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hi no its date test as to b in for 2nd jan, he as to av dun test by 2nd janx
Right so it should have been done before now. Have you heard if he has complied this time?
hi avnt heard, ive dun everythin courts av asked of me, even my statement was in early, ym anxierty cum bk, cant elp worryin bout feb, gona dread it, wonder if i can ask cud i spk out bhind glass so dont av see my ex, i am gona go to pieces, i no i am, hopein cafcass lady stil on my side, x
Why don't you ask your solicitor about speaking from another room, I know that it is possible although often rare. However your ex was a very violent man and that has already been accepted by the courts.
Why don't you get in touch with them tomorrow and let us know what they say.
It is incredibly daunting isnt it, however kiera, you have nothing to worry about, as you say you have done everything that has been asked of you and all you need to do is go in there and tell the truth.
So when you feel the anxiety rising, remind yourself that you are a strong woman, who has a voice and knows right from wrong.
aw thank u anna, yes im glad courts already no wot my ex is like, his criminalrecord cant lie, xx
why doi feel like i felt when my ex was harassin me, heart poundin, and ad lettre from my soliciter and i luk at it and dont want open it, wot i want i sfor everyhin to go bk to normal, how can i move on with court and wot i av to face in feb, want forget bout soliciters , court, all of it, letter is rtesidence order wot i av to take in court in feb, cafcass lady supports residence order in my favour to protect my little girl form er dad from takin er, cafcass ladys words, i jsut feel upset and anxious, feellike cryin why, when does it all end, my ex said il never get rid of him, and hes prob right
The residence order will give your daughter safety and security.
And no, things won't be 'normal' again. There will be a new style of normal when things settle. I agree with your solicitor when he says you'll never be rid of your ex. The link will always be there because he is the father of your daughter.
I do think you get to a point of accepting how things are, although this may not be unitl the Court is out of the way...
my ex was sayin ul never get rid of me in threatenin way, he always said it, in was like il never leave u alone thts wot he meant, jsut cos we av kid together dont mean i av to see tht man ever again, i dont, and i aint
Hi kiera, sparklinglime is right, things never go back to 'normal' as you knew it, life is going to be different from now on and you are in the process of learning what and how you want it to be.
You have choices now you are no longer with him. You can choose to grow your confidence, be bold and empowered by the things you are learning about domestic abuse. You can choose to not allow that or anyone who has abusive ways into your life again. You can choose to protect your children and do the very best by them. You can also choose to let this take over your life, let him eat away at your mind, bother you if he gets some sort of contact.
I know this because I have been there and it takes time, it is all a process of change and I believe for you that you are going to get through this and in 5 years time look back in amazement at how far you have come.
I don't even recognise the person I was when my daughter was small. Yes sporadically my ex rocks up and causes some sort of disruption to our lives, but now it is a blip on our lives rather than a mind consuming terror.
Once your ex sees that you won't take any more lies & manipulation, that you are now controlling your own life and using your voice, they tend to back off a bit. You are not under their control any more and although they can still be bothersome, they see that it would be hard work to try and break you down again.
You will probably have to see him in court and as difficult as it will be, again you will show him that you love yourself, approve of yourself and your actions and think highly of yourself and won't be knocked off your perch. You won't look at him, you won't flake at any of his words, you know that anything he says may be a lie or just outright ridiculous and you don't/won't believe it any more. You will show him that his words hold no power over you anymore!
thank u anna for ur reply, tht reply as made me feel better, did u av go thru similar in court with ur ex, xx
Yes I went to court a few times, to be honest, now 12 years later, I don't remember all the different reasons, but I do remember the complete fear that used to rise within me everytime, thumping chest and fear for my physical safety.
But I know that the very last time that I went, I was different. I took ownership of the situation, I wasn't prepared to be intimidated any more, I realised that I had let him get away with stuff for far too long, I didn't look at him in court, even though he was the one questioning me and representing himself. He tried to twist what I said, but I was honest and directed all my answers to the judge. I held myself upright and although I was shaking all over, I felt free and was able to speak my truth rather than answer in a confused, befuddled and all over the place way, which had been my previous experience, when I was still trying to understand him and believed his words/lies/reasons for violence.
thanks for ur reply anna, i do feel better xx
well gutted,ad letter off my solicter, she as moved to a another office, so i av got different soliciter, i liked my solicter she was firm,ope this solicter same, really do, in my case i need sum1 like tht, guttedx
Are you able to meet the new one?
well as its contested hearing i av solicter who specialises in contested hearings it wil b last hearin in feb ive bon told, they wil make a desicion, ope no contact, to many risks suroundin exx contact centres are only short term, wot bout asfter then, my ex avin un supervised terrifies me
Ah keira that's a shame about your solicitor moving offices so close to your hearing date, yes let's hope this one is as firm as the last one.
Please try not to worry about if your ex gets contact, your right generally supervised contact is a short term arrangement, but in some circumstances they can make arrangements that are longer lasting.
Do you have anything planned for this week?
god supervised wil av b til my little girl is 18 cos no way he is getin unsupervised, ova my dead body
hi well drug test results cum for ex negative for canabis amphetamine exstacy, but i now tht already as he as dun test 4 half month later, so he as all tht thym get drugs out his system, i did myn 2 weeks after court hearin in july, ope to god judges wont think hes drug free and hes perfect cos thtem results, he wil bk on drugs after court , he aint daft, thers stil his violent past and criminal; activity, and all them drugs found in his house a nd rifle and knuckle duster, and tht was last yr, i woke up this mornin with heart pounding, dont no why. he said he wud never go away and he meant it
You have enjoyed quite a good amount of time away from him now, kiera, of course you will still feel panicky and this will only go away gradually. I am sure yoiur solicitor is onto the fact that the drugs test was delayed in order for him to get "clean"....you are getting there, one step at a time
Hi Kiera,
Your ex will probably always be around as you have a daughter together, but he has no control over you anymore. The anxiety will creep up on you from time to time, but thats all it is and it will pass. You have come so far and done so much for yourself and your children, you are a strong woman and you will get through this.
hi i feel down today, dont feel well, anxietyu i think, not bin sleepin, heart pounding,keep goin dizzy, i dony feel strong, just fed up
Hi kiera, sorry you are having a bad day. It is all the thinking about court that has done it, plus his drugs test. It WILL go away one day, I know it will, is just hard in the meantime. In a sense you need to "plan" for difficult days, what can you do to look after yourself at these times?
hi louise well a diamond shines, recently not shing, ad dream bout ex,he kept followin me and wudnt leave me alone, swear tht was my dream, keep thinkinnbout court, yet few weeks ago i didnt think bout it, how can i eva move on, worried bout if he gets supervised then wotm travellin to centre with my little girl, worried and b anxious whether il see him, even drivin past, and after centre, all of it is a worry, i no cafcass lady as put tht also in er report, bout my safty and cud b marraced again, its just all a worry x does it ever endx
Hi kiera, I hate it when I have a dream about the ex, I do actually still have them 10 years on, it doesn't rattle me so much anymore, but it did used to.
What you can do at the moment is to acknowledge to yourself that you feel anxious and worried about what the Court will decide. You are used to this feeling as you have felt it before when you were with your ex and knew that you were in danger or that something wasn't right. However back then, you couldn't feel the full extent of it because you needed to stay alert. Now you have had some space to relax and not worry about his every next move, you have let go a bit. However now the court date approaches, the thought of seeing him and what may come has reminded your body of that old feeling of panic and fear. So you need to tell your mind and body that you are safe, you are surrounded by your children and its your birthday tomorrow!
There is nothing you can do at this point that will change anything, you can't control the situation and worrying only makes people ill. I know I make it sound easy, but only you are in control of how stressed you become over this and hopefully I have given you a bit of an understanding where this anxiety is rising from. Concentrate on today, right now. Focus on what is in your life at this moment, not what will come.
I hope you can create a relaxing evening for yourself.
Anna is so right...and I do hope you enjoy your birthday, Kiera.
Happy birthday kiera, today is all about you, enjoy
Happy Birthday keira hope you enjoy your night out 
So kiera, how was Friday night? Have you recovered yet! 
Look forward to hearing your news
hi ad gud nyt out for my birthday, went to posh bar,the boxer david hayes was in and couple football players , we ad cocktail each, went with my eldest dawter, then went to few bars, ad laff and dance, got in at 2am, early for me, also tuk all kids to resaurant for my birthday and theres big play area where my little girl can play, was gud weekend as my eldest dawter stayed all weekend, gon bk uni today x
Hi kiera! What a fabulous weekend you had! It sounds great! Enjoyed by everyone too! Did you see your parents too?
I'm so glad you had a good birthday and a good weekend.
That sounds excellent!
hi well report as cum thru for court even tho ex drug test was negative apparently ex ad used gel and haircolour on his hair so cafcass lady said she believes he as deliberatly put that on to avoid drug test, so tht test doesnt count, he isnt allowed contact. she feels he isnt honest bout his answers, cafcass lady said he minimised what he did to me in teneriefe and he only hit me once he said , and he bcame very agressive when police arrested him at his home, he also hit his girlfriend, cafacss lady said in report she feels in lied in interview and minimized everythin
and he pretended to b sumone else on fb, i feel sick, he now as my mobile number,so basi cally ive bin spkin to ex when i thought it was sumone else, i have deactivated my account, never goin on fb again, i feel sick, i feel he stil controlin me, why are they givin him anoava chance why, to do drug test, police found canabis in his home nov just gon,he is violent thug, seems like there is gona b anova hearing, yet they said this one wud b last, i cant cope, so fed up, im down cos of all this, i dotn feel strong at all, i cried most day yesterday,feel so down, today im anxious again, ex said he didnt cheat on me he went with ex once and thts how she got pregnant, cafacss lady said in report he minimized wot he did to me on holiday he even said police laffed bout it sayin tht wot brits do on holiday, wot put their girlfrineds in hospital, he said he was scared of me, joke please help me, im a mess right now,
louise hope u reply soon, im so upset ,im so down, it never ends,
feel sick thinkin all time ive bin spkin to my ex and not lad i thought i was spkin to on fb, im sitin ere onm my own and i feel so alone, aparenmtly cud b anova hearin for ex to do drug test without him putin dye on his hair, surly he as ad 2 chances to do test, cafcass lady said she believes he as dyed so it wudnt even show up, he shudnt b allowed any chances, i cant cope anymore astn he dun enuf damage,
Hi kiera, what a lot of information to have to take in. I am not surprised you are feeling totally overwhelmed by all of this. You really have taken a battering, but take some strength in knowing that this is emotional pain, rather than physical pain and that you are in a better place right now than you were when you were seeing him.
It sounds as though he has lied and tried to manipulate everyone he has come in contact with and it is horrible to read that he has hit his current girlfriend, although unfortunately it was to be expected, I hope that she finds a way out for herself.
Well done for being proactive and de-activating your Facebook account. Will you change your mobile number too?
hes not allowed to contact me at all even thru social networkin sites,yet he as pretended to b sumone else. tht must b illegal,
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I suppose it can be argued that he has broken the order - perhaps reporting the matter to the police would be an idea.
The idea of social networking sites is to get you to feel relaxed and share information. If you don't set those settings as secure, as fb seem to keep changing the goal posts, you need to keep checking.
I like to think my page is secure - but too thick to be certain.
I have very few friends on my fb page. There is foster-family that I want to avoid, as I don't want them to know what goes on in my life, as well as people I knew when I was married.
Having so few friends mean that I more or less know them personally. I never accept friend invites unless I know them. I never post photos up either - just in case.
Well done for deleting the account and starting again.
If you've given him your mobile number I'm guessing it means another sim card may be needed?
He is a plonker though, isn't he. It's just a game to some people.
hes an idiot, like another form of control, me thinkin of him lukimn at my pics and my conversation,askin for my nu, pretendin to b sumone else is bad, not goin on fb againx
I'm sorry you are feeling this way kiera. Well done for closing down your fb account. Its a shame he felt the need to trick you by prentending to be someone else, but it just confirms the kind of person he is, and how you need to keep your wits about you when using the social network sites. I am very careful what I put on my page as my ex and I still have mutual friends, even though I have tried very hard to make sure my settings don't let him have access to me there are still loopholes.
Hold on to how far you have come and how good you have been feeling lately. This episode of anxiety will pass and you will be back to feeling strong and in control again. You will begin to notice over time how these episodes pass more quickly as your ex's antics have less influence on you. Keep on keeping on (as my friend always says to me) xx
That is a good point that sparklinglime makes, he is breaking a court order, will you contact the police?
hi court next tue, well aparently it was very last hearing and judge makes a desicion , but in the cafcass report cud b another hearing for a another drug test for ex, even tho judge made it clear he get no more chances, drug test negative but was a note with it sayin they believe he as used hair dye, and cafcass lady says she believes he as tried to delay the drug test in order to get drugs out his system,and in report she did risk assessment and she is concerned as he lied to er face and minimized what he did to me on holiday,so sh esays no contact, surly judge wont giv him yet anova chance,heb as ad 2 already,especialy after he put dye on his hair, if it is last hearing cafcass lady gave no contact at all in report last week,im sure i found my old camera of pictures what i took of my face after what he did to me on holiday, gona get film developed, he said no charges were brought, but there was a trial what of course he never went to, he wanted me go back to teneriefe to drop charges, so cafacss lady said they would contact the authorites to check tht is the case and i hope they do, x
Hi kiera. The fact that ex has lied to cafcass surely will go against him too. Hopefully she'll contact the authorities, and that can also be brought up in court. Have you mentioned the facebook thing to the police yet? As for the drugs thing, if he is a constant user, and is addicted to it, then I'm sure he won't be able to stop using for the length of time it'll take for the drug to be out of his system will it? Don't know anything about this sort of thing.
Hi keira, hopefully the judge won't keep delaying things and will make a final decision based on the reports that they have received so far, have they said how long it could take to get information from the authorities?
Have you contacted the police about him contacting you through facebook as i would imagine this would go against him also as he would be breaking his order not to contact you.
Do you have any plans for this week? cooking up anything scrummy?
i havnt contacted police, gona mention it to soliciter and cafcass lady next tue in court, ex just messing courts bout, surly they must see that
It would probably be better to mention it before court keira as they can gather evidence prior to having to go to court, they also may not take it into account as you had not reported it before hand, maybe you can contact your solicitor and ask her what the best course of action would be.
well it is last hearing next tue, and cafacss lady recomends no contact at all with my little girl, and i wil b marraced again for my saftey and my kids, all worryin, mean how can u actually stop someone from seeing u, my ex drives different veichles, he could pull up next to me at any time, very worriedx
Hi kiera, today is the date your ex has the drug test, I guess you won't hear anything about it until your court date in Feb?