This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi all
So many people have introduced themselves that I thought it would be nice to share our stories, how we ended up being a single mum or single dad. :D
For many years the media and society have stereotyped us and portrayed us as low life's who get pregnant with any tom, dick or harry just so we can get a council flat and don't have to work anymore. :o
From my experience working with single parents locally and especially from this online group, we are such a diverse range of men and women, we all have different skills, different dreams and very different histories.
For many single parents, when they conceived they believed that they would be with their partner forever and be happy families, until they became grandparents. So it can be a complete shock to find yourself parenting alone, share here your story, how you like it and how you cope.
Hi Janeyq
Thanks for sharing, it sounds like you have had a difficult time, but what a great surprise and happy ending to the story! Good luck to you and your girl :)
Hi all,
I'm Clare, 39, and have two stories, but will keep them both short to save your boredam.
Emmie was conceived in love, and when she was born, her dad was over the moon. Way too soon, went back to his pub habits, and his violence became more physical, and more windows were being broken. At 10 months old, I threw Emmies dad out - complete cr.p ensued, but got through it and met dad No. 2 when Emmie was 2.5 years old.
He moved in almost straight away, and whilst he was also slightly tempestuous (being a musician was very dramatic lol) we got on fine, and thought we were in love. His ex returned to the UK from Thailand where she had been learning tricks with ping pong balls (okay, she was singing, but sounds more exciting) and within 24 hours of him going to the pub to tell her to keep out of our lives (when she had tried before to split us up), he left, and oops, was with her days later. Told him I thought I was pg on the Wednesday, he saw fanny adams on the Thursday, moved out on the Friday, Emmie saw her real father for the first time she remembered on the Saturday (she had only known Buster's dad in her life, so completely messed her up) He came back on the saturday and said he wanted it to work, found out I was actually pg on the Monday and a week later he confessed he was sleeping with fanny adams. Got loads of abuse from both of them, because obviously I had trapped him by becoming pg (those condoms just don't stay up on their own you know!).
Where we are now, Emmies dad has her every fortnight, but still tries to get to me through Emmie. Busters dad see's him when he remembers, but we strangely get on more than I do with Em's dad.
Used to work full time, but have just dropped 7 hours a week so I can pick Em up from school, own my own house, have two dogs, and a nicely hectic house.
Still single, and way more fussy now! lol
Clare, Emmie and Buster (aka Alex - he stuck his tongue out alot when he was a baby - for the older posters amongst us... LOL)
Hi, Mummy24 here (aka Michelle)
I call myself Mummy24 as I am a Mummy and I am 24. That simple.
I was in a relationship with my daughter's father for almost 6 years. She was planned and I thought we would be together forever, the good old fairy tale.
Anyway, cut a long story short, the relationship turned sour, we agreed to end it amicably and continue as we had done with our arrangements for Faye. Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? Well it was. Ex went crazy, abuse, blackmail, harrassment, phonecalls, threats, tried to kidnap our daughter - all in an attempt to make me feel bad and take him back, not a thought for the child involved. He didn't see her for five months and then decided to drag me through the Courts. 9 months later Court rules in my favour giving me residence and contact to him. He then immediatley decides he will do whatever the hell he wants, collect her when he want, drop her off when he wants, not bother coming for her if he doesn't feel like oh and the best one, anytime he does spend with her, he spends using it to tell her bad things about mummy.
What a ****.
ANyway, I decided just to get on with my life as that was the best way of getting to him. I don't speak ill of him, I encourage my daughter to talk about daddy if she wants to, I smile and nod when he picks her up. I don't let him see if he gets to me. He doesn't like it.
It hasn't been easy. I suffered, stress, anxiety and panic attacks, lost 3 stone in weight and still get headaches. But youve gota get on with it so thats what I do.
Faye is 3 years old now and is brilliant, I wouldn't want her any other way.
She'l realise when she is old enough that mummy never pressured her or did anything wrong and fought through life just to make her life better.
Its hard and lonely being a single parent and I never imagined I would be hear, but now, I have a better life than I ever did when I was with her father. I have my friends back, my independence, my figure and my confidence.
Life is back on the up. ;)
Ok here goes,
Pregnant at 16 and 300 miles from home, ended up in mother and baby unit till I got housed. Got house stayed 10 months with my son, then moved back home to Bonnie Scotland. Oh and dad didn't want to know really, although we kept in touch all these years, he still hasn't met his son whose now 23. Not my decision.
Back for 6 months and met up with first love from school, together 3 years had second son, split when he was 6 months by this time I was 22. His behaviour was what you could call erratic, and having had a tough up bringing didn't want my sons to suffer what I had, We later discovered that he was manic depressive, He got married years later to a wonderful lass, and we all got on great, then suddenly he stopped taking his medication and things have went pear shaped. My sons refuse to have anything to do with him, and Guess Whose to Blame????
Was on my own untill I was 32 met a guy, another loser. I used to pick men who needed help,( think I thought I was some kind of saviour) anyway fell pregnant had little girl, guy decided he didn't do family, his behaviour was shocking, I know that he was pushing me to throw him out, so he would look the victim, drink, drugs bullying my lads, In the end I snapped and here I am now 3 and a half years later!
Swear I could write a book sometimes :D Kids are now 23,18 and 6
J xx
Hi,
I'm also Claire, but with an i! I'm 39 and recently single to ex no 2, the cretin. Have 3 boys, 12, 11 and 4. Am a social worker, and was my choice to split with husband no 1 and ex no 2. Can't believe went on to make another mistake wit a 6 yr relationship with the cretin! aargh!!
Love your post, poor buster bloodvessel, is he still going?!
Claire x
Hi all,
I'm Clare, 39, and have two stories, but will keep them both short to save your boredam.
Emmie was conceived in love, and when she was born, her dad was over the moon. Way too soon, went back to his pub habits, and his violence became more physical, and more windows were being broken. At 10 months old, I threw Emmies dad out - complete cr.p ensued, but got through it and met dad No. 2 when Emmie was 2.5 years old.
He moved in almost straight away, and whilst he was also slightly tempestuous (being a musician was very dramatic lol) we got on fine, and thought we were in love. His ex returned to the UK from Thailand where she had been learning tricks with ping pong balls (okay, she was singing, but sounds more exciting) and within 24 hours of him going to the pub to tell her to keep out of our lives (when she had tried before to split us up), he left, and oops, was with her days later. Told him I thought I was pg on the Wednesday, he saw fanny adams on the Thursday, moved out on the Friday, Emmie saw her real father for the first time she remembered on the Saturday (she had only known Buster's dad in her life, so completely messed her up) He came back on the saturday and said he wanted it to work, found out I was actually pg on the Monday and a week later he confessed he was sleeping with fanny adams. Got loads of abuse from both of them, because obviously I had trapped him by becoming pg (those condoms just don't stay up on their own you know!).
Where we are now, Emmies dad has her every fortnight, but still tries to get to me through Emmie. Busters dad see's him when he remembers, but we strangely get on more than I do with Em's dad.
Used to work full time, but have just dropped 7 hours a week so I can pick Em up from school, own my own house, have two dogs, and a nicely hectic house.
Still single, and way more fussy now! lol
Clare, Emmie and Buster (aka Alex - he stuck his tongue out alot when he was a baby - for the older posters amongst us... LOL)
Hi, my name is Francesca.
I meet a wonderfull man 13 years agO.I was so in love, he was just the one. I married him and had our first baby. We were over the moon, she was a beautiful angel. After our first daughter I had a miscarriage, then I got pregnant with our son. We had a lovely home, a fantastic family and a very easy life. Mortgage paid, no loans, kids in private school, went out for dinner every monday just the two of us, he bought me flowers nearly weekly, had a very active sex live...and then I found out he had been seing at work a 32 year old woman, who lives sharing a room in a rented house. He said he didnt really know her, that he was not able to see her as he is always home at 4.30pm and spent weekends with me and kids, but he had been kissing her and slept with her over a school trip (they are both teachers). I told him I'll forgive him, we could start from beggining,.. but he said he did not know what he felt for me anymore and that he could not give her up. But he has given up on a 5 and a 3 year children, who adore him and his wife who can't live without him.
I wanted to kill myself, then I though about the kids. I gone from a size 12 to a size 6 in a few weeks. I cant sleep at night, I feel so unwanted, so sad, so lonely, so distroyed and betrayed..
All this happened 8 weeks ago. I had to face Xmas with the kids as he couldn't be bothered to see the kids but instead took his lover to a ski resort in France. He's refused to pay for the kids school, so I'm not sure how on earth I'm going to be able to afford it. He's living the live of a 20 year (he's 35, I'm 36), and only sees the kids 1 1/2 hour a week, I have been looking after them 24-7 for 8 weeks now.
I don't know. Everybody says to me it will get easier, but I don't see how. I feel like our lives have been destroyed and I'm dying inside.
Hi, my name is Lorna, Im 32 and have a beautiful girl who will be 3 in April.
I have been single since I found out I was pregnant, her Dad and I had a conversation re having a baby and agreed we shoudlnt be in a relationship just because there was going to be a child. However, around 8 weeks after she was born, my feelings changed, I wanted a family life for us all, I had grown up without my Dad around and so desparately all of a sudden decided wanted us to be together, since then, almost 2 and a half years I have felt the same way and nothing I do seems to be able to change how I feel about him.
He took up a job in France around 18 months ago, to get away from our situation, he comes home (7 miles from us) every 3 weekends to see her and has just been home for a week, and is due back for week at the end of this month.
I think I love him, but he doesnt want me, and until either of us find someone else (which neither of us have done) I will always wonder.
Any advice, gratefully received.....
Lorna xx
Hi Cem
Great to have a social worker on board, hopefully you will be able to support us with professional support when needed?! :)
Dear Francesca, it sounds as if your life has been ripped apart from the roots up, you poor thing, everything must seem such a mess. Why do ex's tend to go on holiday at Xmas? Off having fun while we are at home trying to make the best out of a difficult situation, being strong for the children etc.
It is incredibly painful right now, but your friends are right, it will get easier. It is said that there are 4 stages of dealing with loss, it sounds as though you are going through a mixture of them all at the same time:
• Denial – too painful to face reality
• Anger – why did you let it happen?
• Depression - loss of appetite, weight loss
• Acceptance – you begin to accept new reality
It will be the same for the children also, they must be going through all sorts of emotions. All you can do is keep strong and keep going.
We know that the difficult times are coming to an end when:
• 24 hour obsessing about separation and ex partner to occasional flashes of anger or upset
• Less time complaining, more time solving
• Calling up old friends
• Making new decisions, exploring new interests
• Opposite sex no longer stereotyped
• Realisation that you are not the only single parent
• Divorce/separation was the only possible solution to a destructive relationship and not a punishment for failure.
Look for professional support if you feel as if you are getting nowhere, talk to your doctor or visit our links page for counsellors and information on your rights etc http://www.onespace.org.uk/links
Good Luck Francesca and keep in touch, there are many people here online who can empathise with your situation and know that there IS life after divorce.
New Year, new beginnings.
Dear Fozzie
It is the most normal thing in the world to want to share your daughter with her father and have a happy family life, but it is time to recognise that this isn't going to happen.
I am presuming that you have told him how you feel? And he still chooses to work abroad?
You both made your choices, I understand that you now feel differently, but you can't live your life wanting him to change, it is ofen said that women want their men to change - BUT THEY DON'T! You have a beautiful daughter - don't waste these early years wishing for something different. I know it is hard, but it is time to look forward to the future and leave the past behind.
Show your daughter that SHE is the best thing in the world to you and you wouldn't have it any other way. Children pick up on how their parents feel, you don't want her to grow up thinking that something is missing.
Good Luck, I know it is hard and it has been a long time that you have been feeling like this, but persevere, happy families are not always what they seem!
Hi, my name is Francesca.
I meet a wonderfull man 13 years agO.I was so in love, he was just the one. I married him and had our first baby. We were over the moon, she was a beautiful angel. After our first daughter I had a miscarriage, then I got pregnant with our son. We had a lovely home, a fantastic family and a very easy life. Mortgage paid, no loans, kids in private school, went out for dinner every monday just the two of us, he bought me flowers nearly weekly, had a very active sex live...and then I found out he had been seing at work a 32 year old woman, who lives sharing a room in a rented house. He said he didnt really know her, that he was not able to see her as he is always home at 4.30pm and spent weekends with me and kids, but he had been kissing her and slept with her over a school trip (they are both teachers). I told him I'll forgive him, we could start from beggining,.. but he said he did not know what he felt for me anymore and that he could not give her up. But he has given up on a 5 and a 3 year children, who adore him and his wife who can't live without him.
I wanted to kill myself, then I though about the kids. I gone from a size 12 to a size 6 in a few weeks. I cant sleep at night, I feel so unwanted, so sad, so lonely, so distroyed and betrayed..
All this happened 8 weeks ago. I had to face Xmas with the kids as he couldn't be bothered to see the kids but instead took his lover to a ski resort in France. He's refused to pay for the kids school, so I'm not sure how on earth I'm going to be able to afford it. He's living the live of a 20 year (he's 35, I'm 36), and only sees the kids 1 1/2 hour a week, I have been looking after them 24-7 for 8 weeks now.
I don't know. Everybody says to me it will get easier, but I don't see how. I feel like our lives have been destroyed and I'm dying inside.
Hi
I am so sorry that this has happened.
It is such early days for you, and such a shock that this has happened. There aren't any words that will comfort you either, I know. Only time can help you there, and for now take things a day at a time. Focusing on your children will get you through this.
Is he back in this country now? Have you been able to discuss what is now going to happen, especially with regards to the children's school. What ever path in life he's chosen, he is still their father and needs to be supporting them. Again, sorting out the practical issues that lie ahead can help you too.
I hope you have the support of friends and family.
Please do post again to see if there is anyway we can help you.
well where to start , i cant pretend that me anmy son's father was serious because it wasnt we had met online a year earlier and just chatted and got to know each other before we agreed to meet up with each other . We met up a few times went for drink and yada yada ! we only ever slept together once and with protection aswell but as they say 'once is all it takes' . When i told my son's father that i was pregnant his first question was is it mine ? i should have guessed then what i was in for , he then asked if i would consider a termination which was never a factor in my mind! He decided that he didnt want anything to do with the pregnancy and when my son was born he never visited but all the time i was pregnant and for the first 2 years of my sons life his father wanted to act like a uncle while having a relationship with me ! which for obvious reasons i never took him up on this offer ! he never paid a penny for the first year of my son's life then we came to agreement between ourselves which he failed to keep to ,in all this time he had never informed his parents that they was grandparents so i eventually after many arguements with him wrote and told his parents to which i have never had a reply from them but he texted me to ask for a dna , to which i have replied yep not a problem but you pay ! that was a year ago and im still waiting for the test and have absolutley no contact with him !! my son is my life and id do anything for him and work hard to give us a decent life !
Hi snuggles
That's a shame that your boy can't have some involvement with his dad and grandparents but I guess you can't force them. You may never hear more about the DNA test. I don't know what your financial situation is but you can apply for maintenance anyway through the CSA or via private agreement (see http://www.cmoptions.org/) and then he may go through with the test. Do you have any family support for yourself? it is hard work being a lone parent, so if you haven't got any local support, it might be worth looking at local groups and activities to meet other families.
I guess your son will be starting school soon and that will open up some different opportunities for you?
Do come on here for support, we are here to help
Take care Louise ;)
hi louise
yes i do know about csathank you as when he failed on our private agreement i contacted at which time he ever denied my son sonever asked for a dna ! although i dont receive money regularly from him but because of this he did have to attend court last year and with a view that he will now have to reattend! yes i do find it hard as i can work anything from 32 hours a week to 50 hours i have the support of my mum but she works aswell. it has come to crunch time with me now as although cobi is at nusery we are having problems and i now have todecide less hours less money more cobi time or carry on as we are god so hard ! suppose wait an c what doc says about my son xx
Hi again snuggles
Sorry to hear your son is having a few difficulties; hope the doctor can help. Re your money situation it may be worth going along to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau to check what Tax Credits and other benefits you would be entitled to if you had to cut your hours (which might not be a bad thing as you must be exhausted working all those hours....but I know we parents do what we have to do....). Obviously you will get more tax credits if you earn less and the other good news is that there is a new rile, just come in, that says that child maintenance is no longer counted as income when applying for Housing Benefit or Council Tax Benefit. I am also presuming you already get the 25% reduction in your Council Tax for being a single-adult household?
I do hope you manage to get some Child Support to help you bring up your son
Take care
Louise :)
well i am not entitled to benefits othethan some tax credits as i rent a house with my mum although we pay half everything i cant claim because it 's my parent !!
Further to Louise's post above - does anyone know what the 'low income' criteria might be for applying for Council Tax benefit? I've been googling it but with no definitive answer so far - the form from my district council is a right 'War and Peace' job which I'd happily fill in if there was any likelihood of me getting something but can't be bothered if I knew from the off I wouldn't qualify! Fi x
Hi Fi
Unfortunately I am snowed in today!! But as soon as I am back in work I will try and find out more info. Did you try and ring to speak to them??
hello am vicky a mam to beth who is 5 weeks old tomoro. i have been single since i found out i was pregnant. basically her dad used me and soon as he found out he said he wanted a dna test he still hasnt seen the baby yet. but we are coping alone with my family and friends. i am curently on maternity leave from been a support worker. return back to work in july a will miss my daughter loads.
Hi Vicky
Welcome! Glad you have the support of family and friends, a new baby can be very demanding! See our section on "tips for coping with a new baby" in the Parenting Support section of this board for some words of wisdom from other parents. Look forward to you joining in all the discussions, or starting one of your own
Louise :)
Hi Fi
Obviously I don't want you to post all your personal financial details on the Net!!! but as a general guide re Council Tax if you are getting Working Tax Credit, in the vast majority of cases you either don't qualify or get a miniscule amount per week. However if you are on Income Support then you get full Council Tax Benefit. For people in between these two situations (eg work but not entitled to WTC because of not doing enough hours, or who live on Child Tax Credit and maintenance that takes them over the Income Support threshold) then it is a pro rata entitlement. So, see where your situation fits on this scale.
I would just add, for everyone''s information, that child support received is no longer counted as income for Coucil Tax Benefit or Housing Benefit (but it continues to count for Income Support with a small disregard (used to be £10 but is being updated). Also for general info, don't forget that if you are the only adult occupying the property then you are entitled to a 25% discount in your Couincil Tax and a smaller percentage reduction if a second adult in the house receives only a low income.......and if a child of yours reaches 18 and still lives with you then any Council Tax benefit you are receiving will probably be reduced.
You're right, it is a minefield! :?
Hope this has helped
Louise
Hey ho - thanks for looking for me, Louise! As I'm on WTC I'll obviously have to content myself with the 25% single adult reduction and look forward to the time when I hopefully become a full time student again for a year!!
Fi
hi i am adele have four children aged 17, 15, 12, and 3 and a half. my husband left me 27th december and on tuesday of this week i found out he had been seeing the cleaner from work and moved straight in with her and her two children. i am devastated i cant sleep eat have been off work and i am really struggling despite family support. the children are hurt and angry and feel replaced and rejected despite my best efforts to reassure them. this is compounded with the fact that he has barley seen them . he failed to turn up for my three year old on friday as was planned. she(the other women) is very rough and problamatic and i have concerns about the effect of this on my younger children. i also feel it will not last. despite this for the childrens sake i did manage a rather weepy phone call to him to try to iron out accsess to the three yr old as she does love her dad. i agreed on the phone he could see her at the womens house mon to thursday am as she is in work then and could have her to stay friday night as she works nights from 10pm till 8pm in the morning. how ever he did not arrive. luckily i had not told her so she was no the wiser she has been let down i was though and this has added to the way i am feeling. i am bewildered and to make matters worse he and his new partner work with my mum and my two sisters in a small residential mental health home. they all had a feeling it was going on but none of them had actually witnessed anything. it is really humiliating and i really am desparate for some advice and support from other people who have been through something similar. i feel out of my depth and as a parenting advisor running parenting courses the children and our survival is the most important thing. please help
Hi adele, how devastating to be deserted mid Xmas, how confusing for your poor children, it sounds as if it was completely out of the blue? It is good to hear that you have family support although I imagine you feel a little let down by them if they had an inkling of what was going on. You say you have been off work and I think that is totally understandable, you need time to yourself to sort everything out in your head. Unfortunately many people on this site are sharing similar happenings at this time.
You can only reassure your children so much, they need to know the reality of what is going on and how much it has hurt you, not by flinging yourself on the floor and howling but you can tell your three eldest what a shock it has been for you and that you are hurting and bewildered by the turn of events and that you need their support now too. They are old enough to understand about relationships, what is ok and what is not. Meaning that if your relationship wasn't working then the respectable thing to do is to separate then work together to share the children, not move in with another woman and her children and ignore what their own family is going through.
I can't offer any advice, but maybe you could try and have a chat with your eldest 3, then have a pizza and video night and just be...altogether, chilling out as you have all been through a massive upheaval that may take up to a year to settle.
Hi all My name is Richard aged 48 years young lol I was married at the age of 25 to whom I thought was a wonderful lady . We were very close and went everywhere together . We were great friends , although we were total opposits of each other . She was zany , funny . We both loved music especaily me , I loved to dance . Up to the age of 37 I was still shaking my bootie so to say . We lived a council house but finnaly got round to buying it and turning it into our little heaven . It was lovely . I worked realy hard to make it all our own . At the time I didn't see any signs of what was about to appear many years later as alcoholism . We both decided early in our relationship that children weren't part of our plans . but things changed and my ex changed her mind which was ok by me . So we had our 1st child who is now 14 . I thought that she would happy now that she had a son but she decided she would like another child . Then we had our second child ( daughter ) who is now 10 . My ex gave up work to look after the children and I made a career change as we would now need more money . Before the children came along we both like to have a drink or two or even three or four but as I look back I can see now that my ex liked it a lot more than I did and what I thought was a zany personality was part of addiction to alcohol .I can remember coming home and finding ex shaking and looking at cracks in the pavement in the back garden and thinking to myself is something wrong with her mentaly not even thinking about alcohol . This went on for years until one day I had to get the doctor to the house where she revealed she had a drink problem . One day she went out with my youngest in her trolley, as time went by I became increasingly worried as it was getting late, as I was about to take my son with me and drive around to see where she might be . I recieved a phone from the local Police who informed that my wife was found drunk in charge of a minor in the local park and was taken to the local hospital for treatment and tests . When I got the hospital I was informed further of the extent of her condition . To be honest I became relieved in some way because now I had an answer for her odd behavior for the past 2 years and that at least we have got the bottom of it all now and we can now try and fix the problem .
I was wrong it was only the start of a jouney I would not want to start again . Over thet next four years the situation deterated so badly . Her drinking became worse , she stopped eating , taking of herself and the children and as I had no family or friends to help out when time were realy rough .I would recieve calls when i just got work with my children screamming down the telling me that mummy was on the floor and that they needed something to eat and to be taken to school so I would have to rush back from work on nunerous occassions to get my children to school washed and fed then back to work I would go . My ex was very abusive , verbally and I have to say I wasn't in the best mental state by now . It came to a point I got in touch with social sevices to help out while I was at work , just to keep an eye on things while I was not there . but eventualy I had to leave the marital home as I realised that me ex could do something stupid to me while I was asleep. There were many times when my ex would wake me up by hitting me with a bottle in the face or even try to stab me . I got to used to sleeping with one eye open . I have to say I had to restrain her on a number of times but I soon realised my mental state wasn't what it should be . So I made the decision to leave the home , well to be honest it was one of my work colleagues who said you need to get out of there Richard because you look a mess so he offered me a room in his home for which I was so grateful . As weeks went by recieved numerous phone calls of abuse and of course of the children screaming. I do have to say at this point that I did return every day to make sure my children were fed and watered . Like I said as time went by things went from bad to worse then one day I recieved a call that changed everything for ever . My socail worker told me to return to the home and take my children away from my ex , give up my job and go into homeless . My life changed forever from that moment .That was four years ago and although times have been hard for us three we have made it through . We are now in a council house but hey it is heaven to us . I work part time , my eldest is a great lad and an inspiration to me . My litte Pricess who is now 10 is the artist in the house . There isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't make me a card or drawing of some kind . On this journey I have learnt so much about alcholism but also about myself , about being a father , a man . What ever that means. Back then I didn't think there was a future but I was wrong because I'm here .
Hello Richard welcome to the online group.
You have certainly been through some tough times and I can really appreciate how hard that has been. A very close friend of mine had an alcoholic partner and she eventually died but everything he went through before that is echoed in your story. So you have now established a stable home for your kids and that's great news!
Hope you find lots of new friends and support on the boards
Louise :)
Thanks for sharing Richard, you have been through the mill and it is such an inspiration to hear that you and your children have come out the other side. Making the first break can be the hardest, and although it doesn't always feel like the right thing to do, in your heart of hearts you knew it was. Pat yourself on the back for being brave, strong and taking control. I recently heard from a child that a fathers role is to protect the family whether he is with the mum or not and that is certainly what you are doing. Be proud of yourself!
Look forward to hearing more from you :)
HI Louise and Anna
Thanks for your kind words , I'am sure I will find new friends and be in a position to advise and help as much as I can and also recieve any further friendly advice in the future . x
Hi mr man
Your reply just made me think that from all the experience you do have, you may be able to follow a career path with it? Working with children of alcoholics or adults, supporting parents etc, although you might want to be completely rid of it perhaps? Just a thought!
HI Anna
I'am considering getting a mens group together . I used to go to meeetings with ALANON which is part of AA which helps family members of alcoholcs . Being a man and knowing how hard it can be to open up and admit you can't cope isn't easy and although ALANON does help you to start thiinking about yourself and your own sanity . I did find it difficult to open in front of other member who were female .This may sound selfish but I don't mean it to but I realy want to aim my help and support towards men who are struggling with partners and alcohol . TO those also who are now bringing up children alone because of it .I know we have father's who have children at weekends , good luck to them and God bless . Being a fulltime father is much more different ,I understand the confusion , frustration and sometimes the anger of what a man can hold because of Alcohol . I would love to make a career out of helping other men to move forward but I haven't realy got a clue how to go about it . Maybe some advice is required lol.
Hi Mr man
I have been surfing the net to see what there is in and around Manchester for men, unsurprisingly there is very little, but I did come across two things that I thought might be of some interest, here are the links:
http://penguinreaders.campaignserver.co.uk/topic.php?id=44
http://manchester.gumtree.com/manchester/51/32720951.html
Then I went to Advice Finder on the One Space homepage, I put Manchester in the 'area' and then alcohol in the 'subject' and it came back with 12 searches! This got me thinking that if you approached those agencies and told them what you were interested in doing and offer your services voluntarily, which could be as little as one hour a week, you may find that they will be really supportive in furthering your career. I found that when I volunteered, when a job came up within the organisation they would look to me first if i was interested. Get in touch with them, maybe they can give you some further advice. I think with your experience you would be a valuable asset to any of the orgs mentioned.
Best of Luck, let me know if you decide to contact them. :)
That is a great idea Anna , I'am certainly considering that option .
Hi Richard
Just to say you should be really proud of yourself and your children for coming through such difficult times and thank you for sharing it with us.
Best wishes
Lynn
HI Lynn
Tanks for your kind words . I would like to let you all know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I must say that my journey of the past years has changed me for ever but in a positive way . I'am still rebuilding myself , brick by brick but I'am so much better than I used to be . We have all come a long way and are all blessed because of it.
my name is kerry, im a single parent of two great kids, 6 n 2, my ex my youngests father beat me up, n i ran for the hills as fast as i could with 2 lil uns in tow, i found out at beg of last year he was arrested for physical and sexual assault on a 2 year old, he is in crown court middle next month, i am so very frightened by all of it, what if he found not guilty and the judge gets it wrong, i know he will fight for access, so scared
i will never ever trust anyone esp men ever again,
only i could join an online support group and be here all alone, typical ole me really
Hi porkpig
I'm sure you feel very scared and isolated at the moment , I think we have all been there sometime in our lives . Believe me and hold on tight , it does and will get better . Just take one day at a time or even one hour at a time . There's plenty of friends on here who will give advice and support so just stick in there . God bless
Hi
Well done for getting away. Takes courage and I'm so glad you found it.
We are about, but as you say, it's not busy enough yet to have someone happening to log-on at the same time.
Take care
Hello porky pig
Kerry, it is natural that you are scared, with what you have been through. Have you got support from Women's Aid during this time? If not then go to http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ or freephone 0808 2000 247.
If the children's father is wanting to have parenting time (presuming he is not imprisoned) then you may feel more comfortable for this to take place in a Child Contact Centre. This is a neutral place where contact is supervised and is particualrly suitable for when there is thought to be an element of concern about the parent. Other people use it simply because they do not have suitable facilities for children (for example if living in a hostel etc) and it provides a warm, friendly place with toys provided. To find out more, go to http://www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php
it is important to look after yourself now and try to find people around you to talk with and reassure you.
Stay strong ;)
Louise
Hi porky pig :lol: great name!!
What a scary time for you, Louise mentions Womens Aid and I wanted to add the Freedom Programme, go to http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/venues.cfm to find one near you, not only will you get support during the time he is in court but you will get support with what you have experienced and share time with other women who have been through similar circumstances.
I am so sorry no one was online to chat with you Saturday night, but hopefully you will come back and see that there are many people here for you. :)
thank u all for ure guidance and advice, i am most grateful for ure kind words, love to u all, k
HI everyone it's me Richard.
I just wanted to get some things of my chest . I have been a single parent now for about 4 and half years . I have my children due to the fact my ex is an alcoholic . I work part time and that is great as it fits in nicely with the kids . My life goes realy well, although it is hard work being alone with no friends or family for moral support or generly being there when I need a shoulder to cry on . I find myself traveling back in time , to when times were good with my ex and I keep asking myself WHY this and WHY that . I know it's all in the past and there is nothing that can change the way things have turned out . I also can't helping thinking why I have been left out in the cold by my ex inlaws . I get no support not even a phone call . Sometimes I just feel so frustrated and lonely and it is a sad fact that I don't want anything to do with any kind of realtionship with the opposit sex in fear that I will be hurt again . I know people say it will take time to recover from such a breakup as I experienced . I have recently had to go to the doctors for antidepressants , which help a little . What a pain in the bum deppression is lol . I'm generaly a nice guy if I don't mind saying myself , at this stage of my life I just want to make friends but sometimes that has it's hazards as sometimes the opposit sex can take it the wrong way as if I'm interested in them romantically . It just makes not want to bother at all ( Bloody Hell lol) . Anyway thats my moan over for today .
Richard
Hi Richard
I have to say I've been really lucky with my ex in-laws. It will be 5 years in March since we split up (Party time!!). My mother-n-law (as I call her) is in fact his step mum. His dad and her were widowed. I'm sure if she was his mum that things wouldn't be this way. If I hadn't taken the children there every week as I had before the split, they wouldn't have seen them at all. I offered to drop them off and pick them up, but no, "even though you're not family now, we still want to see you". They were soon calling me daughter-in-law again.
Mother in law knew what was going on before things got completely out of hand. It went from a bit of a giggle (he had two real life friends - which I could deal with, but then found an internet friend which really made things impossible) as leaving and breaking up the family never crossed my mind. It got too serious though in the end. Things were strained at first. A couple of years ago my father-in-law needed radiotherapy, and we had a timetable to take him to the hospital as he needed to go daily for a while. An hours drive, and he quized me about things. Due to his health, he actually knew very little of what had gone on, including having to sell the family home (what a laugh) to pay off ex's debts. So, that day he was told about it all. My mother-in-law knew he was going to be asking me, so she'd prepared me!
Gone off topic there, sorry. But I am very lucky with my in-laws, which is good for my children who love their grandparents and are very much loved by them.
As for the opposite sex(!). I have a friend which merely re-enforced my views that I am far better off alone. My ex told me I was a difficult person, and I've come to the conclusion he's right! He would cancel contact at the very last minute too, and so with no time for a social life, things were never going to work. This chap though is a good friend, and I know if there's an emergency I can contact him.
I used to be a confident person, and some days I feel that I am again, but I've found that it takes so little to knock me back again. I seem to be able to pick myself up again though. I find my life is 100% dedicated to the children (unless Wales are playing rugby, in which case they watch it with me or sit in the other room!). My social life is very much the computer (sad, perhaps, but I do enjoy it). The driving school has to become a reality so I can get them through into the careers they choose (daughter wants to be a VET!!!!!), then who knows what.
I do know where you're coming from with the lonely part.
Going to the school now to listen to Year 3 children read. A bit of company!
Take care.
Hi sparklingtime
Thanks for your reply . I'm the same as you , I feel quite confident with life in general but as you say it doesn't take a lot to knock the wind out of my sails . I often wonder if I would ever have the courage or even the emotional strength again to hold a relationship together . Richard
I guess it's a scenario of you 'don't know until you've tried it'. I was married for 20 years, and having had a relationship, I'm happy to just keep it to me and the children for now! The children and I have a lot of fun, and they seem ok it being just the five of us.
I suppose everyone is different as to whether they want to move on to another partner quickly or take some time out. In general, people I have worked with seem to benefit from taking that time to be on their own, and if and when they meet someone then they have had a chance to think about what they really want
best wishes
Louise ;)
Well, met my husband at university and we were together for 14years - love's young dream with plans and hopes stretched out infront of us. We were a popular couple and very happy. My family absolutely adored him. We tried for a baby for a while and, after and miscarriage and heartache, we had a beautiful baby girl. Things went downhill from there. He worked longer hours, went on more school trips (yes, a teacher), disappeared overnight sometimes and was generally horrible to live with. He blamed depression. I supported him through months and months and months of it and defended his behaviour to friends and family. All whilst looking after our new girl. Then I discovered he was having an affair with another teacher. Younger, single, ignorant. Someone who I had encouraged him to 'develop' within the department because I thought she had 'potential'. Ahhhhh, hindsight! So, he professed his undying love for me, we moved to gives things another go and then he started his disappearing acts again. This has run on for close to two years and it is only in the last few months that I am really getting to grips with it. I will not be treated like it and I will not let my daughter become used to living like it. We are a happy little unit - ok, I get pangs of overwhelming sadness when I think about what our dreams were as a family. I still get tearful and I still feel unbelievable hatred towards 'the bint' (it fades I am assured). But I realise I can make new dreams - and I have to because my little girl deserves every happiness in life, and more. My husband (who will become ex-husband later in the year) is still not happy but is still unable to offer me what I need (fidelity, respect and honesty) - it has taken me ages to realise that I am a complete person without him and I can succeed in life without him. In fact I HAVE to because my daugher deserves everything I have to offer. That's not to say that I dont have my bad days - in fact, today is one of them. BUT...:
1) It does get 'easier'. You find ways to get on and adapt
2) There is so much help and friendship out there - its hard to take initially but, when the wounds start to heal, poke your nose out of the cave
3) Life does throw 'sh*te' at you - catch it (with gloves on!) and make it in to some artwork...i.e. make something out of the situation you are dealt
4) Lean on those who offer themselves - it all comes around and when you are stronger you can offer them support when they need it. Human life.
5) Yes, articles and opinions on 'single mothers' can be quite hurtful and frustrating - its not a situation I would have chosen but I am certainly not a bad person or the root of all society's evils...
Hi, Mummy24 here (aka Michelle)
I call myself Mummy24 as I am a Mummy and I am 24. That simple.
I was in a relationship with my daughter's father for almost 6 years. She was planned and I thought we would be together forever, the good old fairy tale.
Anyway, cut a long story short, the relationship turned sour, we agreed to end it amicably and continue as we had done with our arrangements for Faye. Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? Well it was. Ex went crazy, abuse, blackmail, harrassment, phonecalls, threats, tried to kidnap our daughter - all in an attempt to make me feel bad and take him back, not a thought for the child involved. He didn't see her for five months and then decided to drag me through the Courts. 9 months later Court rules in my favour giving me residence and contact to him. He then immediatley decides he will do whatever the hell he wants, collect her when he want, drop her off when he wants, not bother coming for her if he doesn't feel like oh and the best one, anytime he does spend with her, he spends using it to tell her bad things about mummy.
What a ****.
ANyway, I decided just to get on with my life as that was the best way of getting to him. I don't speak ill of him, I encourage my daughter to talk about daddy if she wants to, I smile and nod when he picks her up. I don't let him see if he gets to me. He doesn't like it.
It hasn't been easy. I suffered, stress, anxiety and panic attacks, lost 3 stone in weight and still get headaches. But youve gota get on with it so thats what I do.
Faye is 3 years old now and is brilliant, I wouldn't want her any other way.
She'l realise when she is old enough that mummy never pressured her or did anything wrong and fought through life just to make her life better.
Its hard and lonely being a single parent and I never imagined I would be hear, but now, I have a better life than I ever did when I was with her father. I have my friends back, my independence, my figure and my confidence.
Life is back on the up. ;)
Mummy24 - amazing lady - thanks, I draw strength from your post.
my choice
my very ex didnt want to know, walked out when i thought i was, pregnancey test showed the opposite.
We split and i moved closer to home for a better job and my friends.
In late October, i suffered massive stomach pains whilst out running, urged to see a GP he diagnosed ovarian cysts. At the scan i met my daughter. I was nearly 8 mths pregnant, not showing nothing.
I didnt tell my ex, he was a bully and a low like plus i had moved on with no idea of where he might be.
I consider myself blessed, my daughter is an angel, although with devil tendancies, and whilst yes a partner would be grand, i dont think i could easily give up what me and my daughter have.