesterday when he was in his shower that he had been punching the wall to practice fighting, it's not often eg last summer he ripped his curtains down set fire and took the window locks off his window.
Had issues with bricks on field mice ewe
I have talked to him about goi g to punch his pillow if he gets mad or simler in fact tonight in the middle of his outburst he bought me his I pad and was playing some whale music I praised him said it's good he found a way to calm down ?
I really need some advice on how best to deal with it?
Iv got younger kids scared of him
We had snow! Freezzzzing thismorning you were right louise x
Hello IDT
is this your 9 year old? Your boy is the new man of the household now and of course he has seen the way his dad carries on and that will be who he is imitating. I know that is really horrible to hear but it is not your son's fault, he is only young.
Myself I would think about a three-pronged approach:
Get him involved in an activity where he can let out all his pent-up aggression...is there a boxing club near by, or martial arts? speak to the leader and explain that he needs a bit of extra support to understand that you do not use boxing skills outside of the ring
Secondly, you need to have a quiet chat with him, perhaps when the others are in bed (I know it is hard when you have a larger family) Say that you understand that he must have a lot of weird feelings inside him after what happened with his dad. However he needs to understand that it is NOT acceptable to hurt people or animals or property...give him a corner of the house/his room where can CAN punch, such a a big pile of cushions. Another thing I have seen work is a big pile of newspaper and tear it into little shreds and fling the pieces around (however, I have never quite seen a young person tidy it up properly afterwards so I would use this with caution) is he a reader? There are good books you can get for young people to help them with their anger.
Thirdly, would he talk to someone outside the family? preferably a counsellor but even if not, is there someone who would be a good role model for him? a man teacher? a scout leader? who could demonstrate that being a strong man involves quite different qualities
I found a great little booklet for you (click here) oh no more reading, she says, but this is easy to read with a few tips in it and looks at children of different ages, might help you a lot 
And yes I have snow today, have you?
hi im doin this how are u, u found my thread, god how long av u got to read it lol, snowin here but not stickin, windy and cold, north west i am, x
Hi kiera yes I found it x I'm east midlands and is is settling here
How are you?
Thanks Louise for advice on my son, yes he's 9
I know it's not his fault I just want to get rid of his anger on the house I will have 3 other boys copying him if I don't deal with it x
Hi Imdoingthis, we don't have any snow at all, are you sure you are all getting it??!!
So we can completely understand why you made false allegations and you also recognise that things were getting worse at home, because your ex could feel you pulling away. When you leave an abusive person, this can often be when they are at their most dangerous.
Would you consider contacting the female DV officer again, just to meet up and have a chat? To have her in your corner, to offload the truth and to know that if you needed her she or one of her colleagues would be there for you?
Louise has given you excellent ideas for starting points with your son and you are right, you do need to deal with this now as he is the role model for another 3 in his path. Does he have any responsibility of his younger brothers? Does he protect them and take his role as big brother seriously?
Do you ever get the chance to have one on one chats with him?
Yes it's snowing like mad here Iv just come back it's definitely settling
I think I'd rather contact wa lady if u needed to for now, I'm hopping it's going to calm down soon.
Thinking about my kids/ talking ti them I have improved lots since leaving
But I need to let my guard down I don't know how i have to lern
hiya hun how are u today, yes snowin hard ere and its set, are kids ok, my 2 boys are away til monday with family, x
Hello IDT we have loads of snow here 
As for chatting with your children, it is a question of practice, I believe. have a look at this article which is a few ideas of family fun things, I reckon the talking will just happen if you have some fun together...it's quite easy to "forget" how to have fun when you have been through a period of stress
hiya hun how are ux
Hiya I'm ok thanks,
How are u? Is is nice to have time with ur daughter x
hi hun u ok, yes in middle potty training, getin there, x
Hi IDT, how was your weekend?
I noticed that you said that you are hoping that things will calm down soon. I agree, I hope that they do too, but I do encourage you to keep your guard up with regards to your ex and have a plan of action up your sleeve ie Womens Aid or police.
I completely understand where you are coming from when you say you need to let your guard down with your children. I found it very difficlut to relax and enjoy my daughter when she was small, so much so, it took my health visitor to show me how to play with her. This might seem ridiculous, especially as only a couple of years before I was great with other people's kids, playing and being aware of their emotional capacity, but due to the extent of trauma I had suffered, I had difficulty communicating with my own child.
I think to start with, be kind to yourself, you are the very beginning of a new journey of parenthood and of your life. Sometimes just sitting on the floor and watching your children playing, asking them what they are doing, can be interaction enough.
The thing my daughter liked doing (at around 18months) was building blocks on the floor. We would build a tower together, I would provide a sort of running commentary, about how big it was going to be and that we were adding another brick, what colour would it be, a green one or a red one, I think a green one or let her choose, the tower would grow and grow and then it would wobble, we would look at each other, in the early days of doing this she would look worried/concerned, I think because it meant something would be broken, or that my mood would change because of all the hard work we had put into it (remembering how her dad would have reacted if anything ever went wrong), I would raise my eyebrows at her then give it a push and an exaggerated 'ahhhhhh, it all fell down' all the time smiling and laughing.
At first it felt a bit awkward but after doing it a few times, she joined in knocking it down, covering her mouth and giggling and it was the first time that we really connected. That it was ok that something was broken and we were still happy!
Do you get on with your health visitor?
I didn't realize you posted on here too thankyou
As far as the wa etc I am not sure at all at the moment I have been going by my solicitor advice ( and she has helped me keep my kids it's just that it's been compromised I think as i feel he's got away with stuff) I feel like I would probably just keep telling my solicitor stuff I think if he kicks off at me or kids again.
I would like to feel I could use the police etc but it's a big no no for me.
I like what you say about playing with your daughter made me smile, I used to be like that it's hard to laugh with them now, no one laughed played got toys out made a noise or went near him when we were together.
X
I don't get on with her no i told my old one everything I treated her like my friend she was amazing, went way beond her duty as a hv shame she left x
Hi IDT, I am glad that you have your solicitor to turn to. I also like the messages you have been leaving for other people, really supportive and helpful.
I do notice that you advise others to use the police, so please DO NOT rule them out completely.
Even if you have made false accusations in the past, it doesn't mean you don't have the right to protection and safety. Your children need their mother healthy and stress free.
When I did the building blocks with my daughter, I was emotionally dead, it was all play acting, that slowly evolved into real laughter, when I saw how absorbed she was, then the terror, then the relief on her face. I mentioned this experience as I wondered if it would help with your little ones.
There is no hard or fast rule on how to connect with our children after domestic abuse, other than to try and focus on them and what they are doing or saying. Our heart may feel emotionally flat or we could watch them berating ourself for not being a 'better mum/dad' but that doesn't help anyone. Give your children your undivided attention. If a negative thought comes in, blow it away and save it for later.
Another thing that helped my daughter and I connect was tickling. We weren't very tactile and this was one way that I could see her laughing and be close to her at the same time. This might all sound very trivial to some people, but after your emotions have taken a battering, even the simplest of tasks can seem daunting.
I am sorry to read that you don't get on so well with your health visitor now, that is a shame, it might not be that you are able to connect with her on the same level as your last one, but she might have some good suggestions? What do you think?
Hello IDT
yes it comes back to the thing we were talking about last week, doesn't it, when we said that when something happens a lot or all the time, then we THINK that is the norm so we are not shocked by it. However, I agree with Sally, he hurt the little one, that really US cause for concern. See what the WA lady says but in the meantime, write down dates and incidents and the action you took, ie reported to solicitor.
Is your daughter back at school today?