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IDT...It is so interesting what you said about "adrenalin"...I read somewhere that sometimes women go for abusive men because it is exciting...and they leave the nice guys alone because they are boring!LOL
My suggestion is...find a hobby! Seriously...find something to get excitement from that cant destroy you and your family. Otherwise, its like having a wild animal and poking it because you like the noise it makes!...one day it will kill you....is that the type of "rush" you want? That just might be the last bit of excitement you are going to get!....seriously...get a hobby! Best wishes.
Hi and thanks everyone!
Had a fab day with my children we went swimming then out for lunch then had a walk in the woods in the dark, collected lots of leaves and came home and made sticky pictures, Iv enjoyed it better than staying in with some cans of larger that's for sure, I love Sunday's now with them.
A hobby?? I was thinking what I could get the same buzz from and came up with.. knife throwing ...sky diving ... Catching deadly creature in the jungle ..or like catching crocodiles or feeding lions I don't think I'm going to get the buzz of him from my local sewing club :)
No but seriously I'm focused on going to work as end result as he's never allowed me to, and Iv planned steps to atchieve this.
I find men boring that are on a 'stable' level with their anger / emotions, I go for 'bad boy image' although I dated a lovely man I found him boring, he was a police man and a gentle giant.
I miss the rough the tough, the tiptoeing around tje surprise if he kicks off or if he don't and I manage to keep him happy, the sneaking into bed cos he's that drunk he's collapsed in bed and I darnt wake him, when youv lived like that and more since a teenager for 15 years it's very hard to adjust, you crave it
I question myself all the time and dig for answers I analyse everything that goes on in my head,I need to understand it.
Thanks sparklinglime !
I have writen some more poems I took your advice Anna and bought a book x
Iv got to find childcare for five children for court ;( it's in half term , great ...any ideas on where to start
Children's centre nursery
Holiday clubs???
Hey there Imdoingthis, great to see you feeling chipper! 
I am wondering if you know what triggered your recent positive mind frame? Do you know? Was it having the support form the WA worker, to show you that there are things you can do to move forward?
Laume made a great point earlier, she mentioned taking photos. This can be extremely useful in Court and also makes you feel 'in control', rather than standing looking at say, the screwdriver, thinking oh my god what now, you go and get your camera or phone, take a photo and think 'ahh more evidence, thank you X'
Also rather than taking up a sewing class, what about Zumba? Kick boxing? Boxercise? Running? Great to get your adrenalin pumping and then get the natural high afterwards too!
Currently your life is up down and all over the place, so therefore seeking a partner who brings similar to the relationship would suit right now. However I can bet my bottom dollar (because I have been there and said very similar things to yourself) that once your life becomes more balanced and you are more in control, making more of your own decisions, you will find that you will want a partner who is more stable too.
Imagine if you are a really messy person, your house is a tip. You meet a new partner and they are messy too. You don't notice when they throw their stuff on the floor and scuff dirty boots on the carpet, in fact in your mind you would think that it is much better than having someone who is always tidying up (who might make you feel that you are not good enough)!
Now imagine that you have saved up and bought a new carpet that you love. You are really pleased that you had achieved this and feel proud of yourself. You are not going to want somebody else - regardless of who they are and how much you love them, to come along and scuff dirty shoes on it or leave their stuff all over the place as this would be disrespectful to you and all the hard work and effort you had put in to get something lovely.
Do you get my drift?
hi im doing this how are u, well my friend cum and watched my 3 kids when i went court also in school holidays, av u gud friend who wud elp u out, xxwot date is courtx
Hi Anna I don't know what changed my mood I have no idea I know I'm standing up to him now though.
I love the carpet example its very good, when I look how I was (bad) at the start when I left and now I'm better, I also know how far is left to go for me,I realise to what a place he'd got me I didn't know how bad I was, the police woman ages ago said your gonna need so much help I didn't see why? I do now I couldn't put anything into words that he'd done, nothing flowed when I talked , I told them random things bits it was a jumble of mess, how did he get me like that.
Im spearing more 'normal' I think :) but it's the boxes inside I'm not opening yet.
Kiera how are Hun?? My courts oct 25 th Iv been sorting out childcare today stresssssssssss!!
My baby has to be cared for by someone who can cater for his needs, not every nursery has insurance to take him, and the one that does is draggin their feet in letting me know ! Bloody great.
Great your mates helping you Kiera, my mate will but we said if I can get childcare she wants to come with me , his side turn up in group bookings x
Results of my hair strand test came back as low reading, ;)
hi hun well i got private room booked in court so i didnt av see ex ,even tho ad face him in court was awful and after hearin wot i heard bout him, secret life etc, woman from sure start cum with me to court for support,opein this tym she can cum im due in court 21st nov, opeu get childcare sorted hunxx wot is it ur goin court frox
Anna I also know with my mood I might be on the floor this time next week, it's horrible.
Hi Imdoingthis i am so glad to hear that things have been looking up for you, i hope you manage to sort out the childcare for court.
It is difficult to see where we are at when were in it, you have come so far the low moments will get less as you go along, your right it is horrible, how about planning in advance for the next time you feel at a low point?
So something like "next time i feel like xyz i am going to do abc or i could do or go to def"
It sounds like you had a great day with the children yesterday, i bet they were worn out by the end of it!
Good luck with those lists 
Why is my life like this it's an upside down shitty mess spent morning in tears again soo fed up x
i hun u av message off another woman on different thread read it unless u av lol, aw is it cos court cumin up, i no when my court case cumin up in run up to it im gona b anxious and prob upset cos i no i av to see ex and i dont want to at all, ope ur ok hunxx
Hello IDT
You are up and down at the moment, I know you were "expecting" that to happen but it doesn't make it any easier...but one good thing I can say to you is it is not so long ago that you had NO good times, and now you are having them! Wowee! On dark days, just be kind to you, weep when you need to, let it all out and grieve for the things that have happened. And we are all here for you, and thinking of you and you can come on here and get support.
There will be days when you feel down. I used to "allow" myself to have a down day, and somehow things felt better the following day.
Loads of hugs
It's all messy it's a mess
I carnt explaine it
Today the woman's aid lady rang from MARAC she's been off I'll I thought she couldn't help me no more, i carnt hardly begin to tell her, there's been lighters on my bin things through my door oh for f sake I carnt keep it up I carnt do it I'm sick sick sick of it he's all around me he's ahhhhhhhhhh He's done sh*t I don't want him to come back here I don't want him here I'm not doing this what I'm saying is I want him away from me AWAY from me
Hi Imdoingthis, it is great to be able to see how far you have come and you will be surprised how time goes by, how far you can actually go! I never in a million years thought I would be doing this, writing to you, as a job and loving life, feeling in control and content with everything around me!
You are right to recognise that you may be 'on the floor' this time next week, but you will still be 'another week' away from him.
It sounds as though you had a bit of a melt down this morning, do you know what triggered it? The ex? Kids misbehaving? Hangover? Try and put your finger on it so that you begin to learn your own patterns. This is the beginning of learning who Imdoingthis actually is and what makes her tick.
I hope you are feeling better this evening, be kind to you
I should know what to do I dont
It's him
I need a hand to holdi know what I should do I know I carnt do that I need someone to hold my hand
hiya hun are u ok, wish u was, ive bin exactly where u are now hun, u can get thru this but u canmt why ex as rtht hold over u cos he stil as xx
Kiera whT do I do
I feel so stupid today Kiera, I 'was a goldfish' if you know what I mean, now I carnt believe I was so stupid AGAIN, feel stupid after everything I'm fighting for I had not eaten had drink after kids were in bed and it went straight to my head.
X
Hello IDT, I think your post and Anna's crossed last night. So, you feel you have been stupid last night, do you mean you had contact with him again? Whatever happened, happened....and now you start again. Did you ever have a look at kiera's thread and read it from the beginning and all the things that happened? I think it might help you, you can find it here
Hope that you feel a bit brighter this morning. You talked about wanting a hand to hold. We're not there in person but we are here online with you and everyone cares about you.
Morning IDT - hope you are having a better day again but understand if you are still down. I often joke about myself that I have the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimers. I have this ability to forget how badly my ex treated me and would lie about everything. Then when we speak I start believing her again and unsurprisingly I am let down when I find out some of what she said was a lie. There is a thing in AA where they define 'insanity' as repeating the same things/actions and expecting different results. It doesnt apply to everything like flipping a coin - that way - you will get different results ie heads or tails. But to keep putting faith in certain pple or repeating our actions knowing that it is self harming to an extent then that does not make sense. That said I am still capable of doing it. Therefore if I am able I try to steady myself before I do certain actions and do my best to thing before I act. I am still that animal that when confronted I still can go to default mode, but I am not doing it as much as I used to. Progress not perfection.
Try to have a good day!! 
hi im doing this sori the laptop playing up, sic of it, ive read ur posrt do u mean u was intimate with him i think thts wot u mean, yes read my posts cos ive bin there hun, quite few tyms, they hook u in, ive tuk my ex bk loads tyms after sayin i want nothin to do with him, since court and threat of avin my kdis tuk of me if i av anythin to do with ex tht i av ad no contact as not losein kids over him mayb thts wot u need hun a shock, court worried for u ,u av court next week and u are in contact with this man, not gud, but ive bin there, i was stupid loads tyms, hold they av over u, ope u are ok,. try start aagin, easier said i no hunxx
Hi Imdoingthis, I am sorry that you felt so alone, I am sure if we all saw each other we would have a massive group hug.
As Louise says, tomorrow is another day. Dont beat yourself up, you have spent many many years loving this man, you want things to be different and every now and again your faith in him returns.
You are not alone in returning again and again many women in abusive relationships do, I did too.
So, tonight once again be kind to yourself, have a nice cuppa tea and drink to the first day of the rest of your life (and give yourself a hug)!
HI IM DOIN THIS REALLY REALLY OPE U ARE OK, THINKIN OF U, wot av u bin upto, dont av drink tonyt, i ad 3 small bottles stella last nyt, xx
I'm not had some very bad news today
If anyone ever here any one say "why didn't she just leave" .... Ha this is why
hi hun wot is wrong can u tell me im on line tonytxx
hi hun how are u, u avnt replied ope u are ok xx
Hello IDT
I am sorry that you had some awful news. People who say "why didn't she leave?" really do have no idea.
Sending you a HUG today
This always raises a big discussion, the retort to this question is 'when would be the right time to leave??'
The cycle of abuse goes like this....
Physical or emotional violent outburst.....(survivor scared, panicked and in shock)
......Apologies/Denial....(abuser either apologises and uses an excuse for their actions or completely denies it happens - survivor, tries to understand and forgive)
...........hearts and flowers.......(the making up stage, abuser has been forgiven, survivor feels safe and relationship is back in the honeymoon period)...
..............walking on eggshells..............(survivor can feel the tension growing, tries to do everything to make it go away, never sure when or how it will erupt)........
.....physical or emotional violent outburst........and on and on and on.......
So at the point when the victim/survivor is feeling a little more in control again of their life, is the point when the abuser is promising the earth and more (holidays, new coats, money, compliments etc) and the victim/survivor wants to believe the person that she or he loves that they will have a better future.
We also know that 'leaving' is the most dangerous time for someone who is living with an abuser and actually the victim/survivor is the ONLY person who can say 'when' and 'how', as they are the ones who are experts in their 'partners' behaviour and know how to keep themselves and their family the safest. they have had years of practice.
Your last sentence is very true, you do know it
Things this week have took a big turn for the worse I did not need this and every one round me is in shock.
hi hun please spk to me, have u took him back, is tht what it isxx
please reply hun, am i rightxx
Hi Kiera no I ant done that or though I'd like to right now
I think I'm in a bit of shock
Im Likly to lose kids and I think I'm preg but I'm not sure.
aw hun no way wot hell av u done tht is so bad ,to lose kids ud av to do sumat drastic, ul av to get test dun so at least u no, no u dont like to u jsut think at this m oment u wud like to av him bk, god hun wish i was there with uxx
I wish u was too x I'm wary of what I write on here now and that's a shame but I carnt 'vent' any where anymore
We will all end up dead by time he's done with us
im paranoid now sumone as left message for me and its not ryt wot they av wrote, my heart is pounding, thinkin its sumat to do with ex, just wot the message said im stayin off ere now,
i feel like u now im wary wot i write on ere now after readin tht message sent to me on ere, paranoid he nos wot i am writin,
.
Hello both
IDT you need to look after yourself extra extra now. Take a test and find out what's what. And then you can make a decision about whether to go ahead. I do understand what you are saying, that pregnancy would be a "proof" to them that you were still associating with him and that is what they told you not to do. And I also understand that you don't want to talk all about it here. Big HUG.
Kiera it is pretty unlikely that your ex would post to you, more likely someone with their own agenda on things, try not to panic
Hi IDT
How are you this morning? are you able to get a test done today? at least then you will know what's what as Louise has said, it could just be a false alarm, you are under a lot of stress what with all that has been going on.
Lots of hugs ((((())))))
Hi Imdoingthis, thanks for sharing with us what is going on, blimey you must be well scared!
Ok, just as Louise and Sally said, first things first, before you say anything to anyone (ok, except close friends of course) DO NOT TELL EX if you haven't already. Go and get a test done.
Then you are in a position of control. You know where you stand and you can start weighing up your options.
Do not turn to alcohol this weekend, if you can help it, I can imagine it is the only thing that you want to do, however, if you are pregnant and you are going to keep it, then it is important that you give it the best chance in life.
Hi IDT - just wanted you to know thoughts are with you. Mr Shades is too!!
Hope everyone has a good weekend. Dghtr has gone for a sleepover again. Quiet night in for me!! Hurrah!!. Bit of work still to do and maybe an early night. Still arguing with myself about what to eat tonight. Want to indulge but also dont know what I want. Decisions!!
Got meeting with Social Services on Thursday so should be interesting
Thanks for all your replys x
When you think nothing could get worse it does, things are alot worse
I'm staying strong or trying to x
We all want to give you support, IDT. As Anna says it is YOU and YOU ALONE who can decide what to do. Try and get as much rest as you can.
Now I know why I was stupid for leaving.
Should of stayed and kept my kids in it
No hope in this world for any one leaving an abusive twunt
Hi Imdoingthis. Deep in your heart, you know you made the right decision in leaving this abusive man. You also know you've done it not only for you, but the children too. Did you manage to do a test yet? It could simply be, with the stress you've been under, it can affect your cycle.
Thousands of people have left abusive partners, so Imdoingthis, there is always hope. We only have to read other's stories on here, to know that there is a way, with the right help, the right support, and for those in such a relationship, to stand up and say, 'am not taking anymore' Of course, it's not easy, no one ever says that, but it can be done. Hope you're okay. x
Hello IDT and thinking of you. I know that your biggest fear all along was losing the children. But if the authorities have been telling you to have nothing to do with him, then I would have thought (logically) that you are at MORE risk of losing them if you go back to him. You are a good mum and I know it's hard to believe in yourself right now, but we believe in you
Your poetry is really good...