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aw than k u hun, ive got tears in my eyes u sayin tht to me, honestly, well i av bin thru alot, but av keep goin not letin tht no mark control me no more, and he doesnt, av my kids think bout, thank u again hunxxx
hi im doin this how are u, are u asleepxx
Thanks fizzy Liz
No not asleep Kiera xx
Someone tell me when this this nightmare ends
I feel that knum to everything nothing hurts anymore cos I'm knum all over even my minds knum, I feel nothing, not even physical pain this is nuts.
I need this to all be over,
I wish that he'd help me
Bruises and cuts I now have to hide again
Knum knum knum
Hello I'm doing this
We are still here for you. Even if agencies can read this, you have said nothing wrong but we do worry about YOU and the fact that you are not getting the support you need.
Please keep writing your poems as they are a good way of expressing your feelings. The numb thing is normal....it is your mind trying to protect you from everything that is going on.
I know you keep saying I said nothing wrong but scared to say how I'm feeling now x
And thankyou for your reply
hi hin im bk, bin out all morning, are u ok, im ere for u, ur nitemare wil end when u take positeve steps to get rid of tht man who as dragged u down for so long, ur kids wil sense all this hun,thinkin of u hunxx
Hi Kiera thankyou, I'm trying so hard to stay strong I am
i no its not easy, far from it, ive bin there hun, wot u upto this weekendxx
Hi imdoingthis, wow you guys have posted lots, i have not been able to read all about whats been happening for you this week!
You say that your are trying to stay strong imdoingthis, i think that you have made some great positive steps since you first came on here, and i would imagine most of us that have experienced domestic abuse will remember being exactly where you are now.
At first you may not think that you are making much ground, but in actual fact you are coming along in leaps and bounds well you asimulate all that has gone on and start your recovery and a new life for you and your children.
Anyone that has been through this will tell you its not easy, so having an outlet is really good, i like that you have found a way to somewhat express yourself through poetry, and your tatoos, i think i remember you were designing a new one!
So as keira has asked do you have plans for the weekend?
Hi Sally
Plans are I'm just enjoying the quiet in the house to get my head together while the children are at contact.
Taking children out to the fair on Sunday.
Do you know when your brain is full? That feeling you carnt make go away there's to much and you don't know how to realease it?
I hate the feeling ... Of she crawls to find her bubble to hide in
He's on his way to collect children feel sick panic attacks it's horrible
hi hun thought kids was at contact with their dad hun, so hes on his way, x
Hi Imdoingthis, I remember that feeling of when your brain/head feels so full you just can't think straight. People would ask you the simplest questions and you wouldn't be able to hear them or even understand what they were asking of you!
Is that how you are feeling? Emotionally wrought or wrung out - you want to stop the train and get off? I do remember those feelings so well.
I used to write lists...I still do actually! Then if there is anything that I have to think about or do then I write it down, so that it didn't clog the brain!
I think finding some calm time is really important, when the children are at contact, rather than spending time 'thinking' why not spend it relaxing? Designing your new tattoo, playing some chill music, writing poetry etc.
Your head will get itself together all in good time, but you have to give it a break from all of this too.
How well are you sleeping these days?
Yes thats it, I nearly posted last nigh " stop the world I want to get off"
So walk to shops clear my brain then I'm gonna have a glass of wine and unwind.
Erm kinda last night my son woke and I realised it was time to get up and I hadn't slept :-/ not good.
I was to upset to sleep.
When I go backwards I am very horrible to myself, if he's not doing it I am, not eating either down to a size 10/8 now!
hi well ive gon from size 12 to size 10 now but im glad bout tht, lol, but u dont want lose to much weight hun, ive treated myself to bottle malibu and pepsi max,lol av glass when my little girl in bed, mymboys sleepin at nanas so hun il b on ere for u tonyt, okxx
That's nice Kiera thanks chick
I love the stuff too well I darnt drink spirits at the minuet I scare myself so I'll have my wine .. Cheers for later.
Hiya Imdoingthis and every1 else. Hope everyone is doing well and have been reading the posts and will post again later. Found out Social Services involved again regarding my daughter. Asked them to ring me back as they were going to visit her at school - no phone call so far!! Still will have to be patient. Hope you have a good night and u r sounding more positive again which is good to hear. Every1 is rooting for you so u have a lot of support. I really dont want anything at all to do with my ex again. If I ever saw her again then it would be too soon. Have really had enough of her and her lies and behaviour - so I understand how you feel about your ex. I am lucky my daughter is at that age now that really I dont need to see my ex when contact takes place (not getting contact at mo anyway) and I wonder if this is practical from your point of view ie that they just go out to him without u having to deal with him and that any communication is done by letter, email or text. That way if he oversteps the mark you have something written as proof?? Its easier said than done as my ex will not put anything in writing however if this second spell with Social Services works out 'badly' then who knows I could end up with custody of my daughter and the dynamics change a bit. Take care
hi charlie mad hearin bout man talkin bout a woman, i ope my ex dont get contact, at the mo hes not allowed to av contact. he as very violent criminal past, but bet he wil get supervised acess, not heard of social thank god, thts cos ive ad no contact with ex at all, and i dont intend to, how old is ur dawter,
well i dont like wine at all, i like champagne tho lol or fizzy wine like vintage cava, but for change ive got malibu and with cocunut flakes in,its new, not opened it yet, my little girl just ad er bottle, how are u, x
Hi all Charlie, keep us posted about your daughter I hope it works out well for you.
I had a tough day with 'him' again sigh and I spent last night just in a state I guess.
X
Well i don't have the children so the vodkas out I need to switch off my head it's tired.
oh no now vodka i cant handle, to strong for me, sumtyms i av vodka and red bull, thts nice stil strong, malibu i can handle, hun dont drink vodka im thinkin ul start feelin worsex
Hi Kiera, not seen the one with coconut in sounds really nice.
I feel really confused and fuzzy about everything.
If I wasnt scared of men if you know what I mean I'd go on a date Iv been asked but I'm not ready and I'm scared but someone said I need a new man so he gets the message, I don't want to though I'm not ready.
Kiera you seem so strong when you talk about your ex I'm jelly when it comes to mine.
I'm just having one , then a glass of wine
yeah cocunut flakes floating in malibu its nice not opened it yet, gona get my little girl to bed then no kids, where are ur kids hun, well im over worse with my ex u c, got rid of him but do av court i av bin thru hell of alot past months, tuk while get rid of him ad to get police and soliciter to do it tho, wasnt easy but i did it cos not fair on my kids, they want their mum happy ,and i wasnt not with my ex playin mind games constantly, im dreadin court in nov but no point worryin bout it is there, well i met lad in bowlers, club i went to, we av bin txtin each other but thts it, i want b on m yown really ,concentrate on kidsxx
Hi Kiera and Imdoingthis - daughter is 12 - ex and newish husband have another 2 children as well. All were put on 'At Risk Register' 12 months ago but Social Services failed to involve me. I am trying to take them to task about this. Then got home this afternoon to message from my mum. Ex had spoken to her saying she was having dghter taken into care. I sensed this was not quite true but maybe partial truth. Rang Social Services and the person dealing with the case had gone to the school. I asked that she could ring me back when she returned but no phone call. She may have gone straight home after dealing with case - I dunno. Yeah it does seem odd that in my case the shoe is on the other foot. I have tried to do the right thing regarding my dghter but if anything I am enabling ex and her husband to get away with what I suspect/know regarding drink/drugs. As hard as it is I am now trying to take a back seat and just let the story unfold. Regarding Social Services I have tried to tell them what I know and they think different - what they fail to see is that my ex is a good liar and manipulator. I know she is because I lived with her and know the extent of her lies. I sense that given time I will be proved correct but feel powerless to do anything constructive that will ease my dghters burden. My dghter currently doesnt want anything to do with me based on the lies she has been told about me. In fairness to her, if I was her, I wouldnt want anything to do with me based on some of what I know she has been told. Its all very frustrating but as this has been going on for a long time now, I have learnt to cope with it. I feel bad for saying this, I almost wish something would happen with my dghter, so that the authorities see what I have been saying all along but being proved right would not really be a good solution. Something has to give. For example I read the Social Services report from last year and one of the things on the new husbands record is that the police went to their address to do with firearms threats. Yet nothing appears to have been done?? Ho hum - life eh??
Imdoingthis - all I can suggest regarding your ex is that you work out what works best for you in how you can deal with him and stick to it. My ex used to ring and prank call me if u know what that is? Like a fool I would return the call as I thght it might be urgent/to do with my dghter. Then I realised that if was important she would ring me. I slowly tried to change things to dealing with her on my terms and now thats what I do. It works for me and now I am reasonably content. I have a passage I want to send u on here which I will try and do tonite/tomoro which may help you and how u deal with him psychologically.
Take care and enjoy your respective evenings. I have Coronation St, my computer and some digestive biscuits!!! lol
Just read this and it seems apt:
When life is gives you a hundred reasons to cry
Show life you have a thousand reasons to smile 
hi well ive got malibu and pepsi and watching my soaps recorded um lol, my ex played mind games, on massive scale i didnt no wheter i was cumin or going, i found out in court bout my ex violent past and secret life , i dont want my ex to av contact with our little girl,
Never free
Her mental chains locked deep in tight
How can she see them there not in sight
Those chains that lock around her sole
The invisable daggers dig in whole
The scars on her heart
Will they ever heel
It's not like her bruises
That fade from the start
Her invisible web he spins some more
She vanishes her fears and shows them the door
Her transparent blanket that wraps her tight
She sees no wrong in him tonight
Her blinkers on her vision amiss
She knows it's wrong when she feel him kiss
Her hollow shell, her empty sole
His cruel hand is paying it's towle
Drugged and lifeless
She sees his game
She begs and begs for him to change
His anger to surface
He's in a rage
He tells her not to sleep
Or she'l not wake
How this ends is yet to see
Freedom you say?
We will see
After all don't forget
Is freedom in reach for her to get
Even the birds are chained to the sky
Shes waisting her efforts with her cries.
Hi Kiera
Have you got your evening to yourself yet ? Enjoy your Malibu x
Im on my wine now xx
Ok I missed a chunk of the thread there,
All Charlie it sounds interesting please share!
And please keep up er herm .... Mr shades needs a wooly hat , loose the glasses eh? It's freezing
hiya yep avin nice cold glass malibu and pepsi and ice, lol,. watchin m ysoaps, recorded um,u write sum true words hun, u deserve so much better ,thought id tell u thatxx
Ah enjoy it Kiera ;)
Do you know what though, I wonder how or if I'd be able to have a 'normal' relationship you know
I feel like Iv been made to be like this , if I got a new man I'd pick an abusive one to feel normal, it's like just me if you know what I mean.
hi im same i think im gona b so wary, like anythin he does wrong or wot i think is wrong il prob dump him lol,x
Hi Imdoingthis - picked up on your Mr Shades joke - sense of humour coming back?? Bloody good!!! What a crazy country this is - I was driving in to London at lunch - glorious sunshine. Now p-ing with rain and bloody cold like u say. I will see if I can find a better emoticon just for you!!!! lol 
Hows this one??
With regards to a new relationship - it will come, be patient. First sign he is like your ex run like bloody hell - and dont look back!! Learn to love yourself, that is what I had to do. It sounds vain but it aint. Work on you and the rest will follow and one day u will look back on this stage of your life and laugh and think was that really me?? Enjoy
I don't yrust no one
hi id love to meet decent man, but just doesnt happen,
Wtf that emotion looks like a blow up doll ! Come on Charlie you can do better than that where you shopping for these emotions?
Such negativity in ones so young!!! lol You both will - you might have just been looking in the wrong places??? Keep the faith and it will happen
I met a really desant man, all the things you want he worked for the police but he was very boring I like the excitement, the rush the thrill buzz whatever you call it
He told me about the city's history I couldn't handle it but he ended it I think he found out my history obvously working for the police.
So u found a decent man so it shows they do exist. Yeah he was dull. So next time or the time after that or even the time after that u get a decent one, that makes u smile, your heart miss a beat and he makes u larf!!!! They are out there, like for me there are decent women. The fun and enjoyment can be in finding them and then working to keep them if they are worth it. If they are not what u want, politely walk on by
hi my laptop shut down on me , i met decent lad 12 yr younger than me but pushed him away constantly, shame ,
hi im doin this how are u, u okxx
Sorry one of my messages disappeared. I guess I will have to work on my emoticons!! lol. Hope you both have a good nites kip and that your respective hangovers are minimal in the morning. Take care. Keep smiling.
ope ur ok im doing thisxx
Hi Kiera I'm ok
I know I carnt go back to him I just carnt, how I keep afloat is another story, it gets to the point where you feel you carnt get over it or him so there's no other option.
All Charlie , not that I know what a blow up doll looks like of course .. Blush keep looking is there one with a helmet or something ? Maybe we one day will all meet someone who treats us as we treat them.
I feel like I'm sat in the front of hudge big rollercoaster and my seat belts stuck and so I have to go around again and agin and I feel sick , not the drink! But I'm scared of going down the dips because I hit the floor I'm scared when I'm like that.
Ok enough waffling for one night I must sleep I must go to bed this is verging on redicoulus now, night all.
nyt hunxx
im drinkin mi glass of malibu then goin bedx
Hi imdoing this, please dont give up you have a very good rapport going with Kiera & hazel eyes. Kiera is right thats what classic abusers do, they want you to feel useless, worthless & if you are being stalked on here shame on them!!! Not you, you have an amazing talent with your poetry & are a great person & mum in a shit situation. These people want us to feel stupid, undermine us in anyway they can to gain the upper hand. YOU ARE WORTH BETTER!!
Hi Kiera as I said last night you have came on sooo well & are one brave chick. I admire you for working through terrible circumstances, have read your thread. I know that you have court soon & hope that you keep calm & focused just like you are now.