Your story!

I work full time as a child minder, but with this job you really never know from week to week what you are going to bring in and also a parent can come and end the contract at any time, meaning i lose money straight away. I love the job, but the uncertainty now that i need to make sure bills get paid makes it difficult. I am seriously thinking of looking for something more permenant which is more secure.

I phoned the Child Tax credit line yesterday, after i had written on here, and they have reassessed my claim and will pay me again from this week, and the money has gone up quite a bit, which is really going to help. It would have helped if they had sent a covering letter with their last one to tell me they were doing this, then maybe i wouldn't have panicked so much :shock:

Do you know if i have to let my husband know how much they are now paying? If i do he will reduce the payments he is giving me at the moment.

I am looking forward to being 5 years down the line like you and looking back and wondering just why i got so upset. Thank you again.

Personally, I don't see why you should tell your husband anything with regards to the benefit, as it will be based on your income alone. I do admire you so much being a childminder.

I know that the staff of the benefits system are well snowed under, but their inconsideration adds to such desperate situations.

I'm on incomse support (even though I worked for over 22 years I still can't get used to it), and happened to mention that I was hoping to train to be a driving instructor. They stopped by benefits two weeks before Christmas without notice! It was an awful time and I totally fell apart.

I hope that I will succeed in being a driving instructor - and just maybe I'll have that secure career, but maybe not lots of money with four children... :roll:

Five years down the road I still get upset over stuff! I look back and think I really don't have a reason to get worked up now, but I do! I think it what affects you at the time. My children are quite used to me crying over things and don't even react anymore! :lol: I'm a very emotional person though - take after my mum!

I hope it's not too long now before your son is home with you.

Best wishes

Hi Mousie

What a terrible shock for you, coming out of the blue like that. the latest phone call sounds as if he is trying to convince himself you are a horrible person so that he can justify his behaviour to himself. Of course he "can't be doing with your crying", he feels guilty and can't cope with the responsibility.

It must be very difficult reassuring your daughter and keeping things stable. Can I recommend a book to you? "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall is very helpful and the first half of the book helps you deal with the breakup and understadn why you are feeling as you are. Don't hesitate to get help from your GP if things get really tough. Do you have a lot of contact with your two older children? They can maybe be a big support right now.

It is early days at the moment so don't expect too much of yourself. I am glad you found us: you will get lots of support here

Take care

Louise :)

hi -im sam, 39 and 2 lovely girls, 13 and 5

have now been a single parent twice now. Dad no 2 has been gone for now 7 months and i suppose I am coping ok. Really lonely in the evenings though and on the days that dad no 2 shows up and takes them out for the day. Having difficulty with so called friends that I thought I had, now havent seen them for ages and the atmosphere is bad. Not having a partner seemed to change them and we dont really have much in common.

Stuck in a rut at the moment and finding it difficult to get out socially and meet anyone new.

hi all this is my story

i met my ex through a blind date he was really lovely had a honeymoon period then the suprise came that i was pregnant while on the pill 3 months into the relationship, i did say to him then that i would understand if he wanted to leave me as it was so early in the relationship, he said no a couple months down the line he proposed i said yes and we decided to start planning wedding. my pregnancy went on and i had our little girl then looking back things did start to seem different when i was pregnant but i put it down to hormones. when our daughter was about 7 months old he dropped the bombshell that he had been seeing someone else through most of my pregnancy and all of the time after this was only 8 months before our wedding so i had to deal with canceling all of that and trying to claim money back as well as the coming to terms with being a single mum and all that comes with it.
i did take him back a couple months later but it only last not even 2 months and he informed me that he hadnt stopped seeing this other girl like he had said and he was in love with her not me. he said lots of nasty things that second time like he wanted me to have a abortion (i dont agree with them). so we split for good that time.
he started out really good with contact and giving me maintenance money then things started slipping he would make excuses let us down at last minute notice or just not turning up at all. this got worse he had numerous chances from me for just another chance to prove he could be good at contact. then went on for a while then i decided to stop the contact as i decided how it was just wasnt right for our daughter. i gave in though to his begging and it started again but he stopped the maintence payments to the csa. then fast forward to a couple of months ago and it all started slipping again he would go weeks with not seeing her and when he did have her he just didnt put any effort in. the icing on the cake that pushed me to the final choice i have made of not letting him have contact he was taking her out in a car without a car seat including fairly long journeys. he has not seen or spoke to her now for around 3 months ish i have told him that now if he wants contact it will need to be sorted by a solicitor which he refuses to do so the ball is completely in his court.
i am having lots of trouble with my daughter now which all stems from not seeing him
sorry this is a long post

Hello Shell

it sounds as if you have had a lot of ups and downs with the other parent and all credit to you that you tried to arrange contact with your daughter. Whilst I support this in almost all cases, I would say one of the exceptions if when your child's safety is compromised and certainly the car seat thing is very worrying so you had to do what you had to do, you can't take that risk :shock: Please bear in mind that parental contact and the payment of child support are two completely separate things in law and you are entitled to that child support whether he sees his daughter or not. I hope in the future they will be able to rebuild their relationship but in the meantime keep on being a great mum :)

Take care

Louise

Hi. My ex and I bought a home about 20 miles from my hometown, to a little town where it was only he and his mother that I knew. (Clever huh?) We were fine for a few months til he started texting other girls and being really possesive of his phone and the internet. So we argued about that alot. We arranged and cancelled a wedding. Which is hard enough as things were never the same again and we decided to part ways June 2007 until I found out I was pregnant. So we decided to get back together and give things another go for the sake of our daughter.
We bought this home together yet he never once helped me pay for the mortgage or bills. And I was working full time just to pay for our home with no money left over. He never once helped.
I had a very traumatic birth with my daughter. I had pre elampsia which was missed even tho I had all the symptoms besides the high blood pressure. I eneded up having a seizure during the pushing stage of labour and we are both lucky to still be ok. I had a lot of symptoms which my midwife just dismissed and told me to drink coke! Bet she had a shock lol.
Anyway we were in hospital for a week, Livy in the neo natal due to a heart murmour, problems breathing and pneumonia (however u spell it). After the birth my ex was very attentive and seemed to have snapped bk into the man I fell in love with as he realised he had nearly lost the both of us for good.
Sadly this was short lived and he started getting onto me about how he had to be up early for work and how he couldnt help at night time feeds or helping get her to sleep. Or shouting at me because she was crying and disturbing his sleep. he would also moan that I hadn't had chance to iron his uniform yet despite having to adjust to being a new mum for the first time.
He already had a son from a previous relationship and said that his ex managed to cope with it all and a new baby and threw her in my face. So he started taking all his clothes to his mother. Who by the way is one of the vilest people I have ever met.
She is so possesive of her son, she wont let him do anything for himself, he has been spoilt all his life. he doesnt even deal with his own money matters, mummy does it for him despite being nearly 25. She was alway condescending of me, and what I did was not to his or her standards. We knocked horns more than once. Until she finally told me that everything I was doing with my child was wrong, despite the fact that most of her own children want nothing to do with her. So I ended contact with here there and then.
One night whilst on our own whilst my parents looked after my daughter, my ex and I enjoyed a bottle of wine together, when for no reason at all he flipped. I went upstairs out of his way to avoid an argument and he followed me and attacked me. It was the first time and the last. He had his hands around my throat, headbutted me, cut my hand open coz I had his door key in my hand that he was trying to get off me. He kept saying to me 'If I want to kill you I will' I believed he would. Then when I finally got downstairs to ring my parents for help he threw my phone against the wall and me against the wall and started smashing up my home. My parents had called the police but he had gone by the time they arrived. They picked him up at his mothers but he told them that I attacked him with a knife so it was his word against mine so the charges were dropped. I did no such thing!
He begged me to get back with him and hounded me for weeks. I had to change my number and not go home for weeks.
We talk now, but he only bothers with his child at the most once a month. Which annoys me greatly. He moved out last September and besides the odd meal etc we are no longer together. He has abandoned me with a 5 month old at the time now 14 months and a mortgage as well as bills. It is a daily struggle to get by and sometimes I have to go without but I will never let her. After my bills are paid, I have very little to actually live off and have to borrow of my parents. He gives some money for her but despite that the mortgage is also still in his name too and doesnt help at all.
Sorry to ramble on. Just needed to lol.
xxx

Hi there, I'm DizzyD and I'm a 35 year old mum to my wonderful 3 year old boy. I had the dream, the wonderful wedding and then the agony of trying for family, with a miscarriage then an ectopic and then finally 3 years ago my wonderful son entered the world. Six weeks after that his dad was made redundant and along with that went the tied house. I had to return to work early and we eventually got a house (small but at least it was a house) and that was the downturn to my wonderful life. I suffered from post natal depression and unfortunately my husband didn't know how to support me and instead of helping me, he withdrew into himself. We decided to go to relationship counselling 8 months ago and after one session he decided he didn't want to make it work and left. This left me reeling, how can you walk away from the family that you have tried so hard to conceive without even trying to make things work?? The questions of "did he ever love me at all?" and "what did I do to make this happen?" keep on spinning round my head. Since then I have gone through hell, suffering from depression, and feelings of guilt for my son growing up without his daddy there to say goodnight to him everynight. Since his daddy left, my son has found it hard to adapt to the once a fortnight weekend visits and his behaviour has changed dramatically. Everyone says that it will get better with time but I'm still waiting...............

Hello DizzyD

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it has been 8 months since the separation, but that's not long. I well remember that it took about a year before I felt I was able to come up for air, and I was the one who chose to end the relationship. :cry: For now, it s matter of gettting through a day at a time. Before too long, you will be thinking in terms of a week at a time, and then you will know that things are getting better.

Are you getting some support from your GP through the depression? I wonder if you feel a few sessions with a counsellor would help? You may never understand the reasons your husband left or how he felt about being a parent after so much trauma....but that is his problem. As sparkling lime had said to her: "he has made that choice". Now it is time to get on with YOUR life.

I know it is hard but try to think about meeting other people, even if only to say "hello" in the playground. You could invite another child to play and have coffee with his/her Mum? If all this seems too much of a hurdle at the moment (and it might!) then have a chat with your Health Visitor who will know about facilities in your area and, for example, what is available at your local Childnre's Centre. It's really important to look after you right now, especially as you are the main person in your dear little son's life.

keep on positng, there's lots of support here. If you feel really bad, especially in the night when there's no-one else around, don't forget the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They are brilliant and have helped me through a couple of bad patches in the past.

Take good care

Louise :)

Don't let him walk all over you, set your ground rules and be firm about it, don't let him use your house as a B&B, don't try to be nice and understanding on the off chance that he may come round and return to his previous self, if he complains remind him that it was his decision to walk out, and if he still complains get a solicitor : )

How are the children coping? Resist the temptation to use them as tools against him, not saying you will but just in case you were thinking about it : )

From the language in your two posts that I've read you seam to be taking it quite well, are you?

My story is quite simple really ..

September 2006 i went to a clients house / mansion warming party and met a really nice fella who i wanted to give my number to. So i passed my number to one of his friends who i had been chatting to and he jokingly asked if he could keep it. I agreed and by the time i got hom we were texting constantly. I agreed to meet him and get to know him which i did. We got on really well although looking back we don't have anything much in common! He is into nine inch nails kind of music and i am a very dance / pop / r&b kinda girl.
November 5th 2006 i was supposed to go to his for the night but was at my mums for a firework bbq and got a really nasty text from him accusing me of sleeping with another of his friends behind his back. So i drove the 25 miles to his house just to prove how much i cared and he wouldn't have it to be! Wouldn't even open the door to me. I threw stuff at his windows and everything! After a while i saw his landlord and pretended i was locked out so he let me into the flat where i was met by a rather unhappy man. I fought my corner and he threatened to throw me down the stairs.
He pushed me against the wall and kept yelling at me and i have no idea why but i yelled back 'take our hands off me i'm pregnant!!'. Maybe i knew deep down inside?? Anyways my period turned out to be late so i kept waiting and waiting and eventually on Nov 13th i did a test and found out that my not so small chance of becoming pregnant had happened!! I told him a few days after and he vowed to be the doting dad although he wasn't ready to be a father (at 36!) and arranging the name for our son (it couldn't be a girl because it had to play football) which was Wilberforce or any name from Liverpool football team. After a few days of us being back to normal he change his mind again and went awol down the pub and his shit stirring friend who broke us up the first time started all over again!
I went for my scan with just my mum in January 2007 and even took him a picture that he put on the fridge (and was still there in march!) but soon after we fell out and he agreed to be there for the baby. We never really spoke after i walked out of his house in the early hours of one morning wondering why i was bothering when he gave me the ultimatum of him or the baby. In march i found out that i was going to have a little boy and i left it a while before telling him but he wasn't interested and never asked for the picture.
I didn't really hear from him after and only saw him in march once for the very last time. I tried to contact him but he didn't answer and he text me on the boys due date to ask if he was a daddy yet. He eventually found out through his friend who was another client when my son was a week or two old.
The father now has a new gf and has been with her for a while. The bit that irritates me is that she has children by someone else and he apparently adores them!! HELLO ??
He's never seen the boy and has only paid CSA a handful of times. Denies that my son is anything to do with him but won't take the DNA test!!!!
I have only ever sent one picture of the boy to him and he agreed he looked like him. Also his sister-in-law works in a shop 25 miles away and i met her completely by accident and while talking to her she claimed the family were desperate to see the boy so i left my contact number but 6 months on i realise they really aren't that bothered by their flesh and blood! She also confirmed that the boy is his fathers child as they look identical as small children.
To be honest i think i am better off without him and so is the boy. Especially without a hideous name!!! hehehehe :D

The boy will be 2 in 4 weeks and to be honest i am doing just fine on my own with a little help from family and the very few friends i have!

Sorry for rattling on!! :D

:lol: Professor Bubblegum!

me and the boy, how you have grown in strength over these last three years! You have a had a tough time and I am delighted that you have come through the worst. Hang on in there!

Family and friends can help us through so much. :)

I'd be lost without my friends (other than an elderly Aunty, I've no family close by).

Are you sure it wasn't the Asda delivery lady, Bubblegum? ;) Seriously your story shows how irrational people can be.

me and the boy, we are back to "early warning signs" again, there seems to be a pattern here with peoples' old relationships. I truly think that some partners should come with a Health Warning! it would be useful if this were permanently tattooed on their necks so we could tell.

I'm going to add

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I am glad your life is on the up, me and the boy :)

Know what you mean about the Job Centre. I went with my friend to sign on and all the staff did was moan about their jobs. My friend said "well I am free if you want me to do the job intead" That shut 'em up! :x

Hi Bubblegum

I do believe that we tend to "pick" the same type of person until we realise the pattern. There is a book called "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and that looks at lots of different relationships where the woman thinks that she can "cure" what ails her partner, whether its alcoholism or just incapcability of forming a good relationship. I don't see why the same couldn't be true for a man.

If you have always been a nurturing person, or seen a parental relationship work that way then that could be what you equate with love. Some people look for a partner to complete their own flawed parenting experience eg if a woman has had an unhappy childhood then they look to get this bit of themsleves fulfilled in a love relationship and they see you as the one who can do that for them? Maybe you should start a secret "checklist" of what would be better in a new partner and keep it till you need it! 8-)

I too seem to attract only people with fundamental problems, a couseller that I saw breifly recommended i make a list to avoid future mistakes. So I started with 17 checkpoints. But everytime I meet someone I seem to find more things that are non-negotiatable and the list is now 27 items long! I think I'm soon to make it mathematically impossible to find a match! My top two are that my partner must be both clever and funny - why is that such a difficult combination to find??!!

Like a lot of people i like to take in the abandoned and have a tendency to feel sorry for men! Especially those who are lonely. I need to make a check list! I think my top problem is i always go for much older men!! I can't deal with younger men especially not now as it would be like having two children :lol:

I like funny, a man who can talk to my face and not my breasts and a nice clean healthy smile :D I don't ask for much but they tend to talk to my breasts all the same! Men hey??

hello all,
im new here so thought id introduce myself and tell my story at the same time, im a single mum with a 13 yr old son and 2 daughters aged 5 & 6, my first ex i met when i was 14 and he was in his 20's i thought it was love and ended up pregnant at 15, having a very premature baby with health problems and a mentally and physically abusive partner by the time i was 16, eventually left and met my girls dad while i was out partying hard making up for all the teenage yrs id missed out on and to cut a long story short grew up and settled down when i fell pregnant for my 1st daughter by the time i had my second daughter i was a single parent again, my son has no contact with his dad and my girls see there dad when he can be bothered but am really struggling with it at the moment as he hasn't grown up and thinks things are acceptable which i don't :evil: but thats another story, anyway i am doing the best i can trying to raise my children alone, its very very hard at times but i love my children very much and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

hope i haven't gone on to much, looking forward to talking to u all,

nicki x x

Hello Nicki

It's hard work, isn't it? And very frustrating when you get little or no support from the other parent? :x I noticed you have the user name "worn downand2 tired" and I guess that is how it must feel at the end of a long day (or at six o' clock in the morning! :shock: )

Have you got some good friends around you? that would help a great deal and you could give each other a bit of child-free time.

Have a look at the ideas on this site, especially with the summer holidays looming, You are very welcome here and I hope you soon feel at home and that you have some new, online friends :)

Hi again,
and thanks for the replies :)

i do have help in the form of my mum who is great, but she is remarried and is bringing up 2 step-children with her new husband and also has 2 jobs at the moment :shock: so she is quite busy but tries to help when she can, i dont have any friends that i would feel comfortable leaving the children with.

as for my girls dad hmmmm i dont know where to start, i havent gone down the route of solicitors as i dont feel he would bother if i did, i really want him to be a good dad and see the girls but he frustrates me, ive told him he can come and see them whenever he likes and we would work towards him having them regular on his own (he has always been on/off seeing them) so for 2-3 months he was coming down almost every week so i told him he could have them for a few hours as long as he respected that they were in my care 99% of the time so therfore he has to respect my wishes, well the first time of being able to take them out on his own (which he has been nagging to do for i dont know how long) he takes them in a car with him driving, no license, insurance etc etc, and the only reason i found out was because the girls told me a few weeks later. on top of that he takes them in ppls cars with my daughter on his lap in the front of the car :evil: :evil: and just thinks im "moaning" and trying to be difficult when i say something. were at the stage at the moment where ive stopped contact for now as i just cant get through to him that although i know he would never intentionally hurt his daughters his wreckless and thoughtless behaviour could!! i really dont know what to do for the best :(

as for my name thats how i feel atm, its not the physical side of being a lone parent that exhausts me it the mental and emotional side of it :( :(

nicki x x