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What is it that your ex is doing IDT that makes you feel as though you are going backwards? Perhaps we can help?
hi im doing this how are i today,how are u todayxx
Hi IDT has the WA lady been in contact today?
Hi yes she came out to see me and it did really help things, she helped me realize that he will continue doing these things, anything he can get away with but iv got to lern to deal with him in a way as I know he's there doing all this but let him get on with it she said he will continue for some time and it's like a soap opera, just don't allow him to get to me.
So remember my glass box I used to feel like I was in Well guess who's in it now in my mind only iv shrunk him a bit so I don't associate him with a big powerful t**t I used to see him as. Anna it's because hes always there I feel like that, he won't leave me he's interfering all the time won't go away I guess. But he's like that and wa lady said I knew when I left him he'd be like this it's true x
When he's doing things it puts me into the mindset that 'I don't care' lock me up treat me how u want and I protect myself by not caring I think and then I get over something and start to care then he does the next thing kicks off again or something. I was arrested btw for something that happened in 2011 an I have to make sure he's not arrested in the next few months. Kiera how are things with u? You been court yet ? Hope your ok thinking of you x
Hi IDT, it sounds as though you had a good chat with the WA worker and she has helped you put some things into perspective. I used to try and take a step back when my ex was 'creating' and look at it as though it was nothing to do with me, ie not take it personally, that really helped me move away from the situation. In fact the more I did it, I couldn't believe the reality of his behaviour.
I am glad that you have rekindled the glass box, with the little tiny person in it, I hope this mental image helps!
I wonder if every time you see him or he texts/phones, you mentally prepare yourself for 10 seconds before responding/deal with him. Remind yourself that you are in the process of healing after many years of him messing with your head and whatever he says or does you choose not to let him interfere with that healing.
I think you are doing a brilliant job IDT, you have been damaged and you are finding your way home 
Why do you have to make sure that he is not arrested in the next few months?
hi well court adjourned til june 21st,ex as to do drug testa gain,and cafacss want to go into what appened to me on holiday abroad, they pressed charges he said they didnt, he put me in hospital so it b on record, so they want to see what append, hes noty allowed any sort of contact, i saw him outside court when i was leavin, he gave me a look, i looked away, victum support sat with me today as i went on my own, and guy from victum supportbwalked bus station with me, wish it was all over, how are ux
Thankyou Anna, yes I can start and see the chaos I was in a bit more I think now, and it's scary now it wasn't before well itwas but a different fear it's a manic scrabble now it's sh*t that was in fact dangerous and I should of listened to advice. I won't be believed Anna, now iv been arrested I will not tell talk to the police, it just made me think I'm not confidant to talk to them ( I wasn't before) it's worse now.
Hi kiera x post with you
Its hard when they adjurn it isn't it because it's hanging over you and all you want is it over, but to be honest with you it's probably for the best that all the informations out in the court ( this in your favor isn't it) proves what he's like.
I'm glad victim support went with you, keep strong it will be worth it in the end and I feel like a stronger person now x
Feel pulled back again Anna, I thought I had things straight in my mind now I'm not sure,confusing all this, feel like I'm going mad tonight x I keep feeling like this is it me or him ?
Hello IDT I am really glad you had the chat with the WA lady, I think it is normal to go back and forth in your mind. When the lady was with you, and afterwards, you can think YES! I am going to be ok, I will get there! and then old thought patterns creep in and you start to doubt yourself. Don't forget how long you have had those old thought patterns, they will take a while to change properly BUT you need to recognise that they DO NEED TO CHANGE. The WA lady can't come and see you every day, unfortunately, to give you that boost. Could you write down some of the things she said and remind yourself of them...would the positive thoughts go in one of your excellent poems?
Louise thanks I understand what u mean, if I could 'bottle a dose of the wa lady and take a spoonful a day I'd be fine
I am learning slowly
Iv had increased anxiety and I think a delayed reaction from court of stress like really tight chest,and my fear of him has gone up massive and I carnt figure out if it's real or what's built in my head I wish someone would tell me as I really don't know, I feel his desperate because he's lost at court, no ones ever stood up to him before and I just feel a build up from him is it in my mind from what he's built up or am I right to feel this way? I don't feel safe but I should do shouldn't I? I am away from him in my own home.
Things are going to get easyer now I hope x
hi im doin this sometimes like now with the look he gave me yest outside court tht if he gets no contact in june tht he wont b happy tht he wil have lost and in some way get revenge, i mean u are never really protected are u, it is scary, wil i ever b free of him properly, unless i move somewheer he cant find me, x av uu thought of thatx
Hi kiera yes I know what u mean I have thought of moving away but staying put for now see what happens, I guess mo one really knows what's in their mind and if there gonna flip do they?
We just got to try be as safe as we can x
Hope your ok today x
Hi Imdoingthis, everything that you are experiencing is completely natural, we prepare ourselves for the worst, you have prepared yourself for the court date, you have been prepared for the 'worst' for many years and you know how he has reacted in the past.
I think you are right, no one knows when they are going to flip out, so the best thing we can do is remind ourselves that the worst is over, that we are as safe as we can be and if something does rear its ugly head, we will handle it. I know that you don't want to talk to the Police, but it is their job to protect you from intimidating or threatening behaviour, regardless of what you have done in the past.
As we have mentioned before you have lived many years in a heightened state of alert and anxiety and it takes time to unlearn those emotions and feelings. For some of us it can take a while to trust that we are now safe, that we now longer need to feel or be on edge.
So please IDT, be kind to yourself, trust yourself and remind yourself that YOU are the one in control of your life and your thought processes, not anyone else. If we allow them to dominate our thoughts, then we are still trapped, if we tell ourselves that we will never put up with that behaviour again and that we are worth 10 times more, then that feeling will become part of everyday life.
kiera, as I said in your thread yesterday, the look that your ex gave you was meant to intimidate you. But you are the one in control of whether you let it or not. Sadly when you have worked with survivors for as long as I have, you begin to recognise that they are all so similar and I almost could have predicted the sneer. Don't let it get to you, turn it around and laugh at him being so predictable.
Hi Anna
I got myself into a panic yesterday morning and thought to myself it's me that's doing it no one else he wasn't there so I'd managed to do it all by myself, I'm impatient and expect myself to feel instantly fine, I put pressure on myself and allow myself no time, no space to 'heel' as it were.
So thanks I need to remember what you've said x
Yes it WILL take time to heal, as I said above, you have spent many years in this pattern, it's not going to happen overnight. I would be like you and want to feel better straightaway!!!! That's a good idea, imagine you could take a spoonful of the WA lady's advice every day
It's taken it's time to sink in that actaly iv done it iv got away, Im in one piece and iv kept my children I can slowly let it sink in iv done it! X
Yes you have done it! You could change your name from 'Imdoingthis' to 'I Did It'! 
It will take a long time for you to unlearn behaviours and patterns and also deal with the emotions from your children too. However you will get there. I am 11 years down the line and years ago I never would have believed it but my life is sooo different now, all that happened to me in the past, seems another world away
So chin up, best foot forward and future here you come! Gently though, don't rush it, it won't come any faster and getting frustrated with yourself because its not coming quick enough, will only have a negative impact.
I got it all to play for now ;) I already look back at my life with him and think oh my god , was that me or how the f**k did he get me to do / act like that! But that's just 18 mths on so who knows were I could be in years to come. It's easy to get sucked back in, no contacts a good idea x
non contact is only way to go, if u reply it just carries onx
Hi kiera how are u?
hi hun im ok, are u ok,avin malibu and pepsi max nowxneed it lol
So good to hear you have turnt a corner IDT, yes it is easy to get sucked back in, thats why you need to stay strong and think about how better things are for you and your children.
hiya hun how are u today what are u uptox
Hi kiera, I'm good today thanks its sunny here today I'm spring cleaning! Got to collect my kids later what about you what are u up to?
I'm a bit puzzled he has gone quiet not seen him,no answer to my texts about the kids, he's like gone quiet it's odd, it's good I'm not complaining but wonder why hmmmm what's going on with him I hope it's that he just moved on got a new lady etc fingers crossed x
hi im doin this how are u,i felt same bout my ex , when he went quiet i felt on edge worryin wot he doin, but then i felt oh as he met sumone hmm, lolfingers crossed x
Well he didn't stay quiet for long :( He's p*ssing me right off tonight, I'm really trying for the kids sake but he's impossible he's still gaslighting me only I knew tonight. Stress :(
Hello IDT
Yes, stress! if it weren't for the kids, in an ideal world you would have no contact but you do need to have some in order to make arrangements. Please don't respond to him apart from the children's arrangements though
Things are orful :( I should of expected it I'm a bit lost today x
It's got a bit out of hand I think not really sure what I'm asking need some advice x
Hi IDT. What's happened? What got out out of hand? The contact between the two of you?x
Ok I carnt ask advice if u don't know what I'm asking, oh god I don't know exactly I don't wanna write it.
After last night I'm worried to get my kids back now he's drunk
Hi x post
Yes contact last night now iv took my kids up he's drunk and I have to get my kids back x
I have to go somewhere walk in centre bit carnt face it
I'm sorry I don't know what I'm asking but I'm worried about things :(
Something happened last night
Can you say what happened IDT? Is it possible for someone else to collect the children today from his?
Thankyou, I'm bit better now I got children back fine didn't see him
I don't feel it's right for me to do contact like this
He was furuos before he just was so so angry I froze I didn't move or speak he went nuts around me, it was like I wasn't there, I didn't speak or look at him I kept my head down he didn't say lots he just threw a glass, some in my stomac I need it out :-/
hi im doin this how are u, u mean ur ex kicked off, and u av glass in ur stomach, it isnt right hun, u dont have to put up with handovers like this, u really dont have to see him, hes stil abusin u and its wrong, no way im seein my ex if he gets contact sorry but im not, u dont have to hun, please spk to sumone bout it, and ur kids notice not fair on themx
and i think u shud go to hospital with ur stomach, are u okx
ur ex needs arrestingm, other wise he wil just keep abusin u, it needs to stop, hope ur ok hun, please dont stand for it anymore,x
It's nothing major it's bits I think it looks like red scratches but when I move or pick up my baby I feel like it's stabbing me when I move it's just scratches.
We have only just been court the judge said no wonder the handovers are full of tension yeah they are but I 'got thefamily' car x
Maybe it can be changed ? Do u think?
If you have glass, and you think it's in your stomach, then you need medical attention IDT. You also should report it, as I'm sure you know. Get it all sorted tonight if you can, and then you really need to get the contact sorted. Someone besides you to do the handover. Really hope you're okay.
ur handovers cant carry on like this hun, yes full of tension cos of ur ex, and tht wil never change cos hes an abuser, hun u do need medicalattention, mayb iut could go back to court, is there sumone u trust who could do handovers for u so u dont have to see ex
I'm fine :) thanks now I got my kids back x
It needs to change, I have no one to drive 5 kids up to him x
i understand i no its not tht easy, u shdunt have to put up with his abusive ways, there must b summat u can do,x
I want to feel not like I do at handovers of course I'm scared it's tense and I have panic attacs ,
I want it to be normal Kiera what can I do ?
I want it to be like normal parents are
thing is hun things wil never b normal, cos ur ex is an abuser like my ex, things wont b normal for me again, even tho we try and make things as normal a spossible for our kids, we love our kids so much, im in middle court and i try and block it out, i have to or i wil go mad, every hearin i have got thru on my own, next hearin june, so i aint gona worri over it til the day,wots point, i would love it to b normal for mylittle girl to see er dad and for him to cum and pic er up and we say bye to um ,but tht wil never appen with a abuser, thts the awful facts, not fair is it, x sorry im not more helpx
Hi Louise, no he hasn't.
I guess I need to stop moaning and get on with it x he's going to continue to do it I carnt do anything about it like I said he carnt hurt me any more no one can.