hello
Hi sadsy
What a shame she didn't turn up, I so understand that sick feeling, I am so sorry to hear that you are really going through the mill at the moment.
I think it is brilliant that you have contacted all the people you needed to. Its so important to keep people informed and to have agencies supporting you.
You are expecting her this evening to drop the children off, perhaps you can have a simple plan ready about when you want to see the children and how you plan to arrange this? I know it can't be easy, but you need to feel like you have some control over all of this.
When you see the kids it is fine to say that 'Daddy is sad that they are not living with him anymore' but you need to seem in control when talking to them. I am concerned that when you say to a small child 'daddy was worried sick' then they fear that they are doing something wrong. Please remember, from what I can gather, the children will be safe. It will be hard for them and for you, but they need to know that you are ok, sad, disappointed, but generally OK.
I'm sorry.
You're doing really well.
Always be positive with the children, and not to run their mother or this chappy down in front of them - you can do that on here. It's good she's answering the phone, and the you've spoken to the children.
What sort of travelling time is now from you to Romford? Hopefully the children will be with you later until Sunday and you do have a good weekend with them.
Keep being positive now at ways to move this forward, so the children's needs come first and in away that you can cope.
I'm not surprised you're feeling as you do.
Loads of hugs Sy.
Hello sy
Glad you got some time with Luke and hopefully Arwen too, today. It all sounds very mysterious what is happening with Louise BUT I would urge you not to torture yourself with wondering too much about things, just get on with your own agenda and time with the kids. You are bound to have physical symptoms when you feel anxious or low, that is normal so don't worry about those symptoms, just get through the day as well as you can, ok?
Take care
Hi
Glad Luke is with you. Glad you've got your car too.
I think it's a wise move taking the laptop with you. Would you be able to leave paperwork at your mum's place?
Please try not to question Luke about what's going on. Enjoy your time together. I'm sure he will tell you things, and you need to be positive about it - make a note, yes, but don't push for further information.
As horrid as it is, you will never get the answers to the questions you have about Louise. The world is a very small place with the internet. Five years down the line, and I accept I'll never have answers. I'll never know either how The Git started to communicate with the Texan. Strangely enough I could cope with the real life ones!
I'm sorry Arwen didn't stay. She mus be so bewildered. They both must be. You need to be strong for them.
I hope you got to the bbq and managed to get some 'time out' from this. Sometimes focusing on work can help. I used to find being absorbed in work meant there was no room for anything else.
Keep strong. Don't worry about Louise. Don't question her. The children need to be your focus with a regular routine being established.
Take care
Hi sadsy
I think 'our' Louise here is absolutely right. You don't know what your ex is up to, so don't do your own head in wondering about it. I know it is hard, but while you have the children, your business is you and the children.
I also want to re-iterate what sparklinglime says
Please try not to question Luke about what's going on. Enjoy your time together. I'm sure he will tell you things, and you need to be positive about it - make a note, yes, but don't push for further information.
Its not fair on your son, you don't want him to feel like he has to take sides, or to feel like he's 'snitching'. He will want to be loyal to his mum, just as when he is with her, he is probably very loyal to you. As sparklinlime said, if you take the pressure off and show him that you are in control, then he will talk more freely about things and maybe even give you more information than if you question him. I found that with my daughter.
How is Fathers Day going for you?
With the car, you need it for work. Work is important as you need to support your children. She will need to deal with that.
As for CSA, it will be based on 20% of your income. You don't have to go down the CSA route as you could come to a voluntary agreement. The rate though is a good starting point. Just incase:
I'm glad you got the mixer. I recently had to replace the hand mixer I had after my mum. That is something I did take. I went to a furnished let, so left so much with him. You can make pancakes for them next time using it.
I might be an idea though, Sy to make a list of things in the house. It will be something positive to be doing.
Are work aware of what is going on? Would they be understanding to this, as being at work and with people could be a good thing for you.
Then I'm nagging:
If the children aren't happy about something, they need to be feeling comfortable enough to do so. It does mean no more direct questions for Luke (heck, asking questions is natural after all) - honestly, its amazing what they will tell you anyway. It's only been days, Arwen won't be missing you yet.
You'll have to accept there there will be a vacuum now. The chances are it won't be filled, and sadly, there's very little you can do. This is where I've learnt to accept things - makes me feel better, but has taken years!
I can well believe that you broke you heart when they left. I send loads of hugs your way.
From what you have found out about this chap, he's working. The children are safe and you know their mother will make sure that they are cared for.
I use the words safe and secure - not as my children away from their father, but as they are safe and secure in home. No one is implying anything with that phrase.
Are you keeping a diaryl? Record the times you've tried to phone, what has been discussed and when you have contact with the children. Start to work on a regular contact plan that will work for you around your job. Also work out maintenance for the children. It can be sorted without CSA who will take ages. Maintenance will possibly help to calm things too. They're considered seperate issues.
Hi sadsy
I also wanted to add to have a look at http://www.cmoptions.org it provides impartial information and support to help both parents make an informed choice about the child maintenance arrangements best suited to your particular circumstances. I think it is supposed to be an 'easier to use' option to the csa website.
Another great idea from sparklinglime - make an inventory of all the possessions in the house that are yours/hers/joint.
If you tell your doctor how you are feeling and what work have said about you having another week off, then I hope you will get that extra time, but I do agree with sparklinglime, after all this it will be good for you to be around other adults.
Every day is the beginning of the rest of your life, try and broach it this way, as days go by thoughts and feelings shift.
I hope you got a good nights sleep last night and feeling a bit different today after seeing the children over the weekend?
Hi sadsy
It is very hard to see from here if you are controlling (in a bad way!) We all try and control our lives and situations to how we need them to be comfortable, but only you know if that control was taken to an extreme. I think that any future relationships we have we always try to change a little, so if you think Louise was right, you could feel around for a different approach.
I found a site I thought might have some more answers for you http://www.separateddads.co.uk, please come back and let us know if it was useful, we don't want you disappearing off now!
Great news that you have another two weeks to 'recover' I imagine that takes a weight off your mind.
As for missing Arwen, its very understandable, she is old enough to be away from her mum for an afternoon, but all in her own time. She will see her brother going off and want to join in. At the moment she is probably feeling a little confused and so may be choosing to ignore it all.
Time enough for you to look at your behaviour tendencies when this has all settled down. That is one thing a counsellor can help you with if that is what you decide. For now, there are many practicalities to be sorted, and you need your energies to do that ;) No-one here is seeing you as saint or sinner.
I am glad you have seen the doc again and got some increase in your medication. it is true that anti ds can sometimes partly "numb" your feelings but I think you would welcome this at the moment? One day at a time, sy.
I agree with Anna that Arwen may be feeling unsettled and confused but that this may well change. I am glad you have the support of your brother, especially as your Mum has her own troubles
Take it steady
Could just be blocking it out, she might not want to face up to the full enormity of what she's doing.
Hope you get some sleep
Louise, you said "No-one here is seeing you as saint or sinner". That's such a good way to put it.
Sy, your children will recognise your voice, and they won't forget you, believe me they won't.
Alternative view point here, and it is just the way I see it... If Louise has the car, you can share the travelling with the children. Her having the car will mean that the children will be in a car that you know is safe. In a way you're taking away transport from the children. Don't get me wrong, I understand your anger, completely. But this is getting at Luke and Arwen too.
Now I know I moan because I lost everything - ex had £49k of debt (sorry if you already know). He still had his car though, and I did get an older smaller one (Zafira instead of a Grand Voyager which I had to sell). I could have taken his car, but I wouldn't have seen him without a car though as he needed it for work. He needed it too when the children were with him. However angry I am at him (and I am as he hid the debt. If I'd have known, we could have faced it together), I still know he has to live. I'll never forgive him and I'll always be bitter - because he hasn't been fair at any point when it comes to the children. I left more or less everything with him when I left. Sorry, moidering about me again...
It sounds like you're doing really well. The trip to Tesco sounds good - and lovely weather at the mo to do this.
I'm so sorry about your step-dad. How hard on your mum and all of you to be dealing with this. I really hope he's comfortable and knows he's loved.
If you can, try to get a list together of how you want to see contact - including being able to phone your children each night to say goodnight. Children don't always like the phone though.
Does Louise work at weekends? Then you say to her that you'll have the children when she's working at weekends. This, in theory, will help her. What you can decide between you will save money with solicitors. I know you're devastated. Sorting out the many practicalities though can help.
At the moment, all will be a novelty, fun, exciting, bewildering and confusing for the children. All of this will take time to settle - and the novelty will wear off.
With the washing machine. I'm sure you know about the colours and the whites being seperate. I wash stuff at 40 degrees - it's usually ok!
Take care
Hi sadsy
You are taking steps at the moment and thats all you can do, so give yourself a pat on the back for not curling up into a ball and falling into complete denial, you are in a huge life change and as long as you keep moving forward, then you are not doing badly.
Sorry to hear that you haven't been able to speak to your children, it must be hard to not be able to get your voice heard by your ex or her new partner. As sparklinglime said, she is probably in denial of the full extent of what she is doing.
It is worth writing up a proposal for access to the children, just so you know what you want and what you can cater for.
Good Luck with the counsellor, I imagine your nerves are on edge because you are going to do more soul searching and that often is scary. When you start counselling you are often asked what you want to achieve by attending sessions, I always think this is a really difficult question, because if you knew, you wouldn't be there!
RE washing machine, mine bangs around a lot, but it still manages to clean the clothes, maybe it is just old??!
I think it is lovely that you have connected with your step father, it is a positive sign and I bet it makes your mum happy.
Take care of yourself today :)
The card sounds so lovely.
I was going to delete a I felt I'd been mean, but only now have been able to get on here.
Flaming washing machines!
Is it ok me putting forward ideas? I don't want to offend you at all.
Loads of hugs your way.
sparklinglime,
i love you putting forward ideas, i am always very honoured you spend time thinking about my situation and i definitely not offended. I need to be questioned about my motives etc.
At the moment, I not thinking too clearly, so sorry if you feel frustrated If i not recognise a suggestion. Please keep the suggestions coming and the message will get through to me in the end.
Please keep posting, as I look forward to your thoughts each evening.
I gingerly found and ventured into court house today to get form C1. Which was going to be parental responsibility. However I think I was going to do contact order too and I think that may be different form. There's a booklet too. Costs £175 to submit an order. I get sleepy at this time of day. yaaawn. Wonder if sleeping tablets doing it.
I had bad moment today, I missed Luke's adhd assessment (needed for extra support in secondary school), i told louise i wanted to go last week and she was silent - she didn't want me to go. So it was today and i didn't know where it was. I feel very stupid and bad parent. Louise has all correspondence.
May try citizens advice tomorrow re form filling.
big huuuug for you sparklinglime.
Hope the sun shining specially for you.
I'm not frustrated. I just felt I was hard, and if my leg hadn't have locked I'd have come back down stairs last night to change it! If I'm not offending I'm relieved.
Let the primary school know that you weren't aware of the time of the appointment with Luke and ask for the information. I think it matters when they're moving up to high school.
DIY - library book. This is from someone who can't master a drill - even though I have quite a nice one!! You might find it quite therepeutic - or not...
Things didn't go through the Courts with me. I think it is worth telling Louise that if she won't communicate with you then Court will be the only option open to you. Maybe say that you would prefer to sort it amicably if you can, as I believe that it is so much kinder on the children. That's where your proposal will come in as a starting point.
With maintenance too, that will need to be addressed, it would be 20% of your income via the CSA (I'm sure I'm repeating myself here!).
When you check your bank, please don't leave things that might need to be sorted. Things can build up when there could be a way of controlling it. Don't forget about CAB. They can be brilliant when it comes to helping with budgets.
I hope you manage a snooze. Tractors are cutting the grass behind me, so no hope here!
Take care
Hello sy those steps sound very practical and positive! ;)
Sparkling, your views are always welcome and you have a lot of value and insight to contribute, for which we are very grateful
The GP seems to think I have an inflamed ligament (not my hip, he doesn't think- not do I). It hurts when it locks and I'm having panic attacks. The panic attacks I find worrying, as I thought I'd left all that behind me.
I think dismantling the bed is a good move.
Are you selling it or putting it onto freecycle? Having said that, I burnt a few things 8-) Felt so much better. Not furniture though, I left that as I rented a furnished place!
Hi sadsy, baby steps, you are doing what you need, keep looking after yourself
Don't think you are dumb because you didn't know where your son's assessment was, you tried to find out and were left with a blank.
Remind yourself that the school is law bound to tell you what is going on with your son, if I am not mistaken. I know that legally you do not automatically have parental responsibility, but you are the father and you are on his birth certificate, so don't let them bully you. If they seem cagey, then just remind them assertively that it is your right as his father to know what is going on.
Sorry it just makes me so cross. Well done for starting the bed. You mentioned the childrens rooms, perhaps you could give them a tidy/clearing so that when they come and stay for the time being it will be fresh for them, you could also collect a box of their things and give it to Louise, to show her that the children need their special things and you bear no grudge to that. Is that an idea?
Just do what you can do....no more. Hope your sleep is reasonable tonight :)
Hello sparklinglime,
ligaments need resting i think?
Do you have it strapped for support?
Are you panicky because you feel immobile at times?
Ibuprofen is good for inflamation and is mild. has doctor given you expectations of how and how long to get better?
Louise and i knocked out an airing cupboard wall in our small bedroom and there are broken brick ends to fill and then sand and then, well, paper i guess. I'll never finish it. bed removal was first step. everything has a first step. House has to be sold to end us. So many broken dreams everywhere i look. Don't want to frighten estate agent with state of the house.
Completely unawares, i put bed parts/mattress in childrens room. Utter desolation, toys and toys and pulled back covers, but no children. Sorry i got upset and had to come downstairs and slump in front of computer.
didn't see that one coming.
i thought i was ok today, but seem wobbly again.
hope your leg better sparklinglime.
huuug
sy
Thank you.
I'm stuffing myself with anything that mentions 'painkiller' including the gel stuff (not all at the same time :D ), but nothing seems to stop it happening. It's not strapped up - it's the top of my leg, so rather impossible.
Doctor wants me to have an xray now, which I'm also anxious about - as me leg is bound to lock, then I have the worry about getting back to the car. I have a walking stick in the boot, but it doens't really help much, unfortunately. No time scale. Its my own fault for being so heavy. It can be blamed for anything.
I think even if there had been a choice and I could have kept the house, I don't think I would have. Its bricks and mortar - again something thats easy for me to say. I think leaving it was starting a new chapter, if the children and I had stayed, it would have merely have been turning a page. You need that new chapter as this is a new part of you live - however much of a nightmare it is right now. Clearing his debts would have maybe been easier if he hadn't have been in debt again within 12 months, having the children fret over him.
You never forget Sy, just it might help with moving on.
Good on you starting with the bed. First bit is the hardest. As Anna says, keep the children's bedrooms nice for them as that bit will be stability for them there.
I hope you rest comfortably.
I can drive - I'd be lost if I couldn't! Thank goodness.
I'm hoping the cholestral test is ok.
Hi sparklinglime,
not had a needle in me since i was a child. But it was fine and I watched it go in and blood come out with no odd feelings. Results will be more than just cholesterol, back on Monday.
Now then.
Have you arranged your x-ray yet?
You can't expect me not to care about you when you have given so much help to me.
Please get some help with your pain - the x-ray will help give more information. Let the operators know your concern about locking up and positions. They will help you.
My mum is going for grief counselling today at my suggestion, with someone at the hospice (stepfather is at home at the moment, but hospice are visiting for care and cover while she out). I hope she get a good person.
Today, I think about plastering bit of wall in bedroom. Will be a disaster I think. i never done it before. I may phone plasterer for advice. Bit cheeky I know.
I hope i don't just sit here for hours - i will be cross with myself if i do.
huugs
sy
I need to wait for the hospital to contact me for the X-ray - the surgery faxed the request through on Monday. They'll write the receptionist said rather than phone like the GP said!
They're not too worried, as being large, its assumed to be self inflicted :D
I really appreciate you asking, thank you.
With the plastering, you could sand it down if its a bit rough. I hate sanding mind!!
I watch all these DIY-SOS programmes, so really I should be very able when it comes to DIY.
Nice day to be doing some work the house Sy. You can have the windows open and the radio on - I find music always seems to get me bopping, however low I feel. I hope you're doing ok.
I'm sure your mum will have good support from the hospice, if they're as good as this area. I hope the counselling helps her. Such a sad time.
Don't feel guilty for putting on music. It helps me get through the day. Kellers Mr Brightside quite possibly saved me some days. (try it, I dare you...) I also like their song Human.
The children bought me Take That CD for Mothers Day (they acutally walked to town to get it, the two older ones without prompting! - a first...) and we all sing along to that one - in the car too!
I'm sure the plastering will look a lot better than the bricks. Personally I think you should go for the rustic look 8-) That's meant to be a bit rough and uneven, isn't it?
Good luck with the plastering.
I'm sure when your mum feels ready, she'll accept the counselling. It's good to know it's there.
yeah... but he patching up will give it the rustic look!
Enjoy the music. Don't feel guilty if it's something you enjoy, as if you find it can help you through the morning, then why not... (if you hate it then don't... 8-) )
It's good you're going to see your mum. Family are so precious. Hugs for you and for her too. I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how hard it is.
(In a way I was lucky as my parents died very suddenly and unexpectedly (5 years apart) )
Good luck with mrs johnstone. She does need to be aware that you are a parent who loves and cares deeply about your childen and that includes their education, and it is very important to you to be kept up to date with everything to do with their education blah de blah - but then you know that, don't you... Sorry.
Me being bolshie now...
I'm sure Luke will be looking forward to the weekend. With Arwen, if Louise says no, then suggest that she does come, even if its only for tea. If Louise is working, then Arwen needs to be with you anyway. At four and a half, she is old enough to be away from her mum. My youngest had just turned 5, and he went for every other weekends without any problem (terrible for me, but I still made sure they went - I always took them there, which was a lot easier on the children than their father coming to collect them. He always brought them back). Arwen will have you and Luke and will be familiar with what up to a few days ago was their full-time home.
The longer it's left,the harder it will be to start it up. Be calm with Louise about this. Write is down if need be (I always wrote things down as I'd cry otherwise - no idea why!). Be calm and nice - but positive about needing to establish a regular routine for contact.
If Arwen gets inconsolable, well, their needs to be some coping strategies in place. It could be something like two sleeps with daddy and then after tea on Sunday we'll take you back to mummy. My lot always wanted to know how many sleeps - even it it was 10 sleeps - they seemed happy with that. There was a phase when my son with special needs would do no more than three sleeps - which was ok as by then ex didn't actually seem to want them that long... ( :roll: )
Thinking of you all, and hope your step-dad is comfortable.
Are the bedrooms ready for them? Maybe some drawing books and new packet of crayons each - incase it rains.
Hi sadsy
I wish you good luck as well with Mrs Johnstone, let us know won't you?
If you are allowed Arwen and she does become inconsolable for her mum, it is heart wrenching, but it is also ok. You are her dad, you can comfort here and if there is no consoling her, she will cry herself out, fall asleep then wake up and be fine.
You have to feel in control of this. It is normal for her to miss her mum, but there is no reason for her not to be with you and if you can feel that, when she is with you, subconsciously she will know that. If you flap (although I am sure as a man you don't 'flap', but whatever the man version is!) then she will see that too and feel insecure.
Good luck with sorting their rooms out! Get the baking stuff, little girls love to bake (and boys too)! Have you seen the recipe for trifle from me and the boy in the Food glorious Food topic, that would be fun to make!
Hi sadsy
I imagine that must have felt a bit of an insult with the Police turning up to escort Louise, maybe she was uncertain of your reaction. Poor you. :|
I am so glad you can support your mum through this, she will appreciate your strength. It will be good for you to take your mind off your stuff for a bit too, perhaps.
Glad the teacher was cool.
There is an awful lot going on for you at the moment, please remember to take a little bit of time out for you, whether it is another cycle ride, a lovely bath with good book or surfing the net for anything other than what you are dealing with.
Thinking of you sadsy.
Hi sadsy
I know it seems late, but it is lovely that you are holding your stepfathers hand. My mum works with cancer patients who are dying and she sees them through to the end, she says that the hearing is the last thing to go, so do keep talking to him. She has also said (of her own death) that she would like music playing, whether she is at home or in the hospital, as it will give her something to focus/concentrate on rather than us traumatic relatives or the bleeping of a hospital machine.
I always thought that is a really nice idea, to have the music playing, is there any music that he particularly likes?
Sometime it seems extra-sickening when the sun is shining on what is a black day for ourselves.....Chin up, deep breathing and face it (you CAN face it, you know)