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Loads of hugs.
I totally understand what you're facing.
What stopped me being angry was accepting that I couldn't change him. I spent precious time ranting when I could have been doing stuff with the children. I can go out now as my lot are older, but was unable to for a good few years.
You will get to the point where you won't care what he's doing. But getting to that point does take time, and if I'm honest, it has never completely left me...
Hi littleredhen. Just catching up with some posts. Really sorry you're feeling so low and cross at the moment. I don't know what to say that the others haven't already. It's hard for you right now, but try not to think about what he's doing, as this is only bringing you down further. I do hope you have a better day today. Take care. xx
thanks sparklinglime and hazeleyes - i think the problem is we were having problems in our marriage for a long time - then someone else got involved and he had tried to convince me it was for friendship but then he ended up kissing her and since then i could not forgive or forget that situation - that was the straw that broke the camels back and although deep down i know that we were having problems before that i cannot get her out of my head and now because her marriage has ended it just is all too convenient. i keep telling myself that in a way if he didn't have anyone else i would probably be trying to get him back but at least this way i know its over and deep down even without her in the picture its over - my head and heart are playing tricks on me and its not nice :-(
littleredhen i get what you mean , its bad enough when you know things are wrong but when they have someone else it hurts more . and yes for now your heart and mind will play tricks , i hated that feeling . my ex now i see had a problem in talking when he felt down or unhappy it would always end in a row and he would then tell me . i know that i couldnt change him and i knew he had a temper and would use it ! he hit me 3 times during we were together this time being the worse but he would use the doors or the worktops and yet you do think that you can change them but never will .
think what hurts is the way that they can lie and cheat and they dont seem to blink at to what they are doing and how quickly they move on ! i know that with mine i have not been told the truth but i tell myself that it was his doing and his choice and his fault and that helps me but to get to this stage as taken me a while. chin up and hugs its hard i know but we will get through
Hi littleredhen, did you read Mich's A bit of a pep talk, if not have a look.
I think from her post, having no contact has been a godsend in helping her overcome the bitter pain and broken trust that her ex left her with.
I know that you probably need to have your ex help you doing the ferrying around, but can you see any way of doing ALL of this on your own? Then only let him step in as and when he wants and it suit you?
Thanks Anna - i have decided when he comes to pick up the girls that i will be upstairs out of the way - he probably wouldn't come in anyway and i get mad if he doesn't look at me or speak to me - i refuse to do everything myself because i know i will be just cutting my nose off to spite my face - next problem is my dd is playing in a concert - i told her to text her dad and ask for money for his ticket - he told her to remind him when he saw her the next day - she forgot - i have just asked her to text him again but she says she can't find her phone - so i have told her that i will not remind her again and if he doesn't get a ticket then i am not responsible - then i took some deep breaths - i know that they will both blame me as i used to be the one to organise everything - unfortunately i would have been prepared to sort his ticket out but last weekend i had presumed he was attending something with us and paid £2 for his ticket only for him to tell me on the day he had other plans so no more organising him!
Hi littleredhen, well done you!
Sorry I have been away from the boards for a while and only just seen your post.
Your ex's relationship with his daughters is his concern now. I know that we want to protect our children, but he is going to have to learn to take some of the control now.
What happened with the concert, did he attend??
yes he did - got a ticket at the last minute but i unfortunately ended up rowing with him over the thing!
never again - he is not worth putting myself through the upset -
xxx
hugs for you xx
made a fool of myself and am now sobbing and wishing i hadn't - i am afraid i am back to the beginning again of the healing process - what an idiot i am
Hello LRH
Poor you, sounds as if you were very upset last night. Let me say this again though: TEARS ARE GOOD. You are not back at the beginning again. Sometimes we lurch back to the beginning for a very brief time and lurch back again equally speedily. It is a bit like being on a diet. Say if you had lost a stone, then had a giant blow out, you might put weight on, but not the whole stone! It's a set back, that's all. Hope you are feeling a bit brighter this morning.
thanks - i can't believe i was stupid enough to ask him if he was having any regrets - he of course said no no regrets - why did i do such a stupid thing - he has made me feel ridiculous and of course made me feel the break up was all my fault - sorry but i do feel back to square one cos i had started to believe it was joint responsibility and now talking to him has reinforced that he thinks its my fault - grrr!!
It doesn't matter what he thinks....not really. He will be bound to tell himself it is your fault as that lets him off the hook. Try not to have these talks with him again, and move forward with things yourself, with our support
lrh, listen, don't worry about ehat he does or doesn't think...whatever you did or didn't do would be 'the wrong answer' anyway...you will get past this, but it will take time...
You are still feeling raw and we do say things we wish we hadn't at times..but it's all part of the healing process....right now you feel you need answers from him, but there will come a point when even that won't matter to you...
Hugs xx
thanks Mich - i do find when we start talking about us he gets very off hand so i would rather not be spoken to in that way - but anyway i certainly wont be asking him anymore questions - i got a lot of satisfaction ripping up anniversary and birthday cards from him - i even ripped up a couple of wedding photos that i had got copies of and put in frames on the bedroom wall (i had taken them off the wall when he left ) but i took them out of the frames last night and ripped them into lots of pieces!!
I burnt mine :-) Very liberating, I found. I wondered if I'd ever regret it, but never have after 7.5 years.
Children have their own album, and there is a wedding photo that never came out the padded envelope somewhere, just in case the children ever want to see it. Just I think its with my jewellry box that has The Git's wedding ring and chain in **sigh** It might turn up.
thanks sparkling - i am tempted to get our wedding album and shred it - i wonder if he wants it? anyway will leave it for the moment - it is in the attic anyway - maybe on our anniversary i will set fire to it!!
Gosh I never thought of ripping up the wedding photos 
I would definitely keep a few for the children. I can look at mine with no worries now and I love having that record of my parents when they were aliove and well.
My friend went through all hers and just cut out the groom's face. What was a bit shocking to me was that when I went to her Mum's, there was still a wedding photo on display on the sideboard...but with the groom's face missing......
oh Louise that was so funny - not healthy for the kids though to have his face cut out on display but tempting nevertheless!!!
i have to say looking through the album - we got the very basic package so just one of small family groups and that was it - that some of the people have since died so i know that i will keep it and for the kids to see but i did enjoy ripping up anniversary cards as even in time there is no point keeping them
Yes, I understand that!! Bit like how I enjoyed selling my wedding ring for scrap 
You are right, it was so horrid for her kids and I did tell her that, but at the time she was consumed by her own bitterness (which I also understood)
now there is a thought (for the wedding ring) i also have an eternity ring with saphhires in!
Well anyone that has anything gold to dispose of, you never know (not that I am a metallurgist, I just see a lot of dealers advertising at the moment)
is a metallurgist someone allergic to metal!!
Hi lrh. Hope you're okay today. Sorry, I've missed your posts in the last couple of days. The pictures might be nice for the children one day, am glad you didn't rip them up. Now, for the gold, go for it. xx
At least with the children having their own album, I don't feel guilt and can easily avoid it.
I also kept the photo where everyone was in the photo. So hard to look at as so many have died... But then it was 27 years ago now.
Have to say I laughed at your post Louise. I couldn't have done that.
I have to say that I really enjoyed my wedding even if it was incredibly emotional!
well just a bit of an update - communication is failing - we can't agree on him seeing the kids - it seems to take forever to agree on dates/times, he has now decided to tell me that he is paying too much in maintenance - it is a power thing - when he comes into the house he won't sit down and stands over me as if he is bigger and better than me - in fact he is making it so much easier for me to move on. I won't have him in the house anymore i feel he is intimidating me. The more he treats me like this the more i realise what a bully he is - he doesn't like me speaking up and telling him that i think he is a liar and a cheat - he can't take responsibility for his actions - he needs to say horrible things about our marriage and tells me it was over years ago - more fool him for hanging around then!
i have no respect for him anymore and i am trying really hard not to let the idiot bother me anymore
can i start calling him the idiot on here now or can anyone think of a better name rather than referring to him as the ex
I have a lovely name for mine, as you know. It's not rude, and idiot isn't rude...
It is a control thing with contact. Even when The Git was seeing the children just for an evening (after tea, of course, so he didn't have to feed them...) he started to bring them home after 20 minutes, so I couldn't even go shopping. He should have had them for two hours.
Same with cancelling contact - including overnight contact - with 5 minutes notice.
In the end my brother-in-law wrote out a new contact arrangement where The Git was to give 24 hours notice of when he could see them for a set time. He did stick to that.
We were about three years down the line then. He's hardly seen them since he met and married The Gittess, and I do see her at fault for not encouraging him to see them.
But at the end of the day, all the PWC can do is deal with it.
Hope you're doing ok otherwise (I know its hard...)
Hi littleredhen, its great reading your post, I know that you have been finding things really tough recently, but it sounds as though,you may have turned a corner in your own personal journey
You are beginnning to really see through him! This means that you can get tough and feel more in control over your life and your childrens. You won't have to question his every comment, you can decide what you want and stick with it.
The New Year is now settled in, I hope that you can now see light at the end of the tunnel lrh?
hi there - well communication has finally broken down and i am not in the least bit bothered - weekends are arranged for next couple of months so no need for any more sarcastic emails or texts - it feels quite liberating not to be contacting him and then getting annoyed when he doesn't reply - feeling much more powerful and taking the power away from him
. As long as its not affecting the kids then it suits me - felt much happier the last few days knowing that i won't be made to feel like a bad communicator. Long may the feeling continue
Way to go lrh 
It's great that you're feeling more powerful and even better taking the control away from him. Like you say as long as it's not affecting the children, then you're happy with the situation. Well done. xx
thanks hazeleyes - i am trying to take one day at a time as i had a good cry yesterday over something silly but it is so empowering not having that contact - i know now that i don't need to keep checking my phone or my emails! lots more free time to spend with my kids
finally got work sorted out - have got reduced hours which will mean a good chunk of money less but we will manage and i might get some free time for myself now too - i can just go more money saving than i already am
That sounds brilliant lrh
Any plans yet for your free time littleredhen? How are you today?
really struggling today - feeling upset and angry - there is contact later today and i want to go out but unfortunately he can't pick them up any earlier (genuine reason on Sundays) and it is making me frustrated that i have to miss out on the cinema because i will be too late for the film i want to go and see - it makes me frustrated, angry and upset that he can swan about exactly as he pleases and i have to turn myself inside out - he has not contacted either of them by text for a week and then he protests that he loves and misses them - i am beginning to wonder - i can't believe he has not been in touch just because he and i are not communicating anymore -
I agree it is very annoying that the other parent seems to get loads of freedom to come and go, that used to drive me bananas! However, I still was glad that I was the one seeing the children every day and I think that's how I got through. Yours are of an age when you will soon be able to go anyway, whether he has arrived or not!
lrh, hope you're feeling better today. Sending lots of hugs. xx
i am really angry - he has taken them out today and met up with ew and her kids - grrr it makes my blood boil - why can't he leave playing happy families and just see his kids himself.
Agreed, I understand that you would ike him to have some quality time with them and I expect they think that too. How do you think they would feel about writing him a letter saying just that?
finally he has admitted he is seeing her - not sure how it feels - i feel quite calm but i think the rage will come
Hi littleredhen, how are you doing?
You have known all along that your ex was seeing someone else, so now that he has admitted it perhaps you won't feel the rage, just a sense of knowing you were right, this can be empowering!
Did your children enjoy themselves on their visit?
When my mum and dad split up I was 21! My dad met someone else within a year and got married not long after that. Since then, I have never seen him on his own. It is sad as we used to have quite a good relationship, but I just don't think he can handle it, too much like hard work, too intense for him. I have told him on a number of occasions that I would like to spend some one on one time with himm, but it falls on deaf ears.
I think that if your ex continues to see the children with other people around, he will lose that closeness with them. If you can write to him and say that, then you are giving him the option. If he chooses to ignore it, that is his choice and ultimately his loss.
Thanks Anna - my eldest wasn't happy that they had to tag along with her and her kids - but we had a good chat and i told her to tell her dad how she feels - i also told him.
my ex and i are no longer speaking - i just can't deal with him and have contacted a mediation service - i think he is trying to kid us that he has the kids interests at heart - he can't seem to think of anything to do with them when its just him and the kids - also when she hasn't organised something for them all to do he asks the kids what they want to do - its just like when we were married - i always used to come up with the ideas - oh well will see what the mediation service come up with
I think you have hit the nail on the head - they just can't think how to entertain their children.
What do the children want to do with him? Perhaps you could have a family meeting at home and discuss this in preparation, you could help the children come up with some ideas, so that you can take that to mediation?
Of course Alton Towers, Disneyland, Legoland might be on the list (and that is allowed, everyone needs a few really good days out), but you might be surprised to hear what they want to do. Cycle ride, picnics, visiting relations.
If you can help him have a good relationship with them, it can only be a good thing. I think absent parents also need to know that they don't have to DO anything with their children, just BE with them and LISTEN to them.
Do you have a date for mediation?
A couple of problems Anna - he shares a flat with another male - my 14 y/o doesn't like being around there so hence they really do have to do something - he usually asks them what it is they want to do and when he doesn't its cos he has arranged something with her!
it used to be the same when we all lived together - it was always me who came up with suggestions and if left to them they usually said " i don't know" or "not much" so he doesn't really have a choice - he needs to come up with something -
No mediation appointments until beginning of May
sorry should have said thanks for ideas about sitting and listening to them - i think i will sit them down individually and get them to come up with some ideas they can give to him
What a shame your 14yr old doesn't like hanging out at your ex's flat, do you know why? Is it because he doesn't like the flatmate, or is it that he wants to be out and about?
Glad you have taken on board to chat with the children as they hopefully will have some bright ideas. They are old enough to be involved in the contact arrangements and how they would like to see it move forward.
Blimey May seems ages away, but it will come around soon enough, has your ex agreed to the meetings?
Anna my 14 y/o is a she
She is at that age where she finds it embarrassing just being with people she doesn't know and lets face it - it seems a shame that he can't get some time in the flat alone with them - i don't think my ex thought through the implications of flat sharing and rushed into getting a place - mind you that is why i call him "the idiot"
I have yet to tell me ex about the appointment but i am thinking of sending an email suggesting we meet up and try and discuss the issues in a public place one last time before we give up
just trying to compose something that takes all the emotion out of things and deals with the facts - not that easy though - i am human
Oh poor you, LRH. Right back in the position of ideas lady. Anna has suggested some things, and I do agree you will have to be ready with a list if your children don't come up with much. Here are a few more: swimming, cinema, bowling, board games afternoon, outdoor games such as cricket/rounders, treasure hunt, visit a farm, have a ride on a train, make a family tree ( not all on the same day of course!)
It's difficult. Have to say when we first split up, ex did listen to suggestions about walks on the beach and picnic. He had to put a lot of effort into it as I used to have to prise my daughter off me to stay with him (I found it easier taking them to him, he'd bring them back). She was 10 when we first separated.
I hope things do work out.
thanks - i know i can only change my behaviour and i cannot change his behaviour and i think this time of year is particularly frustrating. its funny really because the person i suspect is involved has split with her husband after she had a previous affair - its strange watching my ex and her apparantly going out on the same evenings and i keep telling myself that there is nothing going on and its just a coincidence or there is something going on and there is nothing i can do about it! i don't really know why it makes me so angry - i know deep down i don't want him and he certainly doesn't want me.
deep breaths i suppose - is anger one of the stages of separation