Your story!

You have had a lot to deal with - it sounds like you are coming out of the other side of a really difficult time - we are here to support you - you could perhaps start your own thread - what I did was start my own thread and then post there when I needed additional support - other than that I post on the chat thread - its up to you of course

There is lots of info on this site - have you been to citizens advice, are you getting everything you are entitled to?

Have a look here

Look forward to 'chatting'

Hello ccoope

Just said hi on the other thread. You certainly have been through a very tough time, and it is now just you and your son. Has your son got special needs or disabilities? if so then you may be able to stay on Income Support until he is 18.

The help for retraining is quite limited and the first port of call can be to ask your adviser if you are signing on. If you are on Income Support, however, you can ask at your local college about Adult Learning and should be able to get a reduced fee.

LRH has given you the link for Citizens Advice already, which will also be helpful. It means rather a lot of research but then you will be able to forge head. As a first step, you could try our free online course about getting back to work and building your CV, click here to see.

What support have you had following the abuse that you suffered? We have the Freedom Programme online to help you move forward from what you have been through, have a look and see what you think

this might help here or here

you have been through so much it is important to take care of yourself and allow yourself a little healing time to - hope we can support you here too

thanks lrh ,

they look intersting i will look over them later :)

Thanks LRH, Mankind is the one I was going to suggest.

I agree that there is not enough support for men who have been abused. One in ten victims of abuse is male.

I honestly don't know the answer to that, sparkling. Certainly the website focuses very much on "women and children" Looking at the Mankind website, it lists local services and some of these are allied to women's aid, for example in Loughborough and Berks/Bucks. I have heard good things about the work of Mankind.

Hello Ami-Lee,

Welcome to One Space - glad you've found us!

After reading your story it sounds as though you have every right to be feeling angry and confused, both with the situation you find yourself and your little boy in and your ex. You may well benefit from contacting our legal expert with regard to your ex partner's access rights. You might find our child support expert can provide you with some useful information too.

You say you were suffering from PND - did you recieve some help to get through it? Your Mum sounds great - do you have other people around to help support you and to talk to about your situation?

Looking forward to getting to know you

Mary

 Just a quick hello, I've found this site while looking for advice about jsa, Im a single parent to 3 boys ages 16, 9 and 7 and have been on my own with them since my middle son was 6 months old. I've suffered domestic violence by 2 partners and been in 3 refuges at different times, the last time being 2007 when I moved many miles away and 3 months later moved to another part of the country,. I had to start over in a place where I knew no one. Both my violent exes took me to court for access and parental responsibilty, eerily at exactly the same time, the whole process took years and had me traveling to courts miles away to come face to face with  men who would have liked to see me dead, lucky sooo lucky for me, the saying give an idiot enough rope and they'll hang themselves prevailed and I won both my cases for no contact. I went against all my barristers advice the whole way through though, she said I would never win and I should make a deal with them.

Glad to find this site, wish I'd found it years ago! gonna have a good look round as have stuff going on that could do with advice on.

Hello from me too, SunnyRain, hope you enjoy using the site and talking with others

Welcome from me too SunnyRain, look forward to getting to know you on the boards

Hi Ya, I am new to this site, my wife passed away last july so it is now coming up for the one year anniversary so finding things really hard, hoping this site helps me a little bit, I have two girls ages 3 and 6 and i may be biased but they are adorable and great kids, well most of the time lol 

hi everyone,i have only just become single after a 9year relationship,we have a lovely 7year old daughter,what im finding hard is i work as carer and i did it round hours to suit us both after he was home and when she was at school and weekends and evenings ,as he suddenly went i had no child care he left me no money but was able to go rent himself a room for £800 amonth which is more than our 4bedroom house which i dont understand as he only earns £1200 amonth.i havent stopped crying,ive had to drive for an hour to leave daughter at friends just to do 3hours work,its the weekend so ive had to do it as cant let my elderly clients down but tommorow im going into office to tell them i need to cut out weekends and evenings but also i need week off to sort myself out,im petrified as they not very sympathetic.ive had to borrow money.rent hastnt been paid dont no what to do first!!as for ex he out drinking with mates etc,cant believe how he could just forget us as he use to dictate to others that there partners was out of order for leaving them with nothing etc,but he has done it!!!!

I was married when i had both mine. We met when i was still at school, i fell head over heels and ignored all warning signs of what a controlling person he was. I grew up without my Father and The mother, well she wasn't much of a parent. I was adamant that my children would always have two parents who loved them. No matter what. I just didn't realise that when i said no matter what, just how much i would then put up with. 

Anyway i finally saw him for what he really was, and it was my choice to raise them alone. He left, we have joint custody and i have never stopped him seeing them. He decided to dip in and out of their lives when he feels like it. 

So several years on i'm happy,skint, exhausted but i have two gorgeous healthy children who are doing fantastic at school and they have a better social life that me.

Hi, I'm Nat, I'm a single Mum to my 6 year old boy, have been since he was 1!

His Dad has Asperger's and to say he was hard to live with is an understatement, add to that mental and emotional abuse, and the beginnings of physical abuse, and I knew that I had to get rid for the sake of my son, if nothing else!  He has a good relationship with our son though, and has him overnight once a week, which is great for me to catch up on sleep (he still doesn't sleep well at night, directly affected from when his Dad was still with us, and used to get cross when he cried at night, so I would go and sleep with him to stop him crying, so now he still doesn't like sleeping alone!!) I probably sound quite blase about it all, but I've got the benefit of time on my side (5.5 years since we split now!) I've basically made my peace with that part of my life, it happened, it was rubbish, but I was one of the lucky ones, and got out before things got really bad!

My son is also showing some signs of Aspergers, but not enough that you would notice if you weren't an expert on it, if that makes sense, and I do my best not to let it define him in any way, or let him use it as an excuse (as his father does, and his Grandmother indulges!!)

I've not been in another real relationship since splitting with my ex (I had a brief fling a couple of years ago, with a guy I'd known a long time, and always had strong feelings for, but it kind of imploded when it turned out his ex wasn't as ex as he'd led me to believe, and he went back to them, leaving me heartbroken!)  Not sure I want to be with anyone either, as I can't even seem to hang on to friends, let alone a relationship at the mo! (My best friend of 15 years has just dumped me cos apparently "you've grown up and I haven't, so I don't think we should be friends anymore" this said in an email after he'd deleted and blocked me on facebook, nice!!)  

I'm very lucky that I have a close and supportive family, esp my mum and younger sister, and I wouldn't have managed without them over the years!  My sister is one of my closest friends, not just my sister!

I did work for a while, but when my son was starting school, I asked for a change of hours (his Dad had been having him, but he lives 30 mins away and doesn't drive, so wouldn't be able to have him on school nights anymore, and to be honest I wouldn't want him to, as his idea of a bedtime is whenever Z falls asleep!!) my employer despite assuring me at my interview, and then again my 1 year review, and again in the May before he was due to start school, that the change of hours wouldn't be a problem, then decided in the July it wouldn't be possible after all, so I had to quit, so have been on IS for 2 years, although have in the last week been switched over to JSA, which is a bit of a faff, not liking it at all, it's not like I wasn't looking for another job, but trying to find something that fits around school hours is almost impossible!

That's basically my story, I'm generally a positive person, who just gets on with things, although that's proving tough at the mo, for various reasons that would take me an age to type, and considering it's 2 in the morning and my son likes to get up at 6, I really should go and get some sleep!!

Nat

I already have moved on, so don't need any help there, it did take me a long time to work through, but I'm done on that count!  I do have a little contact with the freedom programme though, as they hold some of the meetings at our church, and my Mum is the person that deals with the bookings etc, and I have gone along to some of the bits done at our church!

As for the sleep, he's still not sleeping through the night, and I do really think it stems back from that, I used to get into bed with him, rather than disturb his Dad, and so now, he still wants to get in bed with me!  TBH, I've not done anything about it!  Initially, I used to have to stay with him to get him to sleep too, which I managed to solve using a technique I saw on Supernanny, so got him out of that habit, but more often than not, he sneaks into my bed, without me hearing, and so I don't even know he's there til he's already asleep again, and don't want to wake him to send him back to his own bed, cos it would take ages to get him off again, and mean a disturbed night for both of us, I don't sleep too well with him there though, cos he likes all the space!!  It's slowly getting better, and we are getting more and more nights where he doesn't come in, so I think it's just something he'll grow out of, hopefully soon, and I just need to be patient with him!  He gets nightmares a lot (he's a highly strung boy, with borderline autistic tendencies!) so I think he just likes a bit of comfort, and to know I'm there!

Nat

Hi, I'm snowdrop. I have two lovely children aged 9 and 10.I finally left my husband of 12 years in May after a long history of domestic abuse. Women's Aid were great in the early days, and helped me recognise that even though my husband hadn't often been physically violent, that he was emotionally,  verbally, and financially abusive, and very controlling and manipulative towards the children and I. He had also had several 'inappropriate relationships' always with single mums or women who had just come out of abusive relationships, he seemed to like women who were vulnerable. 

I eventually left when my youngest child disclosed that their dad had been hitting them while I'd been out at work and told them not to tell me or I'd be cross too. He is too clever to have ever left a mark so CAFCASS don't seem to believe me. At the time we left my husband hadn't spoken to me for three weeks and things were getting more and more tense and frightening, womens aid advised me to get out asap.

I left and went to stay temporarily with family in Scotland. Got a friend to go and tell husband we'd gone. My  Husband has a good job and is very well respected in our local town, most people just don't believe what he is like behind closed doors. He has got a solicitor and went to court to get emergency residency. Judge refused to do that thankfully but requested I submit a statement detailing why I left, which I did. Husband then put in a long statement in response telling really awful lies about me; that  i drink heavily (I can't drink more than 1/2 glasses of wine a week due to a medical condition!), that I am always out with friends (I go to an art class once a week at the local school),that I was abusive to him, that he is the main carer for the boys.  I am not sure how he thinks he can get away with this? I have had to take out a loan to pay for legal support. CAFCASS told me they had spoken to my husband on the phone and he seems very reasonable so i have no reason not to allow access or even shared residency. They have not spoken to the children though or filed a full report.

I've now found a nice little house to rent back in the town where my husband lives, I have through my solicitor offered him a suggestion for access to the boys (one night mid week, alternate weekends) but he has refused that and is now saying he wants full residency. So the court process in ongoing. 

Hi Louise.  My solicitor says that if the court process is ongoing CAFCASS will be asked to file a full report and speak to the children and each of us in more detail.  I'm just worried that the longer the wait is for that the more time my husband has to try and win the children over again; it would be good if he had decided to change his ways but what I am worried will happen is that he will be nice for a while, but he won't be able to keep it up and I'm scared the children will be hurt. My solicitor keeps reassuring me that we can disprove most of what he says in his statement and not to worry,that the judge won't presume he isn't abusive just because of the job he does, that they will have seen it all before. I will speak to the legal expert here though, that's fab!

I've also registered to do the online freedom programme; really pleased because I was going to have to wait 6 months for something through my local women's aid, and I just felt like I needed something now to help get my head straight. Really so glad I've found this website, it's brilliant.

Hi All,

How I wish I had found this site a year ago x but better late than never :-) This time last year Aug 2011 I was reeling from the shock of being told my husband of 14 years (together 18 years) was having an affair with a playground Mum who had befriended me the year before. It turns out she befriended me to get to my children so that she could build a relationship with them and turn them against me as she and my husband were planning to get me out of my house and for her and her kids to move in.

Lots of little things had happened since Jan 2010 to make me think there was something going on with my husband but he has been made redundant late 2009 and I really did think in the beginning that his behaviour towards me was because of his job. Late 2010 though when his girlfriend started talking to me on the playground and arranged for us to take the kids to the local playbarn was when my suspicions were raised. They had become facebook friends via a mutual friend and imediately took their profiles off line - apparently you can still send messages to each other even though your profiles are down.

Things would just happen out of the blue like she would turn up unanounced just after we arrived home from a holiday and comments such as "your going to have to learn to play football arent you?" to my husband in front of me - we have two girls and she has a boy who loves football and a girl.

Then there was the psychological abuse..... He would say i looked ill, my face looked funny, my mouth was drooped i really needed to see a doctor...... she would say i didnt look at all well and i should ask to see a specialist. I saw so many specialists my head spun, I lost 2 stone with stress and my GP thought there was something seriously wrong...... more tests.

I discovered after that friends and family were being told i was mentally ill and not taking my medication....... my 6 year old daughter was being told to keep a diary of when mummy shouted at her..... I was being kept away from family get to gethers and if i did go i would be scrutinised and watched.

I was tormented by him everyday, taunted into arguments, smirked at and told my body and clothes were horrible, he said i had let myself go and told me of all the women who said he was attractive. He went out every weekend both nights and sometimes midweek and never came home from work before 8pm even though he left at 5.15pm, I knew because I would ring the office.

I don't know when exactly the penny dropped in 2011 and even when it did I was still in denial even though we had not had sex in 3 years and when we did once early in 2011 he told me to get off as he felt sick. He had given me a disease which I didnt discover for 5 months until it became full blown PID and the doctor suspected I migh have had a miscarriage also.

Something happened to me that year that I can only describe as "survival" instinct, this person was trying to destroy me physically, mentally and emotionally but somewhere deep down I wanted to fight back for the sake of my girls. I decided I was not going to be removed from my family and replaced with a new model, I was staying and HE was going. I started to collect every peice of paper work I could find in the house which would help me in a Divorce and I kept it padlocked in a bag hidden under my daughters bed. I started to sort my own finances out so that I would be ready when the time came. I became calm and calculated and even slightly happy as I had decided to end our marriage whether I had proof of the affair or not as I would not be persecuted anymore by this man - he had no right.

So when eventually the admission to the affair came and he begged for us to try again and move away as she lives round the corner....... I was ready, and I made no promises but kept repeating "how do you think we can do that?" "what kind of woman could take you back after everything you did to me?"  

Whilst he was at work I filed for divorce having made him sign a letter to my Daughters headmaster admitting the affair and stating the name of his girlfriend - my proof.

He lives with his Mother now and has continued to make my life living hell by harrassing me and stalking me even though he is still with his girlfriend who treats her soon to be ex husband the same. Fortunately I have a non molestation order now in place but there are still ways that you can be harrassed and manipulated.

My ex has continued to manipulate our children even after undertaking at court to safeguard them, they recently returned from a weeks holiday saying they would now be calling me "Mxxxxxx" not Mummy and that they will be going to live with Daddy when they are older, they are 4 and 7. Its the little things that hurt the most.

Keep fighting - you are so worthy of love x

Mel  

Hi there

I came across this site, whilst looking into the Work Programme issues.  I wish I had found you guys sooner.  So much support, and inspiratation in one place.  It's fantastic!

I became a single mom just under 4 years ago.  My ex left me for a family friend who was 18 years old (he was 52 at the time).  He became abusive (mentally and financially) prior to leaving.  Looking back now I can see that he was controlling from the word go, but I guess love is blind, so I never saw it.  He would often go to the shop and just disappear.  Sometimes for days at a time.  The more I reacted the more he would do it and for longer.  He was reported missing to the police countless times and would react aggressively with me when I did this.  He drained my bank account, took out loans in my name and would force me into taking out credit for him.  It went on and on and got more and more abusive.  He would borrow money from people and they would get abusive if they wanted it back.  There were several threats to kill him, and I still have neighbours knocking the door asking me for their money back (4 years on). 

When he left I felt desperate to have him back.  I would have done anything, but then it got easier. I fought for the house, managed my debts, started a university degree, and am slowly finding my feet again.  I had the support of the police, my family and other agencies, but becasue it was mental rather than physical abuse I did struggle to get support from some places.

I put my daughter first.  She became my focus.  I recently got pulled into the school and feared the worst, but got praised for how I had managed to get her through it without any effects on her education.  She is a wonderful little girl.  Considering what she went through (she used to sit on the windowsill crying for him for days when he went missing).  She had anger issues, but they were directed at me and never towards anyone else (this shows maturity apparantly).  I took a Positive Parenting Course and all but ironed these issues out.  She is able to control her anger now.  She sees her Dad regularly.  I took the decision that she needed to make the choice about what kind of person he is, rather than me making it for her.  It is working.  The memories of what happened still haunt her and with her being able to make sense of things now, she can see that what he did was wrong.  I hope he has the sense to turn things around and maintain a relationship with her but that is his choice, not mine.  I do my best and remain consistant.

Had I come on here a couple of years ago I would have been unrecognisable to myself. 

I have a way to go.  It is not an easy path to tread.  Single parenting is the hardest job on the planet but all the credit is yours when things go well.  I hope that I can inspire those of you that have just started on this path.  It does get better.  There are challenges a plenty but as time goes on, you have the strength to face them.  Every step is one that takes you in the right direction. 

Hiya. My Name is H and I have just recently joined this site so thought I would introduce myself.

Back in June 2007 I was just about to pop with my twins when my then hubby decided to drop a bombshell...that he thought that maybe he had missed out on a lot in life not really having had a social life when he was younger...that he never really dated,that I hadonly been the second person he had been with...all this information I was receiving on my mobile via skype as he did not do confrontation well...lol...and was also reading all this as I was timing my contractions at 8 minutes apart. Later that night ended up having am emergency c-section and our twin girls arrived to join their 21 month old brother into our family.He said to me that night he was just panicking and to ignore what he had said.Was in hospital 5 days and he hardly visited, his parents coming in with our son more often than he did...then went to birth centre a day...on the way back home he announces to me that he trusts I am not going to be going through his emails, but he is chatting with "Zoe" again.(A woman he used to chat with online before meeting me)This did not go down too well as when we first got together he had admitted that they used to have feeling for each other.Long story short, over the next 3 months they chatted more and more, he withdrew from me,never bonded with the girls and would really only do things with our son.I was trying to care for newborn twins,look after a 21 month old,do the books for his company and try to keep my marriage afloat, knowing the whole time that they were having an online fling. I ended up collapsing and had to spend a night in hospital having catscans..lumbar puncture,number of tests and in the end they said was just due to stress and exhaustion.That night he left the house but his PDA was logged into his msn and I found out just how far things had gone...when he came home we ended up arguing all night ,him saying that it was all a fantasy life that nothing would have ever happened...that he was so unhappy in his life with me that he created that life with her and he said he did not want to be with me anymore anyway.

It was still another month before he left me,in which he made my life a living hell.

I am originally from Canada and although my friends and family kept trying to tell me I would be better off with the kids back home, I did still think that they had a right to know their father. So I would let him see them whenever he wanted,he used to come over at bedtime to say good night to them, in the beginning would just have my son over night on weekends and once the twins got a bit older would have them too. When I thought it was getting too disruptive him coming over every night and asked him to just phone to say goodnight, he put 2 and 2 together and came up with I was planning to flee the country so got a prohibited steps order against me.Had 10 days to get a solicitor and go to court where on top of things he was trying to say that he was worried for the kids health as my house was so unsanitary,and he had pictures to prove it...

We left that day with a joint residency order which he never fully followed and now with his new girlfriend on the scene he is following even less,having to take him back to court for it.

My son is now turning 7 at the end of this month and my twins turned 5 back in June and I am proud to say that I think I have done a pretty good job raising them, pretty much on my own as over the past 5 years I have had less than £300 from their dad...although CSA payments should(in theory) be starting as of November 4th,coming straight out of his wages...

I am babbling now...lol...anyway...that's me in a nutshell x

He does see them 3 out of 4 weekends, when his gf doesn't say "she needs a break" and he makes an excuse to not come for them. But he picks them up late on the friday,sometimes after 8 when they still have at least 45min to get back to his after and then started bringing them home earlier and earlier on a Sunday which is annoying as I just don't feel that I can ever make plans anymore and the kids keep asking me why daddy brings them home early.

I am not holding my breath yet about the payments as have been let down so much in the past but will breathe a huge sigh of relief when I see the first payment come through

Hello to all dads who have lost faith in the system!

I am a single dad and still in the progress of going through courts (so am unable to say very much), but if you are prepared to put your child/children first then it might go your way!

It has thus far for me, my son now resides with me (the father) - but it has not stopped and I get no maintenance, not a problem, but it shows that men are no worse than women when it comes to paying for your children!