I wasn't told they were only temporary until it was time for the contact via the contact centre to end. That was back about 2003/2004. My dad stepped in and offered his place for access, to supervise access himself and for contact to be arranged through him. Initially my ex turned up regularly but he hasn't been heard of for over 7 years. Last thing I heard was a Catholic Church wrote to me at my parent's address asking about were we married in a Catholic Church, etc as he was planning on getting re-married in a Catholic Chrurch. I just answered their questions in my reply but my mum wrote to them letting them know what sort of man he is and what he did to me.
Access at a contact centre didn't work very well for my kids. My oldest didn't want to see his dad but didn't have the confidence to tell the staff but it had to come from him not me. Their dad often did not turn up. The twins were often upset because they didn't get to do what they expected (play with the toys) unless their dad turned up and having Autistic Spectrum Disorders couldn't cope with the sudden change in plans and were very upset by it- the boring room we had to wait in aimed only at adults (it was for the parents bringing the children to wait in during access) didn't help. The twins were too young for their wishes to count, or to even make a fully thought through choice, and even my oldest had to at least turn up at the contact centre and be brave enough to tell these people he didn't know he didn't want to see him, which he was never able to do as he was too scared, so I had to drag all 3 there with them kicking and screaming trying hard to avoid going. If he did turn up my mum, who helped me get the boys in and out, and I got verbally abused by my ex in front of and within hearing range of the children on the way out. One time he turned up with other people and the situation was quite threatening as they weren't there just to support him but to threaten me- he got a warning for that. He ignored the twins, who ened up just playing with the contact centre staff and had no idea who their dad was (one of them even called a male member of staff dad & asked for a hug so the staff in the room had to be women so they would know which one was dad but when I spoke to him about it on the way out calmly asking he let the twins know he's their dad he just got angry at me. I had only agreed to it because I had no choice and at least it was supervised. My kids enjoyed access at their grandparent's but my ex obviously lost interest in bothering to to even arrange to come to see them after a few months. He hasn't been heard from for over 7 years. I could have done with some support at the time- my mum never has been any good at emotional support and she doesn't want to hear about any emotional difficulties. Nowadays although I still have some anger about the system, which seems to be like legalised child abuse, I am not angry at my ex any more.
Hello Aspie Mum,
Your experiences of "the system" are dreadful and I imagine you are just relieved not to have had to deal with it all for the last seven years, despite the sad fact for the children that their dad has just not been a dad for them.
Nowadays it sounds as if local support is just not there for you, at least at the times you could access it.
Do you have contact with The Family Fund? They can provide an annual grant to help things along and htis might enable you to go for a short holiday or even to fund some childcare!
This comment has been moved here.
Hi Janulka,
welcome to this site - there are some great experts on here who will be along shortly to give you some proper advice!
Your ex is trying to control you by his behaviour (it is well possible that he has mental health issues himself, but that is no excuse for this) and yes, I would say this is psychological and emotional abuse. You say when he is there you make every effort to please him in every respect and still he tells you you're useless? That is abuse.
If you click on the 'your learning' tab at the top here, you'll find a link to something called the Freedom Programme. Have a look at that, hopefully it will help.
Like I said, some proper experts will be on here soon! xxx
Thank you for replying. I feel so alone, but reading the forums I know I am not.
He is very manipulative and pulls out everything he can to come back. even saying to our son that he does not live there because I do not allow him to. It is so hard to explain to 3 year old, So I just tell him that Dad visits us sometimes and stays for a while but he lives somewhere else. Its been going on for so long and everytime I am hopeful things come crushing down. the house was on market twice and he took it off. He laughs when I get legal advice as he tells me that he can sit on the house till he is happy with the offer price and that can be years,
It has been hell, I have been signed off work for a week to pull myself together and got bombarded by texts and emails all that week, how much he wants his family and how sorry he is. I have lost it one day and police were called and took me away. I am so scared that I am the abuser and that I am the one who is responsible for everything. And I am so scared losing my baby that I just go along and try to ignore him when he is back, but I am called silly when I refuse to cook him dinner and put the washing on. I suppose I am just wenting now :-(
You are not the abuser. He is. And he has had a few years practice at it, too.
Is there not somewhere else you could go? Family or friends? I don't think he has any interest in taking your child away, really, because he's quite happy to leave your son with you when he goes. I know it's hard not to be scared (been there) - the best advice I can give is to get family and friends support, and go to see a solicitor. I think you need to physically remove yourself from the situation - obviously taking your son with you - preferably to somewhere your ex doesn't know or have access to.
Venting is ok, half the time you can see a solution, just by talking to someone about your problems. :-)
Sending you a big hug x
Hello janulka12
Welcome to One Space, and thanks for telling us about what is going on for you.
Hopeful has already given you some good information.
Abuse does not have to mean physical injury, This guy has been messing with your head. Will you do something for me? Please click here and read the page and then come back here and tell me which of the types you recognise that sound the same as your partner? I think you will be amazed!
You can also have a look at The Freedom Programme (click) that Hopeful mentioned, it is a free online course for people who have suffered abuse and will help you look at the life you have been living. Life must be very confusing for your little boy too.
You do indeed need some legal advice to see what to do about the house in due course but it is NOT inevitable that you will get back together with him, it is YOUR CHOICE. Seek some support from Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to offer help, whatever you decide to do.
How are you thinking now?
Hello, thank you for your kind words.
He does sound like Headworker, Jailer and Persuader all in one. I am not sure whether they can be more than one type. He came to pick up little one today saying how sorry he is for leaving again, telling me he will have therapy. Its so hard not to talk back angry. I think I have to learn not to show any emotions when he comes in. I became so paranoid thinking he will take the little one and not bring him back. - this has not happened, however I have this irracional fear. I had some legal advice and it does not look good. as we were not married I have less rights about the jointly owned property and the sale of it. I am paying all the bills and mortgage and still can not change the locks or refuse him entry as the property is in both names. I could put residency order in place, however that does not resolve anything about the sale of the house. Well I know there is long way for me to go and I am just starting to see everything clearly - I am worried to seek legal advice as he is vindictive - He already stated I can not take little one out of the country to see my parents that I need his ok. I do not want to get back together with him. It is so hard to explain how hard it is to break away from him. He comes across as completely logical in everything he says. I come across as nut case who is the one jeopertising everything.
I am from another country so do not have support network or family here. Few friends that stood by me through all this. I feel a bit ashamed being on this forum when I have not been physically assaulted - I sometimes wish (I know its such a terrible thing to say - and I do not mean any disrespect) that he did hit me so there was something to show for. I am sorry, but its so hard for anybody to understand what it is (to people who does not live with someone like him) how hard everything is. I am sorry to ramble on!!!
I am so worried about the little one too. He keeps asking every morning whether daddy is there. My heart is tearing appart for him, Little one is so lovely and so great!!! I dont know what to say. I hope he does not start hating me for not allowing his dad back into my life.
I don't have anything new, but: this forum is not for people who have been physically abused, but for anyone who is a single parent, or will be or has been. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed! You're doing the right thing looking for help to get out of a situation that is unbearable for you!
Children are quite reliant, and just because you don't want your ex in your life doesn't mean he can't be in your son's life. You do need some legal advise though, with regards to everything. You could start with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau, they may be able to point you in the right direction.
Hang in there and keep posting! You are not alone! :-)
Janulka12, anyone who is bringing up children on their own is welcome here, or who might be in that situation in the future.
I am glad that you could see that your boy's dad is a mixture of all three of those types.
You have some decisions ahead of you. One of the factors that will be in your mind is the house....and yet I say that freedom from fear and worry are even more important. At the end of the day you could walk away from the house and start again. You could also eventually get a court order forcing the sale of the house, but there are other things to consider first.
We have a free Legal Expert on here if you want some more legal advice but I really do think that your next move could be to speak to Women's Aid on the number I gave you, just to explore your options. In the meantime, get together a package of stuff, especially passports, birth certificates etc and find somewhere safe to store these, maybe in someone else's house. Will you make the phone call?
Thank you very much for your advice. I will call them and explore options what I can do. Thank you
Hi, ive just discovered this site via a blog post. Its nice to find people with the same experiences. Ive been a single parent for two years since my husband, to cut the story short, left to live and subsequently marry the "other" woman. I have a good circle of girlfriends but they are all in "happy" marriages. I dont really fit in the typical single mother role, I have a career, my own house (with a morgage) and dont get any benefits. Dont get me wrong, im not well off, I struggle for money and am waiting for pay day every month but I am lucky I had a career. I feel a bit like im the forgotten single parent because I dont fit the stereotype. I admit I dont like to ask for help so my friends probably dont see how down I get. Last week was the first one of the school hols and they were all off with their kids enjoying themselves whilst mine were at their dads and I was at work as usual. I dont like to intrude in their lives but it does get a bit lonely. Ok, thats more moans than I meant.....hi all......
Good morning janulka 12, do keep posting and we will keep supporting you, no-one will force you to do anything you want to (including Women's Aid) but it is all about finding out your options 
Hello sal73ly
Welcome to One Space! I am sorry to hear that you feel like the forgotten one, I know what you mean, when mine were younger, I would sometimes say something and friends would be astounded..."I thought you were Ok", "I did not realise..." Sometimes it is for us to be brave enough to ask for help. Do you work fulltime? It sounds as if the children's dad has them regularly too? Do plan a treat for you and the children when you can. I have always worked and split from my boys' dad when they were three and eight. What's the treat going to be? 
Sal73ly, I know exactly what you mean! I have lots of friends, and we meet for coffee and I've got a girlie group who I go to the cinema with once a month. But all the 'normal' stuff is out, I never get invited to weekend stuff, dinner parties etc... that sort of thing always happens in couples and I'd be an extra.
Never mind, hey?! x
Dear all
It's been interesting to read other people's experiences, and I feel glad that my own separation hasn't been as difficult as some, although it is still the most difficult time of my life. There has been no infidelity, or violence, just what seems like incompatibility.
I met him when I was 30, and he seemed such a decent man unlike many men I had met up until then. I think I was looking for a reliable husband and father. I forgot to ask myself whether I really liked him. On our first trip away together, we had a huge fall out over seemingly nothing, I still don't really know what happened, he had a strange violent emotional reaction to something I did or didn't do, and I ended up consoling him as he sobbed about how he always drives people away from him. I should have run a mile then. I'm a sucker for a man who needs rescuing though.
We travelled for a year together, and so many times in that year we got close to separating for good. this has been the story of our relationship; we are always nearly splitting up, but something was keeping us together. Need, I think, not love. I really wanted to have a family, but he was reluctant, wanted to put it off, but did finally agree we could start trying in 2 years.
We emigrated to Australia 6 years ago, I fell pregnant shortly after and we now have two boys ages 4 and 5 who are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Our marriage got worse and worse over the years, with his emotional reaction to things, his extreme overreactions to small normal errors on my part, his resentment of my "me time", his nasty comments during arguments, his propensity to emotionally punish me, his need to argue until I either admit he is right or I become so upset I start crying.
I left him at the beginning of 2011, he wouldn't move out of our home so I had to, took the kids. It was so freeing being away from him. While we have tried to get back together from time to time, the thought of living with him again is not a pleasant one. But we both are finding it hard giving up on our marriage and having a "normal" family and there is still a part of me that wonders if I tried harder, or tried to be more tolerant in some way, that we could make it work and everything would be all right again. I just can't seem to face up to it being over.
Hello Vathom
Welcome to One Space! I see you have started a thread of your own in the Separation and Divorce section section (see here) so I won't repeat myself but there is lots of help and support here so stay with us
Hi Hopeful and Louise, thanks for your comments. Good to know im not the only one feeling like this. I think the easiest decription of work is I get paid for 4 days a week but usually have to work more. I am very lucky, I get home in time to pick the boys myself one day, ex collects one day, his mum another and my parents another. I know I am very fortunate in this but I do feel guilty and wish I had more time at home during the week, hate relying on other people to do the kids homework etc. My ex has boys after school (not overnight) one day a week and every second weekend, plus one week at easter, october, xmas and two weeks in summer. Took us a long time to get there but two years on I know this is as good as I can hope for and better than most have....its that old toss up between needing time to yourself but missing then like mad and feeling guilty cause you need a break.
You were right Louise, Im going to take the boys out to a local falconry centre on Thursday, full day out with an old fashioned picnic lunch.....really looking forward to it.
Thank youx
Hi sal73ly, welcome to One Space! Have a great day at the falconry centre.
I have just left you a comment on your Scottish cousins thread. Look forward to chatting to you more there.
I did have a long time ago. I got a washing machine and drier from them. I haven't had any contact with the Family Fund for years. Holidays aren't a practical option but I do have to pay for all my twins' holiday childcare myself.
Hi AspieMum
You can get help from the Family Fund on an annual basis! Do please contact them again
Hi
Been reading through the threads and the stories posted gave me the inspiration to register and post. This is the first time I've ever posted in my life so apologies if I get it wrong.
My story - been with husband for 20 years married for 10 of them. We have one child. Relationship a bit of a rollercoaster happy days then verbal abuse, which let to emotional abuse, physical abuse and this was before we got married. All the signs were there but I believed him when he said that he would change.
We married and it was pretty much downhill from there. We had a child together (who is a joy) but the relationship just got worse. He realised that hitting and shouting were a no no and he could get into a lot of trouble. So he moved on to sulking for months on end and giving me the silent treatment or just angry tirades which lasted for hours. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening. It nearly drove me mad. He started telling people that I was mentally ill and that I was lying. I was the problem. We had counselling he said he was only attending to make sure I didn't tell lies about him. I was the one with the problem. I just needed to sort myself out.
For years I just existed. I just drifted along work, home, eat, telly, sleep over and over year after year. I became bitter, angry and very resentful. I felt scared and trapped. I'd been with this guy my whole adult life how could I cope on my own? He's the one with the big salary I work part-time I'll be out on the street what about our little one? I'm ashamed to say I started to behave like him. Lashing out verbally, being disrespectful trying to control.
Then one day I was in the bank and they asked me if I wanted to have a look at my finances make savings here and there. Why not I thought. I couldn't believe what the Advisor was telling me. How did this happen? I was paying for almost everything to do with the house: Gas, Electric, water, phone, food, council tax, little ones, uniform and 50% of the mortgage. I didn't even realise.
That hour meeting changed something in me. I realised that I am not weak, lazy, terrible with money. I should not be kept in the dark about anything because I'm not stupid, irresponsible or immature. I don't have to stay in a loveless marriage because of fear.
I started to ask more questions at home try to be more involved in the decision making. Things turned nasty. I had a good long think and then asked for a divorce. Things turned really nasty.
It's early days. He's received the petition from the court. He refuses to talk just does silly things like telling anyone who will listen that I'm going through a nervous breakdown, stopping his half of the mortgage payments, without any warning, even though he is still living in the family house, making outrageous accusations and involving the police, telling our little one that I am a bad person. Telling my family that I am nothing without him, I won't be able to cope.
It's a horrible place to be at the moment but it's been horrible for years and now I have hope because there will be an ending to the relationship. I try to keep the door open for discussion. We have a beautiful child who loves us and whom we love and needs us to show we can collaborate when it comes to parenting. So it means biting my tongue and being business like with an angry man who loves litigation (I've lost count of the people/institutions he has taken to court).
Money's tight. Our little one is sad and confused (it breaks my heart) I don't know what the future holds but that's okay because at least I'm not sleepwalking anymore.
Hello stressball and welcome! Well done for all that you have achieved so far, yes there is a long road ahead but the hardest step is the first one!
I am presuming you have had legal help as you mention the divorce petition. We do have a Money Expert (click) on the boards if you would like some free advice about you finances and what help you can get,
The other thing I want to mention to you is our online Freedom Programe which helps people to move forward from an abusive relationship.
I don't want to overwhlem you with information at this point, please stay with us and talk through your concerns (and your joys) and we will be happy to support you 
Thanks for that Louise
I've got a solicitor giving advice. I'll check out the money expert boards I could really to with some help there. I'll look at the Freedom Programme as well.
It's was nice to get all that off my chest!
Hi stressball, welcome from me too, feel free to start your own thread somewhere and I look forward to getting to know you
You are doing a fantastic job, it is lovely when you have this realisation that actually you don't have to live like this anymore.
Have you been in touch with womens aid? As although you sound like you are in a good place at the moment (mentally) you are still very unsafe (physically).
Thanks Anna
I really appreciate the warm and friendly welcome.
A friend got me to ring womens aid last year. What they said scared me. I never really thought of my situation as unsafe since he hasn't been physically abusive in ages. I've got their number if things get really bad.
Living in the same house is the bit that worries me. So far all he does is glare if we meet in the corridor otherwise he just ignores me. It is bizarre because he is lovely to the little one. lots of attention, bends over backward to be nice, LOTS of treats and presents.
I just keep my head up and get on with life. He's not returned the acknowledgement of service for the divorce and refuses to talk in any meaningful way.
Hi stressball
It is very hard to live in the same house when you have officially separated. I did it for three weeks and it drove me up the wall! What are the plans for living accommodation? this realy is something that needs to be thought about and planned.
I just found this site and find it refreshingly honest. I"ve been divorced for 7 years and have 3 girls 14, 13 and 10. My ex is not in our lives at all which has worked out great for all of us. I just wanted to say Hi and give a brief intro, and I look forward to being an active member of this group! Thanks. Tammy
Hello TamaraL1976 and welcome along to One Space
Do join in on the other threads or start your own, i am sure that our other users will benefit from your experiences and i look forward to hearing more about you and your family.
What do you do in your freetime TamaraL1976? Is there anything that you would like some support with?
Hi all, Im 40 and have a 15yr old daughter and 11yr old son. Separated from hubby about 1 and a half years ago. I know I did the best thing for my children, and for me, but I am finding it hard at the mo. Think I have some unresolved issues, from what I went through when with him, but dont know how to deal with it :(
Anyway, my kids are brill/perfect and make every day worth fighting for.
welcome to the boards help me now - could you start your own thread and tell us a little more?
we are a friendly bunch and happy to help
oh and by the way i am lrh for short!!
Hi lrh, thanks for reply. Finding site great already. Came on after looking for advice on the work programme. How do I start me own thread?
if you go into which category you feel is best for you from menu down the left so e.g parenting support or separation and divorce and then click on start a new thread- give it a title so people know what its about and then post info or questions or whatever and wait for all these lovely people to reply
Ok, thanks. x
its ok to link into another thread if its about something specific like the work programme but if you need specific advice about your own situation you can start your own thread - that way people get to know you and can help
Hi there help me now, I look forward to getting to know you on your own thread and chatting more
Hi new to the site thought I'd say hello :)
Hello smej, welcome to One Space, tell us about yourself and your children
Hi there,
Found this site from a link on another site about the Freedom Programme, which I've done and it's brilliant! Thank you.
Currently living abroad and moving back to the UK in 8 weeks time – eeeeek!
Been a single parent without realising it, for years... after much to-ing and fro-ing from ex, I moved out 2 years ago...easy choice really stay and end up in a psychiatric unit, or leave and recover so that I can look after my daughter.
A few weeks after we moved, ex decided he wouldn't see his daughter (to punish me), then when I told him we were moving back to UK he decided he wants to see her. She is sad and angry and doesn't want see him now after the emotional pain she's suffered.
Moving back to no house, no job, no money, but family – mixture of excitement and fear. Onwards and upwards!!
Jacs x
Hello Jacs
Yes, a mix of emotions! You need to focus on you and your daughter now and look forward to a brighte future....and lovely to be back with family again
Hi Jacs. Welcome along. Glad you found this site. It's great, lots of support, advice, and friendships along the way. An exciting time for you, though of course it's a huge move for you and daughter, but at least you'll family to come back to.
Look forward to getting to know you.
Hello all. I'm a soon to be absent but fully participating and sharing parent. My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 13 and have a fabulous 9yo son. In the last couple of years we have grown apart. In the main this is because she likes drinking, spending and getting into debt and I don't. This has led to arguements and brooding resentment. She has asked me to leave 3 times over the last 4 months. I always thought that whatever our problems, we would get through them as a family unit and I managed to talk her round, but a month ago I admitted defeat and agreed that it would be best if we split up. As time goes on, wifey is more and more desperate for me to move out, but it's going to take a couple of months of saving before I can afford rent and deposit on a 2 bedroomed place suitable for my son to stay over. My son is oblivious to all this so far, but he is going to have to be told soon and it makes me feel physically sick thinking about it. He will be devastated initially, but I will continue to be a big part in his life and I am sure things will settle down into a routine eventually. My son and I are going on holiday soon without my wife. Discussions about her not wanting to come with us helped bring things to a head a month ago. Going to have to tell my son about the situation before the holiday. Very anxious about this.
Hello englebert 1969 and welcome.
There is no easy way to tell a child that his parents are splitting up.
My top tips are:
Be honest, but without bad-mouthing the other parent
Reassure him that it is not his fault and that you both still love him, it is just that you do not want to be together anymore. Explain that sometimes grownups fall out of love.
Tell him, as far as possible, what the arrangements will be for him. Do not make big promises it will be hard to keep. He needs to keep trusting you both.
Think about people you know (family and friends) who have separated parents, so he does not feel unusual or isolated in the situation
Expect anger from him as well as sadness. Acknowledge his feelings: "I can see that you are really sad/angry/confused by what is happening. It's Ok to feel like that, I am your dad and I will always be there for you"
Consider getting a helpful book, such as this one here. It is a book you can work through with him and explains about divorce and is reassuring for a child your son's age.
Thanks for your good advice Louise. I think I'll get that book.
Hello everyone.
My name's Mary and I'm the new moderator. (I'm having a few issues with my avatar, but I'll do my best to get that sorted out before too long).
I'm a lone mum to A, who is 8 and a half going on 16! She's great fun and has an answer for pretty much everything. A's dad and I went our separate ways when A was just 2, and I'd say that he and A have forged a pretty good relationship.I still find him very difficult to communicate with, however, and we do have the odd problem with different boundaries being in place at home and at his house.
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and finding my way around the boards.
Hello Mary and welcome along to One Space , i am looking forward to getting to know more about you and your daughter and of course seeing you on the boards.
Hi Mary. A warm welcome from me too I have one son, aged 9 (10 in Sept). He too, like your daughter is 'going on 16-30 hehe. Have been on my own since the pregnancy.
Good to have you on board. Hope you get the aviator sorted soon.
Thanks Sally W and hazeleyes.
At least your son has his birthday at a sensible time of the year, hazeleyes - A's birthday is just before Christmas. We also 'give' her a 'half birthday' in June, which helps me split the cost and in A's words, makes her 'like the Queen'
I did before I moved away from my ex and by moving I lost that support. I don't need it now though as it was a long while ago now. We haven't even heard from him for over 7 years and it was back at Christmas 2002 I moved away. The kind of support I need now is to do with being a single mum to 3 special needs kids and the loneliness that can be part and parcel of that especially as I have difficulties making friends myself (I have Aspergers Syndrome- hence my username AspieMum) and lack access to childcare (with the exception of a bit of Holiday Club time for the twins but that is daytime and school holidays only and I can neither afford nor are there enough spaces to allow more than 1 or 2 days a week- sometimes I can't get any as there aren't enough places) and everything such as the local support group for parents of Autistic Spectrum Disorders is evenings and term time.