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Hello Jane (jschs)
Thanks so much for sharing your story and also the encouraging words you have written, both to individuals and your general points on your first post. That's what this board is all about ;) ....giving mutual support and information and a helping hand to anyone who is struggling along the way. It's a VERY hard job to be a parent, and even harder to do it alone.
You have come such a long way and I can only begin to imagine how painful that has been for you. I have heard many people say that they were more affected and hurt by infidelity than by bereavement, it's s big hurdle to get over and there will be days when you think you haven't......but keep moving forward and congratulate yourself all the while on being the rock in your daughter's life
best wishes
Louise :)
Thanks so much Louise - I love the rock analogy. Immovable and solid - I hope that's how I am to my daughter! So that she knows I am a constant in her life and that I can be depended on...
You're right - I have come a long way. I don't think, when it all started and the long months/years after, that I was ready for websites/groups/chatting. But I am emerging and it is feeling good. Bad days are still bad but they end - they dont seem to stretch endlessly on. There are no simple quick-fix answers and everybody's situation is unique, but each situation can have a common thread with another and, when someone is ready to reach out, there are other people out there who have the experience and knowledge to help. Sorry if this all sounds a bit 'cheesey' but I just hope that people realise that life does carry on day by day. There are so many inspirational people on this site who are succeeding (in whatever way) to get through life and I take my hat off to them...
x
I introduced myself in another thread but as there was a separate place for writing my story thought i would do it here!
I had my daughter Charlotte 6 weeks ago after a tough pregnancy and couple of years. At the end of 2007 i came out of a violent, abusive relationship which affected me very badly and i found comfort from a friend quite a bit older than me. 6 months after starting this relationship, which was more to take my mind off the horrible things of my past rather than any other reason, i found out i was pregnant which at first upset me and mad my partner happy. However about 4 months into the pregnancy my partner decided he was so happy about it after all and never came to any scans or appointments. I ended up having a troubled end to the pregnancy when i could have done with his support but he was never around not even for the birth which i went through alone. I have struggled a little since then and Charlotte father has shown slightly more interest than before but am still not sure where any of us stand. The whole situation has been rather confusing and i hope things will straighten out in the future!
Thank you Louise for you welcome :)
Gosh Tasha that does sound confusing and I am wondering if you are still carrying some of the emotions from the earlier, abusive relationship and having to deal with them as well as not knowing where you stand with Charlotte's dad? It's early days and I know many people feel rather emotionally vulnerable with a new baby but when you have got in your stride I am wondering if you would find a few counselling sessions helpful, just a thought ;) In the meantime all you can do is take one day at a time, get used to being a Mum, get as much rest as possible and don't worry too much about the far future. Hopefully other people will be along to greet you, too.
Take care
Louise :)
The start of my journey
One of the most important times in my life was when I got married in 1997. I had waited so long! It was like a dream come true. It was therefore very disappointing when five years later and with two children it ended in divorce.
For a year or two I suffered in silence the emotional and then physical abuse, I prayed and hoped that things will change; instead they got worse. I lost my self esteem and confidence. I would not look in a full length mirror as I felt useless, ugly and worthless based on the nasty things that I had allowed one individual to pollute my mind with.
One night as I went to sleep I had the most amazing dream! I was a bird in a cage, and all of a sudden a hand opened the door of the cage and said in a soothing voice “you are free! Fly away,” I found myself flying high up the blue skies, the voice kept saying…”keep on flying , go as high as you can , you are free”
When I woke up I started to cry as I was very overwhelmed, I then decided to file for divorce. This was not an easy decision as the consequences during the process were at times unbearable. One day I even felt like running away with the children to a place where no one will know us so that we could start life again.
Going though divorce is a journey; and if you will let divorce work for you instead of against you, you will arrive at your destination a new, whole and beautiful person. Divorce chisels away our masks and our pride, making us take a good look at who we really are.
You have to take time to heal in your own time. It means a period of time in which you must be patient with yourself while you heal. You have to stop concentrating on what you don’t have and begin thinking about what you do have and be grateful, because you are alive, which means you can make it
It was not an easy time for me, as around the same month, I was made redundant from my job, the house was going to be repossed, I had a huge amount of debts, my ex was harassing men and I had two toddlers to look after and I just could no make ends meet.
Many times I felt overwhelmed and alone. The children and I had suffered a massive psychological wallop. They are thrown upon a parent who has to be both father and mother to them. There are times when you long to “go-off-duty” for a while. Decisions had to be made and I knew that I did not have the wisdom to make them. There is much to be done, and you have no time and energy to do it. There isn’t enough money for the necessities. It seemed like everything and everyone was against us. It's as though we were alone against the world, and so our life became one of surviving rather than living.
I began to understand that it is not our thinking that creates our circumstances, but the emotion that is attached to our thoughts. I truly believe in the statement “ If you BELIEVE it, you will LIVE it.”
When I sit back now I wonder how I managed to get through without breaking down; there have been times when I felt like giving up; when I felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. You wake up one day and feel all right, yet the next you feel as if the world is going to cave in. You project this image to the outside world that all is well, but when you are in your own house behind close doors you feel very miserable.
When I look back now, I realise that things happen in life for a reason. I realise that I kept going because of my strong faith, support from my family, friends, and choosing to use my experience to help others by training to become life coach. I could go on now and recall every bad thing in detail that happened to me; but I choose not to, as I believe that there is no point in relieving the old story. It is time for me to tell a new story, which is full of inspiration and a hope for a better future.
Today i am a confident woman running 3 businesses,. I decided to set up my own business so that i canbe in control of my time and destiny and also to have time to take my children to school and be involved in their activities, I have set up a group in my area for lone parent, i am a mentor to some young parents.
I am here to use my experiences to help other lone parents to maximise their potential and be the best they can. " Life is what you make it. so make it good"
Genny Jones
Hi Genny
Welcome to the boards and I hope that your fellow members will be able to benefit from your enlightening experiences
best wishes
Louise :)
Hello all
I am nervous about telling my story but trying to be brave.
I fell pregnant during a foolish fling I had after my marridge had broken down. Something about low self esteem and needing acceptance etc.
At 2 months I thought I had a miscarridge. For various reasons I didn't seek med treatment. The relationship ended and a month later I discovered I was still in fact pregnant.
My parents didn't want to know me. And because I didn't think I cud be a Mum I was seriously looking at having the child adopted.
I had made friends with the man I have just broken up with. We were both very cautious with our relationship as he has 2 children and was going through a nasty divorce. But our feelings grew very strong and although unconventional we had started to feel like a family. Mother nature paid a visit when I was 7 months pregnant and I fell completely in love with my daughter and havn't looked back since.
He has supported me fully since day one whilst making sure we both had our independance in case things didn't work out. We both had our own homes so were self sufficient but he has been my daughters 'Dad'. And has been amazing. I have left the door open for her real father but other than an occasional drunk txt I have had no interest from him.
Last summer my boyfriends ex wife returned to her native country taking the children with her after a long court battle.
My boyfriend was destroyed. Although he was doing really well as an independant gardener he could not afford trips to see the kids and keep the buisiness going. Also struggling with massive depression.
Then in October I was made homeless and am now waiting to be housed. He has moved so he can be near us but the pressure of it all has just ripped us apart and although we are trying desperately to stay friends and support each other where we can. The relationship is over and I suddenly feel very lost without him and his two children.
I'm stuggling to get a grip and to be posotive for my little one.
I am still very in love and desperately wish I could do more to help him but have nothing practicle to offer him.
I am aware how unsettled things are for my daughter and I and am anxious to get her some stability. It just looks very bleak suddenly having to look at it on my own. I am not a confident person as you may have picked up and really don't know if I can provide her with all the things she needs.
Thanks for sharing your story
I know at the moment you may feel things look a little bit bleak, but I want you to know this situation you are goingt through is only temporary. Things will get better in the long run, When you look at your child your are looking at a better future as our children eventually grow up to be independent adults.
Firslty you have to try and thing that good things will happen to you, focus on the things which you want to happen to your life. If it helps have a dream book, where you can write down all you want to happen. Focus on this on a regular basis and believe good will come. If you can also try and develop a supportive network of people who can motivate and encourage you to tbe the best you can. This forum will be great for this.
You are not alone, so on your own you can't but together we can.
Put a smile on you face, because you are beautiful unique and special. take control of your destiny and your brighter future.
I am your friend
genny :D
Hi pixiponk - I love your username! Thank you for having the courage to share your story, and thank you Genny for such a lovely response.
I think Genny was absolutey right in everything she was saying, that this situation is only temporary and probably all of us here have experienced what you are going through. The future can seem incredibly daunting, especially with a young child to consider, but you will get through it and life will become enjoyable again.
You need to give yourself time to grieve previous relationships, loss of your home and change of circumstances. You say that you aren't a confident person, trust me, this will build your confidence when you recognise that you can and are dealing with all of this.
You can create whatever future you wish, it is hard when we split with someone, but it sounds as if he has his baggage with his children and depression, you can now be free to create your destiny for you and your daughter in which ever way you choose. :)
Hello all
I am nervous about telling my story but trying to be brave.
I fell pregnant during a foolish fling I had after my marridge had broken down. Something about low self esteem and needing acceptance etc.
At 2 months I thought I had a miscarridge. For various reasons I didn't seek med treatment. The relationship ended and a month later I discovered I was still in fact pregnant.
My parents didn't want to know me. And because I didn't think I cud be a Mum I was seriously looking at having the child adopted.
I had made friends with the man I have just broken up with. We were both very cautious with our relationship as he has 2 children and was going through a nasty divorce. But our feelings grew very strong and although unconventional we had started to feel like a family. Mother nature paid a visit when I was 7 months pregnant and I fell completely in love with my daughter and havn't looked back since.
He has supported me fully since day one whilst making sure we both had our independance in case things didn't work out. We both had our own homes so were self sufficient but he has been my daughters 'Dad'. And has been amazing. I have left the door open for her real father but other than an occasional drunk txt I have had no interest from him.
Last summer my boyfriends ex wife returned to her native country taking the children with her after a long court battle.
My boyfriend was destroyed. Although he was doing really well as an independant gardener he could not afford trips to see the kids and keep the buisiness going. Also struggling with massive depression.
Then in October I was made homeless and am now waiting to be housed. He has moved so he can be near us but the pressure of it all has just ripped us apart and although we are trying desperately to stay friends and support each other where we can. The relationship is over and I suddenly feel very lost without him and his two children.
I'm stuggling to get a grip and to be posotive for my little one.
I am still very in love and desperately wish I could do more to help him but have nothing practicle to offer him.
I am aware how unsettled things are for my daughter and I and am anxious to get her some stability. It just looks very bleak suddenly having to look at it on my own. I am not a confident person as you may have picked up and really don't know if I can provide her with all the things she needs.
Hi pixiponk
I've replied to another thread before I read this one! I do like to do things out of order.
I hope you do manage to stay friends with him.
I met someone - which to me, is remarkable (fat, forties, four children...). While he showed me that I can live again, and showed me that I actually can still laugh, the pressure my ex put us under meant that I ended the relationship.
He to moved closer, and lives ten miles from me. He has no children, but always wanted them. He loves my children to bits and they love him. Although it has not been moving it on to a friendship, I'm glad he is there. He still comes here, and my oldest boy stays with him on a Friday as its close to his Saturday job. I know if I have a problem I can phone him (like when youngest broke his leg, my friend was here like a shot, and made a camp bed up ready for my son, ex didn't even reply to a text).
So, if you find you can build a friendship, without the pressure of a relationship (well, I felt it was pressure), it could help you both. If not, you know you've made the effort and it wasn't to be.
He must be devastated that his children have been taken out of the country. That must be so incredibly hard for him to adjust to.
Looking forward to getting to 'know' you.
Best wishes
I am new here - a 41 year old mum of a beautiful 2 year old boy - and found out 2 days ago that my husband (been together 14 years) has been having an affair with a woman at work. The marriage is irretrievable. While the world of my son and I has been turned upside down I am actually quite positive about this. After the initial shock on the first day, I have now gone to moving foward and sorting out my next move (not sure if this is delayed shock, but I really don't think so). We have been living abroad for the last 8 years and I have to get out of here and move back to the UK asap to maintain some semblance of sanity. I am fortunate in that he has been travelling so much for the last 2 years that I have pretty much been living as a single parent anyway, so at least it wont be a shock to have to care for the little guy on my own - I am well used to it by now. I am finding it daunting to need to find somewhere to live, find a job/try to get my career back, find a nursery for my son and a million other things to do. For reasons too long to explain here I need to stay here in Singapore for 7 weeks and can only then move back to the UK. I am dreading the next 7 weeks as I am desperate to get the hell away from here, but what can you do? Feeling a little lost as I have little family for support and, after being away so long, I have lost touch with everyone I know. I realise this is going to be a complete start from scratch thing for my son and I and am just feeling a little scared right now.
Hi jenjo, welcome!
More new beginnings for you. It sounds as if you have got raising your son alone quite under control, which is great news.
You are just preparing for starting all over again back in the UK. It must seem a daunting task, but I think you must take it all in your stride, don't spend long hours in the middle of the night worrying about it. It will all come together one day at a time.
You may feel scared at the moment, but please feel free to share your worries and fears with us here, we are a supportive team and look forward to seeing you through this.
Do you know where you are going to live? I hate advertising other websites as I would hate to lose our users to another site, but do have a look at http://www.netmums.com. You can search all kinds of parenty stuff in your local area, whether it be looking for new friends or needing an underblanket for your baby's mattress! It is really useful. But please remember to come back to us and tell us how it went! :)
HI,
My wife had (still does) issues with drugs and violence, one day, four years ago, in January of 2005 she threatened to kill our 5 month old daughter and ran out the house with her, this wasn't just out of the blue, I'd had four years of violent mood swings and drugs and alcohol from her, this particular episode was because I had told her that there was no money for any more 'speed', I suppose though that like all arguments and tension in any relationship it was a bit more complex than 'there isn't any money, sorry' anyway, I called the police she was arrested, The next day she was released on bail, to a house a few doors around the corner!! Family protection and social services came to my house as soon as they knew and just before she was actually released, and told me that the children would be put in care if I was going to continue living with my wife.. so I left.
After a long drawn out painful two years of court and moving when she discovered where we lived, I was finally given residency, during this time contact between my wife and the children was arranged through CAFCASS, either at their offices or through a third party contact scheme and always under supervision. Contact has never been constant, there have been breaks of upto six months. They haven't seen her since the beginning of December and last week CAFCASS contacted me and told me that she no longer wishes to see the children.
Now from my point of view that's OK, contact is always stressful for me, going there waiting till she turns up, what is she going to do, what is she going to say. She is always late and then if she doesn't turn up the children are confused and don't really understand and I've read enough to know that it's in the children's best interest that I portray their mother positively, which can be difficult because how many excuses can there be for consistently being late, or not turning up at all without explanation! I don't want to have to explain to my children just yet, about drugs and how they can take over some peoples lives.
But besides my own issues, what can I say to them, I don't want to say 'mummy doesn't want to see you any more' I don't know, but! I expect that's not going be good for them. I'm supposed to have a chat with a lady from CAFCASS at some point soon on how to explain to them, personal though I cant imagine a nice way to put it really.
Still, they are happy kids and we have a good time, we go walking and camping and I try to keep them out of the house as much as possible. You don't need money to have fun, we live next to the beach on one side and the Snowdonia nation park on the other, so lots of opportunity for wild camping and exploration and outdoor stuff.
They are beautiful and funny and I love them and I'm so incredibly lucky to have them with me everyday to hold and talk to and tickle, just in case the above rant failed to give that impression : )
Thanx.
Hi, its really heartning to read everyone's different stories, I think at the end of the day we all want the same thing, to be loved and to have a happy life, with or without a partner! Ive been married twice, have three children two grown up and flown the nest and my youngest is 9 years old, I separated from his dad, when son he was just months old. I ve been through some really crap times ( haven't we all) but I decided to turn my life around and do something that I had always wanted to do and that was study and train to become a counsellor ( I left school at 16 with no qualifications) it took me 7 years to qualify but I bloody did it!
at times I really questioned why I was doing it, it was soooooooo hard with a baby/toddler/ young child ( I swear my son is the only child that knows how to Harvard Reference! lol)
Im an ordinary, down to earth mum who has worked her butt off ( as all single parents tend to do) Id love to just make new friends, connect with other like minded people, it can be bloody lonely at nights when my son is in bed and you have the four walls for company. Although I have small circle of close friends, I worry about imposing on them too much, if that makes sense? I think there is an old saying that goes something like this a good guest knows when to leave,
well thats how I feel about not pushing friendship boundaries.
Gawd does this sound like a complete ramble?
Och its good to ramble :)
feel free to get in touch
Jakki
Hi bubblegum and welcome to One Space, it sounds as if you have really been through the mill over the last few years, not only raising kids alone - although it sounds as if you have mastered the having fun part of that!- but dealing with relocating and a difficult ex.
You know that you can't tell the kids that their mummy doesn't want to see them anymore and it will be interesting to hear what the CAFCASS thinks is the best way. Not knowing your ex and the childrens relationship with her it is difficult to know what the best thing to say would be. But I am sure whatever is said they will take it in their stride, they have a strong parent who provides for them, loves them, has fun with them and tickles them, what more could a child want! And like you said at least you know that this arrangement will be consistent for them.
As I have stressed before on this board, I really believe that although we might have to say that daddy/mummy won't be visiting again, and of course daddy/mummy loves them but they are really busy with their own life etc etc, we need to tell them what we think of the situation (again in the nicest possible way, of course!) so that they don't just accept behaviour that hurts them and think that its ok. I think it is fine for us to say that we disagree with their decision as it gives the children food for thought and gives them a chance to make up their own mind as to whether they feel fairly treated or not.
Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes with CAFCASS. Best wishes to you :)
Hi JakkiB
Welcome, glad you have found us. I hope that you find some new friends on this site. You have been a single parent for many years and I love how you recognise and obviously smile in reflection of the difficult times!
Well done you, give yourself a pat on the back for sticking at and completing your Counselling. Great stuff. I think that if we are learning while our children are at school, it encourages them with their homework etc.
You say that you worry about imposing on your friends too much, I understand what you mean as sometimes we have a whole day of difficultness and sometimes all we want to do is tell someone....anyone every minute detail.....well I do anyway! But hopefully you can use this site for that! I think lots of single parents come on here for a rant or moan, to share a special joy or just to support others, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO THE SAME! WE UNDERSTAND! :D
Hi there,
Just to say I joined....I gave myself half an hour between finishing the painting of the lounge and start the preparation of food for the enemy as they troop back frpom school. I am a single Dad of five children - four boys and girl. Eledest boy and daughter both out working, doing stuff etc. The eldest boy now a researcher at Cambridge and daughter in showjumping. Phoned last night from Portugal ......me thinking she was in Ireland, but there you go, that's my daughter. Have three boys at home, aged 21, 15 and 13.
I was married for 25 years to dear wife, who died three years ago from Breast Cancer. After 18 months of being in a state of panic as a single Dad, grabbed the kids, sold the house and we moved to a much larger ( but cheaper ) house in Wales near Cardigan Bay.........it's stunningly wonderful here, the boys really like it and both the house and school are just so much 'nicer' than the suburban life we had......Having said that, it has probably been the toughest three years of my life and boy, making mistakes and getting stuff wrong as a single parent for the first time can be really tough.......I know there was no rule book or training to have a happy marriage, or training as to how to bring kids up, but there is surely no training to move from 25 years marriage to single parent.......that's not been easy ! And is it me, or do I get the impression everytime I go for advice that a Single Parent BLOKE is regarded as not needing as much help and advice or guidance, because after all he is a BLOKE and therefore should be able to cope with all of this? Present company excepted, but I get the feeling the various agencies are more geared up to helping single Mum's and somewhat dismiss single Dad's sometimes - as people should be able to work out all of this on their own.....? That's my little rant...finished now....will get back to clearing up now that the dogs and the cat have finished helping with the painting...and I swear blind that the cat thinks I have just presented it with a new litter tray not a tray for paint and roller.....MMM patter of tiny paint wet paws across the lounge I expect.................
Hi Aberdulais - interesting name!
Welcome, I am so glad you have found us. How refreshing to have moved from suburbia to paradise in Wales, I almost breathed the fresh air reading your post!
We have had a lot of single dads say that there is very little out there for them, unfortunately, because of 10% of single parents are fathers, they seem to get left in the wings, but ONE SPACE IS DIFFERENT.
We don't see gender, just a person on their own raising children, and although there maybe some issues being a male or female raising children alone, we all know and can share exactly how stressful, yet rewarding it can be.
Beautiful day for painting, hope you capture the cat before it marks the whole house!
Hi Aberdulais
Sorry but I had to have a giggle thinking of your cat rolling in the paint tray :lol:
On a serious note, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, life must have been really difficult for you in the past few years and all credit to you.
Re being a single parent bloke or woman, Anna is right, we are all single parents together BUT I do have to add that I remember when a friend of mine became a single dad, there were lots of offers of help, ironing and meals etc......a few months later it happened to me too but no-one offered that. So I guess it might be down to personal experience.
best wishes
Louise
Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes with CAFCASS. Best wishes to you :)
I will thanx, and thanx for the kid words : ) despise how my post may have come across abit doom and gloomish ! I'm happy being a single parent and luckily I don't find it a strain or difficult, maybe I'm doing something wrong : ) I don't think so though, hope not anyway.. and it's times of worry and indecision, second guessing my self as a parent like this that I remember a scene from that Steve martin film Parenthood. Where he is fantasising about the outcome of his son, in one scenario his son is shooting people from a rooftop screaming you shouldn't have made me go to first base, or something like that anyway and in the other he's happily receiving some reward or other, cant remember and he has tears of pride in his eyes.
I shall be sure to write what CAFCASS have to say, luckily for me my local CAFCASS office, the one that deals with us anyway is really very good and despite not always seeing the situation as I would like she does genuinely have the interests of the children in first place, I think I'm quite lucky there as I seem to read such bad press when it comes to CAFCASS.
thanx again for the kind welcome : )
Simon.
Hi bubblegum
I went to a seminar about teenagers last night and the speaker was very amusing when he talks about how much guilt we carry as parents, we really need to learn to lighten up was his response!
We can't take ALL the credit and we can't take ALL the blame. - Was his final message!
It made me giggle as I recognised myself and so many other parents who are wracked with guilt that they are not providing enough, or they are overdoing things etc etc, but I guess the bottom line is that as long as we are conscious of it all we can't be doing that bad a job!
I think it is harder on a single parent though because no-one out there gives a damn as much as you, whereas two parent families have just the same guilt, questioning etc, but they have each other to talk about it with or can blame the other person!
Hi Bubblegum
First of all, welcome!
Second of all (as they say on the Rikki Lake show, lol) I was thinking about your really tough dilemma about what to say to your children about their Mum. Also I was wondering if her saying she no longer wants to see them might be because she thinks they are better off without her,given the circumstances? I can't comment on that, of course, but it does raise the question of what to tell the kids. I think it is important to stay fairly close to the truth...after all, if you said "She has gone to live in another country" and that's what they believe, then in 10 years time she suddenly wants to see them and they agree and she tells them she hasn't lived abroad at all, it might backfire on you.
As you say, they are too young for the full truth but if they ask, how about something like "Mum is away at the moment, she's very busy. I must say I am glad she is busy cos I get to spend lots of time with you......." then something to distract, such as "let's go out on our bikes" or "WIll you help me bake these buns?" etc. if they ask again you can always say "i don't know where she is, she is busy, but don't worry, I will always be here to look after you, I love you very much" The children might need extra reassurance as they realise that their Mum's absence is long term. Hope you are looking after YOU in all this
best wishes
Louise ;)
Hi there, and yes probably personal circumstances, but I think bereavement has a different kind of effect on people than infidelity etc.....its amazing how many people just can't deal with it........there was a lot of help for the first few weeks, but then it trailed off......hopefully it looked like I was coping !!
However, stuff like Christmas ( when my wife died ) and then Mother's Day etc and birthdays, all still loom up as difficult days...in particular for the 12/13 year old....and then there is the boys turning into teens and their need to talk about stuff, which I am happy to do, but you always feel as if I am not doing as well as my wife would have done...but there you go.
Sometimes I explain to friends that I cannot actually open the utility room door as the boys have thrown everything off their floor at the washing machine, as if it will will wash itself magically.....and if I could actually get into the Utility room I might be able to catch up......but I guess that's a minor problem !!
I can only say the bad stuff, lonely stuff and shear panic on some days, gradually goes away or gets to be just another thing to deal with.......and you move on to the next seemingly impossible thing to deal with, and yes, all the children mostly appear to be happy, no ASBO's, drugs or alcohol problems, but if I could get them out of bringing back random dogs, cats, Guinea Pigs and chickens that desparately need a home, life might be a little easier...!
Thank you for your reply....and yes, the cat now has a nice maroon couloured tail and paws....
Robert
Hi Bubblegum
Louise ;)
Hi thanx,
I missed your reply, sorry.
They don't ask for her very often, my daughter never does, my son does from time to time and where as I'm not really one for believing in biorhythms and all that, it does tend to be in some sort of four week cycle, strange. So far I have dealt with it by saying I'm not sure where she is, which is true.. I did say a while back that we weren't going to the contact centre because mummy hadn't been turning up the last three times so we'd start going again when mummy goes, I was a bit annoyed at that point as we'd gone all the way there three fortnights in a row and no mummy and no explanation or phone call. My son was getting angry, sort of, frustrated and confused really, that manifested its self as anger with no direction for it to go, which I was left to defuse, luckily there is a beach nearby to the contact centre which we can walk along for a couple of miles and then get a bus home : )
It's sometimes difficult not to get angry with my X even though I'm happy she doesn't want to see them as it's less stress for me, I still have to watch my son deal with it all, but then I suppose he would have a lot more to deal with had we not left her.
I haven't been backing any of this up with reassuring them that I'm not going anywhere like you said in your reply so I will do that now : ) I do cuddle them and tell them I love them all the time, to the point that now as we approach school in the morning my son starts to speed up to 'escape' from my clutches, when I catch him and kiss he he pulls a funny face and goes euughhh! which just makes me all the more determined to give him a big sloppy kiss or lick his face just to annoy him : )
Thanx : )
Just been having a quick squizz at your new pics, your children are terribly photogenic!
Please add a photo to the Family Quilthttp://interactive.onespace.org.uk/quilt/ to share with others. I love the one where they are wearing russian hats, SO cute! If you have a free weekend, a great project would be to create a short movie! Again for the family quilt!
Keep kissing your boy, I LOVE it when they pull away! You know secretly he likes it!! They say it is especially important to keep kissing them when they are small, because even as teenagers they need that physical touch (although they may not show it)!
Just been having a quick squizz at your new pics, your children are terribly photogenic!
I have been sticking a camera in their faces for as long as they can remember, so now they are very natural with it : ) they have cameras of their own too with which they take pics of the world around them : )
Hi Bubblegum
Yes I always think that kids need extra reassurance so that they feel secure, but you do sound as if you have a great relationship with yours :) Re kissing etc, my youngest is a teen boy and he can't even bear for me to beep my car horn if I drive past....he does give me one kiss goodnight though (and I got two on mother's day!)
Louise
As much as i would like to say that my baby's dad is a useless piece of doo-doo, I really can't pass harsh judgement!!!
To cut my long story story, I gave birth to my beautiful Jacob just 12 days ago and although I wished his daddy was around, sadly it is not meant to be because I am in a predicament where it is between 2 guys and because the timing is so close together, I really have no idea which one of the 2 it can be. I made the decision entirely on my own (with the loving support of my family and friends) to keep the baby when I found out I was pregnant. I was 26, in a stable job with my whole life ahead of me, only I wasn't in a stable relationship!!
Potential father number 1 is a one night stand and condom split. I know his first name and what he does for a living and what car he drives and THAT IS IT!!! He was notified by text that I was pregnant which I know it's cowardly on my part in Aug 2008 and I have heard nothing... Zilch, nada, niente....!!!
Potential father number 2 is someone I dated for couple of months and thought we had something 'special'... I was wrong!!! He took the news surprisingly well. I was informed he needed time to think things through as he just started a new relationship (shock!!) and was finally doing something he wanted to do with his life (studying for a degree/masters). Four days later, he requested we meet up again and he told me he didn't want nothing to do with the baby either. I took it surprisingly well and we said our goodbyes. We've not been in touch since!
Now the initial shock is over, I wouldn't a change a thing for my sake as I have love, support and a beautiful child, but I think for my little fella's sake, he has the right to know who his daddy could be... I'm thinking of getting in contact with both again as I also think they deserve to know and maybe a DNA can finally be done to end 'confusion' once and for all... Good idea? Or bad???
N.B - Be careful...!!!
Hi p_louisa
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds as if you are happy raising your child alone and you have the loving support of good family and friends.
You are questioning whether to clear the air once and for all about who your son's father is. If you are in a position to go ahead with the DNA tests, it would mean that:
a. You are clear, no more uncertainty for you.
b. The father would know for sure and come to terms with it in his own way
c. The other man CAN walk away with a clear conscience
d. If any medical history is needed for your son in the future, you would know where to turn.
The Courts say that children have a 'right' to know who their father is and I think it is fair to say that a father has a 'right' to know if they have a child.
In this country many children do not always know all of their family and sometimes this can cause complications in adult life when they learn that the person they have fallen in love with happens to be their cousin/sister/other relation. This may sound highly unlikely, but I know of at least 3 cases of this happening and it is very distressing.
However the ball is in your court, why don't you weigh up the pros and cons and see what your instinct is telling you.
Let us know how it goes and what decision you come to, we will always be here to support you through this as obviously it could be a difficult process.
Good Luck :)
Here goes,
I found texts on my Exs phone,he denied anything was going on, I then overheard a conversation between he and the other woman. I told him to leave and not surprisingly he couldn't get out quick enough. My oldest son(Then 3) Was heartbroken. My youngest was only 5 mths at the time so he never had Daddy here.
We had loadsa problems, still do tbh. WE both own this house, atm he's paying the mortgage instead of maintenance.
Hi mac
Thanks for sharing, I have worked with single parents for many years now, but this Parenting Alone online group has really shown me just HOW MANY single parents there are because of unfaithful partners. :shock:
I am quite flabbergasted, are we able to teach our next generation the importance of fidelity, longevity, trust and commitment, or will they grow up thinking 'I want it all and I want it now'.....
It must have been a very painful time for you, with your youngest still a new baby. How is your oldest coping now? Has it become the norm or does he still find it difficult?
our youngest was in and out of hospital since birth, his whole family blames it on his reason for leaving. I was soooo down for mths, they didnt believe me, I got called all sorts of names by them. He ended up moving in with her ( She left her hubby and 2 kids also) They didnt last needless to say/. But in the years we've been apart he has introduced the boys to at least 3 diff women, exch time he split with them I was the one picking up the pieces.
He went and got married in october, said nothing to anyone (only his family)
My oldest always was a sensitive soul, still is. If ex isnt sticking to the court order, once more it's me who has to explain, leaving son mad and blaming me.
Youngest can take or leave his dad, he thinks more of my dad and 3 brothers :)
Oh god poor you, not only dealing with the hormones of just giving birth, then the trauma and stress of your newborns hospitalisation and a toddler to care for, you had a flaky partner. :roll:
Why is it that our ex's love to share their new partners with their children? But you know what, our children are resilient and we can always use it to our advantage as they get older to teach them good morals and ethics. I think many people on here can understand that feeling of frustration and sadness when explaining (in the nicest possible way) of why daddy/mummy can't make their visit.
It is great to hear that your boys still have other male role models. :)
Hehe, flakey is a nice way of putting it!!!
They love EXs wife, so in a way am glad, but they did get attached to the other G/fs too :(
As it is I've not/wouldnt introduce them to anyone unless I was sure we were gonna be together for a long time. It'd not fair on the kiddies imo.
My brothers and even my neighbours, they all have time for youngest son. They make time for him and understand or try to.
I've given oldest son a mobile, just for days dad is meant to have them, I've said to EX, A has a phone you can call him to explain why youre not calling or are gonig to be late. Now I don't know if thats the reason, but funnily he's not done it lately :lol:
I'm so sorry that you've been through so much.
Strangely enough my ex was very quick to meet someone. He married his third fiance - last October (!! Must have been a moon phase?). She's pleasant enough, but I've only met her twice. Sadly, and unfairly really, as I call him The Git, she is now called The Gittess - the children have no idea though!
I got my older two a mobile phone when we split up. He told the mediator he was 'too scared' to phone my home (hand on heart, I have no idea why), so I figured he could phone their mobiles and speak to the others as well. I've always kept the phones topped up. He's only ever phoned them on their birthday - and then not every year.
I have to say though, my ex can do no right now after all he's put the children through.
I hope your youngest is ok now. That must be incredibly traumatic. I was bad enough the couple of times my youngest was in hospital with bad asthma attacks.
I'm so sorry that you've been through so much.
Strangely enough my ex was very quick to meet someone. He married his third fiance - last October (!! Must have been a moon phase?). She's pleasant enough, but I've only met her twice. Sadly, and unfairly really, as I call him The Git, she is now called The Gittess - the children have no idea though!
I got my older two a mobile phone when we split up. He told the mediator he was 'too scared' to phone my home (hand on heart, I have no idea why), so I figured he could phone their mobiles and speak to the others as well. I've always kept the phones topped up. He's only ever phoned them on their birthday - and then not every year.
I have to say though, my ex can do no right now after all he's put the children through.
I hope your youngest is ok now. That must be incredibly traumatic. I was bad enough the couple of times my youngest was in hospital with bad asthma attacks.
Ex had 3 that I know of, and married the 4th one, theyve only been together about 8 mths in all.
Does your ex see the kids much? on a regular basis like? My mates ex is messing around with seeing their son. It's not fair on the kids.
He sees very little of them.
At first he wasn't too bad - every other weekend and Tuesday evening 7 - 8 (he commuted to work). He got a job locally so I asked him to see them 6 - 8 on the Tuesday.
I was daft to think he'd miss them!
Then gradually he started to cancel the odd weekend - at first it was if the children told him I had plans. That was the first fiance, who lived across country we're in North Wales, she lived Lincolnshire way. He was going to move over there. That ended.
More weekends were cancelled with the second fiance - who lived Sheffield way.
The third fiance lived locally. He moved in with her pretty quickly, keeping his rented house to see the children. That's when the contact thing became silly. Some cancellation came with 5 minute warnings, and as his house was walking distance, the children would already have left and I'd have to go and get them home. All the cancellations were very upsetting for the children, especially my eldest, strangely enough (he's 17 now), and so with help from my brother-in-law, I drafted a letter saying he had to contact me the day before he wanted to see the children. It made it positive for the children rather than all the negative cancellations.
That's very condensed!!!
Maintenance is another issue. He tells the CSA that he works 12 hours a week and he pays £13 a week for the four. He actually works full-time.
We were married for 20 years, the children were planned. He had a brilliant job and I worked full-time from home too.
Family home (four bedroom property) and my car (in his name, I paid him the money to cover the finance!) had to be sold to pay off his debts.
I'm now on income support. Have a lovely three bedroom housing association house (another story!) which we squeeze into! The children and I are happy here though...
Sorry, I've gone on far too much!
Oh yes... Last year he saw them on average 5 hours a month, based over a couple of visits. He tends to specify 6 - 8pm or 6 - 9pm if there's no school the next day. He won't ever give them tea.
OMFG, and I give out bout my Ex.... yours sounds like a prat....... I get warning, but only a couple of hours. there was a huge row at xmas, i told him i was going back to court as he wasnt going by the court order. when it suited he's come take them. It has gotten better but I hate seeing him.
Hi there
That sounds like a really good way forward that you have both mentioned, to give the chilld a mobile and then ex has to explain directly to them why they are not able to collect/visit/put themselves out etc.
We were married for 20 years, the children were planned. He had a brilliant job and I worked full-time from home too.
Family home (four bedroom property) and my car
sparklinglime, it must have been such a shock and upheaval for you as it sounds as if you were a ""proper family"" if there ever is such a thing! :?
It really sounds as if you have been through the mill, but it also sounds as if you have come out on top, dealt with all that needed to be dealt with and you are finally finding peace and happiness. Well done you!
I agree, fair play to ya sparklinglime. ;)
Yes, we were a proper family - including pets!!
It was a shock. When he brought the paperwork out in a mediation session to show the debts, the ladies running the session had to go and get me water! I really had no idea. Up to that point, I had been expecting £30k with a 60/40% split!!
We've (children and me) been through so much since, issues with ex almost driving me daughter to a nervous breakdown, and homelessness, it does get things into perspective. A house is just bricks, and money - well, I'll never have that again now - I've lost my parents and the small inheritance I did have was all put into improving the house. But it is only money.
My children have got me through this, my reason for breathing! And seeing them happy makes me feel that maybe I've not been a total failure.
Oh yes, and ex was in debt up to his eyeballs within 12 months of all those debts being paid off, was very tactless with the children who came home from a visit in tears as daddy only had 42p to live off!! I showed the children my budget then, all bills paid, and 38p a week left - for a flake!! But that way they knew bills were paid, and I told them that's how it was for their father - not caring at all if it wasn't.
He has put these children through a nightmare, although I know children do go through far worse. I think losing everything and having been made homeless was enough without him adding to things.
Sorry. Bit of a rant there. 8-) I'll be bitter forever. My children will not have an inheritance - ex's dad is leaving everything to ex, who has now remarried. His 'christian' family will have that (not a problem really). I'll never forgive either, but I do accept things and I can live with it. :D
I'm the same RE my kids. I really believe if it wasnt for them I'd not have picked myself up and gotten on with things. As it was ,because of youngest being in and out of hospital it kept me focused on what was important.
While Ex wont pay a Cent for the kids, he believes by paying the mortgage it's enough. Any toys ( which are few) he buys stay at his regardless. Even buying an I-pod for eldest sons b.day, on sunday he snatched it off A saying "Oh no, you know the rules I bought this for you so it come home with Me......
He denied Youngest was his, saying "there'd be no problem with any son of mine, A is fine therefore R can't be"
I'd rather have nothing of my ex now. He can do what he wants with £13 a week! If he lied and still helped with things like football and Scouts, then fair enough. But lying so he can have trips to cinema, weekends away and a wedding in the USA just so his alleged penfriend who did destroy our marriage (before I knew of the debts) could be there shows he doesn't want to be resonsible.
So, basically, he can therefore choose not to be responsible.
My eldest knows I have written to CSA to stop the payments, and he said 'we don't want anything from him anyway'.
I'm sorry your ex is so horrid about your youngest. Plenty of words to describe him, but I'm sure you know that... (((hugs)))
Hi all
My story is like this ..
After a 15 year relationship ,6 of those years married it all turned sour .but i couldnt work out why??
We had 2 boys together who at the time were just 8 and 11 years old and for the last 6 months why their mum was still living in the family home the boys became very distant from me .i would return from work and hardly a word would be spoken to me from either the boys or their mum.That all changed one day when i got a call at work from the ex to say she was leaving me .I was stunned and speachless to here the ex saying to me that she had been having an affair and loved some one else..Her last parting words to me on leaving the house were"i dont want this life any more".
The boys at this point had been sent on to peoples houses so she could pick them up and take them to her relatives house...
It seemed as if my world had just ended in about 1 hour ...There was a shopping list written on the table and just the night before we were looking at hoildays on the internet together...In shock and alone i just sank so low just wondering what the hell had just happened...
The very next day i managed to compose myself enough to go and see the boys ....i took them for so lunch so we could talk and thats when i began to here that they didnt want to stay with mum ,but in fact wanted to come home with me to our house...
I discussed this with their mother who reluctantly agree to allow them to return home ...we sat the boys down and asked them if in fact while we were all there that they still wanted to come home with myself,then asking if they had any questions while we were both there!!
To which my little lad said no "can we go home now dad"not even turning to say good bye to his mother!!!Our eldest son said can i stay for an hour and you pick me up straight away after..
After that i recived a phone called from the ex saying how rude and nasty he had been and how upset she was by his attitude towards her..
6 days later the divorce papers arrived .she began to cover her track by accusing me of alsorts of wrong doing!!!
The next 2 months were the hardest of all as over time bit by bit the boys began to tell me of a woman the i didnt reconise or know.I was told of a number of men that came to the house regularly and they had seen carrying on with their mother and how she made them keep all this a secret from me .They told me of being taken to mens homes and being thrown out on the street when people turned up ..they wanted to tell me at the time and would be bribed with phone credit and money ..they ran away from one mans house which was miles in the country .i had learned why they were so distant from me and why they had lost trust and respect in their mother..They both had counseling to help them with what had happened.
The months passed we became very close and started again to enjoy a family life minus 1..I would talk to the boys and try to get them to spend time with their mother..they always would say that they didnt want to ...
Trouble was that she didnt call them or text and it became increasingly hard to convince them that she loved and missed them...the boys started new schools and she didnt call to wish them luck even tho i always discussed all issues ,all she was interested in was my money!!
At christmas there was no call and on their birthdays nothing not even a text a card was put through the door some days later with £10 in it and a note saying to return it if they didnt want it!!!
Over the last 6 months their mum has become so distant that we dont know where she lives and the number she left the boys no longer works ..my eldest son had left messages on her answer phone that were never replied to..
comunication had broken down completely between the boys their mother .
There has never been any maintenance from her dispite making a claim to the CSA!!!The boys were intervied by caf cass and told the story above and which was told in the divorce courts ..the recommendation that they see her supervised for 2 hours a month if they wish and that were not to be forced..
A year on and the children are very settled and doing so well at their new schools .They have done me proud and made me such a happy guy ..we have been on 2 great hoildays and enjoyed many great week ends together .we are making plans now for the future and focus very much on a positive out look and i am installing in them the importance of being truthful and trusting ...
Me i have managed to work full time throughout with great support from the company i work for and friends and familly ...without this support i would not have lasted a week or so..i have learned many thing over the last year and about what is important to myself and the boys and continue to move forward with my life..
Ive got this far and have been told by many this has been the making of me ..I will continue to be strong for the boys and provide what they need to grow into good men and to teach them about respect and honesty...
Thats the story so far and the three of us are very happy now
Stu
That's an awful story, Stu - but glad to hear it had a happy outcome in that you and your lads are happy and they sound sorted with life despite all the things they NEVER should have had to experience. No child should ever be treated like that and made to keep secrests from the other parent in a break up. You've obviously done an admirable job getting things back on track for them. Fi :D
It is truly heart-rending to hear of the things our children have had to see and feel. There is a common thread that runs throughout this topic: so many of us struggle to be strong ourselves but when it comes to our children, we truly cannot bear the hurt they feel and that's what gives us the courage to carry on.
Thank you so all who have shared their story and look forward to hearing from more of you on this subject
Louise :)
Hi skiblah, thanks so much for sharing, you HAVE done yourself proud and I bet the boys think so too.
Great to have you around :D
I feel my break up has been fairly easy compared to some of the stories on here. But this is my story.
I met my husband almost 10 years ago after coming out of a long marriage of 22 yrs [ another long story :( ]. I had been apart from my first husband 2 yrs by the time i met my M. I have 3 adult children from my first marriage, all were just about grown up when we split.
Very shortly after meeting M i became pregnant, not planned, but very happy to be. So we stayed together, even then i knew we weren't right for each other and just tried to make the best of things. My 4th son was born in 2001 and is the light of my life, he is such a lovley child, and i can't imagine my life without him.
Well we have struggled on until now, me more so i feel at times. My husband just likes an easy life and as long as nothing rocked his life he was happy. I have spent just about all my time with my son. My husband has had little to do with is upbringing, his choice, even though we lived in the same house! My husband, when not at work spent all his time, sometimes 10 hours a day on his computer, rarely communicating with us. And it all just got too much. There have been no rows, we are beyond that. It just got to a point when i just couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with a man i don't even really like, a man that is never happy with anything. So i ended it almost 4 weeks ago. Not one person has been surprised, though no one had said anything to me beforehand. It says a lot about us as people though doesn't it :!:
Our son has taken it all in his stride, not been concerened at all about daddy moving out, doesn't even ask to speak to him when he isn't around.
But, even though i don't want this man in my life i am finding it difficult to understand my feelings. He is paying the mortgage for the time being, but i am left with the rest of the bills and i am so worried about money and what i am putting my son through. We could still have had a comfortable life if i hadn't ended it. And i feel so lonely. I am 5o years old and feel that i have made such a mess of my life. I have no family close by at all, they all live 400 miles away. So feel very much on my own. I can't find out whether i am entitled to any benefits. I did contact the child tax credit to let them know the new circumstances and they have stopped payments!!! It was only £ 40 a month, but i could do with that right now.
Also my ex is now playing at being a perfect daddy, something he never was here. All of sudden he knows how to play computer games and kick a ball, somethng he has always said he is too old for and refused to even try, and he wants to see his son ALL of the time. I know i should be glad he is finally making an effort, but i don't know where that leaves me. I worry that my son will want to go and live with daddy now that he is making the effort. And i love this child so much it would kill me to lose him.
My son is spending his first night with his dad tonight, the first time he has been away without me and i just feel so lost. I don't know what i am going to do with myself until tomorrow night.
Sorry for going on and sorry if this the wrong place to post this, i am still trying to find my way round everything. Thanks for listening.
Dear Francesca,
I read your post and lots of what you said was familiar. Read my post of My Story and, if you want to contact me, feel free. My 'husband' left me for one of his teaching colleagues (although I had to find out accidentally and he still lies about it now). I understand your pain and I know that mere words won't heal or fix it. I can only say, from my perspective, that day-by-day, inch-by-inch, you will carry the load and it will start to get lighter and easier. You will heal and you will find ways of coping.
x Jane