hello

Am scared to. I will phone but don't want to be accused of harassment.

Will call in a little while.

Great, now I have upset my mum.

I asked whether she would visit A tomorrow to see how she is and she said she was busy. I asked what with and she said she is doing "shopping and tidying-up" and not to make her feel bad. I said I wasn't "making her" feel bad and it was entirely her own choice what she chose to do and prioritise for and that was fine.

Sigh, now I really am the villain.

Bring on the psychologist. Have researched questions asked at assessment. Will be tricky as I didn't have an ideal childhood. Still, it's a long way off now. January, plenty of time to revise.

best get back to being evil i suppose.

Queen's hospital visit

I took mum to visit my daughter, with a view to seeing how she was without getting blocked by the hospital. I am banned from the hospital so I sat in the multi-storey car park.

Mum came back to the car after an hour and told me the news she had was bad. Then told me A has a tumor on her spine and that she will be going to Great Ormond Street hospital Friday when a bed becomes available.

Apparently L had granted me permission to go into the hospital and see A "as long as I didn't upset her". Considering I was in wracking sobs I declined, Mum went back in and I cried for another hour in the car until she returned. I was angry that I was at the beck & call of L and had spent two days fighting a barrier of alienated female predjudice unable to get any information. I sent L a text saying "you disgust me".

I drove mum home and was too angry and hurt to speak.

Hospital call

I drove home to my house and cried more. Then called the hospital and was told "A was fine" I said "are you sure"? Then she said "would you like to speak to mum"? I said yes. After a long delay she returned and said mum was "unavailable as she was eating her dinner". I said I found it unreasonable that mum should prefer to eat her dinner rather than inform the other parent of the condition of their daughter. Sister did then say she could get a doctor to call me back. I said "if A is fine why would I need to speak to a doctor?" She said she could not tell me anything over the phone.

The call finished and I was called back by the registrar. He was very straightforward, apart from refusing to give his name for 5 minutes. He said A has a tumor or tissue mass in her spine. I asked if it was in the spinal canal and he said yes. I asked if it was pressing on the spinal nerve and he said yes. I said that sounds like it is very difficult to get to and he said yes. I asked if it was operable and he said yes.

Ormond Street

It is likely that A will go to Ormand Street Neurological ward tomorrow and be rescanned by MRI. Then she will have a biopsy operation, possibly Monday. I asked if it would be keyhole endoscope, but he said no, it would be open surgery.

Somehow, I will need to arrange with Louise for us to cover two shifts with A. As L will not speak with me, I am going to try and arrange for her elder brother to arrange it between us. The solicitors are failing us.

I asked mine if she would make sure Ormond Street did not block me but she was evasive and has now disappeared until Tuesday.

I am calm now, but have been consumed with rage and anguish for 6 hours. You would not have known me.

I don't want to have to carry another of my children in a coffin down the aisle at the crematorium.

Counsellor

Went to counsellor, but felt so nauseous that I had to leave before I ruined his shaggy rug.

Wedding

Will miss my step-sister's wedding now. Her brother died in a car crash and I am very aware I have done little for her in her life. To my shame.

House

DWP have sent me a note that my mortgage payment is being reduced as the BofE base rate has dropped. Now it will not cover the mortgage. Just at the time A will be having her treatment or final op, I will start receiving final letters from Alliance and Leicester. F_ck em.

GF is coming up for the day tomorrow evening, she is such a sweetie. Won't tell her about the giant spider that's been darting around the living room and keeping me company tonight.

Off to have my zopiclone now. My last one. Collect my long lost brother from Heathrow tomorrow. He is going to the wedding.

Then the rest of the day is unknown. May end-up at Ormond Street. Not sure.

Cup of tea then bed. Yes I know I'll be up weeing at 4am. 

night night

ty

Have asked ex by text if I can say night night to A. No reply.

Have asked if there is another number to let Lk have his call as not spoken to him all week. No reply.

L's brother on practical arrangements. No reply.

Took from 1pm to 7pm to get info from ward that A was being transferred to Ormand Street. I wanted to see her this afternoon but it's 2 hours away and they wouldn't say if she was being transferred or not until 7.

Will go to Ormond Street tomorrow.

Have met my brother, not sure if I will see him again. If you think I am aspergers, my brother is deep into the spectrum. I got a handshake rather than a hug. Sigh.

GF and son (I think) are travelling up to help me. Have just arrived home and there is nowhere to sit for them. Place is wrecked. Not sure if I have any food for them.

My eye skin rash is returning, last seen after our baby died and was cremated. I cried and wiped my eyes so much the skin turned to paper.

I don't want to carry another of my children in a coffin down the aisle of the crematorium. I guess L would not let me now.

Visited A with GF and her son.

We did another picture, this time of Clangers and an undersea scene. I got more Gogos with little duplo type homes for them.

I picked up Clangers from HMV and the magic roundabout.

So far I have obediently come and gone as L has specified 2pm to 4pm.

Tomorrow is A's operation and I will be stepping into "L's World". I will be there at the consultant briefing, I will be there at travel to theatre and I will be there in recovery. That is my intent.

I have to get up at 5am and travel to be there 7.30-8.00. She is first op I think and it will take 4-5ish hours or "as long as it takes".

A hard day for all. L will hate me being there all day.

Thank you all so much.

Hug sy

Have sent text last night to my dad who abandoned me and went to Canada:

Tell dad or show him this:

What I need from him is to put me first for once. I don't need advice. I need him. To hold me when I need him and to stand with me.

I love him, always.