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Hello I'm doing this
Yes the idea of a refuge feels pretty safe for you now. Think you are still reeking from the shock of all that has happened. Some time ago I was sexually abused in a relationship and it was only when I started working in this type of work that I realised it HAD been abuse and that was such a shock, I was in denial and then I felt so stupid not to have realised earlier, and I was so ashamed, so very ashamed. I don't know if any of this rings a bell with you?
Glad you liked the poems, yes they were very different weren't they, although with the common theme.
I agree you must keep a record of threats and report them
Is it the Freedom Programme this morning?
Yeah we had a good night thanks. must admit i didnt sleep much. Was working into the small hours but my head still kept turning. Got a lot to achieve today but have dropped her off at school and will pick her up later. Everything that has happened is causing me a lot of problems work wise ie getting her to school and back again, so got to work out the logistics but I have to focus on the positives and the main one is that for the time being she is living with me. Why is life rarely simple?? lol
Better crack on this end and hopefully chat later. Have a good day you all 
I wish I had answers
I don't know anything anymore
STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF
Hiya IDT - I am writing this to remind myself as well as to hopefully help you. I read it this morning.
'It is a spiritural axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.'
This is explained further by this passage:
I was sitting in my bedroom when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbours frown on this, so with mixed feelings of anger and shame I immediately called in my dogs.Several weeks later the same happened but this time I was feeling more at peace with myself. I was able to accept the situation - dogs will bark - and I calmly called the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts in two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person's spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside, not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.
I am not a bible basher, god botherer or anything like that but when I am disturbed I do pray for peace in my head. The more I do it, the more it comes and more importantly the results I would like come my way. Sometimes that is just peace of mind.
i am troubled by what is going on with my ex and her husband. I am very worried about what he is capable of as knives and armed weapons have been mentioned in the police reports. I guess I am not that well connected spiritually, so I will work on that today and I hope it will be lifted. I do pray to a 'god' of my understanding for peace of mind and the ability to cope with the situation in the right way. If that means me going to the Police for possible protection then I will approach them. I think my case is stronger now as the authorities seem to be listening to what I am saying. Hope this helps you.
Take care
hi imdonigthis you are you to day i like we chat if you hav time ?
Is there any way you can escape and get far away from him?? Can you make a fresh start so that he cant get to you and your children?
Hi Laume, thankyou I got a chance in the break at freedom programe today to talk to a worker, she wants to talk more with me x
Karim this is not a DATING site !! Please stop looking for a date on my thread but if feel you can add relivat conversation to the topic then please feel free to join in.
All Charlie I like that and can releate to it alot x
Hope your juggling your daughter and work ok!!
You'll be fine just getting used to it x
Freedom program was tought today, effects on children ;(
Hello IDT, yes what allcharlie wrote is really saying sometimes you can't change what happens externally, but you CAN change how you react.
That must have been tough on the Freedom Programme today, learning about effects on children BUT it really emphasises that you were right to make that break. Nice that you got chatting with one of the workers, hope she can give you some support 
hi im doin this how are u, ive dun freedom programme, its actually started again, so im doin it again, ive dun one to one thru wave on effects on children, im so glad i tuk steps i did , for my kids are so much happier, seriously and i am, x
.
Just got back from AA mtg had a friend my dghtr knows look after her for a couple of hours. We are slowly settling into a routine and she seems happy and content and I got favourable comments from her teacher when I went to pick her up. She is not so slowly eating me out of everything, which is funny. I just keep hearing her snaffling. Have a good nite everybody and I'm glad you got something from what I wrote Imdoingthis. BTW dont tell Karim this is not a dating site I thought I might have pulled earlier!!! lol
Stressed numb pressure Iv had enough I don't see any point to any of this because I'm not getting anywhere, sick of him sick of his sh*t he's dragging me through I want to be left alone all the stress I carnt Iv had enough I just don't know where to turn
Good morning IDT
I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low this morning. Has he been in touch with you again?
You think you are not getting anywhere...I understand that long dark tunnel, I know we are looking at it from a different viewpoint but I can see that you have got stronger and come along way since we first chatted. Do you remember that feeling you had at the very beginning, that FREEDOM you suddenly felt, that relief, the wandering round Tesco in the early hours, remember that feeling!
hi im doing this are u not to gud today, i no u get to point u av ad enuff, i felt exactly same, i felt panicky yest god nos why, i kept lukin at any car and imagin my ex init and tht he was gona jump out and run to me, on edge yestx
Yes I'm jumpy all the time at the slightest thing, doesn't matter how many things are put into place, alarms covers on my letterbox etc nothing makes you feel safe if I was on mars I wouldn't feel safe.
I want it all over that's all
Hello IDT...you will only be happy when you are free. You are at the moment apart but not yet free. You have to be your own person and take responsibility for your life. I am telling myself this too...!! As long as we keep looking to these abusers for what we need, we will be hurt...understand you will never get what you want from him...it doesn't even matter why. The main thing is to be away physically and emotionally.
I can tell from some of your posts that you are a strong person. Listen to yourself. You know what to do. Cut all ties. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him. I am doing the Freedom Programme. I think it is great. You deserve to be happy. Only you can make the pain stop....understand that this man is like a lion and you are the lamb. He will not help and protect you he will injure you and could kill you.
Look to yourself to provide the love and nurture you need. You have lots of help on this site. If you can, stop dwelling on the past hurt, avoid contact so you dont get hurt in the present....and smile my friend...for only then will you truly be free. Best wishes for today and always.
Hi IDT, I was just reading your posts and it sounded really good that you got to the Freedom Programme - although stressful doing Effects on Children, but you said that one of the workers would like to talk more with you. This sounded really positive, have you made an appointment with her? I hope that you find you can trust her and share what is going for you, you sounded pleased that she had taken notice.
So then what happened in the evening? You don't have to say on here if you don't want to, but it is worth considering yourself, where did the change happen? If you can pinpoint that, then next time you can be more prepared.
Great post Laume 
Hi IDT....and thanks Anna!
We learned about effects on children, at the Freedom Programme last week. I enjoyed it because I realised that our children will not be damaged by us getting away from the abuser. Quite the contrary, in fact. They will learn that they have choices. They will learn that their mother can and will most certainly protect herself and them. And by standing up for our human rights and theirs, we are actually changing society...WOW! That really is something.
Be proud of yourself IDT. And everyone on this site. YOU have not failed. HE has! And by getting away, you are giving yourself the chance for another shot at happiness. And the support from the FP and sites like this, will mean that we will recognise the abuser when we see him....and run in the opposite direction!!
Best wishes. The sky is grey where I am...but the sun is shining above it....Enjoy your day.
hi av learned bout effects dv as on children thru freedom programme, plus thru one to one thru wave as well,and also doin it at seperate parents information meetin wot i av to attend thru court order, cafcass man said my kids are emotionaly damaged thru emotional abuse thru my ex,i felt even worse my kids are alot happier not i av got rid of ex and i am to, so thts positive thingx
hi im doin this how are u today, wot u upto, my ex laft prsents for our little girl at his soliciters my soliciter rang me to see wot i wanted to do, she agreed with me wud b confusin for er, so i said he can take them bk, i got bit worked up, she is 2 fridayx
Just wanted to say a quick Hi to all of you. Life has been turned upside down this week and almost completed all my work. After this afternoon I will have done it all and got up to date - then time to go back on the road and earn some more money and do it all again. The latter is going to be difficult with getting dghtr to and from school when I could be hundreds of miles away!! Will work on how to resolve that issue.
Keira - what u put felt harsh to me regarding the presents. That said I understand your reasons and you have had to put up with all the issues from him so I dont fully know!! I guess for me it is a sore point as my ex did things like that but I dont believe I acted like your ex, so I felt really hurt - not at what u wrote, but what she did. Possible an old wound for me that needs healing.
Hope you all have a good day!! x
hi i understand wot ur ssyin but im not bein harsh, she as hardly seen er dad, if u read my threads ul see why, he asnt bothered with ourlittle girl sorry he can shove presents up his a***, sorri way ifeel, hes a horrible violent thug end of, my soliciter agreed with me tht it wud b confusin for er, i dont want him to see er, he doesnt deserve to see er, so im not bein harse sorri but sore subject for me to but u said u av dun nothin wrong whether tht true i dont no,, but shame if it is true tht u cant giv ur dawter presents, id love for ex to see my little girl god to giv me a break as i dont get a break but judge as ordered hes not allowed contact and im glad i understand tho wot ur sayin,
I fully understand what u r saying Kiera and will shut up!!! lol
It is a real shame but all of these messes are. Sometimes there is no 'right' way and no 'wrong' way - you just have to make a decision on what u feel is right and I respect u for that.
Sh***y weather down here today!! Off to have some lunch and then better crack on. Hope you have a good day!!!!
hi dont shut up lol not ryt tho when man as dun nadff all wrong and mum wont allow contact tht isnt ryt but my situation totally didd, er dad if not nice man ,thts truth all cum out in court u c, he ad secret life and new baby i new nothin bout and long violent criminal record i new nothin bout so not gudx but i understand wot ur sayin hun i do feel for ux
aw rainin hard ere today this is 1st day its ranied in few days lol,x
hi kiera how are you to day i hope you be okay i like we chat more if you have tim lol ?
Hello guys
First of all please take care with language, we say this site has a "PG" certificate like films, so we don't make the language too colourful. I have edited a couple of posts because of this.
One of the things this site is brilliant is letting us see different sides of the same question, all charlie speaks as a dad kept out of his daughter's life for too long and kiera as a woman with an abusive ex with a criminal past and a court instruction to have no contact for the sake of safety. So you are both right in your own ways
hi louise how are you to day waht u ap to ?
hi louise i no u hear all different sides on ere dont u, like charlie seems gud dad so not fair he wasnt allowed see his child, like u said my ex thug so i dont want er to see bim and court orsder hes not allowed see er, xx
I will just echo both your sentiments and keep my language less colourful. lol
Hi Imdoingthis - how are you today? I hope you haven't got too wet with this torrential rain?!
I got soaked just running to the car with the shopping! Surprisingly, there was rain IN my shopping bags when I got in, ha ha!
I hope all is well for you, thinking of you x
Hello Anna
I rang out my pushchair on my return from school to day x
Your previus post Anna I was pleased with WA worker offering to ring me she talked about me moving away, I was wondering x y z about how they might help, and my mood changing I know what does it it's not one thing, him , tiredness or drinking a larger or two to combat the tiredness!
I don't know how I am and I havnt posted because I don't know I feel lost, I have of course been reading everyone thankyou!
You write lovely posts Laume and I did connect with what you said, I read somewhere you are ment to mentally visualise like an umbilical cord or rope from yourself to your ex then detach it from him and reattach it to yourself.
I have had a productive day, and I have been told today that I'm sounding stronger, but I feel quiet today.
I have hudge amounts of practical things to overwhelming springs to mind , my 'to do ' list is verging on ridiculous.
I think me being quiet is me focusing and channelling my efforts, the pressure cookers on high and the steem is flowing freely x
Good morning IDT, it is fab to know that even when you don't post, you are reading the messages everyone leaves for you, you have a whole team of wellwishers here!
Sorry to hear you got soaked. We haven't had any rain here at all (feeling guilty now)
You have a load of practical things to do. Lists are good but is there anything you can cross off and think "not doing it"?
When will the WA worker be phoning, do you think?
Hi Louise ' not doing it!' I love it ha ha
Finds pencil behind her ear ....starts making a ' I'm not doing it list'
At the moment they are are much needed things and cleaning my windows went moths ago x
Had a great day at ticking off things today though
Iv talked to the WA worker and she gave me good advice, WA have also done two very informative letters ;)
I have been asked to log everything that he does too, that's not as bad as reporting him unless he's messing with keeping my kids then I will.
Here's hoping to a ... Ha hum ' quiet night ' if he comes here to collect the children.
How's everyone doing ! Kiera is the Malibu out tonight ? I will have a drink if my children go to contact x
Hello IDT...sort of like the idea of umbilical chord...though a bit yucky!!LOL. I guess some men are like big babies!
I am always writing lists and wondering why I cant seem to cross anything off....I have started to make the lists a bit shorter so I can cope....sometimes you just need to delegate. I felt a bit overwhelmed and asked a friend to help me out...it was great. I needed the company and got everything done much quicker.
It is really bright and sunny here, with blue sky and white clouds....a perfect Autumn day I would say....hope the sun is shining where you are. Baby steps!
i cant goo to facbook and in ofsaed detin not alot but we can loas mobail or emil i hope i goo out soon time im so bord here i tink to mach .
Hi Laume
Yes suns been out here lovely sky's too!
I had a while back a really bad week and I wanted to go back to him just to get his help ;( but my friends were amazing they wrote lists and beetween us we cleared it and got me on track again x
Have a good night x
Hiya Imdoingthis,
Sounds like you have had a really good night! The difference in you over the last few days is incredible. You have found the strength from somewhere and its brilliant to witness. Huge congratulations. I know life is sometimes difficult and you will have good times and bad ones, but to hear u over the last few days makes us all so very proud of you. Take care
Hi came home to stuff on my car again,
what did anyone tell their children about marks on them
Is there anything to say to them
Hello IDT
You think it was neighbours' children? what has happened to your car?
So glad to hear that you were able to reach out for a bit of help to your friends. I think it is one of the hardest things, to ask for help and to open up, but it is definitely worth it and things are looking more positive in that regard. You really made me smile when you considered having a "not to do" list like me!
Morning Louise
I have found things knifes gifts screwdrivers flowers etc on my car or door Step
Yesterday a large screwdriver,I'm sure it's him.
Ah right I see, yes it does seem unlikely it would be anyone else....and the massive contrast between a bunch of flowers and a potential weapon! Are you keeping a record of everything as we were dicussing? that should definitely go in the book.
Hi IDT, You do not want to go back to him for help! Go the nearest wall and hit your head against it hard...that is all the help you will get from him. He is causing you this misery. He will not help you!
Tell the police about the stuff he is leaving. They can take finger prints surely. Take photos. Get someone to stay in the house with you. Or go to a refuge. If you think he is harming the children...for gods sake, do whatever it takes to get them away...and yourself.
You are not away from his control yet. That is your first step. And you also need to come to terms that you are on your own...he is not and will not be there to help you.
Only when you can accept that will you move on. Remember, abusers do kill women...it happens all the time. Do not be a victim. Protect yourself and your kids.
My ex is in NZ...but coming back at XMas. He will not EMail me...and I keep EMailing him. I am just coming to the conclusion that I am going to have to stop trying. I am hoping womens aid will help me because I dont want him just turning up at XMas and expecting to stay at our house and take my son out...with no agreement.
I know what it is like...you want your ex to be reasonable...no it is not going to happen. Stop trying. Keep safe....best wishes and I hope you get more sunshine!
Hi Laume
That's the thing when he is reasonable and that's not often then my heart softens, I think he's changed I shouldnt of left bla bla bla ...
I'm starting to see the damage he does emotionally to the children it wasn't clear at all before but it is now
Just need to work on myself jeeze somedays I want to go out and start a fight cos I feel like I deserve it, or find another abusive man .. Nuts
I have to admit I miss the adrenalin of all that it's to calm now I don't like it ;(
Hi Imdoingthis. Hoping you have a good day today. You sounded much stronger in some of your posts recently, which is great for you As for the stuff that is being left on car, doorstep etc. Make notes of these also. What are you doing today?
I do agree.
hi im doing this do wish u wud get rid of him for gud, not easy i no, but please think of u kids u av tox
This comment has been moved here.
Hello IDT, it is good that you are seeing the effect on the children, horrible though that might be to face up to.
The missing the adrenalin, that is really really normal. Kiera will tell you that she experienced this (do you remember, kiera?) and it is a very hard phase, but IDT, you are so perceptive HIGH FIVE to you that you realise what is going on. I expect that the workers and other women at the Freedom Programme will identify with that too.
So how to cope with the lack of adrenalin? It might be a case of finding something else that gives you a buzz, whether that is your creative side (poetry?) or a new goal.
How has your Sunday been?
and curry was hot, regret avin it tho always do, vindaloo, hot curry, x