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because the mediation appointment is so far away someone suggested that i contact him and try and sort things out face to face - so i have asked him to meet me at an agreed time and i have suggested we state what we want to discuss in advance - he has agreed to meet and i am just waiting for his agenda before i tell him mine - the problem i have is is it going to get heated and will i get angry and end up walking away - i feel that we can't go on fighting but to be honest i really have no respect for the guy - can't even say i hate him - he is not worth that emotion - any advice anyone?
At least in a public place, LRH, any anger will not be so explosive.
I can't stop either of you getting angry but I can suggest that before the meeting you agree a "time out" signal. This can be a word or a gesture (not THAT sort of gesture 
) that either of you can express at anyt time if you feel that things are getting overheated. You both need to agree that if one person does that then the other will pop outside for a couple of minutes or you will have two minutes silence while you both gather your thoughts. It is about you both being respectfull (difficult when feelings are running high) Is there a third party who could be there, even if they are not actually sitting with you? I have done this for a friend, been sitting in a different part of the pub for example, and it made my friend feel safer knowing I was there, and the father of her boy was more restrained knowing I was nearby.
Sounds like pretty typical kid behaviour not knowing what they want to do but everything you suggest is boring or for babies (thats from the teens), kids father found this difficult as well, and as the others have suggested i had to arm them before hand with ideas of what they could do, if it came from me he would get defensive and say he's not stupid 
struggling today
Hello LRH
Sorry to hear that you are struggling, I know things are hard for you right now, take good care of yourself 
How are you feeling today LRH 
Hope today is a better day...
sadly no my beloved cat is very poorly and has been back and forth at the vets - i never really wanted to write too much in case either of them identified me but i am past caring - i need your support - i had high hopes for my cat today as she finally started eating but that was several hours ago and she hasn't eaten since - i am feeling it is time to say goodbye
my 14 y/o is having a mega strop and i am getting sucked in - i had a mega meltdown last night and i am supposed to be getting together with my ex at the weekend to have a last ditch attempt at communicating before i give up and take it to mediation
why is life so complicated
...because it is. Unfortunately.
I am sorry to hear about your cat, what a dreadful worry for you and although you know that sometimes it is kinder to let go, it does not hurt any less.
Hmm you are meeting with the childrens' dad, I know you are not feeling optimistic about the meeting, The most effective tool you can use is CALMNESS. Can you try to take that in your handbag with you this weekend?
Oh dear re the teen strop, never easy. Did she go to bed Ok in the end?
I am sorry lrh.
cat is doing ok but prognosis is that she will never get better - may be able to live with the condition - however she is on and off eating and keeps following me around - i have been feeling off today and spent the afternoon lying on my bed - she lay with me 
its hard to know if she is telling me to let her go or if she is feeling my pain i am dreading meeting with ex tomorrow - i just know i won't be able to keep my calm - maybe i should think of him in ladies underwear that might help!!
my eldest sabotaged her day out with her friends by getting stroppy with me last night knowing i would tell her she couldn't go because she was embarrassed that she didn't have any money i told her she should have talked to me as i was going to give her money to buy lunch or have a coffee and cake - i feel so sad
youngest and i went to see the artist this morning - great film
a bit of an up and down day and know tomorrow will be awful - send me positive vibes my friends
Of course we always wish you well, and sending you some positive vibes too. Ladies' underwear, eh? Interesting re your daughter, that really is typical teen. Glad you enjoyed the film, I really liked it myself. I am going to see thet Marigold Hotel one on Monday night.
Today will be hard, try to remember it is just one more step along the way, as each challenge has presented itself, you have managed it and you will get through this too. I don't know if I have shared this breathing technique with you.....you breathe in for a slow count of five and out for a slow count of seven. I believe it is not just the actual breath control that helps but the focusing ON the breath, which cuts out other thoughts to some extent.
Will be thinking of you
morning Louise - thank you
cat is not eating - i think its the end
woke at 4am - phoned Breathing Space - the guy i spoke to was brilliant - i hope i remember what he said to me when i have my meetingn- deep breaths
I'm sorry, and I hope you get through today.
I had to put our cat to sleep back in November, and to be honest, there was no doubt then. She stopped eating the day before. I picked her up and she didn't purr, just looked at me... My heart goes out to you. I still miss her incredibly, and have piled stuff where she used to be as a distraction. But, I stayed with her, and know there was no choice...
Thinking of you.
between the cat and the ex what a week its been - regarding the ex at first i thought it was a waste of time - i think we are still miscommunicating hugely but its hard to say - i think the bottom line is he wants to pay us less money and sell the house - he wouldn't admit it as such but he asked about the future and said he couldn't afford to move so i told him to get legal advice and take it from there - he asked me iif i could take the mortgage on but he knows i can't do that - i can't have this hanging over me so will see what happens when he has got legal advice - basically he wants to do this but he doesn't want to feel guilty about it - now i have reduced hours and less money i think he feels backed into a corner - having said all that he can still afford to go away for weekends with her so he can't be too broke! one thing that did happen though is that i realised i don't have any feeling for him - i was nervous at first and had palpatations but i sat looking at him - he could hardly look at me and i just had no feelings or desires towards him - i don't think we resolved anything - he still refused to talk about her - won't tell me when relationship started but i know that already
won't tell me if her kids are happy about the situation and just generally refuses to say anything much about it - so waste of time - i am not sure - will see what the outcome is in a few days
Morning LRH
Not a waste of time at all, even though you did not get anything resolved, did you not feel very relieved that your strong feelings have faded? I can remember looking at the boy's dad and thinking "wow, it is like you are a stranger to me now, I was married to you all those years and now it is as if it never was"
How are you feeling this morning and how is your cat?
Morning Louise - i feel ok this morning - still feeling positive - its a strange feeling but i know what you mean - i looked at him yesterday and it was as if he someone else - not my ex husband.
not sure about the cat - i don't think she is eating enough but i will phone the vets as they may be able to do something else for her - i don't want to give up on her as she was close by me all weekend and purring and she seems ok - i of course don't want to see her suffer just for my benefit but that is why it is so difficult - with her sister i knew it was time to let her go -
If she's eating and drinking - even a bit, that is good...
I know where you're coming from with the 'stranger' bit.
Sadly lrh we hardly ever get the answers we want at the end of a relationship, which can be frustrating and make us feel like no progress is being made, Louise has already been pointed out that you have made loads of progress
Thinking of you and sorry to hear about your cat, I have not had the heart to get a new cat since my last cat passed, me and the kids were really upset. Big hug
Hi lrh, glad that you had the chat with your ex and although it feels like nothing is resolved, you have resolved something - your emotions. This means that anything further regarding housing etc, might be hard, but at least you won't be yearning for him.
In regards to his new life, it isn't really any of your business now, so it is understandable that he won't open up and talk about it. Let sleeping dogs lie, your business with him is the children,contact & maintenance, nothing more.
I think you will know with your cat when it is her 'time', you sound like a conscientous person, so trust your instincts. Thinking of you.
cat is gonei am very very sad but know i did the right thing
Hi lrh. Just catching up with your thread. Hope you're okay, especially now finding out you right all along about the 'idiot' having someone else. Us women are always right
Sorry about the cat. x
I am so sorry. I know you'll be devastated.
Loads of virtual hugs lrh
Thanks - crying for her but know she will be running round the fields chasing birds now
Sending you lots of good wishes, LRH
Dear littleredhen, how painful for you. Have you seen the lovely poem Rainbow Bridge?
Thinking of you...
thanks
so angry last night and still angry this morning - can't say too much on here but something happened last night that my ex knew would make me mad - i texted him and went mad - i know Louise - you asked me to wait till the next morning
but i am humanLooking at it logically it was all circumstances but he knew i would be raging and he could have contacted me. I think he has broken my trust over communication again - if it is as simple as he didn't think then he should have thought! simple!! grrr!
just when i think we could communicate on some level this happens and leaves me back at square one - probably not making much sense!
Stomp it out littlererdhen! You sound furious, whatever has gone on. Even though it feels like it you are not back at square one, you are still enduring the process.
When I get angry towards certain people, I write out exactly what I am angry about and why and what I would like them to do about it. It really helps! I don't send it, but I do feel expressed (if you get my drift!) You don't want to walk around all day carrying this and your children don't need it either.
How are you feeling since this morning?
I am just telling myself that we will never be able to communicate - just when i thought things were looking positive on that front I always get yanked back to reality. What makes me so mad is either he didn't think about how i would feel (more likely as I know i don't figure in his thinking!) or he couldn't be bothered to get in touch (less likely).
However what happened last night was that he knew i wouldn't be happy with the situation as we had discussed it previously and I even asked him on Sunday to make sure this particular scenario wasn't going to happen. He now reckons someone let him down - my point is phone me and tell me and I will take action - he never gave me the opportunity so as far as I am concerned I don't want to bother trying to have a relationship with him - how frustrating
How absolutely infuriating!
Good suggestion from Anna to write it all down, or I find that something physical such as a very brisk walk or throwing a few cushions around helps me get rid of the adrenalin that anger produces.
just seen the two of them together - she is wearing a silver ring - it was her birthday last week - how predictable - he bought me a silver ring when were together - she never used to wear jewellery. i am hopping mad - we gave each other dirty looks - i want to not care - i want to not be angry but i don't want him to have it easy either - someone please help
How awful for you. What sort of help do you think would be useful LRH, and what would be possible that would help you?
i don't know Louise to be honest - i want it to stop hurting and get on with my life - if i see them together i want it not to matter - he is so heartless - i lost my cat a few days ago does he not care about my feelings - don't answer that - i know he doesn't
Hi LRH, you want it to stop hurting. I don't blame you! your feelings are in such a state of flux at the moment, one day you think "hey I am doing really well" and the next "I feel so hurt and infuriated by what has happened, why am I not moving on?" I promise that you ARE moving on, through all the stages of grief and separation, and if you did NOT go through them, then your cure would not be complete, and in that respect I am sad to say that I am not much help in that it is something that just has to be got through, for us all who separate, a bit like a close bereavement.
In time, it will feel easier, but I know that you want that time to be now and not in six months' time. Try to be patient (patience is very much one of my life's lessons as I believe it is yours) and time will do its work.
thanks Louise - i can't bear to think of them together yet i know i don't want him and i am relieved we are apart - i think i was so shocked at how i felt and if i am honest i don't want either of them to be happy cos i don't think they deserve it - there are lines in life that you don't cross and they crossed them - she did it twice!
Loads of hugs.
It makes perfect sense to me that you don't want him and yet you can't bear to think of them together and also hope they are not happy, I understand that completely (been there a few years ago, and unfortunately got the T shirt) It's not wrong to feel this but it is something that can gnaw away at you if you let it. One thing that helped me was when I realised that the only person who was acutally suffering due to my having those feelings, was ME.....it wasn't having any impact on HIM at all (or HER) So maybe as time goes on you will be able to give yourself the gift of better peace of mind. You could write down exactly how you feel and burn the paper in the garden.....this helps some people.
Take good care of you
thanks everyone for your hugs and words of advice - i think this has been one of my toughest weeks having lost my beloved cat and seeing my ex with vew!
i have just spent an hour talking to a guy on breathing spacedo you know they are amazing on that helpline as well as you guys herewhat a revelation - when you chat away to someone experienced in counselling it gives you such an insight into your behaviour and helps you move on.
i already knew that i had spent my married life organising things for all of us and trying to get him to take an interest but now i realise it is not my job anymore to help him have a better relationship with his kids - its up to him to put the time in and not up to me to organise. also if he wants to know stuff about school and what is going on in their lives its up to him to ask the right questions - he played a very childlike role in our lives - well he is going to have to stand on his own two feet now and man up. i feel a sense of relief and understanding now and a little less guilty.
my eldest is away this weekend so have been having a fun time with youngest - we went shopping on friday for her friends birthday presents, had a chinese for tea. she was out playing yesterday with her friends and we watched lets dance at night while eating nachos! her dad hated the smell of them! today we are going into town shopping for clothes for her birthday - a while away but with her sister away it means we can do it without unwanted opinions! and off for lunch courtesy of tesco vouchers - feeling a bit better today so thank you to everyone who has supported me so far - i love you all
Well said, LRH, glad things are looking brighter. Remember the only one hurt by your feelings is yourself. Hope you enjoy your shopping trip and lunch
Hear hear!
It did take a while for me to see that...
Hi lrh. So sorry to hear you've had some bad days. Glad you were able to speak to someone and that it helped you. Thinking of you loads, and hoping next week is a better one for you.
aw thanks hazeleyes and everyone else of course - yeh it has been tough this week but i have had a good day with youngest - great shopping and nice lunch - in fact i can't even say good days it seems to be good few hours but usually about this time of the day i start thinking of him again and stuff starts going through my head - evenings are not goodbut i just have to accept them. the guy i spoke to was great because i said to him i think of all the things wrong with my marriage but he said its as if i am trying too hard to convince myself all that was wrong and i just have to let it happen naturally - i know he is right and i am going to stop trying to force myself to put myself in that place and go with the flow a bit more - have a good evening everyone and i hope next week is good for all of us
didn't sleep too well last night - a bit of a stressful week as part of my working hours are now going to be done at a different school and i know i am worried about it - so missing my beloved cat - the house feels so empty - i was looking on cat rehoming websites - i don't know if i will ever feel i want another cat - i know its early days
hope everyone has a good week - i am feeling sad this morning so hope it will pass
Thinking of you lrh.
Big hug lrh hope your day improves
HI LRH, it sounds as though Breathing Space were really very useful to you. Why not give them another call, they can help you put things into perspective?
When I feel particularly blue I try and think of one positive thing or something that I am thankful for and try and focus on that.
For me today my positive is that the sun is shining here! And I am thankful for my brother who rescued me and my car after 5 days of me stressing what to do about it!
really really struggling - had a fall out with eldest - feel really low and hopeless at the moment
Hello LRH
I am sorry yo have had a fallout with your daughter, just makes things worse when you already feel rubbish, I know.
The things that we have all talked with you about, different thoughts and techniques, over the time you have been with us, especially this thread, how about reading it back and looking at the different suggestions that have been made? I know you find Breathing Space helpful but what seems more difficult for you is to bring the work that we or they have done with you, into play the next time you have a low point. I wonder if you could make yourself an aide memoire of all the different things that have been recommended, by them or by us, and let it act as a guide you can get out to help you when you get such times? Another thing I would suggest is to re-read the Paul McKenna book, you would probably have a different perspective now to when you originally looked at it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Hi lrh, apologies to your daughter
I am not surprised a 14 year old girl doesn't want to hang out at this flat.
You make a good point, why can't they be there and the flat mate go out? Can this be suggested?