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Sorry if the above sounded a bit harsh
i get annoyed that our health suffers while they sit back a unaffected ;-/
Hi both, it is such a horrible time, stomach churning constantly, worrying into the night, feeling lost and without any control over our lives. I remember this well. However I want to put something to you that a friend said to me when I was in this very same position - I didn't like it and you may not either, however it did help me move forward.
She said that I was acting like a Victim, I had victim mentality and I was allowing myself to become overwhelmed by him, the courts and his family.
Now I could have carried on being in the 'victim' role, as I was so used to it (I had lived it for 7 years), but I was furious that someone who I respected and I thought respected me, saw me in that way. So I think from that evening onwards I changed my mindset and started to feel and think more like a Survivor. Have a look at this From Victim to Thriver.
What do you think about this?
Hi Anna
well I think that you either are a victim or you are not, other option being your pretending to be a victim simply as you say 'acting like a victim'
a victim is someone hurt by actions of another person, so are we wrong to react to tithe actions of our ex partners then? How should we act? should we fall into a stereotypical 'victim roll' that carrys Cretan expectations almost or should we not be allowed to react at all?
imo we have a right to react especially after years of restrictions and rules, gas lighting us so we loose our sense of reality ? we should be free to react how we want to.
so I don't understand how you can act like a victim tbh x
hi hun i feel ur ryt hun, to ryt i feel way id o, no bloody wonder,only when court is over and he gets no contact then il move on, not bfore,if he gets no contact then nothin i can do, but im stil gona b worried and ope its stricty supervisio for ages and ages, cos i dont trust tht man at all, i dotn want to see him again, x
Hello IDT, anyone affected by abuse is indeed a victim, you are right but Anna was explaining that it is all too understandable that we allow the abuser to continue to exercise control by not moving forward with our lives. We can't wipe out the abuse or its effect on us, all we can do is say FROM NOW ON I will choose my OWN way, which means finding strategies, facing up to the future, making our own choices.Which you are doing!
Kiera you are suffering from terrible anxiety about what is going to happen. That's understandable. Sally suggested making plans. You said that you were "blocking out" the idea of him getting contact. I think it is really, really unlikely that it would happen....if however you have a "what if" plan then you are no longer a victim, you are making a choice, even if that choice is an upsetting one.
Hi Kiera
im sure he will not get unsupervised contact from what you said but I know you will worry anyway its hard not to x
i don't really get it Louise sorry but I'm lost
i think planning my career and college plus child are and housing are about moving on if he hurts me I can not help that a judge made that decision that I take kids not me,
i think I someone going through court is going to be stressed to hell you carnt move on until that's over
i really don't get it sorry
Hi Kiera
im sure he will not get unsupervised contact from what you said but I know you will worry anyway its hard not to x
i don't really get it Louise sorry but I'm lost
i think planning my career and college plus child are and housing are about moving on if he hurts me I can not help that a judge made that decision that I take kids not me,
i think I someone going through court is going to be stressed to hell you carnt move on until that's over
i really don't get it sorry
hi louise i no wot ur sayin, but it is gud news tht he failed his drug test, which i new he wud, hoepin cas eb dismised, thy aint gona giv him any contact now,my soliciter gona recomend case dismissed, with ex history and effect it wil av on me if he gets contact , to many risks regardin ex to giv him contact,im prayin no contact,cafc ass cumin myn mondayx
he defo wont get un supervised, he wil get strict supervison or no contact,and him failin drug test is gud news to mex
We will all keep our fingers crossed for you kiera.
IDT you ARE moving on! Every time you have a blip you pick yourself up again and that's the only way. Anna's point, and my subsequent post, related to the awful anxiety kiera is facing about her court case. I agree kiera, you can't just wash you hands of it and move on, I think there is something in there about anger giving you energy to keep fighting and to say "Whatever you do, I will be strong", otherwise anything he does between now and your daughter being 16 will be a source of anxiety, and you can't live your life like that, you deserve better.
iv just had somebad news the person that was supposed to be looking after lil one while we go to court has just let me down and i have no one else to look after her , i am goin to be in court all day while i give evidence my eldest gives evidence and he gives evidence and then get the decision , im not gona be able to take loil one with me all day , am so stressed out what am i gona do
Hi have you a children's centre near you? If you have go in and ask to talk to ome of the workers and explaine your situation to them.they were very very helpful with me
if that comes to nothing then you need to find a local nursery or childminder as soon as you can
dont consider taking the child to court I doubt the judge would look favtable on it plus it adds to your stress levels too.
good luck keep us posted on how you get on x
i done that last time and cant put her in childcare cos they gotta have set days plus wont have the money even if they changed there mind
me neighbour had her for me last minute last time , i was gona have to take her with me but that was only a short hearing , this time she has said she deffo cant iv asked veryone else i know an they cant and im gona be in court all day i cant tsake her with me
I'd suggest trying a different nursery or childminder
the children's centre, if you have one local? Funded my child care as it was for court they were very helpful I'd consider approaching one if its local to you.
how old is your child?
hi anoymous wel my solicirter said i av b in coyrt at 9am, joke, is aid no way id b in court for 9, my little girl in nursery at 9am, or i cud keep er off and get 8.45 bus and b in court by 9.30am, last time i went i was 40 min late, as bus didn tshow up, but it was fine, i got ushered to private room, av u private room booked, i have, i myt not av to go in court again, i avnt ad to last 2 times, dont want see him, well if u av no1 to av ur child wot can u do, nothin u can do, av u a solicter, cud u mention it to soliciter maybx
wot date is ur court hunx mine is 25th junex
shes only 15 months old and spoke to childrens centre last time and they didnt really have any thing to offer lil one has neva been away from me and i was actually having to keep my 14 yr old off school to sit with baby an neighbour so she wouldnt get distressed , there is no one else and no money i will speak to siolicitor aboyut it to tho , yea i have to be there 9 to keira x
well its impossible for me to b in court by 9am, told my soliicter that,god i av get my mum cum watch my dawter early asnd get 8.45 bus, court is quite few miles away from me, not round corner,spk to ur solciter hunx
mines the 5th next month, i hav no family here to help me out no oneto rely on , imdoingthis how did you get childrens centre to pay for childcare? even if i did find a day care she would get so distressed x
I had a children's centre worker but because there was to many people involved she closed my case
then I just went in and asked about chil care as one court date was over a school holiday, I didn't ask for free child care I was just desperate for a place for my 2 3 6 and 9 year old and cos they knew my situation i got a call saying I'd have no cost , I took in a card and chocs as I I was so happy as I'd of been in debt to have to pay it, I was very great full they were amazing x
bit that's what they are there for to help families out
mine open at 8.30 so I was waiting at the doors to open then I'm lucky I drive and flew into town to court from there they had children for threes days and I had to pay nothing x
My youngest age two screened but I knew I needed just a safe place for him while I had a clear head for court he won't remember in future and it was so important x
IMO get a taxi to court if u pay no bills that week then so beit x
il go in and see them tomorow hun, i used to have a worker when lil one was born mayby i can explain my situation to her and fingers crossed , if its a no then i have no other choice but to take her with me wich feels so wrong
Hi anonymous mum, let us know how it goes trying to sort out childcare. It will all come together one way or another.
IDT, when my friend said that i was 'acting' like a victim, I think she felt that I had been saying 'poor me' for too long (of course there is no time limit) we had probably been split for about a year, but it really helped me to straighten my back, put my best foot forward and recognise that I am the only one in this world who has my back and I am the only one that can change how I feel, think and act.
I chose to stay with this man, I chose to have a baby with him and then ultiimately I chose to leave him. I felt wretched, used, abused and at my lowest points, but I had survived, I was no longer going to be the victim.
I think you are doing a fantastic job, moving forward with great leaps and bounds and I think, you have noticed big changes in yourself too. For me, it was important to change my whole perception of the situation and my role in it, that is what helped me to move forward.
kiera, is CAFCASS today or on Tues? Either day best of luck, you are doing a great job too. I know your daughter didn't get to bed too early, so you are probably feeling a bit tired, any chance you can get a nap today?
hi anna cafcass is tuesday at 5pm, i am tired, well she in nurssrt today 1 til 4, myt av nap for an hourx
anna something you have said is something that has been playing on my mind for weeks the fa ct that i stayed with him kept taking him back after all of his abuse towards me and towards the kids and then even had a baby with him , im really scared the courts wont look on this kindly and will blame me for putting me and my kids in that situation when i apparently knew what he was like ( even tho he pretendd to change for a while when on probation ) they will call me a bad mum for not putting my kids first
hi i said tht to cafacss lady i said but i took him bk 2 months after putin me inj hospital,but it asntgon against me, cafcass lady said he is very manipilitive man, i ttok my ex bk loads, part reason i wanted it work as we ad baby together and cos of him harassin me, i felt worn down by it, so took him bkx
same hun he made me feel like i had no one else he isolated me made me beleive i couldnt cope woithout him and was scared to be on my own , but he did change while he was on probation and dv course it was when we moved and he isolated me more things got bad again and then i found out i was preg x
when i read back on my thread back on here,i didnt no whether i was cuming or goinx my life was chaos bein with him, x
Hi kiera, I hope that you get that nap 
anonymousmum, have you done the Freedom Programme, I am not sure if you have said that you have? Within this programme it explains how an abusive person uses their power to make us believe that we can't live without them, and that they use manipulation, cooercion and abuse both mentally and sometimes physically to keep us under their thumb.
Hopefully the Courts will have intelligent, clued up people who understand domestic abuse and the effect it has on us as partners as well as parents and be able to see why you were effectively 'brain washed' into putting your ex before everyone else, including your children.
Hi Anna I know what your saying i think I'm looking too much into it, I just ment if someone does something to you you cahelp control that, like if you got mugged in the street.
thankyou for your comments and yes I do feel like I got over some things and that I feel better, I think im learning to stay focused on what I want to achieve limy our lives now so it's stopped the dips so much I'm Mott hitting the floor any more.
how are you today Kiera? Hope your little girl sleeps better for you tonight x
hi anna ur right, my eldest dawter stil hurt from when she left cos of ex, she said well i aint a mum who put a man bfore er kids, thts wot she said to me, she left to go er dads cos i had him back, i hope my dawter sleeps tonyt,she as bin in nursery all afternoon,
Hey IDT, it is good to hear that your low points are getting fewer
Keira, fingers crossed you get a good sleep tonight, hope all goes well with Cafcass tomorrow, let us know how you get on!! I'm sure that one day your daughter will understand why you did the things you did.
I remember when i was in my late teens and a friend was seeing this bloke who was horrid towards her and i could not understand why she would stay with him, and i remember saying to myself i would never stay with anyone like that, it was only after being in an abusive relationship myself that i was able to see why, saying that i also don't think that we all have to go through abuse or experience the same things to understand why people do the things they do.
good luck tommorow keira, and i hope so anna surely they must realise the impacts of dv x
hi thank u, well bathed my little girl, she ad milk,put er to bed at 8pm and she bin quiet since, i made it clear she was in er cot and goin to sleep,she whinged for 5 min but tht it, bit gutted tht the new cafcass offiver uis a man, the woman cafcass i ad was so nice and seemed to understand effects of dv,and wot the effects of the court procedings are avin on me, ope this man b ok, the lady cafcss as moved offices,gutted really, x
Hi
i think it could be a good thing x
greashy our little girls gone sleep for you xx
Hi
i think it could be a good thing x
greashy our little girls gone sleep for you xx
yea i agree with imdoingthis keira my caffcass officer was a man and initially i was a bit worried about it but i couldnt of asked for better he was good and he understood and although they arnt allowed to make judgement he made me feel like he belived me and was quite sesitive to what i said, it will be fine hun x
Good luck with CAFCASS, kiera, sure it won't make much difference being a man, in fact I sometimes think men can be more sympathetic towards DV.
thank u for all ur supportx
Thinking of you, you are are doing a great job so don't doubt yourself.
hi well gud news, cafcass guy really nice, he as already spoke to my ex,cafcass said he is nasty manilputive man,and he can see right thru him,cafacss guy gona giv no contact, he doesnt want him near my little girl, or near me, he is goinb extend my non molestation order, and ex as to attend a perpertraters course 22 sessions,and also after tht do another drug test,so ex as to go thru alot doors bfore he even gets and sort contact, cafacss man says ex admitted ton wot he did to me abroad, and there is warrent out for his arrest in teneriefe,so ex as to b crime free, drug free, and do perpertrators course, so judge shud agree next tue, im happy, and cafacss guy so nice and understood, he met my dawter, he said i can see she well taken care of, x
thats really good keira and must make you feel alot better about things , i wish my ex had addmitted then i wouldnt have to do this , and wouldnt be in this situation x
and cafcass guy gona spk to my nursery to inform them tht my ex must not take my dawterm, and he wil get sumopne form woman aid to spk to me , he seems b taken my saftey and my dawter saftey very seriously, my ex said he wil do wotever it takes to see his dawter,i cud b marraced again, cafacss guy ringin seein if im high risk, now my ex gona b told non contact so he seems bit worried thts why he gona extend my protection order, x
im really glad its working out for you , it looks very positive, what have you got to do in court on friday have you still got to give evidence even tho cafcass have all this evidence against him , i had to get my own evidence paid 10 pounds for medical records you,s think my solicitor would of dealth with that x
Great news im so pleased for you x well done x
hi its court tuesday, and ex as to do drug course as well, no i dotn av to giv evidence at all, my solicter wil go in, and spk for me, x
Take it a day at a time just bit by bit, you have a lot to deal with but I have every faith you can and will deal with and get through this.
there are positives for you in this case and as hard as this is you have to try and trust that the judge will make the best decision for your daughter, they have all the information and they cannot put your daughter in a 'wrong' situation, anit you have to think the decisions out of your hands .... You can fight Thais what you can do and are doing.
if he gets contact honey then there's little you can do, there's no point making yourself ill over that, if he gets no contact thall that's great
hope your doctors went well x