hello
I have to say I've just had some cornflakes.
You've had a buys day sy.
I've been out most of the day, between doing a bit of work, chatting, tea with the in-laws, being late for the Beavers' investing (whoops - it's 5.30 - 6.30pm, not 6 - 7pm...) and then my neighbour called in for a chat.
Sy
Well I think that text sounds fine and VERY calm and adult. Over to her!
What a weird dream. It seemed that the woman was going to be Louise to start with but then ended up as symbolic of your healing to come? Not that I am a dream expert :shock: I dreamed last night that I had been in an enemy prisoner of war camp and my ex husband met me (split up from him 11 years ago!) to apologise for having been such a terrible husband. He brought me a cagoule as it was raining but when I did it up it was tight round the middle and I thought "Huh, I can't even lose weight in a POW camp" So you are not alone with the strange dreams :roll:
NB my picture was in dark and muted colours of a oriental duo playing sax and trumpet
Hi
Just catching up - I meant busy day yesterday that you had... I'm sorry about getting the letters mixed up as to me it makes me sound like I was being rude. I honestly meant busy...
Cheerios - very nice - well the children like them, I don't! I did have an omlette yesterday, and it was really nice. I've not had a chance to make one for a few days.
That is a good text to Louise.
Maybe you could put a pink teddy to sit in the chair to look after it for Arwen.
How far is this place that they're moving to? Not too far away, I hope.
The difficult thing here is second guessing what she is saying to people. A number of people I considered to be friends never contacted me again. Ex is very good with lies - to the extent that he believes that the lies are how things are. He wouldn't know the truth if he fell over it. Again, my thoughts - he could well be the one who's right.
I hope CAB are able to help you, especially with ensuring that information regarding the children does get to you both. You are both the parents. Perhaps putting a request in writing as well as by phone will back things up.
I sometimes feel that people don't comment as they don't really know what to say, and don't want to compromise their position... Just a thought, again.
Do phone Scottish Power. It's good to sort things out before they build up too much.
My 13 year old has autistic tendancies. He has his moments (which really are "moments") but is a sweety-pie otherwise. He doesn't tend to express himself with things too well though, and will clam-up rather than let me know if there's a problem.
Hope your mum is coping ok.
A day off from stress and calls???!!!! 8-) I'm still waiting for one of those :D
Whatever it was you watched or read last night, try it again tonight - you might have the same dream.
I just think it would be good to offer to fit in with them, but.....to me, the main thing is that they don't say "well Arwen went to sleep on the way here" so I would definitely try to pick her up from them so they can't use that excuse.
As for professionals like that doc, obviously she can't comment when you make a criticism of Louise, any more than I imagine she is able to respond if Louise were to crticise you to her. But you DO have a right to info about your child, although you might need to smooth the way by offering a batch of SAEs. CAn you get mail re the kids sent to your Mum's for a while so Louise won't intercept it?
re the mortgage and indeed Scottish Power, it would be hlepful to let them now what is going on as soon as possible, but I understand that maybe you want to have the weekend visit and then get the funeral "done" before the next bit?
I do agree with Louise, taking that option out the way of using the excuse of Arwen sleeping.
I feel its so important to have this weekend with both the children with you.
There's only two weeks of school left them (there is here, anyway). That is a long journey to be doing the school run.
I'm glad you enjoyed the omlette. My 13 year old likes ham. I get that primula cheese with ham in for him and put it in the omlette when it's cooked, then fold the omlette over it to melt.
Things aren't going to be so easy, clearly, with Arwen. It's very important you remain calm when you discuss things. Make sure there is absolutely no come back with the communication. You are right stating that as a father you are more than able to care for her. As you say, with the children there, you do need to remain calm. Poor mites, they must be so confused.
Write a record of everything - again, facts not emotion if you can. I appreciate it's very hard. I look back over the last couple of years worth of records I have with contact and the ex, and it's gone from ranting along with what ever happened, down to more or less shorthand.
The anger will take a long time to come to terms with.
I really do think you need some proper legal advice on how to proceed. Keep trying that helpline number - I guess it can't be manned all the time.
The hard thing is you have Alan's funeral to deal with too, as well as your mum and of course your grief too.
There's nothing small in what you're having to deal with.
Morning Sy
Sorry you are feeling so low this morning. You had a lot to deal with yesterday, with the new experiments (omelette and plastering) and then this awful blow in the evening.
Glad you have sorted out what has to happen re the contact order. I can hear your frustration at the time it will take, that's one of the worst things about these procedures :(
The anger: firstly (sorry if I sound like preachy textbook) it is one of the normal stages to go through in this process, it deos actually mean you are moving forward.....and anger can create a lot of energy. As sparkling says, try not to show it in front of the children and keep a log of everything. As to why Louise is angry with you, well it stops her feeling guilty about what she has done if she can blame you and be angry with you.
Try to get up and dressed and have soem fresh air and think about seeing Luke, at least.
I have to be out at a meeting now but will check in later. Take it steady.
Hi
Anger. Anger and stress is what left me disabled. My whole body locked up - homelessness was what caused this, not the separation. Issued didn't help with the ex once we were housed though - until that point things had been reasonable between us.
You do need to accept that you will be angry. Heck! You have every reason to be! So don't be afraid of the anger, just try and deal with it - and yes, you have to surpress it most of the time. Screaming into pillows when you're alone is a tremendous release.
The solicitor's letter - good. A starting point and something to work from.
I do think that it needs to be pointed out that Arwen is very comfortable in your care and was delighted to see you on Sunday. You expect time alone with both of your children and that being "supervised" was not beneficial to anyone.
Regular contact is important to both of your children, not 'just' to Luke. (I appreciate that with autism though, however mild, it is helpful having a regular pattern in place)
Travel, you could say, (these are only ideas...) you will collect the children and as you are aware her partner (so, so sorry using that phrase, I know it will hurt, sorry) has a car to collect the children. As she is the parent who has moved the children away without any discussion, knowledge or agreement in place, it is only fair. (you collecting the children, while I know it is a case of "why should you" but it lessens excuses)
A start.
I'm doing some work, so will write more when I get home - in between sorting scouts!
yes sparkling I will be nagging you too ;)
Hi Sy
Good letter! I like the way you are putting it that it is in the best interests of the childrento have that regularity, rather than "it is my right as a father "(in law it is the rights of the children). I totally agree that a short time in the park once a fortnight is woefully inadequate for Arwen.
Of course there are no hard and fast rules about contact but courts tend to say "alternate weekends plus one midweek contact time per week", as a VERY general guide.
I think it is worth mentioning the mediation in the letter to the solicitor.
back to me.... sorry. A long one! Again. I just can't help it.
When the Landlord told me he was selling up I was devastated.
Now I went to a castle on top of a big hill in cheshire - you can see Jodrell Bank from the top. I had a race up there (didn't win) and we pretty well raced back down.
That night both my legs felt like lead weights. By the Monday, I could hardly move at all - not even my fingers. GP decided it was how my body reacted to the adrenilin released by the stress. Got the house (5 months later) and thought magically it would go away. Walking to the house from the car was awful. There are a few steps, and getting down those was horrendous. Once I was downstairs in the morning, I wouldn't go up again til the night (such a challenge) I just couldn't face it (thank goodness for my little downstairs loo! :D )
Ex started to get really, really nasty and in the January was yelling at me in the car park. I could feel my joints locking up as I listened to him (didn't reply as the children were in the car in tears). Awful getting down to the house - which is when I realised that possibly it was the adrenilin...
After 10 months of this GP finally agreed that I could go for physio (after all the blood tests which showed that I didn't sit down eating mars bars all day).
And it did help. It got me moving. Walking again was brilliant - just I'd lost my confidence to go far (used to walk for miles), so really I think I do need some extra help - although when I've suggested a psychiatrist, the GP seems to react like I've said the funniest joke ever.
I've done well today - to think last Friday I couldn't move a my knee as well as my leg was painful (knee swelled!). Done Asda food shopping for the Scout Camp (that took AGES!!!!), then walking down to the house where I do bits of work for an hour (ten minutes to type a letter, 50 minutes talking :lol: Can you imagine me not talking?? You can see how much I type!) - they have a steep driveway. And I got back to the car, then carried my bits of shopping into the house... All without the crutches!
So. I think my knee's better!
I really do think though, at times, that had the GP really, really taken the time out to actually listen to me when all that happened after my walk up to that castle, that they would have seen there were significant issues. I really do look back and can see how depressed I was, although was always told I was just a bit low!
Meanwhile, on your own at nearly 47 with four children, and you don't have the confidence to walk too far, isn't good. But what can I do?
Otherwise I'm fine!! :D
hello sparkling
Anger. Anger and stress is what left me disabled. My whole body locked up - homelessness was what caused this, not the separation. Issued didn't help with the ex once we were housed though - until that point things had been reasonable between us.
So sorry, i was too caught up in myself to see your pain. please forgive me. I guess, because i see the you of "now" that i have not thought what you may have been through. You seem so strong to me.
A happy body needs to carry that strong spirit though. So body needs looking after too.
Have you booked that xray yet? (yes it is outright nagging).
love
sy
sy, please don't be sorry. It took me 5 years to get the courage to leave, so in a way it's taken me 10 years to get to this point.
But yes, now I am a whole lot stronger - and yet it takes very little still to make me crumple. "Before" what ever that was now! I would have said I was a confident person. I'm not now. However, I still think I do now have my 'old' personality. The last time my best friend called in to see me (she lived in Leeds, but came home a lot - and always called in) at Easter two years ago, we were laughing in the living room, and she told me how glad she was to see the 'old' me. She knew me from before I was married, she knew me inside out. She died at the end of April, just weeks later.
So... You will survive. You will get stronger. You will never, ever forget, and you will always be bitter (well, I am!), but you do move on.
When I was homeless I was renting a holiday house from a very dear friend, and she said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I suppose it does, but my version is you wake up, you're breathing, you've got to get up and get on with it!
I will go now. I have a list to type out.
And I'm crying too much to see the screen...
Guess who...
Curry cooking - so efficient by my standards. Early tea because of camp.
sy, a thought.
Everything I have done with the children has been to be seen as being fair with their father. I've had rants, believe me, when he cancelled last minute with things. Only once in front of the children though - well, that they heard.
When the children grow up, I don't want them to ever be able to turn to me and tell me I was horrid and blame me for stuff.
This means that some things I have done - where even my in-laws have told me to stop contact - has been done to be fair in the eyes of my children.
When he said he was going to move across country to Lincoln, I made plans with him to meet half way. My children thought I was wonderful. Really though, I was more concerned about him driving with the children when tired too...
So, just a thought. make sure the children keep knowing you're wonderful, how ever hard. Having said that, you need to be assertive 8-) ...
I think it might be best if you ignore me. I could be stressed as this lot are getting themselves for camp on their own. Me and youngest. Last time three went on camp, I was so looking forward with having time just him and me - week from hell. He wanted to know when they'd be back and we were still waving the minibuses off! He missed them.
I think you need to point out that the children need to be together... Arwen might start to see it as favouritism.
Going to stir the curry now (chicken fllets browned off in wok. Two jars (this is for six - the other leader is coming for tea as I'm looking after the dog :o ) of curry masala stuff, three tins of carrotts and two tins of sweetcorn. Simmer for half an hour-ish with the odd stir. Serve with rice (you can get those in bags).
8-)
Yum Yum, sparkly. Hope the camp goes well, and I am glad that your leg is so much better. Just a thought (you know I can't resist! ;) ), rather than a psychiatrist to understand the link between stress/adrenalin and your leg problems, have you thought of a counsellor who could help you explore the feelings you have before the leg problems start, and then develop with you a series of techniques to try to prevent it/alleviate it???
I do hope you enjoyed the film!
I didn't get away from the camp until after 9pm - waiting for the "friend" who my ex got close to to arrive with her daughter. I'd paid the £20 over her daughter, so I did need it back.
She was due at 7, but arrived after 8.30pm - then talked and talked and talked. To say I was cross legged by then is an understatement!! :o Promised youngest a drive thru - and I don't break promises.
The camp looked lovely when we left. I hope it doesn't rain - but if it does, it's not cold! I'll think of them while I watch tele in bed :D
Hello Sy
Hope you are Ok this morning and got some sleep. Good that you have Luke with you and also good that you got rid of the fish tank ;) You will have to see what happens on Sunday with Arwen and the park. I wouldn't torture yourself about Louise and Paul's relationship, you have to concentrate on you and the future. I notice that you are discovering that all things connected with separation and divorce are expensive! You're right, only a court can impose a decision and what is so hard is having someone else make a decision about your life like that, in my experience.
Have a good day with Luke. You are the beacon in his unsteady universe.
Hi sparkling Glad you got everyone installed at camp, well done for the leg-crossing :oops: Hope that you can enjoy a bit of peace this weekend (the calm before the storm heh heh?)
Thank you for the link sy - I have that in a new tab to read next.
I felt the cross legged thing was quite an achievement too!! Especiall after having four children! :roll:
My youngest is still here. He was asking when they'd be home and we were possible 40 seconds away from the Scout hut! Two years ago, the three all went on a summer camp. I'd been looking forward to it so much, just me and the youngest, but it was an horrendous week. He's not used to being without them..... I've asked what he wants to do today. He wanst so go to Spar for Trading Cards.... I think not :shock:
I would often be on my own when they stayed with their dad, sy. I'm sure you can imagine how much I missed them, but having 'time-out' and some quiet did help.
It's been one year and 11 months since they all last stayed with their father.
I'm glad to say it's stopped raining! Not for us, but for the camp. I know the eldest couldn't find his waterproof trousers! But it's breezy, he'll dry quickly. :D
Have a lovely time with Luke.
I'm so glad you've had a good time with Luke.
You'll get more confident the more you do with him.
Sorry it's been uncomfortable with the solitor though.
I can see it's going to be a long road ahead.
Good morning Sy
Glad you have had some good time with Luke. And I hope it all goes Ok with Arwen later today.
I am not at all surprised at the legal advice you got. it is not pleasant to hear but at least it is a concrete plan. I don't think that Arwen wil forget you! I think what sparkling said was so true.....there is a long road ahead. I said to you the other day that that is one of the worst aspects of the process of separation, that everything takes soooo long. So, one day at a time, etc.
Have a frank chat with the doctor tomorrow and see if you can get another couple of weeks. I do believe that the funeral will be a bit of a turning point for you, you need to get that off your mind before you move forward with your own stuff, that's what it sounds like to me. I agree Anti-ds can make you feel numb (although the first stages of grief can be like that, too :( )
Take care
There's not much I can add here really.
Arwen will not forget you.
I do think your mum and you have so much ahead of you this week with Alan's funeral.
Enjoy your time with Arwen this afternoon. I hope the sun shines for the three of you.
Big cyber hug to you!!! ;)
I don't think they will get the police, what could they say to them? You have not been violent and you turned up as arranged for your time with Arwen, end of. You are not harassing them, you asked them to explain and they wouldn't. I say again that Arwen will not forget you. I guess you have to sit tight now and find out what her next move is. It's not nice waiting for it, like water torture :(
sy
I'm going to be hard here, although I am saying it with copious amounts of hugs.
Don't do this.
Louise is choosing to do this via a solicitor - so you need to say all this in a letter to the Solicitor.
You are giving them ammunition here for them to use against you. The children will see that you are upsetting mum.
I understand why, but the children won't.
There is a very good chance that their mother will be "milking" the situation - just as my ex has done with my lot over issues.
I don't care how hard it it, but you hug your children, tell them how much you love them and how much you're looking forward to seeing them next time and walk away.
They call the police, then anything that goes to Court , they'll have that on the paperwork. In that situation, I know that I have been adviced to phone the police should my ex start shouting at me by my house again.
However wrong this is sy - and I know it is totally, totally unfair, you have been put in a position where you always have to be careful with what you say in front of the children. You are giving her grounds to say that you're behaving unreasonably. This is also why you need to take a friend, work colleague or your mum with you.
While I'm so glad you had a great time with them today.
sy - loads and loads of hugs.
I have plenty for you.
Your poor mum. It will be a difficult week ahead for you both.
Sorry to whinge,
I'm really lonely tonight.
Oh no - forgot my tablet!
sy